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View Full Version : Drake Vans vs. Nick Speed



Miracle
06-12-2014, 08:00 PM
Drake Vans (Neon) vs. Nicholas Gregory(Nick Speed)

Apocalyptic (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?224892-Apocalyptic) and I have decided that I should be the host for our first wRHG battle. So here we are. k.
Both of us spent a good amount of time working on our battle, and we would both appreciate your vote for who the winner is :D

I shall begin with Apoc's lovely battle:


---"Well, we got some damage to the light, and that will definitely have to be replaced, and we have some damage inside the car. You're looking at over $1000 in damage. So, tell me again, how in the world did this happen? Because this looks like the product of a bullet and if it is, I am required to call the cops and report it." The mechanic spoke slowly with a deep tone that made him seem exhausted.
---"Ummm, it is a bullet," Nick answered, "but it's nothing to worry about. Just an accidental discharge."
---The mechanic studied Nick for a moment. "And was this by your gun, or someone else's?"
---"Someone else," Nick answered, causing the mechanic to stare at him, confused for a moment. "So, can you fix it or do I need to go to another mechanic?"
---"I can get it done. But it will take a while due to the parts damaged. I will notify you when it is repaired." The mechanic replied.
---"Thanks." Nick answered as he wandered away, heading back to the car he had in the parking lot.
---Sitting there in the handicapped spot was an orange 2014 Lamborghini Aventador LP 700-4. Why is it in the handicapped spot? Because you can do that when you drive a half-a-million dollar car. Nick stopped where he was and stood for a moment, admiring the work of art that sat before him in the cracked, concrete parking space. He would always catch himself just admiring his own cars, even in a time like this. He continued walking to the car. He pulled on the door handle and the door rose up in the beautiful way the Aventador did. They were called butterfly doors, and Nick was in love with them. He gently rubbed his seat on the door as he stepped in to the car. He sat in the smooth orange interior of this powerful beast. Nick closed the door easily and relaxed in his seat. His hands caressed the steering wheel softly.
---Nick inserted his key into the car. He pressed the button labeled start that he had customized to have it put above all of the other buttons, on the "ceiling" of the car, to have it resemble a jet plane. The engine roared like a lion. Nick could feel the vibrations in the car from the V12 engine that sat behind him. He focused on the road and pulled out of the parking lot, on to the street.
---Two miles from the auto-body, Nick realized there was a car behind him. Now, this wasn't no ordinary car. This was a car you rarely see on the streets. It was a black 2010 Lamborghini Murciélago LP 640. Nick's car was basically an offspring of the Murciélago that came four years before his and was still extremely powerful. Nick had always liked the car, but it was never one he'd want to own. He put his hand out the window and signaled for the driver of the black Lamborghini to turn at the next right and park. The other driver did what he was directed to do and pulled in right behind Nick. They both stepped out of their vehicles. Nick approached the other man.
---The man was of average size. He stood at about six feet tall. He looked like he was most like in his early 20s. He was of average muscular build, not looking small and fragile, but looking athletic. His hair was styled in a manner that reminded Nick of those guys in movies known as "greasers". He wore blue jeans with some holes around the knee and a black hoodie that he wore with the hood down and sleeves rolled up. He had black sneakers on. Nick instantly asked himself if he could fight and defeat this guy. He figured the answer was yes.
---Nick reached out his hand. The man grasped it and shook with a firm grip. "Hi, I'm Nick."
---"I'm Drake, but everyone calls me Neon." The other man replied.
---"You have a very beautiful car. It's packing a V12 as well, right?" Nick asked, already knowing the answer.
---"Yes sir, same as yours?" Neon answered, not knowing much about the cars.
---"Of course. Only the best for this baby." Nick rubbed his car. "So, where are you heading to?"
---"The RHG tournament. I have an opponent this afternoon." Neon told him.
---"I knew I recognized your name. I'm the guy you're facing." Nick grinned.
---"Then we better get going, shouldn't we?" Neon smiled with a look that could only mean one thing. Little did he know, he was about to make a big mistake.
---Neon quickly turned his car, attempting to bring it back to the asphalt as quick as possible. Nick noticed that Neon was having trouble with that, because he lost control for a moment and almost drove into a ditch. Unlike Neon, Nick maneuvered out of his spot in a flash and was on the road less than a second after Neon was. Nick looked forward and could see Neon, staying at a steady speed of about 100 miles per hour. It was obvious Neon was an amateur driver and he tended to be very cautious. Nick was about the complete opposite. He was an expert driver with skills to prove and he was not cautious. He preferred the term "careful". Nick held the gas pedal down as he gained on Neon.
---The Aventador practically flew by the Murciélago as it passed, exceeding speeds of 150 miles per hour. Nick laughed as he drove on, passed Neon and toward the tournament. Neon was filled with a feeling of loss and encouragement at the same time. He was inspired to accelerate and drive faster than 175 miles per hour. Nick pushed the pedal all the way down. He could feel the power of the car accelerating, nearing it's top speed of 217 miles per hour. With less than a mile left to the tournament, Nick maintained his speed and arrived there in less that 30 seconds. He parked in the parking lot and exited his car, just as Neon pulled up. Nick closed the door to the Aventador and stood beside it as he waited for Neon to park.
---Nick and Neon entered the building, side by side. A man stood there, waiting for them. He was an abnormally tall man, about 9 feet tall, and was extremely strong. On his name tag was the name "Bob". He was the guardian of the tournament, and he was in charge of keeping everyone calm in the waiting room and building, but not in the arena. It was every man for himself in the arena.
---"You're early." he spoke in a deep tone that held an immense strength behind it.
---"I may have drove a little over the speed limit." Nick smiled with a mischievous grin.
---"By little, do you mean 150 miles per hour?" Neon laughed.
---"Okay gentlemen, enough of the kidding around," Bob spoke. "behind these doors, it's no turning back. Do either of you want to forfeit?" He looked between the two men who stared back with blank expressions. "I take that as a no. Enter and may the odds be ever in your favor... Sorry, I've been watching too many movies recently."
---Nick and Neon entered. The doors shut behind them as if some non-human force caused it to happen. The room was the darkest black. They could not see each other or hear each other. Then suddenly there was an extremely bright flash as the room changed.

The light slowly faded as the new arena came into view for the two fighters. The setting seemed to be a large field. After examining the ground, Nick realized he was in a desert. When Nick focused, he could see a town in the distance about two miles away. There was a large pole that had it's base at the ground and it's top aimed at the sky, as if it were a spaceship heading to the moon. Nick looked around him and realized he was standing on a gravel road. It lead straight to the town and when he looked in the other direction, it seemed to be endless. He noticed beside him was his Lamborghini Aventador and beside it was the black Lamborghini Murciélago Neon drove. They were parked perfectly next to each other and both were aimed at the town. It seemed they were parked as if they were eating ready for a drag race. Nick realized that on the opposite side of the black Lamborghini, was Neon, his opponent. They stared at each other for a moment, sharing a look that spoke for them.
---Neon moved fast and opened the door to his car. Nick slid over the hood of the orange beast, reenacting a move he had seen Bo Duke perform in one of his favorite movies, The Dukes of Hazzard. He opened the door to his car and slid in, doing his normal ritual of feeling the steering wheel before he closed the door. It was such a habit he didn't even realize he was doing it half of the time. He shut the door and looked over at Neon who sat in his car, both hands holding the steering wheel tight in his grasp. Nick did the good sportsman gesture of flipping Neon the bird. Neon turned away, not going to let Nick get in his head.
---Suddenly a structure began buildings before them. It formed two 20 foot tall poles that stood directly across the road from each other, 10 feet ahead of Nick and Neon. In between them came a wire that hung loosely from one to the other. And on that wire came a single, yellow stoplight. It wasn't an ordinary stoplight, but one designed for drag racing with four lights, 3 red and 1 green. The lights that were on were the red ones. It would direct them for when the race would begin. Both racers started their vehicle and the sound of powerful, V12 engines roared to life like a lion waking from a long slumber. The lights stayed for 5 seconds, before they flashed and changed.
---Green was their signal to go. As soon as it appeared, they both jammed their foot on the gas pedal of either car. Both cars bolted forward, gravel and dust floating in the air behind them like smoke from a fire. The Aventador passed 60 miles per hour in less than 3 seconds while the Murciélago took about a second longer to top 60 miles per hour. Nick maintained a constant lead for the first 10 seconds of the race. He was going over 100 miles per hour, when Neon pulled out a surprise. He suddenly gained an incredible boost. He had nitrous. That was one thing Nick was always against, he would never cheat in a race and use modifications like that.
---Neon's car bolted forward like a rocket as his nitrous have the car a massive boost. A trained driver would have no problem handling nitrous. But Neon was not a trained driver. He was an amateur without much skill. The car shook and swerved as he attempted to control it through all the power it was exerting, but it was too much for him. The car turned to the right and in panic, he turned the steering wheel hard to the left. The wheels locked as the car jolted to the side and flew in the air. The car flipped once while in the air, then crashed on the gravel road. Sparks flew as the car flipped three more times and came to a stop. The car lay upside-down in a broken, damaged mess. Nick slowed his car and came to a stop beside what was the black Lamborghini Murciélago, but now was just a tattered clump of metal.
---Nick stepped out of his car and examined the wreckage. It didn't look like anyone could survive a crash like that, but then again, he'd been wrong before. He stood, feet placed firmly on the gravel road, staring at the disaster that laid before him. There was movement from the car. At first he thought his mind was playing a trick on him, but he realized he was, in fact, seeing movement.
---Suddenly, the door from the Murciélago shot off into the distance in a flash of light. Nick stood there for a moment, confused by what he had just seen. Then he glanced over at the wreckage and saw what had caused it. Crawling out from the wreckage, was Neon. He was covered in blood and there wasn't a part of his body left unscathed. His clothes were tattered and barely hanging on to his body. He lay there on the ground, struggling to push himself up. Nick approached him. He held out his hand to the injured boy on the ground.
---"If I'm going to win, I'm going to win it fair." Nick told Neon, even though Neon had cheated, he still wouldn't cheat. Nick wasn't like that.
---Neon grabbed his hand and pulled himself up. He stared at Nick for a moment, wondering what would happen next. Then he did the only logical thing that came to him. He punched Nick square in the face. Nick stumbled backwards, his hand on his nose that was now dripping blood.
---"Thanks for the help." Neon said with a sinister grin.
---Nick moved quick and hit Neon once on the side of his gut, then hit him a second time with a punch to the jaw. Neon groaned in pain.
---"You're welcome." Nick answered.
---And that was the end of their short conversation. Neon jumped at Nick, swinging his fists with great speed, but not much accuracy. He landed one hit on Nick's cheek. Nick spat as he brought back his fist and lunged it at Neon. His fist connected with Neon's chest and caused Neon to fall back. He was quick to recover and stand as he had before. Nick acted like he was going to punch Neon, but then brought his right leg forward and kicked Neon in the side of his thigh. He held his thigh as the sting of the hit affected him. Nick swung his left fist and punched Neon on his right ear. Knowing that hit had really got him for a moment, Nick began hitting fast and hard, aiming for his unguarded areas. Neon staggered back. He was in a check, but not yet a mate. He dove forward and gripped Nick by his sides. He shoved him forward, causing Nick to slam into his orange street-demon. Nick looked and saw that the hit had made a very large dent in the left side door. Nick's eyes grew gray as he was filled with a new anger.
---Nick hit Neon with so much force it caused Neon to crash down on the ground. Nick jumped on him and began hitting him with both arms constantly. When he covered his face, Nick would attack his chest. When he covered his chest, Nick would attack his face. He beat Neon endlessly, giving him no time to attempt to retaliate. Neon's eyes began to glow red as anger filled him as well. Neon let out a scream of power as he was filled with a sudden feeling of energy and strength.
---He grabbed hold of Nick as he flew up into the air. He held Nick with his left hand as he charged energy in his right. It glowed a bright blue as it grew around his hand. Then, he released the energy. Into Nick's face. The hit caused Nick to fly forward, headed for the town. Before he hit the ground, Neon appeared above him and slammed his fist down on Nick's chest, propelling him into the ground. Nick laid where he was for a moment, trying to gain the strength to stand. He saw Neon coming down from the sky at an incredible speed. Nick rolled to his right to avoid the hit and cause Neon to dig himself into the ground. Nick jumped up and charged Neon, who was pulling himself up from his failed attack. Nick punched him in the gut which made him lean over, and Nick followed his hit with a hit of his knee to Neon's face. Neon stumbled back and Nick took that as an advantage. He slammed his right shoulder into Neon's chest. He fell on to the hard gravel road.
---Nick turned in the other direction and made a run for the house nearest him. Neon used his Spectrum powers to accelerate himself and fly at Nick. He caught Nick in his grasp and threw him at the house. Nick hit a post that held the porch together. The post snapped and the porch began to break. Nick grabbed a foot-long piece of the wood and swung it at Neon. It hit him in the face and Nick swung again, hitting his face again. Neon was bleeding even more now. Nick grabbed him and threw him into the other post that held up the porch. Nick dove back as the porch came crashing down and landed on Neon. Nick pulled his Glock out from the holster on his hip. He usually felt it was a slight cheat in a fight, but if his opponent had some crazy laser shit and flying, he was going to use a Goddamn handgun. He held it up, aimed at the pile of wood from the porch.
---The explosion of light came again as the wood flew in the air. Nick began shooting violently, not caring to aim at anything in particular. Out of the wood came Neon, covered in so much blood now that his clothes were completely red and soaked as if he had been swimming. Nick aimed his pistol directly at Neon's head. He pulled back the trigger but there was the sound he hated more than anything. He was out of ammunition.
---Neon flew at him and hit him hard in the gut. Neon grabbed Nick's shoulders and slung him at the house. Nick flew straight through the wall of it and lay still on the floor of the kitchen.
---"Not so tough now, are you?" Neon's voice called from somewhere inside the house.
---Nick lay there, knowing these were his final moments, for sure. He prayed for God to give him the strength to stand. Slowly, he managed to pull himself up and stand in the center of that small kitchen. He still does not know for sure that God helped him, but he believes it was all God's doing. He looked to his right and saw a cluster of kitchen knives. He grabbed the one that looked the deadliest. Nick leaned against the wall beside the door to the kitchen, hiding himself from Neon's sight. The door to the kitchen merged open as Neon walked in the room. Nick lunged at him with the knife. Nick shoved him against the wall and impaled the knife into Neon's gut, hit him in the small intestines. He twisted the knife around as it stuck in his opponent's body. He pulled the knife out, then impaled it again, and again, and again.
---"You know the car you drive? I mean drove, of course," Nick began, speaking in a voice of true rage. "Do you know what the word Murciélago means? It means bat in Spanish. The car is named after a bull that fought an armed matador. It survived over 20 stab wounds and it's life was spared."
---"Thank you for the history lesson, professor." Neon spoke through coughs and the blood that leaked from his mouth.
---"You know the difference between you and that bull?" Nick asked with an even more sinister voice. "Your life won't be spared." Nick through Neon down on the ground and walked away, leaving him on the ground to bleed.
---Nick walked back to his car where he sat in it and began driving away from the town. He didn't mention it, but he had seen something Neon hadn't. The large pole that stood out of the ground was actually not a pole. It was a series of poles. A series of poles that held one large "package" at the top. That package being a nuclear bomb. The town had only been a testing site. Nick looked in his rear-view mirror as the package dropped to the ground, bringing disaster and death down with it.


And now for Mine. subliminal message... vooooote for miiiiiracle

The night sky was thick with heavy dark clouds, a thunderstorm was drawing near.
Perfect, I thought to myself. If this gets ugly, the thunder will drown out any sounds of explosions. As for the actual explosions, though...
<It shouldn't come down to that>, Spectrum told me, still connected to my mind after my near-death experience.
''I hope it does'', I said with a bit of a smirk. ''I haven't destroyed a building in like, three days.'' Lucario rolled down his window and waved at a passing police car.

''Big day, Vans. Looks like you're having your first real fight. You excited?'', he grinned. I shrugged a bit, still grasping the steering wheel. I gave him a look.

''Not really eager to fight people for other's entertainment. I do it for my entertainment.'' It was true. I thoroughly enjoy the rush of battle, but I also did it for a reason; to protect my city. Doing it purely for the sake of others telling me to do so seemed wrong.

''Meh. You'll get used to it after a while. And you know, you don't necessarily have to kill him.''

<Or her.>, Spectrum interrupted.

''He can't hear you'', I muttered. Lucario gave me a puzzled look, as if to ask why I was talking to myself, but shook the thought away with a chuckle, and pulled out something black.

''Here. I figured you might need it.''

''Is that a gun? Lucario, you know I'm against senseless murder.'' My curiosity betrayed my resolve, though. I glanced at the blue brawler, then at the gun again.
<Go ahead. Take it. You tend to get a bit exhausted after using your abilities too much, anyway.>, Spectrum reassured me.

''Fine. I'll use it.'' I took the sleek jet-black glock 19, thoughtfully examined it, then shoved it in my jacket pocket. I snuck a peek at my Cellphone's GPS. Just a few more minutes until we get there.

''Where is it taking us? The GPS, I mean'', Lucario asked, clearly curious about where I was going to fight. I tapped the back button, and tilted the screen so that he could better see. City bank.

''Oh. It says we're here. Turn right, Drake.''

I followed his instructions, and sure enough, the huge entrance to the massive name-less bank was in sight. I turned into the parking lot, and the both of us stepped out of the car. Lucario, already on his guard, looked around for any signs of trouble. I was more interested in the vast amount of cars.

''There are a lot of cars parked here. Too many. Are they really expecting us to fight in a crowded building? What if people get caught in the crossfire?'' Lucario thought for a second.

''I have an idea, but you're not gonna like it. Nor will the bank-tellers. Or the... police.'' I shot him a curious glance.
<This is going to be fun>, Spectrum laughed. Well. At least one person was going to enjoy this.

~*~

''Oh my God. You want me to do what?'', I exclaimed. Lucario gave me a look.

''It's not the smartest Idea, I know, but this way, no one gets hurt. No one else, that is. I thought about it for a while. When it comes down to it, his bold idea would save lives. even if it got the both of us in some major trouble.

''I guess we can try it. But this is my fight, alright buddy? You just take care of the police when they start to show up.'' He nodded, and closed the car doors as I stepped up to the wide entrance doors. I reluctantly stepped closer to grab the door handle, my hand hovering over the decorative silver.

''Hey Drake'', Lucario shouted from the parking lot. When I finally glanced his way, he was making himself comfortable, lying down on the hood of my black Ferrari. ''Don't die on me, alright? I don't enjoy looking for new friends.'' I waved at him, then finally opened the large doors.

A cute girl, fresh out of college by the look of it, bounded up to me.

"Hello, and welcome to our humble bank", she said with a bright smile. "My name 's Hannah Bennant. Would you like a deposit?"

"I was actually looking for someone. You know anyone who goes by the name Nick Speed here?" She looked puzzled, almost hurt.

"O-oh...right. he was cashing in a huge reward. Said something about winning a race."

"Thanks", I nodded, and walked off in the direction she pointed out. I heard a sigh behind me.

Was she intetested in me? This girl was way too innocent to be a part of what was about to happen. But still, I felt sympathetic.

"Actually, would you like a date? Right now?", I blurted out. She looked suprised, and was heavily blushing.

"Yes! But, why so sudden?"

<Yeah, tough guy. Why so sudden?>

"Listen, I like you, so I'm gonna tell you a secret." Her face beamed. It was probably all for the 'I like you', not so much the secret part.

"That Nick guy? He's a registered criminal, and just recently broke out of prison. I need you to step outside, my partner will keep you safe until that date."

She looked like she understood. She opened the door and ran for my car, Lucario still lying on it.

"-sigh-, and now the plan goes into effect."

I reached into my jacket pocket, pulled on my hood, and raised the pistol from earlier. Someone in the crowd saw me, and the entire room was hysterical.

"EVERYBODY GET DOWN, THIS IS A ROBBERY", I shouted. I fired two shots into the ceiling for effect. Everyone obeyed, and huddled together on the ground.

Wow, Lucario's plan actually worked.

I did happen to catch one of the tellers reach under their desk suddenly. Silent alarm. The good news was that everyone was safe for now, and there was only one person still standing. Nick.

We both locked eyes with each other.

"I was hoping to kill you after[I] I collected my racing money", Nick began.

"First RHG fight?"

"Yep. Same as you?"

"Yeah." I examined his clothes. He was very well dressed. At this point, everyone was interested in what was going to happen next.

"You're a bit young to be fighting to the death, huh?", he said with a smirk.

"Im 19.", I replied.

Nick slowly pulled out his gun as well.
"Let's not muck around."

He aimed directly at my chest and pulled the trigger.

~*~

It only took half a second for me to see that he meant buisiness. I threw myself to the ground, trying to evade the bullet, but to no avail, it grazed my left arm.

I grimaced in pain, but got up and sprinted towards my opponent. He continiued shooting in my direction.

I concentrated hard, and released a flash of energy through my feet, accelerating me closer towards my target.

I balled my fists and threw a punch at Nick. He looked startled at first, but then effortlessly dodged the blow.

I was persistant, though, and continiued with a swift kick sent toward the jaw.

His hands shot up and blocked the attack, but it still sent him back a few feet.

He caught himself, and fired two more shots at me. My increased speed allowed me to dodge the bullets with ease, and zip around him.

He followed me with his eyes, as best as he could, shooting after where he thought I was.

I stopped in front of him, a bit tired, but nowhere near my limit. He raised his pistol, aimed at my head, and pulled the trigger.

Only clicking.

Our little audience decided that now was the time to leave. They all hurried out the door, screaming, asking what was going on. There was one middle aged man who didn't leave.

He was hunched over, crying. The man was clutching his chest, blood dripping through his coat.

[I]Damn it, I thought.
One of Nick's stray bullets must of hit him. Before even thinking, I sprinted over to him, my hands glowing green.

<Touch the wound with that>, spectrum demanded.

I did as I was asked, and pressed my glowing hands to his bloody mess of a chest. He stopped breathing.

"You shot him", I whispered.

"Shut up and FIGHT ME!", Nick screamed, enraged.

Suddenly a flash of light, then a massive boom interrupted.

The thunderstorm finally began.

Good. Now I have something to mask the fight

I lept up to my feet, just as Nick tossed his empty gun away and pulled out a small knife from his suit pocket.

At break-kneck speed, I flew at him, barreling into his stomach and sending him through the window an into a lightpole in the parking lot.

There was a heavy downpour of rain, and we were both immediately soaked when we left the building.

Still flying, I slammed into him, breaking through the lightpole and smashing him into an van.

There were clouds or rain everywhere, and my vision was obscurred. I sent beams of light in the direction I last saw him.

"Where are you", I shouted, furious at his inability to care about the death of a civillian.

"Right here", I spun around to see that he was in a glossy sportscar. He stomped on the gas, slamming the car into me, head on. The direct hit sent me into the stairs leading up to the bank entrance.

I was dazed by the hit, and didn't notice him step out of his vehicle. By the time I could move again, he was sitting next to me on the steps, admiring his car.

Before I could move, he angrily stabbed the knife into my arm. I screamed in pain. He went back to his car, and pulled out a second gun from his glove compartment. He pressed the gun to my head.

I could hear him ranting on about his car, but couldn't pinpoint exactly what he was saying.

<Wake up.>

What? Spectrum?

<Shut it, and wake up.>

I could feel something wet hitting me. Oh, right. The rain. I saw Nick standing above me.

He pulled the trigger. The bullet lodged itself in my arm.I was too weak to even scream. His hand swayed at the last second, causing him to miss my head. He assumed he killed me, and walked off to his car, ready to leave.

"Punk. He thought he could actually win.", he sneered.

"Shut up", I began

He spun around, his eyes wide.

"It's over."

Just as he raised his gun, I lifted both of my hands and shot a large ball of energy at his chest.

It went through him, blood spattering against the concreate, and hit his car behind him. His eyes still wide, he dropped his gun.

"You son of a--"

His car exploded from the impact of my blast, and shot him into the bank building.

The man, I bolted into the bank, grabbed the man and brought him outside.

I once again pressed my hands on his chest, but this time, his eyes had a soft green glow to them.

He coughed a bit, and the bullet that was once in his chest left out his mouth.

I sighed happily, he was alive again.

He opened his eyes, unnaware of what happened.

"You have a knife in your arm", I looked at it, pulled it out, and started to heal myself.

"Thanks for saving me. However you did it."

I found Lucario and Hannah in my car, waiting for me.

Both of them beaming at the sight of me okay.

I opened the door.

"Now where were we? Date?", I said with a smile.

acutelatios
06-12-2014, 11:57 PM
Ummm, wrong section deary~

Miracle
06-13-2014, 11:52 AM
Sowwyz. xD thank you for moving it for me

Lobotomizer
06-13-2014, 01:25 PM
For the both of you.

Repeated use of X did Y.

Telling and not showing.

Lack of description where it counts.

Characters are portrayed as 2 dimensional brick walls.

If you want to improve, improve along those lines. Your writing is too linear and boring. Your character is furious. So what? How can anyone even tell he is furious? Was he stomping the ground, gritting his teeth? No, you do not describe an attack as a 'hit'. Is it soft and weak? Hard and fast? Are the only character interactions you can come up with witty liners?

And let's not go into detail about how much some of the scenes warp reality. A bullet taking more than half a second to reach it victim? Blocking an upward kick only to be sent backward? Being able to watch a nuclear explosion without your eyes melting apart from the sheer heat and light? It may sound nitpicking, but it is jarring and ruins the entire flow of the story.

Read stories by better authors (not necessarily from SP) and find out how they write their own. Refrain from committing such mistakes in the future.

Vote goes to Miracle, and only marginally.

Miracle
06-14-2014, 06:24 PM
For the both of you.

Repeated use of X did Y.

Telling and not showing.

Lack of description where it counts.

Characters are portrayed as 2 dimensional brick walls.

If you want to improve, improve along those lines. Your writing is too linear and boring. Your character is furious. So what? How can anyone even tell he is furious? Was he stomping the ground, gritting his teeth? No, you do not describe an attack as a 'hit'. Is it soft and weak? Hard and fast? Are the only character interactions you can come up with witty liners?

And let's not go into detail about how much some of the scenes warp reality. A bullet taking more than half a second to reach it victim? Blocking an upward kick only to be sent backward? Being able to watch a nuclear explosion without your eyes melting apart from the sheer heat and light? It may sound nitpicking, but it is jarring and ruins the entire flow of the story.

Read stories by better authors (not necessarily from SP) and find out how they write their own. Refrain from committing such mistakes in the future.

Vote goes to Miracle, and only marginally.


Alright. There is truth in your words, im afraid.

But thanks for the constructive critisizm.

Be more discriptive, less X did Y, be more realistic, and develop my character's personality more.
I'll certainly take this to mind in my next fight.
Thanks again.

Apocalyptic
06-15-2014, 02:10 PM
Dang, I'm not having much luck in the votes yet...


For the both of you.

Repeated use of X did Y.

Telling and not showing.

Lack of description where it counts.

Characters are portrayed as 2 dimensional brick walls.

If you want to improve, improve along those lines. Your writing is too linear and boring. Your character is furious. So what? How can anyone even tell he is furious? Was he stomping the ground, gritting his teeth? No, you do not describe an attack as a 'hit'. Is it soft and weak? Hard and fast? Are the only character interactions you can come up with witty liners?

And let's not go into detail about how much some of the scenes warp reality. A bullet taking more than half a second to reach it victim? Blocking an upward kick only to be sent backward? Being able to watch a nuclear explosion without your eyes melting apart from the sheer heat and light? It may sound nitpicking, but it is jarring and ruins the entire flow of the story.

Read stories by better authors (not necessarily from SP) and find out how they write their own. Refrain from committing such mistakes in the future.

Vote goes to Miracle, and only marginally.

Thank you for the advice. I'll make sure to work on my writing and describe better.