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View Full Version : Poll: Nevron2000 (William and Devokh) vs. 6Asmo6deus6 (Abra)



Nevron2000
06-20-2014, 11:50 AM
Well, this is the first battle I've done...and also the first poll, so I hope I did everything right.
Anyway, vote fairly and may the best gladiator win!

Magic was fun, and being the only magician, it was special. Abra spun with his cards and his clowns danced around him. His white suit glittered in the sunlight and mesmerized his audience. Suddenly the clowns burst into doves and the cards into roses, Abra stood confused then a man walked up on stage. He took a bow and signaled for Abra to do the same and they bowed together to the claps of the audience. Abra reached his hand out, “Nice to meet you, who are you again?”

“Name’s William Thatch, I’m a magician, just like you. But obviously a lot better.” He smiled ruefully.

Abra returned the smile, “Oh really? Then shall we give our guests a show they’ll never forget.” Abra stomped on the ground and the rose petals flew up into sparkles, William countered by blowing on them and they turned into small golden butterflies. Abra swished his hands and they turned into a tornado that flew into the air, William snapped his fingers and the cyclone exploded into a rainbow. Abra clapped his hands, “You’re like the younger brother I never wanted.”

“And you’re like a master I bypassed years ago.” Abra sent his hat out to collect money, and William turned it into a pelican who flew back and dumped the money from its beak.

Abra cracked his neck, “You wanna mess punk? I will kill you, and as gruesomely as possible. I mean there’s one thing interfering with my show, but there’s another when you keep doing it after the show.”

William shrugged, “I’m just proving a point.”

“That you really want to die? Just shut up and follow me. I don’t want your disgusting blood anywhere near my audience.” Abra made his way through to a secluded part of the forest, trees were burnt and charred, a reminder of his battle against Vamprina. William took off the heavy jacket he was wearing, exposing his armor underneath, the light splint mail covered most of his body, it was leather and steel mail, and shined in the sun. Abra manifested a blade and charged, William drew his rapier that was slung along his hip and clashed. Suddenly the blade’s inscriptions glowed and the blade exploded, sending Abra flying through the air, his blade destroyed.

William rushed forward and fired magic bolts, but Abra’s cards flew up to defend him. Abra manifested two blades and charged at him again, he held back the rapier with his left sword and prepared a stab with his other blade. But before he stabbed down, half of the blade melted away and some liquid got onto Abra’s tie, melting it too. Abra teleported away and looked at William who was holding a small water gun in his left arm. Abra shook his head, “All these little tricks though…” He cleaned up his tie with a wave of his hand and then shot his cards at William. William’s blade glowed and he drew a blue line between him and the cards, and when they touched, the line detonated and took the cards with it.

Abra took the opportunity to teleport behind him and he landed a solid kick to William’s back. William tumbled forward, but Abra teleported in front of him and kicked him again. Abra poofed and William got ready for the kick, he quickly grabbed one of his flash marbles, and as soon as he felt the foot contact, he threw the marble down. The explosion stunned Abra and William tumbled away, then he turned around and tackled into Abra. He stabbed down with his blade and got Abra in the gut. Abra kicked him off with a roar and stood up. “2 minutes kid.” Abra ripped his mask off, “Say your prayers.”

Abra took out his syringe and injected the morphine into his blood system. Once the morphine took hold, he waved his hand over his suit, and the suit became a harsh blood red. He reached into his portal and pulled out Estaban’s knuckles and rushed William. William shot his hydrochloric acid at Abra, who simply raised his right hand to block it. His flesh bubbled and sizzled as the acid consumed and burnt it, but he rushed forward, clenching the injured fist and nailing William with a punch to the face. William lashed out with his rapier and charged it with mana. Abra grabbed it with his other hand and tightened his grip, crushing it before it detonated. All that remained of his left hand was his skeletal middle finger, a slightly fleshy index finger and thumb, the rest of his hand was gone. Mangled, Abra hit William with his nearly fleshless hand, unable to punch him smacked him, and the blood splattered into William’s eyes. He wasn’t used to such aggression, he didn’t have time to do anything.

“Devokh, do something!” He gasped, and his specter demon came out. The six-eyed spirit manifested as a serpent and wrapped itself around Abra, sinking its teeth in his neck, and frost crystals could be seen forming on Abra. Abra struggled against the binds then belched flames. William backed away quickly and watched in horror as Devokh fought against the monster. Abra grabbed the serpent with his right hand and pulled him off, his hand began turning blue then black, the frost bite completing in seconds, and he smashed the head against the ground, his hand shattering along with it. He stamped his foot down, Devokh sank deeper, and Abra finished him off with a jet of flames. Abra looked up and coughed, the gut wound was bleeding profusely, but the adrenaline and morphine kept him moving. He only had a mangled hand to fight with so instead he summoned one of his newest troupe members, Franco.

The 360 kg bear snuffled the air, his big black moist nose taking in the scent of blood, ashes, and fear. His head swished from Abra to William, who sat on the ground petrified. The bear snarled, the smell of fear was heavy on this one, and Franco was hungry. The bear leapt forward, and charged at William, Franco’s midnight black armor glinted in the sunlight. William quickly unzipped his parcel on his back, pulling out a fireball spell he shot it off. Franco batted it away and rushed on. William pulled out a shield scroll and erected the dome over him. His eyes darted fearfully from Franco to Abra who he watched slowly weaken and collapse onto his knees. He just needed to hold out until Abra died. Franco beat against the light blue shield, his armored paws clashing off. He rammed into it with his head but the dome held strong. William smiled then began laughing, he can make it!

Suddenly a crack appeared, where did that come from? A card floated down from the crack and onto the ground, the face was Joker. He looked back at Abra who smiled at him, he waved with his mangled hand, he wasn’t going to let him win. Franco noticed the crack and pressured it, placing both of his paws on it and pushing down with all his weight. The crack widened, and spread across the dome. Franco stood on his hind legs and roared. He dropped on the shield again and the rivets increased. William’s lips trembled, he was scared, he was going to die. Franco reared up again and dropped, smashing through the shield. His paws landed on William’s leg, the 360 kg easily snapped the leg, and it bent up in a funny direction. William screamed, Franco roared back, and clamped down on William’s neck. William’s scream quieted to a gurgle, then with a quick crunch, William’s head rolled off the body. Franco roared in victory and gorged itself on William’s body.

Abra laughed quietly, but he knew he didn’t have long. He laid down on the ground, his limbs stretched out wide, it looked like he was going to make snow angels. He knew his stomach acid was digesting his innards and destroying him. He was going to die, at least he killed that bastard magician first. “Abra, kadabra, alakazam,” he sighed, his vision blackened.


“Well, that took long enough to get here. Can we just give it a rest for now, ‘Vok?”

<Indeed. It would likely be best to find a less conspicuous location.>

“Agreed.”

I glanced around at the crowd in town, getting a few strange looks as I tried to find a place to sit down and get a bite to eat. I hadn’t eaten since the day before, and I was starting to feel a little woozy. That fact, combined with the lingering tenderness in my ribs was starting to get on my nerves and I wasn’t too fond of large crowds to begin with.

Looking around the plaza I had found myself in, I noticed a couple of promising locations, but a small coffee shop sitting largely abandoned in light of a street performer caught my eye. Shrugging, I figured that a decent cup of coffee and something quick to eat might get me through the morning. Shoving the flyer that I’d grabbed as we’d entered town into a pocket of my jacket, I darted somewhat clumsily over to the coffee shop and held onto the door handle for a bit of support as a wave of fatigue washed over me.

<If you are this tired, then you should probably eat something.>

“Noted,” I muttered before taking a deep breath and opened the door, a small bell alerting the barista at the counter. I stifled a laugh at how quaint that was before walking up to the counter.
The barista glanced at the door, quickly saving the page in her book before sliding in under the counter and donning a smile. A bit of worry flashed across her eyes before quickly vanishing, likely because of how unkempt I looked walking into a deserted shop. I was suddenly very thankful that I’d thought to attempt shaving and washing out my hair in a stream before coming into town.

Despite the worried glance, she started warming up the brewer before turning back to me to ask what I might want.

“Welcome to Coffee Shack! What can I get started for you today?” She seemed to have a slight accent, indicating that English wasn’t her first language, but it was hardly noticeable unless you were looking for it, or had travelled often. I gave her a slight smile, trying to put her at ease and quickly moved my pack and bow over by the door when I realized that they might be intimidating. Awkwardly smiling once more, I tried to shrug it off and give her my order.

“Thanks, and I’ll just have a straight coffee. Black and medium please, and if I could have one of those bagels as well?”

“Sure thing!” She typed in the information, and a few seconds later she turned away from the computer to start brewing.

“Alright, that comes out to be three dollars, seventy-nine cents,” she pointed to the card reader, and I reluctantly pulled out my card after seeing that I didn’t have enough cash.

“I don’t suppose that you offer cash back here?” I nodded as she shook her head and quickly typed in my code and gave her my name before sidling over to the door and sitting at one of the tables there. Using a card was a risky move: I had plenty of cash left in the account, but there was no guarantee that it wasn’t being watched by the Council, and if they were…things could get complicated, and after the events of last year I probably wasn’t in good standing. I rand my fingers through my hair before crossing my fingers and setting them under my chin, staring at the table in thought.

It could be possible that they weren’t actively watching me: it had been almost a year since they’d last seen any sign of me, and the council members had more to deal with than a renegade journeyman such as myself. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath before letting it out after a few moments, deciding that I would just be a bit more careful about covering my tracks in the future. If they did end up coming after me, then I would just have to deal with it then.

I was shocked out of my reverie by a hand on my back, and I almost jumped out of my chair before I realized that it was just the barista. I quickly apologized for startling her and thanked her for bringing over the coffee and roll, after which she walked back behind the counter and resumed reading.

I took a deep gulp of the coffee, grimacing slightly at the heat and bitterness, but managed to choke it down before tearing into the bagel, glancing out the window at the performance between bites after noticing Devokh doing the same. Within a couple minutes, I sat back into the chair feeling much more myself as I slowly sipped at the remainder of the coffee while I stared at the masked performer outside.

<He is quite good, isn’t he?>

I snorted, taking a light sip of the coffee before setting down the half-full cup. The performer was a magician, and a decent one at that: he managed to pull off some interesting tricks out of his hat, and even hypnotized a couple audience members…but he was still just a stage magician.

Devokh shot a glance back my way before a screeching laugh echoed in my mind, making me visibly wince. The creature moved in a circle around me before settling it’s head on my right shoulder, snaking a few tendrils of magic across my brow before sinking them into the tattoos around my eye and forcing me to look.

I let out a shuddering gasp as the magic sunk into my flesh, my vision shifting uncomfortably into the spectrums of magic. I blinked my eyes, trying to adjust my focus after so long without the sight…and then I saw it.
I felt my face flush as I sucked in a breath in surprise.

The performer was a mage.

Lines of magic swirled around his form, and flowed over the courtyard as well as afterimages of what he was doing. Moreover, there was a shadowy figure floating about among the spectators, glowing points on the people that had been hypnotized indicating that something very strange had happened. I shook my head as Devokh removed its influence from the Tattoos, a muted gasp from behind indicating that the barista has seen the subtle glow begin to fade.
I ignored her, instead focusing on the implications of what I had just seen. We were deep in council territory now, where we could be easily found, and where rogue mages and wizards would be hunted down like wolves…lycanthropes too. This made my particular situation especially difficult, but necessary since I came here seeking out aid from the dragon Halifax, who I knew was somewhere in this region.

This mage however, he had no business here: no true mage had any business with the council, not for the better part of fifteen generations, after the last crusade resulted in one of their kind devastating an entire realm. Which begged the question: why was he here?

<Precisely, young Halfling. Either your council has become lax on the issue of magi…or he is here by other means.>

Now there was a thought, one that raised my eyebrows as I watched the crowd begin to clear: had this mage had been hired by the council? I rolled the thought over as I gulped down more of the strong coffee, before discarding it. The council would never work with a mage, let alone one that had also formed a pact, which meant that this one was an outlaw and could very well be dangerous.

Which still left other possibilities open I realized, slowly standing as I finished the coffee and walked over towards my pack. Grabbing it, I quickly walked up to the counter and gave the attendant, Kayla as I looked at her name tag, the last of my cash as a tip, and walked out the door as I tossed my coffee cup in the waste bin. I merged with the slowly dispersing crowd, slowly working my way towards the front while I contemplated what could be going on.

He could just be passing through, and given the circumstances it was the most likely of possibilities. It was also the most troublesome, since that could lead the council directly to this town if he was careless. I shook my head: he already was careless. All it would take is for the wrong person to see him and trace their way back down his path.

The least likely option would be that he was there seeking me out, but I would need to confront him either way. Groaning as I neared the front, I loosened my hilt and bag of flash-marbles in preparation for whatever may come. He quickly noticed me, though given that I was the only one in the crowd with a bow and cutlass, I wasn’t exactly the most inconspicuous.

“Ah, yet another of my adoring fans! Though, a strange one to be sure. Come to make a donation to the grand maestro Abra, the greatest magician ever known?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, which caused Abra to tilt his head in a slightly confused manner. Looking at his mask, I tapped it, wondering if there was anything underneath it before shaking my head as he flinched back a couple steps.

“Sorry man, but I’ve seen people a lot more refined than you are fall short of that title. Not that you aren’t decent, and you have more control than a good few mages that I’ve met,” I watched him rub at his mask, seeming slightly annoyed, “but you aren’t the best out there.”

He pulled out a few playing cards, flipping them between his hands in an admittedly dazzling display as he looked directly at me. “And who might you be to make such a claim, if I may ask?”

I tightened my gaze, wary of what he could be planning, “The name’s Will, one of the more experienced wizards you’re likely to meet.” I smirked as he stopped shuffling those cards. “But, that ain’t why I’m here: this region is under the jurisdiction of the local councils, and rogue magi such as yourself aren’t exactly welcomed with open arms.”

“And how, pray tell would you say that I am one of these ‘rogue magi’? Or have you no proof.” I could almost sense the smirk from under that mask, and I grit my teeth before I returned it.

“Look, I honestly don’t care who you are, or what you wish to do with your magic. Just keep it out of the eyes of the council: bad things happen to mages when they get caught.” I grit my teeth once again at the memory of an unfortunate mage that was put down some years prior…but, quickly shook my head free of the memory and started to turn away.

I didn’t make more than two steps before I felt an indefinable chill grip my bones, and I started to turn around to the clapping of the rogue mage. I heard him give out a light chuckle that turned into a cackle, which caused some of the crowd to start returning.

S***! This is bad…why can’t I move?

I tried to turn away, speak, do something other than walk towards the clearly unstable masked man in front of me, only to have him dart up and pat my cheek and chuckle.

“Oh dear, I do believe that you’ve become a puppet dear poppet. Ah, sad to say that my Marionette won’t relinquish its control as I would love to hear your response, but there is a principle involved.”

He quickly moved back into my field of vision, close enough to my face that my nose almost touched his mask. I could see something moving behind the eye sockets, but while it looked alive, it certainly wasn’t human, though he moved away before I could discern any more.

“See, you seem to have mistaken me for someone you know, or that I know something that I do not. Which means that it falls to me to set you straight, and right after I put on such a magnificent show! Tsk, tsk.”

He twirled around, showmanship calling in more of the previous crowd before turning around and noticing my side pouch. I called out mentally to Devokh, hoping that whatever was going on was something he could manage.

“What’s this? A bag of tricks, now you shouldn’t have!” I watched silently as he pulled out one of my flash marbles before dropping it on the ground, seeming disappointed after it did nothing. “Honestly, if you believe that you’re of my caliber with such things as a bag of marbles, then you truly are mistaken. Pray tell, what were they supposed to do? Float, stack, glue me to the floor?”

I felt an agonizing heat, and then a strong tug that nearly knocked me off my feet as whatever held sway over my movement vanished. I brushed off my clothing, then knelt to the ground and picked up the marble, carefully brushing it off as I planned my next move. As the dust wiped away, a faint glow could be seen inside as the activation charm primed the energy supply for release.

Abra stood there, clearly somewhat baffled that I could even move, so I cleared my throat as I stood, marble in hand.

“Well, they do this.” I quickly tossed the marble as close to the mask as possible, turning away as I did so to ensure that I wouldn’t be blinded. A loud popping sound momentarily deafened me as a bright light illuminated the area, the crowd starting to run in the wake of the small explosion. I continued running, pushing through a few people and into a side street to draw attention away from civilians and so that I could plan my next move, Devokh’s wispy form materializing as I did so.

“What the hell took you so long?! That b****** almost had me down for the count!” I dodged behind a dumpster for a moment to assess my options and figure out where to go next.

<Contrary to popular belief, spirits are not fond of combating one another. I was busy trying to keep that creature from doing anything worse to you.>

I closed my eyes, shooting a glance down the alley and throwing a whistle to make sure I was followed before looking at Devokh. “Alright, keep that up. I won’t be able to do a whole lot, but if that thing gets a hold of me again that won’t be a problem.” I started running again, huffing out a quick command as I figured out a plan, “Just be ready to come when I call: I’ll need help for the binding.”

Devokh quickly vanished, and immediately after I felt an impact in my shoulder strong enough to make me stumble to the ground. I rolled to the side, catching a glimpse of something flying through the spot where I just was, and grunted as whatever hit my back pushed against the brick and mortar. I quickly reached over my shoulder as I started moving again, pulling out a playing card with the king of hearts imprinted and some blood oozing down the back.

“Jack*** uses playing cards as weapons…of course! Because that makes sense!” I walked into an alley junction and quickly unsheathed my sword, eyes darting around the area as I reached into my pouch and fumbled for my chalk with my left hand. Before I could find it though, I saw movement from my left side and attempted to spin and backstep to counter with a slash…only, there was nothing there. I felt more pressure on my left side, realizing that I had yet more playing cards sticking out of my side, the thick clothing and light armor only just stopping them from going deeper.

Careful not to let them touch the ground, I slipped them into my pocket and quickly located the chalk just as I saw a flash and a fist managed to solidly clock me across my jaw, knocking me to the ground. Picking myself back up again, I turned toward the source of the impact just in time to see Abra vanish into the air as he finished the follow-through…and just in time to receive a kick over my shoulder that took me to my knees. I could only groan as I thought about teleportation, and tried to ignore the pain as I hastily scribbled the beginnings of the circle on the hard cement.

We traded blows like this for several minutes, all the while I kept taking hits from nowhere and tried to build up more of the sigils on recovery. Every so often, a finished set would glow faintly, solidifying as Devokh darted through the matrix of the forging spell, but attention would quickly be drawn back towards a boot or fist flying out of the air. And then he pulled a new trick out.

On the recovery after one of his attacks, I darted up faster than expected and managed to draw a gash through Abra’s shoulder, the glint of a slight amount of blood on my blade which I quickly threw into the center of the circle, though only a few drops landed there from the distance. I felt the pulse of magic as the circle recognized a partial activation, but I also saw the mask lift as fire leaked out the edges.

Dodging out of the way, I still took a hit to my right arm that caused me to drop the sword, the outer edge of my jacket catching fire. Quickly rolling across the ground, I patted it down as I tried to put the flames out as quickly as possible, only succeeding after a few tense seconds during which I heard a startled yelp come from behind. Strong hands lifted me into the air as a new voice joined the fray, “Ringmaster, what’ll ya be want’n me to do with this’n?”

I kicked out behind me, catching a knee a few times before I hooked up and backwards, earning a whimper and a hard fall to the ground. I rolled away, and quickly patted for an arrow on my back, sliding one out and holding it like a dagger. Seeing a fallen man, clearly a body builder of some description, I reluctantly jammed the arrow shaft down through his neck and into his chest. A coughing and wheezing sound was all that he could push out before he collapsed to the ground, and I turned my attention to the sword on the ground.

Picking it up, I turned towards Abra, the crazed magician grasping his chest as if out of breath. I smirked, knowing that the ritual was doing its job, and crouched by the muscle-bound man on the ground, whose body seemed to fade out into dust. I raised an eyebrow at this, logging the after-effect of a summoning in the back of my mind before turning to the mage himself, who had finally caught his breath.

“Binding spells, eh?” That got his attention, and I smirked as his gaze fell on me, “Nasty things they are, and a specialty of mine, if I might say so. This one in particular binds magic, keeps it in check so that difficult things are made almost impossible.” I turned toward the mage, giving him a slight smile, “Just in case you’re interested.”

I looked back towards his summoned friend before standing up, shifting the blade into my left hand for a moment as I checked my right arm, holding it up for him to see, “And look what you did to my coat! I mean, it was a nice trick and all, but seriously: I’ve had this thing for years. They don’t even make this kind any more…which is entirely beside the point.”

He seemed to grab something out of his pocket, a vial of some kind of liquid, before jabbing it into his arm and summoning several cards. I readied myself to dodge another flurry, but instead watched as he formed a sword out of them, “Well, that’s…different.”

“Well, I think it’s about time to end this, now don’t you? I’ll have you know that Sebastian had a family, and was well loved by all. I could never face them again if his slayer was still wandering about, closure and other such things.” He stated, assuming a somewhat unpredictable pose and waiting for my move.

I quickly pulled the blade back into my right hand, tightening my grip on it and the chalk as I thought out a silent prayer that Devokh was almost ready. And then it began again.

We ducked and weaved past each other, both of us trying to gain the upper hand as I drew lines with sword and chalk both and Abra threw fire and card-darts. Occasional illuminations and glimpses of wispy forms appearing as another battle raged outside either of our vision, and the circle progressed slowly. After several minutes, we both stood bleeding in the alleyway, numerous small or deep cuts soaking into our clothes as the smell of smoke wafted through the air. Abra moved for one more stroke, and I no longer had the energy to dodge, but as I realized where I stood…I knew I didn’t need to.

I smiled, and drew one more scratch on the ground, blinding light erupting from the earth as a multi-bodied serpent materialized for a moment before the light died down to reveal Abra in the center of the circle. He wasn’t moving, and the remains of his sword fluttered away with a slight breeze as I walked unsteadily past, careful not to let my blood drip onto the lines: the ritual hadn’t solidified yet.

Devokh appeared above Abra, clearly struggling with the shadow creature we had seen manipulating the people in the square, trying to hold it in place long enough to finish the ritual. I made some slight adjustments to the symbology as I walked to the center, and sheathed my sword so I could give him some applause.

“Con…gratulations, most fantabulous…Abra,” I almost fell over, my words slurred a bit from the ordeal. Gritting my teeth, I pushed it back for just a little longer so I could finish this, “You…are now trapped.”
I motioned towards the lightly glowing circle around us, “This is a binding ritual. A…hastily built one, but still powerful in its own right, and it’s meant to hold just one person,” I pointed directly at the mage Poking him in the center of his chest, “You.”

“It’s a bit underpowered right now, but your Marionette should be able to fix that, and then I’ll be on my way,” I looked at him, where his eyes would be underneath that mask, “Don’t take it personally though, I just can’t have the council bringing a crusade down on my back…well, that and you almost killed some people in the crowd back there.”

Devokh quickly ripped into the dark spirit, dribbling copious amounts of energy from it into the runic circle, causing it to glow brightly as I stumbled out of its matrices. Turning back to the bound individual at its center, I threw the piece of chalk to the ground and shook my head. “I honestly don’t have any idea how long this will last, but I hope I made my point clear…”

No longer caring whether he heard me or not, I shakily walked out of the junction, pulling the flyer out of my jacket and reading the information about a local organization known as RHG, I made towards the nearest street to try to find them.

“…you aren’t the best mage in town.”

Aquila
06-20-2014, 01:08 PM
Great battle and I agree, let the best gladiator win.

SmellsLikeGreek
06-20-2014, 09:52 PM
Magician versus magician. I like it. :D

Aquila
06-20-2014, 10:38 PM
SmellsLikeGreek, our battle was magician versus magician too you fool XD

SJCRPV
06-21-2014, 12:16 AM
The obvious choice for me here is to pick Nevron’s story as the best one. He clearly has a better grasp of how to describe events and how clearly they flow.


CnC stuff (There are people who are better at this than me, but I hadn't CnC'd in a while, so I thought I should give it a shot again. Also, I’m sorry if I start sounding like I’m being too nitpicky):
In regards to Asmodeus, there are a number of things that need to be pointed out and I’ll deal with them as they appear in the story.


Magic was fun, and being the only magician, it was special.

Awkwardly built sentence.
Generally, you only tend to place something in between commas when you’re trying to add an extra bit of information in to explain something. In here, you’re basically saying “Magic was fun it was special” and just shoving the fact that he was the only magician in there in the middle for some reason. Doesn’t really amount to a lot of sense, does it? If you wanted to rebuild the sentence in a more coherent way, you could have gone with something like this.


Magic was fun and being the only magician in there actually made it feel like it was special.

There are several more of these weirdly built examples across the whole text, too much to list them all here. It shows that, like me, you’re also not a native English speaker. (Btw, notice how I used the commas in this last sentence to slip in a detail)
I’m certain that, with a very attentive proof-read in which you read every single sentence very carefully to make sure it all makes sense, you’ll be able to notice and correct many of these mistakes.
One thing I’d like to mention while we’re still on this topic though:

He took a bow and signaled for Abra to do the same and they bowed together to the claps of the audience.

I know that you didn’t mean this, but because of what I underlined, you basically said that William took an actual bow (http://www.i2clipart.com/cliparts/0/2/2/3/clipart-bow-and-arrow-0223.png), told Abra to do the same and then somehow, they “bowed” together.
I just found it funny XD


“Oh really? Then shall we give our guests a show they’ll never forget.”

I am not entirely sure if you missed a question mark at the end because this could have gone one of two ways:
1- Given the current position of “we”, you did in fact miss a question mark at the end of the sentence. The way you built it intones a question.
2- If you move “we” to behind “shall”, the tone of the sentence changes from a question to a statement.
So, pick your poison. If you meant a question, your mistake is in option nº1; if you meant a statement, pick option nº2


Abra stomped on the ground and the rose petals flew up into sparkles, William countered by blowing on them and they turned into small golden butterflies. Abra swished his hands and they turned into a tornado that flew into the air, William snapped his fingers and the cyclone exploded into a rainbow. Abra clapped his hands, “You’re like the younger brother I never wanted.”

There are three things that needed to be pointed out in this excerpt that I quoted.

Underlined: Notice how these names are all referenced repeatedly in such a short amount of time. Repetition can be used to enhance a text, but not in this way. You don’t need to always reference them by name, in fact, if you do a good job at describing the characters (which, btw, is not something you did, at all), you can use distinguishing marks of them instead, like the fact that Abra uses a mask that smiles the whole time. Thatch doesn’t have that, does he?


Abra stomped on the ground and the rose petals flew up into sparkles, William countered by blowing on them and they turned into small golden butterflies. The ever-smiling magician swished his hands and they turned into a tornado that flew into the air, while the cocky opponent snapped his fingers and the cyclone exploded into a rainbow. The dark-haired entertainer clapped his hands, “You’re like the younger brother I never wanted.”

Bolded: I would just like to point out that “Tornado” and “Cyclone” are two different things. If you’d like to know the differences between them, you can read them here ( http://www.diffen.com/difference/Cyclone_vs_Tornado)

General: In general, your main problem lies in describing the events. You’re simply telling us what happened, not showing. Now, it’s kind of hard to simply explain this, so I’ll provide an example later, but your characters look like bland, colorless, expressionless robots. Like the only thing they have to their names are their actual designations and their abilities. I know that a person’s imagination ends up filling the blanks somewhat (heck, my imagination filled in Abra’s spot with Twisted Fate from League of Legends and yes, without the mask, because you didn’t mention it, at all in your battle), but you can’t leave the basics out. You’d think that being the only thing hiding a portal that exists in place of Abra’s face, the mask would get a bit more of a spotlight, but it doesn’t. And that’s a shame.
If the whole text was more like this sentence you have:

The 360 kg bear snuffled the air, his big black moist nose taking in the scent of blood, ashes, and fear.
The battle would be a lot better. This one shows the weight of the bear (though keep in mind that you shouldn’t always give exact values. It depends on the perspective of the narration; as in, if you’re writing in first person, you probably wouldn’t know that the bear would weigh 360kg; if the reader will be able to get a proper idea of it or if you even want them to know that value exactly), HOW it entered (“snuffled” was actually a good word for it because it’s actually very specific), HOW the nose looked like and WHAT it smelled.
So, here’s something you could have done to improve that paragraph:

Abra stomped on the ground with a loud bang and the rose petals flew up into the air, suddenly turning into sparkles; determined to not be left behind, especially after having claimed that he was better, William countered by blowing in their direction, which made them quickly turn into small golden, glinting butterflies that tried to hurriedly fly away. The ever-smiling magician, quick with a response, swished his hands and their shapes started twisting on themselves, quickly starting to spin and turning into a harmless tornado that lifted itself even higher into the air. But his cocky opponent was not done yet. Snapping his fingers, the meteorological phenomenon, exploded into a fabulous display of colour, a rainbow; glittering beautifully for the whole audience to enjoy. Faking surprise, the dark-haired entertainer clapped his hands before sarcastically admitting, “You’re like the younger brother I never wanted.”


Suddenly a crack appeared, where did that come from? A card floated down from the crack and onto the ground, the face was Joker.

“Suddenly, a crack appeared”
WHERE? Sure, I get that you don’t want to explain what caused it, but you should have still mentioned where it was, especially given that you then say that a card comes out of it! >: I

But yeah, those are basically the biggest problems in your battle. I just mentioned one example of each, but they’re everywhere. Hopefully, this made you aware of what you need to change.

There are people here who could do a better job than me at explaining this to you, but I hope I could be of help : D

In Nevron’s case, there are a lot less things I’d consider mistakes, at least, that I can notice. But they do exist. Like this:

Looking around the plaza I had found myself in, I noticed a couple of promising locations, but a small coffee shop sitting largely abandoned in light of a street performer caught my eye. Shrugging, I figured that a decent cup of coffee and something quick to eat might get me through the morning. Shoving the flyer that I’d grabbed as we’d entered town into a pocket of my jacket, I darted somewhat clumsily over to the coffee shop and held onto the door handle for a bit of support as a wave of fatigue washed over me.

Just wanted to point out that this was unnecessary. Just mentioning “shop” would have been enough. You could have avoided the repetition.


It could be possible that they weren’t actively watching me: it had been almost a year since they’d last seen any sign of me, and the council members had more to deal with than a renegade journeyman such as myself. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath before letting it out after a few moments, deciding that I would just be a bit more careful about covering my tracks in the future. If they did end up coming after me, then I would just have to deal with it then.

Similar thing, you have left that “me” out and avoided repeating the sound.


Moreover, there was a shadowy figure floating about among the spectators, glowing points on the people that had been hypnotized indicating that something very strange had happened.

This might just be me, but I kind of found this bolded bit a bit awkward to understand. Wouldn’t it have made more sense to do something like this?

Moreover, there was a shadowy figure floating about among the spectators, leaving glowing points on the people that had been hypnotized, indicating that something very strange had happened


The council would never work with a mage, let alone one that had also formed a pact, which meant that this one was an outlaw and could very well be dangerous.

Which still left other possibilities open I realized, slowly standing as I finished the coffee and walked over towards my pack.

Given the previous sentence, the use of the paragraph and the lack of a comma after “open” actually leaves this sentence to sound kind of weird. What I mean by this is that generally, a new paragraph is created when you want to start talking about a different thing. This is still about William pondering about Abra so it starts off sounding weird. As for the comma, its absence has the sentence run too fast, which makes it loose its sense. The best way to explain it would be through voice, but this is text, so I hope I got the message through regardless.


I rolled the thought over as I gulped down more of the strong coffee, before discarding it.

slowly standing as I finished the coffee and walked over towards my pack.

Hey, um… I know he’s a magician, but didn’t he just throw away his coffee? I don’t remember him either ordering two or creating a duplicate .-.


I tried to turn away, speak, do something other than walk towards the clearly unstable masked man in front of me, only to have him dart up and pat my cheek and chuckle.

He quickly moved back into my field of vision, close enough to my face that my nose almost touched his mask.

Either I’m missing something in the mental translation or he never moved away from William’s field of vision to begin with o-o


I closed my eyes, shooting a glance down the alley and throwing a whistle to make sure I was followed before looking at Devokh.

I’m sure he got a good view of it.
(I’m sorry, but I can’t help but make sarcastic remarks. They’re not ill-intended >_<)

Careful not to let them touch the ground, I slipped them into my pocket and quickly located the chalk just as I saw a flash and a fist managed to solidly clock me across my jaw, knocking me to the ground. Picking myself back up again, I turned toward the source of the impact just in time to see Abra vanish into the air as he finished the follow-through…and just in time to receive a kick over my shoulder that took me to my knees. I could only groan as I thought about teleportation, and tried to ignore the pain as I hastily scribbled the beginnings of the circle on the hard cement.

We traded blows like this for several minutes , all the while I kept taking hits from nowhere and tried to build up more of the sigils on recovery

Surely I’m missing something on this one, because in the first quote, it really just looks like William got hit by a fist in his jaw and a kick right above his shoulder while he tried to prepare his spell. I see no trade of blows here .-.

Another thing I feel I should mention is the fact that the scribbles William makes don’t have enough exposure. You know he’s doing them, but we have no idea as to how they look, how they’re being ordered, what’s their layout or how the hastiness is making it less efficient.

Oh, btw, this is just pure nitpicking, but I seem to have noticed inconsistencies when mentioning the “Council”. Sometimes it’s capitalized and sometimes it isn’t when you’re clearly referring to this group.

Other than that, you clearly take the cake on this one Nevron. And I really liked the way William just left the scene. Kind of badass

Lobotomizer
06-21-2014, 10:19 AM
Just so we get this out of this out of the way, Nevron wins hands down no competition. The overall plot and writing ability from him far exceeds asmodeus.

Asmodeus:

You make the same mistake as every beginner writer on SP.

To boil it down, your plot was basically "Abra got insulted by another magician and the sensible course of action was to gut him." No twists. Just that.

This is also coupled with your writing being almost a carbon copy of a pokemon battle; the description and sentence phrasing is equally simple and without variation.

Abra uses x

William uses Y

It was super effective!!!

The result was a story that lacked everything that a story should have. Look at Miracle's battle and you will understand why. There is no feeling, no emotion. Nothing to grip the reader and hold their attention. It was like trying to go through a pointless marathon. Long, gruelling, and absolutely rewardless. Add a twist. Explore emotions. Add strategy. Even a pokemon battle is more breath taking because of how each player predicts the other's moves.

Read stories by other writers, not necessarily from SP. Pick up a book, high fantasy genre or whatever you'd like. Find out how writers craft their story and make their writing interesting. A wrhg battle is no excuse to leave out plot and emotion.

Nevron:

Already into the beginning and I can see problems in your writing.

One thing I must emphasise is that in first person writing, YOU are the protagonist. Whatever you describe, is what you notice. Initially your character examines the barista in no small amount of detail. The expression of worry that flashed for just a moment, her accent, how unnoticeable it was. This, including the actions he took to put her at ease already tells me that he is concerned as to what people think/has a keen eye/courteous and so on.

But after that, his attention to detail was no longer there. When he startled her, he merely apologized and thanked her, not even bothering to note her expression and/or if she thought him weird. Nothing, save for that fact that she'd returned to read.

The moral of the story is to keep consistent and stay consistent, because even the detail matters. Your character's motivations, personality must all be well known to you before you pen down everything. Writing is not accountancy, but you must at the same time think about what you are writing before you pen it down.

The next thing is emotion. If you stick to one point of view, then you must show that character's emotions to the fullest. He was magically bound by Abra, so what? Was he frustrated? Surprised at the sudden aggression? Abra's arrogance probably wasn't something he could ignore. What was his reaction? Don't forget to mention pain as well. Gladiators are not marionettes that bleed.

And finally, refrain from dragging on the battle unless it is one of attrition. Trading blows for three continuous minutes? At least one or the other would have began to fall flat from exhaustion, not to mention the large time window for a mistake to happen and be taken advantaged of. You cannot simply wave part of the battle off as "they fought for a bit", either. Not one mention of fatigue or pain was seen until the very end.

Perhaps I harp too much on realism, but is it not interesting to watch someone having to deal with the troubles of flesh than to simply fight to the death?

The rest, Seb has mentioned. I merely wished to consolidate the more notable problems that arose throughout both stories.

Nevron2000
06-21-2014, 08:09 PM
Wow...lots of feedback, and pretty good advice for progressing. I did notice a lot of this on later reading after I had already posted, and I will definitely watch the consistency of my writing in the future since that is always something that can make or break a storyline. Details are probably the largest part of that for me, and it seems that I need to find a balance that will function a little more smoothly in the future...moreover I think I need to figure out what works as far as how many details are too much, since I've been a little afraid to do too much, especially with battles.

Anyway, you both make some great points here, and I'll probably be wanting to have you read over stuff in the future, if you wouldn't mind. Criticism does amazing things for character growth and plot-holes, after all. Thanks for the feedback!