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View Full Version : JJE (Grigori) vs TwitchyPidge (Sabine)



TwitchyPidge
07-07-2014, 09:07 PM
Here are the battles we've written! Please do CnC, I know it is much appreciated by both participants, and please do vote, and vote fairly. Thanks for reading, enjoy!


~Twitch



The sound of whittling filled the small cabin and could be heard in the woods, steel against wood. The sound wasn’t anything new ever since Grigori had created the cabin in the woods. The forest was at peace, wind rustled through the leaves, birds were chirping, and deer were grazing around. Suddenly the tranquility was broken by the sound of a motorcycle as a sleek, black Mission R hopped and skid as it tried to stay on the small bumpy dirt path that was never meant for a vehicle. Its loud, out of place sounds scared away the peace and all was quiet around Grigori’s cabin except for the continuous whittling of steel against wood. The messenger got off the motorcycle with shaky legs but when he took off his helmet it didn’t expose a face of fear but of annoyance. He didn’t like how he had to go to such a secluded place, why couldn’t the gladiator just live in the city? Pissed he knocked on the door, “Mr. Grigori? I’m part of the WRHG and am here to issue a challenge.” He paused, but couldn’t hear anything within, he leaned against the door with his ear pressed against it, “Mr. Grigori?”

Suddenly the door was yanked back and the man stumbled forward, but quickly stood up to regain his composure. He stared up at the mountain of a man and quickly held out a letter. “You have been ordered to participate in a battle at the WRHG headquarters. Please come at all haste.” All his anger having been dispelled by the gladiator’s ridiculous size.

Grigori towered over the man, the man coming to Grigori’s chest. Grigori was covered in leather armor and chainmail could be seen at the joints, he had a wild, unkempt beard that covered his chest and he had short brown, spiked hair. Grigori stared at the man with his dark pine green eyes and simply responded with a nod. He placed onto a desk a piece of wood that was about the size of his palm along with a small knife. He then put on heavy metal gauntlets and walked outside. He shut the door with a mighty bang and grabbed the 7’ halberd that lied dug point first into the ground in front of the cabin by the entryway. He strapped it onto his back and began walking down the path towards SP City. The messenger couldn’t get past the man’s enormous frame with his motorcycle so was subjugated to walk behind, dragging his bike next to him.

Grigori made it to the city hours later, the messenger having finally been able to break ahead once they reached an actual road, leaving Grigori behind to continue on his heavy way. As Grigori paced through the city heading towards the WRHG building which the man had said was near the middle of the city, he couldn’t stand the progress man had made. He could smell the pollutants in the air and the noise pollution was just as bad. Everyone was loud and rackus, horns blared from cars as they belched smog into the air, people threw trash onto the floor, not even bothering with the trashcan only a few paces out of their way. Grigori shook his head as he pushed through the mob of people. He will fight this fight then go back to his cabin as soon as possible, he missed the tranquility of solitude.

He entered into the building and was shocked and pleased with the sudden silence that enveloped him as the doors slid shut behind him. He marched up to the receptionist and simply stated, “I was told to come here for a challenge.”

The lady smiled politely at the man and quickly went to her computer. After a minute or so she stated, “Yes sir, go to arena 8 which will be on the left wing.” Grigori answered with a simple nod and made his way down. Soon finding the curved number 8, he walked up to the door and opened it. He walked in to a scene he wasn’t expecting, it was a barren field, only harboring a few small bushes, but basically just a large brown dusty dirt plain. Across the field sat a woman, aging at around 20, she had her hair draped down her back with her bangs swept in front of her face. She wore a simple pair of worn out jeans and a faded tank top, both seem to have been worn frequently. She had been staring at him as he had entered and stood up, leaving a brown leather bag on the ground.

She dusted off her jeans and stated, “Huh, thought you had surrendered. Took you a long as hell time to get here.” Once she had stood Grigori was able to notice the whip and knife she had in her hands.

“I apologize for my tardiness, I walked.” Grigori simply stated as he unslung his halberd. “Now my name is Grigori the Arbiter, the Champion of Gaia, Mother Earth. Who do I have the pleasure of fighting?” He took his stance, with his halberd head pointed down and the pole diagonal across his chest, the point high in the air.

She gave a small smile, and the whip unraveled in her hands, “My name is Sabine Marie Bataille, also known as the Voodoo queen or Iwa.” With the introductions done, she snapped her whip and darted forward. Despite her relatively large height she was very agile and quick on her feet, covering the gap between them fast and hard, her knife prepped for a slash. Grigori suspected that his large build and his massive halberd gave off the impression of a slow hitter, but he was going to make her regret the assumption. He swung the halberd in a large clockwise circle and the hammer came crashing down at Sabine’s head. However he had also made an assumption about her speed and she quickly dodged out of the way, stabbing at his midriff with her knife. Grigori repelled her with a sweep of his halberd which she jumped back to dodge, leaving the knife stuck in his side. He pulled out the blade, showing no injuries thanks to his stone skin, but he realized he had to pace himself or she’ll succeed next time.

He kept the head of his halberd between him and her, but kept his distance, he couldn’t go too hard in for he knew she would dance circles around him. He went in for a flurry of jabs, using the halberd’s length to keep him safely away from knife distance, but she retaliated never the less with her whip. Though it looked short coiled, when elongated it easily spanned 7 feet and flickered at him like a snake tongue. It did no damage as it couldn’t go through his armor, but when it found its true mark, his face, it nipped at his skin. Annoyed he attacked with an uppercut, but her speed once against trumped his and she dodge the simple attack and went in for another stab.

Grigori stamped his feet and a wall erected itself underneath her feet, sending her launching into the air. Using the sudden interruption, Grigori flicked his wrists and his halberd snapped towards Sabine, planning on catching her midriff with the pole of the weapon. She overcame the shock of suddenly going airborne and braced herself for the impact. As the blow sent her flying she caught the halberd with a flick of her whip and as the leather coiled around it, she yanked back with her arm. Grigori felt slightly sorry because of all the effort she was fruitlessly putting into disarming him. The 200 lb weapon wasn’t going to leave his arms with such a weak attempt and he watched as the whip was wrenched out her hands. She landed on the ground with an oomph and was dragged a short distance. She stood up slowly, her hair disheveled and both of her hands grasped a knife. “How heavy is that damn piece of wood?

“This halberd was blessed by Gaia, it is 200 pounds but I can wield it at a 1/10th of its weight. Don’t you believe we should stop this?” Grigori simply spoke, once again in the pose he had in the beginning of the duel, “Your knives can’t penetrate my defense.”

“So you say.” She retorted, “But I’m not one for giving up so quickly.” Grigori was impressed by her stubbornness, but just like her, he wasn’t planning on losing. She rushed in and Grigori met the dash, winding back for a heavy swing. He went for a low sweep, one that would slice her at the legs but like he predicted, she jumped over. However the sweep was just a bluff as he let go with one hand and hit her with a gut punch. He could feel the spikes on his gauntlet sink into her flesh then stop. He pulled back and stared with horrid fascination at the flesh that clung onto his knuckles. The hole in her stomach exposed an ashy skin that slightly smoked as if hot. Suddenly smoke began appearing in gaps all over her body and her human form began burning away, exposing another person underneath. Before Grigori could say anything, the smoke around her thickened and began crawling all over the arena, covering everything a deep black smog. Grigori couldn’t find any way to dispel the smog so he stamped his feet and a wall raised him above the smoke, where Sabine was waiting. She must’ve waited for him to begin rising before leaping into the air where she tackled the giant of a man and knocked him off his pedestal. He hit the ground with an oomph as she pressed down on him from above. His halberd was of no use in such close range and she beat away at his face which he struggled to protect. Her scaly fists rasped against his gauntlets which would slightly be dragged with the fist for a short while before he regained control of the metal. Her heat burned his chest and exposed beard and the acrid smell of burning hair mixed in with the charcoal smoke.

Grigori’s breath began becoming more choked as coal dust filled his lungs and he went for a rash move. Leaving his face unprotected he grabbed the woman by her midriff and chucked her over him. She caught him with a hook to the face and he could feel his skin tear away and burn. He ignored the pain and flipped her over him, smashing her head into the ground, making a loud, sharp crunch noise. He stood up and swept his foot against the ground, opening a wide rift where the smoke began pooling into. As the room began clearing up, he turned towards his opponent, who laid still on the floor. He knew that breaking her neck was a gruesome way to kill her but it was all he had available to him. He looked at the injury and gazed at the scarlet that showed between the cracks in her charcoal-like skin.

He checked his own injuries, taking not of his now shorten beard and the gash on his face. His armor had also taken damage where it had been burn through by her skin. As he turned to go to the exit, another crack made him turn his head. He looked as horns began growing out of her head, breaking through the skin, and small points began poking out, cracking the skin even more. Suddenly in a vicious explosion, spikes were fired across the room and Grigori barely had the chance to cover his face with his arms as spikes scratched across his cheeks and armor.

From the ashes of the coals came out a scarlet beast with horns arching from her head and elongated nails. Her physique was slightly twisted but for some reason Grigori couldn’t stop staring. He shook his head to clear his mind, and prepared for battle. He couldn’t allow her to achieve an upper hand so he stamped his foot and a stalagmite shot its way towards the still recovering body. She took the spear to the side, but once again the stalagmite couldn’t pierce deeper, it was stopped by something. She took herself off the spike and stared at Grigori. With a sudden hiss she charged, her nails scraping against the floor. Grigori tried to concentrate, the longer the battle dragged on, the worse it was going for him. She seemed to be refreshed every time he peeled off one of her skins while it just tired him more. He had to end it at this layer or he knew he would loss.

He took a deep breath and waited for her to come. As soon as she drew closer he swept the floor with his halberd, clipping her in the leg, tripping her. As she fell, he grabbed his halberd so that he had a lengthy piece of the pole between his two hands and ducked. He stuck the pole into her throat and with a quick twist, slammed her onto the ground with him on top of her, the pole strangling her. Her arms with pinned on the ground by his legs but the nails scratched away at his armor, piercing it and attacking the skin underneath. However, her hands didn’t have enough force behind them to pierce his stone skin. Spikes grew out of her hands and she stabbed them into him, but he grunted through the pain and pushed down deeper. Her mouth gaped as she tried to breath, and her eyes rolled back as her brain ran out of oxygen. The wild attempts to attack him became feebler until they stopped completely. He stood up, and fell back almost immediately. He was too tired to move so he just sat there, relishing his first victory.


The fire crackled familiarly as Sabine shot a quick text back at the clan who was checking in her and her camping/collecting trip. Components were always much more potent when they were native. So she headed out with some hiking gear, a trusty hunting knife along with her regular selection, collecting gear, and whip hitched to her hip.

She’d strung up two rabbits to bleed a bit so she could taxidermy the feet with no problem, and had another slowly roasting over the fire. She’d settled in a nice little wooded area, and was now currently scraping herself some white willow bark, which she chewed enthusiastically to rid herself of what felt like an on coming headache.

Having filled up several jars that could last her years if used sparingly (though with assignments finally starting to pour in, she’d probably be a bit liberal) and after having cleared a good section of the tree, she’d decided it’d be best to get more firewood.

So there she was, snapping twigs and carefully hacking at good sized branches with a hand axe, when she was confronted by a vision from a renaissance fair, with a halberd. He was not happy.

“Why are you here?”

“Uhm, firewood, and other things, but the reason I’m in this exact spot is for fire wood. Healthy and green means more smoke, which means less bugs and tastier rabbit.” She tried a friendly grin and set back to work on her branch.

“Stop.”

She did, as the branch was falling into her collection by then anyways.

“Can I help you?”

She inquired lightly concerned, and now unnerved as the halberd was beginning to look a lot less like a prop as his he moved forward..

“What else have you killed? What else of Gaia’s have you massacred?”

“Couple rabbits, look I’m out foraging, it’s not a crime. Now if you’ll excuse me I left my fire burning and two more rabbits are out in the open to be pecked at by birds.”

She gathered up what she’d collected and made her leave, and easily heard the man following her. Her collection of animals and plants, things scraped or torn off trees was piled up around her sleeping area and other equipment. His anger was evident as he cut down the stripped rabbits and inspected her jars of various flora and fauna components with a growing frown.

There was a wide array of them, many large, or an amassed amount of many smaller things. It would likely take her several trips to transport them all back with her.

“You did all of this? Here? On MY land?”

“Look here you, there’s no signs, it’s a national park, I’m free to scavenge and collect and HUNT as I please, so why don’t you just leave me the hell alo-”

She heard wood snap and saw he’d kicked the footless rabbit off from over the fire.

“Why? What reason could you have to torture and disgrace these creations?” He gestured to skinned carcasses and severed parts of animals that had been carefully contained.

“Components. I need to restock, especially for my Gladiator re-evaluation-”

“You’re a gladiator, with RHG?”

“Yes, now-”

“I challenge you, now, for desecrating my animals and Gaia’s creations.”

Sabine stared at the man who gripped his spear and glared at her with a passionate fury.

“It will be an honor to fight. I hope you are formidable.” He eyed her uncertainly, unceremoniously dropping the large jar of hand powdered beetle he’d been holding, allowing it to crash to the forest floor and scatter the contents. He walked through them, making them unsalvageable.

That had take her six dedicated days to amass.

With that Sabine chucked her hand axe at his head, which of course he dodged, causing it to hit his armored shoulder, and stayed there.

“I accept you utter passe emba la roue avion!” She spat this venomously, furious at his actions which seemed to her unjustified and crass.

He removed the axe with a grunt, though most of the blow had been taken by the armor, not his shoulder, blood still flowed freely from the wound and he readied his weapon as she unfurled her whip and knife.

“Begin.”

She took off, away from the encampment and dove into a thicker section of the woods where the trees were much closer together. He followed behind quickly, sending spikes of ground and small fissures to disrupt the trees, but they only lost their rooting to further block his path. Her whip she entangled further into an almost wall of trees to stop him. Sabine smiled at him through a small opening, which he thrust his spiked weapon into.

She swiftly moved out of the way and began tearing the skin off her hand as he struggled to free it. She wrapped a stony hand around the wooden staff and watched as coals burnt through it until the axe head fell to the soil at her feet.

She stepped towards the opening, pleased, and was caught in the side with the sharp, charred end of the staff. She let out a gasp and lunged away, holding the pike in place as he cleared the blockage with a stomp. Sabine grimaced, snapping her whip at him as she removed the pike, leaving him to stare questioningly at the lack of blood occupying the whole he’d just made.

She snapped her whip again this time to lose it to his grip.

“Why do you not bleed?” He inquired, picking up his weapon’s head.

“I am no child of Gaia.” She started, lifting her uncovered her hand to tear away to red and stonily patched face. Oshun smiled as Sabine stood once more clearing away areas for more coal and red skin.

The man watched in disgust and mild shock at the claim of no connection to mother earth.

“What are you then, abomination?”

“I’m a Voodoo Queen.” Sabine grinned, though Oshun seethed at his question. “What are you supposed to be? A viking?”

“I’m Grigori. Your Judge, Jury, and Executioner.”

“Funny, you don’t look like any of those.”

His face was met with a handful of fresh, burning coal she’d torn from her shoulder. Causing him to recoil as Sabine pulled out another knife.

“You were never meant to be, and you shall die by my blade, I swear!” He bellowed this with a fierce stomp. A wooden spike erupted from the ground and restricted her wrist. Sabine set to let Erzulie burn through, but it had tightened to the point of crushing the rock into barely glowing embers.

“Don’t you think I already know that?”

She let out an angry shout as horns burst forth from her skin. Twisted and cruelly jagged. As he drew close she swung out with her free hand to claw at his appalled face only to be restricted with another stomp. Though here she tore her arm free to reveal withered flesh.

She struck out again with the arm, and as his blade disconnected it from her body, he was sent to convulsing in the soil from the electric shock which traveled through the blade.

His hand flung back, the hammer portion of his weapon slamming and scraping away at her lower jaw and knocking her against her restraint as he fell.

She freed her other hand, and carefully collected her other. A groan was heard as Grigor began to sit up, only to see Sabine reattach her arm.

“What are you?” He questioned, disgusted and awed as she turned to reveal her chipped bony lower half of her face, the edges of where his weapon had torn away her lips and cheeks revealed further layers over her ebony bones.

“An abomination.”

She ran at him to land a powerful kick to his side, which he took hard, but also allowed him to grasp her leg to send her tumbling down a hill with him. The knife in her hand found purchase in his back as they rolled, rocky flesh and armor against a disturbing calico and simple cloth.

The couple slammed into a tree at the base of said hill, both were scraped and bruised but Grigori was now immobile as the final jostle had injured his spine enough to paralyze.

Sabine pushed away from him, prepared to spar once more, but paused noticing his tensed, and as she soon discovered, paralyzed state.

She tore of the few chunks of dirt ridden flesh simply hanging from her chin and arms, clearing way for her all but pointed teeth.

She wrenched his body up by one of his arms, and sunk her teeth into his wrist, dust pooling in her mouth as Grigori’s vision began to fade.

“Child of Gaia.” She muttered this to herself around a mouth of dust, having pulled back once her mouth was full simply leaving him unconscious. The anger mellowed and interest faded as she watched him slump.

Sabine stood allowing him flop to the ground, and eagerly spitting out what had once been his blood, before turning back to her camp and gathering up her rabbits.

“Time to pack.”

Tantalum
07-08-2014, 07:35 AM
JJE's story had a clear intro, although maybe lacking enough detail to really set the scene around the cabin and at the arena. Nonetheless it gave a clear insight of Grigori's mindset heading into battle. The fight itself was a little heavy-worded in places, but varied descriptions and shifting advantages kept it interesting. The only real issue I had was with the climax and ending, which felt a little too abrupt. Sabine had dodged a low sweep rather effortlessly earlier on in the story -- some elaboration on how he made it connect the second time would have been perfect.

TwitchyPidge did a good job of setting a scene, scenario and relationship between the two fighters through their dialogue. The fight was fast-paced and interesting to read -- it kept rather one-sided throughout, but most of the pair's abilities were shown to be of use. The climax had no twists as such, but nonetheless was a satisfying ending. There were a few typos in places, mostly tenses and suffixes, but nothing too detracting from the overall story.

Twitchy gets my vote this round. Good luck in your future battles!

Lobotomizer
07-08-2014, 06:38 PM
JJE: blant start, bland plot and a fairly bland finish. Your writing is a waste for what you've come up with. While i acknowledge that you've tried several 'twists' in the battle the resolution was not quite satisfying either. Like many other battle stories yours is a marathon to slug through without much reward in return. Try something else other than "i challenge you to wrhg".

Twitch: you tried to put some amount of background before starting the fight, but characters act fairly one dimensional, and the basis for the fight feels rather inane. The fight is terribly hard to follow and gave no context to your character's powers which, by all accounts are not easily understood at first read. Forcing the reader to refer to the character sheets is a bad thing to do.

Sub par plotting aside, the battle was short and simplistic, but not interesting in any way. There were no twists, just fighting, and the ending was so anticlimatic that I had to double back just to confirm that one of them had lost. If a story was akin to a roller coaster yours would be a short car ride with the occasional bump. Overall an unsatisfying fight; you could do better.

Vote goes to twitch, but JJE comes close. Both of you are held back by your own problems even though your writing is fairly competent.

Crank
07-14-2014, 10:11 PM
Personally I liked both of these battles and think you both did a very good job!

Going in order, JJE I'm going to open with this:

http://hdwallpaperszon.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/UFC-Wallpapers-3.jpg
http://hdwallpaperszon.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/UFC-Wallpapers-6.jpg
http://hdwallpaperszon.in/wp-content/uploads/2013/09/UFC-Wallpapers-5.jpg

Why do those look so painful? All things considered, they're freeze frame pictures, there isn't any blurring showing the motion so you can't tell the speed in that regard, and there isn't any before and after to compare it to. What you can see though, is the impact. Take that last dude for example, his face looks like it's caved into his neck, just layer after layer or fleshy ripple, arm seeming to go limp and the fact that his eyes aren't clenched just shut seem to imply he's outright out. The guy above him doesn't exactly look like his face is a stack of squished clay balls, but the blow visibly turned his neck, jerking it to the side as his eyes clamped, mouth agape as some sort of "I'm in pain" type noise slipped out. The man on the top though has an explosion of sweat emphasizing the impact as he was caught in the air, force of the blow overtaking his own forward momentum as fist pounded into face with unforgiving power.

My point is, whatever the type of blow you're playing with, you show the power not with the delivery but the reaction.

The 200 lb weapon wasn’t going to leave his arms with such a weak attempt and he watched as the whip was wrenched out her hands. She landed on the ground with an oomph and was dragged a short distance. She stood up slowly, her hair disheveled and both of her hands grasped a knife. “How heavy is that damn piece of wood?"

The other thing that seems to be a bit lacking is emotion. Now, I've never been in one in real life, but I'd bet a lot goes into them, especially for less stoic characters. From Sabine's perspective here, she finally got a grip on the weapon keeping him out of her reach, but instead of taking his from him, she loses hers. That'd be like if I was a thief holding up a convenience store and they got my wallet.

The 200 lb weapon wasn’t going to leave his arms with such a weak attempt, but as he yanked back in reply the whip ripped out of her death grip, shredding flesh and leaving her with the blazing sensation of a rope-burn from Hell as she became airborne behind it. Her body pounded against the hard earth like she sprinted into a wall, skin dragging against it as blood oozed from the puncture of the small stones she skid across. Mind screaming, Sabine bit down on her lip just to contain it. Having to use her elbows just to get to her knees the building fire in her eyes matched the inferno she felt in her palms, numbing the stinging she felt elsewhere. Hair a disaster, she pushed herself upright before drawing her knife, eyes clenching as agony pierced her like it impaled her hand despite just grabbing the handle. Shaking her head in disbelief, a furious glare locked on the man's weapon. Uncalculable frustration masked her raspy panting as she fired a question. “How heavy is that damn piece of wood?"

Just sort of as a general idea. You clearly have a good vocabulary and I think implementing these two things would really help you immensely! Very solid first fight, I look forward to more!

Pidge:

First of all, if I say “I accept you utter passe emba la roue avion!" at work am I swearing under the radar or challenging someone to a duel? Just gotta know who to hiss what at! Anyway! I always like when there's a reason for the fight, something beyond a challenge out of the blue and I think the mixture Sabine's gathering and Grigor's protectiveness of nature did a very good job of provoking the action. I feel like I have profiles to read with the dust pool that came from the neck bite, but I wouldn't've minded a little bit more of a slow down with the paralyzing blow. I think it's a neat way to take someone down, like I haven't seen a spine shot since I don't even know when so I give you major props for that, but it was a little quick as the others said.

One final thing is that in contrast to the strong reason you had to fight, Sabine's motive for being there seemed forgotten by the end. She had just spent a minimum of 6 days gathering all of her supplies, only to have them all ruined suddenly and from her perspective, no reason. As a human being I have like three emotions, but I like seeing them shown when they're pushed. I can't quite tell her mindset when she returned to her camp, and I'm finding myself torn between a casual "Oh well" and outright giving up on the situation.

I guess my main advice is making sure you're ending has enough juicy meat in it. Gotta leave a few lingering thoughts!

Sabine stood allowing him flop to the ground, and eagerly spitting out what had once been his blood, before turning back to her camp and gathering up her rabbits.

“Time to pack.”

Sabine stood allowing him flop to the ground, and eagerly spitting out what had once been his blood, before turning back to her camp.

Shattered glass remained scattered in the grass, giving it a silent bloodlust, just daring to be stepped on as the woman surveyed the damage. Her fire thrashed violently as the wind blew powered beetle into it's maw like a cultist sacrifice. Exposed flora and fauna components wilted from immense heat as their jars had rolled towards the blaze while others were unusable from damage from the smoke alone. All that remained were the pair of rabbits, but that didn't even come remotely close to making up the incredible loss she had suffered due to a single encounter.

An exasperated exhale left her while her feet dragged towards the animals. Eyes drifting, she couldn't even look at the waste any longer as she stuffed her hands into her pockets.

“Time to pack.”

Very enjoyable story! Glad to see you fighting again and I'll see ya in the Civil War!