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View Full Version : Fran's Fireworks: Larry vs Sabine



SaulMurphy
07-21-2014, 04:05 AM
This is the Civil War battle between Twitchypidge's Sabine and digkid's Larry. They are fighting in a fireworks shop! Due to not receiving digkid's entry yet, the thread is being made so long with only Twitch's entry. digkid's will be added once I receive it, but until then, I will leave the poll running. The longer he takes, the less time there will be to vote for his piece.

Sabine:



Sabine pulled her hood further up along her head as she was greeted by the cheery shop owner of ‘Fran’s Fireworks’. She needed some gunpowder for a few hexes, and independence day was coming up so she figured purchasing some flaming projectiles would be a decent way to spend some time before her cab showed up.

She couldn’t risk walking home, not with the black hand still out and about, but she didn’t want the boys to worry, and avoiding wet fireworks seemed a decent enough reason to not walk home. Her injuries could easily be blamed on her re-evaluation.

The stench she’d caught a whiff of outside deepened into worse levels of grotesqueness, panicked she yanked up her sleeve where horns and coal had burned through to see if she’d begun to rot, though she was sure she had several weeks before it would begin.

She was greeted with angrily glowing patches, and several holes from where the sleeve had caught on the spikes, rather than the oozey, greying flesh she feared.

“Fran needs to get some febreeze then…” She sighed in slight relief, turning down the aisle where they kept the larger fireworks. One in particular caught her eye, the last one in it’s row, a particularly fancy one which supposedly turned into a serpent.

“Perfect.” She smiled a bit, hoping her day was looking up, when her hand met a grimy set of fingers which belonged to the man who emitted the currently almost overpowering stench she’d encountered walking in.

Sabine looked up to see a man who looked like he’d been through a never ending string of rough nights, had an absolute lack of basic hygiene, and was suffering from a massive and unpleasant hangover.

He reciprocated her less than welcoming and half-hidden glance with a grimace and yanked the box from her hand. “Get yer own.”

“I was.” The Iwa placed both hands on the box and yanked it back. She’d fought off more than enough people today, but she was not going to simply allow such simple defeat.

“Listen here, I’m not in the mood to deal with some little girl taking my stuff, I won’t have it, or my name isn’t Larry.”

“Well Larry, oh man of the least intimidating name in existence, deal with it.” She turned on her heel, only to have her arm seized in a fierce grip. “Gimme that.” The man’s breath reeked of tooth decay and beer as he pressed his reeking form closer in attempt to intimidate.

“Let go ya drunk!” She shoved the box behind her with her free hand as his grip tightened.

“I ain’t drunk, that’s the problem.” He sneered drawing even closer.

Sabine grimaced and tried to pull away as her arm flamed and the spikes extended into the rude man’s hand, causing him to recoil and stare at the scorched as well as shredded remains of her sleeve.

“The hell-” Sabine’s other arm was seized at the wrist, causing her under layers to burn through as she struggled to get away, letting curses fly as she was slammed against the shelving. The box had ignited and skidded away from the pair as he pressed closer and filled his cheeks with air.

The burp Larry had been building was never heard as the firecracker interrupted him, and indeed became a serpent before it collided with the shelving for bottle roman candles.

The two troublemakers took to running through the aisles, Sabine chucking pieces of coal from her shoulders and arms at Larry who was in hot pursuit. Eventually she realized lighting the projectiles directly in front of him would be far more effective.

“Sorry Fran.” She mumbled, tossing red hot rocks into the two shelving units as she past, sending fireworks skidding, screeching, and exploding everywhere, sending both parties sprawling for cover.

The emergency sprinklers had come on, but the vast majority of the shop was in shambles, though Sabine noticed while sitting up that The friendly shop owner seemed to watch quite contentedly from the register.

The young woman’s hood was yanked down and her airway cut off as she was lifted by the collar of her sweatshirt. Larry was filling his cheeks once more, grinning almost until he got a peek at the horrific calico which was her face due to the day’s earlier events.

He hesitated staring again at the rock like and then horned underlying layers of her being, allowing her the time to whip out a knife and plunge it into his shoulder, allowing her to drop and freeing the burp to decimate what was left of the smoldering and soggy shop.

“Guess you really ain’t some little girl, then.” Larry stepped back, watching her stand up, both now burnt, bruised, and drenched. “That or you sure are one hell of an eye sore.” He laughed, and swung at her with his good arm, Sabine ducked grabbed his forearm, and broke his elbow via snapping it over her shoulder.

“At least I bathe.” She kicked his stumbling feet out from under him, interrupting his shouts with a grunt as his frame hit the cheap linoleum floor. She began navigating through the debris ignoring his garbled and hateful shouts as he struggled to get up with limited aid from his arms.

Sabine heard a honking out the side and sirens down the street as she neared the entrance, her now frantic escape paused only by Fran, standing with a calm smile, handing her a box of sparklers, for which Sabine quite taken aback, paid for at the waterlogged register.

This brief moment of very unexpected and unnatural normalcy provided Sabine’s body time to calm down, and allowed her to readjust her attire to hide her features, also noticed by the unfazable Fran as she bagged her soggy purchase.

“Come again dear!” Sabine flicked up her hood quickly, speed walking out of the store and sighed in relief as she clambered into her cab which had been impatiently vying for her attentions. It took off, heading through town towards home just as the fire truck pulled up to the store, greeted by the still smiling Fran.

Crank
07-28-2014, 08:37 PM
It's getting to the point that my faith in the holdouts is rapidly draining, and although I really hope I'm wrong, I'm sorry that it looks like you're going unchallenged this round Pidge.

Anyway though! Very solid story! I liked it a lot and the end got a good chuckle out of me and I think you did a great job finding a way for the fight to start! When I saw your condition, but I think you played it off really well!

I just got a few things for ya.

First off, I know this is going to be a little hypocritical coming from me, but I think you need to be careful for using too many long sentences in a row. I usually notice this type of thing with really short ones, but I think it works both ways. Do you play an instrument? I played tuba throughout school so I had plenty of rests to breathe during, but if stars aligned and I got the rhythm for a bit, I didn't have such a cleanly defined place to catch my breath. Applies here a little bit too, if commas are quick breaths and periods are rests. Sure you can slip in one or two every once in a while, but too much and it starts to sound sloppy. Don't get me wrong, I will kill myself to own eight measures of glory, but if I have another eight right after that I'm mildly screwed. And again, I know I'm a hypocrite here.

Sabine pulled her hood further up along her head as she was greeted by the cheery shop owner of ‘Fran’s Fireworks’. She needed some gunpowder for a few hexes, and independence day was coming up so she figured purchasing some flaming projectiles would be a decent way to spend some time before her cab showed up.

She couldn’t risk walking home, not with the black hand still out and about, but she didn’t want the boys to worry, and avoiding wet fireworks seemed a decent enough reason to not walk home. Her injuries could easily be blamed on her re-evaluation.

The stench she’d caught a whiff of outside deepened into worse levels of grotesqueness, panicked she yanked up her sleeve where horns and coal had burned through to see if she’d begun to rot, though she was sure she had several weeks before it would begin.

She was greeted with angrily glowing patches, and several holes from where the sleeve had caught on the spikes, rather than the oozey, greying flesh she feared.

Sabine pulled her hood further up along her head as she was greeted by the cheery shop owner of ‘Fran’s Fireworks’. She needed some gunpowder for a few hexes, and independence day was coming up so she figured purchasing some flaming projectiles would be a decent way to spend some time.

Besides, she couldn’t risk walking home. Not with the black hand still out and about, but she didn’t want the boys to worry either. Taking a cab to avoid wet fireworks seemed a decent enough excuse, and her injuries could easily be blamed on her re-evaluation.

Having caught a stench from something before even entering, a sudden panic struck her as it deepened into worse levels of grotesqueness. Desperately she yanked up her sleeve where horns and coal had burned through to see if she’d begun to rot, though she was sure she had several weeks before it would begin.

She was greeted with angrily glowing patches, and several holes from where the sleeve had caught on the spikes, rather than the oozey, greying flesh she feared.

It just helps out with the pacing a little bit.

The other thing was when the serpent firework went off, by nature of it becoming a serpent and exploding it automatically sounded really cool. I would've like to see it in more details, as well as the mass chaos that ensued so soon after. It almost felt a little nonchalant. Like, if I suddenly come to the knowledge that my best friend beheaded a massive wolf that was going to devour a baby, I am going to hear that story, even if I have to spend the next four hours asking him questions that his uncharacteristically casual self seems to think are no big deal. I think pretty much anything unique is worth giving a slow-mo moment, so to speak.

Again though, I really liked it and even though you're unchallenged for the moment, you diffidently earned my vote!

blakphoenix
07-31-2014, 02:30 AM
As a member of the DigKid fandom I have been severely hurt by his lack of providing me with quality writing content against you Pidge. This lack of effort will result in a loss for him, but if Digkid can dig it then so can I!

Now Now Now, I see Crankypoos here already covered one primary concern with this piece which would be the "MEGA SENTENCES" (dun dun duuuun.) The only thing I can ask you to work on at this point is intensifying your scenes. If there are fireworks going off in a firework store I expect to feel like complete and utter firey chaos is ensuing all around the area and the best anyone can do is dodge a few stray bottle rockets before stepping on a firecracker whose explosion lights and m-80 that knocks over the crate of illegals right onto some sparklers that manage to light their fuses and "Oh boy is it about to get messy in here," but that's just because I like drawing out things. Anyway that was nice, short, sweet, and a bit explosive, that's all you need for a good piece sometimes and this is one of those times. Good Job. ^_^