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View Full Version : VoD R1: Nikx232 vs. WafflesMgee



Jessepinwheel
07-31-2014, 09:26 PM
Haku (Nikx232): Demon-possessed sword, aerokinesis, healing powers, demon transformation via possession
Handyman (WafflesMgee): 9ft-tall monster, arm summoning, dream-entering/manipulating/eating.

The stories below are posted in the order that they were submitted and may not be the order in the title or of the character blurbs above. When giving feedback (and you should), please keep the authors of the respective stories anonymous even if you know which one it is.

Clark Wilde was a solid businessman. He owned the Street-Birchmont company, a business dedicated to laying out whole shopping districts. He brings money to little towns, turns them into small cities and brings back a profit tenfold. His newest conquest was the town of Woodstone, a humble little place that was extraordinarily ordinary. Had a mansion planned and built on the outskirts, recently completed. It was a big, luxurious place, a modern eyesore on this timid and tiny time-tested town. But what he didn't know of is that when he arrived there, there would be two other interesting characters entering into his story, too. But not his life, oh no, his life was over a good while before these two stumbled upon him.

But before I head into the main bulk of this story, I should probably tell you why these two strangers wished to meet Mr. Wilde. Well, Mr. Wilde's plans of a shopping district was halted by only one thing; a worn-down aged little house, the Woodstone Orphanage. And these two intriguing characters had a love for children, namely the orphans. And when Mr. Wilde gave the little old lady in charge of the orphanage a note saying something along the lines of "Get out, we're tearing your house down" you can tell they were more than slightly miffed. So, unknown of each other's existence, they marched thesmelves right up to the mansion to have a little word with Mr. Wilde.

------

Haku strolls from the night of the world into the dark of the mansion, dark from a local power-outage. The front door was wide open, mysteriously. She couldn't risk being seen, so she closed it as she entered. The main room of the mansion was great, a statue of a man seperating the base of a large staircasecase into two as the steps curved around it. The face of this statue was smiling, grinning with teeth of diamond. Haku scoffed at this tyrant-like idol as she walked past him, quickly slashing her sword at the air. By the time she got to the top, the statue's head was on the bottom.

Each room seemed to be filled with purpose, none empty. Strange, as this house was only recently built. She wandered past bathrooms, bedrooms, game rooms and libraries, all devoid of life yet full of posessions, some doors locked and some wide open; she needed to find him.

Then, out of nowhere, the lights turned on; whiteness flooded the whole house, the sudden jump from pitch black to scalding bright nearly blinding her. She could hear the rushing of steel shutters, locking down the whole place. It took her a good few minutes to recuperate her senses, letting her eyes adjust to this new light and for her ears to stop ringing, ending into silence. 'Power's back on,' Haku thought, 'and if Clark isn't in here, then-' the sound of a something exploding shot down the hallway, one of the closed doors now blasted open.

The walls around the area was wrecked with wooden derbis. Carefully peeking into the room, Haku could only see darkness once again; the action had destroyed a lightbulb otuside of the door, leaving the whole room in darkness. A quick glance at the ceiling told her that something had thrown the chair at the lightbulb, the chair destroying that part of the ceiling, followed by it crashing into the door. Stepping carefuly further, Haku saw a figure slouched over at a desk. The room itself was a study, with a few bookshelves here and there, a large desk- made from some rare wood- littered with documents, a phone, and a glass decanter of scotch. The figure resembled the statue; the man had black, short hair with a high hairline and a widow's peak. His eyes seemed calm and his mouth was slanted open, fluids pooling on the desk. The man had an empty whisky glass in his hand; with a quick whiff, Haku sensed poison. A smell of almonds... most certainly cyanide; she attempted to take in the scent further, but it was overtaken by a repugnant odour. Something else was in here, and it smelled like smouldering rubber.

The source of the scent was a black mass in the corner of the room. Moving towards it, Haku took grip of her sword, then halted; 'What if it was this thing that killed Clark? It hasn't lunged out at me, I should give it a chance.' Relaxing herself, she stood fully upright in front of the creature, and looked right at its face. She held out her hand in its direction, taking a small leap of faith. Half-expecting the thing to attack, all the tall creature did was slouch slowly, leaning towards her. Two long, black appendages moved out infront of it, giant knuckles landing on the floor. Its eyes were grey, seemingly blind, and it had a giant smile, with each tooth was a pale yellow finger, each one twitching emitting, soft clicking noises. Haku moved her hand forward a bit more, a brief hesitation half-way, and placed it on the thing's head. The skin felt cold, and rough.

It shook slightly under her touch, and then lethargically withdrew itself away from her; it seemed to be at ease now. Its legs gave way, its underside hitting the floor. Haku relaxed and started searching for clues about what kind of things Mr. Wilde was up to. She felt somewhat at ease herself, now knowing that this big humanoid thing didn't have it out for her. She still felt a bit cautious though, as she turned her back to it as she crossed the room to the desk Wilde was draped over.

*shuffle*

Haku quickly turned around, jumping at the sight of the thing now right in front of her. She sidestepped around him, moving to the exit, thoughts racing through her head, thinking that it was just pulling a fast one on her. But it didn't seem to have any hostile intent. It just followed her, moving slowly and quietly, with a sort of curiousness about its behaviour. She walked around the room, eyes kept on the beast, and all it did was follow her.
"Uh. Hey."
The thing only tilted its head, causing her to have a nervous chuckle. She walked back to the desk, careful of the creature which shuffled silently out of her way. She saw some documents on the desk, but it was too dark to clearly read anything, There was a candle near Clark's hand which she picked up and brought over. She turned her body slightly, letting down her backpack for easy access. Fumbling within it for a short while, she whipped out a lighter from her pack and snapped it open, the satisfying clank being followed by a small flame. As soon as the small flicker lit into life, the black thing stumbled to the corner of the room, seemingly frightened. Haku turned her head and watched before thinking 'Seems like this thing hates light; explains the chair thrown at the light-bulb.' She lit a candle, standing in front of it to darken the creature's area, now withdrawing the lighter into her pocket and placed the candle next to the pile of documents. She noticed a sheet, picking it up to examine it.
"I... I don't get it. All these areas in Woodstone, and he specifically chooses the one with the orphanage in it!" she picks up one of the sheets and brings it closer to her sight, her face grimacing as she does so, "Seems like Wilde was after the orphanage all along. This says he filed for the demolishing of the orphanage before he even told the residents anything! What... What the hell is this guy's deal?"

Slamming documents down to the desk in frustration, Haku blew out the candle and stormed through the door, though the creature didn't follow; looking back at it, she could see it was avoiding the hallway's light like the plague. Seeing this, she walked under every lit lightbulb in the hallway and proceeded to shatter them all using her sword, closing doors as she did so to block off any other sources of light. When all was done, the thing started to carefully peek out of the door, teeth chattering like mad, before moving its whole body out into the hallway. As it moved towards Haku, she noticed that its head was vibrating slightly. She felt like the beast was happy. 'If you're sticking with me in this place, I should give you a name. How about... Clicky! All the noise you make are clicks!" It tilted its head, not knowing anything she just said. "Well, I saw some journal-type books in a library back there. Come on, Clicky!" Haku said, walking towards the library.

The door slid open, the bottom of it running across a thick green shag carpet. Haku punched the light switch as she entered, shutting off the light. Like the study, this room also had a desk, but it was used to create documents of a more personal nature; it seems like Wilde had a habit of writing down his life.
Haku sat at the desk, throwing a brief glance at the doorway to see her new friend Clicky with his head poking through the doorway, the chattering of his teeth calming down as he decided to shuffle his way in to the room.
To the right of her was a short stack of nameless books, each one older than the one above it, the bottom one being a roughed-up paperback and the top one being a high-quality maroon hardback with golden-edged pages and a thin white fabric strip bookmark hanging out slightly, caught between pages somewhere in the middle of the book. Once more she took out her lighter and set it in front of her, blocking the light from Clicky with the book.

-with a marvellously cooked roast chicken and roasted potatoes. After I enjoyed my meal with the mayor, I started to discuss business with him. He mentioned how the town is rather calm, and how he would love to see some livelyhood within it, and that some money to help fix some older buildings and to keep the town looking good wouldn't go amiss.
We discussed areas, and luckily enough one of the possible areas was the one with that damned orphanage in it! Lord, I hate that place. He was against the idea, but I pushed forward with a bit of extra money. Hell, I would have paid a lot more but the man is as humble as the town itself. We shook hands on the condition that I would make an orphanage somewhere else within the district, though such a place won't be erected until the district is finished. The orphans would need to relocate to the town hall and take refuge on the floors until we're done, which oughta take a few months. I believe everything will go along smoothly.

"Damn that man, why does he have such a grudge against the orphanage? There must be something else..."

-I pitched the idea that Woodstone would be a good town for us to do next, and everyone seemed to like it. A small town would be open to such an improvement, they thought! Oh, I didn't care of the improvement. I just care about trying to get rid of that one place in the town that I've hated for so long. After the meeting I-

-that, and now because I'm CEO of S-B, maybe I can start leaning the company towards areas where I feel like improvement is needed, like the old town of Woodstone. The place itself is lovely, but there are a few parts of it that just leave a bad taste in my mouth. And the raise! Oh my god, all this money. I look back and I never thought I could earn this much, it's like a drug to me now! and even better, -

-worked hard enough, I might be able to get a promotion next month. General Manager's nothing to write home about, but if I get there then I damn well know I'm going up the chain. Next, I plan to-

The books seem to document Wilde's life, but they stopped. The earliest and lowest book in the pile started when Wilde began working at Street-Birchmont, which raised some questions. Facing Clicky, a creature that Haku knew wouldn't be able to respond with anything more than a tilt of the head, she started talking.
"All I've learned from these diaries, is that Wilde was awfully motivated to get to the top of the company, and that he has some sort of grudge for the orphanage! What could drive somebody to hate such a place? He must have the rest of these somewhere, there's no sign saying that this," lifting and shaking the scraggy book at Clicky, "was his first diary! Must be answers somewhere. I want to know what could drive a man to be like this. Doesn't seem like he was born from a family as pompous as he was, so it must have been something."
Swiftly getting off the chair, leaving it to perform a little spin, Haku paced towards the door.

She headed down the staircase, deciding to sit herself down on some steps in the middle. She looked at the statue to the left of her, then at the head of the tyrant in front of her foot. A large hand appeared and plucked it up, before the owner of the hand decided to try and place it back onto the statue's neck. Clicky managed to, but when he stood back to admire his work, the head was backwards. Haku stifled a giggle.
"You're much sillier than you look, Click. I can say that much."
He plonked himself on the step next to her, his size making her shuffle to the left a little, closer to the man whose nose was in the same direction as his arse. She stared at the stone man.
"The guy worked his way up from an apartment, and he got this statue. How could someone so regular end up so rich and full of himself?"
Sighing, she decided to walk around the lower floor of the mansion, the lights already off; strolling along, she found a door with a staircase behind it.
"A basement? Sounds like more of your deal, Clicky. Let's have a peek."
The place was dark, perfect for the lanky creature that creeped its way down the stairs. In order to fit it had to crouch itself over in a way that would break a regular person's back, but this thing just took it in stride. There were old paintings laid against the wall, half-covered in sheets; cardboard boxes littered the floor, some holding dusty trophies for sports like golf and bowling, others hold some books. None of them were what Haku was looking for.

Shifting items about, a safe was discovered. An old-looking black metal safe, all analogue, no electronic parts involved. It looked incredibly aged with scrape markes all over it, spots of russed dotted here and there. It had some sort of mechanism where it required a key to be inserted before you could move the dial. It looked like a tough safe, something that couldn't be cracked easily, so it must have some incredibly valuable items within. If she could turn the dial, Haku would have opened it in less than a minute, so there's no hope for that unless she can find a key. She observed the safe a bit more, attempting to move the dial a few more times, before backing off.
Haku sat down on an ornate-looking wooden chair, dust puffing out in all directions. She crossed her legs, the upper leg just bouncing up and down as she thought with her finger pressed against her chin;
"Where would the key be?"
She sat like this for a good few minutes, Clicky just slumped down in the corner of the room, observing her. Deciding that what she wanted was in that big metal box, he took it upon himself to attempt to open it. So he got up, back arched under the moderately low ceiling, and shuffled over to the small black vault.

With a bit of strength, the creature managed to pick up the safe, an action which managed to raise one of Haku's eyebrows. He then untucked the four pairs of arms, folded together to create a faux ribcage, and use them to take grip of the safe. He then spread out his two main arms to an astonishing armspan of roughly 17 feet, and stood there, waiting a few seconds, before bringing them in and slamming either side of the safe, the resulting loud noise causing Haku to jump in her seat. As the creature carefully brought the safe down to the ground, the metal box now somewhat mangled, he beckoned Haku over to see it.
The box had two large indents on either side of it, the door was wide open, lock torn apart. This managed to raise Haku's other eyebrow. After this mighty deed, Clicky decided to slump down back on to the floor again, where Haku proceeded to stroke his head and give him a little kiss on the cheek. The creature reacted to this in a way Haku could only describe as 'bashful'.
Crouching on to the floor, she managed to get a good look in the safe. There were some sentimental items; a broken slingshot, a few photos, and a very old looking leather-bound book.
"Yes! We got it! We ought to go back to the library with the other books, I think I left my lighter up there." She grabbed the book and started to dash, before realisng her friend here could only move so fast. "Hurry up, slowpoke!" she cheered down the staircase.

When Haku re-entered the room- Clicky sitting outside- she lit the lighter and sat herself down, placing the book on the desk. Opening it up at the beginning, she noticed that the handwriting was large and messy. A thought flickered through her head; 'I guess even monsters started off as children.'

dear diary, im writing in here today becus the carers say that it wud be good for me becus i have no frends. they gave me this bok and a pensil and told me to write down my thouts and felings and what hapens to me.

dear diary, today some meen boys beat me up like they always do. they call me poo-hed. i dont like the names they call me and i hate all of them. the carers do nothen becus they call the boys their "litle angels" becus they never misbehave in front of them. i try to tell them but they never ever beleve me.

dear diary, today i talked to lucy. she is always standing in the corner and she never talks to peopel. i wanted to go make frend with her becus the carers sed i shoud make frends. she just lafed tho, she just caled me a freke and told me to leav.
Sitting upright in her chair, Haku realised she was starting to feel sorry for Wilde. From what she's read so far, she can tell that he was living in an orphanage; could it have been the woodstone orphanage? If so, whatever happened to his parents? She read on.
dear diary, today i went out into the garden and i found a stik. it was in shape of a Y and i thout it lookt cool. i was abel to get a lasting band and i made it into a slinshot. i got pebles and stons and shotted them at big stons in the garden and i had lots of fun. then it was time for diner and i hid it under a tree and i went and had foud.

dear diary, today i was playin with my slinshot and was shottin at stons until one of the bulies came and laffed at me. i told them to leav but they did not so i shotted stons at them. they cried and a bigest buly cam and hurt me and stomped on slinshot and broke it. they beated me up alot and i cried alot and did not com bak inside until it was nite becus i did not want carers to se me like this.

dear diary, today i promis to mayk mysef beter than the bulies. i wil gro up and when i am big an powrful i wil hurt them like they hurt me. i wil make a hugest slinshot and shot at them and i will laf at them.

Haku started to understand Wilde's motives, but surely he wanted to just get back at the children, not the entire orphanage? Flicking through the pages, Haku found another interesting part in the book.
Dear diary; It's been a while since I dug you up. I'm 17 years of age now, and now the bullies from my younger days run this damn place. Nobody wanted to pick them up, so they're making sure nobody'll pick ME up. What a load of arse. But next year I'm gonna get out of this place. They think they can hold me back? Well, I'm gonna get far in my life. I'm going to SUCCEED. And when I do, I'm coming back. And I'm going to ruin them in the way they've ruined me.
"Jeez. Vengeful bastard." She sighed and dropped the book on the desk, slouching onto it. "Well," muffled Haku, "I can see his grudge, but I think he's taking his revenge a bit too seriously."
Just as she entered a brief moment of silence, a massive crash echoed throughout the house, the sound of derbis lingering for a while after it; Clicky's head snapped towards its direction, Haku perking up at the startling sound. "What was that?" she whispered, moving out of her chair. Clicky was already moving towards the source, near the front door of the mansion. Someone had crashed a car through the front door.

'Crap,' though Haku, taking cover. 'Could this be security?' Daring a peek, she noticed that Clicky was already next to the car, tearing the door off. He placed his arm inside, and took out a small child.
"Oi, Andy, the 'ell you doin'? Pumme down!" Clicky lumbered over to Haku, child in grip. "Oh. 'Ello, miss. Watchu doin' in 'ere?" "I was just, er, checking up on Mr. Wilde. But never mind that; what the hell do you think you're doing, driving? You're only 12, Davey!" "Well I'm real sorry miss, but I 'adda. Could ya get Andy 'ere to let go'a me? I forgot sommat in 'ere." "What- what were you doing in here?" "Nothin'."
Davey wriggled free of Handy's grasp and scuttled down the hallway. When he came back he had a whiskey glass in his hand, the same one that carried the poison. "Fingerprints, innit?" said the kid, running back towards the car.
"What- you poisoned him? Then-" she glanced at 'Andy' before asking him "what were you doing here then?" The creature just tilted its head and moved towards the car. "Well, Davey, you're going to be in a hell of a lot of trouble when we get back. Move over, you're not driving. You're only 12!"
Getting into the car, she realised that it was wedged in the wall. She was about to let out a groan before Clicky reared itself up in front of the car, grabbed onto the front, and thrust it through the wall. The last Haku saw of him was the creature slinking out of the newly-formed gash in the mansion, escaping to a nearby forest.
"So long, Clicky." "Wossat, miss?" "Never mind, Davey. We're going back to the Orphanage. And you're grounded."

Spring drew to a close, and the heat of summer had made it quite noticeable as the sun had begun to set upon the lush green hills. One by one, the stars blinked awake in the night sky and the town below lit candles to brighten their homes. However, there was one house that did not light candles nor draw their currents, a large mansion that presided beyond the grassy hills of the town.

The mansion was unlike the brightly painted houses of the town. Where white picket fences would have stood, cold iron bars surrounded it, where other doors had a small, circular brass knobs, a large golden ring adorned the mansion’s knocker and silver-plated handle. It was such a grand estate that even the garden looked as if it had uprooted from eden and placed there, but beyond the grandeur of the estate, one cannot help but notice the lack of liveliness from it.

So long had the mansion been silent that stories and tales arose from what took place at the mansion upon the hill. Some were of a husband who had accidentally killed his wife and tried to hide the body in the garden, but ended up becoming paranoid and murdering everyone else in the household. Others were of the head maid who murdered her own mistress out of her own maddening jealousy. Whichever story had held the truth, none of the townsfolk dared to go near to the mansion and investigate its interior. For all they knew or cared, there could be a couple making out in there every fortnight. It was after all, none of their business, so long as no misfortune befell them.

When Haku awoke to the warm evening air that drifted past the currents by the window, the smell of roses tickled her nose. Drowsily she roused to consciousness bleakly staring at the room around her with a frown. This room wasn’t the apartment she was staying in the night before. Getting up, Haku rubbed her eyes and glanced out the window of the room trying to remember how she had ended up in such a place, but her head was in a fog.

“Excuse me, may I help you?” Chimed a voice from behind her as she whirled around. It was an old maid with a lit candle who looked as startled as her guest did from the sudden turn.

Haku placed a hand over her chest and smiled, “I-I’m sorry I think must be in the wrong place.”

A confused look crossed the maid’s face as she shook her head, ”No my dear, this is your living quarters as per instruction of Master Chiffon.”

“Master Chiffon? I’m sorry but I don’t know who that is.” Haku replied as she moved a hand to her side. A lack of a sword by her side became apparent as she gasped empty air and looked to her side.

The maid eyed Haku quizzically, “Do you feel ill madame?” Her eyes glanced at the window and a frown deepened the lines on her forehead as she strode over to close it. “Damn that no good bulter. I told him to close this window!”

Haku nearly jumped as the Maid turned on her heel back towards her. “I-I’m alright, but I think I should leave.”

A huff escaped the maid’s lips as the wrinkles piled more on top of each other. “Well you might as well spend the night if you plan to leave. Your stuff is by the dresser over there.” She pointed a crooked finger the the black dresser next to the bed. “Don’t try to leave the mansion before the sun rises, it’s dangerous to wander these roads at night.”

“Thank you,” Haku replied as the maid motioned for her to follow. It felt odd being lectured by someone younger than her by a couple of centuries, but she complied.

“Down there to the right is where the restrooms are, the dining area is downstairs if you wish to stay for a meal, and if you need anything you only need to call the hall boy.” The maid replied as she began to shuffle away.

As the candlelight faded with the sounds of the maid’s steps, Haku turned back towards her room. Although she couldn’t remember how she had gotten there, she was grateful for a roof over her head for the night, but there was something off about mansion. The walls were as dark as charcoal and, although there was moonlight leaking through the windows, the darkness seemed to shiver and grow.

Quickly closing the door behind her, Haku located her sword and unsheathed it. The blade had been left just as she had left it. Good, she could now sleep soundly and leave by the morning. Haku laid down and pulled the covers over her head as she listened to the sounds of her breathing.

In and out. In and out. In...crack!

Haku’s eyes snapped open and what she saw could only be described as the worst of horrors. A figure whose eyes were glossed over resembling a foggy glass and whose mouth opened wide to reveal a set of fingers that popped and snapped incessantly.

Upon instinct, Haku cast a burst of wind just as the abomination reached for her face with its abnormally long arms. The beast launched into the ceiling and crashed into the ground with a nasty crunch just as she scrambled away to a corner of the room with her sword drawn, half expecting the monster to follow her, but it instead scurried away like a dog with it’s tail between its legs.

It took more than a moment before Haku could regain her senses and slowly move towards the window. There was no way she could stay inside this mansion with this...this...thing! Her hand pressed against the glass of the window, desperately trying to push the window open but it would not budge. Again she tried but with two hands, but it was to no avail. She turned to the window feeling the beat of her heart increase the longer she looked away from the door, but what scared her more was the latch that seal the window shut. It had merely been a painting as if someone had removed it all together and built a wall in its place…but that was impossible.

A dull thud of footsteps echoed up the stairs. “No, don’t come the stairs!” Haku cried out just as the footsteps reached the top of the stairs. A loud shriek pierced her ears as the footsteps swiftly turned into a fast paced dash towards Haku’s room.

The maid stood aghast at the sight of the room with her eyes opened wide with shock. Haku quickly ushered her inside the room, keeping an eye on the door as she kept her sword drawn. “It’s not safe! You have to be quiet. There’s a monster outside that’s trying to-”

Haku barely had enough time push out those last of words before a firm blunt force slapped her in the face and knocked her to the ground. “Safe? Monster? You wretched slut! Look at what you’ve done to the master!” She cried as she bent over a dusty broken pot that had fallen during the skirmish with the beast. No voice escaped her lips except her quiet whimpers as she anxiously swept the ashes with her hands, kissing it and putting it into her blouse. “I’m sorry master, I’ll pick you up right away and fix you as good as new. I’ll find you a new body I swear a new body!”

Frightened by the maid’s sudden mental breakdown, Haku tried to slip past the maid to the door but she was not so lucky. In a flash, the maid’s glance shifted towards her and as she grabbed her by the hair and yanked her to the ground. “This is all your fault. I’m going to make sure you pay for harming the master!” As the maid touched the skin of Haku’s face, a sudden shriek escaped Haku’s lips as she tried to pull away. The maid’s hand had burnt part of her face.

Painfully, Haku pulled away from the maid losing a few hairs in the process. Haku cried as she touched her cheeks allowing her powers to diminish the burns and loss of hair.

The maid eyes grew cold at the sight of this and her shoulder slightly lowered in response. “Y-you’re a magic user too?”

Haku remained quiet with eyes focused on the maid. That woman was no ordinary person. Her movement were too swift and her strength was incredible for her size and stature. Lastly, her hand emitted a deadly temperature that one could not normally get away from without a couple of burns.

The maid’s eyes hardened at the lack of response. “Well whatever you are, I can’t exactly let you leave after what you’ve seen.” Flames wrapped around the maids hands and the entire room itself as the maid stepped forward.

The smoke in the air quickly began to fill the room and before Haku could blow away the smoke, a large hand reached out and grabbed the maid by the waist pulling her out into the hall. She did not understand what had happened, but Haku quickly dashed out of the hall and down the stairs. There’d only be one place where she would be safe, the cellar. The mansion was going to burn to the ground one way or another, but at least through the cellar she could escape. Haku dashed to the cobblestone hole and swung the door behind her as she was shut off again into a world of darkness, praying that the light would come and save her.

Aquila
08-04-2014, 06:52 PM
I have funny thoughts so my CnC is a little funny.

Story 1: I enjoy the humor in the story, it was cute and yet the story still held a nice firm plot.

Story 2: Serious, quite detailed, and slightly demented lol. I don't understand the ending so much but the craziness of the maid sure showed through.

Though i have to admit story 2 was better, I enjoyed the humor of story 1 so i chose it lol.

Boomerang
08-05-2014, 06:34 PM
I liked both stories, good job guys.

Story 1: The use of stronger, and bigger words was the first thing that caught my eye in this piece. While some people say that takes away from the story, I personally like it when authors use bigger words such as that. It almost adds a flavor to the writing itself. The story was a bit longer than Story 2, but in a good way. The use of the diaries to bring the story together was great as well. What I liked the most was the fact that your story made me actually feel sympathy for a powerful and greedy man such as him. My only issues were the end, for I couldn't really understand who was talking and what was going on. I also feel like the end was just...odd in general, to be honest. Overall, a wonderful story that made me laugh numerous times!

Story 2: This one was interesting, indefinitely. The use of the mansion as some mystical place, and the description in the first few paragraphs was what caused me to be immersed into the story. The use of the maid and the "master" at the end was great, as well as demented, a polar opposite of the more comedic/sad story 1. Other than the occasional mechanics mistakes, I feel as though, like Story 1, the ending was odd and clunky, as if there should be MORE to it. This was another splendid story as well, however.

Overall, I have to go with Story 1, because I believe there was more depth and story put into it. Great work form both of you guys, though.

Tsang
08-06-2014, 09:27 PM
Brilliant stories, both of you! Both of them were pretty interesting to read through. My thoughts on each of them are below:

A quick glance at the ceiling told her that something had thrown the chair at the lightbulb...

The chair should have been introduced, it feels like it's just abruptly stated all of a sudden. It's as if it suddenly appears to make the plot more convenient. The safe you mentioned further along the story did the same thing.

Also, some of the punctuation, such as the semicolons seem incorrectly used. I think one of these examples are this below:

Then, out of nowhere, the lights turned on; whiteness flooded the whole house, the sudden jump from pitch black to scalding bright nearly blinding her.

Semicolons are usually only used to link closely related ideas. It'd be better if you replaced the semicolon with a period.

There were a few spelling mistakes as well, such as:

russed (were you referring to rusty?)
derbis (probably referring to debris)
staircasecase (staircase)

Try proofreading your work a little more closely. Mistakes like these could easily be avoided.

All in all, however, a nicely written story! It's also pretty interesting. I really liked it!


The story seems fine. It carries a pretty serious tone, and I enjoy serious tones. The story just ends pretty abruptly, and I just don't really understand it.

Great story though!
I should hang out in this section more often, because I don't.

RichardLongflop
08-07-2014, 03:32 AM
Cheers, Tsang. The chair was introduced but I must have cut it out when I was trying to fit the story to the word limit. (I went over and had to snip stuff.) The safe is something I don't really have an excuse for.

Debris is just one of those words I always get confused, and the other two were just simple mistakes. I would have proof-read it more but, deadlines. 'Twas only after I submitted it that I realised I had a few hours left.

Anyway, thanks to the three of you for giving me my first CC's. I heart you all~