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View Full Version : wRHG Battle: ErrorBlender VS Cavaliere



ErrorBlender
11-08-2014, 12:41 PM
Hey guys. CnC would be gladly appreciated and voting would be just as fine.

Please do leave a comment below. Seriously haha. May the best writer win!

ErrorBlender:
wRHG Battle: Monsters (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1XWoSKFzg_xt_MaSEFflijfsPDL4c3qAmMH2kgNfJvC4/edit)

Cavaliere:
Mancer Versus BlAnC (http://mistermiener.deviantart.com/art/RHG-Mancer-versus-BlAnC-491319290)

Cavaliere
11-08-2014, 06:03 PM
Thanks for getting this together, old buddy. After reading your story as well, I would absolutely not be ashamed to lose to you a second time.

On an interesting note, looks like we both used the fact that our characters are both pragmatic, careful fighters. Good observation on both our parts, eh? Looks like this time you got the Halloween thematic bonus that helped me win my first RHG fight; I didn't even think of that while writing mine. I can't wait for the analysis of our stories to begin.

Chamel
11-08-2014, 08:22 PM
Dang you two, that was impressive!
Now I don't particularly have the skills to go into great detail with CnC, but I'll try and give a quick overview of some things that stood out to me; both good and "bad".

I've listed some of the highlights I enjoyed from your piece:

-First order of business, I like the length of the story. Eight pages is pretty impressive. I realize that it's usually quality over quantity, but I still have to share my admiration.
-I really like the choreography you constructed for the fight. Most of it was well thought out, and a good deal of it was well executed.
-That ending was something else. "Ironic is it not, that our battle is on Hallow’s Eve? Where humans frolic around masquerading as monsters? Whereas we, masquerade as humans?" Like, damn. That was deep. Kudos to you.
-Some of your descriptions were really well thought out, and were worded perfectly. For instance, in one of the first paragraphs you described the naked branches of a tree clawing at the sky to reach the stars. I loved it, absolutely loved. There was a handful of little nuggets like that one throughout your story, and I just have to say they were great.
-Your portrayal of Mancer was spot on, and impressively close to the way Cav portrayed his own character; cold and calculating. ANd of course, Bl.An.C was true to form, hah.

---

Now, some things that I picked up on while reading this:

-There were quite a few instances where some revision was necessary. Either you missed a word, worded something strange/incorrectly, or used the wrong tense. I found this happened quite often. I think a bit more of a thorough revising session could have done you well, but seeing as your piece is eight pages long, it's borderline understandable.
-As previously stated, I really enjoyed the choreography of your fight. But the thing is, it's practically all one big fight. Some of the fighting seemed almost repetitive, and was nearing being less exciting at some points. Along with that, there wasn't much social interaction between the fighters. It might be more of an opinionated view, but I think a little more small talk would have been adequate. It just seemed too "quiet" in a way, if that makes any sense.

---

That about covers everything that I could find "wrong" with your story, EB. Overall it was a great read, good job man!

Some particular highlights:

-I loved your word use. It was so colorful, and so varied. I, admittedly, found the need to look a few up, but I found it to be fun.
-Some of the phrases you put in there were great. I especially loved the one with snow covering the ugliness of the world; simply brilliant.
-Same with you Cav, I enjoyed the choreography and work you put into executing it. Nicely done.
-Your story flow was put together great as well. It didn't shift abruptly, but it also didn't take forever to reach a certain point. It was really an interesting read.

---

Now for a few thoughts on improvement:

-Honestly, I couldn't find much wrong with your piece. One of the most glaring things (if you can even call it glaring, really) that stood out to me, was the word flow. It seemed to be interrupted by carefully worded descriptions that were filled with commas. Comma use was just too often in some cases, and really drew away from the scene itself.

---

Overall, I was really impressed with your piece. And did I mention your word choice? Fantastic. Well done, Cav.

In the end, my vote goes to Cavaliere for this one. Both of you did fantastic, and I'm eager to see much more from both!

ErrorBlender
11-08-2014, 11:44 PM
As of now, I know the missing votes are these:

Chamel voted for Cav and another [I suspect to be Ken_Rou, PMed him], voted for me.

Yeah.

acutelatios
11-08-2014, 11:48 PM
I voted for you, Error.

Aquila
11-09-2014, 12:47 AM
Oh man, both were wonderful stories, it's impressive to see two veterans at work, creating a battle to be shown to everyone else. Both were a mixture of descriptions and actions. However Cavaliere had something that Errorblender lacked, he had a story. To Mancer this wasn't a just a battle, rather an event. He has the thoughts of Mancer before the fight, why he was fighting, of what purpose it was to him. Mancer lived in his fight, he thought and reminisced in the fight, rather than just simply observe his opponent's tactics and change his style. Not saying he did not however, the fact that they were thinking fighters, observing and calculating, was evident in both your works. I can't see much wrong with your works, I'll put in some stuff in spoilers, this is just a general thing that applies to you both I feel.

It was a beautiful work of tactics and smarts. Who would outsmart the other, who would find their opportunity first? I couldn't find much wrong except there was that thing about missiles, three missiles laid next to Mancer, dipped in his blood... okay why?

First question, how hot is that flamethrower? I mean to debond plasma the heat must be amazingly intense. Your word choice was impressive, I had to look up a few words lol. I feel like something you could've done would be to bold the words like Errorblender when Bl.An.C begins talking. Like I said previously, I like how Mancer and it wouldn't just be calculations, rather what he was going through.

My vote goes to Cavaliere, bravo gents, this level is something I'm aiming for hahaha.

ErrorBlender
11-09-2014, 01:59 AM
With Cham's vote, we are tied Cavaliere. :D

Cavaliere
11-09-2014, 08:43 AM
Yep. Though Chamel actually voting in the poll would help eliminate any confusion. Thank you both for your analyses; bolding the speech might be a pretty good idea. As for the flamethrower: it's magic. Huehuehue.

Cavaliere
11-11-2014, 03:37 PM
A tie remains. Shall we end voting Friday?

ErrorBlender
11-12-2014, 10:50 AM
Ends on the Sunday actually.

Cavaliere
11-12-2014, 03:08 PM
Oh, whoops. I mentally dismissed that as the date the poll was created.

Malacal
11-16-2014, 06:31 PM
As of now, I know the missing votes are these:

Chamel voted for Cav and another [I suspect to be Ken_Rou, PMed him], voted for me.

Yeah.

Actually, I voted for you. Not that it really matters.

ErrorBlender
11-16-2014, 11:12 PM
It would have broken the tie though, Malacal.

Cavaliere
11-17-2014, 08:57 PM
Well, I can't decide if I'm happy or sad about this. All that can be done now is for me to hope for better luck in the future. Should I tell Acutelatios to change my recorded tie to a loss?

ErrorBlender
11-17-2014, 09:03 PM
Its up to you. I will change my scoring only if you do since it was an error on my part why Malacal's vote didn't get in.

Cavaliere
11-18-2014, 06:54 PM
We'll be sure to get it right next time. Until then, let us revel in the glorious tie.

Malacal
11-18-2014, 09:43 PM
Oh... um... whoops.