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View Full Version : Aiba(Ken_Rou) vs Yun(SubWoofer)



Ken_Rou
11-13-2014, 05:50 AM
It's been far over the deadline that we were on, and I got the permission to declare a forfeit on SubWoofer. If you still want to read and criticize(*cough*cough*lobotomizer*cough**cough*), here is my story. I will say though, it's good to be back in business.



I felt like that I have been asleep for a long time... It seems that many months, even years have passed since I have done anything in this ever-changing world that I live in. But, I wasn't in a coma... I felt like I was more on the line of simply "not existing" in the society I was a part of. What's going on? What's happening to me? The terror that lies behind the questions I had was enough to send a chill to my spine.

I exited my room, and looked around to see if anyone else was still here. Everything looked the same, with Vamprina and Zoe watching TV, and Charlie in the kitchen sipping coffee. I was relieved, but at the same time, something felt off. The lack of change that I have witnessed was.... abnormal.

I rushed down the large staircase loudly enough that Zackeroar could hear me from the basement, and looked at the two watching TV. Both of them looked surprised and startled at the same time.

"Uh... Morning, Aiba.... Why are you sweating?" Vamprina asked softly.

I didn't answer the question, but instead threw a question back at her.

"How long have I been out?"

"Oh, um... Why?"

The question sparked my anger. I wasn't in the mood to be questioned by someone else. I was feeling slightly frustrated as it was.

"ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!!!" I demanded.

After I have yelled, I have realized that I have gotten the attention of everyone in sight. Even Charlie, who was in the kitchen a dozen feet away, looked at me in astonishment.

"Whoa brother... Chill" Charlie said, putting his mug on the counter and doing a handsign to back up.

I looked at Charlie briefly, and returned my attention back to Vamprina.

"...I'm sorry for yelling. It's just that... Something doesn't feel right. How long was I out?"

Vamprina looked at Zoe, and turned back to see me.

"I dunno.... Like, 12, 13 hours?"

The answer surprised me greatly. It seemed impossible. I felt like I've missed a good chunk of my life in slumber... And only half a day has passed?

"...Only 12 hours?" I asked quietly.

"Only? That's like, double the sleep you usually get"

I held my head in confusion as I walked to the kitchen. Charlie put his hand on my shoulder as I walked in.

"You alright?" He said, with a concerned tone.

"Yeah, sorry... It's just, something seems completely off... Could you get me some coffee?"

"Sure thing"

After Charlie gave me a mug, I sat down at a table, slowly sipping on the freshly made coffee.

(If I was indeed only asleep for half a day, then what is this awkward feeling that I have right now? I'm not doubting my friends, but it seemed impossible to me. So much was happening in such little time... And worst yet, I can barely remember anything)

I felt like I was thrown out of the time cycle, separated from my companions... Walking alone in a desert without an oasis to be found... What was happening?

Sudedenly, the doorbell rang.

"I got it" Charlie said, walking to the front door.

There was silence for a few seconds, other than the conversation that Charlie was having, which I couldn't understand clearly.

Charlie popped out and looked at me.

"This guy wants to talk to you"

"To me? At this kind of time?"

I walked forward to go to the front door and looked out, but no one was there.

"...Who wants to talk to me?"

"That guy right th.... What the..." Charlie said as he turned around and looked surprised to see that no one was there.

I walked out of the house to look around the house to see if the person was hiding. Nothing but the tree that Vamprina brought from a place that I can't remember. Look, I like her and all, but I've said this to other people and I'll say it again: Who the fuck brings a TREE home as a souvenier!?

At least that distraction cooled the anxiety I had about waking up today. I was feeling a lot better as I turned around.

"...Kannagi..." A quiet, monotone voice audiated out of nowhere.

I sharply turned around to confront the voice, but no one was there.

"That wasn't my imagination, right?" I asked Charlie, who was watching from inside, as I turned my head around.

"It wasn't... Man, I knew tnat guy looked ominous!"

Suddenly, I heard a "swish" noise besides me. I tunr in that direction, and still no one was found.

"So he's THAT kind of fighter huh?" I said to myself. I've dealt with this kind of style. You have to just wait for the opponent to attack first...

Sure enough, the shadow jumped in behind me.

"You're head's mine Kannagi!" The figure yelled.

I fealt it coming, and did the splits to avoid the attack. The figure went over me, landing in one of the bushes.

"Aw come on! I worked on these for like, 4 hours!!" Charlie yelled in the back with a frustrated tone. I... honestly don't blame him. He's really dedicated to those bushes.

The figure stood up, and faced me as he stepped out of the bush he landed on, leaving an infuriated Charlie behind.

"...I have come for your life, terrorist"

"EX-terrorist, jackass"

"For the countless sins you possess... You will not escape my wrath!!"

The figure, resembling a ninja based on his attire, pulled out a katana. I'm going to tell you, that black finishing on the blade was bad ass. Stupid ninjas get all the cool shit...

"Ohhhhohoho, you want a fancy katana fight? Then it's a katana fight you get!"

I summoned my trusty katana, and unsheathed it. Man, it always feels good to hold this thing... I feel like I have all the power in the world.

I readied my katana, carefully looking at the ninja in front of me.

"You got a name buddy?"

"I have no name to tell you, terrorist"

"For the love of god... I'm not with them anymore"

"It does not matter whether you are no longer with themor not. It is what you have done while you were a part of them... You have commited enough crimes to have me summoned"

The ninja dashed forward, and went for a vertical swing. I felt the impact of the katana as the steel collided, making a sharp metallic noise.

Keeping both of the swords together, we tried to push each other back, with no success on either side.

"Fun fact, did you know that real ninjas don't wear garments in the middle of the day?" I taunted him, pushing the ninja back slightly.

"You mock me while in battle, terrorist?" The ninja said.

I pushed my katana sideways, unlocking the two colliding swords.

"No remorse, and no honor... You disguist me. Filth like you should be eradicated from the earth" The ninja said, shaking his head sideways.

"And you disguist me for being a judgemental asshole... and not telling me your name"

"Fine. The name is Yun. I guess it is appropriate enough for you to know the name of your killer"

"Well Yun, you're one of the 40-something people who've told me that I will be killed by them. And I'm standing here right now"

"I see. Then let me be the one to put a period in your winning streak for your life"

Yun swiftly threw a kunai at me, which I was able to dodge by a hair. The ninja quickly went for a hook kick, hitting me square in the face. I was on the ground, screaming in pain and rolling around.

"You're not as strong as I suspected you are. This should be over quickly"
Yun quietly said.

I got up, holding my face. It was a textbook kick, I'll have to admit.

But, I always have the old trick up my sleeve.

"You're right... This WILL be over quickly"

With that, I threw my sheath in the air, and slashed it with my katana. Eventually, the sheath dissolved into mist and stuck itself to the blade of the sword. As I felt the energy from the blade, the swelling on my cheek disappeared. The sword glowed blue as I regained my stance.

"I don't intend to make this any longer than I need to"

Yun was now showing a hint of fear in his eyes. He doesn't know what I am truly capable of... Neither am I.

Yun ran at me, with his sword raised high. I respond by quickly going for a stab, which Yun barely dodged, and Yun went for a swing from his elevated position in a downward motion. I blocked the attack by using the dull side of the blade in my hand, making another spark fly.

I kicked the ninja in the knee, and stepped back while he holding his said knee in pain.

"Why you..."

Yun, now angry at the fact he was unable to do damage on me, shuffled backwards to gain space between the two of us. I did not miss the chance, and rushed forward, going for a diagonal slash. He was able to block it, but I immediately went for a low kick to the side of his knee, which was cleanly executed. As the ninja stumbled, I went for another slash, which cut through his garment, leaving a thin, red line on his stomach.

Holding his wound, Yun slowly got up, with his sword still his hand.

"I WILL NOT LOSE! I WILL NEVER LOSE!" He shouted.

This guy lost his temper fast... Maybe he not as ninja as I thought he was.

"I'll let you know on a friendly note. I'll beat you with my next move" I told Yun, with a smirk on my face.

"That is impossible. You may outmatch me in offense, but there is nothing that I cannot..."

Before he could finish his statement, I went for another stab, this time aiming for his stomach. He quickly blocked the attack with his sword again.

The next thing that occured surprised the both of us.

As soon as both katanas collided once more, the blades on both swords shattered into pieces.

I couldn't understand what was going on at first, but as soon as I saw the hilt with a missing blade, something else shattered, this time inside me.

"How did you..." Yun, looking at his shattered blade on the ground, said with a confused tone.

I didn't answer, instead, I teleported behind him, and grabbed both of his wrists, pulling both of them backwards. As I was doing so, I forcefully put my foot on Yun back, and put force into it. As the ninja was put to the ground, a loud scream emitted from his mouth, being unable to bare with the pain that ensued. He shook from left to right, trying to make me let go of the hold.

"Let go of me! Let go of..."

A loud crackling noise rang throughout the space that we were in. Yun had stopped moving as I slammed his now crippled and dislocated arms to the ground, only responding with a grunt of pain.

I turned around, and slowly walked back to the house. A stunned Charlie was stull at the doorstep.

"Wow, you really handed it to that guy... A bit too much though, don't you think?" Charlie said.

"He deserved what was coming to him... But how did he do this..."

I looked at what used to be my beloved sword, now only reduced to a hilt. I thought about when my master first gave the sword to me, saying that it was the finest sword created by him. For the first time in my life, I felt a sense of doubt towards my master.

"I, I don't what to do..." I said heavily.

Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain on my lower back. I touched the spot, and felt a sharp object. A dagger.

I looked at the hand that I used to touch the spot. The hand was stained in blood. I slowly turned around and saw Yun on his feet, with his left arm dangling, but his right arm up. A green colored liquid was dripping out his mouth.

"Bastard..." I said as I got on my knees, and pulled out the dagger. I screamed in pain as the sharp object was taken out of me.

"You had a backup plan with you... didn't you?"

"It is not... over... yet... terrorist!"

With that, Yun quickly dropkicked me in the face, making me fly a few feet backwards. As I felt the blood dripping down my side, I slowly got up.

Yun wasted little time, and hit me with an arrey of punches to the torso. I spat out blood as I fell to the ground again.

Yun got himself on top of me, holding shard of his blade in his hand, aiming for my neck.
"Your life is mine!" He shouted as he swung the shard downward.

He didn't expect what happened next though.

With the shard millimeters from my neck, Yun fell sideways, letting go of the shard from his bloody hands as he landed. A fair amount of blood spilled from his stomach, with his own dagger penetrating him.

"I just wanted to give that back to you... no hard feelings, right?"

I have stabbed the ninja in the stomach with his dagger that he used to wound me. He did not see it coming, since he did not look downwards before the swing.

"The stab shouldn't be fatal... if you can get medical treatment before you bleed out. Terrorists don't give you a chance to live, do they?"

I lifted myself up, holding my stab wound in pain. I slowly walked back to the entrance, where Charlie was still standing.

"Get him to a hospital" I bluntly told Charlie as I passed him.

"What the fuck about you!? Did you even get a glimpse of your injuries!?" Charlie boasted out loud, apparently looking at my stab wound.

I turned around to face him, and quietly said
"It's just a flesh wound..."
Before I collapsed on the ground.

As my consciousness faded, I heard a lot of footsteps and screaming... I, I won't die, will I? I won't, I won't, I'm sure I'll live another day... Please, let me live another day...




...ken.... aken.... waken... Awaken, my dear student

Capn Squidy
11-20-2014, 12:05 AM
This was a pretty good read, first wRHG battle post I read.

Question.
How many pages in Microsoft Word did it take to write all that? How big was the font and how big was the line spacing? I currently doing a match with someone and I want to know how much I should put into my story.

Cavaliere
11-20-2014, 02:36 PM
If I may, I have a bit of critique to offer.

The first issue I see interspersed in the story is fairly standard and an easy fix with some editing. A few times, the tenses change from past to present and back again, and it can be hard to tell exactly what you mean. There are also a few mispelled words here and there, but nothing serious.
After that, things become more subjective. The story you laid out, while entertaining, is somewhat barebones. Aside from dialogue and one-sentence descriptions, there isn't much meat in it to flesh out the settings, characters, or actions. This can be characteristic of first-person stories, though, so I guess the amount of detail depends on what you want to focus.
The assassin sent after Aiba, because he used to be a terrorist it seems, is not your everyday killer. He seems consumed by unrelenting anger and hatred, but is disgusted by your RHG's lack of honor. Yun's not afraid to boast, and when asked his name a second time, relented and told it. Doesn't seem very professional, but if you did it to highlight this guy's hypocrisy or subjugation to his emotions, then that's cool I supposed. I gleaned 'brutal but respectful warrior' from Yun's profile.
The reference at the end was nice, but what came before it puzzled me just a little. You dislocated Yun's arms, but he went silent as if you had broken his neck. A few moment later, he's on his feet, one of his arms healed enough for him to stab Aiba in the back (an unsportsmanlike move if you ask me) and what I guess is a Last Hope potion trickling from his mouth (I assume by this point he lost his mask in the fight). From what I gathered, 'Last Hope' can't do that. Even after such a cowardly act, Aiba decides to spare Yun's life.


Don't let all this get you down, though. The story was awesome, with only a few details making it slightly confusing. Keep up the good work; I may even challenge you in the future!

Ken_Rou
11-20-2014, 08:45 PM
This was a pretty good read, first wRHG battle post I read.

Question.
How many pages in Microsoft Word did it take to write all that? How big was the font and how big was the line spacing? I currently doing a match with someone and I want to know how much I should put into my story.

I usually do all my work on my iPad or iPhone. It was around 2000 words, so I'm guessing about 4 pages with doublespace? I hope that helps.