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View Full Version : wRHG Battle: Mancer vs Kodi Melton (Cavaliere vs Caelo)



Cavaliere
11-27-2014, 12:50 PM
I was so excited for this battle, but unfortunately in the end my opponent found himself unable to finish the fight and forfeited. While that practically makes posting this a moot point, please do take the time to read my entry and offer CnC. It would mean a lot to me. Enjoy!

-=-Hunted-=- (http://mistermiener.deviantart.com/art/RHG-Mancer-versus-Kodi-Melton-496415499)

Capn Squidy
11-29-2014, 11:13 PM
I think this was a pretty good read. I couldn't find any punctuation or spelling error that I know of, and the whole thing wraps up nicely together. I'm not saying that this is an absolutely perfect paper because there will always be things to work on, but I can't find anything bad that stands out. It's probably just me being tired and not as perceptive as I normally am, but yeah, like I said, it's a good read.

So I guess this counts more as praise than CnC

Cavaliere
11-30-2014, 10:06 PM
I think this was a pretty good read. I couldn't find any punctuation or spelling error that I know of, and the whole thing wraps up nicely together. I'm not saying that this is an absolutely perfect paper because there will always be things to work on, but I can't find anything bad that stands out. It's probably just me being tired and not as perceptive as I normally am, but yeah, like I said, it's a good read.

So I guess this counts more as praise than CnC

Thank you for taking the time to provide this. I appreciate it.

Crank
12-01-2014, 06:52 PM
Straight up. I really like your stories. I think you do a great job portraying emotions and painting a clear picture of the events and your vast vocabulary makes me feel intelligent reading it.

I do have a couple very small things though, first one being the way Kodi was introduced. Not with the arrow hitting Mancer, but more like her first appearance.

A cry of pain, uncomfortably similar to a roar, issued from his cracked lips. From his shoulder protruded an arrow, a foot and a half long and tipped with a triple-edged broadhead point. Nintety meters away, Kodi's scratch-heavy face developed a frown. Her mental calculations had been perfect, and even then, conditions couldn't have been better. Her quarry was large, not moving, in the open, and unshielded by even the faintest wind; her arrow should have pierced its skull, not lodged in his shoulder.

I don't know, it just feels like an abrupt change. Like, the first bit was pure Mancer and then the rest is straight Kodi. Just feels like something small is missing, like if they were in the same shot maybe.

From his shoulder protruded an arrow, a foot and a half long and tipped with a triple-edged broadhead point. He grit his teeth as his open palm seized the wood with a vice like grip, but nintety meters away, Kodi's scratch-heavy face developed a frown. Her mental calculations had been perfect, and even then, conditions couldn't have been better.

That's not quite it either, but do you kinda see what I'm saying? This one might very well be personal bias though.

The other thing was the death of Kodi's sympathy for Mancer, it just felt sudden again, as well as a bit unjustified. While I do understand the blow was more than either had expected, I feel like sudden shifts of emotions or motivations would benefit from showcasing that character's mind a little, if only to clear things up for the reader.

And again, it looked really great! Pleasure to read!

Cavaliere
12-01-2014, 08:25 PM
Thanks a lot! I'll keep in mind the abruptness of shifts next time. The second one was more intentional, and while a bit jarring, I felt it was appropriate largely because of a connection I made to my own experience. For instance, when I meet a friend's cat, I'll often pet it, but cats have this way of scratching you for little to no apparent reason. It astonished me just how quickly my pleasure turned to hatred when a creature I was giving my affection to turned on me. I sorta went for the same thing here.

Once again, I appreciate the feedback. You're on my list of potential challenge-ees, by the way.