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View Full Version : wRHG Battle: Mancer vs. Omega



Malacal
12-26-2014, 11:19 AM
Oh me oh my. Me and this guy are just bloodthirsty ain't we? We've been taking and giving out challenges left and right recently.
And now, we challenged each other.

Mancer vs. Omega (Cavaliere Edition) (http://mistermiener.deviantart.com/art/RHG-Mancer-versus-Omega-502215676)

The largest organism on Earth, a giant forest, all interconnected as one being acting in accord with each other like the perfect society. Their very roots connected, their very minds as one. Through their alliance, they have grown strong and tall. The ideal hive-mind, it is the perfect organism.
“Earth, it leaves much to be desired often times. This though, this is one hell of a playground,” Omega admired the view. He rarely had such freedom being a king, and his world was not one of beauty. In fact, it was mostly lifeless.
“Maybe I should keep this one alive and keep it in my castle.” Omega began daydreaming before then hearing the crisp crackling of freshly fallen leaves.
“It’s that time of year where Christmas is here…” Mancer would not normally walk through the forest in the middle of fall singing Christmas carols, but so many people were singing them that Mancer simply could not get them out of his head. That is, he sang until something started ruffling the leaves of the trees above him. Normally he would think it was a squirrel but squirrels don’t get that big nor are they pitch black.
“Who’s there?” Mancer felt for his wand, the Nova. He slowly drew it from his hiding place while looking around. When he turned around he found an exceptionally tall metallic creature.
“Jesus Christ!” Mancer quickly sputtered out an incantation and three arcane bolts rapidly came forth to strike Omega, “Heartseekers!” Once they came into contact, they merely scratched Omega’s metal skin.
“You’re not very good at this are you?” Omega almost looked confused as to how weak the spell was, “Regardless, I do not intend on killing you. That is, if you accept my offer.”
Mancer was still tensed up from the surprise entry. He was staring into the red, glowing eyes of a monster. It just then processed through his mind that his spell had little more effect than scratching the thing’s skin. Then slowly, the creature’s sentences were pieced together in his mind and he gripped reality once again. Upon his conscience’s return to Earth, he responded to Omega’s question, “Who are you and what is this offer?”
Omega pulled away from Mancer before beginning his speech, “I offer you power. This power is both social and physical. You see, I am the God/King of an alien empire. I crash-landed here when I met a certain force that is not to be reckoned with.”
Omega began slowly drawing his tentacles out to various places in the forest. It not only provided him with a potential escape, but it added to how large of a figure he appeared to be as his rant continued, “Once I am reunited with my kind, I plan on taking this planet as my own. In order to rejoin my people though, I need an army here.”
Mancer was quite dubious. This thing’s story sounded utterly ridiculous despite everything Mancer had been through. There was also one other thing bothering him, “Explain to me, how does that grant me physical power?”
Omega grinned, it was the type of grin that one only gets when they’ve been waiting for a specific event to happen that finally comes, “You see, my species is not born as I’m sure you’ve made the observation with my lack of genitals,” Omega motioned towards where his testicles would be if he were human with his hand. And despite the lack of an adorning sack upon Omega’s lower region, Mancer tried his hardest to keep eye contact.
Omega’s laughter suddenly erupted through the air, “A species whose society is so hell-bent on sexual reproduction yet they stomach looking at each other’s pen-“
“What was this about power?” Mancer’s comment cut quickly through Omega’s amusement with a powerful essence of annoyance driving it. As to whether Mancer was annoyed at the talk of sexual reproduction or Omega beating around bush may never be known.
Omega in response gave a glare of death before then muttering to himself as he re-traced his thought pattern. Muttering to himself a list, “Offer of power, physical benefit, genitals…” and then a lightbulb suddenly brightened Omega’s expression, “Oh yes! You see, my species is created from other species typically, or from scratch in my case. We apply some metal skin and we replace a few organs and they become one of us!”
Mancer, sensing the danger of the situation he was in, had prepared a spell mid-speech. Upon the ending of it, Mancer shouted two word’s, “Gorgon’s Glare”
Omega saw the spell, yet he did nothing to stop it. From his earlier experience with Mancer’s Heartseekers, Omega felt no sense of danger. As a result, he found himself encased within stone. At first being confused as he could no longer see, Omega picked up on the hint of the name of the spell and assumed he must be covered in stone or some rock. Using his elemental manipulation, Omega simply cracked the shell like he was incased in like a peanut.
Meanwhile, Mancer was zipping through the forest, ducking under low-hanging tree limbs and jumping over vines as they came. Unfortunately for him, Mancer was not the most physically fit individuals and found himself winded after a few minutes. Upon reaching and area with heavy amounts of vines tangled in, through, and out trees, he stopped. Seeing as his opponent could dash through trees with ease, he cast the only spell that made sense, “Heartseekers”
Elsewhere, Omega had begum his search in the forest, the sorcerer could be anywhere really. Although, Omega assumed he was a little better at navigating forests than most magicians. So he knew eventually he would find him. Of course, as he was swinging towards Mancer’s general location, he got hit in the face with three arcane bolts. Omega had been taken by surprise and was blinded for just the right amount of time that he couldn’t aim for the next tree. He then swiftly reunited with the earth and landed flat on his back. He then tried to stand, but as he got to his feet the painful sensation of a saw sliding up his back overtook Omega. He went down to his knees and shouted at a volume that made the birds scatter. He then felt around his back with his tentacles to feel around his body. The metal plating on his back had been driven in towards his spine. Although it didn’t sever the spinal cord, many muscles and vertebrae had become unusable. Omega knew there was only one way to solve this, and he began ripping out bits of muscle and vertebrae and the metal plates.
Mancer heard the shouts and followed where the heartseekers had gone. When he came across Omega, the alien had been stripped of his lover back and his muscles and vertebrae looked as though they had been surgically removed. He then prepared a spell, “Avalance”
A snowball began forming and growing at the tip of Mancer’s wand. He slowly began walking towards the prone Omega, poised to swing his wand if need be. Upon getting about 5 feet away from the body, the body suddenly sprung to life. Omega launched himself upwards using his tentacles and grabbed a hold of Mancer and struggling to support his upper body by gripping onto Mancer. As they each struggled for dominance, Mancer felt Omega’s claws dig into his chest and shoulder and his cool blood trickle rapidly down his torso. As he regained his senses, Mancer swung his wand as a snowball three feet in diameter connected to Omega’s skull and caused Omega’s body to hastily depart.
As Omega tumbled through the air, teal energy surrounded by a purple aura gathered around the Nova. Mancer was making an incantation quite slowly. As Omega slowly stood up, it seems that his healing factor was serving him well. In fact, Omega was feeling so cocky right now that he stood up and had the gall to say, “Ha, from what I’ve seen your puny magic will have no effe-“
Omega found himself once again tumbling through the air being carried by a ball of energy. Upon landing against a tree behind him, an explosion proceeded leaving a Omega without the lower half of his body and destroying most of the tree behind him.
“Ow” Omega began trying to steady himself on merely his tentacles. He looked up to see that Mancer had prepared yet another spell.
Then, a crimson beam came forth from Nova and struck Omega. Omega braced for impact but instead of exploding, he found the world around him had gotten significantly bigger. Mancer then realized his corruption was getting out of hand, so much so, in fact, he found that Omega was at one-seventh his normal size, seven-and-a-half inches. He decided now would be a good time to cast Ablution, the spell that rids him of the corruption that builds in him as he casts magic.
Upon seeing that yet another spell was being prepared, he immediately launched himself utilizing his extra limbs and attached himself to Mancer’s shoulder and began clawing and digging into his flesh. Then he swung around Mancer, using his body as an anchor for his tentacles, and he ended up behind his neck. He dug his fingers into Mancer’s neck and began headbuttting him repeatedly. He then saw a larges tick come through and swat him. Only after he tumbled on the ground for awhile and looked to Mancer did he realize it was his wand that had launched him.
Mancer was bleeding profusely now, he had numerous holes in his back from where Omega stabled him with tentacles, his left shoulder was only staying attached to his body because of his bone structure, and his neck was drenched in it’s own liquids. Fearing another attack, he turned to where Omega had fallen and he chanted awhile before casting Drown into Darkness, a spell that traps it’s victims in a shadowy liquid.
Omega was completely neutralized at this point, he couldn’t move anything except his tentacles but his tentacles were no longer long enough to pull himself out of the mass of liquid that Mancer had summoned. Mancer had hit his absolute maximum corruption and had made a twenty-foot diameter pool of darkness.
Mancer would’ve been in the perfect position to win this fight but there was one problem, if he casts another spell he’ll die and with the pool there he can’t approach Omega but he certainly can’t let Omega go free from the spell. He would just cast Ablution, but then he would probably knock himself out with the blood loss the spell calls for. He most certainly couldn’t try and run either, he would lose his blood too fast and just die. It all came down to if he was willing to risk his life in the hop Omega would die from his far ore grievous injury, or if he would lose his life in exchange for the thing before him.
Mancer thought himself a monster, but the creature before him was far worse than he and created monsters. Mancer certainly didn’t want others to fall victim to him, so his own sacrifice would mean little for the greater good of life. He took every last bit of power he had and cast one final spell, “Morning Star!”
A cataclysmic explosion engulfed the forest, so bright it was that the sun itself was outshined by sheer power and brightness. The very air shook and the ground became wavy from the shockwave. The explosion had left such a scar on the earth that the atmosphere thinned and the northern lights revealed themselves.
Nothing was left as evidence to what could have caused the event.


We will not be accepting rage comments on the difference in how we submit our stories. Thank you :P

Also, I'm sure we will both gladly accept harsh, unleashed, brutal CnC (life is so hard when everyone's trying to help you).

Cavaliere
12-27-2014, 08:14 PM
Thanks for getting this up! The poll's not active, just so you know. I'm very excited to see how this turns out.

Malacal
12-28-2014, 08:42 PM
*facepalm*
1 week to vote everyone!
Edit: Then I go and misspell your name in the poll, I am terrible at this apparently

Cavaliere
01-01-2015, 04:15 PM
Still not a single vote? Guess there's a lot of leftover cookies and hangovers.

Cavaliere
01-04-2015, 09:25 PM
Holy cow, a single vote, and no cnc whatsoever. Rather disheartening. Guess our fight was ill-fated, Malacal.

Lamitrov
01-04-2015, 09:29 PM
Do not forget that many people have school, college, and various other things to attend to! I myself would've voted, had i the time and patience to read it all. But i can't because school starts tomorrow for me xD. So instead of ill-fated, it was more of a bad timing kind of event/deal. [Also i have no experience in wRHG So i wouldn't be able to Cnc xD]

ErrorBlender
01-04-2015, 09:38 PM
...I will do my best to CnC later and say my vote. I wanted to read and vote, truly, but a lot of events happened irl.

Crank
01-05-2015, 06:22 AM
I'm sorry, I moved in this week so I've been scatterbrained for a while now, but I'll try to drop some once I get wifi as well.

ErrorBlender
01-05-2015, 07:34 AM
Well deserved CnC right here:

Cavaliere:

You know what I like about how you write? Its the vocabulary. You've got a way with words that mingles them nicely with each other as if they were meant to be. I would have had a hard time finding a way to put 'ultra-flexible' someplace but you have your ways. Haha, good on that.

Now this is just a personal preference but I did like the RS cameo. Even brief, I found it nice. Sinkhole and Dittoo lives on.

Honestly, I can't find any inconsistency. I tried my best but maybe others can find one if there is.


Malacal:

Your story was lighter than Cavaliere's and a bit easier to digest. I find that nice but a bit of variety could get you places.

I suggest you use different names for the characters in the story; like Mancer is a mage, so you may call him as such. Omega is an alien, call him as such as well. It is to provide a sort of refreshing thought for the reader. Its like this: saying a single word over and over again will make it lose its meaning; the same goes with names basically. Try to shake things up. Also describe things a bit more rather than telling them; you had opportune times to describe a scene to add dramatic flair and you didn't.


Fearing another attack, he turned to where Omega had fallen and he chanted awhile before casting Drown into Darkness, a spell that traps it’s victims in a shadowy liquid.

"The mage feared another strike from his opponent. Mancer turned to the fallen Omega and began to chant. His whispers grew in volume as the alien raised himself from the ground menacingly but the mage had finished his spell in time. Omega felt the ground beneath him break into a viscous dark liquid, his tentacles sunk deep into the tar-like pit Mancer had manifested into the world. The alien, for the first time in the fight, felt helplessly outwitted."

Something like that. :)

What I disliked on yours was that despite being easy to follow, I felt I was guided too fast into the story. Maybe the spacing but I disregard that since it could have a 'copy-paste' mishap.



I vote for Cavaliere.

Malacal
01-06-2015, 09:46 PM
It's funny, I constantly try to find opportune moments for those moments to refer to them as something different, but then it occurs to me that I never established that Omega was a king. So I either go back and establish that or I use the same word. As, I try my best to make my stories not require background info.

As far as the descriptive dialog... It's just lack of attention at the right times in my story honestly. I tend to have great beginnings and as the story drags on it gets a little worse.

Also, Cav, We had poor timing as it was during "Hey it's Christmas, go visit places" time of the year so people were probably ignoring the internet for a while.

ErrorBlender
01-06-2015, 11:08 PM
I have that same problem sometimes too. Where beginnings are nice then everything begins to slow down. The trick I got to know to work around it was to constantly come back to it, everyday to read it then to reinvent the things I can and leave it at that for the next day.

Crank
01-18-2015, 11:13 AM
Geez this is overdue, but damned if I go back on my word.


Very interesting story! I really liked your opening comparing a forest to be a singular organism, but a bit after that you seemed to have a lot of repeated words and a few contradictions off the bat as well. The issue with using the same word close to itself is that it damages the flow a bit and makes something sound well, repetitive.

Mancer would not normally walk through the forest in the middle of fall singing Christmas carols, but so many people were singing them that Mancer simply could not get them out of his head. That is, he sang until something started ruffling the leaves of the trees above him. Normally he would think it was a squirrel but squirrels don’t get that big nor are they pitch black.

I'll give you a pass for the squirrels and Mancer, but usually unless there's another subject you'd be safe using something like 'he', or in my experience I've found that a small detail about them such as 'the wizard' would be fine as well.

Next, when people are going though massive emotion shifts, don't be afraid to dive into the details of why.

“Who’s there?” Mancer felt for his wand, the Nova. He slowly drew it from his hiding place while looking around. When he turned around he found an exceptionally tall metallic creature.
“Jesus Christ!”

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd have a particularly good reaction from seeing an exceptionally tall metallic creature either, but this would be a great time to go into Omega's appearance from Mancer's perspective as well.

“Who’s there?” Mancer felt for his wand, the Nova. He slowly drew it from his hiding place while looking around. When he turned around he felt his heart leap out of his chest at the sight of some...thing! Colored like the abyss itself as thin as a man who starved to death, it's haunting crimson eyes felt like they were staring into his soul, and eight tenticals poured out of its back like a wicked cape.
“Jesus Christ!”

Establishing details like this can help you later down the road when you're struggling with everyone either being 'he' 'him' or 'name'.

Another thing is when you have a contrast in power of two people, be sure to show the comparative strength of one, instead of just how weak someone is to someone else. Without the power perspective with it, it simply makes the other person look weak and thus the strike no big deal regardless.

As a result, he found himself encased within stone. At first being confused as he could no longer see, Omega picked up on the hint of the name of the spell and assumed he must be covered in stone or some rock. Using his elemental manipulation, Omega simply cracked the shell like he was incased in like a peanut.

As a result, he found himself encased within a thick layer of stone. At first being confused as he could no longer see, Omega picked up on the hint of the name of the spell and assumed he must be covered in stone or some rock. Using his elemental manipulation, Omega simply cracked the shell that would've sealed the fate of a lesser man like he was incased in like a peanut.

Again though, I enjoyed your story very much and found your ending to be memorable! Great job!



THE HELL HAPPENED TO DEVIANTART'S LOGO!?

But anyway!

I really don't have any negative feedback for this, it was extremely well done, the plot flowed together very nicely and characterization was great. I wish I could say more and that more people voted on the poll, but I do agree that you earned the win. Also, bonus points for making me all nostalgic with Sinkhole and Ditto!

Amazingly done!

Malacal
01-18-2015, 08:09 PM
Although it is not as impressive when you look at the actual number of votes, Cavaliere won with 100% of the votes.
As far as your advice goes, I will most definitely take into consideration the bit with Omega's introduction. I like making all details to the reader clear with the beginning of the story but, I've found that hard to do with Omega as there are a lot of details with him and uh... it's hard to not make it horrifyingly obvious. Looking back, as opposed to calling out to Jesus for help (yeah, that's totally what he was doing), I could've had it be more "What the hell are you?" and Omega reply in some smug and asinine way.

And now I'm giving myself CnC based off other's CnC, oh my.
Anyways, thanks!