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View Full Version : [WRHG Tournament] : An ill-concieved notion (Round 1)



Lobotomizer
01-07-2015, 03:56 PM
“You are a fool, Thirteen!”

“Call me Lucy,” he insisted.

“We can call you by your chosen nickname when you have earned the right!” The stout man seethed, “we asked for contestants, Thirteen. You gave us four. Four! And a PR nightmare to go with it!”

“They were the very best!” Thirteen protested, “quality trumps quantity!”

A document was withdrawn and flicked at Thirteen. He hastily sidestepped it, allowing the file to strike the hard marble with a loud crack, a sound unexpected from thin plastic. Papers scattered, one of them face up with striking bold letters at its top: “VENOX”

“Two of your chosen ‘very best’ have yet to participate in a single battle, Thirteen. I can only imagine you picked them randomly off the street at your convenienc-”

“Leave him be, Twenty one.”

The same stout man turned, to another smartly dressed in a black suit and trousers. It was Seventeen, bearing the same stoic expression as he had always.

“What was done has been done. We can only take solace in that, by whatever means, Thirteen had brought us one of the bigger champions of the gladiators; Blanc.”

“I just picked that one of the streets, actually,” Thirteen admitted.
“And!” Seventeen raised his volume, cutting the other off from speaking, “if we mark him as our champion of the tournament, we may yet have a chance to rouse the audience, as we seek more to bring in.”

“Seek more? The deadline is-”

“We can start with these four; give them a little appetizer whilst the main course arrives, if at all.”

Twenty one narrowed his eyes, but eventually even he conceded to Seventeen’s words, “I leave it to you to handle the contestants. Don’t mess up the transfer. You have right to torment them if you wish.”

A small smile appeared very briefly on his expression. one of clear sadism, quickly dispersed as if it had never been.

“As you wish.”

“And Thirteen.”

He turned, but his expression was less than enthusiastic at being called.

“You have time until Seventeen finishes. Get moving.”

“Hearts and minds sir,” Thirteen rolled his eyes, “hearts and minds.”

General information:

Each contestant has been swiftly brought to another place. Where that is, they could only guess. A field? Abandoned ruins? A cave? Perhaps there was no right answer to the mystery, but whatever it was, they have more pressing issues in mind.

As promised, each person is brought to a certain ‘place’ and subsequently tormented. The place and subject of torment will be listed for each individual. Their only tasks are to endure the nightmare, break free from it using resolve, fluke, an opening/opportunity, or any other means that you see fit for your character’s deposition. Upon breaking free, your character will find themselves doing *something* to another character (what it is and who it is is up to you). The idea is to stay true to the character. Immerse in the nightmare and be reminded of the terrible past. Not all nightmares may be effective at all; the torturer is, after all, human.

Greeted in a cell with dim light. There are children. They greet it with cheery voices. They play with it. Screeching noises, first inaudible, grow in volume.They attack it with weapons from nowhere, as the light is gradually made stronger.

A warehouse filled with crates and metal. It is on fire, but the heat cannot be felt. Explosions sound, alongside yells and a more subtle, robotic voice. A bulky silhouette can be seen through the fires, retreating away from the character.

- Pitch dark cave. The earth rumbles with an unworldly noise, and eventually the character is attacked. Clawed, punched and so on, with whatever appendages or creatures that seem to dwell inside. Only faded silhouettes of them are visible.

- Greeted first by an explosion. Screams, yells, gunshots and the marching of feet; the sounds of war. The scene changes, to that of cheery merchants selling arms. Smiles of citizens, as they cheered for their country with fueled patriotism. Not a single one possessed a negative emotion, even those who fought at the front lines and died for it. A single woman’s scream sounds in the distance.


As the 'appetizer' of the tournament, this round will not lead to the elimination of anyone. Your result however will affect what will happen later on, so do your best.

This time the soft limit is at 1500, minimum 800.

The deadline is two weeks from now. 22nd of January. Post the entries in this thread. As usual, follow your own clock.

ErrorBlender
01-08-2015, 06:41 PM
Awesome, let's do this. :D

EDITED: My entry.
Entry (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UtGOOyy-Y8WqIsM5OhKZTIyE5NisqraJJ_lZvP31vDI/edit)

Cassandra
01-20-2015, 02:27 PM
I just had to get it all in there, so kindly disregard my accidental ignorance of the word limit. :D
I need to know if I did it right...the instructions were kind of confusing.

Click here for hopeful awesomeness (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1VWGOxO0PoepOBdTdtnZSow9WRvKnEISzBh4PmfEZkhA/edit?usp=sharing)

RichardLongflop
01-22-2015, 04:42 PM
Donk.

The walls of the chamber were old bricks, some areas slick with moisture and moss, the others dry and crumbling with age, and yet no matter how much the creature slammed into the walls, they would not yield. No matter how much noise it made, it could not sense anything beyond the walls.

Its slow footfalls squelched on the ground, the hard surface covered with a viscous liquid. It dragged its fingers through it and brought it up to its mouth, letting its teeth dance around it, feeling it. It had then realised that it was its own blood; bleeding from its eyes, its mouth, and the various wounds it had created upon itself from its barrage against its cage.

Deciding that all this work is futile, it withdrew to a corner of the room, deciding that- like all things- this room will crumble with time, and waiting game was something this creature had mastered since time immemorial.


Time had been forgotten in this chamber; weeks? years? It all passes the same for the beast. Who knew how long it was until one of the walls started to shift. Bricks pulled away and created a gape in the surface, large enough for a few creatures to shift through before closing up again.

These creatures sat in front of the wallowing beast, staring intently, toys in their hands.

"Fingey?" one of them chirped. They thought the creature was asleep, though it was watching them intently with its ears. The sound of its blood against their tiny shoes filled the chamber with enough sound that it could see everything in the room, the sound waves clashing with its sensitive teeth.

Fingey shifted, raising its head at the children in front of it. It tilted its head quickly, letting out a large snapping sound as it did so. It was curious. Lending out a giant hand to the child in the middle, it stroked the side of the kid's face with a giant fingertip. They all giggled in unison. Something was certainly off about these small things, but Fingey only saw them as friends.

Giving the kid's hair a light tussle, he moved to place both sets of knuckles on the ground, using them to right itself up. It would stand, but the ceiling is too low. Instead, it just sat cross-legged, head cocked to the side like a curious dog. Out of the soft clicks emitting from its mouth like white noise, a few loud ones rung out.

The left-most child spoke, and Fingey's head adjusted itself to face him, his neck ratcheting like the lid of a child-proofed pill bottle. The right-most kid grinned and held out her teddy bear in front of her, one of her hands travelling to a dial attached to its back. She slowly turned it.

Holes in the ceiling started to emit light, bringing the dark room to a more visible state. The thing's skin started to tingle. Something was off.

The kids started to take a few steps towards the creature, a few stumbling over its crossed legs.

One of the kids holding a small plush of a dragon stood in the gap between its legs and held up his toy to Fingey's face. The creature slowly rose up a heavy arm and went to gently grab the offering, but stopped as soon its fingers touched it. The toy was... not?

A few giant fingers caressed the gap between the damp flesh of the dragon and boy, but found that they were connected. The wet, felt-like skin merged to the boy's arm. It twitched, a guff of flame shooting out of the toy's mouth.

The sudden flash of light paralyzed the creature for a brief second, the fire itself seemingly doing nothing to the creature's black dermis. When the light died out, the creature reacted by slamming its back against the wall behind it. It was cornered, and the light around the room started to brighten.

A few other kids approached Fingey, their toys also merged with their limbs and bodies. A boy with a toy dagger gluing his fist closed jabbed it into the creature's side, two metal spikes jutting out of the blade tip sending electric shocks through its body. A little girl with a pink water gun with pipes from her wrists connecting with the water tank of the toy fed in a clear liquid, a liquid the girl shot out at the creature's teeth, letting steam and horrible odours gush out as a few of the creature's sensory organs corroded away. The girl with the teddy turned the dial even more, and the light was already at the point where the creature couldn't regrow its teeth even if it tried.

Using its giant forearms, it slammed its fists into the ground and shoved the little assailants away. One fell over onto the ground, its head shattering into servos and wires, the speaker in its mechanical jaw cracking as it hit brick. It tried to right itself up with its brothers and sisters, trying to torment the beast with its own weaknesses.

Trying to warn the little persistent things to stay away, it started hammering the ground with its fists, though they didn't relent. The girl with the teddy collided with the thing's right arm as it rose up, toppling backwards to the ground like a wind-up walking toy after hitting a wall, and was promptly smashed as the fist came down and landed through her chest, destroying the appliance welded to her right hand in the process. The lights died, and the beast healed.

Realising that these little friends were mere impostors, the beast felt angry for the first time in months, and it exploded in the dark, filling every inch with the room with its appendages, summoned from every single point on its body. They pressed against the walls, crushing the small humanoid machines like leaves under a tractor's wheels. The pressure rose, and one wall started to shake.

"Expletive: Shit!" exclaimed the metal man behind the screens, rambling as he darted from console to console. "Observation: Though the containment seemed ample to contain the creature for several months, it appears that trying to test how the creature reacts to physical pain made it react in a far stronger way than any time before! Not once had it tried this hard to escape before! Does it even have intelligence?"

The man frantically scribbled down in a notepad, then punched a few switches. A female voice transmitted from the console: "Activating lights." Though, the act was futile.

Though the corridors outside of the chamber were now lit by several hi-powered lamps, the effect of the lights against the black fists flying towards them were similar to the effect of a road light turning red the second a speeding driver flying past. Didn't work one bit.

Walls were torn down, cables were shredded, and the metal man was cornered. A shower of knuckles, elbows and nails demolished the exits, leaving nothing but a light green glow of a console screen reflecting off the back of a metal-plated man, his shadow outlined around the behemoth in front of him, its jaw torn open and a long, five-fingered tendril hanging out, coloured red with white lines of tendons running down its length. It twitched, and flung towards Bl. An. C.

Aquila
01-22-2015, 10:31 PM
He woke up in a daze, lying on the ground, looking at the roof. There was flickering lights all around him and the roof was a smoky grey that stayed blurry to him. His lens tried to focus on it but it would constantly zoom in and out but the roof stayed blurry. Grunting in irritation he manually adjusted his lens with a tap but still nothing. He soon realized why and he wished he never did. Sweat soaked his bandages as he scrambled to his feet and crouched closed to the ground, shivering in panic as he observed his surrounding, which was all on fire. He stayed closed to the ground, paralyzed with fear. He forced himself to observe his surroundings and stared at the burning interiors of the warehouse, filled with large crates. He saw a shadowy figure retreating in the distance and screamed, “Can you help me? Please?” The figure didn’t seem to hear him as it didn’t turn around.

His screaming cleared his head and he soon became aware of the sounds around him. Voices, explosions, signs that there were people. He called out to them but he was either not being heard, or being ignored. The voices floated around him, he couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he began to resent them. He didn’t know where they were, or why they were talking, or what they were talking about, all he knew was that they weren’t helping him. He hated those voices, they were watching him from somewhere, doing nothing but watching and talking. He wasn’t going to let them watch him crumble in fear, he was going to get out, and shoot them in the fucking face.

The crates were filled with nothing useful, simply metal and other construction pieces. They were stacked all over, casting erratic shadows across the floor. The flames rolled over the walls and surrounded him.

His lens began scanning the structure of the warehouse, seeking weak points caused from the fire. With target locked, he drew Blunderbuss and let it grow in his hands. He pointed the cannon at an I-Beam that stood in the corner of the building, it would topple down the weak walls but the roof would stay intact. He aimed and pulled the trigger, and a cannonball ripped through the wall. Blunderbuss shrank back into a pistol, and he made a mad dash to the exit he created, beating away at any fire that licked at his bandages but he didn’t feel any heat. The peculiarity went by unknown to him as he was consumed by his panic and desperation to escape.

He burst through and tumbled across the floor, trying to kill all and any flames that may be on him. He got up and looked around, searching for the source of the voices. He saw one figure in the distance, illuminated by faint green lines. As he got closer, the man looked more and more like a robot and his mind flashed to the voices he heard, as well as the figure that ran away from him.

Anger welled up in his body as he approached the robot, the gun grew from the pistol form back into its cannon form and he pulled out his purple-striped charge. Swapping ammunition, he charged and fired a rocket.

ErrorBlender
01-23-2015, 12:35 AM
Round one done then, right? :D

RichardLongflop
01-27-2015, 02:31 PM
Well, if you guys or Lobo-cakes won't at least I'll throw a bone. Let's get to it.

You bviously haven't hit the minimum word count of 800, the story being 553 words. It may have been a soft limit, but you had time to do this story, man. Sick'a people pushing everything last minute. I know it's a bad habit to break but at least give yourself a whole day's leeway.

---

I can see that this was rushed. Some of the lines could be reworded to be more concise and to help with the flow of the story. I'll point out a few mistakes for this and what I would suggest for each one.

---

"He woke up in a daze, lying on the ground, looking at the roof."

This is the sentence you started with. I find these to be rather important in a story, and yours looks a bit off. I think it's because how the commas have seperated the line into three parts of similar length.

"He woke up dazed, sprawled on the ground with his eyes to the roof above."

But then afterwords you said "There was flickering lights all around him and the roof was a smoky grey that stayed blurry to him." Which I feel is a tad messy. You talked about being on the ground, then the roof, then the fire, then the roof again. Keep stuff organised, man. Floor, roof, fire. Group the roof stuff together.

"He woke up dazed, sprawled on the ground with his eyes to the smoke-ridden roof above, his lens zooming in and out attempting to gain focus."

---

I feel at his position, the fires would be around the edges of his vision, so you could describe the fire in small detail when he's lying down and then into bigger detail as he stands up. You could describe the fire illuminating the edge of his vision, then say as he scrambled to his feet he saw the overwhelming blasts of fire ravaging down the warehouse.

---

"as he scrambled to his feet and crouched closed to the ground"

And crouched close to the ground. You may have done this quick but a swift read-through of what you sent could have cleared some of these errors up. (But I'm getting a bit hypcritical here, when I was done with my thing I just wanted to send it off and not have it bother me any more, lol)

---

"He pointed the cannon at an I-Beam that stood in the corner of the building, it would topple down the weak walls but the roof would stay intact."

Messyyyy. He pointed the cannon at the beam and then it would topple down. I know you were doing analysing stuff with the guy but you could have pointed it out.

"He pointed the cannon at an I-Beam that stood in the corner of the building; he analysed that shooting at the beam would cause the weak walls to topple down, but still leave the roof intact."

---

Also I would like to mention that you use commas a hell of a lot. I mean, everyone does, but you might want to use a few -'s and ;'s. You can use a hyphen- like I am right now- to inject some description into a sentence; Semicolons can be used when you have two sentences with a similar subject and would want to combine them, like I just did there.


First thing's first, and what's more first than the first line of a story?
"Venox opened his eyes." Short, sweet, to the point. Nice, What you gonna follow up on that with? Another short, sweet line. Quick blinks as you wake up. Now, after tha- "area thingy" uh. A bit of an informal writer, eh wot? I'll read on with this in mind.

"A scream built up in Venox’s throat, and he pressed his teeth together hard, eyes tightly closed, trying to stop it from escaping."

A comma-lover, eh? Commas work best in ones or twos, I feel. Any more and you might wanna spruce it up with hyphens, but they're designed to work in twos. To quote from Aquila's C&C, "You can use a hyphen- like I am right now- to inject some description into a sentence".

Also I feel like, if you're describing him holding back a scream, perhaps describe him clenching up his throat or struggling to holding back breath? You can scream out of your teeth, after all.

I noticed that as soon as Venox woke up, he had a claustrophobic panic attack. I had a brief look over your character and he had no such fears, just just suddenly woke up and now he's going berserk. You could have given him some time to re-adjust himself, to look about the chamber a bit, let some worrying stew up before having him break down. And, minutes passing from his awakening, he's already a sobbing, stuttering wreck. Huh.

"PLEASE...!" elipsis are used when you omit words from a sentence. Also, you don't need captials if you already described him as "shrieking".

"Minutes dragged their feet, stretching their arms to span centuries" I can see you were going for a metaphor here, but it doesn't work. Minutes do drag on, but trying to compare them to feet dragging is a bit too weird to work, and then it jumps from the feet to the arms. Not really connected enough, I feel.

You started writing better after this, so I assume you had a bit of a rocky start.

"The first ghost-spirit-whatever" oh, back to the informal writing. Over a page and a half later. Hm. If you're going to go with something, keep at it, don't dot it here and there.
It appears again when Venox was fighting "against the invisible serpent thing". But still, use it more or not at all.

Here you actually went OVER the word limit. over half-way through and it's a bit more than I care to handle right now, I'd like to get onto Blender's thing. I'll let the others C&C you more.



First thing's first. First sentence. Yep.
"A fiery yellow inferno consumed the center of the city, a figure of black and green was powerfully ejected from the blaze."
I feel like it's a tad messy. In one sentence, you have a clear visual description going on, and then the second sentenA GUY FLIES OUT! And it jumps from being far out to being close up. If there was a camera man, he woulda hit mach 5 jumping cuts. It just doesn't feel right to me. All I can really suggest is that you reword it up a bit. I'll have a whack at it:

---

"A fiery inferno blazed at the center of the city, ravaging buildings and destroying cars. From its center, a figure of black and green emerged, thrown out from the blast."

Here I tried to show the whole city, then I zoomed into something smaller- the buildings- then smaller- the cars- until I was comfortable enough so that a person could appear and you wouldn't need a telescope to see them.

---

"It felt ominous, the sight of these machines that marched through were a nightmare."

I feel this could do with a rewording too. You tried to fit in two subject in a sentence and you did so by having one subject- the ominous feel, the visage of these machines- and then you just slapped on "were a nightmare". I'd believe it would have been better if you sent the word "nightmare" back and used it as an adjective.

"It felt ominous, the sight of these nightmarish machines marching through the streets."

I added "the streets" at the end because you hadn't yet said where the machines were marching, and it's good to keep the reader informed of these things. You may believe that the readers are intelligent enough to figure it out but when describing things like this you should always be direct about it, unless you're doing it for effect. See: The box in Se7en, or the briefcase in Pulp Fiction.

---

"each like a heartbeat of a dastardly organism" Hah, I likes that. I likes that much. Personally I would have went about it either as

"The echoes of the footfalls resounded in the silence, each one like the heartbeat of a dastardly organism" or "The echoes of the footfalls resounded in the silence, all coming together to form the heartbeat of a dastardly organism" I just feel it flows better, you feel?

---

"Most carried guns of the usual sort and even the rarer RPG." I feel like a few parts could be reworded, and since this is a new sentence you might want to refer to who are utilising the tools.

"Most of the soldiers came with assault rifles, though some had heavier weapons, like RPGs and grenade launchers." I added grenade launchers because I feel like expanding the sentence for one small detail isn't worth it. It's like the rule'a three, innit?

---

"pseudo-android" You say this quite a lot, and it sticks out like a sore thumb due to its uniqueness. Would be good if it was a name and not a description. Be a tad varied with it, call him a "power armour-clad man" or something. Synonym rolls, mmm.

---

"Bl.An.C.'s left arm exploded in white light and surged back towards his arm. " though it is good to tell people what is happening- see the "the streets" point- saying a subject twice in one sentence is a bit cluttered. I would have said:

"Bl.An.C.'s left arm exploded in white light and surged back into shape"

---

"a simple bracer adorned his arm that soon buzzed to life with inner machinations."

Machinations, huh? So his arm is plotting against him? Damn arms, rising up. Never trust them.

---

After this, the story picks up and I see little to no errors. I like how you handled the scene change from war to celebration. "I'm not sure when I am." seems a little off to me, I'd rather have him think "I'm not sure what's going on."

I feel like I've given enough points, anything from hereafter will probably be repetitions.

terible as fukc get gud scrub l0l rekt

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9i0ul7hnu1rc8dguo1_500.jpg


Thar we go. These are mostly things that bother me, though I feel I made some good points here and there. I wish I could be better at this but I've only ever received CC like once or twice before.

ErrorBlender
01-27-2015, 07:10 PM
I didn't add my CnC [or mostly just Comment and little Critique], due to it becoming a double post. I'd rather make a new post for the stuff.



Welp, short of the minimum but is okay.

You have weird commas in some places dude but some have been pointed out by Waffles already. Could have used a little more description to get it lengthier like with the voices. You could have expounded on this, made this creepy and furthered the hate that would be boiling in LL.

"They were stacked all over, casting erratic shadows across the floor. The flames rolled over the walls and surrounded him."

I would've given the 'erratic shadows' a bit more description but its all in preference.

"His lens began scanning the structure of the warehouse, seeking weak points caused from the fire. With target locked, he drew Blunderbuss and let it grow in his hands. He pointed the cannon at an I-Beam that stood in the corner of the building, it would topple down the weak walls but the roof would stay intact."

You could expand this, explain what he was seeing before saying target locked. Like show what couldn't be viable targets and not just simply say a target was found.

Could've been better imo but I it seems you were just hurrying this up so I understand.



I will add this later. I have read it but I need to quote things.



Good, I especially liked the children. I kind of thought that they were other creatures with one of their hands merged into the toy dragon.

"and it exploded in the dark, filling every inch with the room with its appendages, summoned from every single point on its body"

I can only imagine the terror of the little robot children. No problems here.

"then punched a few switches"

Isn't flicked/pulled up/pulled down a switch the more appropriate term? I think of switches as the little lever things or their bigger versions.

"long, five-fingered tendril hanging out, coloured red with white lines of tendrils"

Felt weird with tendrils twice. Same problem with me but I just wanted to point it out.

I find nothing weird on the grammatical side of things. Nice, nice.

RichardLongflop
01-28-2015, 07:15 AM
It's Mgee, you silly willy.

ErrorBlender
01-28-2015, 07:24 AM
Sorry, Waffles. Fixed.

RichardLongflop
01-28-2015, 08:49 AM
Oh whoops, I meant the second tendrils to say "tendons", brb quick edit fix~<3 And cheers for the switch thing. Won't edit that part, I feel like it'd be cheating now. (Spellchecking's aright in my book tho)

Lobotomizer
01-29-2015, 11:33 AM
Well, thanks for the hard work, everyone. My thoughts on the entries are as follows.


Few complaints for this one, for better or for worse.

You stayed true to the prompt and added your own twist. The solution was fair enough. While the tormenting part was arguably weak, that was up to you to decide proper. If anything, however, you could definitely have added more emotion into the scene. You described the scenes well, but Blanc's response seemed to be little more than just confusion.

You are still making tense errors.

Bl.An.C. turned to face the terror in its vocal form. With close to nothing to verify why she screamed, the helmet whizzed back on and the jade eye blazed alive

Whatever you were referencing, it was entirely lost on me. I assume it was the woman's scream, but that was never mentioned before then.




What I would deem the more creative of the entires. You took a prompt that I thought would have been insufficient and expanded it further, including Blanc into the story and giving the scene an actual setting.

You could have perhaps included some indication of primal emotion. What you've done with the outburst of anger could easily be applied to surprise and pain, and might bring more life to the piece. The end could be given more drama, but it is fairly sufficient as I see it.

"... Though, the act was futile.

Though the corridors outside of the chamber were now lit by several hi-powered lamps, the effect of the lights against the black fists flying towards them were similar to the effect of a road light turning red the second a speeding driver flying past. Didn't work one bit."

The first sentence of the quote seems redundant, by the way.




You included everything in the prompt in the least words possible. As expected, the result is fairly bland. There isn't much to talk about, because you haven't written much at all. The escape was nondescript, like a rollercoaster ride that went no more than five metres above the ground.


The story had many logical issues, especially times where you seemed to imply it was a fairly confined space, yet managed to fly upwards to what I would assume a sizable height. The character's emotions were also somewhat inconsistent; for someone who was incredibly shocked by being shoved into a tight space, Venox recovered fairly quickly. Description could use some work; it was overall a bland read and nothing that hooked myself as a reader.

Creativity wise, not too stellar. You put your own efforts in giving the adversaries an identity, and used the character's abilities to deal with the problem, if by brute force. That much can be acknowledged. The ending however, would be what some would call a 'cop out'. You materialised a character for the sole purpose of saving yours from the nightmare for absolutely no plausible reason. Threatening is not one; Thirteen would never be at threat, because his person there is imaginary. You've also ignored the final condition of the ending, which was to do something to a character.

Finally, you used fairly informal language that was clearly not in the character's voice and therefore jarring.

Keep in mind that length is not a reflection of writing capability. In fact, if you fail to keep the reader interested, the length only becomes daunting, and they would give up before finishing at all.