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View Full Version : Venox (Cassandra) versus Wyvern (Vern)



Cassandra
01-31-2015, 12:55 PM
The authors have spoken.
The battles are complete.


Venox versus Wyvern (https://www.icloud.com/pages/AwBWCAESELcuHKqsK3vRettiUw_rw1saKpckH5olArFXzZBVvc m4fIOT__N5E-jcoVwsIf5wJtiyvTt4X01lBZjrpQMCUCAQEEIBYhJM1IPkrziQ pjz1VueVQ4WuMbZqccxRCYRd9NM4Qc#wRHG_Battle_#1_-_Venox_versus_Wyvern)


Wyvern versus Venox (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HG1bfQNEWKHUPgdCAfIRt8eS5EJglSt_uX-dICoKM6A/edit?usp=sharing)


The fate of these warriors lies in the hands of their observers. Good luck to them both.

Oh, and there's something in my story I didn't explain...


EDIT (01/31/2015): There's an asterisk in my story that I forgot to define. That character is supposed to represent a fictional version of me. :D

Vern
01-31-2015, 01:23 PM
Ow yeah c:

I'm quite excited to see how this pans out, it's my first wRHG battle (or RHG battle for that matter) ever :D

As always, constructive feedback is appreciated dearly, though don't expect thankyou's if you're all negative about it :)
But hey, even if you're all negative about it I will still consider your points ^_^

Just some quick info I figured I'd post here :

We started this battle one week ago to give you a clue about the amount of time it took us to make it,
Cassandra's work counts 4727 words (according to her)
Mine counts 4711 words

And generally, I have enjoyed battling against Cassandra :) I wish her most of luck, and I wish all of you most of fun reading our works ^^

ryanjr
02-01-2015, 06:39 PM
I like both of your stories a lot. You must have told each other about the airfield and some parts were near exactly the same. This (to me) was a very close match.

Vern
02-02-2015, 10:52 AM
Any feedback though? While it isn't said anywhere that voting without reasoning isn't allowed I'd just like to know why you thought Cass was better than me, because well, in the end don't we just do it to improve? I at least do :L

ErrorBlender
02-02-2015, 05:53 PM
Close fight from the both of you. Seriously. Only a bit tipped the favor to the other and I would have just voted for both of you [since the poll is multiple when it shouldn't :D]. Its mostly of description for me, preference I suppose.

I'll give CnC when I get back home. :)

Crank
02-02-2015, 08:16 PM
Cassandra:

Apparently I can’t copy and paste with iCloud. NOOOOOOOOOO!

But anyway, it looks really good so far! (And so far because I’m doing this as I’m reading it) First thing I see though, is surprise and reaction. Surprises by nature are extremely sudden and as a result, require pretty immediate response to the likely detrimental thing. For the sake of argument, let’s call them “OH SNAP” moments.

For example, because of the Super Bowl lately work at Penara Bread was really slow, so my manager had his playlist going on in the back of the store. Thing was, he was in the front of the store, so it was cranked up pretty loud to compensate. Normally, that wouldn’t be that bad, but he forgot what playlist it was and as a dad and his little boy walked up to my counter, Eminem starts busting out The Real Slim Shady. Suddenly uncomfortable, I turn to my coworker and mention “This is a fun song to play right now,” and apparently overhearing this, Devin turns from the lobby to the front counter and his eyes pop as soon as he sees the customers. His face pales immediately and the man outright books it to the back and tears the speaker plug out of it’s socket on the wall.

Point is, once you hit that “OH SNAP” you act on it instantly, and people can usually tell you have it. Venox didn’t quite seem to have it, like the steps weren’t quite right. It almost seemed as though it occurred like this:

Wyvern frowns.
Wyvern is thrown off by gunshots.
Wyvern turns and sees it’s his friends.
Venox shrieks and moves.

Now common sense does say that Venox moved as they fired, but that delay still makes him seem a bit sluggish, or that it’s quite not as big a deal as it could’ve been.

Wyvern in turn also felt to feel the laser breath wasn’t too big an issue. Here it seems like he doesn’t move until long after the attack. I suppose it’d be like someone’s throwing a punch your face. You’d either be able to observe the decorative ring as it flies and blasts you in the eye, or you could duck and then take note of the fancy finger wear that almost blackened your eye.

Something small I’m noticing is to watch out for the word shrieking. It feels like you’re using it to the point of overuse and it wouldn’t hurt to mix it up a little bit. A quick check in the thesaurus shows scream, screech, squeal, squawk, roar, howl, shout, yelp and holler would work in most cases as well. Additionally, you may want to veer from having a character scream too constantly, if you’ve watched the Indiana Jones movies, the lady in Temple of Doom is a good example of how that can be seen. By all means show pain and anger and all that, but shriek and scream can drag you into some dangerous territory if you’re not careful.

I think my last main thing is that you may want to stray from having the narrator exclaim things. I may have worded that a little odd, but I mean like “Wow. That battle had been hard!” A lot of times this can be seen as swapping between first and third person, but it also feels a bit like spoon feeding. If there’s something that sorta highlights why that’s the case, you may want to take that route instead. Like, if he flexed his knee and it was still sore, or if he was remembering something specific in the battle.

All in all though, I enjoyed this very much, great work!


Vern

the moving wreckage that was Sal’s car came to a halt.
First and foremost, respect for that right there!

In my eyes at least, it looked like you did a whole lot right! Now, this might just be because I have an obsession with the underdog, but the main drawback to your story was that it didn’t feel very climatic. And again, I think you did really well with the setting characters and all that, but it just seems like Venox was establish as well, pathetic, too early and too heavily to ever be considered a real threat after that, and similarly, Wyvern is immediately established as pretty much incredible. You really don’t want your reader to question why they’re still fighting, and if your guy’s the one who’s expected to dominate you need to work on finding a way to keep your reader rooting for him.

Maybe go into his mindset a little, why is he fighting, besides just being attacked? What’s the purpose of all this? Purpose is especially important here, because even when it ended, it still felt as though the fight never mattered.

I suppose my main feedback is watch for your battle getting to bias and to make it matter.

All in all though, it was still quite enjoyable!


So, is it safe to assume the two of you agreed on the battle scenario a little bit? Anyway, the two of you did really well! Great debut for both gladiators, although Wyvern edged it out just a little bit for me!

Vern
02-03-2015, 08:57 AM
Wow, I didn't expect that this battle'd get even four votes o_o.

Either way,I greatly appreciate the feedback Crank. After partially reading my text again I can understand what makes you say that the battle is at least some way one-sided (though I did aim to prevent this.) I suppose I'm not at all used to having two sided battles so far since it hasn't really been like anything I ever wrote before ^^. Certainly something I'll keep in mind for the future.

Though you should know I initially intended to have a somewhat more two sided battle, but Cassandra nerfed Venox quite a lot DURING our battle, and because of this I had to tune down original plans. I initially tried to create a Wyvern that could match the previous Venox though this made him (relatively) too strong when Venox was made weaker. I suppose that partially explains it, for the rest, it's old habit and certainly something for me to work on in the future :)

(<- Silently hopes this could end in a draw)

I figure I should also mention that we (or I at least) did plan out a little bit of a scenario beforehand, yes. This to logically fit in with the collab I have going with my clan atm. Basically, the three most important points were
1. Fight on an airfield 2. Wyvern has 2 contacts/friends and 3. Noone dies.

ErrorBlender
02-03-2015, 05:54 PM
All right! Promised CnC, here we go.

Overview: Vern, I liked your work my friend. The fact remained was I could easily visualize Cassie's a bit more than yours and what made this battle hard to decide on was basically her story began to drag on while yours did not. I'm the guy that wants to see the fight better so I voted for Cass.

Individual CnC:


Now then, you have good description Cassandra. I like that your battle played out fairly well in my head.

To the CnC,

You have tense errors. Try not to capitalize entire words to convey shouting or screaming. Just the verb that says they do is enough. There is an instance though that made me laugh a bit; it was the part when Wyver thrusted both his sai into the face of the Darkwing. He suddenly worried that he might have killed it and didn't mean to do it, although I'm pretty sure two blades through the head is enough. I know it must have been the thrill of the moment that Wyvern did it but I just wanted to point it out. Haha, back to the CnC. It might be preference for me on the part of "AAAAH" but I'd rather go with 'screamed in pain' or simply screeched but it still fed the reader's mind with a decent description. For some time, I will recall this a bit of a comedy as my mind plays out Wyvern and Venox literally chasing each other in circles in a cartoon fashion. The ending was okay too. I liked how it went. There was a balance of powers in each until the end drew to a nice close.



I realize your battle had great description. I especially liked the brains popping out of the darkwings heads and the fact that the battle seemed realistic. I loved how the battle went on, actively using even Sal in the fight.

Bravo, my friend.

Anyway, not all things have no mistakes. In the first parts, you repeat some words. It bothered me but not too much. The battle felt a bit on the side of Wyvern already winning but I understand a bit due to Venox' nature. You gave Cassie's gladiator a good way to fight back but in the end it felt, despite her numerous abilities, it was never really used much. Personally, I'd go for a clash: in the middle the losing gladiator makes a powerful comeback and the winner has to deal with it with whats left of his strength. Since Wyvern was basically giving it his all and Venox was held back by his personality, you could have found some way to allow Venox to release his powers and make the readers worry for your gladiator's safety. You did put a good amount of suspense, trapping Venox on the ground with the Sai and keeping Wyvern in the fog of illusion - I have to admit was nice - but in the end Wyvern was still curbstomping the winged gladiator.

I mean, look at Omega and Mancer's battle. Omega is clearly a powerhouse and Mancer is just a mage with tricks that can steal abilities[now that I mention it, he sounds a lot like DotA's Rubick...] of other gladiators. The entire time, you would be worried of Mancer's well being due to the fact that Omega was basically brushing off everything Mancer was throwing at him. Nearing the end, a clash occured in the form of two other friendly gladiators that tipped the scale in favor of Mancer with the mage ending the powerhouse's madness. In yours, you could have stayed the beginning then moved on with Venox rising up to equal Wyvern. Just saying it could have been better but as of now its great.

Anyways, that's all I can say for now.


So yeah. All in preference I suppose.

Cassandra
02-04-2015, 07:50 AM
Thanks so much ErrorBlender!

Yes, you're right about the balance of powers in my battle. I always strive to make my opponent and I seem fairly balanced in the beginning, but then my character seems to get hopelessly overpowered before making a comeback at the very end. True to Venox's nature, he doesn't see it fit to murder the ones he fights. He then remembers the many bad memories from his past concerning the innocent lives he had to end.

I've seen in a couple wRHG battles that the opponents sometimes kill each other for "real", but I'm not the kind of writer to decimate an opponent that way. How do those gladiators survive "death"? I like to think that they just go to the recovery center and are extremely close to death, and the doctors just say he, she, or it is dead. Then they wouldn't have to deal with any gladiators going after each other for revenge, especially if the fighters had a history of rivalry or were a specific target of some other party.

ErrorBlender
02-04-2015, 08:55 AM
Thanks so much ErrorBlender!

Yes, you're right about the balance of powers in my battle. I always strive to make my opponent and I seem fairly balanced in the beginning, but then my character seems to get hopelessly overpowered before making a comeback at the very end. True to Venox's nature, he doesn't see it fit to murder the ones he fights. He then remembers the many bad memories from his past concerning the innocent lives he had to end.

I've seen in a couple wRHG battles that the opponents sometimes kill each other for "real", but I'm not the kind of writer to decimate an opponent that way. How do those gladiators survive "death"? I like to think that they just go to the recovery center and are extremely close to death, and the doctors just say he, she, or it is dead. Then they wouldn't have to deal with any gladiators going after each other for revenge, especially if the fighters had a history of rivalry or were a specific target of some other party.

About the killing thing, there was no real consensus between writers on how the gladiators survive death. We each have our own interpretation.

Chamel
02-04-2015, 08:45 PM
[Going to try and post some CnC later, along with my explanation on why I voted for Wyvern~ Might be this weekend-ish though, got some tough exams pinning me down..]

In Short : Both of you did great! It's always lovely to read what you write, Cassandra (even though I admittedly don't comment enough on your works..) And Vern, my friend, that was a mighty fine first battle! Well done!

Vern
02-07-2015, 02:54 PM
And so, like everything else, this battle comes to an end. The dust settles and the victor is revealed.

Barely standing, Wyvern managed to take down his opponent, Venox, who put up an unexpected mighty battle, the wanderer's wit the only thing that gave him an edge over the bat-like being. Sticking to his code of honor, he lets his opponent leave with his life, and as he watches the dark creature fly away, he realizes he still has much to learn...

~

So well... seems like I win with just one vote over Cassandra... A shame, considering Cassandra's effort and the quality of her work. I assume that both of us can learn a good deal out of this, especially with the feedback provided to us (for which I want to thank everyone dearly). I wish Cassandra most of luck in her future battles and look forward to the day that Venox and Wyvern will meet again.

Cassandra
02-09-2015, 06:21 PM
Great job Vern! Wow I was so close! :D After this, you'll only get better, so you have my support!


Wyvern stood by the bat's side, soaked to the bone in the chilling rain. Somehow, he felt good, as if he'd just overcome a huge obstacle. He looked down at Venox, and the bat gave him a small smile.

"Good battle..." the creature hissed softly. "...you deserved to win."

Wyvern grinned back, squatting and looking directly in Venox's face.

"Hey, it's not like you didn't make it easy for me. You're a good fighter too."

"Thanks."

With that, Wyvern walked to his plane, joined by his two contacts. With a deafening roar, the plane took off. Venox watched it leave, and closed his eyes. His entire body sang with pain. Maybe it would be alright if he just stayed here a little bit longer.

Eventually, Venox found the strength to get to his feet, and he flew off into the sky, seeking a safe haven where he could heal. This wouldn't be the first being who bested him in battle. The next one would be different. Venox grinned as he flew, dipping low into the shadows of his special alley.