PDA

View Full Version : Electroid vs Narkiss the neccesary evil



Spyrix
03-05-2015, 12:50 PM
Start voting now voting ends on march 15th

As Electroid walks into the coliseum the blinding lights hits his eyes. "breath... I can't take the stress!" he thinks. " Lets welcome our gladiators here today: Electroid the shocking electric plagiarizer!" the announcer says! "hey!" Electroid says back. Versus Narkiss the zombie with big guns literally. "Now let's start the battle in 3...2...1... go!" As soon as the battle started Narkiss charges recklessly at electroid with his sharpened dagger. Electroid creates a shield out of his electricity and pushes narkiss with his shield and then attempts to smash narkiss with the shield on the sharp side and then the shield ends up stuck in the ground. While electroid attempts to retrieve the shield from the ground narkiss runs up to him and punches electroid straight to the jaw and sends electroid and the shield flying. While Electroid is in the air Narkiss pulls out a Custom Dual Minebea PM-9's and shoots electroid in the air but electroid blocks the bullets with the shield. Once Electroid lands on the ground he takes his shield and transformed the shield into a sword and rushes toward narkiss and swings the sword at him but barely cuts narkiss. Narkiss pulls out the dagger and when Electroid is about to swing downward at narkiss he blocks the swing with his 10-inch dagger but Electroid kicks him right in the gut which causes narkiss to puke blood. The blood spills all on Electroid and before it takes it's effect Electroid and sends a straight-forward punch to narkiss' face and send sends him rolling across the ground and then follows the attack up with a lightning bolt headed straight toward narkiss. "Is it over? ahhhh!" Electroid's head starts hurting a lot as he hears a very deep voice in his head. "It's over Electroid I already infected you it's only a matter of time before you start serving narkiss, the necessary evil." the voice says. "No never I will not give in!" Electroid says back. " Don't fight it it'll just make it worse." the voice replies. "no no no! I nearly lost my life getting these powers and I'm not gonna let it go to waste!" As narkiss gets back up he notices Electroid get back up "strong will I see huh? well that's gonna get you no where." Narkiss pulls out the custom dual minebea pm-9's and shoots electroid once again. Electroid takes the sword and transformed it again back into the shield and covers himself with the shield and runs up to narkiss while he is shooting and then smashes narkiss right into the wall. As narkiss has his back against the broken wall Electroid punches narkiss over and over again until narkiss kicks him right to the jaw and follows it up with a downward punch and an uppercut which sends him back far. Electroid picks himself back up and sees narkiss running at him with the dagger in his hand. "Where can I hit the brain?! Wait my grade 5 science class the brain connects to the eyes!" he thinks. Electroid takes the sword and runs towards narkiss. just about they clash Electroid slides and trips narkiss. When narkiss falls to the ground he turns around and sees electroid in the air getting ready to stab him in the eyes. " and a spectacular finish from electroid!" the announcer says happily. "Now let's say goodbye to our gladiators here today and I'll see you soon." says the announcer. I wake up to my phone vibrating on my nightstand. I glance over at, still fuzzy eyed, and then I see its Runi so it must be important. I reach for it and it stops, I pick it up, unlock it, and call her back.

… … …

Three rings when you just called me? What did you do, throw your phone at the wall?

She picks up “Bout time, we have a mission like right now. Bring that sweet ass here” she hangs up

I’m stuck with the word “Hello” still on my lips as she hangs up. I let out a long groan and bury my face into my pillow like a teenage girl who just got her heart broke.

Fuck I hate late night missions.

I roll out of bed and put on my clothes then walk to the living room stepping over the carcasses of the thugs who tried to rob me last night. I look at the cracked clock on the wall and then down at the corpses.

I kneel down over one of the unconscious ones

“Itadakimasu”

After my meal I grab my guns and dagger then pull my beanie down over my skull. I go outside my apartment and nod to the stray black cat then head towards the base.
Runi is outside in a car waiting for me she opens the door from the driver’s seat and turns the radio down.

“This is an assassination mission, I'm the proctor” she points to three different buildings “You can snipe him from there, there, or there”

“Nah, my sniper rifle is in the shop. I’ll take him out old school style” I unsheathe my dagger

“His names Electroid, and as his name implies he can control electricity” she hands me the file

“Where do they find these guys? That's pretty damn amazing” I take the picture from the file and hand everything else back

“Apparently some place called RHG, everyone with supernatural powers go there. Are you sure you don’t want to read up on what he can do and stuff?” she says to me as I open the car door

“I just need to know where to find him and what he looks like, anything else is irrelevant” I say with a smile of confidence

“Kill him or don’t come back” she says and then kisses me on the cheek

“Of course” I blush a bit and close the door

She starts up the car and drives off. I look around for future soldiers of my unstoppable zombie army seeing a couple of people I take my dagger and cut my hand a little bit and smear the blood on them. I sit back and wait while 4 of the 5 turn. The last guy seems to be fighting it off, so with a twisted grin on my face I point at the man.

"Eat"

The four that did turn rush him tearing into his flesh pulling out organs and everything his pain filled screams stop as soon as one rips the mans face off. I walk over and take a handful of guts from his stomach and chew on it as I walk down the dark street.

"Come on, I don't have time for y'all to finish him" I say with my mouth full of flesh

They follow behind me, feet shuffling and guts hanging from their mouths. A little walk down the street I see the target.

This'll be too easy

"Hey. You got to die for me, kid. Go, eat to your hearts content" I say with a laugh

They charge at him, snarling, but they were instantly cut in two by some kind of whip. My brow twitches with annoyance. I pull out my gun and start shooting at him. The whip turns into a shield and he blocks my bullets. I walk towards him still shooting until the clip is empty. I holster my gun and pull out my dagger then charge him.

"Die, kid" I shout

His shield turns into a sword and he blocks my attack. I stomp on his foot and then head butt him forcing him to stumble backwards a bit. He shoots a lightning bolt at me that took me by surprise and hit me directly in the chest I fell backwards from the force of it. Before I was fully up he shot another lightning bolt at me, this one I blocked with my dagger.

"Before asking me why I'm not dead or at least damaged I want you to know this, I'm immortal there is no killing me so just give up." I took a stance "Or die a slow painful agonizing death"

He made a sword out of lightning and then took a stance as well. I grinned and licked my lips.

"Guess you'll be dinner then"

We charged at each other exchanging blows. This fight was the most fun I've ever had since I turned. In the heat of it I kicked him back and took the chance to reload my gun. He came at me before I could fire I dropped my dagger to catch his blade. It cut deep into my hand I grabbed the blade and put my gun in his face

"Game over, kid" he quickly raised his knee and hit me in the elbow making me miss, the bullet grazed the side of his face he kicked me away tearing the fingers on my right hand off

I looked down in shock and then let out a loud laugh

"This is great, kid! An injury? To me?" I shout getting excited

He looked down where my dagger had fallen and kicked it away. He shot multiple lightning bolts at me and I dodged them all fluidly but with the last one he charged at with a sword in his hand. I pulled my gun up and shot three time, only two connecting.

That didn't stop his charge though I pull the trigger but my gun doesn't fire, jammed.

"Fuck me" I mumble trying to block his sword with my gun

It sliced clean through and before he could attack again I kneed him in the side causing him to let go of his sword. I punched him in the face and grabbed him by his shirt collar he put his hand on my face quickly and fired a lightning bolt. I fell backwards and the ground hard. As he's about to stab me in the face I roll to the left and scramble to get on my feet. His attacks were relentless I couldn't dodge the majority of them I took multiple slashes. On the last one I kicked him in the leg and then punched him hard in the face then hit him with my right elbow he stumbled backwards.

"Okay! It's been forever since I felt this rush! You're destined for great things kid!" I shout as he rushes towards me

"If only you lived" I mumbled and splatter my blood across his face

I laughed evilly as he fell to his knees, fighting the virus and wiping the blood out off his face. My laughter stopped and I pulled out my right gun and stood over him.

"I wont fall to your control!" he yelled summoning a lightning sword and starting to get up

Before he could even stand I put my gun to his head

"It's over, kid" the gunshot reverberated through the silence

The sword dissipated and he fell to his side his eyes still open and full of determination. I knelt down and closed his eyes. I pick up my dagger, other gun, and my fingers then walk back towards the base.

"Guess, ill go find some dinner"

Crank
03-05-2015, 12:57 PM
Just a little bit of an FYI, but typically people wait for both pieces to be ready before posting the poll as a common curtsey.

Glad to see the newcomers are going at it with each other though!

Spyrix
03-05-2015, 07:28 PM
enjoy and actually read it if your gonna vote remember I can see beyond the computer maybe... ps its my birthday on the 7th and ill be on vacation on my birthday and march 8th also I would like to thank impious for challenging me so see you guys soon!

Impious
03-05-2015, 07:49 PM
Please CnC after you read.

Ken_Rou
03-05-2015, 09:06 PM
Good to see some new blood in the battles! I'll try to be specific about the mistakes that I think you guys did.
I haven't been able to see both of the character's bios, so bear with me on that.

-I encourage you to organize the whole story so the reader can... y'know, read your story. Make paragraphs and separate quotes so the reader can understand what is going on more clearly.

-Your whole story seems to be VERY short. If this was a real fight, it wouldn't last over 2 minutes.

-A common reason that some battles tend to be short is that the writer doesn't provide enough detail about the whole story. I had this problem too, and it almost costed me a battle. There are no limits in creativity when it comes to writing, so go full out!

-I can barely tell that you're telling the story from a 3rd person perspective.

- it's pretty bad that I can't remember the weapons that Electroid uses. Try to make your weapons more descriptive and remarkable!

-Punctuation, punctuation, punctuation!

-The "Remembering 5th grade" thing was a bit ridiculous. That could just be me though. Keep trying to make pinpointing weaknesses time-consuming and interesting.



-Is it only me, or does your story seem SHORTER than Spyrix's story?

-You are definitely more organized compared to Spyrix though. That's a definite.

-Jesus christ, your character is brutal.

-Again, the battle is WAY too short. Wouldn't last longer than Electroid's battle.

-Describe the fight man! Don't get lazy on the most important part of written battles!

-This is just a personal question, but are you really from Japan? Cause I'm Japanese-american. This should be fun. Anyway, back to criticism.

-I seriously feel that the whole blood thing is overpowered.

-Punctuation seems to be a problem for the both of you.


There's a lot to improve on, but it was a good effort from the both of you. Hope you guys enjoyed writing these stories. Improving your skills will boost the experience even more.

Impious
03-05-2015, 10:39 PM
Is it only me, or does your story seem SHORTER than Spyrix's story?

-Jesus christ, your character is brutal.

-Again, the battle is WAY too short. Wouldn't last longer than Electroid's battle.

-Describe the fight man! Don't get lazy on the most important part of written battles!

-This is just a personal question, but are you really from Japan? Cause I'm Japanese-american. This should be fun. Anyway, back to criticism.


Not gonna lie, i kind of rushed it a tiny bit. I'm a girl please don't call me man. Yes i am Japanese, but i only lived there for 4 or 5 years before we moved to America and I'm in the process of learning Japanese right now

Ken_Rou
03-05-2015, 10:51 PM
Got it, I'll keep that in mind. Sorry.

Spyrix
03-06-2015, 06:26 AM
Not gonna lie, i kind of rushed it a tiny bit. I'm a girl please don't call me man. Yes i am Japanese, but i only lived there for 4 or 5 years before we moved to America and I'm in the process of learning Japanese right now Wait a minute you're a girl Im assuming you're a tomboy right?

Matthew Murphy
03-06-2015, 06:30 AM
Both of you guys did too well... How can I even give one a vote without dismaying the other? How?? :(

But anyway, I can see potential here! If only there's a place in the forum that provides teaching to beginners on how to write a good story... Other than that, job well done! Btw, I'm Chinese (Malaysian to be precise)!

Impious
03-06-2015, 08:42 AM
Wait a minute you're a girl Im assuming you're a tomboy right?
sort of

Malacal
03-06-2015, 06:11 PM
We need something to tell gender underneath our profile pics that way we don't have moments where three or four posts are "wait you're of the female gender? whoa"
Like, seriously please dear god.
Obviously it should also be optional on our profiles, obviously.

And jesus these stories are short.
Spyrix:
-you missed some quotation marks at the beginning and typically when speaking occurs you have a comma before it. Or you end the spoken phrase with a comma and proceed to say who said the phrase.
-You're speaking too many names. Electroid this, Narkiss that. I'm sure others have said it (guess what? I haven't read anybody else's CnC, whoops) but repition of names is bad for story flow. Say things like "the zombie" or "the electric being" as opposed to their names consistently. Or even better, get into a scenario where you can just say "he" over and over again to make it easier on yourself. I've tried thinking up 37 different titles for my character. Despite him being a god, king, conqueror, alien, and warrior, it's still difficult. But if you have to, it is most certainly worth it.
-You need more emotional input into your stories. When Electroid got infected it was too rushed and I felt... nothing. Also, there wasn't any impact from the injuries at all, which I can understand from Narkiss him kinda being dead and all, but you still didn't even give the feeling that no matter what Electroid threw at him none of it worked. You didn't give Narkiss the feeling behind his character that he is a daunting and overpowering challenge. Think about how tense you feel in a difficult video game on the final boss fight, try to capture that feeling in the reader as your character struggles for victory, especially for something as difficult to kill as Narkiss.

So yeah, you have some improvements to make :p
Practice makes perfect though, right?

Impious

“Itadakimasu”
wut?
-Why didn't Narkiss eat Electroid? Seriously, it's only one bullet wound, he could eat around it.
-Okay, I have to say you pull off first-person writing far better than what most people do (and I proceed to cry from the millions of memories of my mind breaking from the terrible first-person stories I've read). So you have that going for you.
-As far as everything else goes, I enjoyed the imagery although it certainly could use some work. For example, your comparison to a broken teenage heart was good, but what followed was only as good as the word good. You said "Fuck I hate late night missions," for one you need a comma after "fuck," secondly the word hate has lost a lot of it's meaning despite the annoyingly common phrase "hate's a strong word" (spoiler alert, it's not). Also, although curse words add some nice strong feeling, they are once again too commonly used. You could instead use "I loathe late night missions." Also, this hatred did not seem to carry through to the fight at all, I suggest adding some consistency to your characters emotions (like, have him blame Electroid for this damnable late-night mission).
-Quite honestly, your fight sucked in comparison to the beginning. You lacked detail in your fights and it seemed rushed. Honestly, everyone else here will explain it better than I (after all, they taught me) so I'll just leave this as emphasis.
-Good job :p

As far as votes go, my vote goes to Impious.

Impious
03-06-2015, 07:12 PM
"Itadakimasu" is a prayer you say before you eat in Japan. Thanks for all your CnC Malacal its pretty dependable

Matthew Murphy
03-06-2015, 08:04 PM
Well, Spyrix and Impious. Try asking yourself, "What do I feel when I read my battle?".

Chamel
03-08-2015, 09:12 PM
My vote goes to Impious.

CNC


-Up front, my biggest issue with your story is the spacing. I know Ken already pointed it out, but I would like to reiterate his point. What you have written is just one big wall of text, which, at first glance, can seem intimidating, or even boring. Make sure to use the enter key when separating paragraphs; it will save a lot of people from simply skimming over your story to try and conquer the wall of text.

-Secondly, you need to learn to space your sentences better. Dialogue mixed in with actions is really confusing, and frankly it seems downright lazy (even if it weren't intentional). Along with this, you should learn when and where to put commas, periods, and other varying forms of punctuation.

-The last huge issue I had with your story was capitalization. Starts of sentences, names, places, etc. All of those should be capitalized. You even forgot to capitalize Electroid..

In general, most of your writing problems come down to one thing : appearance. It might seem strange for a written story to have an appearance, but everyone feels less likely to try and read through a blatant wall of text than they would a well spaced paragraph. Even the other components that I listed off give the story a good appearance: punctuation and capitalization. So just keep that in mind when you go at it again with someone, and the rest will come.

(Decent for a first time though! Keep pushing forward, man!)


As for Impious, I feel as if Malacal has already told you what I planned on saying myself. If you would still like my input, just let me know and I would be more than happy to lend a hand~

---
If either of you have any questions about what I've discussed, or would like me to go more in depth, don't be shy to ask questions!
---

Pretty well done for a couple of newbies to the Writer's Lounge scene~ Good job you two. Hope to see more of your works at a later date!

(On a side note, I'd like to point out that the usage of the term "man" can be applied to all genders, seeing as it is more of a term of endearment than a blatant disregard to someones sex~)

Malacal
03-08-2015, 10:06 PM
My vote goes to Impious.
As for Impious, I feel as if Malacal has already told you what I planned on saying myself.
This makes me feel smart. Much thank.

"Itadakimasu" is a prayer you say before you eat in Japan.
Oh okay then, I thought I was missing out on something important for a second.
In an alternate universe, Narkiss is saying "Come lord Jesus, be our guest. Let thy gifts to us be blessed. Amen" :p

Ken_Rou
03-08-2015, 11:55 PM
This makes me feel smart. Much thank.

Oh okay then, I thought I was missing out on something important for a second.
In an alternate universe, Narkiss is saying "Come lord Jesus, be our guest. Let thy gifts to us be blessed. Amen" :p

Basically lol. The only difference is that the word "itadakimasu" is not related to religion at all. It's basically giving thanks to the person who made their food.

Urako
03-09-2015, 02:25 PM
Spyrix. Sorry, but i'm going to have to vote for Impious.

Spyrix
03-09-2015, 03:39 PM
Spyrix. Sorry, but i'm going to have to vote for Impious. Im back and when I challenge someone I will win

Urako
03-09-2015, 03:57 PM
Im back and when I challenge someone I will win

I hope your ready then, because i'm coming for you next.

Vern
03-09-2015, 04:57 PM
My vote goes to Impious. Both stories were moderately short though I can't demand too much from newer people, so that's okay :)

I found Impious's story softer on the eye, smoother to read and generally more enjoyable, though it felt as if Electroid never really stood a chance from the very beginning in (her?) story, perhaps something to look out for in the future.

As for CnC, I have little to add to what has already been said. Nice work both of you and keep it up ^^

Malacal
03-09-2015, 05:57 PM
Oh and children (and I don't care if you're both 90+ years old, I will refer to my internet peers as "children" unless I look up to them)
Although I don't think it is an enforced rule, the typical time for voting is one week.
Granted, you certainly have lots more votes than I get in my battles. XD

Vern
03-09-2015, 06:21 PM
Oh and children (and I don't care if you're both 90+ years old, I will refer to my internet peers as "children" unless I look up to them)
Although I don't think it is an enforced rule, the typical time for voting is one week.
Granted, you certainly have lots more votes than I get in my battles. XD

Yes, I'm jealous of the attention they've gotten too 3:<
Speaking of which, I haven't seen you vote or reply for my battle with Caelo :c

Impious
03-09-2015, 06:39 PM
I'm the rookie of 2015

Malacal
03-09-2015, 09:22 PM
I'm the rookie of 2015

You have stiff competition. We got a slew of them recently.
Which is odd that we go a really long time with nobody joining and then now we just got like 6 or so new people.

devi
03-09-2015, 09:24 PM
Most people don't exactly come to StickPage for the writers lounge.

Matthew Murphy
03-10-2015, 04:34 PM
Most people don't exactly come to StickPage for the writers lounge.

I do.

Ken_Rou
03-10-2015, 06:02 PM
I'm the rookie of 2015

Just as a friendly warning... Make sure you have the proof behind what you say.

Malacal
03-10-2015, 10:24 PM
Most people don't exactly come to StickPage for the writers lounge.

I'll mindlessly repeat the same idea as Chai and say I did.
Now for the intelligent part: It's more the fact we just got a ton of people that surprises me, I've noticed that not very many people join this section of the forum.

acutelatios
03-11-2015, 01:53 AM
Of course not, an animation site for stickfigures is not really a proper place for writers haha~

I just find it interesting for the sudden increase, and that they're active. Though how they'll fair in the long run is something I'm mostly curious about~

Anyways, I enjoyed both your battles very much~keep it up dearies~
o w o

Impious
03-11-2015, 09:12 AM
I came for the lounge. Notice my first post was in here.

Vern
03-11-2015, 09:17 AM
*hops onto the train*

I came for the lounge too c: (though not originally...)

Matthew Murphy
03-11-2015, 05:39 PM
Welcome aboard!

Spyrix
03-14-2015, 10:25 AM
I'm the rookie of 2015

Think all you want but when we get a rematch I promise you I will win from the loss I got from this match but for now lookout for Electroid vs dozer