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View Full Version : Dozer Vs Electroid



Urako
03-14-2015, 02:18 PM
The voting will end in a week. I hope you had fun Spyrix, and may the best writer win.



Rhg no.2: Spyrix vs Urako

I wake up and hear a loud noise, I think it’s the police but then I realize it’s my alarm. I attempt to hit the snooze button but nothing happens.


I get up and realize I don’t have an alarm clock but an iphone and I just cracked it.


I suddenly get a phone call.


“Hello? Uh hi Electroid I need you to do something; Battle Dozer.”


“Seriously! I got shot in the head by a zombie and luckily I healed Spyrix!”


“Yeah whatever” Spyrix says as I drop my jaw with a mad expression.


“Well I heard that they’ll give 1000$ for the winner” Spyrix says.


“REALLY” I say with excitement.


He replies saying “Haha JK Good luck”


I jump out of my bed and get ready. I head outside and walk around the city to find dozer.


As I walk down the street I hear a bunch of screaming behind me I just ignore it. The screaming got closer and when I turned around a bunch of people were rushing at me and I got caught in the wave of people.


I try to escape the wave but nothing happens so I try to push my way out and I end up in a bar.


“here have a glass of vodka” a drunk man says in front of me.


I try to run but he pulls me and forces me to drink a whole glass of vodka.


I see Dozer banging on the bar door telling me to fight.


I run outside and smash into a pole.


“Dude! What took you so long!” Dozer shouted.


“I got drunk” We pause for a few seconds. “I never wanted to!” I shout with a slurred voice.


“Whatever. that’s going to be easier for me anyway” He says happily.


We both put our arms up in a fighting stance wait no. I’m slouching like a zombie did I get bit by narkiss? Nevermind. We both get ready to fight.


Dozer takes out his staff and holds it up in front of him and charges it up. I can’t seem to make out what colour it is, so I get closer to see it but then I see a flash purple in my eyes and I get blasted backwards and it hurt.


“I hate mondays” I say.


I open my eyes and I see him running up to me ready to blast me again.


I hold out my hand to shoot a lightning bolt at his staff and it hit. He jumps up to shoot a kinetic charge at me but nothing happens.


I was feeling less drunk but I noticed that I can disable his staff using electricity.


Before he came crashing down with his staff I took my leg and kicked him off before he can do any damage to me.


“Let’s do this. round 3 drunken style, wait I mean round 2 drunken style.” I say.


We both pause for a moment for a dramatic effect.


I create my electric whips while dozer charges ups to me.


I attempt to whip him twice but he dodges them fluidly each whip I do.


As soon as he almost reaches me I turn the whip into a sword and take the other whip and absorb it’s electricity.


He takes a slash at me but I block it with my sword and kick him in the gut and follow it up with a slash to the face and then finish it up with an uppercut to the jaw.


As he falls to the ground he takes his staff and fires a purple kinetic charge at me.


Light was blinding and once it faded I see dozer in front of me.


He charges his staff again and the glow is blue.


He attempts to swing at me but I dodge it while doing the limbo.


While I do the limbo I kick him in the gut and he flinches a bit.


While the glow is still there Dozer jumped and kicked me in the face twice and then stabs me with the staff but it doesn’t pierce my skin.


While he stabbed me he blasted me right in the gut and I fell backward.


I start feeling something in my stomach I get up and think it’s nothing so I create a sword and we both attempt to push each other with our weapon.


Once we push each other back I puked a lot and it went all over dozer’s face.


He rubs his eyes to get it all out but the puke was shocking literally.


He went blind for a few seconds so I went up to him and grabbed him on the neck. Not hard I’m not that evil. And then I slam him to the ground.


I attempt to jump on him but he takes his staff and blasts me with a red kinetic blast.


He got a headshot, I fell to the ground. getting hit by that blast was like drowning while being unable to see.


I pick myself up and see dozer walking away.


“I’m not done yet!” I shout.


I analyze his staff and copy it with my electricity.


I feel drained I can only shoot one charge before I need an electrical source.


I put the staff in front of me and attempt to charge it. nothing happens.


“How do you work this thing!” I shout I take the staff and throw it to the ground.


Once I dropped the staff Dozer ran up to me and kicked me in the right leg which made me fall and before I hit the ground he fired a purple kinetic blast and it sent me flying back.


I stand up and I go up to a traffic light and drain it’s electricity.


I charge up my hands and shoot a giant lightning bolt.


He charges his staff and blasts a red kinetic blast.


We watch as our energy blasts clash, hard.


Both blasts exploded into smoke.


He wonders where I am and then as he stares at the smoke cloud where the blasts used to be.


Dozer sees me appear from the smoke with my whip.


I whip Dozer hard to the face and then I grab dozer with my whip and throw him up into the sky.


I jump up to and whip him once again in the air and then I kick him in the face 3 times and then turn the whip into a hammer and the smash him to the ground.


I use my static electricity to fall without any pain and then when I landed he punches me directly to the face.


As I go flying from the punch he shoots a blue kinetic ball at me but I turn my hammer into a shield and blocked it.


He comes at me and punches me in the face again and then when he’s in the air he kicks me twice and then he creates a blue kinetic energy ball on the staff and then he slashes me with his staff.


I stand my ground but then he blasts me with the energy ball and then I get pushed back a lot.


As I get back up again I overload my body with electricity and then I rocket towards him.


He attempts to block me with a kinetic blast but I’m just too powerful and then I smash him into a wall.


I stand up and see dozer with his back against the wall I think he’s dead but it’s hard to tell.


I see twitching but he can’t get up.


“Hey that was fun. I can’t feel my bones.” Dozer says


“Yeah. Hey when I first battled I fought a zombie with big guns literally.”


“Did you win?” Dozer asked.


“Maybe, maybe not.”


I give him a hand and I took him to a hospital.


When I get back home I lay back on my bed to rest after the fight.


As I slowly fall asleep I hear a phone call


.“Hello? Uh hi Electroid I need you to do something; Battle Dozer.” Spyrix says.


Wait a minute this sounds familiar... Nooooooooo!


RHG 1#: Dozer Vs. Electroid:

A young man was walking down the littered streets of Rock Hard City. He was fair skinned with black hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, Blue Jeans, and of course, his gold cross necklace. His name was Derrick Ozer, but most people went by his RHG name Dozer.

He looked down at the piece of paper he had been given. He was to face someone named Electroid at the 12th East subway station at precisely three P.M. It didn’t take a genius to guess what Electroid’s power was and Derrick knew that. He arrived at the entrance and looked around one last time before going down the stairs. Traffic was light, people were walking by, various buildings, and a cool breeze permeated the air. To be perfectly fair, the guy was a bit nervous. It was his first official fight after all. Knowing he might not return to the surface alive, he took one last deep breath and sighed.

The things I do for you Rachel…

He went down the stairs. The air was stuffier than out there, but that was to be expected. He saw a large room lit only by five weak fluorescent lights. It has four parallel support beams next to the track each old and cracked. There was also a row of benches along the wall full of people waiting for the subway train to get there. He took another glance and saw his opponent. He matched the description perfectly. Black shaggy hair, turquoise eyes, and slightly tanned. Several things went through Dozer’s mind, but above all of his thoughts, the main one was him consciously commanding himself to keep calm.

How can I clear everyone out of here before he notices I’m here?

The answer came almost as quickly as the question. He took out his Kinetic staff and fired a green charge at the roof. The light and noise echoed throughout the station and as expected, everyone except for his opponent ran for their lives. He was right. Fear was a powerful thing. At once, his opponent hopped up.

“It’s about time you got here Dozer. That is your name isn’t it?”

“Not exactly, but I doubt you care. Are you ready?”

“I’ve been ready.”

Derrick started charging his staff and it seemed that his opponent was charging something as well. It was undoubtedly a bolt of electricity. But before he had fired it, Dozer easily dodged behind a pillar.

“You’re going to have to do better than that.”

He looked out and fired a now blue charge only to realize nothing was there.

Now where’d he-

His answer was a painful kick in the back that shoved him forward. He caught himself and turned around fast enough to block a lightning bolt with his staff, but it still knocked him back. His opponent formed an electrical whip and tried to hit him, but he recovered dodged to the right this time barely avoiding getting hit. Dozer sprung into action lunging forward and hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff. He then tried to empty a charge only to realize it wasn’t there.

Uh-oh.

Electroid kicked him to the ground, which kicked up dust everywhere. He then slashed him with his whip. It cut Dozer a little but the main trauma came from the voltage it carried. If Derrick wasn’t dying, he sure felt like it. He let out a scream of pain. This wasn’t over. He wanted to know what caused the staff to malfunction. His opponent punched him in the face and tried to punch him in the gut, but he kicked his opponent away from him and grabbed his staff.

“Enough of this.” Said his Opponent. “I’m ending it here and now.”

The whip dissipated, but volts of energy flowed from the now flickering light bulbs and into his opponent’s fingertips. He was drawing energy out of the lights. Derrick tried in vain to stop him, but the lights flickered off and he became unable to see him. Another light illuminated the room, but not one he wanted. It was a glowing sword coming right down at him. He backed up just in time to avoid it and dodged two more slashes until he backed up into a pillar. Desperately, he glanced at his staff. The kinetic charges started working again. He fired a green charge at his adversary’s torso and followed with a blue charge to the head. Electroid stumbled back dazed.

Now it’s time to end this.

Dozer followed up with several blows from his staff. Finally, he smacked his opponent’s head into one of the pillars. He jabbed Electroid in the torso and caused a sickening cracking noise. He prepared to follow up with a hit to the face, but something caught his arm. It was his opponent. His Adversary let out an electrical shock that temporarily paralyzed Derrick with pain. As Electroid fell to the ground and dropped his staff, the lights started to flicker back on. He picked the Dozer up and prepared to slit his throat when the sound of a distant subway train met his ears. And a thought occurred to him.

If I do a special finishing move, that might mean more fans or even support from the system like more information on my next opponent. That would be helpful in fights to come.

“Sorry for this.”

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. His opponent held Dozer’s head out for the oncoming train. The noise got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him.

“Good game Dozer.”

Derrick kicked Electroid’s right leg out and got out of the way of the train just in time. He felt the wind of it as it went roaring past. He thought it was supposed to stop, but it just kept going. Not that it mattered though. He kicked his opponent in the rib cage causing him to stagger backwards and then ran for his staff. But his opponent recovered and fired a bolt of electricity at him. Dozer jumped over the shot and rolled to his staff. By that time, Electroid was already charging and him with the energy sword he had. He was resilient no doubt of that. Dozer charged his staff and slashed at him. However he was blocked and once again his charges shorted out. This time though, he realized that it was the electricity. His aggressor countered with a few slashes of his own, but Dozer managed to back away from the first swing and block the last few. His opponent kicked him, but he blocked it and punched his aggressor in the face. He blocked a counter from Electroid and then kicked him in the groin followed by a staff poke and a strike to his opponent’s right arm. He heard it snap and started to grin.

Electroid’s sword dissipated as he clutched his arm in pain. Dozer kicked his opponent in the gut and hit him on the shoulder with his staff. He came around to hit him over the head, but his opponent created a shield and pushed him back. Then Electroid backed up from him trying to put as much distance between the two of them as possible, dissipated the shield, and started firing bolts of electricity. Derrick charged at him jumping over one electrical bolt, ducking under another one, and then blocking the last one. His adversary tried to fire one last bolt of electricity, but he was too close. He hit his opponent in the head with his staff knocking him into a pillar. Dozer grabbed his head and banged it against a pillar breaking his nose and sending blood everywhere. Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall and hit him with his staff as soon as he bounced off it. Derrick’s adversary landed on the tracks unconscious.

The young man felt relieved. He was going to live to see another day. But with that can the question of what he was going to do with the unconscious man. He could just leave him there to die. The man was out cold on the subway tracks and the next train would definitely run him over before he woke up or someone else arrived to save him. He would die and Derrick wouldn’t have to lift a finger. Besides that, hadn’t he tried to do something very similar to him? But in truth, the man already knew the answer to his question so he put away his staff and carried out his decision…

Electroid woke up in a passenger seat of a car. A sense of relief rushed over him as he took in the fresh air and saw the road. He looked over at the driver’s side and saw his opponent.

“What are you doing?”

Then came a reply from the driver.

“Well, you shorted out my cell phone and every phone in nearby so I’m taking you to the hospital myself. Good fight by the way. You should have seen the look on your face at the end though.”

With that, the driver started to chuckle.

“I got knocked out on a subway track. All you had to do was walk away and I would die. So why did you let me live back there?”

“That’s easy. You clearly didn’t want to die and you were incapable of saving yourself, so what was I supposed to do?”

“Well most people would’ve let me die.”

“I’m not most people. I didn’t join this program to kill innocent people and I do consider you to be innocent. Sure you tried to kill me in a rather sociopathic way-”

“Yeah sorry about that.”

“But you were just trying to defend yourself.”

“So why did you join?”

“My sister was kidnapped by a psychopath named Decks and I’m here to save her.”

The car stopped at the entrance, and they got out. Dozer then helped his opponent walk into the building. It was your typical hospital with white walls and a sterile atmosphere. They went up to the receptionist and Dozer checked him in. Within a few minutes, doctors arrived to take him to an X-ray room for medical examination.

“It’s just a broken arm.”
“Lets face it Electroid, you can barely stand.” replied Dozer.

With that, Derrick’s opponent started to leave. But he remembered something and turned around one last time.

“So what’s your real name?”

And with that, the guy smiled and replied

“Derrick Ozer. If you need me, give me a call.”

The, he handed his opponent a letter.

“I’ll check on you in a few weeks.”

Derrick then turned around and walked out of the entrance happy to be alive. It was difficult, but he survived. And maybe found a new ally too. He was confident that if this were a precursor of what’s to come, he would be able to find his sister. Maybe his life was turning around for the better. As he got into his car and drove off the hospital grounds, he had one last thought on his mind.

The things I do for you Rachel…


We're both new here, but we hope you still enjoy reading these.

Matthew Murphy
03-14-2015, 06:45 PM
OH MY GOD!!!

Spyrix, you improved quick! I must say that I enjoyed reading your part as with each battle you fight, you improve impressively!

As for Urako... I'll put 'em on ma hitlist.

Forgot to mention, maybe you should put a link to each character's thread or write a summary of their ability so that others can get a clue on what they can do.

Urako
03-14-2015, 08:22 PM
OH MY GOD!!!

Spyrix, you improved quick! I must say that I enjoyed reading your part as with each battle you fight, you improve impressively!

As for Urako... I'll put 'em on ma hitlist.

Forgot to mention, maybe you should put a link to each character's thread or write a summary of their ability so that others can get a clue on what they can do.

Your link doesn't seem to be working.

Vern
03-14-2015, 08:54 PM
Forgot to mention, maybe you should put a link to each character's thread or write a summary of their ability so that others can get a clue on what they can do.

I should do this more often.

Anyways! Nice to see that people are getting at it so quickly. Let me just go ahead and leave this here for ya two :


I'm sorry but I'll post my feedback at another time, it's 3 AM and I'm too tired to think straight lol. Fine work both of you. I'll be making my vote after the CnC as I think I'll have to read both again to make a proper choice ^^.



Gets drunk after one glass of vodka?

http://i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad210/cuterman/americans.jpg

Urako
03-14-2015, 10:34 PM
Gets drunk after one glass of vodka?

http://i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad210/cuterman/americans.jpg


To be fair, only Spyrix knows what that Vodka was spiked with...

Matthew Murphy
03-15-2015, 03:55 AM
To be fair, only Spyrix knows what that Vodka was spiked with...

I don't quite get what you mean.

Explain.

Spyrix
03-15-2015, 09:06 AM
When I meant a whole glass of vodka I meant like a whole glass not a shot just to get that cleared.

Urako
03-15-2015, 10:17 AM
I don't quite get what you mean.

Explain.

Sometimes at wild parties or celebrations, people put additional drugs in drinks.

Vern
03-15-2015, 10:18 AM
When I meant a whole glass of vodka I meant like a whole glass not a shot just to get that cleared.

My point remains :)

Matthew Murphy
03-15-2015, 10:32 AM
I expect WafflesMgee for a CnC here. Where is he?

RichardLongflop
03-15-2015, 11:36 AM
I expect WafflesMgee for a CnC here. Where is he?

any offence I cause shall now be passed on to this guy, I am not liable for any offence taken thank u.

First off, your formatting is abysmal. If you open both stories had spare a quick glance at either, Urako already wins. This formatting limits you a lot.

"“Seriously! I got shot in the head by a zombie and luckily I healed Spyrix!”" what? you have a self insert? lol

"“REALLY” I say with excitement." Don't use caps in speech. "Really!?" is a good replacement.

"He replies saying “Haha JK Good luck” " people actually say JK? Lol.

wow here's a glass of vodka drink it now oyu're drunk lol. Master of detail.

"We both put our arms up in a fighting stance wait no." very fluid I see no problems with this wait no. You need to detail stuff up a lot more, son. This is a big problem. You want to write a sentence, press enter, write another. Noooo. Make paragraphs. Make stuff link together. This is just painful to read.

"I can’t seem to make out what colour it is, so I get closer to see it but then I see a flash purple in my eyes and I get blasted backwards and it hurt." You said "and" twice. Only use "and" once, and just use commas before it. And "A flash purple"? don't you mean "a flash of purple"

"“I hate mondays” I say." OH GARFIELD

"Before he came crashing down with his staff I took my leg and kicked him off before he can do any damage to me." you took your leg, just like that? Just sorta grabbed it and lifted it up before it could get hit?

"We both pause for a moment for a dramatic effect." oh come on please no no. do the dramatic effect in your writing don't fuckin' outright state it god damn.

"he dodges them fluidly each whip I do" ngh


Your biggest problem is that you're in love with a sentence-at-a-time structure. It's bogus and not radical al all. You have no detail. You can't set scenes well. You give yourself no room to write well. I don't even know what you're trying to accomplish with this. You're not writing a story here, you're writing summaries of events for people with incredibly small attention spans. And this is your second fight? I can only fathom what the first one was like. I can't go on any more. I can't do it. I can't.

OH GOD YES GOOD FORMATTING THIS IS LIKE COOL WATER SPLASHED ONTO MY BURNING EYES, IT SOOTHES ME, IT CLEANSES ME. THANK THE GODS.

"A young man was walking down the littered streets of Rock Hard City. He was fair skinned with black hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, Blue Jeans, and of course, his gold cross necklace. His name was Derrick Ozer, but most people went by his RHG name Dozer." Some honest-to-goodness description. I read like twenty lines into Spyrix's thing, but after reading these three sentences from yours I instantly gave the point to you.

"He looked down at the piece of paper he had been given. He was to face someone named Electroid at the 12th East subway station at precisely three P.M. It didn’t take a genius to guess what Electroid’s power was and Derrick knew that." Though you have formatting, your sentences are rather straight forward and bland like Spyrix's. It's a good idea to proof read your stuff a day after doing it so you can look at it with new eyes. For instance, you could spice it up with adding a bit of speech. You could have Dozer mumble "Electroid, huh? Doesn't take a genius to guess what your power is," as he reads.

"The things I do for you Rachel…" Comma that bitch up. Get ridda that misused ellipsis. "The things I do for you, Rachel."

"It has four parallel support beams next to the track each old and cracked." COMMA TIME "It had four parallel support beams next to the track, each one old and cracked."

"It’s about time you got here Dozer." You need to read these things out in your head, imagining how people would actually say them. You need to use commas more. There'd be a comma after the "here" in it, some small pause before saying the name.

"But before he had fired it, Dozer easily dodged behind a pillar." how can you dodge what has not yet been fired? Just say that, in preperation for the attack, he ducked behind a pillar.

"but he recovered dodged to the right this time barely avoiding getting hit." this is a mess. "he recovered, dodging to the right, the attack barely hitting him."

"Dozer sprung into action lunging forward and hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." Comma. "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." How about some word changes? "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, slamming his staff into his opponent's chest." THAT sounds solid.

" Said his Opponent." no need to capitalise Opponent.

"Derrick tried in vain to stop him, but the lights flickered off and he became unable to see him." you say it's in vain before talking about what he's trying to do. Not good. You could say "Derrick tried to stop him, but as he moved he was suddenly surrounded in darkness, the lights around him shutting off."

"He felt the wind of it as it went roaring past." Roaring past the back of his head. Make it sound closer, adds effect.

"Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall and hit him with his staff as soon as he bounced off it." You're typing things out of sequence. In a fight like this it should go 1, 2, 3, not 1, 3, 2. "Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall, letting his opponent bounce off before dealing a final blow with his staff."

"Well, you shorted out my cell phone and every phone in nearby " in nearby? don't you mean "nearby" or "in the nearby area"

So you had a fight with a guy and you ended up friends. Personally, no matter how good of a sport I am, if a guy came at me and tried to throw me in front of a train I'd be a bit too miffed to consider him a friend, not this quickly anyway.


Well, I consider this story the better of the two by far. Hopefully I've been helpful.

Spyrix, you have, uh, a lot of room for improvement. And Urako, good job. Nice read.

Urako
03-15-2015, 12:51 PM
any offence I cause shall now be passed on to this guy, I am not liable for any offence taken thank u.

First off, your formatting is abysmal. If you open both stories had spare a quick glance at either, Urako already wins. This formatting limits you a lot.

"“Seriously! I got shot in the head by a zombie and luckily I healed Spyrix!”" what? you have a self insert? lol

"“REALLY” I say with excitement." Don't use caps in speech. "Really!?" is a good replacement.

"He replies saying “Haha JK Good luck” " people actually say JK? Lol.

wow here's a glass of vodka drink it now oyu're drunk lol. Master of detail.

"We both put our arms up in a fighting stance wait no." very fluid I see no problems with this wait no. You need to detail stuff up a lot more, son. This is a big problem. You want to write a sentence, press enter, write another. Noooo. Make paragraphs. Make stuff link together. This is just painful to read.

"I can’t seem to make out what colour it is, so I get closer to see it but then I see a flash purple in my eyes and I get blasted backwards and it hurt." You said "and" twice. Only use "and" once, and just use commas before it. And "A flash purple"? don't you mean "a flash of purple"

"“I hate mondays” I say." OH GARFIELD

"Before he came crashing down with his staff I took my leg and kicked him off before he can do any damage to me." you took your leg, just like that? Just sorta grabbed it and lifted it up before it could get hit?

"We both pause for a moment for a dramatic effect." oh come on please no no. do the dramatic effect in your writing don't fuckin' outright state it god damn.

"he dodges them fluidly each whip I do" ngh


Your biggest problem is that you're in love with a sentence-at-a-time structure. It's bogus and not radical al all. You have no detail. You can't set scenes well. You give yourself no room to write well. I don't even know what you're trying to accomplish with this. You're not writing a story here, you're writing summaries of events for people with incredibly small attention spans. And this is your second fight? I can only fathom what the first one was like. I can't go on any more. I can't do it. I can't.

OH GOD YES GOOD FORMATTING THIS IS LIKE COOL WATER SPLASHED ONTO MY BURNING EYES, IT SOOTHES ME, IT CLEANSES ME. THANK THE GODS.

"A young man was walking down the littered streets of Rock Hard City. He was fair skinned with black hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, Blue Jeans, and of course, his gold cross necklace. His name was Derrick Ozer, but most people went by his RHG name Dozer." Some honest-to-goodness description. I read like twenty lines into Spyrix's thing, but after reading these three sentences from yours I instantly gave the point to you.

"He looked down at the piece of paper he had been given. He was to face someone named Electroid at the 12th East subway station at precisely three P.M. It didn’t take a genius to guess what Electroid’s power was and Derrick knew that." Though you have formatting, your sentences are rather straight forward and bland like Spyrix's. It's a good idea to proof read your stuff a day after doing it so you can look at it with new eyes. For instance, you could spice it up with adding a bit of speech. You could have Dozer mumble "Electroid, huh? Doesn't take a genius to guess what your power is," as he reads.

"The things I do for you Rachel…" Comma that bitch up. Get ridda that misused ellipsis. "The things I do for you, Rachel."

"It has four parallel support beams next to the track each old and cracked." COMMA TIME "It had four parallel support beams next to the track, each one old and cracked."

"It’s about time you got here Dozer." You need to read these things out in your head, imagining how people would actually say them. You need to use commas more. There'd be a comma after the "here" in it, some small pause before saying the name.

"But before he had fired it, Dozer easily dodged behind a pillar." how can you dodge what has not yet been fired? Just say that, in preperation for the attack, he ducked behind a pillar.

"but he recovered dodged to the right this time barely avoiding getting hit." this is a mess. "he recovered, dodging to the right, the attack barely hitting him."

"Dozer sprung into action lunging forward and hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." Comma. "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." How about some word changes? "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, slamming his staff into his opponent's chest." THAT sounds solid.

" Said his Opponent." no need to capitalise Opponent.

"Derrick tried in vain to stop him, but the lights flickered off and he became unable to see him." you say it's in vain before talking about what he's trying to do. Not good. You could say "Derrick tried to stop him, but as he moved he was suddenly surrounded in darkness, the lights around him shutting off."

"He felt the wind of it as it went roaring past." Roaring past the back of his head. Make it sound closer, adds effect.

"Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall and hit him with his staff as soon as he bounced off it." You're typing things out of sequence. In a fight like this it should go 1, 2, 3, not 1, 3, 2. "Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall, letting his opponent bounce off before dealing a final blow with his staff."

"Well, you shorted out my cell phone and every phone in nearby " in nearby? don't you mean "nearby" or "in the nearby area"

So you had a fight with a guy and you ended up friends. Personally, no matter how good of a sport I am, if a guy came at me and tried to throw me in front of a train I'd be a bit too miffed to consider him a friend, not this quickly anyway.


Well, I consider this story the better of the two by far. Hopefully I've been helpful.

Spyrix, you have, uh, a lot of room for improvement. And Urako, good job. Nice read.

I did re-read it. Obviously, i missed a few things though. And i never said are characters were friends. Dozer is just some guy Electroid barely knows who drove him to a hospital. They might become friends, but that's up to Spyrix to decide and it will take a week or two in wRHG time.

Lastly, your advice has been and is still very helpful. At least it is to me.

Spyrix
03-15-2015, 01:23 PM
any offence I cause shall now be passed on to this guy, I am not liable for any offence taken thank u.

First off, your formatting is abysmal. If you open both stories had spare a quick glance at either, Urako already wins. This formatting limits you a lot.

"“Seriously! I got shot in the head by a zombie and luckily I healed Spyrix!”" what? you have a self insert? lol

"“REALLY” I say with excitement." Don't use caps in speech. "Really!?" is a good replacement.

"He replies saying “Haha JK Good luck” " people actually say JK? Lol.

wow here's a glass of vodka drink it now oyu're drunk lol. Master of detail.

"We both put our arms up in a fighting stance wait no." very fluid I see no problems with this wait no. You need to detail stuff up a lot more, son. This is a big problem. You want to write a sentence, press enter, write another. Noooo. Make paragraphs. Make stuff link together. This is just painful to read.

"I can’t seem to make out what colour it is, so I get closer to see it but then I see a flash purple in my eyes and I get blasted backwards and it hurt." You said "and" twice. Only use "and" once, and just use commas before it. And "A flash purple"? don't you mean "a flash of purple"

"“I hate mondays” I say." OH GARFIELD

"Before he came crashing down with his staff I took my leg and kicked him off before he can do any damage to me." you took your leg, just like that? Just sorta grabbed it and lifted it up before it could get hit?

"We both pause for a moment for a dramatic effect." oh come on please no no. do the dramatic effect in your writing don't fuckin' outright state it god damn.

"he dodges them fluidly each whip I do" ngh


Your biggest problem is that you're in love with a sentence-at-a-time structure. It's bogus and not radical al all. You have no detail. You can't set scenes well. You give yourself no room to write well. I don't even know what you're trying to accomplish with this. You're not writing a story here, you're writing summaries of events for people with incredibly small attention spans. And this is your second fight? I can only fathom what the first one was like. I can't go on any more. I can't do it. I can't.

OH GOD YES GOOD FORMATTING THIS IS LIKE COOL WATER SPLASHED ONTO MY BURNING EYES, IT SOOTHES ME, IT CLEANSES ME. THANK THE GODS.

"A young man was walking down the littered streets of Rock Hard City. He was fair skinned with black hair and brown eyes. He was wearing a yellow T-shirt, Blue Jeans, and of course, his gold cross necklace. His name was Derrick Ozer, but most people went by his RHG name Dozer." Some honest-to-goodness description. I read like twenty lines into Spyrix's thing, but after reading these three sentences from yours I instantly gave the point to you.

"He looked down at the piece of paper he had been given. He was to face someone named Electroid at the 12th East subway station at precisely three P.M. It didn’t take a genius to guess what Electroid’s power was and Derrick knew that." Though you have formatting, your sentences are rather straight forward and bland like Spyrix's. It's a good idea to proof read your stuff a day after doing it so you can look at it with new eyes. For instance, you could spice it up with adding a bit of speech. You could have Dozer mumble "Electroid, huh? Doesn't take a genius to guess what your power is," as he reads.

"The things I do for you Rachel…" Comma that bitch up. Get ridda that misused ellipsis. "The things I do for you, Rachel."

"It has four parallel support beams next to the track each old and cracked." COMMA TIME "It had four parallel support beams next to the track, each one old and cracked."

"It’s about time you got here Dozer." You need to read these things out in your head, imagining how people would actually say them. You need to use commas more. There'd be a comma after the "here" in it, some small pause before saying the name.

"But before he had fired it, Dozer easily dodged behind a pillar." how can you dodge what has not yet been fired? Just say that, in preperation for the attack, he ducked behind a pillar.

"but he recovered dodged to the right this time barely avoiding getting hit." this is a mess. "he recovered, dodging to the right, the attack barely hitting him."

"Dozer sprung into action lunging forward and hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." Comma. "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, hitting his opponent in the torso with his staff." How about some word changes? "Dozer sprung into action, lunging forward, slamming his staff into his opponent's chest." THAT sounds solid.

" Said his Opponent." no need to capitalise Opponent.

"Derrick tried in vain to stop him, but the lights flickered off and he became unable to see him." you say it's in vain before talking about what he's trying to do. Not good. You could say "Derrick tried to stop him, but as he moved he was suddenly surrounded in darkness, the lights around him shutting off."

"He felt the wind of it as it went roaring past." Roaring past the back of his head. Make it sound closer, adds effect.

"Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall and hit him with his staff as soon as he bounced off it." You're typing things out of sequence. In a fight like this it should go 1, 2, 3, not 1, 3, 2. "Finally, he threw Electroid into the wall, letting his opponent bounce off before dealing a final blow with his staff."

"Well, you shorted out my cell phone and every phone in nearby " in nearby? don't you mean "nearby" or "in the nearby area"

So you had a fight with a guy and you ended up friends. Personally, no matter how good of a sport I am, if a guy came at me and tried to throw me in front of a train I'd be a bit too miffed to consider him a friend, not this quickly anyway.


Well, I consider this story the better of the two by far. Hopefully I've been helpful.

Spyrix, you have, uh, a lot of room for improvement. And Urako, good job. Nice read.I don't know what you're like in reality but with the way you criticize me makes it sound like... I don't know. I'm sorry for having to make you criticize this piece of "garbage". That's what I assume you think it is so you don't have to do this for me anymore because I learn by myself and all I need is just someone to tell me what I can improve on not this. This is usually how I learn to do things I throw in a couple of things if it doesn't work I ask what I'm doing wrong and done I learned how to do it. This is my depressed/bored side of me I'm usually more happy but before I moved schools I used to be the one in groups and having fun everyday but then when I moved I'm just the guy in the background. People know me but they just don't talk to me. Every time I write something it represents how I feel so if I lose I know what I'm going to write in the next rhg.

Urako
03-15-2015, 03:42 PM
I don't know what you're like in reality but with the way you criticize me makes it sound like... I don't know. I'm sorry for having to make you criticize this piece of "garbage". That's what I assume you think it is so you don't have to do this for me anymore because I learn by myself and all I need is just someone to tell me what I can improve on not this. This is usually how I learn to do things I throw in a couple of things if it doesn't work I ask what I'm doing wrong and done I learned how to do it. This is my depressed/bored side of me I'm usually more happy but before I moved schools I used to be the one in groups and having fun everyday but then when I moved I'm just the guy in the background. People know me but they just don't talk to me. Every time I write something it represents how I feel so if I lose I know what I'm going to write in the next rhg.

You don't need to be depressed. I've read your other battles and i see a steady improvement.

RichardLongflop
03-15-2015, 03:53 PM
I don't know what you're like in reality but with the way you criticize me makes it sound like... I don't know. I'm sorry for having to make you criticize this piece of "garbage". That's what I assume you think it is so you don't have to do this for me anymore because I learn by myself and all I need is just someone to tell me what I can improve on not this. This is usually how I learn to do things I throw in a couple of things if it doesn't work I ask what I'm doing wrong and done I learned how to do it. This is my depressed/bored side of me I'm usually more happy but before I moved schools I used to be the one in groups and having fun everyday but then when I moved I'm just the guy in the background. People know me but they just don't talk to me. Every time I write something it represents how I feel so if I lose I know what I'm going to write in the next rhg.

I'm sorry about all I've said. I am. But you need to not focus on writing like popular authors or whatever you said before you edited your message, and write in a way that everyone can be comfortable with. How you wrote it was not easy to the eyes. I'm not saying it's rubbish, I'm just saying it's hard to enjoy such a thing when it looks like it does. I'm one who criticises presentation rather than contents.


If you're wanting to throw out some emotion-riddled works, why not try opening an OLit thread? Sure, not many people bother reading OLit, but it lets you get your stuff out your head.

Matthew Murphy
03-15-2015, 05:37 PM
How are you able to use profanity? Don't you get infractions for it?

And Spyrix, I know that feeling of being known, but remained in the background- introverts. But if you want a proper-mannered 'someone' to tell you what you can improve on this, I suggest Vern.

WafflesMgee is a fantastic writer y'know. It's just that he's quite offensive sometimes when things 'hurts him in the eyes'. Someday, when you got better at writing and managed to impress him with it, he'll start complimenting and you might realise that he's a funny guy too, mate.

And btw, you're not doing too bad. Look at the bright side, you got 3 votes, another for a tie, and another again for a win. You did better than before, mate.

Vern
03-16-2015, 04:35 PM
Alright I promised some CnC so here comes. I'm not that good at CnC'ing, and to be fair I'm not the BEST writer out here (yet ;) ) so it'll all just be basic stuff, though I hope you can appreciate it :)

Note to both : I have nothing major to say that Waffles didn't already say, but a promise's a promise.

Waffles already pointed out the layout but let me do it once more. The way these sentences are done can be quite troubling on the eyes, which is a huge turndown for most people, and honestly it discourages them from reading your works. When writing, try to make clear and structured paragraphs. When you're typing, refrain from hitting the enter button TOO often, though it's still your friend. Just keep writing till you feel as if the current little subject has been finished, then double tap that enter button and start writing again. You'll end up with some neat blocks of text and it'll feel more enjoyable to read. If you're dealing with a big chunk of text, just tap the enter button once to start a new line when you feel that its appropriate. It's honestly all about the feel, and nobody does it perfectly from their first go. You'll see that with practice it'll eventually go by itself :)

Partially because of the structure of the text but also partially because of the way the work's written it feels very inarticulate. It starts you up then stops you then starts you up again and stops you and etc.... When writing your story, try to think of what you want to write down first, then take a good look at what you previously wrote and try to think of a sentence that flows nicely with the previous one. This way it'll feel smooth and it'll keep your readers reading :)

There are some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there, if you're not too confident about your skills in English it never hurts to ask someone to spellcheck it for you. Eventually it's just all about experience and knowledge when it comes down to writing in English.

Nevertheless, this is a nice improvement from your last story, Spyrix :D Nobody wrote a perfect story from their first try, and it's important that you just keep going. Life's full of falling and getting back up. You'll see, if you simply keep going while trying to learn as much as possible you'll eventually get where you want to be :).
However, do take my advice when I say it isn't the smartest move to rush your works. It's okay to take some time to write your works, you don't have to pump out battles left and right ;).

Oh and don't mind Waffles. He tends to bring you his opinion without too much sugarcoating, don't hold it against him, rather learn from his words as he is simply honest.



A nice first battle, Urako. Perhaps we should do a battle sometime soon once I'm done with my clan collab, no? I think it could be interesting ^^

There's some >minor< spelling and grammar errors dotted around your work here and there, nothing that particularly stands out though. I tend to make the same mistakes. Again it's not really that much so I have little to remark on it.

The paragraphs are nicely done, they remind me of my own way of making paragraphs :). Keep going, this is nice.

One thing I had slight issues with though was the ending. While it wasn't at all bad, I felt as if the ending dialogue was unnecessary and that it simply dragged the story on a bit more than it should have. That's just my opinion though.


In the end my vote goes to Urako.

Urako
03-16-2015, 04:42 PM
Alright I promised some CnC so here comes. I'm not that good at CnC'ing, and to be fair I'm not the BEST writer out here (yet ;) ) so it'll all just be basic stuff, though I hope you can appreciate it :)

Note to both : I have nothing major to say that Waffles didn't already say, but a promise's a promise.

Waffles already pointed out the layout but let me do it once more. The way these sentences are done can be quite troubling on the eyes, which is a huge turndown for most people, and honestly it discourages them from reading your works. When writing, try to make clear and structured paragraphs. When you're typing, refrain from hitting the enter button TOO often, though it's still your friend. Just keep writing till you feel as if the current little subject has been finished, then double tap that enter button and start writing again. You'll end up with some neat blocks of text and it'll feel more enjoyable to read. If you're dealing with a big chunk of text, just tap the enter button once to start a new line when you feel that its appropriate. It's honestly all about the feel, and nobody does it perfectly from their first go. You'll see that with practice it'll eventually go by itself :)

Partially because of the structure of the text but also partially because of the way the work's written it feels very inarticulate. It starts you up then stops you then starts you up again and stops you and etc.... When writing your story, try to think of what you want to write down first, then take a good look at what you previously wrote and try to think of a sentence that flows nicely with the previous one. This way it'll feel smooth and it'll keep your readers reading :)

There are some grammar and spelling mistakes here and there, if you're not too confident about your skills in English it never hurts to ask someone to spellcheck it for you. Eventually it's just all about experience and knowledge when it comes down to writing in English.

Nevertheless, this is a nice improvement from your last story, Spyrix :D Nobody wrote a perfect story from their first try, and it's important that you just keep going. Life's full of falling and getting back up. You'll see, if you simply keep going while trying to learn as much as possible you'll eventually get where you want to be :).
However, do take my advice when I say it isn't the smartest move to rush your works. It's okay to take some time to write your works, you don't have to pump out battles left and right ;).

Oh and don't mind Waffles. He tends to bring you his opinion without too much sugarcoating, don't hold it against him, rather learn from his words as he is simply honest.



A nice first battle, Urako. Perhaps we should do a battle sometime soon once I'm done with my clan collab, no? I think it could be interesting ^^

There's some >minor< spelling and grammar errors dotted around your work here and there, nothing that particularly stands out though. I tend to make the same mistakes. Again it's not really that much so I have little to remark on it.

The paragraphs are nicely done, they remind me of my own way of making paragraphs :). Keep going, this is nice.

One thing I had slight issues with though was the ending. While it wasn't at all bad, I felt as if the ending dialogue was unnecessary and that it simply dragged the story on a bit more than it should have. That's just my opinion though.


In the end my vote goes to Urako.

To be perfectly honest, i learned some of the paragraph structuring from reading your work. I would absolutely love to fight you sometime. But i promised i would fight RuDe next and it'll take a while to prepare. I may skip him or push him back if i'm ready and he refuses though.

Vern
03-16-2015, 04:52 PM
To be perfectly honest, i learned some of the paragraph structuring from reading your work. I would absolutely love to fight you sometime. But i promised i would fight RuDe next and it'll take a while to prepare. I may skip him or push him back if i'm ready and he refuses though.

No rush. It'll still be (I believe) at LEAST a month before the collab's finished the way things are going like they are right now. And gee, I feel honored ^^.

RuDe
03-16-2015, 08:48 PM
So Spyrix your writing was good . Though Dozer had more detail . Though I only read like 4 paragraphs for each one . So dont take me to seriously i guess...

Crank
03-21-2015, 01:01 PM
Spyrix:

To be honest, as this stage I don't quite know know the type of specific advice to give you, you seem to be a bit new to new to this (and that's cool, so was I once) but it looks like your story is pretty void of details and emotions. Perspective, details are what gives your reader the mental image of what's occurring, and emotions are what make them feel it. Sadly, stand alone list like facts don't grant either.

At the moment, my advice is unfortunately pretty limited to try beefing up your story a bit. How do the characters look? The setting? What was occurring in the empty spaces between the blows and how did the characters feel as the encounter took place? After you start that, I should be able to give you a lot more specific pointers.

Another little side thing, is you may want to be weary of is saying this that have no relevance to the story or consequence. You opened with your guy breaking his phone, but he really didn't seem to care and ultimately if felt like it didn't matter, so that type of thing makes it tricky for your reader to appreciate. Humor is good and all, but unfortunately you do have to deliver it a bit more, and this is one of those times that if you really wanted to keep, could really benefit from showcasing the rushing emotions of regret that crash on your guy.

All in all though, it's still clear that you improved quite a bit, and if you keep at it, I see no reason why that can't continue!


Urako:

I just want to open saying props for coming full circle with the "The things I do for you Rachel…" line!

Anyway though, I think you did a bitter better of a job setting the scene and describing things and all that jazz, but at large I felt like your use of emotions was fairly absent. This is really the sort of thing that brings your reader to your corner and makes them bond with your character, so ultimately it is extremely important. What was going through Dozer's mind as the battle progressed? There were a lot of intense points where dread or desperation could've been highlighted, but ultimately went unexplored.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. His opponent held Dozer’s head out for the oncoming train. The noise got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. Electoid had him by the throat in a vicious vice, and despite his thrashing Dozer couldn't break free. Brown eyes frantic as his rapid heart beat, a rush of horror slammed into his body as he felt the bright lights of the incoming train glaring on his cheek as Electroid held his head out for impact. The vehicle's roar neared deafening levels as it got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him, vowing obliteration.

On a similar note, sensory details are another great way to spice up a piece. You can see what's happening, that's good, but how does it sound, taste, feel, smell? Does it wreak of poop? That's unfortunate, but go ahead and throw it in! The more sensory it is, the more inside the story your reader will feel so the more impact it'll have.


Great effort to the both of you!

Urako
03-21-2015, 09:14 PM
Spyrix:

To be honest, as this stage I don't quite know know the type of specific advice to give you, you seem to be a bit new to new to this (and that's cool, so was I once) but it looks like your story is pretty void of details and emotions. Perspective, details are what gives your reader the mental image of what's occurring, and emotions are what make them feel it. Sadly, stand alone list like facts don't grant either.

At the moment, my advice is unfortunately pretty limited to try beefing up your story a bit. How do the characters look? The setting? What was occurring in the empty spaces between the blows and how did the characters feel as the encounter took place? After you start that, I should be able to give you a lot more specific pointers.

Another little side thing, is you may want to be weary of is saying this that have no relevance to the story or consequence. You opened with your guy breaking his phone, but he really didn't seem to care and ultimately if felt like it didn't matter, so that type of thing makes it tricky for your reader to appreciate. Humor is good and all, but unfortunately you do have to deliver it a bit more, and this is one of those times that if you really wanted to keep, could really benefit from showcasing the rushing emotions of regret that crash on your guy.

All in all though, it's still clear that you improved quite a bit, and if you keep at it, I see no reason why that can't continue!


Urako:

I just want to open saying props for coming full circle with the "The things I do for you Rachel…" line!

Anyway though, I think you did a bitter better of a job setting the scene and describing things and all that jazz, but at large I felt like your use of emotions was fairly absent. This is really the sort of thing that brings your reader to your corner and makes them bond with your character, so ultimately it is extremely important. What was going through Dozer's mind as the battle progressed? There were a lot of intense points where dread or desperation could've been highlighted, but ultimately went unexplored.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. His opponent held Dozer’s head out for the oncoming train. The noise got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him.

He grabbed Derrick and dragged him over to edge of the platform. The guy desperately struggled, but his adversary was clearly stronger than him. Electoid had him by the throat in a vicious vice, and despite his thrashing Dozer couldn't break free. Brown eyes frantic as his rapid heart beat, a rush of horror slammed into his body as he felt the bright lights of the incoming train glaring on his cheek as Electroid held his head out for impact. The vehicle's roar neared deafening levels as it got louder and the lights brighter until it seemed it was right on top of him, vowing obliteration.

On a similar note, sensory details are another great way to spice up a piece. You can see what's happening, that's good, but how does it sound, taste, feel, smell? Does it wreak of poop? That's unfortunate, but go ahead and throw it in! The more sensory it is, the more inside the story your reader will feel so the more impact it'll have.


Great effort to the both of you!

Thanks. I hope to improve and increase their emotions in the next battle. I'm hoping Spyrix reads this.

On another note, the pole is over and i'm in the lead so that means i win this match. Good game Spyrix. I've noticed improvement and i hope you continue to get better. Seriously. At the beginning, you took the lead!