View Full Version : The Suicide Sisters vs. Y the Shadow Manipulator

03-25-2015, 09:59 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the main event of the evening! The moment you all have been waiting for. LIVE from wRHG Battles Section in StickPage.com...


Introducing first, fighting out of the red corner, a dark figure with a fabled past and infamous reputation in murdering and devouring his victims. Fighting out of God knows where and making his wRHG debut, Y the Shadow Manipulator!

And now introducing his opponents, fighting out of the blue corner; two vicious vixens possessing powerful weapons harnessing their souls to become immortal. Fighting out of Astorfield, Maryland, The Suicide Sisters!
Don't kill me, Bruce Buffer.

My battle:

Date: March 23rd, 20XX, 7:31 p.m.

It's their first time being in a public community other than working back at the Agency, though it's not their first time being around fighters, much less killers as a matter of fact. The community seems to contain a diversity of people from around the world, those who have traveled far and wide for a home to share their unique capabilities; there are even some abilities that most people might consider to be explicitly taboo due to religious backgrounds and/or traditional laws. Whatever's the case, they're here now to be part of something grander, and there's no other place on this planet that can legally broadcast their battles other than the Worldwide Rock Hard Gladiator (WRHG) Program.

The Suicide Sisters are now standing within competitive grounds, anyone can attack them at any point. Being vigilant is key to survival, also staying evasive from any line of sight from suspicious individuals will also save their skin. They make their way to the registration center, which is near the walls of this giant city-state. Good thing there are directories around because this place is huge! Much larger than any community they've ever been. Would hate to be the poor soul who'll lose their path within this unforgiving place. They grabbed a seat and waited for one person to leave the registration table; a clerk is seen speaking with a woman in a black trench coat and a white porcelain mask. Their conversation lasted for a good five minutes before the woman departed from the center, seems like they're next. They both got off their seats and head to the counter; Bella, the blonde pig-tail girl, crossed her arms and leaned her elbows on the table with a world-weary expression on her face. Eliza, the purple-dyed hair woman, still kept her composure and stood patiently behind the counter. The red-headed clerk finished stacking and ordering her papers before setting them aside. Her blue eyes turned to the two and faced them with a pleasant smile on her face.

“Hello,” she greeted with her silvery voice, “and welcome to the Worldwide Rock Hard Gladiator! How may I help you?”

Eliza cleared her throat and responded, “Hello, ma'am. We're here to register for your program.”

“Alright then, first of all, welcome to our community, we're always open for new contenders. Second, all you need to do is sign here on this document with name, date, and so forth. Once you're done, hand it back to me and I'll register you two in.”

Bella broke her silence, “So wait, you said you're open to anyone that enters? You're saying that even psychopaths, kids, pedophiles, and so forth can just enter and do whatever fucked-up shit they do here-”

“What my partner is saying,” Eliza steps in abruptly, “is that why are you publicly open towards anyone? Aren't you afraid that someone might sabotage the entire program?”

“Not at all,” the clerk stated, “We have rules here that restricts certain people from entering the wRHG program. And yes, there are killers that will enter this, but I assure you that we can bring about justice on anyone that tries to sabotage anything. It's how we sniff out wolves from the sheep herd. There are moderators around here that survey the area. In case anything goes wrong, they come in and embrace the situation.”

Bella doesn't seem to be convinced, “What happens if you die on your first fight? What's the point of signing the registration sheet if we're going to die?”

“Well you see,” the clerk leaned forward, “nobody actually dies within these walls. We have a special center that resurrects and rejuvenates fallen gladiators.”

“Are we fighting in arenas?” Bella inquired.

“Believe it or not, this whole city-state is your battleground.”

“That's unlikely. What about property damages?” Eliza seems concerned about the well-being of the communities' citizens.

“Not to worry, all property damage will be fixed in the matter of 24 hours.”

“Wait wait wait wait wait... you're saying that even if we level half of the city, all that shit will be built straight back up in just a single day?”

“Or two, depending on the damages. This city-state's being supported by its sponsors, and all that money they receive will be used for commonwealth repairs.”

“And who are the builders?” Eliza asked.

“Workers of the wRHG, some are even retired fighters that wish to volunteer in community labor.”

“Speaking of which,” Bella spoke out, “once we register, where do we crash in? Do we have to buy our own homes or something?”

“Of course not, ma'am,” the clerk giggled, “every gladiator gets their own apartment.”

“Apartment?” Bella groaned with displeasure from the sound of living in one of those awful places.

“D-don't be sad about it,” the clerk reassured to the blonde pig-tails, “I promise you that our apartments are the best we ever had. We built them to keep our fighters fresh and comfortable during their stay.”

“Huh, well it better not have any roaches there. If I see even the smallest one,” Bella leaned forward towards the clerk with a stern face, “I'll come for you...”

Eliza grabbed her bigger pig-tail and pulled her away from the clerk. Bella winces in pain as every strand of hair in that pig-tail is being pulled from her scalp.

“Sorry about that, ma'am,” the purple-haired woman apologized, “my partner has a bad experience with roaches, and I'll make sure she 'doesn't' come near you. Isn't that right, Belle?”

Still gripping on her pig-tail, Bella pouts and turns her head away, “Fine.”

After finishing their registration, the Sisters stepped out of the center into the evening, lampposts are all lit up aligned in a row like candles. The sun is slowly, but beautifully setting with remaining sunlight blending the sky with colors of orange, purple, blue, and black. This is the first time that the Sisters are far away from Astorfield, Maryland, and already they feel a bit homesick, let alone anxious. Like bringing wild dogs into a domesticated home, all this feels foreign to them. It's certainly not like it was back home where crime swarm the streets every night, here's more tranquil and peaceful. Every night they're forced to listen to police sirens passing by, but now here their ears are more relaxed from any sound at all, almost like a ghost town.

“It... sure is quiet here, isn't it Eli?” Bella spoke to ease the silence.

“It is. Too quiet for my tastes.” Eliza surveyed the area for anything suspicious. When it comes to silent settings, it's always too ominous.

“So, shall we head to our apartment then? I'm a bit tired.”

“Already?” Eliza gave her a surprised look, “We just got here.”

“A girl's gotta sleep, y'know? We can always try out the new bed?~” She gave a flirty gesture and winked.

“Don't be hasty,” Eliza demanded, “Despite our newly arrival, I feel like we're being followed.”

The two looked around the area from where they're standing for anything moving. The Sisters are always on their toes when it comes to trouble, here's no exception. They're on a literal battlefield and anyone can ambush the duo at any time. They don't mind it at all, but just wish they weren't constantly chased down like rabbits.

“Eli, we're always being followed. We always have been. Can't we just enjoy the scenery for once in our lifetime-” Bella was then dropped to the concrete plaza floor and rapidly dragged away towards the darkness. With sudden reaction timing, she plunge her blade, Fetta, into the ground and anchored her from slipping away by something that has wrapped around her ankle. She struggled to pull herself up, but the shadowy tendril is too strong. Pulling out Synkiss, Eliza caught up to Bella and shot the tendril, breaking the connection as it slithered away.

“Bella, are you alright?” She kneel down and lift her up with utmost sincerity in her eyes.

“Y-yeah, what the hell was that?!” They both backed away from the spot and leaned onto each others' backs as they searched around. Bella gripped tightly on the handle of her blade while Eliza has her finger on the trigger, holding up to her face.

“Stay on your guard, Belle,” she whispered, squinting her eyes to peer through the darkness settling in as the sun finally sets. It's now nighttime, and whatever's in the shadows is now stronger and ready to strike. All is quiet again as silence looms over the duo, not a single movement was made but their eyes. No noise escaped from their feet or lips, stiff and poised like an elegant statue. Their breathing slowed to enhance their hearing and has enabled them to hear their own hearts beating. They feel their pores slightly secreting sweat from the tension. Just a mere minute passing by, no action was made. Then...


Eliza suddenly fired to the left, then tendrils of darkness emerge from every crack around them. The purple-haired woman kept firing at the tendrils while Bella hacks through coming tentacles like butter. One wrapped around both Eliza's wrists and tossed her across the plaza, tumbling violently until she regain her composure and kept shooting. Bella evaded as much of the charging shadow tendrils as possible, chopping and slicing through thick vines of darkness. Then within her own shadow, a figure emerged and latched onto the blonde's thin body. His hands became claws as it sank deep into her flesh.

“Gaah! Fuck!!” She screamed in anguish, desperately shaking her back to loosen his grip. The figure, however, continued to sink his shadow claws inside her chest, forming roots of darkness within. Bella's eyes are slowly turning black, barely concentrated to see anything.

“G-Get the fuck.... OFF OF ME!!” Gripping tight on Fetta to her chest, she jumped backwards and landed on top of him. The ridiculous weight of Fetta crushed the shadowy figure as it vanishes into smokey darkness. Now off her back, the wounds on her sides are slowly healing, flinching as every tissue is reattaching itself. Eliza is still fighting off the monstrous tendrils in which is now growing larger. Eliza, realizing that she's being outnumbered, turned and sprinted towards Bella. The tentacles followed behind and attempt to latch on any of her exposed limbs. As she's running, her Synkiss is slowly charging with a eerie green glow until it grew bright. Once her wounds healed up, Bella stood up feebly and saw her partner running from giant shadow tentacles.

“Bella, swing away!”

The blonde pig-tails reluctantly lift her blade up and waited patiently for the tentacles to come. Eliza ran behind her and, with brute force, Bella swung her blade at the behemoth tentacles. With enough power, the tendrils were knocked back, giving Eliza time to aim and pull the trigger.


Its recoil was powerful enough to knock Eliza backwards as the speeding, illuminating energy blast launched towards the menacing tendrils and obliterated them with a massive explosion. The large smoke cloud engulfed their surroundings, hindering their sight. Though the detonation wasn't large enough, its shock wave was enough to quake across the city-state; car alarms sounded off loudly through the night as lights from various houses quickly lit up from the windows. The Sisters, now lying on their backs, are aching in pain from the volatile explosion. Can barely move, they try anyway to remove themselves from the area.

“O-ow...” Bella winced from moving her back. “I'll be honest, t-this is the first time I've gotten... close enough to an explosion like that.”

Bella got to her knees and looked around for signs of Eliza. Could've sworn she was next to her seconds ago.


Distant shots were heard from afar. She gasped and ran towards the sounds, despite the pain from each footstep she took. Bella ran a few yards until she eventually found her handgun lying on the grass. Realizing Eliza's now unarmed, she reached down and picked it up before resuming her search. The pig-tails arrived to the scene of Eliza fighting against the same figure that latched on Bella not too long ago. This individual is cloaked in a dark trench coat, concealed in bandages from head to toe. His face was hidden in darkness, but still convey the sense of depravity. Eliza is looking tired, still recovering from the immense blast, but still retain enough stamina to evade the man's punches and kicks. Eliza can still block some of his moves, and countered them with a few elbows and jabs. She made a sweep kick, but the figure did a backflip and summons more tendrils to tie her down. Eliza couldn't move, struggling against her bonds has only tightened the grip around her ankles and wrists. The figure pulled out a darkened blade from his trench coat and was prepared to dismember her limbs from her body, walking casually towards her as he lifts up his sword to sever her arm.

“Hey you!” Bella interrupted as she swung her blade like a blunt weapon at the figure, knocking him away from her girlfriend. The shadowy individual violently crashed onto someone's home and fell to the ground. Bella severed the bonds from Eliza and hand back her gun, feeling relieved that she saved her in time.

“Here, you need this.”

“Thank you, Belle.” Eliza rubbed her wrists.

“You know you should never leave your weapon behind.”

Eliza rolled her eyes, “Yes, I know that, but I wouldn't risk that... thing destroying it.”

“So what should we do about him?”

“I have a planned-” Before she could finish, a black spear pierced through her body and pinned her to a tree. Caught by surprised, Bella stared in horror as her partner screams in excruciating pain. Blood drooled from her mouth, forming small, viscous, crimson pools below her. Her Victorian dress is staining red from her bleeding wound. Couldn't bear to see Eliza in this condition, she rushed for her help, but was suddenly knocked away by a massive shadow hand. Bella flew and crashed against a brick wall with sheer force. She fell to the ground coughing and wheezing, that sudden attack had knocked the wind out of her lungs. Struggling to catch her breath, the hooded figure, now a gigantic shadow beast, towers over them and let out an intimidating roar. Tendrils emerge from his chest and attempts to grab the pig-tailed girl. She ran as fast as she could, slicing away incoming tentacles, but was then later caught by the beast's giant hand. Bella still clutched to Fetta as she ascends above the head of the shadow monster, his face is still hidden, but his maws are the only thing showing; rows of canines ready to chew and tear through her bones and flesh.

Eliza, still writhing, struggles to pull herself off the spear, but was unbearable as the spear itself is laced with barbs. The more she tried to free herself, the more the barbs will shred her insides. Eliza's losing energy fast, she's feeling light-headed as more blood oozes from her wound and mouth. Still holding on to Synkiss, she uses whatever strength she has left to lift her arm up and aim at the massive beast. She then lost grip and dropped her gun.

“N-no...” she feebly breathed, choking in her own mix of saliva and blood. Her arm hopelessly stretched to reach for her gun, but was out of reach.

Bella swung her blade around in hopes of severing one of the monster's fingers, but couldn't do much as she's hanging above the maws of darkness. She had to do something. There's no way she'll end up as someone's midnight snack. She took a look at Eliza, still pinned to the tree with little life left within her. Though she can't die, it hurts to see her suffer like this. This also made her furious for what he did to her. No one should ever pull a heartless stunt like that and gets away with it.

With one last attempt in freeing herself, Bella looked down at the gaping jaws and got herself an idea. The shadow beast loosens the grip of his fingers and lets go of the pig-tailed blonde, descending into his rapacious mouth. With one swing, she tossed Fetta across at the beast's face, sticking deep within his forehead. The beast roared in distress, causing himself to unravel from his monstrous physique. Both fell back down and plummeted, Bella landed on her feet while the figure fell face down onto the grass. Fetta plant itself deep into the dirt after a great fall.

The blonde went to retrieve her weapon and walked towards Eliza. Grabbing the spear, she looked into her lover's eyes. All Bella saw was torment and pain, something she hasn't seen from her in a long time. She knew Eliza as a simple badass in her eyes, but seeing her reduced to a bleeding mess is too much for her to take in. Gripping tight on the spear and placing her other hand on Eliza's shoulder, she closed her eyes and prepared herself to pull it out.

“Wait...” Eliza made a small, but abrupt whisper. She lift her arm up and placed her hand on the blonde's cheek.

“Help me ease the pain...”

Bella stared with water leaking from her eyes and embraced her partner, they both locked lips to give Eliza enough comfort and courage to restrain the pain. Bella then tugged the spear with all her might, despite the barbs shredding her insides. Eliza broke off the kiss and screamed as the spear finally left her body, blood splattered everywhere as the wound was free. Quickly dropping the blood-stained weapon, Bella caught her partner as she fell to her knees, clenching her bloody wound. She held on to Eliza as she cringed from her non-suppressant healing factor, petting her back gently.

Then, a noise was heard from behind Bella, and quickly set her down against the tree to see the figure, now fully healed, charging at her with absolute ferocity. His shadow blade slashed at her, but blocked and counter-attacked by pushing him away. The man stumbled but regain his balance. He charged again, slashing his blade at her only to make a few cuts on her arm and thigh. Bella fought back and swung her blade like a maniac. Both blades then collided and braced each other, Bella couldn't find anything in his hoodie but the abysmal void. The man then kicked her away and stood motionlessly.

“The fuck is wrong with you!?” Bella shouted with rage in her heart. “Who the fuck do you think you are!?”

The figure only stood still and whispered, “Y...”

Simultaneously confused and baffled, she barked back, “Why? WHY?!? The fuck does that mean!? Don't you dare fucking ask me 'why'! I had about up to fucking Pluto with you!”

Y only stood there, soundless. Bella, furious as ever, snapped at him, “Don't just fucking stand there!! Answer me!”

Y remain immobile as he continued to listen to Bella's nonsensical shouting.

“I said a-”

Bella couldn't speak another word. For some unknown reason, she no longer have any function to move. Her own shadow seems to be caught within the puppeteer's strings and she couldn't do anything about it. Her veins darkened and eyes turned black, all she hears were whispers of death. Of murder. Screams of innocents filled her subconscious, sharing her mind with his. Witnessing past brutal murders he had caused. She's now under his control. Turning back to Eliza, she gazed at the purple-haired maiden with her possessed eyes. She looked at Bella and then at Y, who's still remain motionless on the very spot. His shadow is linked to Bella's and has made her his minion.

“Now...” Y commanded telepathically, “...kill her.”

Obeying his order, she lift her blade and sprinted towards Eliza. She, however, remain calm and waited for her to come closer, a eerie glow radiates behind her.

“Get your filthy strings,” Eliza whispered with vexation in her breath, “off of her.”

Bella threw down Fetta at Eliza, but dodged away quickly and grabbed the shadow spear. With precision, she thrust the spear at Y, but he simply knocked it away. Still within range, Y then saw something green speeding towards him. Caught off-guard, it struck him in the face and violently detonated, letting out another massive explosion, forming a mountain of greenish smoke rising from the foundation. Another shock wave was formed and flew through most of the city-state, setting off the car alarms once again and angering the abruptly-awakened denizens. Voices of disturbed commoners filled the night.

As the smoke finally clears, Eliza examines the area of where Y once stood; a lone piece of his trench coat was the only thing remaining from the volatile combustion. Nothing else were left behind. The fight was finally over. She didn't expect her plan to come into fruition, but she's at least grateful for the outcomes. She turned to her partner, lying unconsciously on the grass, free from Y's shadow mind-control. Too tired to carry her to their new apartment room, instead Eliza gently laid down next to her and sleeps through the night.

So far it's been the most chaotic first day since their arrival, and they can tell that it's going to get a whole lot tougher along the road. Not an easy life as an assassin, but it does pay off in the end, even if it doesn't turn out to be a happy ending. They don't know how long they plan to stay there, but if they follow the mission as instructed, the Suicide Sisters will be around for a very, very long time. What challengers await them?

To be continued.

XxScatterxX's battle:

Y the Shadow Manipulator vs The Suicide Sisters Belle and Eriza

Y walked through the rubble of the abandoned town. The moon shined bright and the wind blew calmly. Clouds scattered through the sky and bugs made nests in the rubble.

Y strolled along until two women stood there standing in front of Y. Y stopped and looked at the women.

“Is he on the target list Eriza?” One of the woman asked “I don’t know. No picture of him on here…” The other woman replied. “Hey are you Y?” The first woman asked. “...” The first woman looked at him in a odd way. “Hmph… So I guess you are… He’s on the list Eriza” “Okay Belle” “Let’s kick his ass!” Belle yelled pulling out her Fetta and cutting into Y.

Y coughed up blood which basically just splattered out and he launched back hitting into a pillar of a building. The balcony the pillar was holding lost support and fell on Y making a huge dust cloud.

“I think he’s dead… What an easy target I wonder why Agent M put him up for the major targets…” Eriza asked. “Whatever let’s go Eriza this guy was so fucking boring. I wish he actually put up a fight” Belle replied. “Hmph?” Belle turned around looking at Eriza who is watching rubble being lifted up. The two sisters look at Y lifting the rubble off of him with two tentacles on his back.

“I think I found out why…” Eriza said unhappily. Y’s head looked at the ground pushing the rubble aside and suddenly twisted his head around so it faced the girls. “Woah! That’s so fucking cool! Too bad I gotta kill ya’!” Belle shouted out charging at Y with her Fetta. She jumped and was about to stab Y in the head until suddenly she fell to the ground with a sudden ache to her chest. Belle fell on her back slowly realizing the black shadow spear in her stomach.

“Belle!” Eriza yelled running over pulling out her synkiss. She crouched down beside Belle. “I’m fine. It just hurts… AUGH-” Belle said before suddenly having the spear yanked out of her. Y stood in front of them. Eriza started firing her Synkiss at Y but Y backflipped and swung himself back with his shadowy tentacles. He slid back and stood up looking at the two girls getting up.

“You’re a tough one ain’t cha!” Belle yelled over laughing. She spun her Fetta as Eriza pulled back top of her synkiss.

Y reached his hand inside a shadow beside him pulling out a completely black shadowy scythe. Y looked at the girls and points his scythe towards them.

The girls split up Belle suddenly dashing and Eriza jumping back for more of a cover.

Belle slashed at Y as Y dodged. Y suddenly launched back when a blast in front of them lands. Y looks at the girls and dashes towards Belle. Belle prepares herself until she suddenly relizes Y run past him. Y’s going after Eriza now, He slashes at Eriza with Eriza hardly dodging. Eriza gets stabbed in the back and Y spins his scythe around and launches her at Belle.

Eriza held her back looking at Y who stood there. The pain in Eriza’s back ached but she stood up.

Eriza looked at Belle and Belle looked back at Eriza. They nod their heads and both suddenly dash. Reaches into the shadow beside him and pulled out a shield. Belle smashes against the shield and Eriza fired at the shield slowly cracking it. Y jumped back throwing Belle backwards.

The Suicide Sisters store at Y. The moon shined bright on the girls and Y’s face was as dark as ever. Y fell backwards disappearing into a shadow popping out from Eriza’s shadow kicking them in the back of the head and pulled out a sword.

He grabbed Belle from the back and threw her too Y’s previous spot grabbing her Fetta and slashing at Eriza who was cut half. Y kicked Eriza’s body at Belle and pointed his sword and Belle’s Fetta at them.

“It’s over woman.” Y said in his withered voice. Belle who was not bothered by Eriza being cut in half stood up and looked at Y. “Give me back my Fetta you fuck!” She yelled.

Y looked at the Fetta and looked back. He threw the Fetta at Belle. Belle picked it up and spun it around and ended up pointing it at Y. “You’re fun. But it’s over” Belle threatened launching over cutting multiple wounds into Y’s withered body.

Y hardly being able to move got launched back. He used the shadows to make him stand up and summoned a spear beside him. He focused his spear at Belle letting it launch and cut Belle in the shoulder. Y pulled out his scythe from the shadows about to run before he falls.

He looks at his leg seeing Eriza’s top part of her body grabbing his legs. “Being cut in half is painful you know” Eriza told Y. She pulled out her Synkiss and pointed it at Y’s face. Y laying there staring at the bullet got shot in the face with blood splattering out the back of his head. He layed there. Belle getting covered in blood wiped a bit off tasting it. “Ew! His blood is nasty.”

Eriza crawled over to her legs and put it in place regenerating the parts that were cut connecting them together. The girls stood up and looked at the body of Y.
“Ashamed he didn’t put much more of a fight” Belle told Eriza. Eriza walked back towards the darkness before getting stabbed in the back by Belle’s Fetta. “..!” “Eriza I can’t control myself!” Belle cried. Y slowly stood up looking at the girls. “You will be interesting pray” He said in his withered voice.

Eriza looked at Y and then looked at Belle. Belle launched at Eriza and Eriza jumped back shooting at Belle. “OW! What the fuck Eriza!” Belle yelled “I need to imobolize you so you don’t get in the way of me stopping him!” Eriza replied.

Belle swiped and swiped at Eriza and Eriza shot back until she shot Belle’s arm off. “FUCK OW!” Belle cried. “Sorry!” Eriza replied now launching at Y. she shot multiple bullets at him and Y jumped back. Belle was now free of control and picked up her Fetta with her other hand.

The girls walk up to Y who stood there. Y took breathes and then launched forward hitting multiple punches into Belle. He grabbed Belle’s Fetta and started cutting at Belle before being shot into a building by Eriza.

Y layed in the rubble getting up and looking out the hole. He looked to his side seeing a nest of birds sit there staring at Y. Y looked at the birds and then at the girls.

He looked at Belle’s Fetta then threw it at Belle with it spinning. Belle jumped back and grabbed it through the middle and then touched the blades.

Belle got serious. She kneeled down and the area around her cracked. She launched herself at the building grabbing Y by the collar and smashing through the other wall.

The two landed on the ground and the Fetta stood in the middle. Belle launched at the Fetta grabbing it and running at Y who was getting himself up.

Belle slashed until a tentacle from Y’s collar jabs into her stomach. He picks up the Fetta and puts it over his mouth. Eriza turning the corner looked at the situation in shock and ran over.

Y dropped the Fetta into his shadowy hood and with that the Fetta was destroyed.

Belle looked at the Fetta and stared at Y scared and shocked at the same time. Belle fell too the ground not breathing or saying anything. Eriza shot at Y who jumped back and crouched beside Belle putting her on her lap. “Belle! Stay with me Belle!” Eriza cried out.

Belle not replying showed a sign that the corpse was finally put to rest.

Eriza looked at Belle and stood up staring at Y. She pulled out her synkiss and fired in rage.

Y fell backwards from the shots disappearing.

Y jumped behind Eriza and punched Eriza in the back of the head. Eriza launched forward spinning yelled with a battlecry type of scream. “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”

Eriza ran up firing into Y blowing him bit to bit. She shot him into walls, threw him through glass and shot him in the face many times. Y hardly getting up looked at Eriza who walked up to him.

Y looked at Eriza and then looked through the window of the building. He looked closer and assured himself the birds that nested in the building were safe. Y sighed in relief and grabbed Eriza in the face slamming her to the ground.

Eriza jumps up punching Y through the hole.

Y’s arm grew and he grew. A monsterous head popped out of a giant forming body. Eriza looked at the beast and began firing at it. The beast witnessing small explosions over its body slams its hand over Eriza. Eriza shot a hole through his hand and jumped onto his arm. She ran forward towards the head before Y morphed giant spikes everywhere on his body launching Eriza off. Eriza flew back before being suddenly grabbed and smashed into the wall of a building.

Y pulled his arm back and threw Eriza in the air. Eriza shot into the beasts mouth keeping her up so she doesn’t fall into her mouth right before he jumps up eating Eriza whole. Eriza being eaten suddenly fell into her shadowy doom. Where she was sealed up and saw her weapon being destroyed before her eyes.

You would be able to hear a slight scream from Eriza before Y’s mouth shut.

Y returning into his regular form fell to the ground exhausted. He crawled towards the forest that surrounded the town and passed out.

The next day he woke up on a rock in the forest with a bird chirping on his head. He was home. Atleast something what he can call home.

03-25-2015, 10:05 PM
0.0 ya I lost

03-25-2015, 10:22 PM
Haha, whoops, how needlessly rude of me.
Tayo ay nagtipon ngayon sa pagkatalo ni Y, ang kampon ng kadiliman. Di man lang sana natuto sa kanyang pagkakamali, o kahit man lang sumuko at tanggapin ang salbasyon. Dahil isa syang kampon sa kadiliman, natalo siya ng malupit. Ipinagdiriwang natin ang mabuting gawa ng dalawang dalaga na si Bella at Eliza. Ang tagumpay nila ay nagpapaala sa atin na ang sinag ng diyos ay mahahanap sa mga di inaasahan na lugar. Talagang may mabuting rason kung bakit itong dalawang kaluluwa ay binigyan ng ikalawang pagkakataon para dumalaw muli sa ating mundo: maging tagahatid ng mabuting balita sa pamamagitan ng paglaban sa wRHG.

We have gathered today for the defeat of Y, the champion of darkness. He did not even learn of his mistakes, or even surrender and accept salvation. Because he is a champion in darkness, he lost really hard. We are celebrating the good deeds of the these two maidens who are Bella and Eliza. Their victory reminded us that the light of God can be found in the most unexpected places. Truly there's a good reason why these two souls were given a second chance to roam the earth once more: bring the good news through fighting in the wRHG.

It's the best I can come up with, I haven't seen a wRHG curbstomp like this in a long time.

03-26-2015, 06:38 AM
At least you learned GT
and xscatterx learned something today as well
He learned who not to fuck with

03-26-2015, 07:35 AM
Eeeeeehhhh... Yeah. Sorry Scatter.

[CnC is a work in progress. Dealing with Scatter first.]

Okay, so to start off, the biggest issue I have with your piece is the pacing. Everything happens too abruptly, and does absolutely nothing to help the story progress nicely. It's all choppy, and there is little to no organization in your battle choreography.

For instance, as soon as Belle finished speaking, she was cutting into Y? There was no transition, it just happened. That was just in the first paragraph too. Pacing is important to keep a reader interested, and honestly I found no appeal in your storyline whatsoever. It confused me to the point I was forced to skim over most of the story, all because I could't process what was happening without reading it close to twenty times.

Other than the one instance I pointed out, there are many, MANY, more that I would like to point out, but for the sake of trying to get through this, I won't.
Okay, past the part that I really hated, there were just a bunch of little things as well.

1. Your use of names. Yeah it's okay to use the names of the gladiators, but it's annoying when almost every sentence goes "Y did this.. Y did that.. Y killed this man, and Y laughed about it." Use adjectives or nicknames or something.

My gladiator, Chance, could be known as the young prince, red-head, and so on.
Errorbelnder's Bl.An.C could be the pseudo-android.

(I understand the use of Belle and Eriza's name though, what with trying to keep track of the two girls at the same time.)

Varying what you call people gladiators is a useful tip to keeping your audience entertained, and believe it or not, it can help with the pace of your story.
2. The actual sentence length. As I said earlier, your pace is really choppy. This is caused by a multitude of things, but one that is relatively easy to fix is sentence length.

The majority of your sentences end with a period and are pretty damn short. This leads to the "choppy" kind of reading that I mentioned. Try merging sentences together with commas and semi-colons, that way your reader won't have to stop after every fourth or fifth word. Also, sentence length does well with conveying the speed at which your story goes. Shorter sentences could used for action scenes, where you want the pace of the story to be faster; where as inversely, longer sentences are used more for plot-filled and slow scenes. Just try expanding your sentences and not making them so short; it's going to help you a lot.
3. Your LACK of plot. I get that this is wRHG and we challenge each other for battles and all that jazz, but a little plot goes a long way. It sets the stage for the rest of the story, and you can even tie in important events. Your work was literally one big battle, and the most story you had was in the very beginning (with Y entering the town) and the end (with Y waking up in the forest). You could make the story a little more exciting by adding some more dialogue between Y and the "sisters" right before Belle stabs at Y. Not a lot, just maybe a little banter between the two women before they get into the swing of things.

I'm not going to delve too much more into this subject, as I have a problem with putting too much plot into my stories.. But just keep that in mind.
4. Just a basic check-up, but you could seriously use some proofreading. I'm not sure if English is your native language or not, but even so, a little time taken to proofread can do a lot. It gets rid of little mistakes that you might have missed in the initial writing phase. Along with this, I'd like you to look into how to form sentences and use proper punctuation/grammar. You aren't bad by any means, but you still have a LOT of learning to do (especially with word flow).

Okay! That sums up mostly what I want to gripe about. I do have to give you some kudos though. I liked when Y took control of Belle to attack Eriza; that part was pretty clever.

I also liked some of the emotion you managed to put into your work. It wasn't well done, but it was there along with the effort, so good job on that~

Overall: You definitely have some work to do, and a lot of it seems. But not completely terrible for a first battle. However, why would you choose Shadow as your first opponent? A veteran writer with skills to boot, he's definitely a force to be reckoned with. XD Well good luck in your future battles!

[Will do Shadow's when I get home today]

03-26-2015, 09:07 AM
Next time, choose wisely on who you fight with. 'Tis all.

03-26-2015, 06:00 PM
Shadowkirby: Props for justifying the 'W'

Scatter: Props for balls. You sir, have earned my respect

I'd be more thorough and whatnot, but I'm never productive when something first comes out!

EDIT: I never said he didn't, but it still takes guts

03-26-2015, 06:02 PM
How bout we just accept the fact that Scatter wrote for this battle because he wanted to write, not because he wanted to beat Kirby.

If everybody fought everybody of equal skill, we wouldnt have new people coming all the time.

03-26-2015, 06:05 PM
RIP Scatter.

03-26-2015, 10:21 PM
If you guys are going to comment, at least say something about the story and not how Scatter loses.

I know it's funny to do it, but you know, try not to rub it in, yeah?

I'll probably edit in my CnC later~

03-26-2015, 10:27 PM
If you guys are going to comment, at least say something about the story and not how Scatter loses.

I know it's funny to do it, but you know, try not to rub it in, yeah?

Guilty. My bad.

If there is any advice to be given to you Scatter, is that your story wasn't very... compelling.
It's a solid, explanatory story, but it lacks heart. It lacks the emotion and characteristics that the fighters have. Even a soulless, heartless character goes through experience. Stories don't necessarily have to be scripts in order to be understandable. You're getting there Scatter. I suggest you be more outgoing.

03-27-2015, 07:17 PM
Just building on what the others have said so far:

As I said before, it takes guts to take on a vet right out of the gate, so again, you have earned my respect for that.

But anyway!

One of the first things I noticed is a quick little grammar thing, but when a new person begins speaking you should break it into a new paragraph. It helps your reader avoid a lot of confusion and makes your piece look cleaner.

“Is he on the target list Eriza?” One of the woman asked “I don’t know. No picture of him on here…” The other woman replied. “Hey are you Y?” The first woman asked. “...” The first woman looked at him in a odd way. “Hmph… So I guess you are… He’s on the list Eriza” “Okay Belle” “Let’s kick his ass!”

“Is he on the target list Eriza?” One of the woman asked

“I don’t know. No picture of him on here…” The other woman replied.

“Hey are you Y?” The first woman asked.


The first woman looked at him in a odd way. “Hmph… So I guess you are… He’s on the list Eriza”

“Okay Belle”

“Let’s kick his ass!”

Another thing that would do you some good is if you described the characters a bit as they were introduced. Chamel mentioned using nicknames and adjectives in place of names so you'll be able to keep a good rhythm going, but this initial description is where you're going to be getting most of that information. What do these mysterious women look like?

Appearance: Eliza has long, brushed hair that is dyed purple. Her eyes are glowing pink because of her resurrection, and uses contact lenses to hide them. Eliza has a single bullet scar on her forehead. She mostly likes to wear dresses; Victorian Gothic is one of her favorites. Eliza dresses in a long, dark-purple Victorian Gothic dress that reaches down to her ankles. Eliza's breast-size is a D-cup.

Belle has unkempt blonde hair, but she keeps them in pigtails; one big pigtail, one small pigtail. She has many stitches and scars from around her neck towards down her wrists to her legs. She wears a black leather bra with a white skull painted on her left cup while wearing a small, black, unzipped leather jacket. She's wearing tight black-and-white striped leggings with a small, tattered, red skirt that almost reaches to her knees along with a pair of Gothic boots. Belle's breast-size is a C-cup.
So boobies aside, that's a lot to work with and reference. Personally, when I introduce people I try to make it flow from what you'd notice when you look at first. So again, boobies aside, I'd like to think that'd be the eyes. After eyes, I'd think it'd be a safe bet to notice the rest of their face, then maybe the hair covering part of it, which trails down leading to the clothing.

Y strolled along until two women stood there standing in front of Y. Y stopped and looked at the women.

Y strolled along until two women stood there standing in front of Y. Y stopped and looked at the women, almost getting lost in their bright pink eyes. Long purple hair framed the face on the one on the right, trailing well past her shoulders on over a dress from several eras back. Gothic, perhaps? Regardless, it's violet highlights matched her hair perfectly, but when a gentle breeze ruffled her, Y could've sworn he saw an old gunshot wound on her forehead. Her companion beside her however, lacked a great deal of her refined elegance. Two blonde ponytails of different sizes fell from opposite sides of her head, and instead of covering up like her partner she wore an unzipped leather jacket revealing her bra for all to see. She did however, have black and white striped leggings under her tattered red skirt.

Always follow the eye!

Another thing is when you're describing combat, don't be afraid to slow it down a little bit to dig into the details. Even if something is fast paced you need to do it to show the extent of the damage. Now, I don't know how old you are so I feel like this is a bad movie reference to throw at you, but even in high action sequences like what 300's known for make use of that slow down. It shows every detail, and makes whoever's delivering the blow look pretty badass!

She jumped and was about to stab Y in the head until suddenly she fell to the ground with a sudden ache to her chest. Belle fell on her back slowly realizing the black shadow spear in her stomach.

She jumped and was about to stab Y in the head until a sudden impact rammed her in the waist, knocking the air out of her lungs before she slammed back on the ground even further back from where she started. It was mostly shock that kept her from knowing imminently, but as her confused eyes glanced down to her gut they burst wide at the sight of a spear impaling her stomach.

Next thing is just mixing up your sentences in general. Building off the way Chamel mentioned their length, they all seem to follow the same format as well. It's all Peron X ____ to person Y. Unfortunately this does begin to feel dry after a while, what other ways can you begin a sentence, and how else can it end?

Y looks at the girls and dashes towards Belle. Belle prepares herself until she suddenly relizes Y run past him. Y’s going after Eriza now, He slashes at Eriza with Eriza hardly dodging. Eriza gets stabbed in the back and Y spins his scythe around and launches her at Belle.

Y looks at the girls and dashes towards Belle. A thick wind presses against him as he charges, but before Belle is even prepared he sees him sprint past her, charging Eriza instead. The realization took both of guard, and the girl in the dress barely had time to dodge as the man slashed his weapon at her. A piercing pain stabbed through her back as Y followed up however, and as Y spun his scythe around, he prepared to launch it at Belle.

Just as a general idea.

All in all, I know you've got a bit of stuff to work on, but we've all got our starting points!

Not half bad, Scatter! I look forward to watching you grow!

Glad to see you fighting again man! I think the main thing that tripped me up was that you opened up in present tense but shifted suddenly when the clerk began speaking, and then went back after the fight had concluded. I don't know, it felt really weird for me, but other than that, I really enjoyed it! That's all I've got at the moment, I might add more later but I wouldn't expect it.