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Urako
03-27-2015, 01:55 PM
There was an incident with the poll that forced RuDe to close his thread. But thanks to copy and paste, we can pick up right where we left off.

But first, you'll want to know the characters.

Dozer (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?91455-Derrick-Ozer-(Dozer)) Vs. Rogue (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?92324-Rogue-The-Runaway).


RHG 2#: Dozer Vs. Rogue

The sun was hot. Although that’s what one would expect midday in the Sahara Desert. And standing in the back of a tour group wondering why on earth he came was a black haired, brown eyed, eighteen year old named Dozer. The wind, as mild as it was, still brushed the sand up upon his fair skin. It wasn’t too bad until about an hour ago when it started to scrape him. He felt his sweat drip from his hair and into his eyes. It was going to be a rough day. He shrugged it off. A cold shower and some fresh clothes would make him feel good as new. The real problem he had with this whole trip was the boredom. The group marched onward until they reached the site. It was just an old one-room house.

What kind of rip-off is this junk?

He was thinking to himself when the group arrived at the ruins. It was a dark tan clay house with strange symbols on it. That’s when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It was hand. He turned around just in time to meet it with force. He looked at the guy. He was tan, with messy blondish brown hair and greenish brown eyes. And he didn’t seem to show a trace of the exhaustion that inflicted the group. For a second, Dozer thought about calling for help, but had fallen behind even before he turned around to confront the guy. Besides that, if this guy were what Derrick thought he was, no one would be able to stand up to him. Instead, he just replied.

“You’re a gladiator aren’t you?”
“That’s right Derrick. I’m Jace Blake, but you can call me Rogue. I’m sure you must know why I’m here then?”
“To challenge me? Wait. How do you know my real name?”
“I can read your soul like an open book Dozer. Anyways, you are correct. I was looking at myself in the Gladiator’s database when several comments said that I couldn’t beat you. One thing led to another and it started a bet that I’m here to settle. Shall we start?”

Derrick hesitated. He dreaded to take unnecessary risks and this guy looked tough. Other than that, he knew his name and there was no telling what else he knew. He mustered up the courage and was about to reply when he heard a voice.

“Just get on with it already!”

Both Dozer and Rogue turned around to see the entire tourist group looking at them. Though neither gladiator could make out who spoke up. Some were filming, some were just watching, and in the front was the old tour guide with his tan hat and backpack full of water and cue cards. Derrick knew because he saw the man open his backpack and pull out one to read earlier when he thought that no one was looking. It only took one glance for Dozer to realize that it just wasn’t fair to leave the tourists with nothing but the garbage the guide called a tour. Especially after the high price they paid. Besides, He knew he could use the practice.

As long as they’re at a safe distance, I can do it.

“I accept your challenge! May the best man win!”

And with that, they were at each other. Dozer, as tired in the dry, unrelenting heat as he already was, charged two green charges and lunged forward. Both strikes however, failed to connect with their target. His opponent sidestepped and punched him back with a force that he did not know. He involuntarily clutched his stomach and briefly pondered what it was.

That energy. What is it? He said he could read souls. Can he also control his own?

He didn’t have the luxury to stop and figure it out. Jace hit him with a kick fueled by the same energy. It stung just as bad, but he quickly recovered in time to escape another blow and this time, he struck back. He landed a now blue charge in his opponent’s gut and followed up with a kick that knocked his opponent back. He then swung another blue charge at his opponent’s jaw, but a shield came up to absorb the blow. In spite of his, the sheer force still caused him to stagger backwards. Dozer sent a blow to his Opponent’s leg, but he dodged. A few more failed attempts to hit Rogue were followed by a few punches to the chest and a powered up uppercut from him. Derrick staggered backwards frustrated by the oncoming assault.

This isn’t going to work. I’ve got to try something else.

When his opponent was about to follow through with a punch, Dozer responded to his realization by kicking up sand and temporarily blinding him. Jace coughed and wiped his eyes. He wouldn’t be vulnerable for long, but that was all Derrick needed. He hit him on the side of the head then started charging his staff. Then, he ducked under a punch of retaliation and hit him under his extended arm with a green charge. His opponent recoiled. After that, he tried to fire a blue charge into his adversary’s chest, but Rogue used his soul to power a jump and dodge it. After that, everything started to go in slow motion for Dozer. He tried his hardest to adjust and block the impending attack, but he knew he would not be able to stop it. So all he could do was look up knowing that this was going to hurt. As things started to speed up again, he braced himself for the unavoidable pain. His opponent hit him square on the forehead with enough his force to create a shockwave and kick up the nearby dust. He collapsed to the ground coughing. He heard a cracking noise and felt something other than sweat trickle down his head. He didn’t want to know what it what it was, but he knew all too well. Everything was hazy. He saw his opponent pause to take a quick breath, but his still was unable to get up before his adversary was on top of him. Rogue started to form something and as blurry as it looked to him, Dozer could make out that it was a sword. A million thoughts swam through his mind, but the main one was out of frustration.

Oh come on! Everyone I’ve fought so far has the ability to summon a sword. Why? Is it a criterion?

Derrick reached quickly but subtly out his arm as not to alert his adversary. As soon as he felt the cold touch of his staff in the palm of his right hand. He started both charges and disarmed his unaware opponent with one strike. Then he grabbed him and emptied a blue charge into his stomach. Rogue was blown off of him long enough for him to get up. Then, Dozer fired a now purple charge at him. This time, it hit Jace directly and knocked him through the ruined building. He rubbed his forehead. His hand came back down with blood. Derrick groaned.

“That’s not good.”

Still, the blurriness was subsiding and he was winning. At least, he thought he was winning. He started charging his staff again just in case and finally, he approached the hole in the wall.

When he arrived at the entrance to the dark room, he was met by a burst of Rogue’s soul from out of the shadows. Startled, he barely managed to duck under it. Then, he fired off a red charge at where the shot came from. He missed, but it blew a hole in the opposite wall and illuminated part the room. It was a dusty old room with an empty interior and several shadowy corners. And Jace could be hiding in any of them. He cautiously looked around fore any sign of his opponent. In a few seconds, he got one. He saw another soul blast come at him and dodged to the side, but this time, he was caught in the blast and blown to the side he had chosen to dodge. That’s when he heard faint panting. Dozer was relieved to hear that his opponent was as tired as he was. He charged his staff again and fired at the noise, but Rogue was able to deflect the attack. It hit the roof right above him and started to crack it. Within moments it was going to crush him. He couldn’t just let Jace die and as dangerous as it was, he had to do something. So Derrick ran for it.

“Look out!”

As he entered the danger zone, the portion of roof started to collapse. He felt dust and clay pour down on him and wondered if he was even going to make it to him. His opponent was just ahead of him and still in danger of being crushed. Noticing this, he pushed himself forward with all of his effort. In doing so, he tackled Rogue and cleared the falling debris just in time. The shockwave however, knocked both of them to the floor. Dozer recovered first and ran to his opponent seeing that he was still struggling. Jace was finally beginning to show more signs of tiring. He put at charge just a few inches from Rogue’s throat.

“It appears that I won this challenge of ours.”
“Not yet.”

Dozer felt a sudden force of energy even stronger than before go directly into his gut. He felt several bones in his chest crack as he was launched through the hole in the roof and onto the roof itself. Another moment of pain and confusion hit him.

Ouch! He has a black soul mode?

He was barely able to finish before he puked up bile and blood. The smell in itself was sickening and in the heat of the sun, the nauseating fumes were amplified. He almost threw up again, but recovered. He had probably cracked several ribs and he knew he was definitely going to need to go to the hospital. And unfortunately for him, Rogue jumped onto the roof and picked him up. He proceeded with several jabs to Dozer’s chest and readied another black soul hit, but he broke free and kicked him in the chest back into he hole and picked up his staff. Derrick looked around and reluctantly jumped into the hole. He was immediately met by a kick. He blocked and countered with a jab from his staff and several small green charge strikes before Rogue blocked grabbed the staff. Derrick responded by kicking him in the groin. Rogue backed up slightly in pain, but before he got hit again, he was still able to release a shockwave. Dozer barely blocked and he was still knocked out of the building and into the sand.

How much longer is this going to go on?

He glanced up and saw his adversary head to the doorway and pause to catch his breath. This time, the break was much longer than the others.

The fight seems to be wearing him out too. If I can just hang in there for a little bit longer.

Then his opponent stepped out of the doorway and started launching several black projectiles. Dozer’s whole body was tired and hurt, but in pure adrenalin, he got up and fired blue charges at two of the missiles. Then he dodged to his left to avoid the rest. One particularly close blast came by but he jumped over it. He charged at Rogue jumping over another shot and finally coming down on him with a purple charge. His opponent however, created a black shield but the sheer force drove him back. He formed a sword and blocked two swings at him but Derrick disarmed him with an uppercut, kneed him, and hit him in the face with a red charge. His opponent staggered clearly exhausted and disoriented. He did a hamstring strike to knock Rogue to the ground so that he could finish him, but his opponent jumped into the air propelled by his soul. Derrick looked up and fired a green charge, but the guy used another dark soul blast the change his direction and escape the blast. He fired two more blasts at Dozer, but they both were blocked. His Adversary tried to hide it, but Derrick could tell that his opponent was about to collapse at any moment. When Jace landed he created a sword and turned around fast enough to block Dozer. He blocked an overhead strike and a side strike, but once again, he was disarmed. He collapsed to the ground and transformed back. Derrick had all but won. Dozer capitalized on this and once again had a charge at the guy’s throat. He replied gasping.

“Okay. You win. Just. Don’t kill me.”
“Well that’s good. Now I can call us an ambulance.”

Then, the tourist crowd erupted into a thunderous applause and the winner put away his staff and pulled out his phone. Finally, he held out his other hand to help Rogue up.

“Good game.”



The ground was muddy and smushy at some points . The fog was light but enough to make seeing a little harder . A dark figure was slowly moving into sight , his shoes slapping against the muddy and mushy ground . The wind blew . The night grew colder. He came into sight , at first glance he might’ve seemed like a regular person , though he came serious , expecting a good fight , a fight Rogue was gonna give him . The guy Rogue knew as Dozer moved in , grabbing for something on his back . It was a staff of dark brown wood , though as he saw it he knew what it was . An friend had warned him about it , the staff could shoot amazing blasts of energy at his opponents , he said it was capable of blowing up things like buildings in only a few shots . Though Rogue was cocky , he knew that as long as he didn’t get hit by it he was safe . His strategy was to hit him hard with some concentrated energy , if he were to get into a strength based fight he would lose . The man was 4 years older than him (18) and looked like he was experienced enough to really do some damage . Dozer made the first move , he pointed the staff at Rogue and concentrated a green energy , the blast came fast . Rogue dodged , rolling to the side . The blast was fairly strong , it blew Rogue off his feet , making him fly a few more feet to the side then expected. The impact wasn’t too hard . Though he knew too many hits like that would finish him .He staggered on to his feet and zoomed forward .Dozer was skilled with the staff , though he could only block a few hits before slipping up and giving enough time for Rogue to find an opening .After a few hits Rogue found he was actually starting to win, but as he thought he regretted it . Dozer hit him in the face with the staff with an blue energy trailing behind it , this brought Rogue back to reality . An hit with a staff is enough , but with something like what Dozer had hit him with made him see black for a second . Dozer kept coming at him taking advantage of the moment , hit after hit after hit . Rogue needed to do something fast or else things wouldn’t go so well .

Time was running out , FAST . He was losing energy and he didn’t have enough time to get straight up on his feet and dodge any of his attacks . As Rogue was starting to lose hope Dozer finally blew Rogue back with what would’ve been an finishing hit for anybody else .Rogue flew back hitting the ground rolling and then finally hitting his back on an tree . As the smoke cleared , he drew in a few breaths and prepared to get up . As he tried to get up he realized just how badly he was hurt . A few hits with the blue energy wasn’t bad , though he took way more than just a few hits . His body ached , his head banging . he was so beat and bruised he dropped back on his but after moving one muscle .

He groaned as Dozer approached “ I thought you would be better . you're really disappointing me . I didn't know I came out all the way here to beat up a little kid” he gloated . That was it . That’s what killed Rogue the most , he couldn’t stand it when people teased him , he hated it . The anger and rage at this comment was so strong he actually started growling . He got up , with an new energy and strength that he didn’t have before , though that wasn’t enough . He wanted more, He wanted power , He wanted a power he didn’t have when he was at school with all the bullies who ever teased him . The word kept repeating in his mind Power...Power...Power . Without even thinking about it he drew an energy that surpassed that of his own by far . A power that he usually forbid himself to use . Dark energy came from all around him . Swirling around him like a storm . It glew like fire even though the glow was black . He vision started going black , He could only see Dozer . As he grew even more powerful the word repeating in his mind changed from power to kill . Kill...Kill...Kill . He could see it now , the blood being shed from his 18 year old body . He flew forward with an speed he never got a real chance to experience .At one point he even had to close his eyes because his vision was blurring . But it didn’t matter , he could sense his soul .The same soul he intended to rip open . The first thing on Dozers face was fear . He tried to dodge , a fatal mistake . Compared to Rogue he was as fast as the slowest slug . He hit him Dozer went flying backwards . He learned from his mistake and tried the block . Another fatal mistake . This time Rogue kicked . A tooth flew out Dozers mouth . He fell to the floor . He spit blood . This time he tried something new . He grabbed his staff . He slammed one end on the floor and used concentrated energy to shoot himself into the night sky . Rogue just smiled at this , he actually almost laughed . He simply shot himself up and grabbed Dozer right out of the sky . Dozer had no where to go . Rogue smiled wide at the thought of what he was about to do . He shoot himself back down with an massive amount of energy and used Dozer as his landing pad . Dozer was utterly defeated . He was bleeding and broken . The hit was so massive it actually broke the ground underneath it . Rogue was ready for the final hit , the blood thirst was stimulating . He summoned an knife , long and sharp . The moonlight glinted on the knifes metal . As Rogue brung the knife down he realized the horror of what he was doing . The dark energy exited out of him . He collapsed onto the ground , right next to the unconscious body of his defeated but alive opponent . As everything faded to black he had time to whisper one word : “sorry”.


Hope you guys enjoy them! And may the best writer win!

Chamel
03-27-2015, 02:30 PM
Some quick little CnC, though excuse me if I do take a bit to finish it; I'll have to do it in increments at a time.. Anywho~


Okay. To start things off, I'd like to address the things I found most pleasing about your work.

1. I liked the energy you put into this piece. It's fast-paced and action packed, and doesn't seem to over do it (or at least there's some dialogue to break up some of the fight scenes).
2. Including Dozer's reluctance to fight near a crowded tourist area was a pretty nice touch. I liked that. (And it was kinda funny how in the end everyone clapped. Points for some sort of humor.)
3. While not entirely organized, or well put together, I did enjoy some of the battle choreography. It got pretty creative in some parts.

---
Now for the actual CnC.

1. First of all, some of the inner dialogue felt unnecessary


Oh come on! Everyone I’ve fought so far has the ability to summon a sword. Why? Is it a criterion?
^This one was probably the worst. It broke the seriousness of the battle, and not in a good way. It threw me off, and it didn't seem very appealing.


How much longer is this going to go on?
^While I understand the use of this one, it feels unnecessary; most likely due to the fact that it sounds like he's complaining. Something like "I don't know how much longer I can continue.." might have been more appropriate.

2. Some of your paragraphs are kinda blocky. Now this may be more an aesthetic thing, but it makes people a little more willing to read your work. Try spacing them out a bit.

3. As I stated earlier, your battle choreography wasn't bad, but it could definitely use some work. A lot of both gladiators' actions seemed a little abrupt, and a LOT of stuff happened in a mere sentence. Don't make them too much longer, but try putting a little description into some of the battle scenes, just for the reader's sake. It'll also give some leeway for a bit of flair.

4. Leaving some of the grammar mistakes for others [hopefully] have more time than me.. But I'll probably edit this little tidbit when I get the chance, just to give some suggestions <3

---

Overall, a pretty solid battle! Well done, man!
[[Will try to expand more on some these points when free time rolls around..]]



Okay, as I did with Urako, I'm going to point out some things I favored about your work.

1. Your choreography really wasn't that bad, and it was quite enjoyable.
2.At the start of the final paragraph, I have to admit I wasn't too optimistic about how it was going to go down, but I was actually wrong to a point. Your last paragraph, and the switch to the whole dark soul mode thing, was not as "bad" as I was expecting. By bad, I mean I didn't plan on the paragraph turning out like it; it admittedly beat my expectations.

---
Now on to the gripes...

1. First and foremost, is your paragraph spacing. It's literally three big chunks of text all smashed together into one, unappealing wall of words. The enter key is a VERY close friend to a writer. Try using it more often to break up walls of text like that; it also leads to better transitions between "scenes".

2. One of the bigger things I saw was your grammar; or more specifically, your use of the word "an" in place of "a".
-"We use an before words that start with a vowel sound, and a when they start with a consonant sound. The reason is very simple: the consonant ending sound of n in an helps to distinguish the two words. Otherwise, the vowel sounds would run together."
Examples:
-An hour ; as opposed to "A hour"
-An instrument; as opposed to "A instrument
-A writer ; as opposed to "An writer"

DO you see the pattern? It's all about the vowel and consonant sounds that precede the word. That's what defines whether to use "a" or "an"
[Hopefully that little quote and those few examples could be of some use.]

3. While I did enjoy your choreography quite a bit, I felt as if it needed more description; along with the entirety of the work... Just seemed to lack something.. Like it felt like the descriptions of the scene were fine, but they seemed too vague in quite a few parts. (I probably just reiterated that point too many times, but yolo). So in the end, you have definitely spent a bit more time on the descriptions, not just in the battle, but throughout the entire story as well. Descriptions are one of the major keys to a good story, don't forget that.

Not only that, but I saw a handful of grammar mistakes littered throughout the story (though not as many I expected, I must admit)

4. This might be more of personal gripe, but I know for certain that I do not like the look of how you spaced the punctuation. Spaces after are perfect, but spaces BEFORE the punctuation? What, why? I'm sorry, but that just bothers me.

5. Lastly, your senteNCE LENGTH. I seem to complain about this a lot, and I'm probably a hypocrite for doing so as well, but eh. Carrying on. Sentence length and structure are also vital to an exciting story, however you seemed to use a lot of short sentences (some of them were three to four words long, and there were several put together). Remember to use commas or semicolons if you want some fast-paced scenes; don't just use periods. It's just a little too repetitive..?

Overall: Not half bad, man. Pretty decent, but there is certainly quite a few things that you could work on. Good luck in the future!


Okay! My vote goes to Urako for this one. Good battle you two; pretty decent reads from both of you. Keep it up!

Urako
03-27-2015, 02:37 PM
Some quick little CnC, though excuse me if I do take a bit to finish it; I'll have to do it in increments at a time.. Anywho~


Okay. To start things off, I'd like to address the things I found most pleasing about your work.

1. I liked the energy you put into this piece. It's fast-paced and action packed, and doesn't seem to over do it (or at least there's some dialogue to break up some of the fight scenes).
2. Including Dozer's reluctance to fight near a crowded tourist area was a pretty nice touch. I liked that. (And it was kinda funny how in the end everyone clapped. Points for some sort of humor.)
3. While not entirely organized, or well put together, I did enjoy some of the battle choreography. It got pretty creative in some parts.

---
Now for the actual CnC.

1. First of all, some of the inner dialogue felt unnecessary


^This one was probably the worst. It broke the seriousness of the battle, and not in a good way. It threw me off, and it didn't seem very appealing.


^While I understand the use of this one, it feels unnecessary; most likely due to the fact that it sounds like he's complaining. Something like "I don't know how much longer I can continue.." might have been more appropriate.

2. Some of your paragraphs are kinda blocky. Now this may be more an aesthetic thing, but it makes people a little more willing to read your work. Try spacing them out a bit.

3. As I stated earlier, your battle choreography wasn't bad, but it could definitely use some work. A lot of both gladiators' actions seemed a little abrupt, and a LOT of stuff happened in a mere sentence. Don't make them too much longer, but try putting a little description into some of the battle scenes, just for the reader's sake. It'll also give some leeway for a bit of flair.

4. Leaving some of the grammar mistakes for others [hopefully] have more time than me.. But I'll probably edit this little tidbit when I get the chance, just to give some suggestions <3

---

Overall, a pretty solid battle! Well done, man!
[[Will try to expand more on some these points when free time rolls around..]]


Will work on Dozer's when I get the chance!

I'm slowly getting there. I'll work on the stuff you said.

One last thing. You said will work on Dozer's when you get the chance. I think you mean RuDe's but i could be wrong.

Chamel
03-27-2015, 09:18 PM
Whoops.. Totally meant RuDe... Thanks for catching the Urako~
P.S. Edit with CnC update in first post~

Crank
04-21-2015, 08:40 PM
Well this is overdue.

Urako:

In all honesty, I liked your piece a lot! Just adding on to what Chamel the Mammal said a couple important things to keep in mind is that your readers might slip up and forget what does what. Subtle reminders to what colors do what would be greatly appreciated, but other than that, I think the turning point moments should've been highlighted a bit more. I think you had some solid back and forth going on, but when someone diffidently takes the lead showing exactly how makes it more memorable and gives it more impact.

Then, Dozer fired a now purple charge at him. This time, it hit Jace directly and knocked him through the ruined building. He rubbed his forehead. His hand came back down with blood. Derrick groaned.

Then, Dozer fired a now purple charge at him. This time, it hit Jace directly chest, and as the force sent ripples through his shirt, his body was launched like a rag-doll out of a catapult, smashing through a wall of the ruined building, lending it further devastation. Cracks spider-webbed from the fresh, gaping hole as the body beyond it could be heard thudding against the floor, but as chucks of stone chipped off the top only to shatter below in the rest of the debris, Dozer rubbed his forehead, greeted instantly by a warm fluid. His hand came back down with blood. Derrick groaned.

As a rule of thumb, if it's important and changes the course of the story in some way, highlight it.

Other than that, you did PM me about improving your writing in general (which makes me feel kinda bad I only have one thing), but to be honest, the best thing you can really do is CnC some of the other people around here. To level with you completely, I don't think I've actually read a book in a year or two, everything has been from whatever forum wRHG was on at during the time. As you look at other people's stories you notice both good and bad things, and then when you go back to your own you work to implement them and keep them out prospectively. Takes a while to see change, but it's worth it.

I fully expect to see Chamel slit my throat one of these days with all he's been doing!


RuDe (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIh2xe4jnpk):
First thing isn't really bad, but it is something you should be aware of. Typically when people see big bricks of text it freaks them out. Just divide into a few more paragraphs and you should be good to go in that regard!

Anyway!

The first thing that I see that counts for real is using the same word after itself too soon. Unfortunately, this makes you sound repetitive and breaks up the flow a little bit. If you use Word, you can typically right click to see synonyms, or if not you can Google 'thesaurus' and that can help you out too.

The ground was muddy and mushy at some points . The fog was light but enough to make seeing a little harder . A dark figure was slowly moving into sight , his shoes slapping against the muddy and mushy ground .

The ground was muddy and mushy at some points . The fog was light but enough to make seeing a little harder . A dark figure was slowly moving into sight , his shoes slapping against the soaked soil.

As a small side note, lots of short sentences in a row make your story come off terse as well, as periods have pretty good stopping power. If you drive, a comma would be like a stop sign (assuming you actually do stop) where there's no traffic, where as you're waiting for a guy with a period.

The ground was muddy and mushy at some points and the fog was light, but still enough to make seeing a little harder . A dark figure was slowly moving into sight , his shoes slapping against the soaked soil.

Also, is there any reason you're adding a space after your punctuation? Unless that's a cultural thing, I'd advise stopping.

Next thing is something lots of people say in regards of writing. "Show, don't tell." In a nutshell, that pretty much means don't list what happens or just say it outright, describe them as they're going and the repercussions that follow. Simply stating facts might work in an essay, but it feels out of place in fiction.

His strategy was to hit him hard with some concentrated energy , if he were to get into a strength based fight he would lose . The man was 4 years older than him (18) and looked like he was experienced enough to really do some damage .

In truth, I'm not sure if you really need any of it, but you could very well keep the age, especially considering how young your guy is.

The man looked fresh out of high-school but somehow despite his clear complexion, it was obvious the world had been brutal to him. He looked beyond prepared for a fight, and considering he had about four years over the Runaway, Rouge bet he could pack a punch.

The last main thing goes back a bit to show not tell. They're basically everywhere, but have you seen like a wipeout clip? If not, I've got you covered!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xoFEVpW8-Hw

I recommend mute and other music though. That being said, the whole point of this isn't people getting smacked in the face by various objects, it's what immediately follows. Like dude who gets railed at about 2:20 by the revolving red thing like a sacked quarterback so hard that his shoes fly off before his face grinds against the platform before ultimately plummeting down. Same thing applies with writing fighting. It's one thing to say Rogue got hit in the face with a staff, but it's entirely different to show it in slow-mo.

Dozer hit him in the face with the staff with an blue energy trailing behind it , this brought Rogue back to reality .

Dozer hit him in the face with the staff with an blue energy trailing behind it, shattering his nose with a sickening crack while the force lifted him off his feet. His back struck the earth as the mucus-y crimson dribbled down to his mouth, but as he fought back the pain and spat it out, he knew it was reality check he needed.

And I think that should be a good start for now!

Pretty good story! I look forward to watching you improve!