View Full Version : wRHG Battle: Aiba (Ken_Rou) vs Zackeroar (XDHunterNest)

05-26-2015, 10:03 PM
So, this is my 6th battle and Hunter's 2nd, if I remember correctly. It took a while, but yeah, I'm proud of it. May the best man win!

wRHG Battle 6: Not-so-friendly fighting

"Wake up, my friend... Time, as always, is not on your side"

"Listen close to me Aiba. A new danger is upon you... And it is someone you are very familiar with... It is the ones that you share the same blood with"

"Prepare yourself Aiba. I am sure that our companions will be there for you, and you are strong enough to take them on"

"Now, awaken my friend... Awaken"

That was the dream I had before I woke up at the hospital a couple of months ago, after I defeated Yun.

It was my master who had spoken to me in that dream. I found it kind of weird that he referred to me as a "friend". I don't know how I should take that, to be dead honest with you.

After I left the hospital, I did manage to go to the Christmas party I was invited to, and a man named Dante was kind enough to create a new weapon for me. Seriously, Mikadsuchi(Mi-kuh-zu-chi) is awesome. It helps that I can use more electricity tricks with this thing. It's the greatest thing I've gotten in quite some time.

With the help of an old friend, I got some modifications to the spear, and got the remains of my katana incremented to the tip of the spear, which should, in theory, enable me to use Soul Mode again. I haven't had the time to confirm that though. All the rehabilitation stuff that the rest of the guys of my clan made me go through has given me little to no free time.

Well, I felt a lot better after some time off. The wound I got didn't leave any major scars, and I was able to train again in a month. Charlie told me I shouldn't be moving around so much after recovering from a near-fatal so soon, which I was actually surprised that I'd hear that kind of thing from him, but I've been back on my normal schedule.

We also got a new member in the clan, Venox. He apparently knows Vamprina, which wasn't too surprising based on his appearance (I'm not being racist, I swear). I hope he can contribute to the clan as much as Vamprina has... and not do the bat-shit crazy things that she does.

After looking through my e-mails, which the inbox was completely loaded after not responding whatsoever for the past couple of months, I decided to go train a little. A bit wouldn't hurt, right?

I grabbed my workout gear, and headed down stairs. It was another quiet day at the hideout, with Charlie sipping coffee and Vamprina watching TV, as usual.

"Isn't it a bit too early to be working out after having a punctured stomach?" Charlie questioned me as I went down the stairs.

"I fell fine, and I've been cleared to do physical activites. So why the hell not?"

"...You're a trooper alright..." Charlie said, sighing out loud.

I used the elevator to go underground, and saw Zackaroar at the entrance, swinging his That hasn't changed either in the past few months.

"Hey buddy. How's the training going?"

"Hello Aiba. Back to training already I see" Zackeroar said, impressed.

"Well, I got cleared by the hospital, so I thought I'd get back to training. Can't be recovering forever, right?"

"Indeed. Training can be part of your steps to full recovery as well. The sooner, the better"

Zackeroar seemed very happy recently. I'm not saying that he's usually grumpy or anything, but he's not the kind of guy you would see smiling all the time. And with the addition of a new clan member, which he was against, I thought he would be more pissed than usual. But I'm glad he's not.

Zackeroar led me to one of the rooms for individual training. The room is basically like a typical gym room, with weights and running machines. Speaking of Zack, he complained a lot when we suggested we get the running machines. The guy barely knows how to use a microwave, and he says that "running in place aimlessly" is a waste of time. Remember people, when it comes to buying things you want, it's easier to plead for forgiveness than to ask for permission. It applies to guys too, don't forget that.

After Zackeroar left, I got to the weights on the rack. I started with doing squats with 20kg dumbbells. It felt weird that I was mildly struggling with weights that I would usually breeze through. That hasn't happened in a while... Yun got me good, I guess.

I'm lucky that my spear is really light. Even in the condition I'm in right now, I've been able to swing that thing left and right without any problems.

After I finished up my usual routine, I went back to the main entrance to talk to Zackeroar again.

"Hey man, you wanna spar a little?" I said, with a smile on my face.

Zackeroar looked at my direction. He still had his helmet on, but I'm fairly sure that he was giving me a stupid look.

"Look, I know I said training was good for getting you back, but I didn't mean you to take it THAT far..." Zackeroar replied.

"I need to get back into the habit of fighting again. And come to think about it, I haven't legitimately fought against you yet. It'll be beneficial for the both of us, I swear"

"If you insist... I suppose so" Zackeroar said with a sigh.
"I'm not responsible for your injuries"

"I'm fine with that" I replied with a smile.

After agreeing to meet back in 15 minutes, I went back to the surface to grab Mikadsuchi, my kuda-yari. I've never used it against someone yet, so I was a little nervous about the fight. But I wasn't going to back from a fight I started.

As I went back underground, Charlie and Zackeroar waited for me at he front of the elevator.

"Are you sure you're ready for this buddy? I mean, you DID get cleared by the doctors only 2 days ago..." Charlie said, clearly not happy with the decision I made.

"I'll be fine, don't wory about it. Besides, I've been through worse. You should see the things I had to go through back when I was a..." I stopped myself mid-sentence, suddenly feeling uncomfortable with what I was about to say.

"You don't need to say anymore" Charlie said, presumably understand what I was about to say.

After a few minutes of convincing Charlie to monitor us, Zackeroar proceeded to walk to one of the training rooms designed for combat, the one similar to where I fought Zoe a while ago. As the door opened, the room was illuminated by the automatic light system, showing a plain, wide room that was more rugged and beaten up than I last remembered. I'm pretty sure Zackeroar caused the amount of damage. He's really taken a liking to holograms, and we weren't able to put the regenerating walls and holograms in the same room because it would focus way too much energy on generator. Even the power of money has its cost limits, apparently.

We both got into position, holding our spears tightly. I got to be honest with you, I was nervous to go against Zackeroar. I've seen what he's done with the holograms, and it's very, VERY frightening.

Zackeroar made the first move. He dashed forward, going for a shield strike. As I dodged the incoming shield, Zackeroar went low and did a legsweep on me, which hit me square on the back of my knees, causing me to fall on my back.

"Your legs are wide open. You're usually cautious about that" Zackeroar implied, staring at me on the ground.

"Yeah yeah I know, I still need some time to get used to fighting again... Quit worrying about me and work on your own problems, will ya?" I said as I got up and regained my stance.

I leaped backwards and swung Mikadsuchi around, generating electricity around me.

"A voltage field huh... When'd you learn to do that?" Zackeroar said, looking interested.

"As soon as I started training with this thing. It's really cool. Wanna see what it does?" I replied, with a big smile on my face.

"Don't mind if I do" Zackeroar said as he stepped forward, his spear raised high and mighty.

Our weapons clashed again and again, with sparks emitting from the two spears with each collision, trying to push each other backwards. I could clearly see the discomfort in Zackeroar's movement. And that's exactly how I want him to be right now.

Zackeroar went for a vertical swing, aiming for my left arm. As I swiftly dodged the incoming attack, I hit a palm strike on him with my open hand. There was a large crackle that rung through the room as Zackeroar was knocked back, clutching his stomach in pain.

"Agh... What was that?"

"Only the most annoying away to hurt someone"

"You don't mean..."

"Yup, static electricity. With the voltage field around me, I can make it hurt ten times more than it should, and make it happen almost anytime I touch someone"

I shook my hand lightly as I said "Don't get me wrong though, it hurts a lot on my end too."

As soon as I finished talking, I dashed towards Zackeroar, going for a thrust. He blocked the attack easily with his round shield, and proceeded to push me back. With his sheer amount of strength, he threw his spear at me full-speed. The spear barely missed my head, going past me like a bullet.

"Jesus christ... How many things have you killed with that kind of throw?" I spoke up, still astonished by the speed of the spear.

"Thousands and still counting. No one can throw spears quite like the spartans do" Zackeroar said proudly.

"No shit. I bet you can take an ogre's head off with that kind of impact"

"That was kill 637, I think"

"No way... You actually did?"

"More like a giant than an ogre, but yeah"

Even though we were supposed to be fighting, Zackeroar and I liked to trade battle stories once in a while. It was just awesome to hear what this guy is capable of. I'd trust him with my life whole-heartedly.

"Shall we go back to fighting then?" Zackeroar asked.

"Indeed, we shall"

Zackeroar pulled his short sword out, and held his shield in front of him, taunting me to attack. I stabbed Mikadsuchi to the ground, and pulled out my kukri and pistol.

Zackeroar started to run towards me, with his shield in front him. I shot at the shield to in order to get him to flinch. He didn't stop though, and he shrugged the force of the bullets off and proceeded in his attempt for a shield bash. I jumped back to avoid the incoming shield, and aimed my pistol at Zackeroar's now exposed head, and shot my final bullet in the magazine. The bullet decked Zackeroar on his helmet, right where the forehead would be located if the helmet wasn't in the way. I was using rubber-tipped bullets for this fight, but it still managed to create quite a dent on his helmet, one that would make the person wearing it struggle to remove it from their head.

As I expected, Zackeroar clutched hard onto his helmet, using all his might to remove it from his now injured head. A few seconds later, the helmet popped off of Zack's head, and he slammed the dented piece of armor hard onto the floor, holding his forehead in pain.

"Aaagh! WHY!?" Zackeroar screamed.

He started swinging his sword wildly at me, with the expression of rage clearly on his face. I blocked and dodged as his sharp blade slashed through the air, but was getting pushed back. When this guy goes full out, he completely forgets what personal safety is, and tends to attempt to slice any living being in front of him into mince meat. I've seen him do it to actual people. It's the most fucking gruesome thing that you'll ever see.

Eventually, the enraged spartan managed to hit me after a swift shield bash, which I failed to block and got slammed to the wall. He then proceeded to bang my head mercilessly onto the wall. After he was through with the bashing, Zackeroar stabbed his sword hard into the wall, merely a few millimeters from my face.

I could barely see the anger in his face, with his brows and forehead forming wrincles, and twitching. His long, black hair started to color itself white as snow, and his sky-blue eyes were now in the shade of blood-red.

"Zack... let's calm down alright?" I claimed, with my hands raised slightly above my head. Zackeroar did not seem to have an ear to listen though.

"Do you wish this to pierce your throat, or will you surrender like a coward?" Zackeroar said with a quiet, but powerful voice.

"Do I not have a choice here?"

"Don't play games with me, mortal!!"

Great, Zack's lost it. He has this thing called Rage Mode, which basically gives him a power boost, but he gets a liiiiiiitle more angry than he usually is. Hence the palette swap with his hair and eyes.
But, with his anger issues, he usually doesn't think with his head on straight. So, a little bit of smarts is all I need.

"Alright, I give up. Show me your mercy, if you wouldn't mind" I calmly answered his question, still with my hands up.

"What... did you just say?" Zackeroar said, now with a passive-aggressive kind of voice.

"You heard me, I call quits. I don't want to die right now, thank you very much"

Zackeroar, with his veins starting to be visible on his face, made his sword pierce through the wall even more.

"You, of all people... Would be such a fool and a coward... I've lost faith in you. You are not worthy to lead this group"

Zackeroar ripped the blade from the wall with all his might, and positioned to stab me through the head.

"You will perish before my blade, and I will command this clan!"

The rubble-covered blade swung down to claim my head. As the sword came within a few inches of my forehead, I teleported behind him. As the spartan turned to face me, I decked him right in the stomach with a punch. Zackeroar groaned in pain, his white hair swinging through the air .

He started swinging his sword wildly again, but this time I was prepared to parry him. As the two metal weapons clashed, I could feel that I was gradually losing my strength. Okay, I'll be honest. I think I'm pushing myself a little too hard right now. I honestly didn't know it was going to be. this intense.
If I'm going to do something, I should probably do it soon.

Zackeroar knocked the Kagutsuchi out of my hand, giving me only my pistol to protect myself. I dodged the incoming slashes to the best of my ability, but I was getting torn up as I gradually retreated to the wall behind me.

As the spartan raised his blade for the finishing blow, I stepped towards him and palm striked Zackeroar in the stomach, with a little assistance from my wind powers. He flew back a couple of meters, giving me enough time to get my kukri.

"Sorry buddy, I make this up to you later" I said as I held Kagutsuchi closely.

The blue aura started to form around me like mist, and got absorbed to me. I took a deep breath as the wounds I had disappeared. Good, my Soul Mode still works. At least to a certain degree.

The white-haired spartan charged at me, annoyance and hatred in his face. I quickly tripped him with a drop toe hold, making him hit his head hard on the asphalt. He still wasn't through, as he kicked and pounced at me when I tried to approach him, looking more like a wild beast than a proud warrior.

I know that feeling... The feeling that you have to do anything and everything to survive, even if you have to throw every sense of pride away. There won't be any pride for one self once they're dead. I have respect for Zackeroar for that reason. He knows what it's like to struggle onto life.

"DAMN YOU TO THE NETHERS!!!!! I AM THE BETTER WARRIOR!!!! I WILL NOT LOSE TO AN UNPOLISHED WARRIOR LIKE YOU!!!!!!" Zackeroar screamed at the top of his lungs.

"You're letting your anger get the best of you. Please, calm down..." I replied.

In response, Zackeroar picked up the spear in the ground, and swung it around wildly as he proceeded to attack me. I kept dodging his strikes, making myself closer to my spear as I took each step backwards.

Zackeroar went for my legs as he swung his weapon low, but I jumped backwards, landing right next to Mikatsuchi.

I retrieved the spear from the ground, and spun it in the air, with the air crackling and roaring as it formed a ring consisted of electricity and air in front of me. I launched the ring at Zackeroar, who barely dodged the move. I immediately dashed in for a swing, which hit Zackeroar directly on the head with the blunt part of the spear. As he fell to the ground, I grabbed his back and sent an electric shock, just to make sure he was out. It shouldn't kill him, but I'm fairly sure it'll knock him out for a while. I am not dealing with a guy that got bonked in the head in a fight, and has anger issues. No sir-ey.

"Good lord Zack, you sure can pick a fight..." I said as I deactivated Soul mode, and sat down.

I got my phone out, and called Charlie.

"Hey Charlie..."

"Lemme guess. You beat the hell out of Zack?"

"Well, yeah. And I could use some tylenol. Soul Mode isn't as convenient as I want it to be"

"Yeah yeah, just gimme a second"

As I waited, I thought about what the clan's future is like. Would we be broken apart by the conflicting personalities of each member, or would we able to find a way to unify? It left a lot of questions, but for now, everything should be alright. I have faith in all of my friends. They're smart and resourceful. I'll look over for whatever the future holds...

As I checked on my weapons, I took Kagutsuchi out of it's sheath. It was completely sharp. That isn't normal. It's suppsoed to be rusty, since soul mode is activated from this blade, and it drains the power of the blade. Something doesn't seem right here...

"There... is a lot of explaining to do"
A voice was suddenly heard.
I turned around to encounter the owner of the voice, only to be stunned by his presence.


To be continued....

Here's my part in our battle.
Zackeroar walked down the moonlit road, psyching himself up for what was to come. Sword and shield in hand, he wore his regular attire - Corinthian helmet, bronze breastplate, and tattered leggings with his spear tied to his back. He had to go on a manhunt for some idiot who was trying to summon Kronos the Destroyer. Apparently, he was in some dark alley in Cansad city.

"This is the place." Zackeroar said, eyeing the dark alley which was one of many in Cansad City. The Spartan walked through the alley, his head searching left and right for his target.

"Ah, Zackeroar. What a pleasant surprise! And by pleasant, I mean unpleasant." said a familiar voice. It came from a dark figure seated on a dumpster.
"Yes, Spartan. It is me, Aiba Kannagi. Your leader." The dark figure said as he walked into the light being shed by a nearby lamp post.
"You're trying to summon Kronos?"
"Hahaha. You really are stupid, are you?" Aiba said with a smug look on his face.
"Huh? What do you mean?"
"Tell me, demigod. Do you bleed? "
"You will!"

The two ran at each other in utter haste, Aiba summoning his Mikadsuchi and Zackeroar readying his hand to pull the sword out of its sheath. There was now a bright light in the once dim alley, electricity emiting from Aiba's weapon. As the two almost crossed, the Spartan unsheathed his scimitar, aiming for it to slice his opponent's stomach. Seeing this, Kannagi jumped into a front flip, his hands landing into a handstand as the demi-god rushed past, his sword now drawn.

"Great reflexes." Zackeroar thought.
"Didn't think you were going to kill me that fast, did you?" Aiba asked with a proud grin.

The Spartan backed up a bit, his eyes glaring at his former friend who was laughing heartily. He raised his sword and charged at his oppponent, shouting a war cry as he went. Aiba, too, ran at the enraged warrior, dragging his sword on the ground, gaining momentum and friction. The two swords clashed, sparks flying everywhere as Kannagi's kuda-yari hit Zackeroar's scimitar with all the friction, momentum, and heat it had gathered.

The son of Zeus disengaged and slid back as a result of the impact. Mercilessly, his former friend charged at the dazed warrior slashing left and right at the air, aiming at his enemy's head. Zackeroar managed to lean back as he regained control of his senses which caused Aiba's sword to slice the Spartan's cheek, leaving a deep wound in the face of his enemy.

Aiba Kannagi again charged at Zackeroar, eyes on his target, his sword ready to strike downward. As the kuda-yari swung down, the Spartan blocked with his shield and kicked the shin of his opponent, causing him to drop his weapon and kneel. He then sliced sidewards at the head of his foe who ducked down and performed an uppercut with both of his fists, dazing the son of Zeus and causing him to drop his weapon.

The leader of the Wind Chasers walked towards the street, his back facing his opponent - a sign of disrespect. As the demi-god regained his senses, he grabbed his spear from his back, cutting the rope that was tying it to his chestplate. He aimed his sights at his opponent, who just summoned his pistol. Bullets went flying as the Aiba shot at the charging Spartan, shield up front and spear in hand, aiming at his foe.

As Kannagi went to reload, the demi-god threw his spear accurately, hitting his opponent's pistol, causing it to drop to the ground. The elemental turned around and ran as fast as the wind. Zackeroar, too, ran after his opponent, sheathing his sword and picking up his spear as he went passed them. The weight of his armor was weighing him down and because of this, his opponent had already gotten a good distance from him. Crouching down, Aiba aimed down his sights and shot at the running Spartan.

Bullets went flying everywhere as Kannagi kept firing and bullets bouncing off the shield of Zackeroar. The Spartan, still running, got close to his opponent and slashed at his right hand, slicing halfway through and effectively made his foe drop the gun. The leader of the Wind Chasers shouted in pain, holding his right hand's wound with his left hand, now overflowing with blood.

The demi-god was merciless. He kicked his opponent to the gut, followed by a shield bash and a slice at his opponent's leg. His opponent kneeled down, bleeding all over. Still, the Spartan continued to punish his opponent with a plethora of kicks to the face and shield bashes all over. He finally sliced at his opponent's neck, hoping it would be the killing blow to end this brutal battle.

Aiba lay down, his face bloodied and bruised, his mouth flooding with blood, his body rendered useless by the stabs and shield bashes he had recieved. Zackeroar backed away from the body, dropping his shield and sword, both hands in his face.

"How could you do this? You were like a brother to me! You betrayed me!" said Zackeroar.

His enemy's wounds were now healing, unbeknownst to the Spartan who was still sobbing as he knelt down. When Aiba was fully healed, he got up, eyes glaring at his opponent for the pain he had caused him. He then proceeded to beat Zackeroar up, giving him a stab or two once in a while. The demi-god couldn't do anything as he dropped his sword, shield and spear earlier.

"Dear, Zeus, give me Wrath!"

Red lightning struck and gray raindrops dropped as the sky became dark. "Sh*t," Aiba muttered as he backed away from the now beaten and bruised Zackeroar. He watched as red lightning struck the laying body, whose hair now became gray and his eyes became red. The Spartan jumped to his feet and ran at Aiba, who was still shocked at what he saw. Picking up his scimitar as he ran past it, he kicked Aiba in the gut and stabbed his right leg. Aiba, regaining his senses, summoned his sword.

The demi-god charged at his opponent, who was holding his sword in a defensive manner. Zackeroar jumped and sliced downwards at his opponent, who blocked it with his sword. The grey-haired teenager punched his opponent in the face with his left hand and kicked him in the groin. He then proceeded to jump at his opponent, causing the Spartan to fall with Kannagi on top of him. The leader of the Wind Chasers then unsummoned his weapon and threw a myriad of punches to the face of the now dazed Spartan.

The demi-god kicked out of this and proceeded to kick the knee of his opponent causing him to kneel. He slowly got up and kicked his opponent's head, causing him to fall backwards. The Spartan then proceeded to punch his opponent mercilessly, although hampered by the beating his head had taken.

The wind blew Zackeroar away from his beatdown and the two opponents tried to regain their strength and stand up. Both eventually did, though battered and bruised. Aiba limped a little and the son of Zeus was a bit slow in his movements due to the beating of his head. Still, the two charged at each other. The Spartan dragging his sword along the concrete road, to gain friction and momentum, and his enemy held his sword ready to strike, emiting electricity.

The two finally clashed, causing a huge explosion as the mixture of the extreme amount of heat and electricity mixed and the strength of both the two opponents collided. The two were blown away.

"Never again?" Zackeroar weakly shouted as they both lay down a few meters from each other.
"Never again." replied his opponent.

Chaotic Penguin
05-27-2015, 01:05 AM
Hey. Personally I prefer Zackeroar's because it suits my style better, but I enjoyed both. I'm not sure if Aiba's just REALLY LONG or if it's just... excessive dialogue? That's what I think, at least.

05-27-2015, 03:09 AM
Hey. Personally I prefer Zackeroar's because it suits my style better, but I enjoyed both. I'm not sure if Aiba's just REALLY LONG or if it's just... excessive dialogue? That's what I think, at least.

Well excessive dialogue is not a bad thing deary~nor is having a long story~
^ w ^

Anyways~Oh boy, it's been a while since I've CnCed so please be patient with me as I go through both your battles~

I'll be honest, it looks really rushed. Like really badly. If there's one main thing for you to learn from this fight, is that you need to make sure to set aside time to proofread and edit your story properly since there are sentences which are unfinished, missing periods everywhere and basically there's an awkward flow to the whole story.

Now I haven't been following your tales for a while, so I'm CnCing this solely based on this story and not anything else (this also goes for Hunter).

You might have been busy, which is understandable, but still keep my main suggestion in mind deary; always make time for proofreading and editing. Doing that can really help in refining your piece and it's beneficial in improving your writing since it helps you detect mistakes in your own work. It's best to read it outloud and slowly.

However if you can't, have a friend to do it for you. You can even ask me if you want, I'm in your Skype anyways~!

If you don't want to do that then I would suggest a website called Grammarly. It's pretty good with proofreading, but you have to make a account though (yay for advertsements!)

Also your story is honestly a little awkward in dealing with the first person point-of-view/style. I do like the little digressions with Aiba telling us what he thinks, but it just didn't help the flow of the story. It felt out of place and disconnected, which didn't help since you usually switched tenses in those sections as well; changing from past tense to present tense.

Though honestly keeping to one tense in a story is pretty hard, even I find hard to catch and correct. I will also admit, having written in that style before, that there'll definitely be occasional spots of those switches in the story. Especially when you're telling it from a certain character's POV. But that's something to watch out next time when you're writing. The only thing you can do to improve about it is keep your eyes peeled when proofreading, practicing and continuing on writing in that point of view. You'll get better in time!

Also the dialogue in the beginning should be one paragraph together since they're being said by one person~

There were also parts with a lot of repetition of words. They're useful for an effect you may want to accomplish for a story, but they just made it look a bit...well, repetitious. It's mostly with the use of the word 'shield' and such. Which also ties in with my problem with your description.

Honestly, to me it's bordering the line of telling and actually describing. For the fighting, it's sometimes really good description like when Aiba uses his weapons especially his spear (it probably isn't, sorry for getting it wrong), but on other places it's just this guy did this and he did that after. Of course there's times when you need to be telling sometimes, like when it's an action such as lots of punching but it would be good to also add something there along it to not make it boring. Like maybe adding more of his thought processes.

I'm very intrigued about the story though, I hope you explain how the Master ended up there later on! I would really like that~

The choreography is also pretty nice, if not a little cartoonish but I like that anyways!

Overall, sorry to say deary, it's a pretty sloppy piece. Try to keep my suggestions in mind, or not; you decide if you take in my advice or not.

I hope to see more from you again though, and if you have any questions about this then just go on and shoot~
o w o

Your piece is definitely more well-polished than Ken's but it still has some problems.

The plot was pretty...vague? You had me interested with the possible summoning of Kronos and all. I was really curious in what you would do with that, but the battle didn't end with it being resolved, or even did anything with it. It was just fighting. I know that's the main thing for this, but I was curious to the reason why Aiba attacked his clanmate and wanted to kill him, as well as summon Kronos. And it didn't addressed that, which honestly just left me confused at the end and feel like it was lacking substance. I hope you expand on it later on at least.

You also had more of a telling and less of a describing battle, which didn't make me feel engaged or immersed into it. It was basically only the action of the characters and their reactions to it, which were pretty unbelievable and sort of bland? Like when Zack kicked Aiba in the shin, which would have probably fractured it pretty badly enough to bend it the wrong way.

What could have made it better, is that you could have also made the alley more of an active player like disadvantaging them both since they both have long weapons and it could have gotten stuck at some points, which would cause desperation and shenanigans to arise.

Also dragging weapons along the ground does not gain momentum. Friction, yes, but never momentum. They would have slowed down rather than moved faster. Just something to keep in mind. It's just purely for aesthetics when it's used in media.

Also another thing, knowing character motivations would have been helpful and helped the reader to at least feel something for the characters. It definitely would have spiced up the story in a good way and made me more invested in it. Maybe add a little bit of that next time~

All of this is basically fixed by just keep on writing and reading over your work, as well as thinking more than just the fight. It's a bit boring if it's just about the battle. Add more of a plot, make things more interesting! Make your reader interested!

Also the last part made me chuckle, so there's that~

Overall it was a bit of a 'meh' piece. There were lots of possibilities to make it a great battle but you didn't really take a strp forward which makes me sad, but I hope that you keep improving on this.

Anyways, if you got any questions about all this then just ask. I'll explain it more if need be~
o w o

Honestly it's really hard to say which I should vote for since both story needs lots of improvement~

Still I must choose and so I'll go with Hunter because it's a more polished piece~

Anyways, good luck to both of you~
> w <

Chaotic Penguin
05-27-2015, 04:29 AM
0.o Master Writing CnC'er in the house. I better watch what I write.

05-27-2015, 06:50 AM
Where were you for my first battle, Luna? ;-;

05-27-2015, 02:57 PM
Where were you for my first battle, Luna? ;-;

I was busy in my own world deary, sorry I wasn't able to give you any back then, but I'm actually making the effort to read battles now and actually CnC them~

Sorry again deary
. ~ .

05-27-2015, 08:27 PM
Cool, it's up! Thanks for the CnCs, too! May the best man win!

05-28-2015, 07:40 AM
Also I just noticed that it's not a public poll, I don't see the whole list of people of who voted for who. Please remember to make it public next time Ken~
o w o;

05-28-2015, 08:20 AM
Yeaaahhh my bad (ー ー;)

05-28-2015, 08:52 AM
I may not be an expert here, so you can disregard anything I say when it comes to making another story, but I like Zackeroar's better because I think yours has too much dialogue between every few moves the two of you make. Some dialogue is good, but that seemed excessive.

Also I just noticed that it's not a public poll, I don't see the whole list of people of who voted for who. Please remember to make it public next time Ken~
o w o;

You made me remake a battle page when my opponent made that mistake. And i was winning too. Also come to think of it, you weren't there for my first battle either.:(

Also, I have to admit. That Latios is really cute.

05-28-2015, 09:34 AM
I may not be an expert here, so you can disregard anything I say when it comes to making another story, but I like Zackeroar's better because I think yours has too much dialogue between every few moves the two of you make. Some dialogue is good, but that seemed excessive.

You made me remake a battle page when my opponent made that mistake. And i was winning too. Also come to think of it, you weren't there for my first battle either.:(

Also, I have to admit. That Latios is really cute.

I really needed to have someone proofread for me... I was really busy and think about it.

05-28-2015, 02:02 PM
You made me remake a battle page when my opponent made that mistake. And i was winning too. Also come to think of it, you weren't there for my first battle either.:(

Also, I have to admit. That Latios is really cute.

Well I'm making an exception here because of Ken busy with stuff that made him distracted. Also you still won your first battle even with the new voting page~

I haven't been reading anyone's battle in a while, since usually I never got to the end of anyone's stories. Unless I forced myself.

I've been wanting to get back on it and just recently I've been getting the push to. I'll be doing this more often.

Sorry I wasn't there for your first fight.

05-28-2015, 02:36 PM
Well I'm making an exception here because of Ken busy with stuff that made him distracted. Also you still won your first battle even with the new voting page~

I haven't been reading anyone's battle in a while, since usually I never got to the end of anyone's stories. Unless I forced myself.

I've been wanting to get back on it and just recently I've been getting the push to. I'll be doing this more often.

Sorry I wasn't there for your first fight.

Everything's fine. I'm honestly not really that upset. I understand completely that people are busy.

06-05-2015, 09:27 PM
God I’m late with this.



The first thing I want to address is with your opening. Dream sequences are cool and all, and I personally have lots of plans for flashback so it’s not like I’m in much of a position to smack talk, but setting is still important. Was it a vivid dream, or does he just recall the words? Either way, I think reactions are best paired with the event that causes them rather than after it’s ended. I feel like it would’ve worked better to show Aiba’s engagement with his master rather than have it broken up in pieces, which as Acute mentioned, isn’t necessarily something you should do with one speaker. Beyond that, make sure that people who speak formally do so throughout. Old dude’s busting out things like ‘Listen closely’, ‘companions’, ‘my friend’, and all this other stuff around those lines, but then he suddenly drops it to super casually with ‘take them on’. I don’t know, felt a little out of place to me, like maybe things like ‘combat’ them ‘strike them down’ ‘emerge victoriously’ would’ve kept with his level of speaking. Basically, when someone talks a certain way, be careful with it.

Additionally, the breaks between events don’t transition very well. I know you’re trying to handle a broad span of time and that’s admirable, but you can’t ‘I did this and then I did this’. How do they relate to each other, and what makes them relevant to the character? A new spear is good to know, but Dante doesn’t necessarily bring anything to the story (SUCK IT, CHROME!) so the name drop would primarily serve as distracting for anyone unfamiliar with the event. In truth, I think you could’ve gone directly from the dream to him with the spear. He is preparing himself with the weapon, so it’d be a fair jump so long as you keep them both important to each other.

and not do the bat-shit crazy things that she does.

I appreciate this pun.

For an example of the repeated words Acute mentioned though, here’s a pretty powerful example:

“Hey buddy. How's the training going?"

"Hello Aiba. Back to training already I see" Zackeroar said, impressed.

"Well, I got cleared by the hospital, so I thought I'd get back to training. Can't be recovering forever, right?"

"Indeed. Training can be part of your steps to full recovery as well. The sooner, the better”

Also, Zackeroar blew off Aiba’s question, which threw me off a little. Anyway though! When you use repeated words, especially in conversation, it makes everyone feel robotic. It just draws away from them being human and relatable when the conversation doesn’t flow naturally. If you wouldn’t respond that way to a friend/applicable person, you may want to rethink your wording.

“Hey buddy. How's the training going?"

“Not half bad. Why, are you about to start back up?"

"Well I got cleared by the hospital, so I thought I would. Can't be recovering forever, right?"

"Indeed. It can be part of your steps to full recovery as well. The sooner, the better”

Personally, I feel like his mood would’ve been better suited when he was first introduced. It’s always best to explain upfront than go back and say ‘by the way, this is why’.

Another quick little thing about what you need or don’t, is that you shouldn’t have your reader sit through your character’s normal routine. If there’s nothing of interest during it it makes it difficult to continue.

Aren’t holograms just images of light? If they have some sort of physical presence you may want a different word. Additionally, it’s worth mentioning what the characters are bringing to the fight. The spears were established, but I had to double take when he struck with a shield. Be sure the important things are defined, otherwise it could be damaging to your flow. Same deal with his sword. That came pretty out of nowhere too.

Adding onto the talking in combat bit, I think that’s fine, but only in moderation. Like, for example, if I were to engage in combat with someone and I punched him super hard in the face, we would not begin engaging in conversation immediately after. Maybe a word would be exchanged, but that’d be it. If you have a good chunk of action going on and there’s a reason for the break, I say go for it but still keep it down. It shouldn’t last longer than person A making his way to person B.

Similar with the combat, I think you should try describing what different powers do rather than stating it’s name or telling the reader outright beforehand. Rage mode especially was implied, and having Aiba personally define it out of character comes across like “I’m not convinced you have a high enough intelligence to understand this, so this is what this does.” I know it’s not what you mean, but it is still how it sounds.

In closing, make sure what you’re saying matters, you transition between scenes, watch repeated words and keep conversation from dominating the fight.

Also proofread. All in all, it could use some work, but I think I think you should be able to improve quite a bit from here.


Upfront, it’s really bizarre reading a fight where you don’t understand the motivation. More than the battle of a battle, I like the storyline. Why does what happen? I like the situations and the way they play out, but in this case I have absolutely no idea. Unfortunately if you give your reader something to question, they’ll be doing it your entire story which in turn draws a massive distraction away from it. Make sure everyone has clear motives and that you’re not forcing anyone out of character to push the story forward.

The next more major thing I noticed was a bit further down the road.

The demi-god was merciless.

Straight up, that’s a huge signal that gore is coming, and as a psychopath, that’s aways awesome to see. That being said, everything Zackeroar did there was simply told. If you’re going to go into the horror of someone’s action and your goal is to make your reader cringe or shy away from their screen, you need to go into the well, gory details. Like, Aiba’s scream as the shield smashed into his shin, shattering bone and sending the shards of calcium to puncture the skin, jagged pieces dripping blood as his leg beyond thrashed like rubber as he writhed in agony. But for every individual part of it. If what your character’s doing isn’t okay, make sure your reader sees the extent of it.

Similarly, when things change dramatically, give yourself some time to show how. Out of no where Zackeroar suddenly starts getting pounded on by Aiba. It’s really confusing, and without the proper context or warner or pace, I suppose, it shatters the flow and trips up your reader. After that, the flip occurred and Zackeroar changes without warning himself.

Unfortunately the last thing at the ends that resides with your reader is that nothing is resolved. Both characters did their absolute best to murder the other for not much of a reason, and then at the end, their just done. If my best friend Ryan pulled a knife on me and legit tried to stab me in the neck, our friendship would be 100% done. Actions have repercussions, don’t ignore them.

All in all, make sure you’ve got motives, show reactions (specifically physically, there was striking but dramatically less showing what it did to the second person), and make sure that your resolution resolves the conflict

For the sake of storyline, I gotta give it to Ken. Both of ya got room to improve, but hopefully you can do it together!

06-05-2015, 11:40 PM
Holy shit, I can't believe I managed a tie... Thanks for everyone who took the time to vote and do CnC! I really appreciate it!

06-06-2015, 05:58 PM
Lol it's a tie. Emeged. Great job Ken, and thanks to the guys who voted and CnC'd us.