View Full Version : Lien vs Penny Dreadful (oltarius vs Shock.WAV)

06-30-2015, 06:48 PM
Alright, here it is. My first battle and Shock's second battle. Please judge us fairly, and I hope you enjoy reading our battle!

A few weeks had passed since Lien had earned his freedom. At one point, he truly believed that he was no longer a prisoner to the mad scientist, but of course; he was still, very much under their control. Not that it mattered really, he was still free in some sense of the word, and as such, the emancipated boy took his time, slowly getting his bearings back and exploring his new-found freedom.

However, one calm evening, after returning home to his apartment from a long day, Lien found a single, white envelope lying on a table. Upon opening it up, a small picture fell out alongside a piece of paper.

The picture showed a woman in a black coat walking down a street. Her coat was mysteriously splattered with red and while she was walking away from the camera, Lien could notice the eerie-looking mask that she wore. Although the quality of the picture was fairly high, Lien couldn’t make much more out of the picture aside from those features. However, one small detail did catch his eye: a strange liquid seemed to ooze from one of the alleyways, even though the picture seemed to have been taken at night, the liquid was too dark to be water, and seemed to be tinted in a deep crimson.

Breaking his attention away from the photograph, Lien discovered that the piece of paper contained information regarding the woman in the picture.

Target: Penny Dreadful
This will serve as your first mission for us, Subject 11630. The woman in the picture is your target. Your main objective is to obtain begin combating against other members of RHG and in the process. The battle will be located at a small field just outside the city, tonight. Of course, your target has also been notified about this battle and will be at the area, fully knowing about the battle. And don’t forget, refusal in fighting so will result in your collar activating. Good luck, hehehe.

“*Tsk* I knew that this would eventually happen. Well, I better get started then.” Lien said, getting ready to leave once more.

When Lien left his apartment, the sun had already begun to fall underneath the horizon, but now, the crescent moon had already risen and a fog filled the streets, engulfing all that dared to enter. Approaching the outskirts of the city, Lien noticed a slim figure in the distance. Wearing a black coat, jeans and mask, the person was, without a doubt, his target.

“My name is Lien, and I take it that you are my opponent, Penny Dreadful?” He asked loudly. Lien noticed the figure look towards him, but instead of responding with a sentence, she instead opted to take out her machete. Its metal blade gleamed in the moonlight, making a distinct contrast with the dark outline of its wielder.

“I see,” Lien said, taking her silence as a form of response. With that, Lien stepped forward and raised his arms in a fighting stance. Focusing on his legs, Lien dashed forward with an instant burst of speed. While Penny appeared to have predicted his attacks generally form, she didn’t seem fast enough to respond to it effectively. He had hoped to take his opponent by surprise and attempt to end the battle as quickly as possible.

Using the momentum from his dash, Lien quickly leaped forward, kneeing Penny square on her stomach. The force was so great that Lien could feel a something akin to a ripple go through his opponent. The ‘ripple’ sent a blast of air through Penny and launched her off the ground and a few meters away. It was a perfect attack that would have caused internal bleeding alongside some ruptured organs. At least, that’s what Lien thought.

Though the attack launched Penny through the air, and made her land on the ground with a dull thud, the next moment showed Lien that he wasn’t fighting an ordinary human, but rather, something much more sinister. Penny pushed herself off of the ground and stood straight back up. She brushed the dirt off of her as if nothing had just occurred, and simply shifted her head towards at Lien. While Lien couldn’t read it off of her face, it was obvious that she was mocking him, telling him to try again.

”Damn, she must have some sort of special ability as well.” Lien told himself. He pondered over what other kind of abilities his opponent had, he would need some more time to specifically pinpoint what her ability was, but if Penny had some form of healing, then he would need to learn how it worked and what its limits were. But in this field of grass, there was nowhere to effectively hide or ambush from, and Lien couldn’t come up with any unique strategies, so there was only one thing that he could do if he wanted to come out victorious.

”Well. It looks like the only option I have left is to beat her down hard and fast.”Lien told himself. He still maintained his enhanced speed, and prepared to try out one of his techniques. In the next moment, it appeared as if nothing had occurred. Penny stood smugly, and Lien stood still. They were standing at a fair distance away from each other, having only 5 metres between themselves. After a few seconds of stillness, Penny took out a small knife and quickly threw it at Lien’s head. The knife flew through the air at a dazzling speed. However, instead of piercing the target as planned, the knife flew pass Lien harmlessly, leaving an empty hole where anything should be.

Then, the image of Lien completely disappeared from view as if it were never there. Not that it mattered, as he reappeared behind Penny almost immediately. Jumping up, Lien instantly performed a roundhouse kick mid-air. He could feel another ‘ripple’ explode out the side of Penny’s head on the opposite side where his kick had connected that sent Penny flying through the air. She landed with another thud around 5 meters away, lying on the ground for a good while. Lin wasn’t sure how powerful Penny’s healing ability was, but if she could survive getting her neck broken like that, then he would need to continue observing her for weaknesses.

However, Penny immediately stood back up straight. The only noticeable effect that his kick had had on her was that, her neck was bent at an unnatural angle to the side. Obviously, it had to be broken, forcing her to drop into a crippled heap on the ground, but instead of falling over, she simply brushed herself off as she stared at Lien through her now broken mask; the sight of a woman watching him from such an eerie position quickly sent a chill down Lien’s spine. As he predicted, winning the fight would become even more difficult than he first thought. As he was thinking, Penny’s neck realigned itself correctly, leaving behind no marks or indications that it have just been horribly mangled from his kick.

Temporarily ignoring the thought of going up again a seemingly unkillable opponent, Lien attempted to charge at Penny with his boosted legs once more. But this time, Penny had predicted this action, and raised her machetes in advance of his charge. As Lien reached her, she swung the machete with down, making a sharp noise as it went through the air. Her slash easily had enough force to split Lien’s head in two, and it would have if he didn’t dodge in time. But even with his enhanced speed, he could only barely dodge the tip of the machete by stopping his rush and stepping off-line. Because of this, he was temporarily off-balance, and Penny, without missing a beat, continued her assault.
Taking the opportunity, Penny immediately grabbed Lien’s neck and began chocking all the air out of him. Due to the sudden attack, Lien lost his concentration on his ability and flailed around in an attempt to get her to release him. But all he managed to do was punch her with an average powered fist. Penny’s cold gaze seemed to pierce him as she raised her machete again. It seemed that she wanted this to be the final strike, but Lien wasn’t going to give up that easily. Even though he couldn’t breathe, Lien tried concentrating again. Luckily, his ability wasn’t activated through his respiratory system and he boosted the strength of his arms.

While Lien was preoccupied with reactivating his ability, Penny already begun to swing her machete towards him. It cut through the air at a frightening speed, almost reached his head before he slammed his right fist against the blade of the machete. Although he ended up sacrificing his right hand entirely, he managed to shatter the machete. With her primary weapon destroyed, Penny increased the strength of her grip, almost ripping off his head in the process.

With a major obstacle gone, Lien decided to focus on his legs again. This time however, he focused on the strength of his leg muscles, and jumped back in an attempt to gain some distance. He was still out of breath from being choked and needed time to recover his breathing. However, as he was in the air, Penny quickly took out one of her knives and threw it at Lien.

Having neither time nor energy to dodge correctly, Lien was only left with attempting to intercept the knife. For all he knew, they might have been poisoned as well. He shifted his concentration from his legs into his hands. With that, his arms began to move at an increased speed, and he managed to catch the knife mid-air. He thought that would be the end of that and prepared to land back on the ground. But as he landed, he instantly felt a sharp pain in his knee.

Looking down, Lien yet another knife, only this one had been lodged into his flesh. While he was preoccupied with the first knife, Penny had thrown another one at the area where he would land. And as predicted, it had found its way through his kneecap. The pain quickly intensified, making Lien drop down onto his knee; his right arm was also bleeding heavily at this point and with two major limbs out of commission, he was as good as dead.

”Shit; I can’t believe that I let my guard down so easily, heh. Well at least I can tell that they aren’t poisoned now” Lien told himself he knew that any complex manoeuvers would be impossible for him to perform. Penny on the other hand, was unharmed and casually walked over to the kneeling boy with a knife tightly gripped. She raised it above her head and, without warning or stalling, swung downwards towards the boy.

“You should work on your fighting skills in your next life, boy.” She uttered, cold and uncaring as her knife flew downwards. Lien, ready for the attack, instinctively raised his left arm above himself, concentrating again to strengthen it.

Lien had experimented with his ability multiple times now, but it had never shut down on him before, and he could tell when it was activated. This time however, when he tried to concentrate and activate it, nothing happened. He couldn’t feel as if anything had occurred, but instead of his limb being powered up, Lien had instead lost control of his arms. Like they had separated from his entire being; he lost all feeling and senses in his arms.

Although he had lost control over his arms, they were still raised, and miserably attempting to defend against Penny’s knife. The next moment came as no surprise, and the air became filled with the sound of metal cutting against flesh and bone. Lien had already ruined his right arm when he destroyed the machete, but the pain only grew as his blood began oozing out of the wound.
“AAHH!” The boy screamed. The incomprehensible pain flooded his mind as the killer dislodged her knife from his right arm with a grunt, leaving the boy’s arm to fall onto the grass, limp and useless. The boy doubled over in pain as even more of his blood flowed out of his arm and tinted the grass below in its dark colour.

The killer raised her knife back into the air as she prepared to swing down at her victim. The blade glistened with an eerie shine against the pale moonlight as Lien’s blood tinkled down the edge of the knife and dropped down onto Penny’s coat, leaving behind small splatters of red. In this moment, an irrelevant thought came into Lien’s mind; that this image of Penny felt frighteningly similar to the picture taken of her down by the alleyway.

Once more, Penny swung down her knife, except this time, Lien pushed off of the ground with his right leg. It being the only uninjured limb remaining, Lien had to somehow think of a plan for victory.
”Dammit, what am I even supposed to do in this situation. I can’t continue charging forward like before, but I can’t come up with anything complicated either…” Lien told himself. Not only was he out of ideas and options, but also out of time. Penny turned around and faced Lien again. He couldn’t allow her to be able to get at him again.

As shameful as it sounds, Lien’s only remaining option was to get away from Penny by crawling across the ground by using his remaining leg and arm to push him backwards. However, due to his wounds and the resulting blood-loss, all he managed to was fall onto the ground. He was immobilised and the pain begun to numb his mind and body. His breathing became ragged with short intervals as he watched Penny walk over towards him.

Penny obviously noticed that Lien was out of options and walked as slowly and as calmly as she pleased towards the boy. She enjoyed watching the novice try to fight tooth and nail for survival, and eventually breaking. For that reason, she didn’t immediately strike him when she reached him. She just looked at him, as if examining a piece of artwork displayed at the museum. She held a bizarre combination of fascination and excitement in her eyes, savouring every second of his suffering.

”Damn it, think! I have to end this soon, and the only way I may be able to do that is if I can destroy her brain, and by now, I think that my ability should be reusable.” Lien thought. It was a win or lose scenario, and Lien had to bet everything he had on it. He focused deeply on his right leg and increased its speed, and in the split second that ensued, the boy threw away his thoughts of pain and pushed himself off of the ground with his foot and found himself upright in front of Penny.

Before Penny could react, he then directed his focus onto his right arm. Increasing its speed, he launched a lightning fast roundhouse punch to the side of her head. Aiming specifically for her pterion, if he could crush that, then hopefully he could reach her brain too. Lien wasn’t done with his assault either, just as his attack was about to land, Lien shifted his concentration from his arm and changed its boost from speed to strength. Strengthened from both its power and momentum, his punch landed solidly and its force rippled through her head.

The force of the attack blew Penny 10 metres away, and a dull thud could be heard as she fell to the ground. Out of energy, Lien slumped down and tried to rest, but Penny was trying to push herself up and off of the ground. Lien watched helplessly as she rose. She stared directly at him again, her cold eyes seemed to pierce through as panic flooded his senses; him as only to be relieved and confused as she then fell to the ground.

”What the… Did she heal her brain? But then, why did she fall over? Did I destroy another part of her body? Wait… Did I, break her neck as well?” Lien asked himself. Penny wasn’t moving anymore, but he had to be sure. Standing back up again, Lien slowly walked over to the seemingly dead Penny. Although his pain and anaemia began to catch up to him, he managed to arrive just in front of Penny after a few minutes of wobbling. She wasn’t moving anymore, but he had to be sure, and crouched down beside her. Charging his fist up, he concentrated on it once more, and unleashed his fist onto her skull; smashing it completely.

With the battle over, Lien fell onto his back and breathed heavily. His senses were all numbed, but he knew that everything was over. As he fell unconscious, he saw some people come over and pick him up. The last thing he heard as he was carried away was
“Very good Subject 11630, you have now officially won your first battle. Heal up well be ready for your next.”

At the time of Penny’s arrival, dawn was only just breaking. The skies to the east illuminated the designated battleground before her; an abandoned construction site on the outskirts of the city. The incomplete building was little more than the steel framework and concrete flooring, about four storeys complete before the fifth disappearing into miscellaneously placed girders. The left end of the building had a concrete staircase that went approximately two-and-seven-ninths up. They didn’t even make the third floor accessible before they started work on the fifth. As other people her age would say, ‘how even do’. Ugh, she almost felt herself lose a brain cell just thinking incorrect English…

The entire site was a discarded mess, with no evident structure to how it was being thrown together. It had been in its current state for as long as Penny could remember, possibly before she was even born. Luckily, however, there was someone older than she close by, someone whom was trying and failing to follow her without her knowing.

Penny turned to face the billboard behind her, eyeing the unmistakable half-breed figure of her minder. “I never knew w-why this site got c-…closed down. But I d-don’t suppose you might have some idea?” With little surprise, the figure disappeared before her very eyes, a flicker of flames, before materialising from a second pyrokinetic burst closer to the masked woman. “Aye, funny ye should ask,” the Ulster accent of Bridget Dempsey replied, “I do happen to recall hearing sometin’ about it in the office. Place was gon’ be some sort of shopping centre. Was meant to be a tree-year project, ended up bein’ scrapped after the first. Reckon the fella in charge ran out of fundin’.”
“So the RHG a-acquired it?”
“Well, not straight away, site was city council property 'til about nine, ten months ago.”

Penny noticed her escort’s vulpine ears twitch. With a look ahead followed by a smirk slowly growing on her face, Bridget changed the topic. “Anyways, hate to cut the history lesson short, but ya got company.” Following the fox-woman’s gaze, she saw a third figure on the scene, within the derelict structure’s ground floor. A young gent no older than she, likely a little younger, sporting a professional looking attire of black business suit. Around the neck appeared to be some strange ornament, perhaps made of copper, though Penny couldn’t tell from this far. With a nudge from her escort, she was made to approach the Agent-looking man, he in turn stepping forward to meet the two newcomers just by where the building’s main door would have been.

The man was the first to speak. “Which of you is Miss Dreadful?” Straightaway, Penny hated this man and everything he stood for.
“This one here,” Bridget replied on her behalf, indicating the masked woman to her left. “An’ you mus’ be Lien. Don’ waste yer breath tryin’ talk to her, lass is mute.”
“And you are?”
“Guess ye could say I’m her aide.” It wasn’t clear to Penny how Bridget thought she served this role to her. ‘Babysitter’ was a title much closer to home, she thought.
“I see. Well, I’m sure you probably won’t be permitted to interfere in the battle, madam.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it, lad. Just plannin’ on sittin’ back an’ watchin’, actually.” And with that, the half-breed retreated, bounding outside and leaping back to her earlier position on the billboard. She gave one final call to the Gladiators, “You kids have fun now, y’hear?”

Penny looked back to her opponent, taking the moment to evaluate. No clothing seemed to show the tell-tale lump of a concealed weapon, and his physique and the way he carried himself suggested average levels of stamina and athleticism. All in all, he didn’t seem prepared for a fight at all. Whatever he was bringing to this bout had better be something special, or he was just going to be another one of a long list of Ripper victims.

Meh. She was fine with that. The moment he spoke, Penny reached into her coat, and in one swift move brought her head to decapitate the boy.

“Well, then, Miss Dreadful-“ Whoosh-THUNK. “…I was going to ask how we were going to go about this…” Even if Penny could talk, she’d be speechless right now. The man stopped her blade with his bare hand, which upon closer inspection looked like a flesh-concrete hybrid. “…But after that cheap move, I guess the hard way it is.” Lien wrenched it from her grip, tauntingly holding it between his fingers as he stepped backward into the structure. Penny followed not far behind, her mask concealing a look of ire. Nobody took her things from her.Nobody.

Alternative strategy was required. Whatever this pseudo-armour was, Penny was going to test it until it broke. From her sleeves she produced two knives and began her assault.

The parry of stabs, blocks, punches and evasions played out in similar fashion to her last battle with the monstrous Light. Once again, Penny was searching in vain for weak spots in her opponent’s defence, but finding none physical. As she had guessed, his skill in combat was fairly amateur; the confiscated weapon had been foolishly dropped to the floor, showing no knowledge in armed combat. Furthermore, Lien was too focused on defending any attack that came his way as it happened. He wasn’t reading her movements, not predicting her next moves effectively. Any punches he was lucky enough to land had decent force behind them, and after a while Penny’s arms began to ache from defending. She suspected with how her right arm was struggling to hold its own weight that it had probably been fractured.

That was one concern, but arguably not the main. The worst fracture she’d had to date, not counting instances of dismemberment, took a little over two hours to heal. Something like this was nothing, five minutes at the most. But that was only if she could give it a chance to rest. This didn’t seem to be possible, given the circumstance. It was strange, and quite worrying, but the barrage of attacks seemed to be rapidly increasing to inhuman levels of speed. What’s more, they were getting more accurate, too close to normal human weak points for comfort. Penny was forced to surrender ground, taking two steps back in retreat to reassess. She couldn’t make sense of whatever this ability was. Flesh like stone- No wait, they seemed normal now? When did that happen, more importantly why?

“If this is all you can do,” Lien began to sneer, face remaining stoic and professional, “Then this bout won’t last much longer. I can adapt to any combat situation. That means I’m better than you, no matter what you do. Stronger, faster, smarter, blah blah blah…”

Smarter. Than Penny.


At this stage, there was one single thought running through the young woman’s head; KILL.

With no calculation or forethought whatsoever, but a great sudden rage-fuelled shriek, Penny launched the knife from her good arm toward the Agent Lien with every ounce of her might, only for it to phase through his head. Before she could put two and two together, a fist had sunk into her gut, the impact sending a shockwave through her entire being and sending her flying backward into a steel beam. A sickening crunch was heard, and as she stumbled to her feet, what had caused it became clear; her already broken arm had dislocated, and was dangling limp from her shoulder. Damp patches of red slowly grew on her coat; blood trickled down her sleeve and between her fingers before dripping to the floor. She was visibly stunned, swaying and stumbling a few steps forward and another back to keep balance, breathing slow and laboured.

Despite her state, she could hear footsteps slowly coming closer. “Struck a nerve there, did I?” Lien’s voice still showed no particular emotion, but his words were still blatant mockery. The footsteps ceased momentarily before resuming with an accompaniment of metal scraping on concrete. “I wonder what it could have been I said to make you respond … like that.” Penny felt herself pushed back, bumping into the beam again. “If I had to guess… maybe the thought of someone superior to you is something you disagree with? Honestly, how childish.” She could feel cold metal of her machete on her neck. “And I’m fairly sure you’re the older of us.”

Now she was old and stupid. Penny would do something irrational again if she hadn’t realised what Lien was up to. Pity he hadn’t cottoned on to what she was doing.

As if an attack like that would debilitate Penny more so than she was letting on.

The matter at hand required alternate alternate strategies. She was taking the time to mentally review the earlier exchange of blows. Lien’s arms were like stone at first, but they returned to flesh before he tricked her with moving faster than the human eye could follow. It would be more effective to combine such abilities in combat. In fact, it was only logical to do so. Which could only mean…?

Ah. An advantage, at last.

Penny abandoned her façade, grasping the weapon in Lien’s hand with her good arm and attempting to wrench it from his grasp. Of course, she didn’t have enough strength to succeed in this and knew it, but the plan required her surrendering herself to a few blows. With her hold on the armed hand firm and unyielding, Lien resorted to throwing punches at Penny’s back. One, two, three. Each substantially more painful than the last, the interval between each impact increasing. Perfect, theory confirmed. In one swift move, Penny pivoted herself round to face the next blow, aiming herself to take it on her shoulder. A second crunch echoed through the structure. Penny’s right arm sprung to life once more, joining its left companion and finally freeing her weapon from the thieving Agent. Her next calculation required her to move quickly; ducking to her left, Penny narrowly missed being punched with the force of a truck, the steel beam buckling under the impact. She was lucky that wasn’t a crucial support column.

Now she was in the prime position to conclude this skirmish. Blade pointed to Lien’s leg, she threw all her might behind a powerful thrust, running the blade clean through his thigh. A spurt of blood decorated the scene as the Agent fell under his weight, Penny now standing over him as she straightened herself.

What followed was a brutal series of stabs until the suited meat bag stopped struggling. It was only able to defend itself from the first few blows, only through placing its arms in the path of Penny’s knives. Foolish, desperate attempts to fight the inevitable. The racket it was making was fairly imprudent, too; the only one around to hear its squealing was the spectator who wasn’t permitted to interfere. Again, and again, and again, Penny sank her daggers into the chest, blood spewing and oozing from wounds, floor now sodden in crimson fluid.

Finally, the relentless stabbing stopped with the final knife left deep in the man’s neck. As the life fade from its eyes, the Ripper’s voice was the last thing Lien heard.

“’Adapt’ to that, you arrogant little f---.”

The corpse slumped to the floor. The construction site fell silent.


“Well now,” Bridget sighed as she greeted Penny by the entrance, “That was… horrible. Might lose some sleep after that.”
Penny didn’t look to her aide, but replied to show she wasn’t ignoring her. “…C-Can we go, now…? I want to change into s-some- some clean clothes…”
“I mean, seriously,” the half-breed nodded to indicate that they could leave, “you are one f---ed up kid. Never seen nuthin’ like it. Blood everywhere, it’s one hell of a mess to clean, y’know.”
“…Y-You don’t clean it, so what does it m-matter to you…?”
“Pssh, it dunna. Jus’ pityin’ the Groundskeeper. Shoulda seen him flip this one time, this pub back home utterly f---in’ trashed. ‘E’s all like, ‘’Oo did this’, an' of course we all point to Myers…”

07-02-2015, 02:52 PM
I liked this battle a lot, for some reason I can't get enough of Shock.WAV's writing though :3

07-02-2015, 10:23 PM
Your writing is very repetitive Oltarius. Try to cut down on redundancy as much as possible. You don't need to tell the audience twice that Lien needs to make sure Penny is dead. You have also seen the comma, saw that it was vaguely club-shaped, and in irony decided to beat it like a dead horse. Sometimes you're combining so many dependent and independent clauses that one sentence warrants half a paragraph. If you don't know how a comma works then it's better not to use it at all. Then we can give you CnC on how to use it later, giving examples in your stories when to make two sentences come together.
Your more damaging moments also seem to lack impact, regardless how far they fly.
"Using the momentum from his dash, Lien quickly leaped forward, kneeing Penny square on her stomach. The force was so great that Lien could feel a something akin to a ripple go through his opponent. The ‘ripple’ sent a blast of air through Penny and launched her off the ground and a few meters away. It was a perfect attack that would have caused internal bleeding alongside some ruptured organs. At least, that’s what Lien thought."
You make it too narrative which doesn't flow as well nor sound as awesome. You could describe the ripple and the satisfaction it brought to have his knee sunken deep into his opponent before Penny then departed hastily into a tree or something. Then you could describe the injuries instead of saying what they should've done. You did it with the neck, why not here? Say she coughed up a significant amount of blood or something before she then stood up as though nothing ever happened.
But... you're pretty good otherwise mate, keep up the good work.

I'll bring more on Shock.WAV's part later.

07-03-2015, 08:10 PM
Holy crap...
Shock's ending... Shock's ending... XD

07-03-2015, 08:15 PM
First off, props for taking on a guy like Shock for your first fight! Ya got balls, and I respect that!

Anyway, taking it from the very top, any kind of freedom is absolutely exhilarating. Like, I love my parents and they were anything but strict with rules, but when I moved out I still felt like a legend. Major life events greatly effect your emotions, no matter how few you have, but in this grand moment of glorious (yet limited) freedom, it just felt dry. It's your first chance to introduce your reader to the character, but it isn't really something we can connect to. It's just the facts as they are.

A few weeks had passed since Lien had earned his freedom. At one point, he truly believed that he was no longer a prisoner to the mad scientist, but of course; he was still, very much under their control. Not that it mattered really, he was still free in some sense of the word, and as such, the emancipated boy took his time, slowly getting his bearings back and exploring his new-found freedom.

How long had it been? Lien's gaze held steady on the brilliant horizon, watching as oranges from the setting sun began blending with the blues that painted the sky. Two weeks? A soft breeze caressed his cheek as he shook his head. No, three. Three weeks since he'd been a prisoner, three weeks since he was forced to end the life of whatever monster was left in Erika's empty shell. Three weeks since was contained in that godless, filthy land of nightmare. A heavy inhale pulled pure, fresh winter air into his lungs. It had been almost alien to him, but now he longed it like a drug. Even if his freedom was still limited, this was still what he'd been dreaming about for almost a year. For the first time in a long time, the corner of his cheek lifted into a small smile and he found himself lost in the tranquility of nature.

Next thing make sure first impressions carry the intended effect of the character. While the picture did infer Penny straight murdered someone, it was still told again, in a highly factual manner, so as a reader my reaction to it was more along the lines of "Indeed" rather then "Oh crap". Even if your character isn't concerned you can still convey threat with stronger words.

The picture showed a woman in a black coat walking down a street. Her coat was mysteriously splattered with red and while she was walking away from the camera, Lien could notice the eerie-looking mask that she wore.

The picture showed a woman dressed in black striding into the darkness, although the light she was leaving behind illuminated the liquid on her coat. A thick splatter of red covered her like another layer of clothes, and even as they dripped down her leather she seemed to pay no mind. Not that her expression could be seen anyway. Shielding her face appeared to be dead pale porcelain mask of some kind, almost the kind of thing you'd see on a doll. Actually calling her 'Doll' however, just felt out of the question.

When Lien left his apartment, the sun had already begun to fall underneath the horizon, but now, the crescent moon had already risen and a fog filled the streets, engulfing all that dared to enter.

I like this very much.

Anyway though! I think the last thing I really want to talk about is adding emotion into your fight. It's like having cereal without milk. Sure, I mean you can do it, but for the most part you have to plan ahead for that. If you pour a bowl and then open your fridge in dismay, tears are going to be streaming. It's important that the two are interconnected and sorta soak each other up, so to speak. Lien had many moments that as a person would've "Aaaaand done"d, but he still fights through and perseveres against the odds. I would've liked to see his struggle a bit more in the metal regards, as well as that sort of thing peppered into the story in general a bit more.

All in all though, a very good first fight, I look forward to seeing more from you!

Shock, I have to practice waking up ungodly early for the day after tomorrow, so I'll try to give you some CnC when I wake up after stop hating everything!

But before I pass out, this way lit me up!

“Pssh, it dunna. Jus’ pityin’ the Groundskeeper. Shoulda seen him flip this one time, this pub back home utterly f---in’ trashed. ‘E’s all like, ‘’Oo did this’, an' of course we all point to Myers…”

07-03-2015, 11:58 PM
First off, props for taking on a guy like Shock for your first fight! Ya got balls, and I respect that!

Haha, to be honest, I accepted his challenge because I was excited to have my first battle. I didn't fully realise exactly what I was up against until I read his other battle xD

07-04-2015, 01:09 AM
It's like having cereal without milk. Sure, I mean you can do it, but for the most part you have to plan ahead for that. If you pour a bowl and then open your fridge in dismay, tears are going to be streaming.

I have nightmares about this.

07-04-2015, 04:17 AM
And that's why there's 2 gallons of milk in my fridge right now.

Other than that, geez Shock! I honestly can't think of anything you're missing. Your story was short and sweet ('sweet' for expression reasons only mind you), the fight had a solid flow and all the character interactions felt spot on. I especially liked the accent and Penny's stutter, you really don't see much of either of those much these days!

I don't know what to tell you man, it was just really good! I can't think of anything I'd add

07-04-2015, 08:39 PM
Uh Shock, I have one piece of CnC advice for you: Typos. You had lots of them, please fix them before posting a battle :P
Otherwise it was a really enjoyable read. Good work mate.

Edit: After voting I saw the results. I'm sorry oltarius.