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Vern
07-02-2015, 12:43 AM
Hey all, so Urako and me finished quite fast. This is our third battle, and my first for Gamma.

Without further ado, here they are :


https://www.icloud.com/pages/AwBWCAESEPFZGoG-wepMTfhr9XNUDMkaKnC8Ev-igwRRVXQp0gx96Tm9p4YHorDlSs9ABTC2oIvaGm32Rw2jx6YGY AMCUCAQEEICnPZ4SVTx12fbwPYoyMTUPgJ7dLRBXMNY0CWZvAr 0wl#Blank

GDOCS version (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rkkwsW9NDw2jr1JC7KAPMK1tL-1vMSPogssL8E1xol8/edit?usp=sharing)


https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mlWbk7nPpS3-khet5crUyQ4QE7q22ARVSjh2989M4ck/edit?usp=sharing

Here's a link to our fighters for those who don't know what they do :

Agent Gamma (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?95159-Agent-%26%23915%3B-Gamma)
Dozer (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?91455-Derrick-Ozer-(Dozer))

Good luck to Urako, most of fun to you reading and may the best writer win.

Vern's notes :
Just like last time, the '~' signifies a change of perspective for those it might confuse
I tried to keep it shorter than I usually do. At first I had 9 pages but after revising it it became 12... Welp

Urako
07-02-2015, 08:46 AM
Okay a few notes on two similarities for both of them.

1# Both of them involve sunset.
2# Both of them have Dozer offer to call it a draw prematurely.


I would also like to point out that your character is a huge jerk on pages 9 and 11 of yours:p

Vern
07-02-2015, 09:08 AM
I would also like to point out that your character is a huge jerk on pages 9 and 11 of yours:p

Well....


"and while he may sometimes act arrogant and cocky in order to infuriate or taunt his opponent, he always keeps his wits about him."

and aside of that he's just an asshole in general. What'd you expect from a professional killer, a happy upbeat likely person? I hate to break it to you but he's not a psycho :3.

Concerning the draw thing : I'd figured that'd be something for Derrick to do, especially considering that he was already tired and doesn't really feel like fighting in general.
Concerning the sunset : Well I like sunrises and sunsets, but a sunset simply seemed more plausible given the current scenario ;)

Urako
07-02-2015, 09:12 AM
Well....



and aside of that he's just an asshole in general. What'd you expect from a professional killer, a happy upbeat likely person? I hate to break it to you but he's not a psycho :3.

Concerning the draw thing : I'd figured that'd be something for Derrick to do, especially considering that he was already tired and doesn't really feel like fighting in general.
Concerning the sunset : Well I like sunrises and sunsets, but a sunset simply seemed more plausible given the current scenario ;)

I'd actually expect a professional killer to be professional. And it was just a commentary. Nothing wrong with it.

Also i was bit off. He's also an incredible jerk on page 10.

Vern
07-02-2015, 09:15 AM
I'd actually expect a professional killer to be professional. And it was just a commentary. Nothing wrong with it.

Why do people always think I'm offended? Lol it's no problem I was just pointing it out :D

Also, well he's a professional but he's well aware of the potential in verbally harassing an opponent in certain scenarios. This guy will use all the tricks in the book if he has to ;)

PitchEnder
07-02-2015, 09:28 AM
Is there any tricks in that book about robots :D... Just so I know for future reference

Vern
07-02-2015, 06:24 PM
Is there any tricks in that book about robots :D... Just so I know for future reference

I'm sure The Organization has plenty of equipment available that should give him the edge he needs over mechanic foes. I'm sure they have some rocket launchers or EMP weapons lying around. (Or maybe even a railgun? Who knows, only time and the writer can tell >:3)

Now, Urako I've read your battle and

It's actually quite good :D No really, I loved the setting and I loved the way you sketched Gamma (mostly), you did really manage to capture his essence.
Now, no story is without fault (mine isn't either, feel free to comment any way you'd like).

While you did portray Gamma almost correctly, you had him go wildly out of character not once, not twice but three times. Three times (possibly even more?) he had the opportunity to take care of Dozer, but instead he slowed down as "he was in no haste to eliminate his struggling foe", or he pulled the old generic bad guy trick of monologueing before killing his opponent (which he did twice). While I can certainly understand that you did so to tune him down and to give Urako more of a chance without making the fight onesided, I just feel as if I need to clarify that Gamma does not hesitate to grab an opportunity as soon as it arises. If he could shoot you in the back of the head, he would do so immediately without any prior talking. (Hey it's no problem man, that happens and there's no way to get someone else's char a 100% right. Surely I made some discrepancies with Dozer as well ^^)

You did manage to get the hand to hand fighting largely correct, good job there ^^. Gamma's "Personal Defence" is largely superior to most fighting styles, but relies on the prediction of your opponent's moves. According to your profile, Dozer fights with an improvised fighting style which makes him considerably less predictable, which in turn should lead to a stalemate in most hand-to-hand confrontations, though Gamma will always pertain the advantage when defending rather than attacking.

Other than that just a few nitpicks to be honest. He's a master of stealth, so he wouldn't need to have his ACU active all the time to remain out of Dozer's sight, ESPECIALLY during night time. For the rest, Gamma's suit provides decent protection against blunt force, which is practically what your kinetic charges apply to their opponents. Blunt force is impact, so if a charge hit him and it would send him flying against a wall, that would certainly be many times less bothersome than it would be if he were not wearing the suit. (This is because of the suit's dense layout, it dampens most impacts before it can reach his body). Ofcourse, if the suit's pierced that's a whole different story.

Welp, but that doesn't take away from the quality of your story ^^. Lots of action, good portrayal of Gamma all around (his dialogue and tricks were honestly better than I felt I did in my own battle, I can't help but feel as if we gave each other's fighters more personality than we did to our own ~_~). Setting was nice too, lots of playground and variation in scenery all around.
I did especially like the underwater sequence :) That did inspire me for a possible battle-scenario I could pull off with a few characters.

I did notice a lack of words, a typo or a double-written sequence here and there (like : "he him in the head with a staff" where it should obviously say "he HIT him" and stuff like that.) It isn't really a big issue and doesn't really discredit the work, though I feel that perhaps you could've seen those little mistakes when revising your text. Of course, I know that I might have rushed you on that part a bit, so I'm sorry if that's the case ^^.

If I manage to get a little more time (It's 2 AM when I'm writing this...) I'll give your work a more thorough look and CnC it properly if you want me to (I'm not the best CnC'er out there, but I try ;( )

Urako
07-02-2015, 08:38 PM
It was very good. I am impressed and you really did your homework on him. But there are just a few things you got wrong.


He blindly trusted Gamma when he claimed he was testing him and offered to shake his hand. The guy isn't stupid enough to just believe anything a guy that just attacked him says.

When he knocked him through the building, he claimed that he would be just as evil as Gamma if he left him there. At the time, the guy had no reason to believe Gamma was truly evil. To him, the guy is just another opponent fighting for whatever reason. He also knows that not all reasons for joining are selfish. Especially since his isn't.

He actually would have shot Gamma at the end. He wouldn't have killed him, but there are several painful alternatives. He has no qualms about severely injuring his opponents as long as it's not permanently debilitating. (Did i use that last word right?)

This wasn't in your story, but you said he hates fighting. Under his personality in his bio however, he 'enjoys a good fight amongst his friends.'

That's about it. Just basic things that only popped up once.

Not much of a CnC, but in my opinion, you didn't get much wrong.

Vern
07-03-2015, 12:45 AM
Hmm, yes, you make a point here and there. Concerning the trickery thing, I was simply assuming that Dozer, still a young guy who Isn't serious most of the times would automatically also have a naÔve touch.

Oh, and concerning this :


He actually would have shot Gamma at the end. He wouldn't have killed him, but there are several painful alternatives. He has no qualms about severely injuring his opponents as long as it's not permanently debilitating. (Did i use that last word right?)

Personally I'd have had him shoot at Gamma too, but quite frankly I felt as if I'd be deciding how your character would develop on your behalf, which is a right reserved only to you IMO. (Oh, and also the clip was empty so he couldn't have shot him anywhere anyways c:)

The other things I must've missed about your character/were just automatic assumptions of mine, my bad!

PitchEnder
07-03-2015, 07:26 AM
What the heck 1 vote?!

Vern
07-03-2015, 07:38 AM
What the heck 1 vote?!

I'm simply under the presumption that the length of our works may be daunting for our readers, though I really hate to see that already 3 days passed and only YOU voted. I know we don't have a lot of readers here in general but c'mon, are we that bad then? ;(

PitchEnder
07-03-2015, 07:42 AM
Maybe people just can't read :/

Urako
07-03-2015, 08:07 AM
I'm simply under the presumption that the length of our works may be daunting for our readers, though I really hate to see that already 3 days passed and only YOU voted. I know we don't have a lot of readers here in general but c'mon, are we that bad then? ;(

At least Pitch voted. I suppose either of you will have to tell me what you think of my story. Is it better than the last one?

Vern
07-03-2015, 08:09 AM
At least Pitch voted. I suppose either of you will have to tell me what you think of my story. Is it better than the last one?

Most definitely :D Again, if I find the time and will I'll give your story a more thorough analysis.

In the end it only bothers me that much. The most important thing is that we had our fight, and that we had fun.

Bronze
07-03-2015, 09:43 AM
Man! I like both of your pieces equally for multiple reasons!

Emotional and very tactical stuff in Vern's
The way Urako made both the characters seem really powerful and nicely showcased their abilities
The intense ending in both stories
The scenes of struggling (as the victor) in both stories...

EDIT: I've made up my mind!

I choose the story Urakos fired up. The ending would have made me sit on the end of my seat if it was a movie. (Then again, the narrator explained that it was not as dramatic as one....)

If Vern's was a movie, I would have just been feeling sorry for Dozer...

Vern
07-03-2015, 01:53 PM
Man! I like both of your pieces equally for multiple reasons!

Emotional and very tactical stuff in Vern's
The way Urako made both the characters seem really powerful and nicely showcased their abilities
The intense ending in both stories
The scenes of struggling (as the victor) in both stories...

EDIT: I've made up my mind!

I choose the story Urakos fired up. The ending would have made me sit on the end of my seat if it was a movie. (Then again, the narrator explained that it was not as dramatic as one....)

If Vern's was a movie, I would have just been feeling sorry for Dozer...

Well my stories usually tend to be a bit darker than what mostly goes around here, but if that's the feeling you got from my ending then I can't really complain, as that was intended.

Aside of that, you'd of course get a way different feeling from either endings anyways, as the essence of both characters are strong contrasts. Dozer's the "hero" kid who'se out there to rescue his sister and beat some baddies in the meanwhile, so it'd be no surprise if his story would be more along the lines of "Good guy fights (somewhat) generic bad guy and manages to win after a lot of struggling", which is simply a lighter way of storytelling (kinda like the 'superhero' movies, so you can see it's a bit more generic). The ending would be a bit like a blockbuster movie ending, something that pretty much everyone can appreciate ;)

Now, I don't mean to exclude myself from what I said above, but writing a story from Gamma's perspective is a lot different. The guy's a professional killer with barely any trace of emotion, so the story'd automatically be a lot less upbeat than it would be if you'd write it from Dozer's perspective. Now in the end Gamma still "has" to win, but there's hardly any way to apply the above on him as he just contradicts the requirements to be the "hero-like protagonist", nor is he much of an "anti-hero" as there is seemingly no remarkable memory/event/goal propelling him forward. It's thus no surprise that when he wins the outcome's gonna be a lot darker, as he's also way less hesitant to hurt his opponent. Compare it to those darker movies, it's an outcome that some can appreciate very much, but might not be appealing to everyone, unlike the BB ending.

SO IN SHORT : It's no surprise that you'd feel sorry for Dozer near the end of mine, nor is it surprising that you'd be excited about Urako's ^^. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Mine might've seemed a tad bit less exciting because I also try to make the battles themselves as realistic as possible without people acting out of character (much like Gamma did in Urako's by monologueing before killing, or Dozer did by trusting Gamma in mine).

WhiteWood
07-03-2015, 05:06 PM
I really enjoyed Vern's descriptive vocabulary, Vern really took the description in a direction that really surprised me and made me want to to continue reading because I could really picture the surroundings. My vote goes to Vern.

Bronze
07-03-2015, 07:59 PM
Well my stories usually tend to be a bit darker than what mostly goes around here, but if that's the feeling you got from my ending then I can't really complain, as that was intended.

Aside of that, you'd of course get a way different feeling from either endings anyways, as the essence of both characters are strong contrasts. Dozer's the "hero" kid who'se out there to rescue his sister and beat some baddies in the meanwhile, so it'd be no surprise if his story would be more along the lines of "Good guy fights (somewhat) generic bad guy and manages to win after a lot of struggling", which is simply a lighter way of storytelling (kinda like the 'superhero' movies, so you can see it's a bit more generic). The ending would be a bit like a blockbuster movie ending, something that pretty much everyone can appreciate ;)

Now, I don't mean to exclude myself from what I said above, but writing a story from Gamma's perspective is a lot different. The guy's a professional killer with barely any trace of emotion, so the story'd automatically be a lot less upbeat than it would be if you'd write it from Dozer's perspective. Now in the end Gamma still "has" to win, but there's hardly any way to apply the above on him as he just contradicts the requirements to be the "hero-like protagonist", nor is he much of an "anti-hero" as there is seemingly no remarkable memory/event/goal propelling him forward. It's thus no surprise that when he wins the outcome's gonna be a lot darker, as he's also way less hesitant to hurt his opponent. Compare it to those darker movies, it's an outcome that some can appreciate very much, but might not be appealing to everyone, unlike the BB ending.

SO IN SHORT : It's no surprise that you'd feel sorry for Dozer near the end of mine, nor is it surprising that you'd be excited about Urako's ^^. Whatever floats your boat I guess. Mine might've seemed a tad bit less exciting because I also try to make the battles themselves as realistic as possible without people acting out of character (much like Gamma did in Urako's by monologueing before killing, or Dozer did by trusting Gamma in mine).

And I completely respect you and your way of writing. I sure as heck would not want to face of against you or him. I guess since I'm a basic when it comes to writing styles, I don't actually pay attention to the style the author is going for. I usually just picture things I read as a TV show or an anime (honestly depends on how the characters is described). You know who I hope your wRHG face someday though? Penny Dreadful! :D
But hey, that's your business on who you fight.

Crank
07-04-2015, 07:11 AM
Just to open up, Urako, THANKS FOR THE REMINDER I'M SPENDING THE HOLIDAY SINGLE. GOD. POINT DEDUCTION!

That being said:


As long as your opening up with a date, especially a good date, it's extremely important to convey the emotions that go along with it. Thoughts run pretty high when you're with someone, distracted or not, so a lot does go into it, especially when you first start dating someone, like how this sounds. What does he like about her, why's he spending time with her? She kinda feels like a cutout without any further information. What about her does he find attractive, that it pains him that his (justified) paranoia is making him miss? For example, my recent ex has really dark brown eyes, so they pretty much look black when I look at them, but then we eventually went to a Ruby Tuesday and the light outside went like, straight into her corneas (which I'm sure was super comfortable for her) and I saw them as this amazingly stunning, bright brown that tripped me up for the rest of the day. What is it about Nicole that draws his attention? (And don't say boobies, there are kids here.)

Beyond that though, make sure that when a major event or transition takes place, you give it the proper attention.

Then, a small explosion came right next to him splintering wood everywhere.

Honestly, this sounds pretty chill, like it's just some non-issue you don't really care about. It just sounds too casual to set the stage to me, I suppose. Make sure you're using powerful words for powerful scenes.

An abrupt explosion killed his conversation like an assassin, but as it decimated the wooden structure beside him, splinters of wood flying faster than a grenade's shrapnel threatened to bring more than the death of words.

Nicole seems pretty quick to forgive though. Maybe she's a bit too okay with this so soon, but in a world where fights just kinda happen, I suppose I'll accept it.

The last thing I want to touch on is to make sure your shots have and leave an impact. At the moment the battle's blows followed more of a static line, like they all seemed so share similar levels of importance. Make sure you highlight the important ones a bit, and especially the turning points! Even when you showed the first red blast hitting Gamma most of the paragraph was dedicated to sight and how he was getting back up. How does it feel to get rammed with a rageful red blast pounding into your gut like someone's trying to storm a castle. Similarly, how does it emotionally feel that you're totally not going to die now that you've launched someone with all the force of a medieval siege weapon like he was thrown from a different medieval siege weapon

All in all though, nice battle! I really enjoyed it!

Vern, I swear I'm reading yours now, I just don't trust the autosaves/me still being signed in at the end of this with all the times I've been magically signed out and lost half of what I typed

EDIT: Damn, I'm not on the ball today! I really don't see anything I'd change in your piece Vern, aside from maybe adjusting Dozer's speaking to omit the swearing. At least in his other fights it appears to be something he doesn't do often, and when he does he avoids the more intense words. I enjoyed the characterization and shifting points of view, the fight was very well choreographed and the plot was interesting and all that jazz. Very nicely done!

And look at Bronze playing matchmaker! Nice little Bonnie and Clyde thing goin' on there!

Malacal
07-04-2015, 09:27 PM
CnC for Vern. More on Urako later.
Sin Tally: I
"He felt tired and longed for his bed, and sweet thoughts of sleep drifted through his mind. How he longed to drop in his bed and sleep comfortably again, not having to worry about those damned thugs chasing him."
Alright, you would've been better not saying "felt tired." Seriously, read it without that part. It's always better to show than to tell. Yes, you could say Susie is angry. Or you could show how Susie's brow has knitted together and her face has become red before she then quickly turned around and stomped off. If you make a donation then I'll continue the Saga of Susie (SoS).
Sin Tally: II
"but it was already too late as he felt something hard hit him right in the back before his whole body shuddered momentarily under an electric shock. He dropped on his knees, though before he even had a chance to recover he was met with a boot to the guts. He collapsed and was once again kicked, this time in his sides, and he fell over on his back."
Damn, Dozer is a dick, talk about kicking a guy while he's down.
Regardless of that, Gamma doesn't seem in much of a crisis here. He just got electrocuted, and kicked twice yet I'm not really feeling it. You could say he got electrocuted, or you could detail the shape pain in his back that made his knees buckle. And then you could describe how his muscles tensed from from the electricity while he cursed under the affliction of the pain in his chest (Have you ever been exposed to large amounts of electricity? Even in small amounts your heart will hurt like hell.)
"His hand reached for his side, though before he could even touch it he was met with a mighty blow to the side of his head."
Dizziness at least. Taking a blow to the head is pretty serious.
Sin Tally: III
"Then the man swung the gun around and offered it to Derrick.

He immediately ripped the gun from the man’s hand and pointed it at his head. This one simply stood there unflinching. His finger urged to press the trigger, to paint the walls and floor with this guy’s brain.

All he’d have to do was pull the trigger…...

But he couldn’t."
So instead he pointed it at his opponent's leg and shot him in the kneecap with all the bullets while he charged up a kinetic shot and blasted Gamma again in the chest. Gamma's out cold and Dozer takes him to Emergency Care.
This whole time we're having a genius tactician fighting a genius tactician and Dozer doesn't take advantage of a free target handing him a weapon? I find it slightly unbelievable. I also find it somewhat difficult to believe that Dozer would be so sad over following his morals. I would've much preferred a moment where Dozer is like "hey wait a minute, I have a way to maim him easy" and then Gamma reveals some other trick that allows him to win or something.

Vern
07-05-2015, 05:22 AM
Two things I'd like to point out in your CnC :

Sin II : I think you got it wrong here. It's not Gamma who is in a crisis but Dozer. The fight carries on a bit but later you'll read how he can't identify his opponent because of the dizziness, and how his body begins hurting like hell once the adrenaline starts to dissipate.

Sin III : Dozer couldn't have done jack shit even if he wanted to, the gun was empty (read later : "he had had nothing to fear anyways, after all he had loaded the gun with an empty magazine") Also I just decided to get along with it since Gamma's practically daring Dozer to kill him on the spot. A test, if you will, to see if he would do it if given the chance. It doesn't take Dozer much to figure that something's off with his opponent handing him a gun, and he's smart enough not to go for anything fancy since his staff is out of reach, his hand pinned to a wall with a knife and both of his arms as good as paralyzed in a minute.

But you make a nice point in the first one, and I suppose I could've been more precise on the pain in the second one ^^.

Chaotic Penguin
07-05-2015, 01:45 PM
You guys write so much! It took a lot of skimming afterwards to CnC.

Both stories are like an action movie set for teens. It's full of flaws and "you shoulda just" moments. Malacal touched on this for Vern, so I'm just gonna do Urako.

---------------
Dozer is quote: "promised never to cause the same suffering as people like Decks causes", and yet he whacks the man while he's down. As far as i'm concerned, he hasn't even killed anyone yet.
He also, quote: " usually not serious unless in a difficult fight". Gamma has barely grazed him, yet he doesn't let Gamma "escape". Skip the violence man, go back to your date.
<nitpicking>.

Urako
07-05-2015, 04:47 PM
You guys write so much! It took a lot of skimming afterwards to CnC.

Both stories are like an action movie set for teens. It's full of flaws and "you shoulda just" moments. Malacal touched on this for Vern, so I'm just gonna do Urako.

---------------
Dozer is quote: "promised never to cause the same suffering as people like Decks causes", and yet he whacks the man while he's down. As far as i'm concerned, he hasn't even killed anyone yet.
He also, quote: " usually not serious unless in a difficult fight". Gamma has barely grazed him, yet he doesn't let Gamma "escape". Skip the violence man, go back to your date. Or find another. Or take Nicole to the hospital. Think of taking her to the hospital?

Yeah, a lot of character personality contractions. Try thinking in your characters shoes if ya want.

If someone just attacked you, and nearly shot you, would you let him get away? Also, Nicole isn't even injured.

Malacal
07-05-2015, 10:19 PM
Two things I'd like to point out in your CnC :
Sin III : Dozer couldn't have done jack shit even if he wanted to, the gun was empty (read later : "he had had nothing to fear anyways, after all he had loaded the gun with an empty magazine") Also I just decided to get along with it since Gamma's practically daring Dozer to kill him on the spot. A test, if you will, to see if he would do it if given the chance. It doesn't take Dozer much to figure that something's off with his opponent handing him a gun, and he's smart enough not to go for anything fancy since his staff is out of reach, his hand pinned to a wall with a knife and both of his arms as good as paralyzed in a minute.

But you make a nice point in the first one, and I suppose I could've been more precise on the pain in the second one ^^.

Well, I found it unbelievable that Urako, in what he probably believed to be his last moments (not many wRHG characters don't kill) he wouldn't at least pull the trigger for it to be revealed that it had an empty clip.
Plus, pain is not something you can typically ignore when you're getting the shit kicked out of you and you get electrocuted, lmao. Once you stop moving and attacking in a fight, that's when you feel the pain. I've been in fights before, I know. Electricity typically stops movement pretty quick. But, I still feel more could have been done with it for in the moment stuff.

URGENT EDIT: Urako, I can't see your story because my browser is not supported for the website you used.

Chaotic Penguin
07-06-2015, 12:14 AM
If someone just attacked you, and nearly shot you, would you let him get away? Also, Nicole isn't even injured.

If i was goody 2 shoes I would, then be on heightened cautiousness for the rest of my life.
D: sorry I forgot. I was skimming over some other people's comments.

Urako
07-06-2015, 07:48 AM
URGENT EDIT: Urako, I can't see your story because my browser is not supported for the website you used.

I'll PM you the link. (That's about as much as i can do i think. If there is anything else, let me know.)


If i was goody 2 shoes I would, then be on heightened cautiousness for the rest of my life.
D: sorry I forgot. I was skimming over some other people's comments.

If he were a complete goody-two-shoes, he wouldn't be in wRHG because of the violence. The guy's not perfect.

Malacal
07-06-2015, 09:27 AM
No, as in the website you wrote your story in is completely inaccessible. You could convert it to google docs or put it in a spoiler on the front page. But yeah, my comp don't do icloud.

Urako
07-06-2015, 12:14 PM
No, as in the website you wrote your story in is completely inaccessible. You could convert it to google docs or put it in a spoiler on the front page. But yeah, my comp don't do icloud.

I don't think my computer can do Google Docs. The story is all too big for a spoiler. (Double the word limit.)

Vern
07-06-2015, 12:57 PM
I don't think my computer can do Google Docs. The story is all too big for a spoiler. (Double the word limit.)

I've taken care of it in your stead.

Urako's story now has a Google Docs link!

Link (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rkkwsW9NDw2jr1JC7KAPMK1tL-1vMSPogssL8E1xol8/edit?usp=sharing)


It's full of flaws and "you shoulda just" moments.

I think you might either be nitpicking or exaggerating here since I try my darnest to avoid such things.


Well, I found it unbelievable that Urako, in what he probably believed to be his last moments (not many wRHG characters don't kill) he wouldn't at least pull the trigger for it to be revealed that it had an empty clip.

To be honest with you that's what I would've done, but I didn't feel at place to make such decisions concerning his character in Urako's stead.


Plus, pain is not something you can typically ignore when you're getting the shit kicked out of you and you get electrocuted, lmao. Once you stop moving and attacking in a fight, that's when you feel the pain. I've been in fights before, I know. Electricity typically stops movement pretty quick. But, I still feel more could have been done with it for in the moment stuff.

Concerning the electricity thing, well, I have never really been exposed to such things so I don't exactly know how this translates to pain, but all I can say is that the electrical burst emitted by the staff is of a weak kind, and VERY temporary.

The pain stuff, well, Urako explained how Dozer can take quite a few hits so I'd imagine he'd bite through it on the moment itself, only to realise just how hard it is when he's no longer under the stress of combat.

I'll keep it in mind then.

So, any positive remarks then? ^^

Chaotic Penguin
07-06-2015, 03:19 PM
Yeah I pretty much was nitpicking, sorry

Don't really know what to say.

Vern
07-06-2015, 04:45 PM
Yeah I pretty much was nitpicking, sorry

Don't really know what to say.

Hey, it's no problem at all. You simply supply me with the feeling the story gives you and that in itself already tells me something ^^

And besides, there's no need to say anything more :)

Malacal
07-06-2015, 05:47 PM
So, any positive remarks then? ^^

I'm terrible at compliments... uhhhh.... hmmm.... it was good keep up the good work...? heh heh... yeah... that should please him...

Alright Urako, here we go:
Sin Tally 0:
Uh, just from looking at this, the lack of indent looks odd. I'm not deducting points for this it's just that it looks... off. Although, I suppose this hardly matters when I choose who to vote. That's why this is sin tally 0. This also could've been some conversion thing.

Sin Tally I:
"very nice"
If at all possible, avoid these words, especially in conjunction with each other. There are much better ways to say very and there are innumerable synonyms for every word in English so... get creative with vocab basically. Also, nice is so overused it's like beating a horse that has long since corpse-sploded and then been buried by the repeated kicks. It's a dead word most of the time.

Sin Tally II:
" People ducked left and right looking for cover. Though few were fortunate enough to find any. The bullets kept sailing past him so close, he felt the wind rush up against him. He heard the sound of concrete cracking to the explosions, but he kept on ahead. He had to keep going. And after what felt like an eternity, he arrived at his destination."
I had to read this twice. Why? You might ask, and that's a good question. You're starting a new paragraph and not stating who is who. Due to your previous paragraph focusing more on Gamma, I assumed it was about him. Then it made no sense so I had to reread it from Urako's perspective.

Sin Tally III:
Same section of text as Sin Tally II.
This paragraph was good about until the third sentence began. You aren't capturing the chaos enough in my opinion. After all, this is a load of bombs and bullets flying... wait... aren't agents supposed to be stealthy? I suppose it's more fun this way though... So now I'll do the Crank thing and grant you an improvement.
Dozer could hear the whizzing of bullets sailing past him mere centimeters from his head and the wind of them breeze against him. He could hear the shattering of concrete as deafening explosions fell down all around him. But despite the bombardment of sound and shock waves, Urako knew he needed press on and find shelter.
Then after this you might describe how he nearly gets injured multiple times before he then finds himself at his destination.

Sin Tally IV:
" He ran behind the building, and then he quickly checked her for injuries.
'Are you alright?'
'Yes, Iíll be fine. But what was with that?'"
Wait, when did Dozer bring the girl with him? These things must be clarified beforehand!

Sin Tally V:
"Dozer to lunge at him and hit him in the ribcage with a blue charge"
Minor thing here, your entire audience isn't going to understand the relevance of a blue charge (like yours truly) because they are too lazy to read character portraits before a battle (like yours truly...). You might at one point in the battle describe how it goes through a charge-up rainbow before blasting a red bolt at the opponent. This is just to show, yes, the blue charge is somewhat powerful.

Also yeah, Vern did this too I just didn't think to point it out at the time.

Sin Tally VI:
Clarity.
Between many typos and lack of usage of pronouns it is sometimes difficult to follow. Also, sometimes your usage of advanced verbiage is botched by a missing word or just not fitting the situation too well. I suggest you get a proofreader for this sort of thing if you can't quite get it yourself.

Indulgence Tally I:
I liked your ending.


My vote goes to Vern, sorry Urako, your clarity killed it for me. Although I am impressed by your activity and rapidly growing talent here on the forum and hope to see more of your work.

Urako
07-06-2015, 08:06 PM
Alright Urako, here we go:
Sin Tally 0:
Uh, just from looking at this, the lack of indent looks odd. I'm not deducting points for this it's just that it looks... off. Although, I suppose this hardly matters when I choose who to vote. That's why this is sin tally 0. This also could've been some conversion thing.

Sin Tally I:
"very nice"
If at all possible, avoid these words, especially in conjunction with each other. There are much better ways to say very and there are innumerable synonyms for every word in English so... get creative with vocab basically. Also, nice is so overused it's like beating a horse that has long since corpse-sploded and then been buried by the repeated kicks. It's a dead word most of the time.

Sin Tally II:
" People ducked left and right looking for cover. Though few were fortunate enough to find any. The bullets kept sailing past him so close, he felt the wind rush up against him. He heard the sound of concrete cracking to the explosions, but he kept on ahead. He had to keep going. And after what felt like an eternity, he arrived at his destination."
I had to read this twice. Why? You might ask, and that's a good question. You're starting a new paragraph and not stating who is who. Due to your previous paragraph focusing more on Gamma, I assumed it was about him. Then it made no sense so I had to reread it from Urako's perspective.

Sin Tally III:
Same section of text as Sin Tally II.
This paragraph was good about until the third sentence began. You aren't capturing the chaos enough in my opinion. After all, this is a load of bombs and bullets flying... wait... aren't agents supposed to be stealthy? I suppose it's more fun this way though... So now I'll do the Crank thing and grant you an improvement.
Dozer could hear the whizzing of bullets sailing past him mere centimeters from his head and the wind of them breeze against him. He could hear the shattering of concrete as deafening explosions fell down all around him. But despite the bombardment of sound and shock waves, Urako knew he needed press on and find shelter.
Then after this you might describe how he nearly gets injured multiple times before he then finds himself at his destination.

Sin Tally IV:
" He ran behind the building, and then he quickly checked her for injuries.
'Are you alright?'
'Yes, I’ll be fine. But what was with that?'"
Wait, when did Dozer bring the girl with him? These things must be clarified beforehand!

Sin Tally V:
"Dozer to lunge at him and hit him in the ribcage with a blue charge"
Minor thing here, your entire audience isn't going to understand the relevance of a blue charge (like yours truly) because they are too lazy to read character portraits before a battle (like yours truly...). You might at one point in the battle describe how it goes through a charge-up rainbow before blasting a red bolt at the opponent. This is just to show, yes, the blue charge is somewhat powerful.

Also yeah, Vern did this too I just didn't think to point it out at the time.

Sin Tally VI:
Clarity.
Between many typos and lack of usage of pronouns it is sometimes difficult to follow. Also, sometimes your usage of advanced verbiage is botched by a missing word or just not fitting the situation too well. I suggest you get a proofreader for this sort of thing if you can't quite get it yourself.

Indulgence Tally I:
I liked your ending.


My vote goes to Vern, sorry Urako, your clarity killed it for me. Although I am impressed by your activity and rapidly growing talent here on the forum and hope to see more of your work.

1# I don't remember doing that or see that, but i'll trust you that i did.
2-3# Good points. Just like most of the CnC from other people. I'll work on that.
4# I actually did mention that. You may have missed it because of faulty word structure.
5# I'm not exactly sure how i can pull that off. (I don't think anyone has ever been asked to do this actually.)
6# Same as 2# and 3#.

Thanks for your constructive criticism and thanks to Vern for converting the story and being such a good sport;)

Malacal
07-06-2015, 08:29 PM
"Dozer held out his staff and as he did a charge formed on the end of it, first being green before rapidly changing to blue, then purple, then red. It then made it's exodus from the staff and blah blah story details blegh blagh blugh blah."
That's one way I could think of it. Or just have little things mixed in here and there. Like, have Urako comment on how a blue charge won't cut it, or something.

Urako
07-10-2015, 08:09 PM
You know what occurred to me? The poll is closed, so Vern officially wins. Congratulations Vern!

Vern
07-11-2015, 03:59 AM
You know what occurred to me? The poll is closed, so Vern officially wins. Congratulations Vern!

Heh thanks :3

Nevertheless, it's been a good battle. You really outdid yourself here, Urako, keep up the good work ;)

Shadowolf
07-16-2015, 06:14 PM
Nice Win Vern (or should I say Gamma?). Anyhow, I was wondering if you could explain how battles work. I see two narratives here, and need a bit of clarity. Thanks.

Malacal
07-16-2015, 07:10 PM
Nice Win Vern (or should I say Gamma?). Anyhow, I was wondering if you could explain how battles work. I see two narratives here, and need a bit of clarity. Thanks.

We have stickied threads for that. (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?48729-wRHG-Battle-Guidelines)

Crank
07-16-2015, 08:13 PM
Heh, not convinced that really answers his question.

All in all, it's basically both people right a story about the characters battling. They don't have to be related in anyway, although sometimes participants will agree on certain stipulations, and that's pretty much it. Everything else it up to you. Your guy doesn't necessarily have to win, and their guy doesn't necessarily have to live. Fights can occur in the 'real world' an arena or anywhere else for whatever reason you want, although motivations should be inline with your opponent's character at least in some way.

Last little thing worth noting is battles don't have to just be the battle. A lot of people, myself included, include storyline and overreaching missions which is something I'd recommend you do as well, if only for character development.

And I think that just about sums it up. Questions like this though, you may want to take to the discussion thread (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?47295-wRHG-Discussion-amp-Help/page97) though. We're usually pretty on top of getting back to people!

Shadowolf
07-20-2015, 03:34 PM
Thanks, Crank, for the info. I just completed my first battle, so you will see my post of that as soon as my opponent finishes his POV. I'm already starting my second battle as well, but my opponent for that wanted 2 weeks, so it will be a while before that one is done (on his side. I write rather fast.)
Thinking of editing my char page, making a few points more clear.

Urako
07-20-2015, 03:43 PM
Thanks, Crank, for the info. I just completed my first battle, so you will see my post of that as soon as my opponent finishes his POV. I'm already starting my second battle as well, but my opponent for that wanted 2 weeks, so it will be a while before that one is done (on his side. I write rather fast.)
Thinking of editing my char page, making a few points more clear.

Who was it against?

Shadowolf
07-20-2015, 06:49 PM
Marcus Regulus, the Runist (By Aric Kale). My second battle is with Cruor, the Blood Virus (By MrSkully).

Vern
07-20-2015, 07:10 PM
Marcus Regulus, the Runist (By Aric Kale). My second battle is with Cruor, the Blood Virus (By MrSkully).

RHG recruiter : "Sir, the newbies are in. What do you want us to do with them..?"

RHG manager : "...."

http://i936.photobucket.com/albums/ad210/cuterman/89c.gif

Shadowolf
07-20-2015, 07:21 PM
XD yep. I figured that they were both free, and both eager to get started. So I decided to beat their asses of, as a kindly gesture of friendship and camaraderie. :mad:
Don't worry Vern...you're on my hitlist too, so don't feel left out.

Vern
07-20-2015, 07:36 PM
XD yep. I figured that they were both free, and both eager to get started. So I decided to beat their asses of, as a kindly gesture of friendship and camaraderie. :mad:
Don't worry Vern...you're on my hitlist too, so don't feel left out.

I'm on everyone's hitlist.

If you feel like getting your ass handed to you, though, I have no issue with that :3

Shadowolf
07-20-2015, 08:02 PM
Beware of the power-security inversion factor, Vern, for you may very well be on the receiving end of your own threat.
(Whahahahahahaahahaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Srry, I just can't help it sometimes...)

Aric Kale
07-24-2015, 01:27 PM
I'm on everyone's hitlist.

If you feel like getting your ass handed to you, though, I have no issue with that :3

You're not on my hitlist just yet. I'm not quite ready to write a novella for a match.

RichardLongflop
07-24-2015, 01:51 PM
I'm on everyone's hitlist.

If you feel like getting your ass handed to you, though, I have no issue with that :3

You're not on my hitlist, and I don't plan for you to be~

Vern
07-24-2015, 03:25 PM
You're not on my hitlist, and I don't plan for you to be~

Hey, why not? I would love to fight you sometime sooner or later tbf.