View Full Version : Zalgo (Veir) vs The Handyman (WafflesMgee) - Noncanon

07-03-2015, 11:58 AM
Waffles and I have talked in great detail with each other about the true strengths of our characters outside of wRHG. Essentially both Handy and Zalgo have the power to destroy entire planets. This ended in the agreement to settle it the only way it could be settled, in the wRHG Battle of Gods.

Now this here battle is Noncanon. This means that neither of our battles will be accounted for in any story line or anything that we may be working on. So don't expect to ever hear about these two knowing each other in anything else we write.

Also holy shit Handyman is like the strongest motherfucker jesus christ.
Without further ado:

Silence was the only thing one could hear on the planet. The black world that he had just created was now perfect, and the silence was what he loved most. The only thoughts he had were of his own greatness, of his own power, of his own conquering might. This planet had fallen rather easily, the primitive race here was no match for his oil; the very same oil that now covered the entire surface of the globe.

How easily living creatures were disposed of. the being mused.

How easy they are to destroy. How much they fear me when they realize that they are staring upon the face of God.

Zalgo stood upon his platform of hardened oil, puking the black substance out of his many mouths and coating himself in a thick sphere of it before pushing himself out of orbit. It was time to find a new planet to lay waste upon.


Zalgo arrived on the lush green and blue planet before him. From the few minds he had feasted on in the last few hours he had gathered that it was dubbed 'Earth'.

Well Earth, let us see what you have to offer.

Zalgo spewed a few gallons of oil out of his body and covered himself in a second layer of skin; as a secodary measure of defense.
He then reached out with his mind, searching for worthy prey to feast upon.

Zalgo suddenly recoiled as the psychic whiplash echoed across the nether. His affliction had indeed found a mind among the creatures of the planet, and one worth devouring. Zalgo targeted his affliction on the lifeform, locking onto the creature that seemed much more unique than the other mortals of Earth.

He located the thing, and set his affliction upon its mind.


The many armed beast slept soundly in its cave, readying itself for when it awoke for its next meal. His dreamless slumber was interrupted by a bright flash of light. A brilliant daze of flashing radiance. Handy roared in pain as he felt his skin burn.
He struck out against the light, trying to destroy whatever was harming him. But the light only intensified, melting the poor creature's black flesh. In a haze of rage, pain, and confusion Handy spewed arms from his body, desperate to stop the light. But it only persisted, and it burned deep into his vision as it intensified to impossible levels.


Zalgo chuckled to himself.

How arbitrary that a beast that had existed so long was afraid of something such as light. Especially living on a planet so close to a star!

Zalgo's brief glimpse into the creature's past revealed to him how ageless the being was. Of course the Oil was no doubt older, his age was impressive. Zalgo felt the beast's mind tug. It wouldn't be long now. His consciousness would fade, as would his ability to resist the Fraysan Lord. As he felt the monster's sanity slip away he prepared to move out, still in his armor of oil, but gave pause when he felt the sudden disappearance of the monster from his affliction's locator.

Where did it go? Why did it suddenly disappear? Zalgo pondered. This had never happened before, the beast should of collapsed a soulless husk of a corpse ripe for the picking.

His confusion gave way to anger. Who was this monster with the audacity to confuse him? He was a God! A divine being with the power to destroy worlds! He would find this thing and rip it apart, molecule by molecule.

After ranting to himself in his own mind, Zalgo once more began to move. He was completely unaware of the true consequences of what had just happened.


After Handy's mind snapped, he became a mindless beast. His only thought was hunger. His only drive was to devour. And whatever had brought the light was now leading him directly towards food.


Zalgo marched across the grassland in front of him as the planet's night cycle circled into effect. The glaring moon of Earth the only other witness to the beast Zalgo witnessed charging him from the nearby caves. The many limbed monster galloped like some form of broken spider-horse towards him, nothing in it suggested any form of the intelligence Zalgo had sensed before. Disgusted at the pathetic monster he spewed oil in a line in front of him, before causing it to slither forward and morph into a barricade of iron spikes. The monster continued its sprint for the god, paying no heed to the fortifactions he was making.

The arm-monster slammed into the spikes, allowing its flesh to tear and rip along the iron-hard substance. He ignored the pain, if it even bothered him. Zalgo was slightly taken aback as the monster began ripping through the oil like it was made of paper.

The amount of strength it must possess to be able to do such a thing... I may have a use for this beast's corpse yet.

The slight pause brought forth from the surprise was all Handy needed to close the distance. A massive hand shot forth, snagging at Zalgo's form. The alien opened his chest and propelled himself backwards with oil, simultaneously impaling Handy with a massive spike that Zalgo enlarged to rip the monster in half. It landed in two heaps in front of him, but the top pile just grew more arms and continued its single minded assault.

Zalgo opened his arm-mouths and began slinging oil tethers, spikes that stayed connected to his body, at the monster, impaling it with hundred of darts across its frame, including in its head. Zalgo then expanded every spike, ripping the creature's flesh asunder. The monster essentially rupture from within. The broken orb of its head immedialtely repaired itself and began growing more arms, clawing itself relentlessly towards Zalgo.


Handy blasted hands out of his back, propelling himself forward in a rush of speed. He tackled the alien before him and began slamming his fists into the unknown lifeform. Zalgo, pinned beneath Handy's onslaught, could feel his body being pulverized beneath the monster's hands. He opened his chest cavity and puked enough oil to send Handy flying through the air before crashing down upon the earth in a cloud of dust.

I don't know what you are, but you dare to lay a hand upon a divine being such as myself? I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS TO SUCH A PATHETIC MONSTER SUCH AS YOURSEL- Zalgo's sentence was interrupted by a hand ripping itself from the ground beneath him and grabbing his ankle. He was yanked through the rock and dirt like a ragdoll through some large gopher hole before he was pulled up, looking directly into the gaze of the handbeast. A pink arm emerged from the monster's mouth, trying to latch itself onto Zalgo's neck. Zalgo grabbed the pink tongue and yanked with all of his strength, ripping the tentacle-like appendage from the creature's mouth. He then launched several spikes into Handy's 'eyes', piercing his head.

Handy roared and slammed Zalgo onto the ground before tossing him skywards. He grabbed the spikes impaled in his eyes and tore them from his body. He looked towards Zalgo, who just landed nearly thirty feet away.

Zalgo stood once more, feeling oil dribble out of his mouth.

What are you...? he wondered.

As he felt fear for the first time in centuries, the beast before him reabsorbed most of its arms, taking the stance of some kind of ape. It raised its mighty fists into the air before slamming them back down upon the earth. Zalgo felt a minor quake from the action and stood his ground. The monster raised one foot off the ground, before burying it underneath the dirt. It then repeated the motion with the second foot. Finally the beast's head tore apart, revealing a writhing mass of yellow teeth-like fingers that squirmed and clicked inside of the tentacular mass that used to be the monster's dome. A massive siren blared from the center of the monster's head, the sound of universes tearing themselves apart. He knew even if he emerged victorious from this, that he would never get that sound out of his head. He would never enjoy silence again. As arms began sprouting out of the earth around him, arms as big as trees, surrounding him in a forest of the creature's own nightmares, he allowed his armor to drop. Zalgo ignored the coiling fog coming from the dark emptyness of the beast's skull and opened every mouth on his body, allowing the Oil to take full control. From underneath his feet he could feel the squirming of worms, or fingers, whichever it was. One second there was fingers everywhere around Zalgo, the next there was oil. Gallons of the dark substance flowed from Zalgo's body, drenching the earth around the alien.

Two forces clashed. Arms and oil ripping through each other like two armies of soldiers wielding chainsaws. Bits of flesh from the arms and fingers scattered the battlefield as oil consistantly ripped through every molecule of the arm beast's forest. The oil weaved itself into the very fibers of Handy's flesh before ripping itself outwards, tearing the monster apart by its very molecules. The bits of flesh left over squirmed for a moment before staying still and dissolving. However, a speck of the darkness that had made up the inside of the monster's head remained. Zalgo's lifeless stare in his engine form gazed at the speck, before approaching it slowly.

The speck suddenly ripped itself open, spewing forth a sea of arms. The arms no longer resembled black flesh, instead becoming some unknown shimmering substance. It no longer looked even vaguely lifelike, instead resembling some massive eldritch arm beast. The writhing mass of shimmering blackness was easily over twenty feet tall, and easily the most terrifying thing Zalgo had ever encountered. Even in his engine form, the Fraysan God gave pause. He could not wrap his mind around what he saw, no matter how intelligent, or how ancient Zalgo was, this was something that no creature should ever bear witness to. The arm beast was only continuing to grow, the sound of the siren drowning out all other things. Zalgo's vision was full of arms, the sky itself was nothing more than a vastly growing sea of the things. He lashed out with his oil, generating more every second, but Handy was generating more arms. Zalgo felt his oil losing the tide, he was simply overwhelmed. He was covered in arms, his large black heart being squeezed by the appendges. He could no longer move, no longer fight back, all he could do was spew oil, and it seemed no longer an effective means of combat. The beast's head come forth from the colossal mass of arms, still a writhing mass of tentacles. The pink tongue once more sliding towards Zalgo. As the beast's head drifted forward, Zalgo tried one last ditch attempt at salvation.

He began puking oil directly into the monster's head, into the dark abyss that allowed this ocean of arms to be released upon his reality. The oil flooded forward, ripping through the arms into the darkness. Handy paused, the oil flooding his dimensional portal. Zalgo continued to puke oil into the monster's mind, attempting to flood the entire dimension that this unholy abomination was from. Slowly the ocean of arms began to evaporate, until only the original beast was left holding Zalgo. The Fraysan God did not relent. He continued to puke oil and he vowed he would continue until this beast before him was obliterated.


It took an eternity, but the dimension inside of the beast finally succumbed to the oil. The portal closed upon itself, having no open host anymore. Zalgo's excess oil lost to the dimension, but the hand beast before him evaporated into the air.

Zalgo limped away from the scene of the battle, the landscape massively changed after the passage of so much time. He had stared upon the face of God, and spat in his mouth.


Note: This is using the full Handyman and Zalgo characters. Outside of wRHG they’re way more powerful, and since both characters are like that we’ve decided to drop the wRHG limits for this battle. Because of this, this does not partake in my wRHG canon thing. If you’re unsure about what this means, it means that the battle I do after this one will appear to take place at the end of the battle before this one. This battle is exempt from my wRHG storyline thing.
Thick, full forests flooded the fertile lands, set upon the many highs and lows of hills, like a green sea paused in time. Their dark undergrowths broke out to bright sunlight that danced upon the ridges and walls of the surrounding mountains, where misty air flowed through their peaks and caves, a coarse whistling in its frigid wake. It was like the intangible tendrils of some abstract god as it beheld and tasted its domain, being everywhere yet truly nowhere. One of these tendrils darted into a cave near the base of one of the tallest mountains, and licked a simple- albeit immensely powerful- being that was, in fact, tangible.

The beast sat inert within the mountain’s natural catacombs, quiet and at peace within the dark depths of the world, surrounded with rocks, decaying foliage and carcasses.

It was in a sort of meditative state, its whole body focused on the sounds of the world, its body in tune completely with the atmosphere. It heard everything through these tunnels, echoes travelling easily like blood in veins. Water trickled down from cave walls. A bird takes off from the entrance after snagging a worm, causing a few pebbles to tumble in the process. A gentle breeze sifts through the outside trees, the soothing sound as if nature itself was telling the world to hush and enjoy silence.

Its head tilted slightly, a movement so miniscule it didn’t even disturb the air around it. The white noise of the background perked up as the creature’s grin started to dance faster. Something had entered its domain, quite a distance away. It listened carefully.


An alien stood before a mighty crack in the mountain’s wall. A cave entrance. He glanced behind him and noted the massive distance between him and the smouldering crater he wondered out of. He turned his sight back forward and trudged on.


A monster not of this Earth sensed the world around it. Every living, breathing creature seemed to resonate within its mighty consciousness, a consciousness that named itself Zalgo. It travelled through the rocky cave and experienced things which it had never laid eyes on before. A bat fluttered down and squeaked, and Zalgo merely snatched it out of the air, crumpled its life away with his three-fingered, two-thumbed hand and stuffed it into his hungry maws.

But he was still hungry, and needed food.


A monster born of this Earth sensed the world around it. Every nook and cranny seemed to resonate within its meagre consciousness, a consciousness without a name. It retreated ever more within the rocky cave and huddled in a familiar spot, where it had been nesting for decades now. A rat scurried up the creature’s arm and climbed its head, and the creature cared not for the small furry thing which stood upon its scalp, for its mind was already gone.

For its body was hungry, and needed food.


Zalgo mumbled to himself in some alien dialect, a series of rumbles and croaks murmured from the long lines running over his black flesh. The pupils in his four eyes darted from area to area, studying the fauna of the cave as he travelled deeper in.

Though nothing else on this planet could understand his tongue, everything from miles around could heard his feelings in their minds, even if they couldn’t understand it. He noticed a few rats scurry away at his steps, and his resulting thoughts caused a hundred flocks of birds to rise from the trees and fly away. He felt moisture from the cave ceiling drip onto his flesh, and his reaction caused creatures to withdraw back into their homes and nests.

He found these weak, tiny things disgusting, so he decided to rid himself of them to clear up the long path ahead. With a spark of his mind, the brains thousands of woodland and caveland creatures frazzled with hallucinations and fear, killing them in minutes flat. A casual massacre.

Life forces dwindled around him. They vanished, hundreds by hundreds, until there was only one left. It was weak and frenzied, but its survival caught Zalgo’s interest. He then realised that there was something else about this life force, too.

It was hungry.


Sounds echoed down the dark tunnels, the noise hitting the yellow facial appendages of the hungry creature. Sounds of rocks tumbling, of small creatures getting crushed and eaten, and some deep, guttural groaning that came from nothing the creature had every preyed on before.

It didn’t even notice that the furry thing atop its head shivered briefly before it eventually fell off to lay on the ground, lifeless and limp.
The noises came ever closer to the creature’s position. It felt something worthy of prey was near, and so it started to sprout into life.

Its stiff joints, frozen together from time, snapped and broke, grotesque sounds being thrown from them. The smiling black orb above its shoulders started to vibrate and shake off the moss and rubble atop it. It slowly shifted into movement, its knuckles and feet breaking away from the rock that it was set into.

It was still sluggish from the hibernation, and so its movements were heavy and slow. It hadn’t used its body in a long while and felt like its movements were rusty and hindered. It almost fell over, but instinctively a fist shot out towards it. Knuckles pounded into the floor and the creature was put right back on balance.


A boom echoed down the tunnels which caught Zalgo off-guard. There was nothing alive down there, so what made the sound? He passed it off as just some rocks that fell, probably due to something that died. Wasn’t anything worth investigating, though he was headed to that area anyway.

Then another boom came. Rocks fell and rubble dislodged itself from the walls and ceilings.Drops of water landed on Zalgo’s round, black head and got into one of his eyes. He casually blinked it away and headed further. He swore that it was louder.

Another boom came. He knew that it was louder. And happened sooner after. And then another came, and another, and another. Something wild and powerful was charging down the tunnel towards him, and it wasn’t alive. Was it mechanical in nature? He braced himself and tore mouths open everywhere on his body, prepared to spew the black liquid forth for protection.

The booms died down to a stop. The last couple of them were enough to send mighty tremors through the tunnels. He had to have his feet bite down into the floor to stop them shifting with the rock, though now it was still, as dead as the thing that loomed just ahead.

Zalgo couldn’t see anything down the winding tunnel. The turns and rocks in the walls halted his vision further. He had to risk going down there to see what this powerful thing was. Of course, it wouldn’t be a match for him, but he wondered. A new world of life. What if those small creatures he encountered earlier were just insects? What if life on this planet was huge and mighty, compared to any he had encountered before? Thoughts danced in Zalgo’s head. An army of massive, powerful beasts, where one was enough to send tremors through solid stone like nothing. The intimidation that could arise from simply a few of these possible beasts at his beck and call.

He had to go see his future soldier, so he travelled down the rocky halls.
It turned out that, just beyond those view-obstructing warps and protrusions, there was a sizable cavern.

It was full of stalagmites and stalactites, though the walls were unusually smooth, as if they were eroded by water over long periods of time, or maybe eroded by something else. One of the walls was decorated with white sticks and sheets of cloth. This wasn’t like any natural thing Zalgo expected, so he checked it out.

They were skeletons, white structures of beings smaller than Zalgo. They wore artificial fabrics, the only things that stopped their bones and rotting scraps falling to the floor below. Their skulls were all damaged around what the alien could only guess to be their mouths, like something tore them apart.

His four eyes darted to the left. These carcass structures carried down until they were aged to dust. His eyes darted to the right. They carried on, each one having more form and flesh than the last. Whatever dwelled in here, it was an Apex predator. But looking at these clothed mangled bodies and bones, Zalgo could figure out that whatever primal thing did this, it had far less intelligence than the prey. Perhaps it was the prey who dominated this planet? They seemed to have enough intelligence with them to make clothes and all sorts of accessories.

Zalgo saw a rectangular device on the floor.It had a flat, glossy surface, half of it segmented into rows and columns. Technology? His enhanced mind whirred on.

The alien’s hand fondled the device. Three fingers and a thumb on either side. It was certainly not made for his hand to use. He realised that, since there are fresher bodies, and the timeline seems to go so far that bones could turn to dust, the technology down the line would be a far better example of this species’ technology. He casually dropped the phone and travelled further.

The last body at the end of the line. Its clothes were fully intact and seemed rather different to all previous ones. Zalgo fondled the thing’s coverings and found another rectangular device. This one was much flatter and larger than the previous, and its screen was a single large piece. The alien simply opened a mouth on his chest and slipped it inside for later research. He was still wary of whatever thing did this.

Fingers searched the lifeless corpse hung on the wall. The digits danced in and out of fabric pockets, up towards the head and met a device, attached to the yellow head covering of the creature. A click came from the helmet and a bright light blazed up from its front, illuminating a good portion of the cave.

Zalgo took a few steps back. A primitive method of illumination, but effective. But that thought passed as fast as the boulder that soared through the air, crushing the deceased creature’s skull before exploding into fragments.

The alien moved fast, he spun around to catch a glimpse of whatever threw the rock, but his four eyes caught nothing, nothing but darkness. Was there some sort of invisible force at hand here?

He carefully moved forwards, through the rocky pillars extending from above and below, like teeth in some ancient thing’s maw. He placed his hand on one and felt its mossy and moist surface, slick to the touch. He felt aware, desperately searching for any form of life. Lips that lined his whole body quivered and twitched, exposing teeth here and there. Trickles of oil started to ooze out from the random orifices. Alien fingers tightened around the rock. And then the rock started to move.

Zalgo felt a bit hazy, his sight blurring as if he lost all focus. When he regained his concentration, he realised that the cave had no stone pillars, no stalagmites or stalactites. Tall, black shapes rose upwards to the cave’s ceiling, and Zalgo’s eyes could do naught but follow their ascent, pupils rising to the black mass filling the ceiling’s entirety. And it saw him too.

“Yes,” said Zalgo, in his alien tongue; “You’ll do.”

Though the alien’s mind pondered how much trouble it would be to tame the beast, as he found himself launched down the tunnel he came from. And then he saw the shadow follow him.

Zalgo’s back slammed into a wall. a shower of dust and stone followed. It merely incapacitated him for a brief moment. With his four eyes, Zalgo stared down into the blackened abyss of a tunnel to see if the thing that threw him wanted to come and finish the job. He expected something massive to storm down the tunnel, and was taken slightly aback to see something that looked like himself to wander out of the darkness.

The alien was slightly confused. A tall, black humanoid creature. Though there were differences. Instead of four eyes, the creature had two, and a lively grin that sent trickles of heat down Zalgo’s spine. He hadn’t felt fear in an age.

The arms of the creature were different too. They were massive. Zalgo glanced at his own hand for a comparison. The alien had two thumbs and three fingers on his hand, yet when his eyes darted back to the beast before him, his hands were massive, the arms too. All three of them.

The alien darted out of the way before massive knuckles smashed into the wall behind him. The power behind the punch caused the tunnel to cave in. Zalgo raced away back to the cave’s entrance, a torrent of stones and rocks behind him, though they didn’t seem to stop the beast in its hunt.

Sunshine drenched Zalgo’s black, disproportionate body as his feet hit grass. He swivelled around to face the tunnel, prepared to take on the beast in this open environment. His oil is far more useful here.

A storm of dust gushed out of the cave entrance and rocks rolled down to Zalgo’s feet. When the brown smoke cleared he only saw the thing stood in the tunnel, with no way to return. It slowly reached outside, but as soon as a spot of light hit a finger it withdrew quickly and backed up until it bumped into the fresh wall of rubble behind it.

Zalgo’s whole body smiled. Lips began to part down every line of his being, teeth underneath each of them. A violent, alien laughed spewed out, trickles of black spittled out as it did.

“Light?” it mocked, language unknown, “Does it make you uncomfortable!?”

He walked up until he was a mere meter away from the beast, his footsteps lined with black oil. He could see the beast as a whole and stared him down. He learned the appearance of the beast and what little fear he felt was lost. He wondered what would happen if the beast were dragged out into the light. It had caused him plenty of trouble so far, and though he respected something that could inspire fear within himself, but then he realised something.

He poised his mind towards the beast. Nothing. It wasn’t alive. His oil cannot infect those that aren’t alive. The thing was too primal to control and not even he could infect it to be his servant.

Well, that made it useless. Time to play around.

The length of Zalgo’s arm opened up and black oil flooded out of its seams. It created jagged tentacles that floated towards the beast’s direction. The creature pawed at the floating black tendrils but only found the oil to smother over its skin, and to grip. In a quick swish, the creature was yanked out of the cave and into the light.

Zalgo expected it to writhe on the ground, to make some sort of noise as it felt pain, though all it did was petrify.

With a few spikes of oil, he jabbed at the thing’s body. It was similar to his. Perhaps there was oil on this world too, and this was the poor soul it gave power to? If this was a brother of the oil’s, he couldn’t care for it. It was too wild. It would be better to just put it out of its misery.

A well-placed slash severed the creature’s silent head off. Its body started to melt and decay into familiar black ooze, before the Earth soaked it up into nothing. He casually kicked the head aside and started to set off.

And he had only travelled a mile before night set, and the thing started to rebuild itself.


Creatures fell to death around the alien as it walked. These things were too meagre to consider being slaves. He wondered why he couldn’t find something at least half as powerful as the creature back there? He felt a pang of regret that he didn’t spend more time with the beast. Perhaps there was more to it than he knew?

He was deep in the forest where the mountain loomed over all and took up most of the horizon. He couldn’t walk through it, so he decided to walk around it. He had walked for hours until the sun decided to set.

As the last of the orange left the sky, he simply remarked the shortness of the day cycle and carried on walking, until he heard the thumps a few minutes after. He stopped. The alien attempted to seek out life once again but found nothing.

He mumbled to himself, “I thought I saw you create that third arm. You can regenerate in the darkness, can’t you?” Once again, his body smiled. A second chance. This time he won’t let himself be overpowered.

“The best way to deal with something powerful…”

Lips parted all of his body and black oil started to leak from them. His chest started to open, revealing massive teeth and a black, spasming heart inside, where oil spewed forth from every valve and artery that hung from it. His four eyes lost colour and turned as black as the ooze that fell from his every orifice.

“...is to overpower it.”

Zalgo’s body opened up whole, and oil flooded out from everywhere, vomited forth from every orifice possible on the alien’s grotesque form, and it did not just lay on the floor, the oil moved with sentience and intelligence, it raised up from the floor in tendrils and tentacles that wrapped around tree trunks and slithered beneath shrubberies. Holes started to gape into the ground where oil dug down, the craters swarmed with triangular formations, as if it the ground itself were creating mouths, and even those started to geyser oil out.

By the time the multi-armed god of fear descended down from the leaves above, Zalgo was more than ready.

Zalgo’s oil had a grip on every tree near, and in an attempt to trap the beast, he smashed two trees together into a vice grip as soon as the black beast had reached between them. It worked for a brief second, before it simply grabbed the trunks in massive hands and snapped them in half, like mighty twigs. Two tremors send fierce ripples through Zalgo’s oil as the tree tops smacked into the ground below.
Zalgo realised that maybe it had an advantage here. Time to clear it.

By now, the oil had covered the whole floor. Zalgo merely opened up massive mouths in the floor and swallowed trees whole, where the monoliths of wood and leaf sunk between black misshapen maws that disappeared after they had devoured their snacks, so that only a flat black plain was left for a good while around.

The multi-armed monster had attached itself to one of these trees and had managed to leap off before its ride was swallowed whole. Its knuckles thudded on the ground and created yet more ripples through the oil, but just as fast as the small waves went away, they came back. Oil crashed against the thing’s many arms and legs like the tide of the ocean hits a cliff, and it climbed up them. It tried to yank them away from the oil, but its arms and legs were trapped.

So, it struggled until they tore off. It laid out new arms to set a step forward, and when they too were caught, it tore them off as well. It travelled towards the center of this chaos, Zalgo, by constant self-dismemberment. But as he got closer, the oil got wilder and more virulent. It climbed up the beast’s limbs faster and faster, and soon enough the creature was mere meters away from Zalgo when it got fully coated.

Oil had covered every inch of the creature, and had even flooded the inside of its mouth, so its head was left a perfect sphere, save for the occasional ripple and tendril. Points of its body bulged out where it tried to form arms, but they weren’t able to break through the oil.

“What’s this?” Zalgo taunted, his alien dialect nearly drowned through the waves of black fluid thrust from his face, “Have I beaten you?”

Bulges started to grow from the trapped beast’s body more and more, like the oil covering it was bubbling from the inside out.

“What, can’t you escape?” He tried to laugh, but he only caused the oil to splutter out crazier than before.

But he noticed something, something beyond the sound of the liquid as it sprayed and gushed. A tone, constant and fierce, straight from the creature’s head. It was muffled, though the oil around its head started to furrow and break. Cracks started to show. Then Zalgo realised that things were trying to bust out of the oil surrounding him too. Like the Earth itself wanted to break free. And it managed to.

It first started as a few fingers that rose out from behind the trapped beast, followed by the whole hand and then the rest of the arm. It was massive, slow and powerful. And then more and more came out, too strong to be stopped by the oil.

Zalgo knew that the beast was powerful and the only way to go against it was to overpower it. He didn’t expect that the beast would overpower him back.

In an explosion of black droplets, the creature’s head was free and had burst into a multitude of yellow-spiked black tentacles that roared a powerful noise into Zalgo’s face, a tone that was like a scratch on the universe itself.

Taken aback, Zalgo started to move away from the beast, but he was stopped as his back hit a risen arm. He stared directly into where the thing’s face once was, and he felt something. This thing had been lifeless all along, unable to show up in his mental radar, but now there’s something. It’s as if the creature’s head was a gateway, and as he peeked through he sensed something…


Zalgo swiftly shut off every orifice in his body, save for his reddening eyes. He had to move. This thing cannot be contained, not in the night. He had to do something to keep this creature occupied until daybreak, though he was unable to with oil alone, he needed something. He needed light.

His mind whirred with speed as it recollected his experience since he left the crater. He had met all sorts of creatures. The flying furry thing, all sorts of tiny multi-legged things, and other tiny things that flew. He remembered seeing a small swarm of flying things like tiny floating orbs of yellow light, insects with bioluminescence. He remembered their life signatures, and he felt some at the edges of his influence. He then started to sway their minds to flock to him. All he had to do was keep the beast busy until they arrived, maybe even have it follow him to them.

He glanced back as he started to run away. The oil that covered the beast simply vaporised into the air, and the freed creature yanked its legs out from the Earth. The oil stopped it from getting out, but it didn’t stop it from going under.

The alien focused more on his path. He weaved between trees, making sure his feet didn’t get trapped from the thousands of hands and fingers that started to writhe through the dirt and spasm as they attempted to grab anything above them. They bothered him, so he merely made some stilts from the oil and ascended above the pests.

Bright lights danced ahead. They weren’t as powerful as the sun, but their luminescence was enough. By the time he reached them, he had stepped out of the forest, though it seemed to grow and grow.

As the bugs now swarmed around Zalgo, he only had to take control of them, but with care. He didn’t want to drown them. He kept the lips on his body tight and forced oil through them, as to create a gentle spray rather than a flood. It worked a charm. All the yellow lights of the air slowly turned to red, and boasted more power than before, and they danced around him in an effortless formation.

He looked on toward the beast and expected to have chased after him, but it was a good distance away. It moved slowly, each footstep slugged on with a mighty boom as they burst through the ground. Zalgo was far too impatient for that.

Instead of donning his stilts once more, Zalgo simply walked through the forest. As the red lights danced around him, the floor started to petrify with every step. Where he walked, black hands and fingers ceased to move. This was the power of light. He thought some irony to this, as he always worked for darkness, only for light to one day be his weapon.

In an aesthetic show, Zalgo thrust his arm forward and sent half of his glowing army towards the creature and had them cover its head. The tentacles ceased to spasm and froze, just like the floor did. It tried to swat them away but its senses were distorted and couldn’t do a thing against the tiny agile flies. At this point, Zalgo realised that the deafening tone of the background halted to a stop, and the inkling of a powerful being within the beast’s head halted once more. The gateway was closed, and the world around him started to settle.

Massive arm monoliths started to decay into fluid, like the creature’s body the day before. He sent the rest of his glowing force to the beast and had them swarm over the entirety of its body until it was petrified once more.

A laugh escaped Zalgo’s body, “Maybe I don’t need to wait for the day to deal with you.”

Now sure of his safety and upper hand position, Zalgo simply walked up to the beast and looked intently at its face. It still smiled regardless of its current position.

“Huh,” Zalgo remarked, “Your eyes aren’t even eyes, are they?” He didn’t expect a response and he didn’t get one.


There was a conscience behind the mindless arm monster, locked away in a pocket dimension. The thing is a hivemind of arms, hands and fingers and each one can hold a tiny bit of intelligence. Though on its Earthly form it is a mere husk and requires a human mind to have any intelligent function whatsoever, in its pocket dimension lies its true mind, ancient and knowing, where a quintillion segments of mind come together to create something…


And though it was a calm conscience, it felt deep frustration from its Earthly connection, and this sparked something it had not felt in a long time.
It felt anger.


Zalgo flicked the thing’s forehead with his middle finger.

“Maybe I could tame you, be my loyal bodyguard. I’ll just have to train you with light. Could work.”

He mulled this thought over in his head, but his thoughts came to a quick stop when he sensed something. The creature’s mind opened a little bit.

In a brief bit of shock, Zalgo stepped back.

“Do you have another trick?” he said cautiously, for nobody’s benefit other than his own. He was alert and would rather speak out loud than keep things in his head. “I’d rather you not.”

But then the gateway opened a little bit more, and then a little bit more. The tone came again, The alien’s four red eyes scurried around as he searched for any ground activity, though there was nothing. Something new was happening and he felt fear once again.

Then the creature exploded, and Zalgo could do nothing but run.

A huge wave of terror shuddered throughout every cell of Zalgo’s being, and he pelted towards the only area he could see, the mountain. He wanted to look behind him, but with every earthquake of a thud that happened, he dared not to.All he could do was run. Then, all of a sudden, an explosion happened behind him and threw him on his face.

He rolled on his back to see what was going on, though all he saw was the night sky, full of stars. Though something was off. There was something there.

When his eyes glanced at the area where the creature was, he saw two massive towers of black that stood out amongst the trees, one where the creature exploded and another mere meters away from him. His eyes followed them up until he realised the problem with the stars. They were being blotted out. And slowly, the furthest tower rose up and started to swing towards Zalgo.

He braced for a life-ending impact though his only experience was the impact of dirt and stone as the black thing passed overhead and landed far behind him. And eventually, after a minute or two, the black tower in front of him lifted up too. Whatever this massive thing was, it was walking. It cared not for Zalgo any more, and rightly so. Zalgo felt like an ant before it.

He rose from his spot and stared at the mountain, or rather, the thing in front of it. No longer obscured by the night sky, Zalgo saw the creature in its massive majesty. It was just like before, a humanoid creature with large arms, though he was unable to see its face. He could only stare in awe as the creature- no, the god- slowly wrapped itself around the mountain as it settled down into a comfortable position. Its head settled down on the mountain top where it effortlessly crashed through until it settled to a stop.

Massive boulders started to roll down the mountain and towards the alien. He attempted to slice through them with the oil but they were too large, he could only deflect their paths. When the coast was clear, he stared at the creature’s blank face, eyes pale white against the black sky, its mouth a massive grin that brimmed with a wavering sea of yellow within. And he could swear that it stared back.

“what- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!?” screamed Zalgo in his alien tongue, where his body jerked about with the effort.

The god head twitched and shifted slightly, and its mouth started to work. Its jaw did not move, but the teeth inside did, as they created a screaming cacophony of clicks and static, like the sounds of the forests around but heavily amplified. The clicks started to take form as they worked together to form various sounds, and eventually they came together to create a boom of noise that spread around for miles to hear. And it simply said:

“Y̶̕͠͠O҉͟U̸͏̢ ̡̛͢S̛͜͠͞P͝͡͝͞E҉̀A̧͘K͏̨͏̵?̶̡”

“W-what!?” Zalgo replied, language unchanged. “What did you say!?”

“I͘͝͏ ̀͠҉͢҉C̶̢̕҉A͟҉͠N̵̴N̢͢͝O̕T͘͜ ̷̀͘Ú̵͜Ń̶͘͠D̷̵̛̕É͘͢Ŗ̵̵͞S҉͞͡T͘͡͠A̢̨̨̡͘Ń̀̕͞D ̀͟͠ ̨́̀́Y̵͏Ơ̶̢̕͠Ú.̸̨͞”


“À̛͝H̵̀,҉̧̀͡ ͜͜͞D͟͢͟͝Ó̧̧͜͜ ̴̨͡Y̨͘Ò̵̀̕͟Ù͠ ͡͝Ņ̛͘Ơ̷T̢̢̢͘͢ ̸̡̛͞͞S̵̢͝P̴͜͞Ę̸̕͠Á̡҉̶́Ķ̴͘ ̸̶̨E͏͏͠N̵̷̷͢G̷͜͏L̛͘͟͝Į̶S̢̡͢H̨͘͝͠?̶̀̕ ̶̷̀I̵̵T͏̕҉ ҉Ì҉S͝͞ ̧̕̕͝T̡͜H̀͟͡E̷̸͢ ̸C̶̡O̸̕M̶͏̵M̧̛̀Ò͜Ń̶̡͡ ̛̛L̴̢̢͟Ą̧͟N̡͜͝G͘͏U̡͝͞A͏̛͢G̡҉̷É̡҉ ҉͢͝H̸̵̕Ȩ̸͢͝R̢҉̶E҉̴̛͜.͘͢͏̨͠”

Zalgo could not understand a word, and so he felt fear rack his whole body to his knees.

“Í͞͝͏̷ ̷̷̧͘F̧̀͝͞I̴̸̸̧G̡̀͘͜͞U͏̧̀͠͝R̸͢E̵̢ ̡͏̸̷N̶̴ỚŢ̨̡,͟͢͟͠ ̸̷̸̴̢T̸͜͠H̛̀͝E̕͞Ń̷̕.̵͘͘”

A thunderclap of a gust boomed from the god’s maw, an immense sigh. Zalgo was paralyzed with fear.

“YO̡͢U̷͢҉ ̸H̡A̸V̷͏̵E͢͝ ̛C̡A̸̢͘U̧҉Ş̡͝ED̸͟ ̨͘͘Ģ̴REA̵̶͞T͟ ̸H̨͟A̕R͝͏̶M̧̕ ̛̀TO̶̸̧ ͜L̵̨I҉̶F̸҉É̕͏ ҉͠À̵̵R̸O͟U̶͞͡N͏̨D͝ ͡͠H̷̨ER͡E͠.̢̛͘ ̢́̕Y̢O̴̷Ư͝ ̨AR҉̛E̛͟ ͞҉A ͠҉C͏́À̀R̨͢EL̕͞Ȩ̵͏S̢̕S̶͘ ̴͜͠A͏Ń͘̕D̡ ĆH͢A̵OT̵̛͠I̧͢͞C̛ ͏̷B̡̀̕EI͜N͜G̛.́̕ ̨̛A͟͡N ̢͟AP҉͜EX P̨̡͝RE̵̛D̵͠A̷̛TO̶R͘ ͏̸O̡͏́ŅL̷̨̀Y͝ ͟T̴̶͠ÁK͞͠E̷̡͟S҉̷͜ W̨͠H̵̛̀A̸̷T̶ ̢́I͟T͢͡ NE͘Ę́D͏̀͜S͝͠, ̴̢I͞͠T ͜N͏E̴͝͡V̷͏͡E̛R̸ K̶͜Ì͜͝Ĺ̷L͞S͡ ͏F̨҉͏OR ͜͡S͞P͜O̷̡R̢T҉̕.̶ ̶I͡ ̕C͟͝AN̨҉̵N͟͟Ò̀T ̷̧͞A͘͠L̴͝҉L̡̛O̵W YO͠U̢ ̴̸̡T̴O ͠͠S̴̵T̵̨́A͡Y ͠H͝E̛̕R͞E̵.͜͞”

Slowly, an arm started to reach towards Zalgo. He fought the fear and tried to run, but he could do nothing.

“Y͘͟Ó̵͝U̢ ̀A̕͠R̴҉Ę̸ ̴IM͟PO͜S҉S̷I̸͟B́͟Ļ͞E ̨TO̡͞ ̴̢R̨E̢̛͢Á͏S͞ON̷ ̀W̨͜I͢͡TH̸̸,͡ ́͞À̷͟N̸̵͜D͢ ̢͟S̷̶ÈE͡͡I͘͠NG̶̶͠ ̶YO̧҉U̢̕R̢͡ ̴N̡̕A͡T҉U̷͘R͠E̢͡, ̵̴̨A̧N̛D ̨I͝ ̴̧̕D҉̶Í̀S̴L̛͝I̴͝K̴͜É ҉̕K̵I̶LL̛͟͟IN͏G͡.҉̡ ̛͞S̨͝Ơ ̸͠I ҉M͢͞US͘T͞ ͜C̡͢Ơ̴NT̨͜͢AI̢̡N͟ ̸̀Y̷͡O͟U.̶͏”

The world around Zalgo became black as the god’s grip closed around him. He expected to be crushed like a bug in its grip, but it took care not to harm him. Then he felt the force of gravity as it pulled on him. He was being moved, and very fast. The force began to grow and grow until he was almost flattened against a wall of leathery black. And then he was free of the grasp, but flung to the heavens above and beyond.

“T͝҉̷Ò͏ TH̴E̛͞ M̢͢ÒON ͢W̛͜IT̷̀H̡́ ̴͜YO͜U̵͢.͜͞”


A young boy ran inside to his parents with a smile that brimmed with glee and joy.

“Dad! Dad!” he repeated as he tugged on his father’s shirt.

“Heh, what is it Timmy?” said the father, settling down to a nice cup of hot chocolate before he went to bed. “You know you have to go to bed soon.”

“Dad! I was out with Mr. Smiles-”

“Mr. Smiles, eh?” he chuckled to himself. Timmy and his imaginary friends.

“Dad don’t interrupt! I was out with Mr. Smiles and we were looking through your telescope and I saw the man on the moon!”

“The man on the moon?” the dad chuckled again,”did he look happy?”

“Not at all.” Timmy gave a little frown. ”He looked very bored.”

“I’m not surprised! There’s nothing to do up there. Anyway, off to bed. I’ll be going to sleep soon myself.”

“Alright dad! Good night!”

“Good night, Timmy.”

The father downed his last sip of hot chocolate and went to rinse the mug out in the sink. He looked up and out of the kitchen window to see his telescope in the back garden, open to the night air.

“How many times have I told you, Timmy…” Dad said to himself in a little sigh of frustration.

Though by the time he had stepped foot outside, he had noticed that the telescope had tarp draped over it, rather messily too.

“Huh,” said Dad, “Must be seeing things.”

And then he went inside, turned the lights off and went up to bed to enjoy a good night’s sleep.
(I didn't include the little note thingy in the word count.)

Vote now nerds.

Also c&c and stuff and all that good shit.

07-03-2015, 06:30 PM
Here's my vote:

Waffle's story felt like I was reading in slow motion, if you catch what I mean. There was a little bit too much stuff that didn't add anything to the story and didn't need to be there. There was a lot of space used to describe the personality and essence of Zalgo, but not much actually got shown. Handyman didn't seem to get much attention at all, up until the end, but even then it wasn't a lot. There was a lot of effort in describing the scenery, but hardly any details went into the look and power that Zalgo and Handyman both posessed, even though this story was supposed to demonstrate their true potential. The action was pretty cool to imagine, but there wasn't a lot of it. Most of the story was thoughtful and full of literary tricks, and those are lovely. But there was too much focus in that area and not enough in the actual fight between two gods.

Veir's story follows the most important rule to me when it comes to writing: Don't write anything that the reader could skip over and not lose anything for doing so. Every sentence should further the story or add to its entertainment. His entry demonstrated both Zalgo and Handyman's power well, and it gave both characters a fair fight. I loved the method that Zalgo used to defeat Handy--it felt eerie and demonstrated Zalgo's immortality with how he spent eons, trapped, filling up an entire dimension with oil to survive his enemy. It was also more to the point, but still long enough to feel satisfying. For this one, I say Veir wrote the better story.

07-03-2015, 11:41 PM
I'm thoroughly happy that we seem to be at a tie so far. My previous (and first) battle I ended up at a 9:0 score and there was practically no CC on me, and I'm a beginner! I need that stuff to thrive. Though I can make words dance somewhat well I still need to learn how to organise them into stories with substance.

Massive thanks, Devour. I'll take all that stuff to heart.

Chaotic Penguin
07-04-2015, 01:09 AM
Woah. Those were some good reads. I, personally, am a fan of description, suspense, perspective. That would mean Waffles would have gotten my vote. Would. I happen to also be a fan of listing wards and explaining as much as possible in as little words as possible. Maybe it seems contradictory. It kind of is. So Veir won my vote.

I'm not that great of a writer, but I'll try my best to CnC.

Veir, that was good. It was descriptive, and you clearly showed the struggle of staying sane for Zaglo. His last ditch attempts, his understanding of temporary truama, his... Turtling. That being said, caps lock I generally avoid using. By utilizing strong descriptive words, there's really no need. I spotted a few spelling mistakes, but that's fine.

Waffles, as Devour said, it was too slow. It was great seeing the setting, the fear, the characters, but there was no sense of awesome (couldn't find a better word). You got the suspense, you got the whole thing started (albeit, slowly), but it ended so fast. It's as if the floating city worked in BL2. You'd be like, that's it?

I'm not to good at this, you know, CnCing, writing, etc., but good job anyways.

07-04-2015, 01:17 AM
I guess it became longer than it needed to be because I focus on atmosphere and scenery too much. I didn't want to make it go much longer so I ended it rather swiftly. I coulda focused more on the colossal but I guess I messed up!

Me and Veir are gonna rematch in future though. Sequel to this or somethin'. Hopefully by then I've improved worth a damn. Thanks for the words, you two.

07-10-2015, 01:24 PM
I win.


07-10-2015, 04:10 PM
I got rekt.