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Malacal
07-16-2015, 01:54 PM
Hello everybody! And welcome to Game Theory the wRHG. Where we take characters and have them beat each other senseless for no reason like dog fights. But it's fiction, so it's okay!
In one corner we have Deam Catena (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?94429-Catena-Goddess-of-the-Chain-Fighting-Malacal!), the Goddess of the Chains.
In the other corner, we have Omega, the Usurper King (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?88837-Omega-The-Usurper-King). He also has a horrible god complex.
Hey wait a second... it's a Battle of the Gods. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKvv2Mr2IiQ)

And since we're doing hyperlinks galore, I should probably link you to what you came here for.

Chaotic Penguins's Story (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1fghXVmev72gJnfGPFDOslIVJC90ndC3yydmNSZL0G20/edit)

'So. You are Catena, the Goddess of the chain?’ A voice thundered.
“Who’s there?” Catena scowled, annoyed by the intrusion of her peace.
‘Just another god in this realm.’ The voice replied. ‘I am Omega, the Usurper King. Enslaver of worlds, master of the magics. I am here, to stake my claim: Earth. I will eliminate any god, or goddess, that stands in my way.’
“Show yourself.”

Chains whipped through the air and snapped together, creating sparks. Several nearby torches were lit. The once pitch black room was instantly illuminated, revealing several small fountains filled with a clear, white liquid. In one corner stood the self proclaimed god. A beastly figure, with 8 metallic tentacles holding its torso in the air. ‘Impressive. And I thought you were just some dominatrix. Seems like you have a few tric-’ Omega was cut short as several sharp-edged chains snapped at him, creating an earsplitting crack as Omega was flung towards the other end of the room. On the floor lay the remains of shattered chains. “I see your armor is not so weak.” Catena remarked. Her chainmail armor began to thicken, expecting a barrage of elemental missiles from Omega. However, the god darted to the side, and threw a glowing halo at her. “Aaaaargh!” The halo melted through the still-shifting armor and burnt Catena’s flesh. Omega extended one of his tentacles, and the halo shot back into his hand. ‘This halo will slice through you, and end you.’ Once again Omega hurled the halo, but this time Catena was prepared. Her right hand was covered with thick chainmail, and she grabbed the disc out of the air. The gauntlet heated up.
“Take this.”
With a mighty thrust Catena willed the molten gauntlet and the halo out of her hand, and into Omega’s face. ‘Hnggggg!’ Omega wailed.

The molten steel had melted through his hide, and blinded his right eye. Good, I’ll attack on his blind side. Catena thought. Out of the floor, 3 chains shot out and attacked Omega from the right. Omega parried the attack with his tentacles, but then a salvo of chains slapped him in the face. ‘You think you can take advantage of my blinded eye? I’ll take advantage of your arrogance. How do you hit what you cannot see?’ Omega murmured. He drenched the torches with the liquid in the fountains.

“You fell for it.”

The flames only grew brighter, and by the time Omega realized his mistake, it was too late. His tentacles had already started moving, and there was no stopping his momentum. He flew into the scorching flames, and screamed in a completely different dialect. “What are you? Martian Manhunter? Ha. And I thought you were some kind of god.” Catena scoffed.

‘Some kind of god? I am the only God!’ Omega roared, and the ceiling came crashing down. Catena raised her arms to protect herself, as well as summoning chains to create a sudo-shield. Omega on the other hand, simply flicked his tentacles, and batted the rocks away. Fear me, mortal. You shall see no mercy. Using this time, Omega quickly scanned his surroundings. He hadn’t payed much attention when he sought out Catena.
A mistake on my part. No matter.
The building was in ruins, but other than that the surroundings were fairly pleasant. Isolated in an evergreen forest, the entire hideout was easily an acre large, with multiple visible exits. Omega quickly plotted possible escape paths, before setting his eyes on the cocoon that Catena sat in. Come out and face me. Let’s end this. By this time his right eye had partially healed, and he could see better now. “Over here, squid-man.” Omega spun with two of his tentacles and used the rest to attempt to block off any attacks. Only when he turned, he was confronted not with a human, but with a walkie-talkie.
“Gotcha.”
Catena raised a massive, chain claymore and slashed towards Omega, cleanly severing two of his tentacles. Omega responded only by jumping backwards, into a thicket of trees.

I need time. I’m injured too heavily to fight now.
“The halo hurt me bad, I’ll take this time to bandage up.”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just a few minutes later, Catena floated into the air, and scanned the area for Omega.
He can’t be gone far, I wounded him bad.
As if to answer her, an area in the forest suddenly lit on fire.
You better be ready, Omega, cause I’m gonna give you hell.
Without as much as a second thought, Catena sped towards the area, a lance held in her hands. She was met only with a pit full of quicksand. ‘Who’s the imbecile falling into traps now?’ Omega taunted, as he readied his tentacles to strike. With one quick flick of the wrist, Omega was caught in a giant chain hand. Catena’s nostrils flared, and she clenched her fist. The hand followed suit and the forest fell silent, save for the muffled screams of an alien held captive. Catena pulled herself out with the help of some chains, and then brushed herself off.

‘Ugh. This woman is starting to get on my nerves. To disrespect a god, by thinking that she could entrap me with only a large hand. I’ll show you. I’ll show them all.’

The earth shuddered uncontrollably as Omega willed the entire forest to burn. It wasn’t immediate, just a few sparks here and there. Then again, a single cigarette could start a forest fire…
Catena scrambled to find water, completely forgetting about Omega. Wrapped in chainmail, she felt beads of sweat roll down her back. Then, out of the blue, a tentacle was protruding out of her stomach. “Tsk… ngh… that was low…. even… for you.” Catena grumbled, clouded with pain. The tentacle retracted, painted red with blood. Catena fell to the floor, tears forming in her eyes. ‘Weak. Weak. Weak. Humans, always believing they are capable of everything. They have no vision. No goal. All they do is eat, sleep, reproduce, then die a horrible death. The race’s smarter ones understand this, yet they do nothing to change this. Why? Because humans are incapable of evolving. I could leave you alone, and by the time I return to this god-forsaken planet it will be in ruins. But no. I am a merciful god, I will rule and find peace. I will end your planet’s suffering.’
It was that moment that Catena had had enough. Twenty-three sharp chains coiled around a tree behind Omega, like a serpent ready to strike.
“Die.”
The chains hissed as it flew through the air, and Omega’s mouth gaped wide as he tried to comprehend why he could see his insides, but felt no pain. He collapsed, never knowing why.

“Tsk. Kiro is not gonna like the fact that the base is destroyed.”


Malacal's Story (https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hLQOIbFSTqw9O8EMC7QhAdyZHDOVG8nGujdRo9u1CAY/edit?usp=sharing)

A girl sat in a factory, one clearly meant for construction. There were enormous tin containers full of cement and metal beams that would’ve supported a ceiling. But, this factory was peculiar in how it seemed untouched. Nothing moved, there were no people or animals, and the only lighting was what crept through the windows. What was most odd though, was the fact that this place seemed undisturbed by time also and perfectly clean.
The girl sat there in deep thought, staring intently at nothing but space. She contemplated her father’s business, her recent joining of the wRHG, and her quite sudden rise to fame despite the lack of combat activity on her end. She thought of her dreams and failures, sitting pleasantly in her own little world of thought.
Eventually, the girl’s concentration was broken as something peculiar happened, a noise. It was faint clang of metal against metal, but she had been in such utter silence and accompanied by only her thoughts for so long that she couldn’t help but jolt a little once it happened.
She looked around, but did not know where to set her gaze. Her eyes frisked around until they caught a glimpse of some strange movement. It was black and looked similarly to an oversized spider walking on the ceiling. It was revealed, though, to most definitely not be a spider, it had twelve limbs. She immediately got to her feet and more closely analyze the strange creature. “What are you?” she asked.
The thing slowly descended from it’s lofty heights. It was humanoid in shape and oddly tall despite it’s ridiculously thin frame. Along with the frame, it had an oddly disproportionate upper body with broad shoulders and eight metal tentacles on it’s back. More obviously, it had metal skin from head to toe. Though, the most alien and creepy thing was the voice that greeted her. It was hollow and deep, as if brought about by metal lungs, “Greetings… what was your name again?”
“The name is Deam Catena, asshole,” Catena spoke as she slowly gathered almost invisibly thin and small chains around her hand. She then had them inch their way towards Omega’s left hand, already preparing to ensnare the odd alien before her before a fight could break out. As she did this, she decided to detract the creature’s attention from her attack with more idle speech, “and who might you be?”
“I thought you’d never ask! I’m Omega, the god, the usurper, the conqueror, whichever title of my many you chose to refer to me as,” Omega placed his right hand over his heart, which- luckily for Catena- was not the one being captured.
“Also, Damn Katrina, your name is not important. What is however…” Omega continued his mocking as he leaned in slightly as though speaking to a child, “is your presence here. Only annoying individuals with cameras, microphones, and vans with news channel logos on them have visited recently. Yet here you are, all alone.”
Recent events that Catena had read about flooded her mind, first the factory becoming deserted, then the news crews disappearances upon investigation, and now this thing before her. There was no doubt in her mind that the alien greeting her was behind all of this, but there’s no way it could be murder, there’s no blood anywhere. This naturally led to the girl interrogating Omega, “What did you do with the others?”
Omega’s lips widened into a sadistic grin before answering, “Why, I killed them, of course.”
Catena once again found herself analysing the room, “But there’s no blood anywhere, how did you…” Lost in thought and unknowing of what to say, the girl’s voice trailed off.
After a few pauses of Catena trying to discern what the heck is going on, Omega decided to teach her something, “Recently I encountered a man who could manipulate blood. I can too, but during the fight I often found myself wondering if he could manipulate blood inside someone else. Turns out he couldn’t, but it did spark my interest and I began testing to see if I could, and this is what I learned…”
Omega’s hand reach towards Catena’s chest, his palm clearly aiming to be placed upon her heart. This time Omega reached with his left hand, and found himself on a leash of innumerable and almost invisible thread-like chains. Seeing that he was stuck, he took the most obvious route and tried to muscle through and break them. While occupied with this, the floor of the factory bent and bowed before then letting much thicker chains sprout forth. These chains grabbed and lifted the alien by his leg before then tossing him into the wall next to the entrance. He proceeded to bounce off the wall and fall face first into the floor just as quickly as he’d hit the factory barrier, leaving an octopus-shaped dent.
“Insolent child. Your attempts at attacking me are pitiful at best. If you seek to damage a god then you must be a god,” Omega spoke as he stood, clearly unfazed by his recent flight. He then held witness to his adversary’s next move. The floor once again had a hole poked through it as chains gathered together and were donned on their summoner. The end result looked much as a classic set of chain mail armor.
“Chain mail isn’t the best armor for protection against piercing, child,” Omega threw in a remark as he shot a tentacle at the girl. Moments before it hit her, the armor extended outward and caught the tentacle, enveloping it. Omega tried to retrieve his limb but found it didn’t respond to his command.
This effective, although unintentional, result led to Catena having an incredible idea. She summoned more chains from the exposed earth in front of her and then sent them out, seeking to ensnare her opponent’s limbs. Omega, instead of standing around like an idiot, jumped upwards and gripped ahold of a support beam high above. The chains gave chase as the conqueror ascended. He quickly found the end of his rope, his tentacles could only extend so far.. A mere eight meters away from Catena, he found that the chains could still easily reach and attack. They almost seemed infinite in nature. Omega was not a fan of being chained though, so he bit the bullet and ripped himself free of his limb, leaving it behind twitching and convulsing. He then pulled himself along into the distant darkness.
The girl sat there, disgusted at the unsightly thing before her. She’d seen many things before as a celebrity known for combat, but never a limb bleeding and slowly dying as if begging for liberation from agony.
Meanwhile, the alien king was skulking through the rafters. He had started making his way back towards the young girl by now, albeit slowly and carefully. The last thing he wanted was to make the noise of metal against metal and have it reverberate through the building. Doing such an action versus someone with such a powerful and versatile ability is suicide. He, after a long while of skulking, was just able to see her between the supports.
Catena, on the other hand, was making no attempt to be silent. The metal flooring around her was shredding apart as chains began pouring out of the earth. It was less an exposure and more of a takeover. As soon as the earth was revealed, chains would pour out and hide it’s existence.
All this noise greatly benefited Omega, covering the sound of his steps. He moved far more quickly. He was careless though, his opponent saw him. Unfortunately for Catena, it was already too late. Omega had jumped down and began entangling all of his opponent’s limbs. Wrapping the young girl up in his many appendages. Making sure he kept his footing, he buried two tentacles and spun them downward like screws to keep himself in place.
Catena reacted by grapple in kind, wrapping Omega up in chains. As both of them were trapped, they found themselves exceptionally happy of their defensive abilities. While the girl tried to crush the alien, she found the metal skin difficult to bend and bow. Where the conqueror attempted strangling, he met resistance as the child pushed against his limbs with her chainmail armor.
“Give in. I am immortal, you cannot win,” Omega taunted his opponent, and continued pressing harder, with no avail.
“Heh, how good is your latin? If you haven’t noticed, I am the Goddess of Chains, you’ve met your match,” Catena actually smirked a little as she in turn, gripped tighter on her opponent in this battle of wills.
“Ha! A false deity you are. I have seen other real gods that could destroy planets and I engaged in combat with them. You have merely the tip of the iceberg of true power. You don’t know my full capability!” Omega set his hand aflame, and began melting the chains that had captured his limb. Then he lunged the palm into the girl’s lower back, and began welding the armor to her skin.
“You don’t even know what real pain is,” Omega taunted Catena as she let out a blood curdling shriek. She released her adversary as she was also released. Now in a position similar to bowing down, writhing in pain, the alien king circled around in front of her. He stood over her and analyzed, “But you could be useful. Your affinity would most definitely be a tool.”
Catena began weeping as the metal and flesh became one and cooled. She then began curling into a ball, thrashing and incoherently cursing. Omega placed his foot on her head and stomped downward. Unfortunately for the girl, her tongue hit a spike created by the earlier tearing of the floor. She tried screaming, but the instant she tried she inhaled her own blood and coughed instead, the motion only cause the spike to drive itself further in. Once again, insult to injury was painfully added, “Fool. You are lucky that I am granting you this offer. Surrender now and become my servant.”
Oh hell no. Oh hell fucking no. He did not just say that.
An enormous tin container full of long-since solidified cement was suddenly wrapped up in chains and flung at Catena’s assaulter. The king turned just in time to slow it’s momentum by launching his tentacles at the container. It was obvious at this point that he had already recovered from the loss of his tentacle earlier. Then spikes formed of earth came and impaled themselves to halt the receptacle. When the cylinder finally came to a stop, he was mere inches away from being crushed to death by another canister. Any moment Omega may have thought he had to breath was erased as soon as he saw chains appear from the earthen spike try to catch him.
The king did what came naturally and jumped upward. But his opponent was one step ahead of him. He looked up to see rafters descending and the ceiling following. Instead of getting crushed to death, he created a powerful buffet of wind in front of him, pushing him back and away from the falling debris.
“I WILL DESTROY YOU,” pain turned to anger, Catena had abandoned any sense of humanity and only wished to destroy this satanic “god.” She formed a ball and chain and flung it at the distracted, vulnerable, aerial Omega. The alien was distracted by her attack, and was carried with it into a support beam. As he hit the support beam, the ball enwrapped him and the pillar. This time, Catena made sure the cage was thick enough that the alien couldn’t escape regardless of attempt. Though, she left his head exposed that way he could hear her.
Catena ascended, a trick she learned making magnetic chains. She was mere inches from the false deity’s face, “I will never be a slave, especially not of someone so low as you.”
“I’m low? You’re the one who is falling,” Omega bluffed.
“Huh?” Catena looked down in fear Omega had some other ability she was unaware of. Instead, she got blasted by a torrent of fire, the pain once again causing her to lose concentration. The chains came loose and both of the two gods fell down from their lofty heights. Omega then grappled Catena after she hit the ground. She was conscious still, but barely. Omega decided to rectify that problem. He formed a sphere of water around her head. The girl struggled but she couldn’t do much with someone so much stronger. After about a minute, Catena gave in and passed out.
“It is finished,” Omega looked down at the unconscious body. She was covered in ashen clothes, covered in blood and water, and still had a metal disk embedded in her lower spine, “That’ll be a pain to remove.”
Then Omega hoisted the girl onto his shoulder and walked out of the factory.
That’s when the king began thinking to himself, I’ve been here too long. I normally would have killed her after she refused my offer. This mortal weakness is creeping to me… I must build my ship and leave this wretched place hastily.


CnC would be heavily appreciated.

Edit: I've included the spoilered versions of the story. Due to the excessive italicizing in Chaotic Penguin's story I only italicized the thoughts so I might have missed a thing. Anywho... give us more CnC <3

Urako
07-16-2015, 01:59 PM
So, is this a spar? If not, there should be a poll.

edit: Spoke too early:p

Malacal
07-16-2015, 02:00 PM
I forgot to add the poll, granted by the time you see this then the poll will be up

Vern
07-16-2015, 02:01 PM
So, is this a spar? If not, there should be a poll.

edit: Spoke too early:p

Right as I pressed "reply with quote" your edit appeared in my chatter, when all I really wanted to say was that Mal was probably still setting up the pol ;(

Anyways, lemme get right on this, and then I'll return the favor and give ya fellas some CnC, or at least I'll try to ^^

Shadowolf
07-16-2015, 08:57 PM
Went ahead and voted, and now for some CnC.

Chaotic Penguin:
(First...choose your opponents wisely. This guy is seriously scary for a person with 1(more or less) ability.)

About the story now...
You need to build the suspense, I think. It seemed as if the actions were happening in a business account narrative, not a luscious fight sequence.
Then end, however, was graphic, though still could have used extra descriptions.

Malacal:

You had some punctuation issues (commas where semicolons were needed, etc.) and some compound-complex sentence errors, but nothing too major.

"It was revealed, though, to most definitely not be a spider, it had twelve limbs."
Correction:
"It was revealed, though, to most definitely not be a spider; (actually, a colon might even be better -- ":" ) it had twelve limbs."

All in all...Great job guys

Chaotic Penguin
07-16-2015, 09:08 PM
(First...choose your opponents wisely. This guy is seriously scary for a person with 1(more or less) ability.)
Would like you to clarify on that. For self improvement and self esteem purposes.


You need to build the suspense, I think. It seemed as if the actions were happening in a business account narrative, not a luscious fight sequence.
Then end, however, was graphic, though still could have used extra descriptions.

Gotcha. I was wondering why it felt so dull, even after the edits.


Also, this is most definitely game theory.

Aric Kale
07-17-2015, 06:56 PM
Welp, I loved both of your stories, and I also wanna see how quickly Marcus will be thrashed by the both of you. Heheheh.
No, but seriously, if either of y'all want to have a wRHG duel with me, I'm down with that.

I have little to no experience with CnC, so I'll keep it short and just give the both of you one thing to work on.

@Malacar:
Then he lunged the palm into the girl’s lower back, and began welding the armor to her skin.
Honestly, it's not a major issue once or twice, but I noticed it several times. You don't need the comma for this sentence.
An easy way to test if the comma is unnecessary is by reading the sentence without the comma and following word (since, and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet).

Then he lunged the palm into the girl's lower back. Began welding the armor to her skin. was essentially how you said your sentence was supposed to be read.
Sorry, I didn't mean to make that so long.
I still loved reading your side of the story. I think you used all of your abilities well while only showcasing the major strength: the tentacles.

@Chaotic Penguin: As you may have noticed, I tend to be a bit of a grammar freak.
So when I say I loved reading both of your stories, it really does mean a lot. I will stop reading a story if it is poorly written.

The only thing I really wanna call you out on is the way you did speech.
I appreciate that you gave a key/legend to use beforehand, but I still found it unnecessarily difficult to keep track of thoughts, speech, and who's who.
Fortunately, I was able to figure it out, but I'd suggest possibly using a different font for speech, rather than italicizing both the thoughts of everyone and the speech of one person.

I can't wait to see what the both of y'all do in the future.

Shadowolf
07-18-2015, 01:57 PM
Would like you to clarify on that. For self improvement and self esteem purposes.



Gotcha. I was wondering why it felt so dull, even after the edits.


Also, this is most definitely game theory.


Clarifying on what I said about choosing your fight: You have more or less one ability, while Omega is a steel-skinned, eight-tentacle, self-healing, trans-elementalist. You see, while I perfectly understand that you have a right (and should challenge your char) to fight anyone you choose, abilities match-ups need to be evaluated if you want a good story. In this case, for you to be able to win at all is a stretch of the imagination (to use a quote my chars from other RP's have used -- "Never fight the infinite with the finite."). Thus, even if your story had been absolutely flawless, its plot would have been lacking due to the necessary leap of logic for you to win.
When I created my char (The Shadowolf), PitchEnder bluntly comment that he should not fight me, because his char is made (largely) of metal, and my char has power over metals. Logically, if we WERE to fight, my char would simply melt all of his metal components upon first sight and end the battle in a handful of sentences. Any situation where he wins would be in defiance of the simple Ability match-up of our chars.

Does this help some? I sincerely hope I did not come off as insulting to you or your character/literary creation, but str/wkns comps need to be heavily considered for wRHG and similar RP's.

Malacal
07-18-2015, 09:59 PM
Lol wut? Shadow, that's why you get creative. Say Pitch's metal is a special alloy he can't control and boom, you have an even match.
Abilities don't matter, this isn't a power game. You don't make the brokenly OP to "win." How you win is if you make a character you're in your zone writing and you write better than the other guy. It ain't about the characters for victory, it's about the writing.

Urako
07-18-2015, 10:15 PM
Clarifying on what I said about choosing your fight: You have more or less one ability, while Omega is a steel-skinned, eight-tentacle, self-healing, trans-elementalist. You see, while I perfectly understand that you have a right (and should challenge your char) to fight anyone you choose, abilities match-ups need to be evaluated if you want a good story. In this case, for you to be able to win at all is a stretch of the imagination (to use a quote my chars from other RP's have used -- "Never fight the infinite with the finite."). Thus, even if your story had been absolutely flawless, its plot would have been lacking due to the necessary leap of logic for you to win.
When I created my char (The Shadowolf), PitchEnder bluntly comment that he should not fight me, because his char is made (largely) of metal, and my char has power over metals. Logically, if we WERE to fight, my char would simply melt all of his metal components upon first sight and end the battle in a handful of sentences. Any situation where he wins would be in defiance of the simple Ability match-up of our chars.

Does this help some? I sincerely hope I did not come off as insulting to you or your character/literary creation, but str/wkns comps need to be heavily considered for wRHG and similar RP's.

Have you seen my character? The first person he fights is an embodiment of two of his major weaknesses. You need to get creative.

Chaotic Penguin
07-18-2015, 10:34 PM
On another note, I'm getting completely rekt'd! I feel like voting for myself. Pity vote.

MrSkully
07-18-2015, 10:36 PM
Alright, i voted...

Now i'll TRY to do some CnC...

Chaotic

Well, your story was really straight forward, fight started after like five sentences, where the characters pretty much just exchanged their names and titles. In my opinion, it really lacked the descriptions of characters, environment, and fight itself... Especially on the very beginning, it felt i dunno...stiff? Over time it got slightly better but...yea... the effect was still there
Next time, you should just use more colorful words, to make reading more interesting.


Malacal.

Actually, the only issue i found, was a small amount of commas, and a small spacing between the paragraphs...i think that's it.

Malacal
07-18-2015, 10:47 PM
On another note, I'm getting completely rekt'd! I feel like voting for myself. Pity vote.
Lmao, don't. Dat's against da rules.

Aric Kale
07-18-2015, 10:56 PM
Lol wut? Shadow, that's why you get creative. Say Pitch's metal is a special alloy he can't control and boom, you have an even match.
Abilities don't matter, this isn't a power game. You don't make the brokenly OP to "win." How you win is if you make a character you're in your zone writing and you write better than the other guy. It ain't about the characters for victory, it's about the writing.

Agreed. Personally, I don't try to make strong characters. I strive to make balanced characters.

I hate Superman because his strengths and weaknesses don't match. I love Batman because he's just the opposite. He has next to no unnatural immunities, and his only strengths are smarts and gadgets. I mean, yeah, he has martial arts, but the man is no god.

AND I WOULD LIKE TO ADD that Batman, the human, can beat the godlike Superman. Via smarts.

Chaotic Penguin
07-18-2015, 11:01 PM
Last part was unnecessary but I'm totally up for batman.


Alright, i voted...

Now i'll TRY to do some CnC...

Chaotic

Well, your story was really straight forward, fight started after like five sentences, where the characters pretty much just exchanged their names and titles. In my opinion, it really lacked the descriptions of characters, environment, and fight itself... Especially on the very beginning, it felt i dunno...stiff? Over time it got slightly better but...yea... the effect was still there
Next time, you should just use more colorful words, to make reading more interesting.




Ha, I thought so too. But by the time I was finished I really only wanted to edit the logically odd parts. I would have had to rewrite the entire thing.

Malacal
07-19-2015, 12:33 AM
Alright, here's my CnC to my opponent:

Sin Tally I:
Your dialog was awful, lmao. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure all of us had a stage where in which dialog was this strange thing we thought we were good at but secretly couldn't hold a candle to the standard we should follow. Dialog isn't exactly taught in school, which I think they should encourage teaching in.
So first off, what you did with italics and all that was completely unnecessary, especially with someone like Omega having such an obvious identity in his way of speaking. It was silly really. You can usually tell who is speaking by the clues given by an author. So... yeah... don't do this again. "Everyone can talk like this," the local wizard finished.

Sin Tally II:
Again with the dialog, it deserves multiple sins. Sorry.
This time it's emphasis. You had to damn much of it. It seemed every sentence had a bolded word and it really seemed more comical and senseless than impact...ful. After awhile it's like, "he's slightly louder at this point than the others." You need to make it less frequent or not use it at all. Show emphasis in the text around it. About that...

Sin Tally III:
You did this alot better than most, this is actually an area where many fail. BUT... you still only got a D-
Okay, first you need to not place your dialog smack-dab in the middle of a paragraph. It either should come at the end or beginning or both. Also, you need to have action going on as opposed to idle banter. They aren't standing like statues saying crap like "fite me irl." "no u." "nyeh. i ain't never lost a fite in my life. u'll be srry u fcked with todd." "ur name's todd? no wonder ur so angry." Without atleast getting closer and closer to eachother's faces. You had some of this, but the dialog wasn't connected to the action via commas or anything.

I'd say more, but really you need to get better at the other stuff people are saying and this before I can really help much more.
Good luck mate.

Chaotic Penguin
07-19-2015, 01:41 AM
Heheh. Thanks man. I'll hopefully use all this CnC for our clan battle, assuming Haru doesn't kick Pitch for getting banned again.

Don't really think giving you CnC is required.

Shadowolf
07-19-2015, 04:33 PM
Just as a note to the people who seem to misunderstand me:
I am not, in any way, reducing this to a battle of OP chars like some preteen facebook roleplay. I fully understand about the writing. But still, I think sometimes it might be wise to say "no" to a challenge. Or not to make it yourself. Look at it this way (I'll use Aric's scenario): Balanced Batman beats the imbalanced Superman. Fine. That can be achieved logically. Now, let us see if, say.... MrFreeze beats Superman. The battle that would ensue (if someone actually bothered writing one for that) would NOT be logical, because no amount of ice and skating minions would do Superman much harm one way or the other.
I hope what I said makes sense. Maybe I'm too much of a rationalist for most people, but its just the way I think.

Vern
07-19-2015, 06:02 PM
Thus, even if your story had been absolutely flawless, its plot would have been lacking due to the necessary leap of logic for you to win.
When I created my char (The Shadowolf), PitchEnder bluntly comment that he should not fight me, because his char is made (largely) of metal, and my char has power over metals. Logically, if we WERE to fight, my char would simply melt all of his metal components upon first sight and end the battle in a handful of sentences.

Yes, but that's the LAME way of doing things. If you're hell bent on making realistic battles (much like I do) and the matchup seems rather one-sided, it's your job as writer to come up with a plausible yet enticing and interesting story! You need to take a closer look at your opponent's strengths, and look how they could utilize those to beat your character down, and what would be necessary to do so in order to come up with something that's more than a few lines.

If you're just looking at the easiest and swiftest way your character can vanquish his foe, then you won't be getting very far as a writer. There'd be no suspense, no interesting story, no anything.

Imagine if I'd choose the lame way for dealing with things when it comes to Gamma :


"Gamma saw his foe, X, in the distance, just as planned. As he had predicted, X was to preoccupied with whatever bothered him at the moment to notice the agent. Silently, Gamma set up his rifle, took aim and pulled the trigger.

It had been a clean headshot, a clean kill. And it had been all it had taken"

FIN

Now you can easily insert ~90% of the RHG's out there as mister/mademoiselle X. You see how easy yet lame it is? I'm not trying to bash on you, rather I'm just trying to point out that being creative is crucial when it comes to battles. If one character blatantly overpowers the other, then try to look for some way to make things interesting despite the blatantly obvious outcome! (This message easily applies to everyone)

Now, on to CnC! I owe ya both something so I'm going full out. If I bulldoze you fellas a bit, I'm sorry beforehand ^^.

Right of the bat I'm missing that proper introductory feeling. It feels a bit empty and already cuts down the opportunity to build up suspense. I feel as if I'm being thrown into the midst of a scene without any clue of who and what, and I'm sure this was intended but this doesn't feel as if its the right way to do it.

Allow me to rewrite it a bit :

It was pitch black. Nothing could be seen other than the occasional little hallucinatory flare of light, and the only thing she could feel was the cool air slowly drifting through the emptiness of the room.

Then all of the sudden she was startled by a deep hollow voice. 'So. You are Catena, the Goddess of the chains?’ It thundered

“Who’s there?” Catena scowled, annoyed by the intrusion of her peace. It was difficult to imagine what kind of inhuman being this alien voice could possibly emanate from.

‘Just another god in this realm.’ The deep hollow sounds reverberated through the dark halls. ‘I am Omega, the Usurper King. Enslaver of worlds, master of the magics. I am here, to stake my claim: Earth. I will eliminate any god, or goddess, that stands in my way.’ It stated, obviously making no attempt to hide the arrogance in his voice.

“Show yourself.” Her eyes frantically scoured the room, to make sure the otherworldly being wouldn't sneak up on her.

Creating a fitting atmosphere is essential, especially in the beginning. Without it, the story feels empty from the getgo and it becomes harder to properly imagine what you're trying to depict since it's all a bit vague.

About the subject of atmosphere etc : I found your story as a whole a bit hard to properly picture. There were some sequences that left me a bit confused as to what was happening. When things get fast paced, it's crucial to maintain clarity in your writing. Once it becomes hard to understand what exactly is going on at a given moment, then that moment is lost to the reader, and you really wanna avoid that!

Now, maintaining clarity isn't always as easy. Especially if you have lots of (similar) things going on at the same time. In order to make up for the possible confusion that comes out of rapid sequences, it's important to make sure that the rest of the story is easy to keep track of. You want your reader to know where the action-sequence happens, so you don't have things suddenly popping up.


'How do you hit what you cannot see?’ Omega murmured. He drenched the torches with the liquid in the fountains.
(On a sidenote : Omega has the ability to control fire so he could practically make the torches go out simply by.. wanting it, but that's not a major issue.)

This specific piece left me completely riddled. I have no clue where these fountains or these torches are supposed to be situated so I can't understand how he'd do that. There's no need to be hyperspecific about everything, but it's important to provide enough info.

I'll repeat what others have said before me, but there's a general lack of buildup and suspense in the story. This is simply the result of a general lack of proper atmosphere and a good depiction of the characters. I usually don't compare other people, but Mal's intro and story had me feeling a lot more for Catena (and Omega in my weird psycho way) than yours did. What I mean by this is that the characters felt a lot more fleshed out and there was certainly an eerie atmosphere about the whole thing.

A good way to get a grasp on atmosphere is to read some of other people's things and compare them to your own. What do you feel when reading the other person's story that you didn't feel reading your own?


‘Some kind of god? I am the only God!’ Omega roared, and the ceiling came crashing down.

This is the kind of sentence that requires proper buildup and suspension to become as powerful as it's supposed to be. It didn't quite feel like that, it felt more like "Catena did A, Omega got pissed and did B". If there had been a long, intensive struggle beforehand then this would've felt a lot more impactful than it did now. Omega just got torched like hell and instead of capitalizing on this mistake Catena simply stands/floats there and throws out some random insult, after which Omega seems to simply shrug of having been practically torched alive.


The flames only grew brighter, and by the time Omega realized his mistake, it was too late. His tentacles had already started moving, and there was no stopping his momentum. He flew into the scorching flames, and screamed in a completely different dialect. (What happens to him afterwards? Is he covered in flames or was he simply thrown through them? If so, is he still standing or has he collapsed under his own momentum?)

“What are you? Martian Manhunter? Ha. And I thought you were some kind of god.” Catena scoffed.
(Insert Vern)
Then slowly the creature rose again, its large metal appendages clumsily looking for ground as he began to murmur.

"Some kind of god...?

When the meaning of her insult had finally gotten through to him, the rage rekindled his power. In an instant his tentacles pinned themselves in the ground and furiously he rose up.

"I am the ONLY God!" The anger in his roar so intense, so powerful, that even the ceiling came crashing down

I hope you can feel a bit of a difference there. Don't worry, it's all trial and error, you'll get a hang of it quite soon if you just keep trying ;)

So let's go over what we're missing again shall we? Generally, there's a lack of atmosphere and clarity, which strains the buildup and suspense, generally lowering the quality of your work.

The lack of atmosphere is simply created by a lack of description. Don't be afraid to pepper your works with a little bit of detail! It's always better to be a bit overdescriptive than to be underdescriptive (though do try to be neither).

The clarity issue is mainly because the battle is a bit too static. It doesn't feel that dynamic and most of the times when one of them is doing something, the other is just doing nothing. It sort of feels like a bit of a turn-based fight ^^. An example would be this sequence :


Once again Omega hurled the halo, but this time Catena was prepared. Her right hand was covered with thick chainmail, and she grabbed the disc out of the air. The gauntlet heated up.
“Take this.”
With a mighty thrust Catena willed the molten gauntlet and the halo out of her hand, and into Omega’s face. ‘Hnggggg!’ Omega wailed.

I don't exactly know how fast this halo is supposed to fly, but I feel as if Omega just threw it and then stood there, hoping it'd oneshot Catena or something. He throws it to take a shot at her, so there's two logical things he can do afterwards : 1. Immediately move in for more attacks to capitalize on his strengths or 2. Use the halo to wear down Catena and prepare for a possible counterattack in the meantime. He did neither, he stood there, Catena threw it back, and it fucked him up. Alright, I can understand that it might've happened too fast for him to properly dodge, but he certainly would've done something once he'd see that Catena had caught the halo.

Now this is just an example. In a fight nobody stands still doing nothing unless both of them just had a run in and both need a second to breathe. Try to think what your opponent could possibly do while your gladiator is doing their attack and vise versa. An easy fix to the previous sequence would've simply been to say that Omega only realized too late what was going on, tried to dodge, but it still grazed his face.

When it comes to buildup, it's simply a matter of a correct grasp of action-reaction, knowing what your reader thinks when reading this specific paragraph and playing with that knowledge to either surprise them with an opposite or press on the suspense even more. For example, if Omega starts beating down Catena in close quarters with his tentacles/halo, we know she's going to be in trouble as she's going to struggle fighting in close quarters. So you either make Catena do some spookywooky trick that catches Omega offguard, or you make her struggle to block his attacks while he unleashes a flurry at her etc etc etc... It's hard to properly spell it out, but just remember that it usually comes naturally if you do the other things (suspense, atmosphere, dynamics) right.

Concerning suspense, it partially comes naturally if you manage to get the dynamics of the fight and the atmosphere correctly. It's important to keep your audience rooting for your fighter as well though. Fleshing out the characters is very important when it comes to building up suspense, since suspense is simply the reader fearing something for either party, or being thrilled by the lively violence going on. Both characters seem a bit too black and white to me. Omega's just the big OP arrogant/cocky alien, and all of his emotions simply express the same. Alright, this might be the case for Omega, but it doesn't feel properly executed which makes him appear a bit stiff. Same for Catena, I don't really feel for her and it feels more like I'm watching some choppy pivot animation between two peeps with cool powers.

My honesty is something you can always count on, and now is no exception. All in all, your battle feels a bit stiff and dull, but that is not at all a problem! It was in no way bad, it just lacks the proper edges of a real battle and that's what puts it beneath Mal's. So just keep things in mind, be sure to compare your work with that of those you personally look up to/think better than yourself, but anything works, honestly.

It's just important that you see what's already good, what needs to be better, and what doesn't. Learning to write is a journey everyone must make themselves. It takes trial and error, and will, but as long as you keep trying you'll get there. Don't believe me? Look at Malacal or Urako for example. They've already come a long when it comes to writing, and there's a lot more out there who have as well. So I hope that you'll keep going, that you'll find your own style and flow and that you'll always be improving ;)

So good luck, and I hope I was helpful ^^

PS :


Catena raised a massive, chain claymore

I'm not sure how that's supposed to work.. But it does, somehow XD. Is there any practical difference between chain generation/manipulation and metal generation/manipulation? Because quite honestly it doesn't really feel like there is :p

(Boy, this feedback is longer than some RHG battles...)

First of all, the title of this spoiler is just a practical joke because of the blatant amount of people that manage to misspell your name.

Now, on to CnC :

Y'know, for starters, I must say I'm very happy with your opener. You managed to set a nice atmosphere and I instantly felt a bit connected to Catena. Job well done, my man.

The first issue that comes to my mind when re-reading your work is your flow. Now what do I mean by flow? Basically, flow is making sure the pacing and structure of your sentence feel nice. It's the way I describe the sentences fitting together nicely, it makes reading easier, and keeps things clear. It's something that comes naturally as you develop your writing skills and your style, but it never hurts to sit down and re-think a sentence if it feels awkward to read ^^.


Eventually, the girl’s concentration was broken as something peculiar happened, a noise.

This sentence is solid, but personally I feel as if it could possibly be done a bit smoother, especially considering the circumstance.


Suddenly, her concentration was broken by something peculiar, something alien, a noise.

Can you feel the difference? Well it works for me. This is just an example, there's a few more out there. It's nothing major, but I'm just trying to present you with everything you can use.

I'd make a remark on your spacing, but quite honestly it's okay as it is, it just felt a bit weird. I don't know, feels as if I'd just be nitpicking then.


She then had them inch their way towards Omega’s left hand, already preparing to ensnare the odd alien before her before a fight could break out.

Let me bring up flow and it's ability to increase the overall quality of your work again. This stretches a bit beyond that, though. You used two words that are exactly the same in a rather odd but rapid succession. This breaks the pace of the story a bit and feels unpleasant to read. Synonyms are both your friend and your enemy. You can use them to create a wide spectrum of words in your story, which increases the quality if done correctly, but if you use one in the wrong place simply because you used the same word earlier, you risk ruining the pace/flow of your sentence. Sometimes it's better to replace a word of a paragraph with something that fits better yet tells the same.

In this case, it'd just be better to leave out 'before her' all together. Sometimes, less is more. I'm hoping you understand what I tried to say there because going in on that is too much work.

It's my main issue with your battle, really. It just feels as if it could've been polished, as if the whole could be smoother and nicer on the eye. When it comes down to battle-dynamics, buildup, suspense, the fleshing out of characters and etcetera, you're already well on your way, so keep it up ^^. When it comes to that I can only give you the same advice I gave to Chaotic : Read the works of others occasionally, preferably those of the ones you look up to/deem having more writing skills than yourself.

Comparing your own work with that of others can grant you lots of insights on what you're already doing right and what you're still doing wrong, and it can also provide you with insights on how to fix issues you're already aware of or on how to do certain things better.

(That is, ofcourse, if you aren't already doing this ^^).

So yeah, you're already well on your way. It's just crucial that you start polishing your stories now, but that's something you mostly gotta do by yourself ;)

PS : If you want to, you can check out my feedback for Chaotic as well and see if any of the points I made there could also possibly apply to your own work.

That's it! I hope you can be appreciative of my feedback because I've spent a couple of hours writing this! I know I'm not THE best CnC'er out there, but I owed it to ya both, so here ya go ya bastards.

Malacal
07-19-2015, 09:44 PM
Indeed. In a social medium where in which one can constantly see my name it becomes very difficult to spell it. I have pondered on long nights, thinking to myself how to rectify this problem.
Then it hit me.
It's simple, we kill the Crenk.

Chaotic Penguin
07-19-2015, 11:35 PM
Right of the bat I'm missing that proper introductory feeling. It feels a bit empty and already cuts down the opportunity to build up suspense. I feel as if I'm being thrown into the midst of a scene without any clue of who and what, and I'm sure this was intended but this doesn't feel as if its the right way to do it.

Allow me to rewrite it a bit :


Creating a fitting atmosphere is essential, especially in the beginning. Without it, the story feels empty from the getgo and it becomes harder to properly imagine what you're trying to depict since it's all a bit vague.

About the subject of atmosphere etc : I found your story as a whole a bit hard to properly picture. There were some sequences that left me a bit confused as to what was happening. When things get fast paced, it's crucial to maintain clarity in your writing. Once it becomes hard to understand what exactly is going on at a given moment, then that moment is lost to the reader, and you really wanna avoid that!

Now, maintaining clarity isn't always as easy. Especially if you have lots of (similar) things going on at the same time. In order to make up for the possible confusion that comes out of rapid sequences, it's important to make sure that the rest of the story is easy to keep track of. You want your reader to know where the action-sequence happens, so you don't have things suddenly popping up.


(On a sidenote : Omega has the ability to control fire so he could practically make the torches go out simply by.. wanting it, but that's not a major issue.)

This specific piece left me completely riddled. I have no clue where these fountains or these torches are supposed to be situated so I can't understand how he'd do that. There's no need to be hyperspecific about everything, but it's important to provide enough info.

I'll repeat what others have said before me, but there's a general lack of buildup and suspense in the story. This is simply the result of a general lack of proper atmosphere and a good depiction of the characters. I usually don't compare other people, but Mal's intro and story had me feeling a lot more for Catena (and Omega in my weird psycho way) than yours did. What I mean by this is that the characters felt a lot more fleshed out and there was certainly an eerie atmosphere about the whole thing.

A good way to get a grasp on atmosphere is to read some of other people's things and compare them to your own. What do you feel when reading the other person's story that you didn't feel reading your own?



This is the kind of sentence that requires proper buildup and suspension to become as powerful as it's supposed to be. It didn't quite feel like that, it felt more like "Catena did A, Omega got pissed and did B". If there had been a long, intensive struggle beforehand then this would've felt a lot more impactful than it did now. Omega just got torched like hell and instead of capitalizing on this mistake Catena simply stands/floats there and throws out some random insult, after which Omega seems to simply shrug of having been practically torched alive.



I hope you can feel a bit of a difference there. Don't worry, it's all trial and error, you'll get a hang of it quite soon if you just keep trying ;)

So let's go over what we're missing again shall we? Generally, there's a lack of atmosphere and clarity, which strains the buildup and suspense, generally lowering the quality of your work.

The lack of atmosphere is simply created by a lack of description. Don't be afraid to pepper your works with a little bit of detail! It's always better to be a bit overdescriptive than to be underdescriptive (though do try to be neither).

The clarity issue is mainly because the battle is a bit too static. It doesn't feel that dynamic and most of the times when one of them is doing something, the other is just doing nothing. It sort of feels like a bit of a turn-based fight ^^. An example would be this sequence :



I don't exactly know how fast this halo is supposed to fly, but I feel as if Omega just threw it and then stood there, hoping it'd oneshot Catena or something. He throws it to take a shot at her, so there's two logical things he can do afterwards : 1. Immediately move in for more attacks to capitalize on his strengths or 2. Use the halo to wear down Catena and prepare for a possible counterattack in the meantime. He did neither, he stood there, Catena threw it back, and it fucked him up. Alright, I can understand that it might've happened too fast for him to properly dodge, but he certainly would've done something once he'd see that Catena had caught the halo.

Now this is just an example. In a fight nobody stands still doing nothing unless both of them just had a run in and both need a second to breathe. Try to think what your opponent could possibly do while your gladiator is doing their attack and vise versa. An easy fix to the previous sequence would've simply been to say that Omega only realized too late what was going on, tried to dodge, but it still grazed his face.

When it comes to buildup, it's simply a matter of a correct grasp of action-reaction, knowing what your reader thinks when reading this specific paragraph and playing with that knowledge to either surprise them with an opposite or press on the suspense even more. For example, if Omega starts beating down Catena in close quarters with his tentacles/halo, we know she's going to be in trouble as she's going to struggle fighting in close quarters. So you either make Catena do some spookywooky trick that catches Omega offguard, or you make her struggle to block his attacks while he unleashes a flurry at her etc etc etc... It's hard to properly spell it out, but just remember that it usually comes naturally if you do the other things (suspense, atmosphere, dynamics) right.

Concerning suspense, it partially comes naturally if you manage to get the dynamics of the fight and the atmosphere correctly. It's important to keep your audience rooting for your fighter as well though. Fleshing out the characters is very important when it comes to building up suspense, since suspense is simply the reader fearing something for either party, or being thrilled by the lively violence going on. Both characters seem a bit too black and white to me. Omega's just the big OP arrogant/cocky alien, and all of his emotions simply express the same. Alright, this might be the case for Omega, but it doesn't feel properly executed which makes him appear a bit stiff. Same for Catena, I don't really feel for her and it feels more like I'm watching some choppy pivot animation between two peeps with cool powers.



I'm not sure how that's supposed to work.. But it does, somehow XD. Is there any practical difference between chain generation/manipulation and metal generation/manipulation? Because quite honestly it doesn't really feel like there is :p

(Boy, this feedback is longer than some RHG battles...)
.

Only reason the feedback is longer is because I'm not that good :/

Thanks for the CnC, it's much appreciated. Metal manipulation is different, as far as I can tell. A chain claymore doesn't have the slicing capabilities of a metal one. I couldn't find an image of one, so I may as well practice my writing right here.

The claymore is nearly solid, except for the occasional hole here and there. It barely reflects light, as it has no large flat surface. The handle is made of large chains, linked together. The bottom pulls the others downwards. On closer inspection, you can see the individual links of chain, vibrating with tension. The outer edges of the blade is covered in sharpened chains, providing a pseudo-edge. The tip is not sharpened, and is instead rounded with the main holding chain, pulling the others taut. If this chain is broken, the entire blade will fall apart.

Malacal
07-19-2015, 11:51 PM
Chaotic, at one point I was worse than you. Listen to the people helping you and apply it to future products and trust me, you'll become able to best me no problem.