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Shadowolf
07-25-2015, 12:28 PM
Hello all, and welcome this new wRHG battle!
On one side you have the battle by The Shadowolf: The Wolf and The Runist (https://docs.zoho.com/writer/published.do?rid=h4i5y7532c771b0a24f89973a94f7928f c711)!
(Side Note: I have had security issues with my doc server, so if there is an issue with the link, please notify me.)

And on this side, the fight of the amazing Runist, Marcus Regulus: The Wolf and The Runist (https://docs.google.com/document/d/14qpjmQMYsxCxOk6ZJgbKG6su-ZI9E7I7Ewz3NI4WTSE/edit?usp=sharing&pli=1)!

Please enjoy their combat.
If you happen to be unfamiliar with these Rock Hard Gladiators, then here are their personal profiles:

Marcus The Runist (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?95917-Marcus-the-Runist)

The Shadowolf (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?95694-The-Shadowolf-(aka-Shado-or-Maxar))

Shadowolf
07-25-2015, 12:31 PM
Congrats to my opponent on a good fight. I will let the horde of hecklers do all the CnC that they want, but there is one issue that I feel that I am best qualified to discuss: my char.

In short, it seems that The Shadowolf was generally underpowered in your story. Essentially, you fought Maxar, the Celt with the cool weps, not The Shadowolf, warrior changed and empowered by the Reaver.

You make only 8 or 9 references to his quasi-Lycan AND dark metalist abilities COMBINED. What’s more, these are cursory at best have little if any impact on your story.

Additionally, your characterization of Shado was in opposition to his profile on many points. I will give a quick run down here:



First, you say that he sensed that his opponent was strong, and have him comment on it. Yet you later have him belittling Marcus as a one-armed weakling unworthy of Shado’s abilities. Did his sense of strength just up and leave him?

Second, you have them fighting for an hour, yet his profile specifically states that he will do whatever possible to get out of a primarily close-range comflict as soon as he is able.

Third, the only skills you have him use are 1) coating a single arm (though you later do hint at full armor) in steel, 2) a vague reference to steel columns coming from the ground, and 3) a thin metal wall. You make no use of the techniques I specifically list as his favorites (besides columns), nor of the overall creativity I credit to him.

Fourth (though this is slightly out of order), Shado does NOT have the “earth sense” that you attribute to him. He has no need of ore, since he generates it himself.

Fifth, you have him reaching for the gladius when it destroys his arm. If Shado wanted to destroy it (which is the only thing you indicate), then he would have done it from any distance he pleased, not bothering to take the time to touch it. This would have also told him that it still had active runes, even if he did plan on touching it later (to use to, presumably).

Lastly, you have him pinned against the wall, struggling with “unholy strength.” You seem to have forgotten about his terrible fangs and claws, which would have been tungsten coated and doing their best to rip out Marcus’s guts and bite off his head. Even without these, you initially say that he could probably snap Marcus in two (again, see point one), yet why can Marcus so easily overpower him in the end?



I don’t mean to seem hypercritical, but I think opponent representation is a major factor in wRHG’s, and thus worthy of the time I have given it here.

Nevertheless, I give Aric my best of wishes for this battle, D.V.

P.S. -- Aric, I want you to give me the rundown as well. Every critique makes a better writer.

Ken_Rou
07-25-2015, 01:11 PM
I'm giving this one to Shadowolf, simply because his story is a bit more fleshed out and more of the situation is explained.
Still, it kind of concerns me of how short both of these stories are. I may not be the one you wantto hear it out of, but isn't there more to be explained?
I'll make a CnC another day, right now I'll just place a vote.

Urako
07-25-2015, 03:08 PM
Okay guys. I voted for Shadowolf because it seemed more detailed and easier to follow. Anyways. I have one really major problem with each of you.

Shadowolf: You stop the story to explain things in parenthesis. You shouldn't have anything in the story that doesn't fit or can't be explained without stopping the story.

Eric Kale: Yours is a bit more serious. The perspective shifts several times without warning. I quickly forgot who's perspective I was reading from. You don't want to keep switching constantly. And if you do, you need some indicator like Vern's.

Malacal
07-25-2015, 03:37 PM
Oh my. I must say from first looks I'm already impressed. Two new guys and the stories aren't filled with spelling mistakes, bad grammar, and awful plot (from what I can tell).
I'll proceed with CnC in a bit... for now I'll read.
I have already taken back my statement about bad grammar in the first paragraph.

Sin Tally I:
"The Shadowolf prided himself on simplicity, as any true Highlander should, and was not particularly fond of automated match-ups, touchscreen displays, and secretaries surrounded by a score of computers...although the pretty brunette that had helped him select his battle did alleviate some of his irritation"
Okay, that's kinda odd, I don't know if it's something you did or your choice of document, but at the end of every line there's a line break as though the Enter button was hit. If it's your fault, stop XD. If it's the Docs fault then that's unfortunate and is going to make CnC take longer (ugh).
Now for the actual sin... this is one sentence. This is what it should look like:

The Shadowolf prided himself on simplicity, as any true Highlander should, and was not particularly fond of automated match-ups, touchscreen displays, and secretaries surrounded by a score of computers. Although, the pretty brunette that had helped him select his battle did alleviate some of his irritation.

And ta-dah! Two different sentences. Also, ellipses (...) should only be used for pauses in speech or the omission of info when quoting.

Sin Tally II:
Ow, my eyes. Your formatting isn't the same throughout, fool.
So, you didn't hit enter twice between certain paragraphs and for others you did? Keep some consistency, son.

Sin Tally III:
"'Well now, when my RHG supervisor told me you looked like a wolf, he was
meaning it literally....' It would have been nice if he had mentioned that badass spear
too.."
Heh, hahahaha, no.
I'm sorry but this feels like you writing about how awesome your character is. I don't think Marcus would've said the word 'Badass.' Use dialog that makes sense for the character to say.

Sin Tally IV:
"Shado yawned as only a canid can do"
I sincerely hope you meant canine.

Sin Tally V:
"Heat had little effect on him as long as it was for short periods of time"
Um, this was worded poorly

The heat, having barely any contact with him, didn't hurt him.

This is the best I can do, but what do I know about writing?

Sin Tally VI:
"dousing the whole area in the sodden [yes, I mean sodden, not sudden] darkness of a moonless night."
bzteghjvvvbuh. This is just, no. We're writers. If we don't know what sodden means we have google.

Sin Tally VII:
"Behaving like an utter Lothian [Lowlander: For Highlanders, this term was not necessarily one of derision, but conveyed a distinct tone of weakness and dull-mindedness with it.]."
Here's a better way to approach this.
Behaving like an utter Lothian, a weakling!
That's a way to define unusual terms. Remember, commas are your friend.

Sin Tally VIII:
New Record! This is the first time I've given someone 8 sin tallies. Don't worry though, Sin Tallies are a recent innovation of mine that I plagiarized.
"Boy, you're a tough one to kill, aren't you?" Marcus snatched up his gladius from the ground, and sprinted over to him. "Now, do you want to surrender, or do I have to kill you?" Shado smirked, "Funny, I was just going to ask you the same thing."
Each line of dialog should have it's own paragraph.

Sin Tally IX:
Shado felt the concussion of the nuclear blast as the tip of his spear detonated."
NUCLEAR? DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LIIIIIIITLE EXTREME?

Sin Tally X:
Your thing is so sinful it's X-rated now :P
"It worked, and Shado found himself -- yet again -- flying through the air. "T' 'e Deil wi' 'e an' 'e runes!" [This translates: "To the Devil with you and your runes!"] he yelled, only to be caught by another blast. "Mowe 'e, 'e unco bairn o' a bogle!" [This translates: "F--k you, you strange witch's brat!"] "
Just say Shado was incoherently cursing, or something.

I must say Shadow, I am impressed... and too lazy to do Aric's right now.


Sin Tally I:
You have frequent character interjections that sort of take away from the story. I understand that it's from Aric's perspective but... it kinda takes away from the story.
Especially the one part with The Runist being on a motorcycle (all this Maxar and Marcus stuff is confusing me, they're too similar.) That part would've sounded much better like so:

What beheld his sight was most surprising. Maxar began analyzing the scene and came to the realization that there was a man on a motorcycle driving towards; said man had only one arm.

Something like that... personally I'm not grand at improving upon work. If I want to "Revise" something I bulldoze it and lay down a new foundation. Needless to say, I will not work in construction simply placing new tile on the roof would lead to removing the second floor.

Sin Tally II:
Agh, I can't copy/paste. This will make CnC more tedious.
Okay, so at towards the end of the conversation with Paul, the dialog is just back and forth words. This just feels... awkward. If there's one thing I hate it's dialog done with only dialog. People do things while they talk usually, they aren't statues that trade words. You did well in the beginning of the conversation, but at the end it fell apart.

Sin Tally III:
You didn't allow copying and pasting on your Doc, making CnC more difficult.
(This is meant to be a joke sin, but please allow it next time.)

Sin Tally IV:
While not really important, MacGuffin's Mechanical Supply should be Italicized, not bolded. Or you could just have the name with capital letters at the beginning of each word and people would understand nonetheless.

Sin Tally V:
The accent is a bit extreme. Shadowolf is a Highland Celt and all but... this is just a little ridiculous. I could understand a few apostrophes but not "wulnae."

Sin Tally VI:
You change perspectives quite frequently, almost every paragraph it seems.I would suggest making switches in perspective only at drastic moments in combat or if you have a very slow fight going on. Also, I need you to whip me for my sin of using the word "very."

Sin Tally VII:
I know you've already gotten crap for the "and then an hour went by" stuff. In your defense you almost did it right.
Your timing of saying an hour went by is actually what killed this. If you want the eternal combat feel then you need to throw the descriptors in first. Say that every pillar that came he destroyed and the numerous protection runes served to drag the fight into a tiring eternal dance, soon to be fated to whoever makes the first mistake or collapses of exhaustion. THEN, when something different happens and there is a breathing point, comment on how the sun has moved so drastically.

While Aric had 7 sins (hue, that was unintentional) to Shado's 10, Shado's were less serious. In fact, Aric, with all the "Yes, bafahojoa'sfjic" and odd speech from character perspective, you dropped the quality of your work. For that, my vote goes to Shadowolf.

But, impressive showing from the both of you. I've never seen two new guys show up and have such quality. You both have a ways to go, but you're definitely some of the best rookies we've had yet... I wash I was this good when I started out...

Shadowolf
07-25-2015, 04:33 PM
Thanks for making that point, Urako...
Since brogue is part of Shado's character, though many readers will need it translated, I can't remove it (which, if I recall correctly, is the only thing I explained). So, since I will still keep it, where would you suggest the translation? Instead of parenthesis, I could always to footnotes at the page bottoms, or a glossary at the end, for those who wanted to use it.
Would that improve the matter?

Aric Kale
07-25-2015, 06:00 PM
I'll say right now, I think Shado has this one.
I didn't put as much time into the story as I'd have liked to, due to life getting in the way, but I'm impressed by Shado's story regardless.

To be perfectly honest, when you said you wrote 6 pages in less than a day, I couldn't expect much.

After reading your edition of the duel, I only have a few comments.

You mention once that "Marcus activated a protective rune and tossed it
into the air in above him..."
My only issue with that statement is that Runes are stationary. He would have been struck by the molten metal and then sloughed through it, protected by the Rune.
Also, it was a little bit difficult to tell at times if you thought that precharged Runes required Life Force to activate, but it's not a big deal.

I don't think Marcus was written incredibly out of character, so congratulations on that.

On your finishing move with a bed of daggers. I don't know what you're thinking of when you say daggers, but if they're even 6 inches long and piercing his legs and lower body...he's dead. Especially if he's out of LF and (likely) concussed by a sniper bullet that just knocked him out.
See, if he's been stabbed from the belly button and below, most of his important intestines are damaged beyond repair. And he may never walk again.

As for your critique towards me, I apologize. I had about 2 more pages that I wanted to write but I ran out of time for.
Yeah, there are some inconsistencies. I think my brand of logic was that Shado was fooled by his eyes. He sensed strength, but saw disabilities and it made him lose focus, since he's not used to RHG battles.

They fought close combat because Marcus wouldn't let up. The Runist knew that he needed to be on the offensive. Unfortunately, I wasn't detailed enough, so that's not entirely obvious.

The whole fight is less detailed and creative than I would've liked it to be. It's definitely not my best work, and I'm still trying to figure out how to use other player's characters.

To be perfectly honest, the whole deal with how Shado controls and summons metal is incredibly confusing to me, and I had your character sheet up the entire time.
He can control metal that he didn't generate, and he can summon metal from (alternate dimensions?) somewhere, but not from the ground? Honestly, I'm not sure what was going on.

Basically, by the end of the battle, Shado isn't exactly in his most rational mindset, so he doesn't focus enough to use his powers.
As for why he doesn't just tear Marcus in two, it's because Marcus used the power of words.

He very quickly explained that if Shado struggled and even beat him, the wolf man would forever be missing an arm. I assumed that he'd rather have an arm than a victory. Ergo, the weaker man won against the stronger man.
He ignores the cry of pain and struggles with all of his might to hold back the unholy strength of Shado’s complete arm.
“Hold still, damnit!” Regulus grits his teeth, prepared to make use of his Runed stump.
“Why should I do that? So you can make a mockery of me and leave me like you? Disgraced with one arm?”
“Oh fuck off. If you declare defeat, I’ll save your arm, but if you keep resisting, I’ll blow it clean off, and your head will follow.”
The look in his eyes was plain enough. Maxar knew there was no lie to be found, for even if he could focus well enough to kill this man, his arm would not be fixable by normal means.
I've bolded the points that should better explain what I mean.

Also, I felt like you had Marcus run out of Life Force fairly quickly, both stored and internal. Though, I suppose it's not easy to gauge.

I think for a first real fight, it went alright. I hope to improve drastically as I continue on in wRHG.

MrSkully
07-25-2015, 06:39 PM
Well, i gave my Vote to Shadowolf as well.

As Ken Rou mentioned before it was more "fleshed out", you had a richer description of what was happening, and even though Aric's story was actually easier for me to follow, it kinda lacked descriptions, what i really didn't like was this part:

"Back and forth the two opponents trade blows, their fight lasting well over an hour..."

When you read something like that, its just...i dunno, you can't really feel that they were fighting for that long. You forget about it, one sentence later...

Btw, im next on a chopping block...kinda feel like im screwed xD

Urako
07-25-2015, 09:05 PM
Btw, im next on a chopping block...kinda feel like im screwed xD

Just do your best...Or forfeit. (Which is lame unless real life demands it.)

Malacal
07-25-2015, 09:13 PM
Or don't accept the challenge in the first place, which is only slightly less weaksauce than a forfeit.

Anywho, I edited my first post here with the CnC for Shadow's work.

Shadowolf
07-26-2015, 04:37 PM
Malacal, I definately need to comment.



Okay, so first, I have been having trouble with my doc system, so those formatting errors are not my fault.

Secondly, the extra spaces were to indicate when I switched chars, instead of making everything uniform, so that my readers could easily tell when I switched. I have read plenty of books by major authors that do the same.

Also, some of my sentence structure is odd (like my use of "..." in normal writing) because I make use of "stream-of-consciousness" often. You are essentially following Shado's thoughts in third-person. (The Lighthouse being an excellent book to read as an example of this). Only when he talks to himself is it in italics, though.

Marcus could use "badass," particularly if he is only talking to himself. The spear is oversized, by mere human standards. Also, he uses "Oh fuck off" in his for Marcus, so I don't think "badass" (esp since he shows up on a motorcycle in his) is all that far off. Aric would have the final word on this, though.

I copied this from a Dictionary:
"Origin of canid -- 1885-90; < New Latin Canidae, equivalent to Can (is) a genus, including the dog and wolf ( Latin: dog) + -idae"
Canid is the scientific (and more precise) term used to refer to canines. You need to brush up on your technical lingo.

"Heat had little..." I meant this as a narrator's interjection (stolen from Sir Walter Scott's wiriting method). A simple statement about Shado, not a desciption of action, as your correction would have it.

Lothian is not exactly a weakling. It is a complex connotation that really does not have a dictionary definition, aside from a geographical reference. I will, however, be using either footnotes or perhaps a glossary format for later works.

Two lines of dialogue by the same speaker, interrupted only by a parenthetical description of action by the same character, can be in the same paragraph. Only when they extend to more than one sentence apiece, or are interrupted by dialogue or action by a different character, do they need to have separate paragraphs. Many reputable authors do this.

Nuclear....YEP. The metals for such are well within the "dense" category to which I limited his powers, and secondly, that was in his original profile, and still is today. Didn't you read about the WWII shoulder-launched micro-nukes? Only difference is that Shado can generate his own bomb shelter. We aren't talking Hiroshima here, ya know...

Again, one of the defining attributes of Shado's char is that he is a Highlander. Thus, he will often speak as such. If you say "incoherently," you are insulting the works of R.L.S. (Robert Louis Stevenson), Sir Walter Scott, and Robert Burns (the national poet of Scotland), all of which extensively used brogue (and even full on Gaelic) in many or all of their works, and THEY weren't kind enough to include translations like I did. That is a no-no, Malacal...

So, in short, I should not have made that statement about "sodden." I accept that, and will not do it again.

Otherwise, your critiques seem to be based mostly in a lack of imformation on your part, but I don't mind. I enjoy having the opportunity to pass on a few bits of information now and then.

Lastly, I cannot decide if your last statement -- that you were "impressed" -- was meant with sarcasm or not. I will take it as a legitimate complement, however.

Aric Kale
07-26-2015, 04:47 PM
*definitely, information, and compliment.

Also, I'd like to thank malacal for pointing out inconsistencies in Marcus' speech.

Sorry if I sound like an ass.

Malacal
07-26-2015, 09:11 PM
Okay, so first, I have been having trouble with my doc system, so those formatting errors are not my fault.

Secondly, the extra spaces were to indicate when I switched chars, instead of making everything uniform, so that my readers could easily tell when I switched. I have read plenty of books by major authors that do the same.

Also, some of my sentence structure is odd (like my use of "..." in normal writing) because I make use of "stream-of-consciousness" often. You are essentially following Shado's thoughts in third-person. (The Lighthouse being an excellent book to read as an example of this). Only when he talks to himself is it in italics, though.

Marcus could use "badass," particularly if he is only talking to himself. The spear is oversized, by mere human standards. Also, he uses "Oh fuck off" in his for Marcus, so I don't think "badass" (esp since he shows up on a motorcycle in his) is all that far off. Aric would have the final word on this, though.

I copied this from a Dictionary:
"Origin of canid -- 1885-90; < New Latin Canidae, equivalent to Can (is) a genus, including the dog and wolf ( Latin: dog) + -idae"
Canid is the scientific (and more precise) term used to refer to canines. You need to brush up on your technical lingo.

"Heat had little..." I meant this as a narrator's interjection (stolen from Sir Walter Scott's wiriting method). A simple statement about Shado, not a desciption of action, as your correction would have it.

Lothian is not exactly a weakling. It is a complex connotation that really does not have a dictionary definition, aside from a geographical reference. I will, however, be using either footnotes or perhaps a glossary format for later works.

Two lines of dialogue by the same speaker, interrupted only by a parenthetical description of action by the same character, can be in the same paragraph. Only when they extend to more than one sentence apiece, or are interrupted by dialogue or action by a different character, do they need to have separate paragraphs. Many reputable authors do this.

Nuclear....YEP. The metals for such are well within the "dense" category to which I limited his powers, and secondly, that was in his original profile, and still is today. Didn't you read about the WWII shoulder-launched micro-nukes? Only difference is that Shado can generate his own bomb shelter. We aren't talking Hiroshima here, ya know...

Again, one of the defining attributes of Shado's char is that he is a Highlander. Thus, he will often speak as such. If you say "incoherently," you are insulting the works of R.L.S. (Robert Louis Stevenson), Sir Walter Scott, and Robert Burns (the national poet of Scotland), all of which extensively used brogue (and even full on Gaelic) in many or all of their works, and THEY weren't kind enough to include translations like I did. That is a no-no, Malacal...


There are better ways of switching perspectives of characters, like saying their names and then describing how they see things and what they're doing. You did this well enough that you don't need the odd spacing pattern.

Okay, canid is not a word I am familiar with so you're redeemed for that one.

Your phrase was poorly worded, that is why I suggested as I had.

Lothian is indeed a complex word that you needed to define. Weakling is a close enough synonym that you could use it the way I had so the reader understands without their being goofy brackets.

You should not have two characters speaking in the same paragraph, ever. because of things such as the rules you mentioned, it becomes a headache to determine who is speaking sometimes.

A nuclear blast, no matter how small is still a nuclear blast. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eiM-RzPHyGs#t=235)

I am not insulting their works. You should either do as they did and not offer a translation, or just say that's it's incoherent.

Shadowolf
07-27-2015, 07:48 PM
If you actually think that I could safely do without translations, then great. I would be more than happy to take that advice. I assumed that people would want translations for difficult parts.

While I still would not use weakling for Lothian, I understand your point, and could use perhaps and appositive phrase to further describe it, since I think one word would not be enough.

What you just said here clarifies what you were talking about with my dialogue. Your original critique was slightly vague on that point, and led me to think that you were referring to speech by the same char, not different ones. I entirely understand now, and will make sure to pay attention to that. (I usually do, so thank you for catching it).

Yes, a nuclear blast is still a nuclear blast. But you must remember (and I will write more about this in Shado's char page to help in the future) the small about of nuclear material that fits in the tip of his spear would have less power than a large pile of TnT. It's just a heck of a lot more portable. If you notice, the blast does not even entirely destroy the machine shop (see where I reference a still standing wall), nor does it harm Shado's hastily constructed blast-shelter. When I say micro-nuke, I mean MICRO.

I also realize that you do not intend to be insulting. However, referring to brogue as "incoherent" is not exactly a preferable means of describing it. I am a bit more sensitive to this because it is a large part of my heritage, (Scott is actually a distant relative of mine on my mother's side, for example). I understand your point (see what I said at the beginning). I just think another term (such as "cursing under his breath" or even plainly saying "in his native brogue") might be a bit more applicable in this case, don't you agree?

I do sincerely appreciate the time you took to clarify this second time, as it was definitely helpful.

Crank
07-28-2015, 09:41 PM
Ah links, my third greatest nemesis, right behind Nemesis himself and my personal spelling.

But anyway!


The first thing I want to open with is you might want to shy away from spelling things out too much for your readers. Unfortunately there's a fine line between showing how things are and talking down to the people reading your story.

This is gonna be too easy. It's unfortunate for him that he is only my second battle, because I have a huge stock of precharged runes with me. At this rate I will be able to run him to death.

Again, it's good to show how characters work, but if me myself were in his shoes, there's no way I'd be thinking all that. I already know this is my second fight, it's a given for me and even if I know its why I have so much ammunition, so to speak, it wouldn't make it to my internal monologue. I just feels forced, and because these are the details in question, it comes off like we lack the intelligence to understand he'd come prepared to a fight without being told specifically. It'd be almost like having a protagonist with a gun, and then specify that he's got a full clip when he knows he's going to be shooting people. He kinda needs to.

This is gonna be too easy, at this rate I will be able to run him to death.

If you really do want to mention that he can be careless you can throw that in as well, but at least in my mind if I'm not going to be conservative with what I've got, ammo will be a distant memory until I start to feel my bullets run low.


This is gonna be too easy, at this rate I will be able to run him to death even if I am reckless.

Next thing is that if something hurts, show it.

As it was, the shots had still cracked his ribs, though the healing runes were beginning their work to remedy that.

Now I haven't been shot (yet) but I'd imagine it would suck to at least a mild degree. I got a paper cut from a card board box today (Mad skill, right?) and even though it didn't bring me to my knees, quaking in the searing anguish of a thousand burning suns, it still caught a reaction. I made a quick grunt and retracted my finger to my palm before balling a fist around it. When I unclenched my hand I came to the discovery that the box had unfortunately done critical damage and even though I was several levels higher than it, the digit was bleeding significantly more than expected, leaving a thumb sized, rough circle of blood where it had rested. I could feel my heartbeat through the tiny extension on my hand and as it retained a dull stinging feeling I discovered touching it to things would agitate and amplify the negative feelings.

If you can get that much out of a paper cut, how much goes into the damage done by the sniper? Did his knees buckle as his bones snapped, did he cough blood as they pierced his lungs before the healing powers began to take effect? This a turning point for the wolf, which makes it something especially important to really dive into.

This however, is a better example of where you did that:

He never saw the rune on his foe's right palm begin to shine until the hand was suddenly thrust at his chest. The world swam as his body hurtled into the dingy brick walls, boxes splintering beneath him. He coughed, and his mouth filled with something coppery and hot.

If you treated all of your turning points like that, it'd do you some real good, be them for or against your hero.

Also, you might not need your bracket explanations either. If someone's glaring into your eyes as they call you a Punta you don't really need to know Spanish to know it's not a compliment.

All in all though, I think you did quite well in your first fight! Keep it up!



I just want to begin by saying double spacing between paragraph makes my eyes smile. While there's nothing wrong with a full single space, the break up does make it look cleaner. Also, it appears you've taken away my ability to copy paste things. Dammit.

And that leads us straight into the first thing!

If you're writing third person, make sure there's some kind of differentiation between narrator and character. Unfortunately we can't all be the Rock, but a lot of people get around this by placing a character's thoughts in italics. Fancy!

Alright, so I'm a little deeper and apparently you do do this most of the time, but the single word ones like "Damn." And "Wait." Still seemed to be missed. If it's a direct quote of what the character's thinking, slant it. It's a similar deal with the commentary, like "Except... ouch" If you can't make it a character's line or thought, it may be something you'd want to omit. Having said that, I feel like you might like First Person. It has a lot more of that kind of exposition and you can get away with a lot more of that sort of thing.

That last main thing I want to touch on is the ending, or at least of the fight. I assume you know what a Fatality is? Mortal Kombat has been pop culture forever because it knows they way things end stick with you. Now my main man and I don't play 1V1 fighting games with each other, but I promise uppercutting that son of a bitch's head off and then slicing his body in half would be way more satisfying then landing a shin kick and have KO pop up on my screen.

Now, I'm not saying you had a shin kick equivalent when you did pull off a finishing move, but it did kinda have that aaaaaand done sorta feel to it. Similarly, I'm not going to imply I'd still be fighting after I lost a limb, but you need to show that he's unable to proceed at that point. What precise feelings are rendering him unable to fight, how exactly did that happen and by all means slow down the big shots. The way things end stick with your characters the most, and again, while losing an arm is devastating, that final shot pretty much just comes down to "And then he lost his arm". Expanding on these kinds of things would do you some real good!

Like Shadowolf though, very nice first fight!

Malacal
07-29-2015, 10:23 AM
Got done with your CnC Aric, look at my first post.

Also, Crank, a nemesis is something you can't defeat so...

Aric Kale
07-29-2015, 03:40 PM
Oh my. I must say from first looks I'm already impressed. Two new guys and the stories aren't filled with spelling mistakes, bad grammar, and awful plot (from what I can tell).
I'll proceed with CnC in a bit... for now I'll read.
*snip*


Sin Tally I:
You have frequent character interjections that sort of take away from the story. I understand that it's from Aric's perspective but... it kinda takes away from the story.
Especially the one part with The Runist being on a motorcycle (all this Maxar and Marcus stuff is confusing me, they're too similar.) That part would've sounded much better like so:

What beheld his sight was most surprising. Maxar began analyzing the scene and came to the realization that there was a man on a motorcycle driving towards; said man had only one arm.

Something like that... personally I'm not grand at improving upon work. If I want to "Revise" something I bulldoze it and lay down a new foundation. Needless to say, I will not work in construction simply placing new tile on the roof would lead to removing the second floor.

Sin Tally II:
Agh, I can't copy/paste. This will make CnC more tedious.
Okay, so at towards the end of the conversation with Paul, the dialog is just back and forth words. This just feels... awkward. If there's one thing I hate it's dialog done with only dialog. People do things while they talk usually, they aren't statues that trade words. You did well in the beginning of the conversation, but at the end it fell apart.

Sin Tally III:
You didn't allow copying and pasting on your Doc, making CnC more difficult.
(This is meant to be a joke sin, but please allow it next time.)

Sin Tally IV:
While not really important, MacGuffin's Mechanical Supply should be Italicized, not bolded. Or you could just have the name with capital letters at the beginning of each word and people would understand nonetheless.

Sin Tally V:
The accent is a bit extreme. Shadowolf is a Highland Celt and all but... this is just a little ridiculous. I could understand a few apostrophes but not "wulnae."

Sin Tally VI:
You change perspectives quite frequently, almost every paragraph it seems.I would suggest making switches in perspective only at drastic moments in combat or if you have a very slow fight going on. Also, I need you to whip me for my sin of using the word "very."

Sin Tally VII:
I know you've already gotten crap for the "and then an hour went by" stuff. In your defense you almost did it right.
Your timing of saying an hour went by is actually what killed this. If you want the eternal combat feel then you need to throw the descriptors in first. Say that every pillar that came he destroyed and the numerous protection runes served to drag the fight into a tiring eternal dance, soon to be fated to whoever makes the first mistake or collapses of exhaustion. THEN, when something different happens and there is a breathing point, comment on how the sun has moved so drastically.

While Aric had 7 sins (hue, that was unintentional) to Shado's 10, Shado's were less serious. In fact, Aric, with all the "Yes, bafahojoa'sfjic" and odd speech from character perspective, you dropped the quality of your work. For that, my vote goes to Shadowolf.

But, impressive showing from the both of you. I've never seen two new guys show up and have such quality. You both have a ways to go, but you're definitely some of the best rookies we've had yet... I wash I was this good when I started out...

I appreciate the advice, Malacal. I'll definitely switch POV less. I can see where it would confuse things.

Actually, even I can't copy/paste on google.docs. It's weird like that. However, ctrl+c and other keycodes still work on it. Hopefully that helps.

Sorry about the brogue, I actually used this website (http://www.whoohoo.co.uk/scottish-translator.asp) to "translate" what I wanted Maxar to say into a Highlander's accent. I can understand your sentiment though. It's pretty thick.

Again, I appreciate the advice, and I'll try to do better next time. After 3+ years of FFRP you'd think I'd be better at this, eh?

Edit: I hadn't noticed Crank's review yet.

I hadn't considered writing in a 1st person POV, but I may try it out. Coincidentally, my next fight is against Ken_Ruo, and he uses it quite well.
Every time that it was supposed to be a thought, I used italics, but it's clear that I made my narration a tad too personal. Hopefully my second wRHG battle fares better.

I'll bump up my spacing to 1.5, and if that's still too small, I'll go ahead and do a full double space.
Also, same as what I said to Mal, google.docs doesn't allow the reader or writer to copy/paste without using key commands.

Shadowolf
07-29-2015, 07:18 PM
Crank, Thanks for the tip about spelling things out. Sometimes there are things that I want to specify, but I guess certain ones are just understood.

Only one note about the bullets...Marcus's protection runes were operating. Thus, he didn't REALLY get "shot." All he suffered was a sharp impact that only "cracked his ribs" rather than piercing him through and all that. (If he hadn't been protected, Shado would have hit his heart, and ended the battle waaaayyyy to early for a good story.) Now, same here, I haven't ever been shot, but I have cracked a rib (twice, actually). It sucks, but its not actually as painful as you would think. Now, I do know that I have an abnormally high pain-threshold, so that does affect the legitimacy of my views on pain. I will need to work on that.

Malacal, I just had to do a small quote from your critique of Aric after I finished chuckling: "I wash I was this good when I started out..."
Well, good luck with your bath tonight, Malacal....

Malacal
07-29-2015, 11:01 PM
Malacal, I just had to do a small quote from your critique of Aric after I finished chuckling: "I wash I was this good when I started out..."
Well, good luck with your bath tonight, Malacal....

Like Crank, I share the nemesis of being unable to spell.