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View Full Version : Dozer (Urako) vs Lost (PitchEnder)



Urako
08-03-2015, 08:36 AM
Okay everyone. Both PitchEnder and I looked were looking for someone to fight, so we fought each other. If anyone wants to know, here are our characters;

Dozer (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?91455-Derrick-Ozer-(Dozer)) Vs. Lost (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?95019-Lost-The-Rogue-Robot-NOW-FIGHTING-DOZER).

Anyways, here are our stories.


https://docs.google.com/document/d/13aHRx1X8jri2AidzF21-xAcumw2bt4K-pDbWwHqRX_s/edit?usp=sharing


Lost was walking down the dark streets of Stick Page City on cold winter night, searching for the next unlucky mugger that happened to cross paths with him. He scanned the horizon quickly from left to right only to see the barren road ahead of him. All was quiet, not even the night had anything to say. It was, as a human would put it, eerie. As if something were about to happen. Lost had remembered this was a sign but he couldn’t remember exactly what the sign was. It was probably lost after the members of Blade Mercenaries rebooted him to keep him from spreading the word about their secret club. As Lost was, in lack of a better term, lost in his “thoughts” a loud scream broke the silence of the night and without hesitation Lost ran towards it.

As soon as Lost arrived at his destination in two point five seconds he noticed a woman crying by the side of the rode and a man running away with something tightly held against his chest. Lost quickly analyzed the situation and he came to the conclusion that the thing that the man was carrying belonged to the female and he was trying to make a quick escape with it. So with the situation quickly analyzed Lost ran after his new target. But not without attracting the attention of a particular individual.

The man ran into the woods, through some bushes, and out into a clearing where he was met by your friendly neighborhood killer robot Lost. The man radiated a faux confidence as he spoke.

“Get out of my way kid, didn’t you know Halloween was in October?” The man said, motioning to Lost as if his robotic body was a costume. Lost didn’t reply to this comment. “Hey kid I’m talkin’ to …” The man stopped as his eyes widened in fear. Lost now had his hand, now split in half revealing the barrel of a gun, pointed directly at the man. The man opened up his mouth to speak but he was interrupted by a bullet piercing right between his eyes, through his skull, out the back of his head, and into the tree directly behind him. His eyes crossed trying to look at the newly formed breathing hole in his forehead before falling to the ground, dropping the “something” he was holding on to so tightly. This “something” turned out to be a purse and a very nice one.

Lost picked up the purse and turned around to go return the purse to its rightful owner. But when he did he saw someone standing right in front of him. This person was an average looking eighteen-year-old male with black hair, white skin, and brown eyes. He was wearing a plan white T-shirt as well as blue jeans, black vans sneakers, and a golden cross necklace. The only thing that really stuck out to lost was the black metallic pole that was firmly clenched within his left hand.

“That man didn’t deserve to be killed.” The man who was blocking Lost’s path to finishing his duties said.

“Please move, mister…” Lost dragged out the mister in this sentence since he did not know the man’s name. He read in a book that this is how humans ask for people’s names so he had been practicing it, even though he found it completely idiotic.

“Dozer, and I will not move until you tell me why you killed this man and what are you doing with that woman’s purse.” The man said. Lost thought about his options for a second before settling with what he thought was the most logical. He pointed the gun at Dozer.

“Then I will force you to move.” Lost replied, only hearing the “I will not move” part of his sentence since it was the only one that pertained to his mission, or so he thought. Lost took the shot while Dozer dived to the side, he decided he did not want to tango with a bullet.

“Alright, since you I have no evidence pointing towards you being innocent I will accept this battle, but this will not end well for.” Dozer jumped to the side once again to avoid another oncoming bullet. The staff that he was holding on to started to pulse with a blue light. “Looks like we are doing this the hard way.” The staff shot a blue ball of kinetic energy at Lost, hitting him in the chest. Lost was knocked slightly off balance but he was able to regain his stance. This gave Dozer enough time to put some distance between him and his new enemy.

“New information gained, Adjusting fighting style.” Lost’s gun retracted back into his hand, being replaced by two metal poles that surged with electricity. Dozer got into a fighting stance; his staff had a purple aura surrounding it. Lost deployed his jetpack and he flew towards Dozer, slashing at him with his lightning rods. Dozer ducked in the nick of time and he punched Lost in the stomach. This shifted Lost’s center of balance adjusting his flight pattern, making him crash into the nearest tree instead of safely behind Dozer in the field. After a few brief moments Lost lunged out of the tree but a purple ball of kinetic energy smacked into him, sending him flying into the trunk of the tree he just came out of.

“Are you finished yet? I'm getting a little tired.” Dozer tapped his staff on the ground and it started to glow red. Lost sat still, propped up against the tree. He did not say anything for a while. “I'm taking that as a yes.” Dozer shot a red ball of kinetic energy at Lost and just before it hit he vanished, leaving a bit of static behind. Dozer looked around quickly, trying to find his enemy. But it was too late. Lost appeared behind him and electrocuted him with his lightning rod. Dozer fell to his knees.

“What the hell?” Dozer grabbed his staff and tried to charge a red blast but it refused to do so. He cursed under his breath just as Lost delivered a strong kick to Dozers gut. Dozer started coughing wildly as he grabbed his stomach as if it would reduce the pain. Before he was able to turn and look at Lost he was kicked once again but this time in the side. Dozer fell over onto his back but he held back a scream, there was no way he would let his enemy know he was in pain.

Dozer was finally given the chance to look at his attacker. Lost’s eyes were glowing bright red and his hands were clenched together, as if lost was angry.

Robots don’t get angry. Dozer thought to himself as Lost ‘s hand split open and he pointed the gun at Dozer’s chest. If he is able to feel anger then maybe there is a way to reason with him. Dozer opened his mouth to speak but all that came out was a gargling noise that was accompanied by a steady stream of blood. Lost just shot four new breathing holes into Dozer’s lungs and all Lost did was turn and walk away to return the ladies purse. Leaving Dozer there in the field within the woods to rot.


I hope you all enjoy reading these. May the best writer win:D

PitchEnder
08-03-2015, 10:49 AM
Yeah I messed up big time, lol. Good job urako

Shadowolf
08-03-2015, 12:49 PM
Let's keep it short and sweet-ish (Mal and Vern are reading this right now, so I know I don't need to bother much).

Pitch...ow.
Way too short. In my opinion, you might have won. There was just too little here.
Me: "Let's read Pitch's bat-"
Me a half second later: "Well then...I blinked and missed the whole thing."
That's the only thing that I have to say, mainly since...well, there isn't enough material for me to say anything else.

Urako...fl-ow. (Hehe, lame joke, right?)
You overused the same transitional words and descriptors, and used somewhat choppy (and repetitive) sentence structure.
Most paragraphs repeated certain words/phrases at least twice, sometimes thrice.
Additionally, you made Lost something of a sub-plot, rather than the main issue at hand. I understand having an over-reaching theme in your work, but make sure it doesn't steal the spotlight. The first 6th and last 6th of your work didn't even have Lost in there.
In all, compared to other work of yours that I have read, this seems...well...lazy. Like you didn't proof read whatsoever.

I voted for Urako because Pitch's just seemed (in addition to the mistakes that other people will point out)...ephemeral. That is the best word for it, in my opinion (I know it's an odd term, but look it up and you'll see what I mean).

By the way, whose idea was this battle?

Urako
08-03-2015, 02:43 PM
Let's keep it short and sweet-ish (Mal and Vern are reading this right now, so I know I don't need to bother much).

Pitch...ow.
Way too short. In my opinion, you might have won. There was just too little here.
Me: "Let's read Pitch's bat-"
Me a half second later: "Well then...I blinked and missed the whole thing."
That's the only thing that I have to say, mainly since...well, there isn't enough material for me to say anything else.

Urako...fl-ow. (Hehe, lame joke, right?)
You overused the same transitional words and descriptors, and used somewhat choppy (and repetitive) sentence structure.
Most paragraphs repeated certain words/phrases at least twice, sometimes thrice.
Additionally, you made Lost something of a sub-plot, rather than the main issue at hand. I understand having an over-reaching theme in your work, but make sure it doesn't steal the spotlight. The first 6th and last 6th of your work didn't even have Lost in there.
In all, compared to other work of yours that I have read, this seems...well...lazy. Like you didn't proof read whatsoever.

I voted for Urako because Pitch's just seemed (in addition to the mistakes that other people will point out)...ephemeral. That is the best word for it, in my opinion (I know it's an odd term, but look it up and you'll see what I mean).

By the way, whose idea was this battle?

I don't mean to try and excuse my mistakes and I certainly hope to do better next time, but things came up in real life and I barely managed to finish. So you would be right about me hardly proof reading it at all:p

I'll try to do better about the plot next time as well.

And the battle was my idea.

Malacal
08-03-2015, 03:13 PM
And now, your sins.

Sin Tally I:
Your descriptions are lackluster. In fact, you hardly describe anything. You fail to describe the scream, for example. You also do a poor job at describing deafening silence where the crickets are hushed in anticipation. When you do describe things, the flow seems to fluctuate.

Sin Tally II:
You need to describe settings more. I'm a criminal of this also, but you should mention more than, Winter and Night. Is it snowing? Are there streetlamps illuminating the walkway? Detail man, details!

Sin Tally III:
Okay, I understand there are profiles we can read, but ain't nobody got time for that. All we know about Lost in this story is that he's a robot. We need... a little more than that.

Sin Tally IV:
"As soon as Lost arrived at his destination in two point five seconds he noticed a woman crying by the side of the rode and a man running away with something tightly held against his chest."
The bolded part was completely unnecessary and makes you look like you'd be a terrible rapper. What does this have to do with rapping, it's the flow *insert whatever phrase is currently politically correct for black people*

Sin Tally V:
"turned out to be a purse and a very nice one."
Never, ever in your life say "very nice" unless CnC-ing someone for saying "very nice." Say like it was a high quality purse, or something. Just, don't say "very nice"

Sin Tally VI:
"The staff shot a blue ball of kinetic energy at Lost"
We uh-huh, the power of blue energy means nothing to those who don't read the profile or don't memorize the colors.

Sin Tally VII:
"lost was angry"
Have your teachers ever told you "Show, don't tell"?
Because, you can describe the clenching of fists and the grinding of teeth and grunts and all that, but saying "they're angry" is... lazy and dumb sounding.

Sin Tally VIII:
Your story was wayyyyyy to short.

Vern
08-07-2015, 09:44 AM
Alright, I'd give you both some more thorough critique but sadly I'm on little internet right now so I don't have the time to do so, thus I'll keep it short.

Urako, you know I love you man, but you did let me down on this one... There's seas of mistakes everywhere and the battle itself feels quite sloppy as well. I can see the potential for it being quite a nice battle but the language is very repetitive, and that long with the many mistakes and awry sentence structure completely ruins your flow and clarity. I read you had little time, though, so I'll stay off of your back on the matter. Just know that the battle, as it is now, is something that could've been nice, but turned out to be quite the letdown. There's nothing wrong with asking your opponent for a little more time to proofread your work, and if they refuse to give you that time then quite honestly you gotta wonder why you're battling them in the first place.

Frankly if it weren't that I appreciated your work so much I most likely wouldn't even have bothered reading past page two. I've set myself to reading it to the end but frankly couldn't get myself to reading the last few pages of the fight (I skipped it around page 9 to read Decks' note) as the battle was quite linear and straightforward. There's nothing wrong with length but making battles too long tends to ruin it as well, so either cut down on your work or give it that extra 'umph' next time ;)

I don't really think I need to tell you anything else, really. I believe you're already good enough to look at your battle again and see all the things wrong with it, so I won't be bothering with going in depth on that later on because I have a battle and an OCT to do myself....

Now Pitch, I sincerely wonder why you picked Urako up on his challenge. He's on a completely different level (though really with how sloppy this one's battle was this time you could've possibly won if your work was longer and more interesting) and frankly, if you want a chance at winning then I suggest looking for people around your skill level. A lot of other new writers have joined the fray as of late so there should be plenty of opponents for you out there. Your battle is far from a letdown though, because I thought you worse than this. Still, Urako's out of your league for now.

I'd give you an elaborate analysis of your work, but as stated earlier I have no time for that right now (also : Battle and OCT are, quite honestly, higher on my priority list). If you want a general clue of what I'm trying to get at then refer to the feedback I gave to Chaotic in his battle with Mal and compare it with your own work. There's lots to learn from the works of others as well, if improving is something you even bother with.

Sorry if my critique is a bit asshole-ish, but once again I'm on little time and I'm just trying to get the message through. Some of my feedback may be false but I can't properly revise it right now (Yes, I'm feeling you Urako, still, feedback is something completely different from a battle).