PDA

View Full Version : (PitchEnder) Lost Vs (TheChosenGamer) Verde



PitchEnder
08-12-2015, 08:23 AM
Ok so our last battle thread wasn't made correctly so I'm remaking it

Here is our battles, my battle is short because I rushed it :3
Verde's Story

Returning from his defeat against the beast, Verde saw, far out in the distance, a glimpse of the base camp of his clan, The Network. Outside standing, is Lost the leader. Verde knew at once that his boss had just came back from a fierce battle with someone else.

Even though Verde lost he didn't came back empty handed. Thanks to his last opponent, he's got a new trick up his sleeve. With confidence, he march forth to their base camp to talk to the rogue robot and deliver the news.


Lost, still in his silent mode heard the footsteps of his co-leader. His head twitches at the direction of Verde. He automatically activated his human-intelligence mode, for he knew that a long conversation between the two is about to occur.
"Hey boss" Verde said with a smile, although it was a smile of dissatisfaction.
"So, how did your battle go?" the gentle leader asked. "I screwed up big time" he replied.
"Guess I'm not experienced enough to join battles like this" Verde replied with a sigh. At once, Lost knew already what will be the best solution to Verde's problem.


Right as Verde was chattering away, he readies his arm and equipped it with a laser blade silently, like a real assassin. He started to begin his treacherous attack and in the blink of an eye, stabs Verde right on his scarred face. Verde reacted quickly, he ducked with the tip of the blade a centimeter away from his throat.


"Hey, what's the big idea boss?" Verde replied with a confused face.
"What you lack is experience in fights, therefore I will grant it to you." Lost replied.
Lost then swipes his hand downward but Verde manage to roll away avoiding a critical hit.


Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Lost disappeared, he has activated his cloaking device. However, Verde was still calm even though he knew that he could be in danger. He brought out a saguaro shield in his hands. "I know assassins when I see one" Verde said. He closed his eyes and concentrated his mind. Seconds passed and he opened his eyes and deployed his shield on his back. A squishing sound can be heard behind him, it was Lost, stabbing the saguaro.


"Heh, you're good" Verde said with a smile on his face "however, I am not just a simple botanist." Verde then swiped his foot at the base of the saguaro, the kick was very skilled like that of Quickfeet's strike. The saguaro swayed sideways and at that moment, Verde equipped his vine whip and grappled at Lost right arm.


"You've improved since your last fight." Lost said. "What, how did you know how I were on my last fight?" Verde replied, confused.
"Wanna know how?" Lost said.
"What if I do?" Verde said.
"I'm not telling you 'till you beat me?" Lost challenged.
Lost then pointed his free arm on Verde. After that, a mini gun appeared in place of his arm. Verde was stunned, this is a very advanced technology, so then he took interest of him as a new specimen for his collection.


"Lock n loaded :3" Lost said.
"Oh crap" Verde replied.
A stream of bullet came out of Lost. Everything in the area was blown to oblivion. Dracustos came walking from the forest when he saw the smoke.
"What the hell is this!" Dracustos said with confusion. Pretending he never saw anything, he came running to the base camp.


The smoke cleared out, only Lost could be seen on the center of the billowing dust. Verde was nowhere to be seen. Lost looked around "target lost." Lost then heard a voice on his rear side "hey boss, why you making jokes on yourself, target LOST." Lost turned around and saw a dirty white lab coat on the ground and up above it is Verde with his suit.
"Jeez, you don't have to go that far you know, and you ruined my coat." Verde said with a slightly angry expression.
"Well then, guess I have to use it now" Verde said silently.


He brought out something from his pocket, a seed which is unfamiliar to Lost. "Well boss, presenting my new weapon, the Hedge Lion." Verde said.


He came running towards Lost, unaware of his new weapon. To be safe he brought out his lightning rods. Verde threw his seed forward while running. The seed, rolling, suddenly grew bigger and bigger, leaf sprung out and formed a shape, a lion figure.


Lost was surprised, he never saw such madness. Verde jumped at the lion and ride it like a pro. Lost swipes his hand to electrocute the lion but its cat-like reflexes enabled it to jump over Lost.


Lost then swipes his other hand on the lion on top of him. He succeeded on electrocuting the lion but Verde was not there. He was behind him, with a grass blade pointing on his infinity core, ready to be destroyed.


"I'm impressed, you managed to make me let my guard down." Lost said, admitting defeat.
"I've beaten you, now let me know you're secret on technology." Verde said
"Fine it'll be your trophy of defeating me" Lost said

Lost turned around to Verde who let go of his blade.
The two then had a long conversation.
"Energy."
"Wha-?"
"Energy is my secret. The infinity core supplied me mass amounts of it."
"How can I use that on my research?"
Lost puts his hand on his chest.
"What are you doing?"
"Just wait."
Lost released his hand and showed it to Verde, holding an orb like object on his arm.
"This orb may be small, but it has enough power to light up a small country."
"I don't know what I'm going to do with this, but I'll accept it, a trophy is a trophy I guess."
"Heh, well then we have to get going."
"Yeah, Hey Dracustos! You got that errand I made you run the other day?" Verde shouted on the window.
"Shut up! I ain't even started it!" Dracustos replied.
Verde laughed with no reason.
*I still have a long way to go* Verde said on his mind.

Mine:

Lost Vs Verde

It was a bright, summer day in the forest. It was a perfect day for a battle of any kind. Lost knew this because he ran multiple tests and all of them came up positive. So he decided this day would be training day. Lost only had three members in his clan but he knew that they needed to train even if they weren’t complete. Lost stood by a large oak tree waiting for his first sparring partner Verde.

Lost stood there for a small amount of time, not even five minutes, before Verde walked into his line of vision. Verde was wearing a businessman’s suit and a necktie. His skin was green and his hair was in a weird flat style. He also wore a weird mustache as a disguise. Lost could tell from a mile away that it was him.

“So are you ready for our spar?” Verde said, ditching the disguise as he realized it wasn’t working.

“There is a 99.99% probability that I will win the altercation. So yes, I am ready.” Lost replied, running towards Verde. Verde held out his hand and a Cactus like shield. Verde was already making a plan for what he was going to do next but he was caught of guard by Lost who punched a hole straight through the shield.

Looks like you’re stronger than I thought you were Verde thought. Lost pointed his hand at Verde. Verde jumped to the right narrowly avoiding a flurry of bullets. What is he trying to do, kill me? A grass sword grew out of the ground and Verde grabbed the handle. Lost equipped his own sword, leaving the laser turned off.

Verde tried to slash Lost but all he hit was air. Verde quickly looked around him seeing nothing but trees. Where are you Verde thought, preparing himself for any kind of attack. After a good five minutes Verde spotted a shimmering object beside a tree. Verde threw a seed at it and a large oak tree instantly grew beneath it. Lost deactivated his cloak and looked around. The oak tree had not only lifted Lost, it also brought a large chunk of land with it that made it look like an arena in the sky.


Lost wasn’t the least bit impressed. All he did was stand there and wait for his opponent to arrive. Just then Verde was lifted up to the arena by a branch on the tree. Verde jumped on to the arena in front of Lost.

“Environment changed, adjusting strategy.” Lost replaced the mini-gun in his hand with a lightning rod. Verde watched Lost, trying to predict his next attack. For a moment it was a stand still. Neither fighter made a move for the longest time until Verde got impatient and charged at Lost. Verde slashed at Lost and his blade connected, slicing off Lost’s left arm. Verde slowed down to a stop and turned to slash once again but instead of seeing Lost standing there in a defensive pose like he predicted Lost was running towards a large inward growing branch, the only one that was in the boundaries of the arena. Verde was confused making him unable to move for a fraction of a second, but this second was all the time Lost needed.
Lost jumped up and activated his jetpack. But instead of flying away he landed on the branch, grabbed hold of it and turned the jetpack to full blast.

Oh no, he’s trying to burn the tree! Verde ran towards Lost to stop him but it was to late. The fire spread rapidly since most of the oak tree was dying from the accelerated growth. There was a loud rumble then the sound of wind. The tree was falling.

Verde braced himself for impact, Watching the ground get closer and closer as each second past by. This is it I’m done for. Verde closed his eyes. But when the tree hit the ground he didn’t feel a thing. None of his bones broke, and his skin didn’t have a scratch on it. All he heard was the sound of the tree landing on the ground. He opened his eyes and there was Lost. With one broken leg and a missing arm, hovering in the sky holding Verde up. Lost landed, slightly hopping on one leg.

“Thanks.” Verde said, smiling slightly.

“No problem” Lost replied. A streak of light appeared on Lost’s face and curved upwards into a smile. This surprised Verde, as he had never seen his leader “smile” before. Yet it made him feel happy for some reason.

Vote fairly :3

Urako
08-12-2015, 09:18 AM
I think you both are fairly even. I voted for Verde though.

PitchEnder
08-12-2015, 09:24 AM
The only 2 problems I have for Verde were his spelling and at the end where he took losts power source. Lost would have deactivated

Oh and the :3 confused me

TheChosenGamer
08-12-2015, 04:52 PM
I only took a portion of your INFINITY core.

PitchEnder
08-13-2015, 09:20 AM
I only took a portion of your INFINITY core.

Oh I thought you took all of it :3 hey I got a vote :D

Shadowolf
08-13-2015, 11:16 AM
I voted for Pitch.

Pitch, you need to make sure that your "thoughts" are clearly defined as such, not just blended with the rest of the text. Also, avoid overly long sentences with no division in them whatsoever. These are just the major points, since I don't have time right now to comment on the finer faults.

Gamer, I did not vote for you because your work seemed...disjointed. Your sentence structure is haphazard and full of run-ons. Your noun-verb agreement and tenses are tenuous at best.
NEVER put an emote symbol in your work.
NEVER have dialogue without interspersing action descriptions.
NEVER bring in another person/char into your work that does not have relevance to the story.
NEVER randomly add a skill to your character without first checking for approval (variations of the same skill are fine, such as I do with Shado's metal-powers, but just adding a living creature -- not really a plant, by the way, even though you call it that -- is not OK). I think you are tending towards what Waffles called the Toolbox Conundrum (which, coincidentally, was just mentioned regarding another character...) Link to the Toolbox Conundrum as described by Waffles (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?94247&viewfull=1#post1362923)

Additionally, you inverted who was doing an action: "He brought out something from his pocket, a seed which is unfamiliar to Lost. "Well boss, presenting my new weapon, the Hedge Lion." Verde said.


He came running towards Lost, unaware of his new weapon. To be safe he brought out his lightning rods. Verde threw his seed forward while running. The seed, rolling, suddenly grew bigger and bigger, leaf sprung out and formed a shape, a lion figure."

Error adjustment: Lost came running towards Verde, unaware of his new weapon.

Lastly, Pitch has made it clear that Lost's conversational skills are distinctly "robot-ish"...you have he speaking colloquially, sometimes even making use of slang. I do not feel that Lost would actually do that.

I intend all of my critiques to be used constructively, not as mere criticism.

Best of Wishes, D.V.

PitchEnder
08-13-2015, 12:21 PM
Yes the speaking part. I have said on Lost's page that when he is in battle he doesn't speak much and when he does its only when he is analyzing something. When he isn't in battle he will speak more formally. He would never use slang terms when speaking.

Lost is a full on robot not an android like Bl.An.C or anything so he wouldn't have prior knowledge on slang terms or how humans would usually speak.

And lost doesnt have a "human intelligence mode" he only has two modes so far and they aren't very different. One is his regular mode and the other is his anger mode which just indicates that he's angry by making his eyes glow red.

TheChosenGamer
08-13-2015, 04:06 PM
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.

TheChosenGamer
08-13-2015, 04:08 PM
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.

But anyways, thanks for the criticisms can make me a better writer.

Oh, sorry for the bump. Internet problems too slow. Made a double post

roBEAT
08-14-2015, 09:31 AM
@ PitchEnder


Verde tried to slash Lost but all he hit was air. Verde quickly looked around him seeing nothing but trees. Where are you Verde thought, preparing himself for any kind of attack. After a good five minutes Verde spotted a shimmering object beside a tree. Verde threw a seed at it and a large oak tree instantly grew beneath it.

You are using the character's names pretty often, making your sentences kinda repetitive. I suggest using "he" or, something like "the botanist" instead. :)

PitchEnder
08-14-2015, 10:22 AM
@ PitchEnder



You are using the character's names pretty often, making your sentences kinda repetitive. I suggest using "he" or, something like "the botanist" instead. :)

Ah that's what I was thinking when I was writing,thanks :3

Shadowolf
08-14-2015, 07:58 PM
Shadow when you corrected me on the running I really meant that. Verde was the one running to Lost.




In that case, why on earth would he (Verde) be "unaware" of his own weapon? Perhaps you are thinking of another word...

Ebehp
08-17-2015, 08:38 AM
In that case, why on earth would he (Verde) be "unaware" of his own weapon? Perhaps you are thinking of another word...

Perhaps Verde meant Lost wasn't sure what Verde's weapon was.

TheChosenGamer
08-17-2015, 04:18 PM
Perhaps Verde meant Lost wasn't sure what Verde's weapon was.


Finally someone got it!!
And, Pitch, dude, your catchin up!