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GeneratorRexDragon
08-26-2015, 02:57 PM
So I finally found someone who was still around to beat up. YAY.

Also note there are some parts in mine where Draco speaks in Dragontongue. Allow me to translate.
Dons'ik = Dammit
Rah di ans = God my ass


It was a cool, clear night. I landed on top of a streetlight, scanning over the buildings in search of my destination. I was looking for an old church, but so far there was no sign of it. But I knew I was near; I could sense my opponent’s presence.

“Dons’ik,” I mumbled, snorting in annoyance. Hopefully the Gladiator I’m going to fight wasn’t impatient, though judging by what I’d heard he probably was. I was told many things about him. One of the most common was he proclaimed himself to be a god, though he was nothing more than an alien warlord or something of the sort. I was also warned about him, that he won’t hesitate to kill and that I should do the same.

My ear twitched, picking up some sort of noise. I turned my head and fanned out my ears. It sounded like chanting. As I followed the sound my sixth sense became stronger, until I arrived at where I’d been looking for and I landed on a streetlamp across from it. The old religious structure sat between a construction zone and a large brick building. Light came from the cracked stained glass windows. The chanting was coming from inside.

I fluttered down and peered through a hole in the worn doors. A small mass of people stood, praising what I assumed was Omega. I was told some people were stupid enough to believe he really was a god and worshipped him. Seeing it now reminded me of how idiotic humans can be.

I silently pushed open the doors and slipped in, and caught a glimpse of the alien, sitting in a throne-like chair where the altar should be. He looked like something from a bad Japanese hentai.

“Alright, unless you want to get seriously injured or killed, I suggest you go home.” The humans flinched at my telepathic voice, and when they turned they were startled to find me standing behind them.

“Who dares interrupt my worship?” the alien demanded, lifting himself up on his tentacles.

“That would be me,” I answered, crossing my arms and leaning against the wall. “We have a battle scheduled, remember? Or has this false godhood rotted that brain of yours?” Omega glared at me silently for a moment.

“Leave us,” he commanded with a wave of his hand. The worshippers obeyed, and soon we were alone. I received his glare again. “Are you trying to invoke a god’s wrath?”

“A god’s wrath? No. Yours? Maybe.”

“Hold your tongue, cretin!” the alien bellowed. “If you won’t believe willingly, I will make you believe!” I simply grinned and stood upright, uncrossing my arms. Then I flipped him off to the best of my ability, given I only have four fingers.

“How about you take one of these and call me in the morning, except don’t because fuck you.” That set the warlord off. He charged at me with a roar, his pointed tentacles coming for my head. I ducked beneath them and lunged forward, nailing him in the face with a Superman punch. He didn’t stumble back as far as I’d thought, and I landed at his feet. His boneless limbs came at me again, and I teleported onto his throne. Omega glanced side to side, searching for me.

I gave a whistle to let him know where I was. He peered over his shoulder, and I heard the familiar crackling of fire. He spun around, chucking a fireball at me. I simply blocked it with my arm.

“You’re going to have to do better than that,” I remarked with a grin. He lowered his head in a scowl, then proceeded to bombard me with fire. I swatted through each flaming ball, and eventually became bored. I held out my hand and stopped the fire before it reached me, then just let it dissipate.

“Like I said, you’ll need to do better.” The extraterrestrial charged, and I opened my jaws and spat white flames. He stumbled back and fell, shouting in pain. When I stopped I found his skin glowing red from the heat. That’s right, his skin is metal. His insides are probably cooking right now.

“You know, I was warned about you. But now I think those people were just exaggerating,” I teased.

“Insolent creature!” Omega growled as he raised himself back on his tendrils. I snorted.

“Why don’t you stop insulting me and show me what you can do, other than pretend you’re above me.” The alien complied, his tendrils moving swiftly as he rushed towards me. I hopped back from his pointed prehensile limbs, then ducked under his grabby hands. With a snarl I swiped at his chest, still hot from my fire. My talons carved through the softened metal easily, making a horrible screech that irritated my ears.

Omega reeled back with a shout, then reached up and grabbed a golden halo-like object that was floating above his head and flung it at me. I jumped, barely managing to dodge it from such close quarters. Something cold wrapped around my ankle, and I was flung against the wall of the church hard enough to knock the air from my lungs. As I gasped for breath Omega retrieved the halo and approached.

“Pathetic mortal,” he spat. He thrust the glowing halo deep into my ribs, and I let out a shrill roar. I bent to the side, making the weapon go deeper, and sank my teeth into the alien’s arm. He retreated, taking his halo with him, and I attempted to stand. I didn’t stay on my feet for long; Omega charged, and we both went through the wall. I was thrown against the wooden fence that surrounded the construction zone, but I didn’t have a chance to meet the ground. I was tackled again, going through the fence and into a metal bar, and I sank to the ground.

The tentacles came for me again. Despite my better judgement, I teleported away. I suddenly found myself at the center of the building’s skeleton, struggling to stay on my feet. That was definitely a bad idea.

“First you taunt me, and now you run like a coward? You truly are pathetic.” Omega stalked past the supports, but stopped when I laughed.

“You don’t really think you’re going to win this easily, do you?” The alien was silent for a moment.

“You can barely stand, and yet you think you still have a chance against me?” He laughed. “You can be amusing, mortal.”

“I still have a chance,” I said with a grin, “because you haven’t met the other guy.”

“What? There is another?” He turned around, looking for the “other guy”. While he was confused, I took the moment to let my beast out of its cage. As my horns and spines grew I shook myself with a snort and went to all fours. A vicious growl made Omega turn back to me. I reared up, spreading my wings with a roar. The halo was thrown at me again, and I ducked below it. It sliced through one of the supports, making it creak.

I went back to my quadruped stance and charged. I jumped around incoming tentacles and spat more white fire. As he lowered himself to avoid my flames, I lowered my horns to him and jumped. There was a metallic screech as my horns penetrated the metal skin of his chest. He remained on my horns as I continued to charge, plowing him through some bars of the building’s skeleton. I finally flung him off, and he flopped back in the dirt. I trotted around him, thinking he was down for the count.

A tentacle suddenly shot forward and went through my leg and another through my arm, making me fall to my side. They receided as another wrapped around my neck, and I was thrust against one of the few remaining bars. The structure around us creaked loudly, threatening to collapse, and I suddenly had an idea. It was a bad one, but at least it was something.

“It’s over, mortal,” Omega said, raising one of his tendrils and aiming it at my head. I gave a sly grin and snorted.

“Yes, yes it is.” Fire came from my mouth, and I was dropped as the warlord backed off. I turned and rammed through the support. I went for another, but it seemed that was all I needed. Thunderous clangs and metallic screeching filled the air as the structure came down. I weaved through the falling parts as I tried to escape. Then something struck my back, sending me to the dirt. As I scrambled to get back up something else landed on me and pinned me to the ground, then everything went black.


I coughed as I woke and glanced around. I couldn’t see anything, save for the mangled metal I was burried under. With a grunt of effort I pressed myself against the debris, trying to get my limbs under me in an attempt to lift it, but it barely moved. My limbs gave out, and I flopped back into the dirt, breathing heavily. After a sigh I lay my head down, realizing I didn’t have the energy to get out of this.

My ear twitched, and I heard voices. I couldn’t make out everything they were saying, but there was suddenly clanging and screeching as pieces of the structure were moved.

“Come on, let’s look over here,” someone said. I knew that voice. It was Felix, the head RHG Medic.

“I’m glad to hear your voice, Felix.”

“Draco? Where are you?” he called.

“How the hell am I supposed to know? All I see is metal and dirt!”

“Obviously you’re close enough to hear me. Can you make a noise or something?” I sighed. Not only was hard to breathe, it hurt to do so. I sucked in whatever air I could and dragged out a roar that sounded more like a moan. There was a whistle, and the ground vibrated as some engine started. I flinched at the clangs and screaming metal. Eventually enough was moved for me to get up, and I stumbled out of the debris. I fell to my knees, and Felix came to my side.

“Come on, let’s get you patched up,” he said as he helped me to my feet. I glanced behind me at the men still searching for Omega.

“Rah di ans,” I mumbled.



https://docs.google.com/document/d/1sL-k4KQrlQhoapvOQNXLNFBanHnLlNGC5rp69rAARR4/edit

Malacal
08-26-2015, 03:51 PM
So, is it a running gag to misspell my name now? And specifically with an
''i" to boot?
Also, I don't see a poll. Remember to set it to 7 days. Also, spell my name correctly there

GeneratorRexDragon
08-26-2015, 07:32 PM
So, is it a running gag to misspell my name now? And specifically with an
''i" to boot?

LOL Sorry, I don't know why I keep spelling it like that. I'll fix it. ;)

roBEAT
08-27-2015, 07:12 AM
GeneratorRexDragon(lel your name beri long) why aren't ya participating in any of our clan weeklies

Just send her a private message, instead of commenting it under this battle, thanks.

So, about this battle:

They were both pretty well written and really enjoyable, but I have to ask the question: Did you guys plan to not kill each other's character? Because this is what it looks like.
Honestly I expected someone dying here (The Characters clearly stated, they would kill.) It is no problem, though, because both stories have (kinda) plausible reasons to keep all Characters alive.

Now, just a few things:

@GeneratorRex Dragon: I think Dracustos, nonstop insulting his opponent doesn't fit his personality (as you desribed it in your character-thread) at all and also "If you mean to kill you're better getting to it than taliking about it..." (Quote from one of my favourite books). Dracustos said, he would kill, so he would not waste his time taunting, especially after he gained an advantage with his fire breath. Since you both have serious characters, in a probably deadly battle, I would suggest keeping it more serious and stopping after about two insults.

You might also consider, using a third-person narrator, because it is less restrictive and prevents all these "I did this. Then I did that."-sentences. However, I felt kinda close to Dracustos while reading, which might be the effect of the first-person-narrating, so....The choice is up to you.

@Malacal: Not that much to say here. I'll leave the subtleties to the more experienced writers to CnC. One little thing, though:


Instead of remaining vulnerable, Omega jumped back. Instead of fleeing to safety, he instead...
Try avoiding using one word and then using it right again and again. (I think you knew that already, but yeah...)


I also noticed one last thing. Both battles are missing a title, which in my opinion, is a more important issue, than you might think. It's always nice having a first setup for a text (unless we are talking abut chapters in books, which we aren't). This setup can be a title or a quote. (For example: Azure started his last battle with a quote about cats, because his Character is a cat.(kind of))

Urako
08-27-2015, 09:34 AM
Honestly I expected someone dying here (The Characters clearly stated, they would kill.) It is no problem, though, because both stories have (kinda) plausible reasons to keep all Characters alive.

I might be able to explain.

Dracustos is willing to kill opponents, but prefers not to. At least according to his personality. Besides that, I'm pretty sure he did kill Omega.

On Omega's side of things, I don't understand why he spared Dracustos. I think Omega is having a change of heart judging by this and his previous fights. If it keeps up, Malacal may want to edit his personality.

Lastly, taunting in of itself is an attack. It can make them do very stupid things, give up, etc.

@Malacal: You both did really well, but I voted for you.
@GeneratorRexDragon: Again, very good job. I won't be available for a while, but perhaps you can put me on your hitlist?

roBEAT
08-27-2015, 10:14 AM
Lastly, taunting in of itself is an attack. It can make them do very stupid things, give up, etc.
Yeah, I agree. My Character likes to provoke people too. However, I still don't think it would be fitting for Dracustos. (Isn't he a calm guy, who lives after an unknown knight-code?)
And even if it would, I feel like there is too much much of these insults for a fight, that serious. (Would you taunt your opponent in a fight for your life? I guess you would rather just try to beat him as fast as possible.)

I don't know, if Omega is dead at the end of Dragon's battle. After I read how Omega did not kill Dracustos, I just assumed, the authors agreeing to not kill each other's Characters. Of course I might be wrong with that.

GeneratorRexDragon
08-27-2015, 06:44 PM
I won't be available for a while, but perhaps you can put me on your hitlist?

You shall be my fourth opponent. >: D Just let me know when you're available.

Urako
08-27-2015, 10:07 PM
You shall be my fourth opponent. >: D Just let me know when you're available.

It could be a while. Feel free to face whomever in the meantime.

GeneratorRexDragon
08-28-2015, 03:54 PM
It could be a while. Feel free to face whomever in the meantime.

Roger that!

Malacal
08-28-2015, 09:17 PM
Okay, so I had an itty-bitty chat with our glorious Moderator, Luna the Mighty, and since the polls aren't public, I need everyone here to say in the comments who they voted for, and we'll tally those up.
So the results thus far:

Mal:
Urako

Gen:
Nobody

roBEAT
08-29-2015, 07:38 AM
I voted for Malacal

Malacal
08-29-2015, 10:08 AM
Alrighty then now...
Mal: Urako, roBEAT
Gen: :/

TheChosenGamer
08-31-2015, 04:24 AM
I voted Gen :3

Malacal
09-02-2015, 04:14 PM
Mal: Urako, roBEAT
Gen: Verde

Vern
09-02-2015, 05:22 PM
Alright, since I promised CnC to Mal, here goes.

Now this aint gonna be much of a fatty, since most of my CnC's are either simple advice on the understanding of writing, or things in regard with flow/storyline. I believe that after a certain point you're mostly left to improve by yourself by rereading your works thoroughly time and time again, constantly considering whether what you've written can be put in a nicer way, or even has to be there at all! Now I know you probably do this too, but I'm gonna stress the importance of it though.

So onto business. First off you're aware that I think Gen's char to be a bit of a toolbox and it's always a bit harder to CnC those since they clutter things logical-wise. I'll still give it a shot though, but it won't be perfect.

Right off the bat I notice your peculiar setting. It's logical that they (the worshipers and Omega) would want a remote place, but I'm left wondering why they'd choose the desert, especially considering that an all-black metal building not only stands out like hell, but also gets super heated during the day. Now this might be a bit nitpicking but I just want you to think about it. I can imagine the heat being a bit of an issue during the day, and it must be hard on the followers themselves too. It'd make more sense for it to be hidden somewhere in the mountainside or the forests such as to remain as concealed as possible, and it feels as if you just chose the desert to state that it comforted Draco (though I'm sure you had your own reasons).

Aside from that, the temple itself (while not a really major part of the story) is a bit hard to visualize. You say it's made of black metal, and that it has alien decorations on it, but what about size and shape? Is it a rather human-ish construct, or is the design quite alien to this world?


The instant he said these words

Gonna be a bit more picky here. Words like "instant" and "instantaneously" are quite abrupt and tend to ruin your flow if not used properly. Your use seems at place though, as it's supposed to feel very instantaneous, but I feel as if it's a bit under-emphasized that way. Personally I'd either change the sentence to preserve flow, or overemphasize on how sudden it was, easily done by adding "very" ("The very instant he said these words Omega trod outside" or something).


Their entire bodies were left to the imagination. Their faces were also hardly visible with them facing downwards with hoods up.
(Just gonna take this specific sentence as an example because I don't wanna have to bring it up every time, since that makes me liable to make a mistake).

When you encounter things like these you wanna look for possibilities to shorten the sentence, which in turn makes it a whole bunch fancier. They're basically two sentences saying the same thing differently, so you're gonna wanna try to turn it into a big one (unless you're intentionally trying to implement some repetition in your writing). Rather, make the sentence something like "Their entire bodies were left to imagination, with their heads, indistinguishable beneath the hoods, turned down." What kills your sentence (in my opinion) is the use of 'also'. Usually the use of that word signifies that the two separate sentences can be merged into a single, better one, because you mostly only ever use it to connect two similar sentences. It's an easy and cheap word, but a flow wrecker, and preferably avoided as much as possible if not used at the beginning of a sentence. So just keep that in mind and scan your text to see if there's others like these out there (cause I'm not gonna do it for you! ^^).

There's a few other opportunities to merge almost immediately after, but what's apparent is that in your fourth paragraph, there's an excessive amount of sentences that start with "The". Using the same word as an opener too often can also kill your flow, and it gets a bit boring after a while. I encountered the same thing too while revising my latest battle and I can tell you all it takes is just a little bit of time to sit down and ponder on how you can rewrite the sentence, yet still keep its essence intact.

I know Dracustos isn't your character, so I won't give you too much crap, but I'm still gonna mention it. The way he expresses himself feels incredibly plain and inarticulate, as if there's really nothing else to him. You don't signify the possible intonation, which make his already flat oneliners feel extremely detached, and make the character as a whole appear a bit stiff and (once again, sorry!) inarticulate. He just feels so... empty. I suppose his way of expressing himself is rather stoc, but this doesn't translate itself into your writing that well. This all doesn't really get us hooked on Draco or makes us feel for/with him, which makes the fight as a whole a bit less climatic than it could've been. Whatever you say, it's your job as writer to make the characters you portray as interesting as possible, even if this means slightly deviating from their original description.


Before being able to ask what the hell was going on

Gonna point this one out as an example too. Once again a sentence that feels a bit awkward and where poor choice of words ruined your flow. It seems as if this specific sentence could've either been a banana, or a carrot, but you accidentally threw 'em together in a blender to make a Bananot milkshake (Yes, a milkshake out of a blender, not a smoothy. Why? Because it can.)
I don't know how that tastes, but you get the gist. It's simply because of the wrong usage of "ask". It could've either been "Before (even) being able to wonder what the hell's going on" or "Before he could even ask what the hell was going on". All three of these are incredibly similar, but it's the choice of words that sets them apart. (Personally I'd rather keep things like "What the hell" for character expression than description, but whatever goats your float).

Speaking of which, the entire 8th paragraph describing Omega's ritual "rise" feels a bit anticlimactic. It's supposed to be a moment in which this otherwise inconspicuous figure suddenly dooms out above his 'petty' followers in a rather alien and unknown ritual manner. The reason I think it feels anticlimatic is simply because it's not elaborated and stressed out enough. It's like "Humans began chanting, two carried a halo to Omega, then he stood on his tentacles and now he's as tall as Draco". Rather, elaborate on what is going on, and don't be afraid to stretch it out a bit, it helps build the moment.

Make it something like "After Dracustos made his statement, the robed individuals slowly began pulling staffs out from under their cloaks. They began slamming them on the ground, again and again in seemingly perfect harmony, all while constantly chanting something alien, something that did not belong on this world. The banging and humming kept on and on, growing ever more ominous, until it filled the entire area and (description description description). Before he could even ask what the hell was actually going on, the halfling saw two men descend from the darkness, wielding a foreign in such a revering and humble matter that one would almost believe they held an actual holy object. It turned out to be the halo-like object he had seen depicted on the holy symbols earlier. The two men, seemingly in trance, knelt in an elaborate and ridiculous manner before holding out the halo behind their master. Then they let loose, and as if recognizing its deity, the halo floated behind the alien, just as had been depicted. And yet all the while the constant humming, the constant banging, the constant trance kept on undisturbed."

Now this might not be the perfect example, but I do hope it gives you a bit of an idea. I'm currently not in the mood to provide you with a proper rewriting, both because I'm too lazy, and because that's something you should do yourself.

Now on to page 2

First off, I do like the nonchalance with which Omega initiates the fight. It displays his character well and you did a good job there. You immediately spoil the moment by making Dracustos' reaction so inarticulate though, and that's sad.


Is that all you've got?

That's all he says, no chuckle, no arrogant grin, no condescending tone or followup, no look of disappointment or curiosity or otherwise boredom. Just "Is that all you've got?". And that immediately after a scene where I can just imagine Omega be like "Oh you question my divinity?" Then backhand them with the halo while looking out in the air as if he doesn't even give a fuck. It just stings, man. It's like you're making your character, whom is a giant, hulking space-asshole, fight some kids-cartoon stereotypical goodie two shoes.

Speaking of his reactions. What would you do if someone suddenly erected a stone wall in front of you? Fly over it, scale it, crash through it, walk around it? No, I'd just punch a hole in it like Dracustos, because that's totally gonna help my situation. I get that you're trying to have Omega outsmart Dracustos but then at least say that Dracustos is "not having any of that and rams himself into the wall and begans brutally breaking it down" or some shit. I mean it's just as if he's standing there, and punching a hole in it, because he can. And don't tell me the wall's really small because then why the fuck wouldn't he just take a sidestep around it? Same thing for what follows, I can imagine that if Omega jumps up with his tank of a body, it'd be bound to make some noise. And while you could argue that Dracustos is too busy tearing down the wall to notice the sound, wouldn't he at least notice something?

I suppose it matters little though, since he just shrugs it off like it's nothing, so K

Next paragraph has some un-flow in it and once again feels as if better phrasing and wording could've made the situation a bit more explicit. He's watching this half-dragon writhe in the dust and is deriving some sadistical sense of joy from it.

Also the whole gest of Dracustos not having a single fucking clue of what he's up against despite having been able to localize his "hidden" temple in the desert is a bit hard to swallow as a whole. Honestly you're not really giving Dracustos your best shot here.

There's some oddities with a sudden change of perspective when Omega starts charging at Dracustos. Either have something signify a change of perspective, or at least make a new paragraph, but now it feels as if the perspective suddenly changes halfway through the paragraph which is really odd.


Omega should be dead. Dracustos knew well that a fall into any regional canyon is more than enough to kill someone. Still, its better to be safe than sorry.

At this moment I'd feel as if Dracustos knows full and well that fall's not just gonna kill him, instead of having him simply check "to be sure he's not dead", have him check to be sure he's survived as you anticipated. Once again feels as if you're underemphasizing the matchup. At this point I think most any fighter would be sure that that fall, while enough for something ordinary, is never gonna be enough for Omega, and just immediately dive in to continue the fight instead of being like "Oh he's probably dead after that fall, but let's check to be sure. Better safe than sorry!" Him proposing a surrender is also a bit silly, though I suppose not at all impossible.

You already said that you might've overlooked the fact that there was no need for the forceshield in the first place, and that's completely correct. I mean it's cool that Omega's teaching them magic and all and I understand that that's just what you're trying to show, but perhaps think of a more clever way next time? ;) Just sayin, trapping yourself in a cage with someone who breathes fire aint exactly the smartest idea. (On a sidenote, we don't even have the slightest clue what this chasm or forcefield is like anyways, perhaps be a bit more descriptive about such things. Doesn't need to be anything major, just something to give us an idea.)

Now comes the culmination point where your neglect of properly expressing Dracustos ruins what could've potentially been a very climatic moment.


Is your race the only one that deserves to survive?

You make a great deal out of that specific sentence, but it in NO way feels impactful when reading it. It's just like "draco said some baloney, then drew his swords. Omega dove to dodge those sword" while in truth he is truly taken aback by this statement all of the sudden, yet it in no way feels like that. There's no descriptive measures on how Draco even expresses it to begin with, nor how Omega reacts to it physically and mentally, and that as a whole causes for an extremely underwhelming situation which could've otherwise been overwhelming. You yourself even pointed out something similar in my texts, concerning a part that felt too forced to fit the title.


The monster before Omega had enough rationality left to think that another swing of the sword might not be good idea.

Sloppy language ruins your flow which in return ruins the pace of the conclusion, do I even need to elaborate?


Is your race the only one that deserves to survive? the words sounded like a gong in his head.

Now this, I like this. It feels at place given the current situation, and suddenly fleshes out the situation a lot more. You wrapped it up nicely but I felt as if the apotheosis was too unnecessarily underwhelming.

So in short, you not having properly articulated Dracustos and Omega's interactions has caused the story as a whole to take a dip in quality. But that's the issues I've found with it. Aside of that, I did enjoy reading your story, you know I love seeing Omega in action and I did like the storyboard and execution of the story.

All in all, a job well done Mal! Something you can be proud of, compared to your battle with Mancer (which was the first I read, boy where were the times?) this is leaps ahead. Keep it up Mal, I'm glad, really am :D

Now I'm not gonna leave Gen out either, that'd just be rude.

I'm sorry huney, it's past midnight and I have school to go to now. Still, I will not be letting you out. I'm simply not gonna be able to give you anything meaningful at this hour.

I'll be editing your CnC in here, and I'll be sure to give you a headsup when I've done so ^^

All in all, Gen's still has room for improvement, and Mal's has a better quality overall, as well as me not really enjoying first-person perspective for storytelling. My vote goes to Malacal for this one ^^.

Malacal
09-02-2015, 06:04 PM
Mal: Urako, roBEAT, Vern the Fern.
Gen: TheChosenGamer