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roBEAT
08-29-2015, 08:15 AM
He's already banned forever. He won't be coming back.

Since this happened, I win by forfeit, I guess. That's quite unfortunate, because Shadowolf finished his part and I wanted a real battle, but on the other hand he deserves the ban.

Anyway, here's my battle:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/o299moszo4ihddd/The%20Moloch%20and%20the%20Wolf.docx?dl=0

If the link does not work:
The Moloch and the Wolf

Maxar took a deep breath, as he ran along the road. He enjoyed leaving the city. Being at a place full of noise and fetidness had soon become unbearable for his wolfish senses. He wondered how the humans could stand it. Of course he left his metal shop alone, but it had to be fine. Barely anyone visited it anyway. Instead of just sitting around, Maxar, being hired as a mercenary, now had a mission. Due to the fresh air and finally having something to do, he actually felt quite relieved.

The mission’s objective was to investigate a massacre, which took place in an old monastery. Six people, mostly tourists, died and one man remained dangerously injured from being thrown into a wall. The shocked survivors described the attacker as a pale giant with red eyes and metal gloves. From what Shado heard, it had just been a normal guided tour through the monastery, when suddenly the attacker shattered a wall besides the group and attacked them. A brother had shown Maxar the corridor, the killing happened. The victim’s dead bodies had been still laying around. Most of them looked like something blunt hit them, but one man had a hole burned through his stomach. “What am I facing here? A giant pyromancer?”

Maxar had also found two interesting things at the monastery. One of the dead tourists had been holding a camera and the last photo showed the attacker. He was not as big, as the survivors described, but he was taller, than every human, Maxar had ever seen. Due to the dust of the shattered wall, the photo didn’t give detailed information, but one thing was definitely remarkable. Behind the dust, there were two red lights, shining through. And they had the form of eyes, angry eyes. They looked quite scary. “This creature might be pretty dangerous. I will have to hunt it down but I need to be careful.”

The other thing he found, had actually been behind the wall. Between the other stones there had been a broken stone with runes carved into it. Unfortunately the runes seemed to not be Celtic, but Nordic, which is why Maxar hadn’t been able to read them. He had found, though, that they might be important, so he called Adam, his RHG agent. He had to find out, what these runes meant.

Right now Maxar was following the tracks of the attacker through a field. His target did not seem to bother about covering his tracks. “Am I chasing a Bigfoot,” thought Maxar as he ran on the tracks, which looked like unusually large, bare human feet. His mobile rang. Maxar didn’t want to have one at first, but he recognized, how useful it can be. It was Adam. “Hello again, Adam. Hoo’s it gaun?” Adam ignored the question. “I had an expert figuring the runes out. The runes on the photo you send me are indeed Nordic.” That was, what Maxar liked about Adam. He appeared to be kind of unfriendly sometimes, but he never meant to, while he was an overall calm reliable person. “We’re pretty similar.” Maybe that was why they were getting along so well.

“The first one means withstand. The second one says, catch or detain and the third one says prohibit. I have no idea, what it should prohibit, though. Do you know it?” Maxar had no idea. “Naw, ma frein, keep going.” “Okay. The last few runes mean something like disable growth. Maybe the point of these is to prevent the captive from getting stronger.” “Seems plausible,” Maxar responded. “Not really helping me. It might just mean, that I have to be fast." “Thank ye a lot.” “No problem,” Adam hummed,” just save the people. Good luck with the hunt.” “Guidbye,” Maxar ended the call. Adam was right. It was not the time for Smalltalk, which Maxar didn’t like anyway. His target was getting stronger over time. It killed people. And, making it even worse its path lead to a small town.


Free. Rage was finally free. He had been in the cave for over a thousand years, unbelievable. The sudden freedom was also hard to realize. All these possibilities. Rage felt on top of the world. Never had he felt that good, not even while torturing Leif. It was a warm evening, typical for the early summer. Rage’s elation was hard to control. He almost had to remind himself, that a destiny lies before him, but he would never forget that. Beneath the temporary joy he still felt the pounding of the anger, rooted deep in himself. And after Rage broke free, this anger also wanted to be unleashed, unleashed onto humans.

“Let’s celebrate this, shall we?” Rage smirked. Now he only had to find some victims. It wouldn’t take long, because he just entered a town. The streets were surprisingly empty. He just passed a young couple walking in front of him, laughing and holding hands. They didn’t laugh much longer. But apart from them, no one was there and no one took notice of him. “Where are the people,” asked Rage to himself, before he suddenly heard chatting and laughing from his right. He went through a gap between two houses, just to find himself facing a huge backyard, about 20 meters wide and 30 meters long. It was full of humans standing at tables, talking and drinking the beer, they bought at the little bar in the backyard’s right side. At the End of the backyard, behind several rows of benches, there was a little stage. A colourful poster hung at its background. It said “Town Fair”. Rage felt a big smile spreading over his face. “Today is really my lucky day.” About two hundred pairs of surprised eyes turned towards Rage, as he closed the gate. There was no other way out. Many jaw’s dropped, as the people mustered Rage and saw the huge body and the martial gauntlets with the coagulated blood on them. The mad sadistic smile and the eyes, glowing in the colour of fresh blood made the nearest ones already take a step back. “Who or what are you,” asked one man, giving Rage a disturbed look. Rage baled his armoured fists “I am the special guest.”

Maxar hurried. It was harder to keep the track inside a town, but his wolfish smelling sense wasn’t easily tricked. “Come on,” he thought “I need to be faster.” He ran around a corner and saw the first victims. A young couple, as it seemed. The guy looked like he was just peacefully laying at the ground, watching the sky, until Maxar realized, the body would lay face-down, if it weren’t for the neck being brutally twisted around. Maxar glanced at the blood splattered asphalt. The blood came from the girl’s pounded head and it was relatively fresh. It gave him chills. Time to stop this murderer. He checked his surroundings, while running, sensing lots of people nearby. They seemed to be in fear. And between them there was a strong unknown being. Maxar’s head buzzed from its strength and aggression. “What am I dealing with, here?” His sixth sense recognized fewer people around his target. The reason was obvious. “Ow, shite,” it just broke out of him. He had to be faster. He had to stop it. A huge wooden Gate cut his way, leading through the wide gap between two houses. “Do I open it or just climb over it,” Maxar asked himself, when it suddenly opened and panicking people ran towards him. He had to press himself against a wall, so they didn’t overrun him. He fought his way forward until he passed the gate.

Once it was a town fair, but now it turned into a bloodbath and the pale mad brute loomed in the middle of it. In his fists, covered by thick gauntlets he held a little girl. Her loud scream barely drowned the snatch as she got ripped in two. Carelessly the giant threw the bloody halves behind his back, to pick up her crying brother.

“Stop right there,” Maxar yelled. The murderer's head turned towards him. A surprised grunt was the only answer. Shado materialized his buckler with the two guns beneath it. The barrels aimed onto his opponent “Stop it or I’ll make you.” The killer looked amused. He began to gently pet the boy’s neck. Then he spoke with a deep gravelly voice: “And who are you to talk to me like this, little dog?” Dog? No one called Shado a dog. “They call me Shadowolf. I am probably the deadliest RHG combatant right now.” He didn’t like talking to this evil creature and he certainly didn’t like to brag, but daunting his opponent was worth a try. In the best case it might even save the boy, his age being about seven years, who was struggling to come free, but of course he had no chance. “And what does RHG stand for? Rightfully hopeless garbage?” taunted the giant, not impressed at all. “No,” answered Maxar. He had to stay calm. “It means “Rock Hard Gladiators”. It’s kind of a fighter’s league for people or beings with superior fighting skill or special abilities. Now let this boy go or I will shoot you.” A swift thought and his guns were filled up with bullets. He was ready to fight.

“Will you,” asked his opponent, as he suddenly threw the boy towards Maxar. The body of the braying boy hurled through the air. Could he catch him? No. The boy was not the only thing speeding into his direction. The opponent followed him, charging towards Shado, pounding the ground with his weight.

Letting the boy fall to the ground, Shado took a step to the left to not hit the falling boy, and fired a burst out of his machine gun, which hit the right side of the giant, who got slower, but did not stop. Did he even care for the bullets? Maxar didn’t know, as he dodged the charge. He focussed on the opponent’s metallic gauntlets, but he couldn’t control them. They were made of steel, refusing to be melted, because it was protectively enchanted. Too bad, and making it even worse, Shado wasted an opportunity to shoot the giant, who just turned around and started to close the distance between them.

Maxar materialized a spear made of tungsten in his right hand. He passed on including the dangerous plutonium, because there were too many people around.At least the spear granted him a range advantage in the inevitable close combat. He lifted his buckler, blocking his opponent’s first swinging blow. It hit hard enough, to leave Shado’s arm shaking.


The sharp spearhead rushed towards Rage’s stomach, but his left steel-covered forearm was there in time to swipe it out of its path. Rage stepped forward. The cheeky wolf dived under his next right-handed swinging blow, just to get back up again. This time the spear stabbed into Rage’s chest. However, this did not save his opponent from his left handed uppercut, which, barely blocked by the buckler threw him backwards. The spear left Rage’s flesh leaving a nasty burning pang. It aroused a wave of anger in Rage. “I am the one bathing in their blood. I am the one dealing pain here.”

Rage dashed towards his opponent, but again Shadowolf was not there. A blink later he felt the spear digging into his left side. “Not again.” By turning around he snatched the sticking spear from the hands of the surprised wolf. “What now, fur ball,” shouted Rage, when the fresh wound suddenly felt like it was in flames, overwhelming Rage with pain. “Aarhh!” He looked down. The spear was melting inside Rage, but it was not the spear, he had to worry about. It was not the spear, which had to die.

Shadowolf pointed the gun towards Rage, who attacked again. Rage’s opponent avoided the straight punch, by jumping back, but at least he did not get an opportunity to fire. The wolf tried to widen the gap between them. He would have been too fast, but Rage had a trick. He pumped his anger into his leg and stomped on the ground, hard enough to cause it to shake. Shadowolf almost tripped. Rage found the waving tail exceptionally funny. “Dance for me, little dog!” His opponent tried to shoot once more, but Rage pushed the small buckler away from him, eventually grabbing the wolf’s left arm. Another slim spear surprisingly appeared in his right hand, though. “How many of those does he have,” thought Rage. The stab came quick, but as expected. It hit him in the stomach, but Rage didn’t care. He only wanted one thing, the opponent’s furry spear-arm, which he now also held in his fist. “Got you,” shouted Rage, while Shadowolf’s dangerous fangs snapped shut too far away to hurt Rage. “Now I can do whatever I want.” The moloch began charging forward, barging his opponent into the massive wall about three meters behind him. Shadowolf crashed into the wall, before Rage crashed into him with his full deadly weight, bruising his opponent, while pressing his arms against the wall. Something scrunched and Rage let out a celebrating roar. “Time for payback.” Rage’s knee brutally kissed the wolf’s stomach.

“How heavy am I injured,” Shado wondered. Fortunately he managed to coat at least his head in steal, before he hit the wall, but the heavy body hit his chest like a train, breaking multiple ribs. However, the scrunch came from the guns under his buckler. They had to be repaired or swapped, but Shado had greater worries anyway. Like his opponent’s knee. It dug deep into Shado’s stomach. After that he instantly coated his belly and crotch, but the kick still left him vomiting. The foul puke mostly hit the giant, but Shado did not expect that to have any effect. The old rags were sprinkled with blood anyway and it has also been a wonder, that the brute’s sour stench did not kill Maxar’s nose yet. The next nasty kick hit Maxar. He was protected, but it still hurt him. “What if he tries something else?” He had to get out of this quickly.

Shado was locked down onto this wall. The only weapon he could use were his metal powers. A whole lot of little sharp pointed iron spikes materialized, behind the giant, who, once again, kicked Maxar into the stomach, angrily roaring, as if he wonders, why the attack didn’t work. “Now, before he attacks again.” Hundreds of spikes bolted into the murderers flesh. The pressure on his left arm decreased and that was all Shado needed. Pulling his left hand free, he instantly dematerialized his buckler, replacing it with tungsten claws instead. They left four red lines on the giant’s left forearm. Now his other arm was free. He felt the familiar steel growing around the unprotected parts of his body. His fangs and claws were tungsten. He was a metal wolf now, a beast. The wolfish instincts told him to attack, and he did. Before his opponent could react, Shado was next to the giant. The tungsten of his claws sliced in a pattern, Shado tried to fully understand, as he danced around an elbow strike. Two more slashes. He was faster. He was the wolf, the hunter. His feet left the ground, his fangs speeding towards the opponent’s neck, ready to deliver death. Something was on the border of his view, but the neck was in front of him. The neck....

Maxar suddenly sat on the ground. His back leaned against the wall. The giant’s thick arm that hit Maxar turned towards him. Shadowolf’s ribs hurt as he stood up. The armoured palm, pointing at Maxar started glowing. “This can’t be good.” The highlander threw himself sideways to the right. It was the right decision. A red ball shot out of the palm, leaving the wall, where Maxar just stood burned black. “That was close.” Aggressively glowing red filled almost the whole eyes of the creature that Shado faced now. Its head was way above his own. “Time to try something else. It taks a lang spoon tae sup wi' the de'il. (meaning: keep your distance when dealing with evil things)” The highlander lightened his armour, as he stepped away from his opponent. “Stay calm, Maxar. Close combat doesn’t work. Just use your powers from distance,” Maxar calmed the wolf inside.


The wolf tried to retreat again, but Rage followed until suddenly a multi-ended chain sped out of Shadowolf’s hands. Rage grabbed it off the air. While some of the multiple ends hit him, he did not get wrapped in by them. Then he swung the heavy chain around and tossed it back towards his opponent. “Get hit by your own, weapon, dog.” It did not even reach him. The chain melted halfway across the distance and hot fluid metal splashed back onto Rage’s body. “Guaaarh!” His fist raised, Rage charged towards Shadowolf, just to be stopped by another chain, wrapping itself around Rage’s hips. “So, this little bastard has some kind of metal power,” Rage realized, while his fists tore the chains apart. He took a glance at his gauntlets, which remained unaffected. “You want metal? I will give you metal.”

While he had been busy with the chain, his opponent regained his buckler. “Oh, no. You won’t be able to shoot me.” Rage chased his opponent, but he was slower than the swift wolf, who just ran away towards the stage, jumping over benches, leaving Rage behind. Frustrated with his opponent getting away, he grabbed one of the tilted over standing tables. The white plastic was heavier, than Rage thought. Good. The table made a good projectile as he threw it at Shadowolf, who just turned around to possibly fire his guns. A surprised look on the wolfish face and then the table’s leg hit him on the chest. Through the impact he staggered back, eventually falling over the bench behind him.

Rage loudly roared, as he ran. He completely gave in to the anger and saw the world around him through a blood-red veil. This was his moment. He just knocked the benches out of his path. He would knock everything out of his path, especially this wolfish bastard, who just got up. It didn’t matter. Rage had him in the range of his fists now and that was all he needed, all he ever wanted. Shadowolf dodged his first strike with the elegance of a dancer, but it was close and Rage knew, he had the upper hand. “Whamm!” Rage’s victim blocked the second strike with his buckler, but the raw strength sent him to his knee. “Die now,” bawled Rage. The anger floated his left arm as he attacked. The punch came low and slammed onto Shadowolf’s steel-covered chest, leaving his body flying, until he landed about three meters away from Rage in a pile of benches. Rage did not hesitate to follow, leaping right onto his smashed opponent. It was just right. His fists bolted down, ready and willing to end the wolf’s life forever....

...but Shadowolf managed to roll his body out of Rage’s path in time. The moloch crashed down, hitting the ground and breaking benches beneath him. An angry roar left his mouth as he turned his head. “Just die, you bastard. It’s just a matter of time, when you face the king of war.” Rage could barely even control his voice. He knew, he would end Shadowolf, though. He prepared himself to leap again. The wolf couldn’t stand upright anymore. He stood there bent over and his legs shaking. Rage baled his fists....

....as he suddenly couldn’t see anymore. His face and eyes were burning, or so it felt. “Raaaah!” Rage started attacking at random. “Where are you?” None of the strikes hit his opponent, but as Rage shook his head while attacking he could suddenly see a bit again. However he did not see the chain coming, before it wrapped itself around his chest.

Shadowolf let the hot Iron on the giant’s face harden and shot another chain, constraining his opponent’s legs. One completely red sadistic eye focussed Shado, as he attached the chains to the ground. They could barely hold the angry giant, but Shado made two more chains, hitting the giant from behind this time. One wrapped itself around the middle of his body, the other one around his left arm. The right hand, however was pointed in Maxar’s direction, and it was glowing in the colour of blood.

Shado jumped back, but it was not even necessary. The giant seemed to be too angry to aim, as the deadly red ball missed Shado by a meter. Maxar took a look at the Giant, his upper left face coated in Iron, who went rampant on the chains and actually ripped the one enchaining his left arm off the ground. He was screaming in anger. Maxar’s body was battered from all the attacks and the pain almost overwhelmed him. The Killer had put up a good fight, but everyone had a time to go. Maxar loaded his machine gun. His golden bullets would be an appropriate death.

This wasn’t over. Rage would kill this hairy little bastard. He always kills his victims. Fighting against the chains was no use. “I have to...” The wolf looked at him satisfied. It made him even angrier. Rage quaked out of anger. Pure Rage burned within him, pure power. The hot metal on his face had been nothing compared to this heat. It circulated through his veins and blazed a trail towards his eyes. Rage screamed of pain and joy. His eyes focussed on his target and in a state of ecstasy they unleashed the Rage.


After a few seconds Rage was able to see again. Before him laid his opponent, or what was left of him. Below the chest the body still existed, but the upper part was just a pile of burned flesh and molten metal, blistering from the heat of Rage’s beams. He had killed his opponent. He won.

The red veil slowly left his vision. Gladly Rage noticed, he was able to see with both eyes again. His left eye had been melted free by the beam. “Excellent. So, what do I do now?” Rage knew, there would be more fighters like Shadowolf trying to kill him. They would start coming in groups and eventually hunt him down. “Unless, I challenge them one by one. Hmm. Becoming one of these gladiators might actually be a good Idea. If I bring an evidence, I killed Shadowolf, they just have to accept me...I could take his tail.” Rage found, that this RHG might just be the safest place to go and he just needed some time. He knew, what the runes meant. Rage would get stronger. Someday, he would be strong enough, to take his revenge and fulfil his destiny. It was to kill every human, until there is no one left.

“I just have to get rid of these chains”

Because this is my first battle, I am basicly starving for CnC, so yeah, give it to me. ;)

EDIT: These are the Characters:
Rage: http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?96403-Rage-The-Great-Equalizer
Shadowolf: Oh ok the thread is deleted. He is basicly a Lycanic, with great strength and the power to create and manipulate dense metal (at least as dense as iron.) He usually uses a small buckler with a machine and a sniper gun under it and a spear in the other hand. Sometimes he also coats himself in steal and attacks with his claws and fangs coated in tungsten. He also speaks Scottisch/with a Scottish accent.

roBEAT
08-31-2015, 03:14 PM
Can you guys please give me some feedback...Unlike Shadowolf I'm not here for the points.

Urako
08-31-2015, 09:29 PM
Sorry, but i'm pretty busy right now.

Hewitt
08-31-2015, 09:43 PM
Sorry, but i'm pretty busy right now.

So why bother posting -_-

roBEAT, I'd be glad to say something. But you have to post your story here. I can't access Dropbox at all.

roBEAT
09-01-2015, 09:41 AM
Alright, edited it, so you can read it here.^^

Hewitt
09-02-2015, 03:14 AM
Note that I'm too lazy to read wrhg bios so I'm going in this not knowing a single thing about the wRHG.

In general, you have ALOT of commas. Some of them are absolutely unnecessary (http://www.chompchomp.com/terms/commasplice.htm) while some of them are just out of place. I suggest you read some novels and short stories to get a feel for how sentences work. Everytime, you place, a comma somewhere, a pause, is being read, aloud. So that's very distracting to the pace sometimes. It feels like you lack the confidence to write long sentences or are afraid of starting new ones.

Also all your dialogue automatically sucks right now because they're bunched together in confusing paragraphs. Fix that pls.

The rest is just plot stuff.


Maxar took a deep breath, as he ran along the road. He enjoyed leaving the city. Being at a place full of noise and fetidness had soon become unbearable for his wolfish senses. He wondered how the humans could stand it. Of course he left his metal shop alone, but it had to be fine. Barely anyone visited it anyway. Instead of just sitting around, Maxar, being hired as a mercenary, now had a mission. Due to the fresh air and finally having something to do, he actually felt quite relieved.

Is Maxar a purist enough that he can't stand taking a filthy human cab to the outskirts of town? I mean running on the road all the way to the Monastery just seems inefficient seeing as it is a time-based mission as people had just died (more on that later). And don't tell me he's running like a superhuman wolf hybrid because it still wouldn't be enough of a distance unless Maxar really enjoys the exercise.

Also, why would he leave the store open if he knew that no one really goes there anyway. Can't he just you know, close it? Then he wouldn't have to worry about his fake job.


The mission’s objective was to investigate a massacre, which took place in an old monastery. Six people, mostly tourists, died and one man remained dangerously injured from being thrown into a wall. The shocked survivors described the attacker as a pale giant with red eyes and metal gloves. From what Shado heard, it had just been a normal guided tour through the monastery, when suddenly the attacker shattered a wall besides the group and attacked them. A brother had shown Maxar the corridor, the killing happened. The victim’s dead bodies had been still laying around. Most of them looked like something blunt hit them, but one man had a hole burned through his stomach. “What am I facing here? A giant pyromancer?”

This boils down to one question: What is the timeline here.

This isn't some secluded Monastery in the hills. This is a tourist destination that's frankly well-known because it has tourists for being such a religous locale. Ergo, a massacre like this would have precipitated into the calling of the cops...who do not seem to be present in this scenario. So did Maxar's Mission Control get wind of a massacre way before a call to the cops through another means? Do the monks have Maxar's Agency on speed-dial or something? Because I highly doubt a 'brother' would show Maxar around that easily without seeing some form of investigative identification.

If Maxar came to the Monastery after the cops, then why isn't there even any yellow tape or the monks disallowing him entry since they already came; Maxar simply arrived (by just running on a road from the city, mind you) and the Monks just happened to let him inside a closed attraction. If Maxar came during the massacre, then where are the Survivors and how did Mission Control even get the enemy description from them in the first place? You might think I'm nitpicking about the time and setting, but I'm showing you that the details you choose to present matter, and if they don't connect then nothing makes sense and your story falls apart easily.

"suddenly the attacker shattered a wall besides the group"
Please tell me that's just a slip of the finger. Otherwise, it appears that the attacker has a thing for walls. Then he went after the group just because he felt like they were embarrassing his love for walls.

I also question how Maxar came to the conclusion that the attacker is a pyromaniac if his only evidence is seeing the burnt chest of one man amongst six. A better evidence would be that the entire establishment was charred and stuff was burning everywhere and the dead were blackened skeletons, singed slightly to ash and the smell of burnt flesh was permeating in the air. But a single controlled attack on one guy? Not really.


Maxar had also found two interesting things at the monastery. One of the dead tourists had been holding a camera and the last photo showed the attacker. He was not as big, as the survivors described, but he was taller, than every human, Maxar had ever seen. Due to the dust of the shattered wall, the photo didn’t give detailed information, but one thing was definitely remarkable. Behind the dust, there were two red lights, shining through. And they had the form of eyes, angry eyes. They looked quite scary. “This creature might be pretty dangerous. I will have to hunt it down but I need to be careful.”

You just said that the dust obscured this attacker's features to the point that it didn't help, but behind the dust the eyes were a dead giveaway? I don't understand.

Also why does the camera have only 1 picture? Surely, there would have been photos from when the tour started up until a traumatic moment. Even if the victim was scared shitless, the snaps taken could've hinted at something more. Nope, it's just the 1 picture/photograph (really vague if the camera is digital or polaroid) and we just assume that Maxar went ahead without reviewing it further.


The other thing he found, had actually been behind the wall. Between the other stones there had been a broken stone with runes carved into it. Unfortunately the runes seemed to not be Celtic, but Nordic, which is why Maxar hadn’t been able to read them. He had found, though, that they might be important, so he called Adam, his RHG agent. He had to find out, what these runes meant.

If the runes were unreadable to Maxar, how did he even know it was Nordic?


Right now Maxar was following the tracks of the attacker through a field. His target did not seem to bother about covering his tracks. “Am I chasing a Bigfoot,” thought Maxar as he ran on the tracks, which looked like unusually large, bare human feet. His mobile rang. Maxar didn’t want to have one at first, but he recognized, how useful it can be. It was Adam. “Hello again, Adam. Hoo’s it gaun?” Adam ignored the question. “I had an expert figuring the runes out. The runes on the photo you send me are indeed Nordic.” That was, what Maxar liked about Adam. He appeared to be kind of unfriendly sometimes, but he never meant to, while he was an overall calm reliable person. “We’re pretty similar.” Maybe that was why they were getting along so well.

PROTIP: Accents need not be transliterated as they sound, because they are either offensive or unnecessary to the plot. Unless they are (which they aren't in this case).

PROTIP: Dialogue is best displayed line by line. Bunching them together in a paragraph to make it appear as if the paragraph has meat is stupid and confusing.

Why did Maxar say out loud that he's pretty similar to Adam when he was just thinking about it in his head? There was no need to say that in the moment other than to inform us of what's already apparent.


“The first one means withstand. The second one says, catch or detain and the third one says prohibit. I have no idea, what it should prohibit, though. Do you know it?” Maxar had no idea. “Naw, ma frein, keep going.” “Okay. The last few runes mean something like disable growth. Maybe the point of these is to prevent the captive from getting stronger.” “Seems plausible,” Maxar responded. “Not really helping me. It might just mean, that I have to be fast." “Thank ye a lot.” “No problem,” Adam hummed,” just save the people. Good luck with the hunt.” “Guidbye,” Maxar ended the call. Adam was right. It was not the time for Smalltalk, which Maxar didn’t like anyway. His target was getting stronger over time. It killed people. And, making it even worse its path lead to a small town.

"Just save the people"? So...this is before the cops came after all. Where are the cops? Where is the press? How can a tourist spot; a sanctioned institution of the government, not have anyone else be notified of the situation?

Or did he mean it in a "if this thing gets loose, more will die" kind of Just Save the People. It's confusing. It's even more annoying that Maxar's own mission control doesn't know these details already. At the beginning we are just told that the Monastery Attraction is being attacked and people are dead and in danger. Then, nothing. We aren't told where this thing is or the circumstances of this attack. What happens if this thing gets loose? For all we know, this Monastery could be on a cliff over an ocean guarding a pirate's cove and if Maxar doesn't stop the creature well, it might just grab all that sweet gold.

In other words, we are only presented with what is necessary for the sake of presentation, but without substance the story just falls flat and we are just left thinking "Oh okay, location A and location B."


Free. Rage was finally free. He had been in the cave for over a thousand years, unbelievable. The sudden freedom was also hard to realize. All these possibilities. Rage felt on top of the world. Never had he felt that good, not even while torturing Leif. It was a warm evening, typical for the early summer. Rage’s elation was hard to control. He almost had to remind himself, that a destiny lies before him, but he would never forget that. Beneath the temporary joy he still felt the pounding of the anger, rooted deep in himself. And after Rage broke free, this anger also wanted to be unleashed, unleashed onto humans.

Please separate POVs with a line. This sudden transition was very confusing.

Felt good...warm...elation...joy....

We get it already. He's happy. This entire hyperbolic paragraph could have just as easily been shortened to a sentence or two.


“Let’s celebrate this, shall we?” Rage smirked. Now he only had to find some victims. It wouldn’t take long, because he just entered a town. The streets were surprisingly empty. He just passed a young couple walking in front of him, laughing and holding hands. They didn’t laugh much longer. But apart from them, no one was there and no one took notice of him. “Where are the people,” asked Rage to himself, before he suddenly heard chatting and laughing from his right. He went through a gap between two houses, just to find himself facing a huge backyard, about 20 meters wide and 30 meters long. It was full of humans standing at tables, talking and drinking the beer, they bought at the little bar in the backyard’s right side. At the End of the backyard, behind several rows of benches, there was a little stage. A colourful poster hung at its background. It said “Town Fair”. Rage felt a big smile spreading over his face. “Today is really my lucky day.” About two hundred pairs of surprised eyes turned towards Rage, as he closed the gate. There was no other way out. Many jaw’s dropped, as the people mustered Rage and saw the huge body and the martial gauntlets with the coagulated blood on them. The mad sadistic smile and the eyes, glowing in the colour of fresh blood made the nearest ones already take a step back. “Who or what are you,” asked one man, giving Rage a disturbed look. Rage baled his armoured fists “I am the special guest.”

If Rage went through an open alley between 2 houses, what gate did he just close? Stop changing the setting to suit your plot devices.

Also, coagulated blood implies that it was dripping, yet Maxar noticed none of that in the Monastery.

Also many jaws dropped. And mustered Rage? What. Please review your dictionary. I'm surprised that anyone would even be sane enough to ask Rage instead of just scream and run in panic.


Maxar hurried. It was harder to keep the track inside a town, but his wolfish smelling sense wasn’t easily tricked. “Come on,” he thought “I need to be faster.” He ran around a corner and saw the first victims. A young couple, as it seemed. The guy looked like he was just peacefully laying at the ground, watching the sky, until Maxar realized, the body would lay face-down, if it weren’t for the neck being brutally twisted around. Maxar glanced at the blood splattered asphalt. The blood came from the girl’s pounded head and it was relatively fresh. It gave him chills. Time to stop this murderer. He checked his surroundings, while running, sensing lots of people nearby. They seemed to be in fear. And between them there was a strong unknown being. Maxar’s head buzzed from its strength and aggression. “What am I dealing with, here?” His sixth sense recognized fewer people around his target. The reason was obvious. “Ow, shite,” it just broke out of him. He had to be faster. He had to stop it. A huge wooden Gate cut his way, leading through the wide gap between two houses. “Do I open it or just climb over it,” Maxar asked himself, when it suddenly opened and panicking people ran towards him. He had to press himself against a wall, so they didn’t overrun him. He fought his way forward until he passed the gate.

Laying ON the ground.

Oh so NOW there's blood on the ground?


Once it was a town fair, but now it turned into a bloodbath and the pale mad brute loomed in the middle of it. In his fists, covered by thick gauntlets he held a little girl. Her loud scream barely drowned the snatch as she got ripped in two. Carelessly the giant threw the bloody halves behind his back, to pick up her crying brother.

Don't get me wrong. The thought of a little girl being ripped in half is scary, but the way you presented it was too neat and cartoony. If you want to ramp up the shock factor, don't just go into it like it was any old thing. Bones break. Skin tears. And blood is everywhere. Two neat halves being tossed aside like a ragdoll is a wasted opportunity and it didn't even take long.


“Stop right there,” Maxar yelled. The murderer's head turned towards him. A surprised grunt was the only answer. Shado materialized his buckler with the two guns beneath it. The barrels aimed onto his opponent “Stop it or I’ll make you.” The killer looked amused. He began to gently pet the boy’s neck. Then he spoke with a deep gravelly voice: “And who are you to talk to me like this, little dog?” Dog? No one called Shado a dog. “They call me Shadowolf. I am probably the deadliest RHG combatant right now.” He didn’t like talking to this evil creature and he certainly didn’t like to brag, but daunting his opponent was worth a try. In the best case it might even save the boy, his age being about seven years, who was struggling to come free, but of course he had no chance. “And what does RHG stand for? Rightfully hopeless garbage?” taunted the giant, not impressed at all. “No,” answered Maxar. He had to stay calm. “It means “Rock Hard Gladiators”. It’s kind of a fighter’s league for people or beings with superior fighting skill or special abilities. Now let this boy go or I will shoot you.” A swift thought and his guns were filled up with bullets. He was ready to fight.

You cannot pet someone's neck. Just their head.

And Maxar must be one cocky sonofabitch to only load his weapons after the obligatory childish banter.


“Will you,” asked his opponent, as he suddenly threw the boy towards Maxar. The body of the braying boy hurled through the air. Could he catch him? No. The boy was not the only thing speeding into his direction. The opponent followed him, charging towards Shado, pounding the ground with his weight.

Letting the boy fall to the ground, Shado took a step to the left to not hit the falling boy, and fired a burst out of his machine gun, which hit the right side of the giant, who got slower, but did not stop. Did he even care for the bullets? Maxar didn’t know, as he dodged the charge. He focussed on the opponent’s metallic gauntlets, but he couldn’t control them. They were made of steel, refusing to be melted, because it was protectively enchanted. Too bad, and making it even worse, Shado wasted an opportunity to shoot the giant, who just turned around and started to close the distance between them.

I'm pretty sure that boy is dead. His head cracked open from the impact of no one catching him. Not that he shouldn't have; I mean maybe you just wanna make Maxar out to be some kind of not-hero. Well, what was the point then of threatening the giant beforehand? Why not just shoot through the boy? We know that Maxar hates human culture and is isolated without social contact, so this interpretation really isn't too far off. So yeah, not only is Maxar a not-hero, he's also a careless asshole it seems.

Also brilliant deduction that the gauntlets must be enchanted. I mean, he can't control them so automatically it must mean they're enchanted. Why does he even need Adam for if he can just go and make his own baseless conclusions. I mean, just because you know its enchanted doesn't mean the character does.


Maxar materialized a spear made of tungsten in his right hand. He passed on including the dangerous plutonium, because there were too many people around.At least the spear granted him a range advantage in the inevitable close combat. He lifted his buckler, blocking his opponent’s first swinging blow. It hit hard enough, to leave Shado’s arm shaking.

Please elaborate how Tungsten = Ranged advantage. Or is it because it's a spear? Why even mention Tungsten then? I'm just wondering since this is the basic showcase of Maxar's ability right? So the least you can do is do a little more umph on the elements that he uses to produce these items.



<The Fight Scene>
Okay frankly I just skimmed through this. It's not as bad as other crappy fights I've read, so you have that. I'm not touching these scene with a ten foot pole so can someone please take over instead?

It's not you; I usually just skip fights in general because they are the most boring and unimaginative portions of any battle, if that makes any sense. Fights are quick, decisive, and meaningful. This slugfest tried to explain everything at a slow pace and description was all over the place but nothing was really happening. Nice of you to use body parts of different kinds instead of just saying he hits then he dodges and whatnot. However, your stick-all-dialogue-in-one-paragraph is really killing the scene here; way too much tl;dr and it detracts from what's happening. From what little I can stomach, you are wrought with wrong words and spelling. Is this a first draft?


The red veil slowly left his vision. Gladly Rage noticed, he was able to see with both eyes again. His left eye had been melted free by the beam. “Excellent. So, what do I do now?” Rage knew, there would be more fighters like Shadowolf trying to kill him. They would start coming in groups and eventually hunt him down. “Unless, I challenge them one by one. Hmm. Becoming one of these gladiators might actually be a good Idea. If I bring an evidence, I killed Shadowolf, they just have to accept me...I could take his tail.” Rage found, that this RHG might just be the safest place to go and he just needed some time. He knew, what the runes meant. Rage would get stronger. Someday, he would be strong enough, to take his revenge and fulfil his destiny. It was to kill every human, until there is no one left.

There was an earlier scene where Maxar introduced what RHG was to the giant. I questioned that in my head and wanted to pick on it but decided to let it go. And now I see the reason why that earlier scene was necessary. So lemme get this straight: Maxar's RHG opponent wasn't an RHG to begin with and the giant's solution to not have the RHG on his back is to willingly join the RHG so that any RHG opponent will---no. It's stupid. If the giant was solely a antagonist in the universe by which Shado lived in, then he wouldn't even think about getting into soemthing like the RHG. It's so contrived and copped-out.

roBEAT
09-02-2015, 07:55 AM
Yeah, I definitely have to improve a lot. My grammar and spelling and mistakes have two reasons. One is, that this battle is actually my first one and the other is, that I am from a country that doesn't speak English. I have basicly learned all my English in school. Of course, this is no excuse in a competition like this and I don't want to excuse. It's just to explain where my problem comes from, so you can maybe critcise me even better.

Plotwise, I have to admit that I wasn't too sure how to set this up. I did not want to explain too much, because I was afraid of slowing the story down too hard, but I did also not want to start into the battle without a setup. So I tried finding the right spot in between, but it looks like I sometimes failed at it.

Shadowolf has been sent instead to follow Rage instead of the police, but you are right. It is kind of unlikely, that it would happen like that.

About the scene with the boy, I think you got Maxar wrong there. His Character thread even said, he would always try to save humans, but he is realistic. That's what he did as he let the boy fall.

Tungsten and dead girls: I am sometimes not exactly sure, how much I should pad my text. I still have a lot to learn.

Rage decided to join RHG, because he thinks, that he can defeat any RHG-fighter unless they come in packs. Joining RHG should prevent getting hunted. He prefers few 1v1 fights to get time to get stronger.
I guess, I could've explained it better, but I wanted to end the battle quickly after it loses it's tension.

Formatting:
All the thoughts were basicly Italized to tell, wether the characters are speaking or thinking. It might be more obvious on my document.

I won't just put the speech into paragraphs again. I thought it would be like that in novels, because I never payed too much attantion to the formatting there. After looking it up a moment ago, I realized my mistake.


About reading some novels: Actually, I wanted to read an english novel in my holidays, but I didn't find any good ones, that also interest me, in the libary. Because I am into fantasy, I want to read "A Game of Thrones" in English soon. I've heard it's well written and not too hard.

Thanks for the critique. I knew, I needed to improve. Now I know, what exactly. :)

Hewitt
09-02-2015, 11:10 PM
Yeah, I definitely have to improve a lot. My grammar and spelling and mistakes have two reasons. One is, that this battle is actually my first one and the other is, that I am from a country that doesn't speak English. I have basicly learned all my English in school. Of course, this is no excuse in a competition like this and I don't want to excuse. It's just to explain where my problem comes from, so you can maybe critcise me even better.

You should have mentioned that english wasn't your first language. Had you done so, I would have completely avoided criticizing your word use and spelling. I rarely cnc grammar but it was such a fine day yesterday I was like whatever. That being your first battle is no excuse however. You already mentioned learning English in school, I assume that you've written essays in the past. If you haven't then this is your one clean pass. If you have then what makes a first battle any different than anything you've attempted.


Plotwise, I have to admit that I wasn't too sure how to set this up. I did not want to explain too much, because I was afraid of slowing the story down too hard, but I did also not want to start into the battle without a setup. So I tried finding the right spot in between, but it looks like I sometimes failed at it.

You did not explain too much. You explained enough. And it's frankly better than most set-ups in that regard. There's a difference between slowing the pace to a crawl and extending it. You can drag something for as long as you deem everything that happens significant, as long as you are able to do so while getting your reader's attention.

For Example:
A: 5 paragraphs of how the character was wronged in the past. 5 paragraphs of what's been happening (cops, consequences, status of the attraction, etc). 2 paragraphs of chasing down the opponent. 10 paragraphs of battling w/ 3 paragraphs interspersed with revenge dialogue. 5 paragraphs of resolution.
====================
B: 1 paragraph of how the character was wronged in the past. 1 paragraph of mission briefing. 1 paragraph of character coming to town. 1 paragraph of chasing. 1 paragraph of character meeting with rival. 10 paragraphs of battling. 1 paragraph of resolution.

I usually see Example B all the time. You're leaning towards this. There is this general idea, that just because it's a story about fighting, that the fighting should be the focus of the story. And they will always pad this looooong battlefest with plot elements that serve no other purpose than to make it a 'legitimate' story. This does not in fact make the story better. It drags on the plot yes, but it's soulless and not worth critiquing.

Example A is what you ought to be going for. It drags the set-up, yes. But it also makes the pay-off worth it. And it doesn't just end when the fight ends and an actual resolution is made instead of things just ending so quickly as if the entire plot was an excuse.

The rule of thumb is that you have to be conservative with what you write. Put only what is significant and spend as long as you want on it to build tension. If you don't have the patience for plot exploration, you won't be able to make a proper piece that holds onto someone's heart.


About the scene with the boy, I think you got Maxar wrong there. His Character thread even said, he would always try to save humans, but he is realistic. That's what he did as he let the boy fall.

Like I said, I didn't read the wrhg bio before getting into this. But despite that, writing something that would require extra reading is sloppy and lazy. The character profiles exist as a means for your opponent to write about your character in their battle. But for a normal reader, you have to keep your character consistent without any form of hand holding. Imagine having to read the character profiles of Game of Thrones on the first few pages of every book, before reading the story proper. You don't see George Martin telling us that Jon Snow is a rightous dumbass before getting into the chapter where he appropriately chooses to save the humans against the Watch's will. So having to assume that I read your wRHG bio before reading your story is ridiculous.

Secondly, I think you and I have this very different interpretation of what being "realistic" means. If a character was realistic about saving humans, then he/she acknowledges that yes---not everyone can be saved. But if a crying boy is hurtling towards me as an obvious attempt to catch me off-guard, I would still save that guy no matter what because I know the reality of losing a sibling, watching her get torn in half, and being traumatized by that. All the more reason I would want to save the boy because I know the reality of the situation is that hope is not lost if the giant is giving me this opportunity to save him.

But, nope. I sidestep and let him die.

That's not realism, that's being a pragmatic asshole. The problem with your reality is that you aren't being consistent about it. If you are 'realistic' enough to let a boy hurtling towards you to die, then you're realistic enough to just shoot the people running at you from the alley gate instead of and I quote ...press himself against a wall, so they didn’t overrun him. So he cared then that people would get hurt and so he stepped aside, but when it came to the one boy that needed help the most, you decided the reality is that he was boned from the start? Then like I said, just shoot through him and be done with it.

This isn't a matter of me misinterpreting your character. This is a matter of you writing your character wrong.


Tungsten and dead girls: I am sometimes not exactly sure, how much I should pad my text. I still have a lot to learn.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have said Tungsten. I'm just saying that you better know what Tungsten is, and how it is a better choice for a spear than say Platinum or Gold or Lead or Gold. Now personally, I *know* why a Tungsten Blade is powerful. But your readers will have no idea other than it's a Tungsten blade. So. What you should be doing is to *show* your audience why Maxar chose that element. (to everyone playing at home, it's because of the high heat resistance; it's perfect for the Giant's powers to withstand it).


I guess, I could've explained it better, but I wanted to end the battle quickly after it loses it's tension.

Why is losing tension such a bad thing. Imagine reading Game of Thrones where all the families do is fight each other for 5000 pages. Wouldn't want to lose the tension now, would we? Losing tension is a natural thing. And wrapping up plots with neat little bows is a noob mistake I've seen so many times already. There were just so many unanswered questions that you've set up in the beginning, it's just stupid to end things abruptly as long as your requisite battle quota has been fulfilled.


About reading some novels: Actually, I wanted to read an english novel in my holidays, but I didn't find any good ones, that also interest me, in the libary. Because I am into fantasy, I want to read "A Game of Thrones" in English soon. I've heard it's well written and not too hard.

Try Eragon, it's easier.

Novels are good, but Short Stories are also pretty basic. You need to learn how to crawl before you can walk and Shorts are good for allowing you to express things in as few as 1500 words. Here are 2 reccs of mine:

The Chaser: https://www.utdallas.edu/~aargyros/the_chaser.htm
A Clean, Well-Lighted Place: http://www.mrbauld.com/hemclean.html