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Devour
08-03-2008, 09:08 PM
This is near the very start of my book, before I got better by experiance and reading other good books for help in sentence structure. I'll do chapter one later if you want me to.

I woke up in a desert.
At first, I thought this was a dream, but in a moment or so, I remembered what I was doing here.
Looking to my left, I saw Jenna, still asleep. I considered for a moment if I should wake her up, but I decided against it, seeing we weren’t landed yet.
Getting out of bed, I walked up to what I guessed was the kitchen. There was assorted canned foods and loafs of bread, and a few eggs and sausages. I decided to make Jenna and I some scrambled eggs for the moment. I looked into the plane’s fridge and saw that it was loaded chock full. This plane must be used often for hearty eaters.
I was about finished cooking when I heard Jenna get up, and walk into the kitchen with me.
“Hey baby,” I greeted her. “I’m making something for us to eat before we take on this thing.”
“Aww, that’s nice.” She said sleepily. “I could do with a meal. We had a hard time yesterday.”
Jenna and I ate peacefully for a moment, and then a light flashed overhead. It looked like we were landing.
Carrying my plate, I walked back to a seat and buckled myself in, then pulled up a platform attached to the armrests that was used for holding food or drinks.
Looking through the window, I saw the ground slowly rising up to meet us. It looked sort of like the plane was falling, but I really knew we weren’t. Suddenly, we landed onto a black paved road and slowly came to a halt.
A door into the side lowered and stairs were revealed. Through the door, I saw the driver which had taken us the day before.
He said, “The commander would like to meet you. Please come with me.”
We walked down the stairs of the jet and stepped down onto sand. I could obviously tell that this was a secret military base. First of all, it was located in the middle of a desert, and second of all, there was technology in which I had never even dreamed of before.
Me and Jenna stared at the vehicles and buildings in awe.
“It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Asked the driver with a smile. “The commander’s over here.”
We followed the driver into a large building covered in solar panels and a few turrets which probably fired shotgun rockets. This place was definitely a wonder of this world. Inside the building was many holographic posters and directions to different places, and the rooms had air-conditioners which flew around the walls of their assigned rooms. There were a few walking robots which acted as escorts for many people. After a bit of walking, one came up to us.
“I will escort you to the general. Please follow me, sir.” The robot said in a recorded voice box. It had obviously not been programmed to greet women. Either way, Jenna followed along with me. Our footsteps made no sound in a seemingly liquid metal floor, but it wasn’t hot. I presumed it was to stop any unauthorized people from coming in by grabbing onto their feet. As we walked on by, I saw a professor with Einstein mustaches and women wearing smart-looking glasses. This place was so advanced… so high-tech. It was mind boggling!
“The commander is waiting for you in this room.” The droid said once we reached our destination. I nodded and walked into the room through a door that had scanning lasers lined across the entire door. A second later, Jenna came in herself. Here, we stood face-to-face with a handsome, middle-aged man who was sitting on a chair. He wore a commander’s suit which bristled with badges and achievements. I could tell that this man was deadly, as well as honored.
“I see that you have decided to cooperate with us. I thank you for that, but there is not much time for anything. You two very importantly have to see this.” The commander said in an commanding yet respective voice.
“See what?” Jenna asked, her interest picked up.
“It’s a video recording from engineers who were digging deep into the earth to try and find some new fossil fuel to use, and they came across…” The commander paused. “Nobody knows what it is. It’s some sort of lair of an unimaginable size… Let the video explain everything. Nothing’s better then sight to prove what’s in doubt.”
He put a memory chip into a high tech television. “The video was able to be brought back by the digging machines. Each engineer’s helmet had cameras to record what they see underground, just in case they did in fact find something useful. The recordings were sent as a live feedback from the machines to here. Now it is possible for us to look into such a wonder.” The television blipped on and began playing the movie.
I saw through the television, a group of four engineers climb out of their stopped machines. After a few seconds, the video showed that the camera that we were looking out of was engineer #2. I saw him look around throughout the underground location.
“Something’s stopped our vehicles!” I heard one of the engineers exclaim.
“We must have hit some titanium! I’m surprised that there’s any…” I heard the speaking engineer utter a curse of amazement. “Everyone… look at this!” The camera turned to show a small hole in a wall which I presumed was not created from the digging machines. Another engineer was standing inside of it and seeming to be awestruck or in shock. Engineer #2 ran over to the scene.
As he squeezed through the small hole, I could see that the camera had spotted what there was to be seen before the engineer did, and the sight was amazing.
The general’s letter was right. There was a… a lair so big that I couldn’t believe it could have existed un-noticed for so long.
The engineer was standing on a pathway that seemed to lead into some sort of bridge. There were rocky walls at the area the engineer was, but they broke off to become a wall of the actual lair itself.
“Hey guys, look at this: Isn’t it kind of weird that the place isn’t dark?” Engineer #3 said in delusion.
He was right. The “sky” of the tomb was like a winter sky… dull, empty grayness. However, because of the grayness, it emitted enough light to act as a weak sun.
Finally looking forward, Engineer #2 saw that there was actually some sort of civilization – Or the remains of one. – scattered all around the many bridges and pathways. However, there was something that stood out as much as the fact that there was light under there. Located in what seemed to be the very middle of the lair, was something that seemed to be a huge, floating, circular ball. It took up about a quarter of the tomb.
It was not the size that made that ball so impossibly unbelievable, so against the laws of reality, but it was the fact that it was hovering high above the “ground” of the tomb, and glowed a faint dark-blue color.
“Oh man, will you look that…” Engineer #1 said in awe. Suddenly, he seemed to jump out of surprise. “What kind of things do you think could be in here?!” He exclaimed. “Gold, treasure, some sort of memorial left by this ancient civilization? The fact that humans could live underground like this is just impossible… Imagine what kind of statues or art they could have used that could make us billions! We’d never have to sit down for days at a time while these digging machines of ours slowly dig down in vain for some un-discovered fossil fuel we could use… We could never have to work again for some uppity, bossy, power plant worker ever again!”
The rest of the engineers cheered.
“Lets go and find some treasure, boys.”
Engineer #2 ran with the group of other engineers across the bridge ahead of them and out towards the floating ball, which was high above their heads. A minute later, each engineer came into a second cave. I thought to myself that it must have been the entrance into the room that the floating ball was.
Suddenly, Engineer #2 tripped. His helmet went flying off and hit the ground hard. The view then showed the helmet sliding on the ground, and then falling off a bridge.
“This is where I have to switch camera views, Jay and Jenna.” The commander said to us. “The helmet camera was left on for an hour afterwards and never hit the ground. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was still falling now.” We were too amazed to respond to him.
A small static sound was emitted, and then the television blipped onto Engineer #1’s helmet.
“Are you alright?” He asked Engineer #2
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said. “Just now I’ll have to pay for a new helmet.” I saw him smile, though, as he remembered that there could be a large chance of making billions of dollars.
“I guess this is it.” Engineer #4 said. He was standing on the drop-off right to where the floating ball was. It was about a hundred feet overhead, and there was no known way to get inside.
“Hey look, there’s a hatch right under the middle of that floating thing. Maybe there’s a way to get it opened.” Said Engineer #1, looking up. He pulled out a pocket laser and shot the hatch. However, the laser reflected right back onto the ground, missing Engineer #4 by a hair.
“WHOA!” He exclaimed, falling back. “Be careful!”
“Sorry!”
Suddenly, the hatch lowered down. Down and down until it reached the middle of the drop off in which the engineers were standing. There, the hatch stayed hovering with no visible support.
“I think the thing’s like an elevator.” One engineer guessed. “We’ll jump onto it.”
“Are you crazy?!” Engineer #1 yelled. “What if the thing is a trap and then drops down to wherever the ground is?”
“I’ll go onto it.” Engineer #4 said. “I’m comfortable with death after seeing something this amazing.”
“Well, it’s your choice.” Engineer #1 said. With that, Engineer #4 took a few steps back, ran forward, and jumped. He sailed through the air for about 3 feet, and then landed on the platform, hard. However, it held in the air.
“WOO!” The engineer yelled, amazed and with adrenaline pumping. “Come on! I’ll catch you!”
“Why not? Engineer #2 said. With a giddy smile, he ran forward and then jumped. There was less of an impact this time, with the help of engineer #4. “YEAH! AHA!” Engineer #2 yelled in domination. Engineer #3 smiled and said, “I’ll go on next!” The other two engineers outstretched their arms, ready to catch him. As Engineer #3 jumped this time, his footfall was nearly off of the drop-off, causing barely and lift.
“Whoa!” He yelled as he fell into the air. It looked like he would fall off, down into the oblivion, but he managed to grab the end of the hatch. Surprisingly, the thing didn’t even rock at all.
“Pull him up!” Engineer #4 yelled.
He and Engineer #2 grabbed the fallen man by his wrists and helped him get high enough to climb onto the platform.
“Come onto here, number 1! I’m not going in this without everybody.”
However, the crate started lifting up, slowly.
“Hurry!” The lot of engineers exclaimed.
“Fine… whatever.” Said engineer #1 getting ready for the jump. He backed up and ran as fast as he could, then dived forward. He made it onto the platform, his stomach scraping the edge. Cursing, engineer #1 looked at his stomach. It had a huge cut going from the left of his chest down to his stomach. “Ugh, that thing is sharp!”
“You’ll be alright, man. Swallow the pain, swallow the pain.” Comforted Engineer #2. Slowly still, the hatch rose up. In about twenty seconds, they were inside of the ball.
The camera turned as Engineer #1 looked at a wall embedded with symbols of an ancient language.
“Anyone have an idea what this says?” He asked the rest of the group. The rest of the engineers looked at the wall.
“Whew. That’s nothing like I’ve ever seen before… What do you suppose it means?” Engineer #2 wondered.
“Well, for humans, it means money. We could take pictures of the wall alone and be able to sell them for thousands!”
“Let’s do just that…” Began Engineer #4, “and then travel deeper into this place and find some actual artifacts to take.” The rest of the engineers cheered out of excitement. This was probably the greatest day of their lives.
As the engineers ran off, taking samples of the walls and the floor and looking for anything small enough to take back in their digging machines, Engineer #1 noticed a glow, similar to the ball from the outside of the place, reflecting off of one of the walls. He ran, following where the light was coming from.
As the camera turned the corner, I was able to see a lonely blue box sitting on the floor. It was lined across with symbols and made the ground within about a one foot radius glow. In awe, the engineer picked up the box. Doing that, the glow suddenly stopped.
“Hey, look at this, everyone!” The engineer yelled. “I think I’ve found something we can take home. It looks pretty cool. Even more, it was glowing a bit before I picked this up. I’d better do an energy scan.” The other engineers ran into the room, barely even able to focus their eyes anymore from all the amazement. As the engineer scanned the little box for energy, the rest of the men were looking at the walls from the corner of our camera’s range of sight.
“Hey, these symbols kind of look the same as the ones that we saw when we just came in… In fact, I think they’re on every wall that is in this room!” Engineer #2 noticed.
“Never mind that!” Exclaimed Engineer #1. “You have to check out these energy readings on this box. It’s off the scale! In fact… Oh my, this can’t be right. The scanner says this thing contains energy equal to about three-trillion nuclear power plants!”
I jumped up. “Impossible! There must have been a malfunction in their scanners!” I was yelling.
“Jay,” The general said in a voice that sounded like one he would use while talking to a little kid. “These engineers use the best of the best equipment to be found on the earth. This was not a malfunction. Sit down, and I’ll explain everything after the video.”
Suddenly, the ground shook violently. Each engineer was thrown off their feet and sent sprawling on the ground. As quickly as the event had happened, it ended.
“What was that?!” Engineer #1 yelled.
“I think that this floating ball we’re standing in has hit the ground. If it did, I’m am very glad that this was big enough to not fit through the drop off around it.” Engineer #4 said his voice shaky.
“We gotta get out of here.” Said Engineer #3 nervously. “I’m getting a very bad feeling about this.” A high pitched scream blared, forcing the engineers to cover their ears and fall onto their knees. “Agh! What’s causing that noise?!”
“Ignore it! RUN!” Somebody shouted over top of the scream.
The scream ended for about a moment, and then a new sound replaced it. A ferocious roar of a beast that must have been as big as the room they were standing in themselves.
Suddenly, the video ended. I gasped, and realized that I had been holding my breath. Jenna was breathing hard.
“So…” I began, awestruck. “This is what you found out?”
“Yes.” The general said. “This is also the reason I asked you to come here.”
Jenna suddenly spoke. “I’m guessing you want us to rescue those engineers from that… that tomb.”
“Yes, that is true. I hope with all my heart that these happy people are still alive, and that we can find them, but I also ask another thing.” He paused to let this all sink in. “I want that box.”

Cizzil
08-03-2008, 09:37 PM
its really good, but the engineer 1 and 2 got annoying

.Busted
08-03-2008, 11:44 PM
I feel sorry for whoever has to read that.
But I read like a middle paragraph and it looks pretty good.

Devour
08-04-2008, 01:22 AM
Yeah sorry about the size. It's the entire second chapter.

hj
08-04-2008, 05:01 PM
I feel sorry for whoever has to read that.
But I read like a middle paragraph and it looks pretty good.

Crap, i'm banned again, i need to stop gettin banned. (2hed1)

Bonk
08-05-2008, 02:41 AM
Whoa, dude, whoa. I haven't read it, and I've picked up a few things from scanning already:

In the first 4 lines he the dude had got up, looked around the kitchen, and cooked breakfast.

Take some actual time to write description; you can see it in your head, but unfortunately you have to actually write down what you see because we can't guess.

Secondly, give the engineers some names. Not necessarily "Bob" and "Joe", but many "the short one", or the "grumpy one". Seriously, this loops back to the description thing: your characters need description as well.

Apples
08-05-2008, 04:10 AM
Ever heard of a thing called paragraphs?

Scarecrow
08-05-2008, 04:19 AM
There are paragraphs, but it needs paragraph breaks.

New Generation
08-05-2008, 07:33 AM
I only read the first 4 lines. It's not bad but use more synonyms and metaphors to make it more interesting for the audience to read, and so they won't get bored. Maybe do a twist or an interesting story line.

I posted a first chapter of my book too, but no one really read it. Except one guy who gave some good criticism similar to the one I gave you.

LakE
08-05-2008, 07:50 AM
"seeing we weren’t landed yet."
I'm not sure If I'm being an idiot here, but this didn't make sense to me.
Making "Hadn't" would work better, in the place of "weren't".

Also, it seems too plain and original. Adding a twist could make it more interesting. Be more detailed about everything, even to the point you're describing the feel of the belt buckle.

Kudos to you, though. I wouldn't have had the patience to even right the first chapter, let alone a second.

Devour
08-07-2008, 07:23 PM
Thanks for the comments. I’ve fixed up a few things like switching “weren’t” to “hadn’t” now.
I know that those who think there is no twist to the story haven’t been able to read the actual theme, but there is in fact a pretty sharp twist. I’ll post chapter four or five if you want me to.

Trypheon
08-10-2008, 12:29 PM
Nice story. It seems like you put a lot of effort into it. I would recommend changing #3 in third, etc.

I myself have also been writing a story, it started as a joke, actually, but I continued it for two chapters and an unfinished third chapter. It's a story set in a post-apocalyptic world and its based arround the PC game "Fallout". It's about a couple of people living in a bunker together. Maybe I'll post it here, I don't know.

Also, certainly post the fourth and fifth chapters.