View Full Version : Dracustos VS Light

10-18-2015, 06:52 PM
After a long hiatus, it's time for some more punching in the face.

I paused and looked up at the white walls of the Coliseum. After a sigh, I approached the guard who stood at a double door. He looked up at me and raised a brow.

“I’m guessing you’re the half-dragon?” I nodded in response, and he pulled up a walkie-talkie that was strapped to his chest. “One of the contestants is here.” After a moment the doors opened, and he gestured for me to go in. I gave a nod of thanks and entered. The hall was lit by torches, and the floor was dirt. It was like I’d gone through a portal in time and was walking in the past.

I was soon in a small room, where a man sat polishing the scope of his sniper rifle. His clothing suggested Australian origin, and a cowboy hat sat on his head. He glanced up at me.

“‘Ello mate,” he greeted, lifting his hat. Definitely Australian.

“Hey,” I responded with a nod. The man stood and offered a hand, and I took it.

“Nice to meet you, Dracustos.”

“Likewise, Mr…”

“Call me Steve.”

“Right.” I glanced at his rifle. “You handy with that?”

“Damn right. One of the best around. There are others positioned about to make sure we can get you.”

“Good.” I’d requested snipers to hang around and tranquilize me should I go into Feral State and lose control. Before it wasn’t much of an issue, but this time there was going to be a crowd.

“Best make yourself comfortable, mate. Not only are you early, but your opponent tends to be late most of the time.” He returned to his seat, and I went to a bench on the opposite side. I glanced out of the gate leading to the arena. It was a large, swampy area, dominated by tall grass, reeds, and water, with the occasional dead tree.

I leaned back with a sigh, and we sat in silence for about an hour. A hum had started up as viewers took their seats above. After a few more minutes I became restless, and decided to practice with my swords.

“You protect a town, right?” I paused and turned my eyes to Steve.


“So why’d you join the Gladiators? People die in this competition you know.” I was silent for a moment as I lowered my weapons.

“I joined because, frankly, my life is dull. Ever since I scattered The Tribe and Rejection gained a real police force, I’ve been sort of out of a job. Now they only call on me when things get really bad. The RHG also gives me a reason to keep up with my fighting skills and not get lazy. Besides, most of the time the Medics can bring you back.”

“They key word in that sentence, mate, is ‘most’.” A glint of silver caught my eye, and I glanced across the arena to the opposing gate. Sure enough, there was an armored man. A large one by the looks of it. Steve raised his fingers to his earpiece.

“Looks like your opponent’s here,” he said, standing. I nodded and sheathed my swords, turning towards the gate. “A word of warning, mate...” I peered over my shoulder at the Australian. “I know this bloke, and he sure as hell won’t hesitate to kill. I suggest you do the same, for your sake.” I simply grinned.

“It’s the other guy you should be worried about.” Steve chuckled and adjusted his hat.

“Are you kidding? That bloke’s about as lovable as a cactus.”

“So he’s a prick?”

“Ha ha! I see what you did there, you cheeky monkey.”

“Ladies and gentlemen!” An announcer’s voice echoed around the arena, throwing the humming crowd into silence. “Allow me to introduce our Gladiators for today’s battle!”

“Good luck, mate,” Steve said. The gate clanked open, and I stepped onto the battle grounds.

“On this side we have the halfbreed, Dracustos the Draconian!” The crowd roared as I looked around, and got even louder when I unleashed a roar. “And on this side we have the man you all know, and more than likely hate… Light the Paladin!” I gazed at the opposing gate, and out marched a holy-looking knight. The crowd’s cheering wasn’t very approving; most of it consisted of boos and curses.

As the man approached me, I was surprised to find we were eye to eye. His armor reflected the sun brightly, nearly blinding me. And I could sense something… an immense dark presence. Guess this holy knight wasn’t so holy.

“You’re mighty big for a human,” I commented. At first he stood silently, then drew his sword. It was massive, nearly as long as he was tall. Honestly, I was a bit intimidated.

“I am only here to cleanse you of your demon, not make friends,” he stated firmly. I raised a brow. My demon? Was he referring to Feral State?

“I wouldn’t really call it a demon-” I ducked as he swung his sword at my head, then jumped back. I drew my own swords, giving them quick, fancy twirls to show off. “Wow, you are a bit of a prick, aren’t you?” Light responded by swinging his sword again. I blocked it, but he was much stronger than I expected, and my weapons flew from my hands. The attack also threw me off balance, and I fell to the mud with a splash. I rolled to the side, and the knight’s sword sank into the wet dirt. He swung at me again, and again I rolled out of the way. We continued in this manner until I’d gone a few laps around the brute, and the audience was beginning to laugh. I figured I embarrassed the man enough and teleported away onto a fallen tree.

“So… are you actually going to hit me with these attacks or what?” I teased. Light growled, then charged at me, sword poised to strike. I teleported my swords back into my hand and jumped off the tree at him. While in the air I put my weapons together along the long side of the blades, and they fused together into a single sword.

The knight raised his blade, and I bounced off. He stepped forward, giving his sword a mighty swing for my midsection. I dropped below it, then lunged forward and planted my fist firmly into his covered face. He stumbled back, nearly falling, and when he turned back I saw that I had dented his helmet.

I heard him growl again, and suddenly noticed light coming from his closed fist. He raised and opened his hand, and a beam of light lashed out. I ducked to the side in an attempt to dodge it, but felt an intense burn in my arm, causing me to drop my sword. I heard the heavy thuds of Light’s running feet, and he tackled me, pushing me back onto the rugged end of the fallen tree. My scales broke most of the points, but some slipped past and sank into my skin. A pained shout escaped my throat, which changed to a roar as the knight shoved his sword into my midsection. I grabbed the blade and tried to remove it, but Light held it in place. After pulling my lips back in a pained snarl, I opened my jaws and spat fire. The brute stumbled back with a grunt of pain, taking his sword with him.

I dropped to the ground, coughing up blood. I held a hand over my wound as I forced myself to my feet, and glanced up to find a sword coming at me. I jumped out of the way, flopping into the water. As I tried to get back up Light gave me a vicious kick to the ribs, flipping me over. He pushed me underwater, holding me down by my throat. I kicked and scratched, digging my claws into the armor of his chest and stomach, but he didn’t seem phased.

This was bad. My strength was failing me, and I didn’t have the energy to teleport. My lungs were beginning to burn, my muscles were going numb. I couldn’t do anything to get him off.

Just when I thought I wasn’t going to get out of the situation, I suddenly lashed out in an involuntary movement, clawing at the knight’s helmet. My jaws snapped open and white flames erupted from the back of my throat, evaporating the water on contact. The pressure on my neck was lifted, and I was able to break the surface. I could feel the familiar sensation of my horns growing.

“You want to face my demon?” I hissed as I stood and faced my opponent. I looked over his scorched, nearly melted armor, stained red from his bleeding wounds. “Wish granted.” He took up arms as I spread my wings with a roar of challenge. I dropped to a quadruped stance, and we circled each other.

As we eyed each other down, I heard him mumble something, then black wisps materialized around the knight. It seemed to seep into his armor, until it changed from its shining silver to a pitch black. The scales on the back of my neck stood, the dark presence becoming stronger. I didn’t like it at all.

Someone in the crowd began shouting. Other people soon joined in, until I could make out what they were saying.

“Dra-custos! Dra-custos! Dra-custos!” I smirked. Sounds like I’m the favorite.

Light made a move, his running feet splashing thunderously through the shallow water. Taking a breath I reared back, then let out a torrent of white flames upon the fluid. Plumes of steam jumped into the air. It didn’t stop the Paladin of course; I could hear him still charging towards me. What it did do was make it nearly impossible to see; the bowl of the arena and lack of wind kept it inside, letting it get thick and heavy. I silently moved to the side before Light reached me, letting him swing at an empty space. The sunlight made the mist seem to glow, making it more difficult to see, but the Paladin’s dark form was easy to pick out.

“This invisibility can go both ways, beast!” he called. I snarled in amusement as he noisily slushed around.

“You are wrong, knight,” I hissed into his mind, slithering around him. “I smell you. I hear your breath. I feel your air. I know exactly where you are.” At this I pounced onto his back with a raptor-like shriek, sinking my teeth into his neck. The holy knight shouted in pain before reaching up in an attempt to grab me, but I wrapped my tail around his wrist and held it down. I bit down again, tightening my grip as Light tried to get me off. Unsuccessful, he growled in aggravation, then stuck his sword in the mud. He pointed a finger at me, and I noticed a small ball of dark light and quickly released my jaws, moving out of the beam’s way. Before I could bite again he managed to grab my neck and throw me to the ground. I rolled out of the way of his foot and backed away. As he retrieved his sword I glanced around. The mist was nearly gone. I needed to end this fast; I could feel my wound catching up to me.

He ran at me, but I stood my ground. As he raised his sword and went for a swing, I swung my tail at his ankles. He tripped and fell, and as he tried to get back on his feet I wrapped my tail around his throat. With a mighty flap of my wings I jumped into the air, flying straight up. Light squirmed and writhed, grabbing and pulling at my tail as he struggled to get free. By the time I stopped the audience looked like a gathering of insects below. I lifted the knight up to my eye level.

“You’re an ironic one, knight. You claim to be a Paladin, yet you wield an evil power.” I reached for the dark cross that hung from his waist, but my instincts made me draw back, telling me not to touch it.

“Re… lease me... demon!” Light choked. I grinned deviously.

“As you wish, Paladin,” I hissed. I undid my coils, and he plummeted to the earth, the shockwave from his impact sending the rest of the mist out of the arena. I dived down, spreading my wings before hitting the ground to slow my descent, and returned to my quadruped stance. I prowled around the small crater Light’s body had made, watching for any movement as it was slowly filled with water.There was no motion, no sound; he was down for the count.

The crowd began cheering, chanting my name once more. I snapped towards them, letting out a roar, and they fell silent. I managed to hold my instincts back and tried to lock them up.

“Draco?” I turned to find Steve, his gun poised to shoot. “You cool, mate?” The sight of his weapon made my instincts return, and I snarled at him. “Come on you bloke, don’t make me pop you.” I turned my head away, closing my eyes with a deep breath. It took a moment for my other side to leave. When it was gone I raised my eyes back to the sniper.

“Yeah… Yeah I’m cool…” I answered, subconsciously placing an arm over my wound. Steve shot me a grin before lowering his rifle, and lifted a finger to his earpiece.

“Stand down, he’s in control. … Yeah yeah, you can gripe at me later.” As he was speaking, I suddenly felt dizzy, and a wave of fatigue came over me. With a faint groan I swayed before falling to the ground. “Ah shit- Get a medic here now!” I heard running steps, then felt a hand on my back. “Hang in there mate. We’ll get you fixed up.”


A herald of god should not have to wait for a bunch of lesser non-believers, well that’s what Light thinks anyway, since he’s been waiting for about an hour now for his appointment with the fighting organizer. Despite his very obvious annoyance to the situation, he couldn’t stop but wonder, what is it the organizer talks about to his clients in there. He doesn’t exactly have long conversation with Light and things are kept brief, yet it takes much longer for the organizer to complete his meetings with other contestants. Does he despise Light, in all his glory?

Light clenched his fist at the thought, rattling his silver armor violently, the organizer must pay for this grave insult to his honor he thought, but he stopped himself from rising from his wooden seat. He remembered the last two fights he had, how low he had been put down, the disgrace he had brought to the pure justice, valor and kindness that was his lord. Punching an official of this fighting system would just bring more shame to his Almighty, a shame that his lord wouldn’t be happy to have.

Light silenced his thoughts and continued his waiting.

An number or so passed by with the small clock, at least, that’s what Light thought as he was looking at the clock object that he was told describes time. The door to the organizer opened dramatically, revealing a robed figure with strange blue horns protruding out of its head. Light’s instincts awoke as he saw this figure, he charged, taking out his sword as he took heavy but quick steps to this creature. This creature had to be a darkspawn, it had the horns of a blue demon drake, unholy creatures of the sea with horrible dark powers. Before he could use his sword against this creature, he stopped at the sound of the Organizer’s voice.

“You gentlemen can fight in your allocated arena, I won’t have you two destroy anything here.” His voice was frozen cold; it alone felt like it was enough to freeze him solid. Light stayed his blade and slid it slowly back into his scabbard. His fiery rage tempered by the cold of the shadowy figure. Silence fell onto them, Light still staring with rage at the horned robe figure.

“So you must be Light? A pleasure to meet you.” The robed figure took off its ominous hood, revealing a blue anthropomorphic dragonhead. The figure raised his hand as so to shake Light’s iron hand. Light’s choler was rising to nearly his limit, barely able to raise his hand calmly to shake the other man’s hand. This thing has to be a blue drake, its just taunting me with its human form. I will destroy this creature in our fight and redeem myself to my god and show him of my worth.

Light was too rage filled to notice that this beast was about the same size as him, both of them being giant in comparison to other people around them. A paladin against a dragon man, a clash of fantasy.


To say that the armored man was aggressive would be a big understatement, I barely saw the guy for a few seconds and he’s already charging at me with his shiny pointy stick. Not to mention his handshake, it doesn’t take a perceptive person to tell that the guy was angry. You could tell he was barely able to hold himself from attacking me, his hand was shaking with rage. He sounded like a bunch of frying pans rattling as he walked out of the building with the organizer following him, must be all that plate armor of his.

Will be interesting to see how he fights against me in our match. For now, anyway, lets just head off to the arena. Taking out the arena papers out of my robe’s inner pocket, I unfold it and read it. Seems like a forest environment this time, nice, means I will have more of a advantage against Mr. Sauce-pans-armor. Turning the page, I find the competitors list. Might as well read it, so I know what this guy is capable of.

Okay, lets see, super strength? Clearly, how else would he be walking around in that armor of his? After that is light manipulation. Haha, he can manipulate himself. Darkness? Well that’s vague. Seems like a pretty simple guy, shouldn’t be too hard to deal with him. Find some weaknesses in his armor and I’m good.


“How dare you stop me? That thing is a demon, he will destroy you all!” I bellow to the organizer as he closes the door. How much of a ignorant fool can this mortal be? Despite its apparent knowledge in dark illusions, it’s clueless when it comes demons! I’d be more than happy to teach this unknowledgeable simpleton about the horrors my people and me go through each and everyday.

“I dare stop you because you’ll make a fucking scene, you stupid zealot. I’m already pulling enough threads in this country’s legal system to have this fighting system, I don’t need you messing me up by making a scene.” It retorted, the cold in his voice did nothing to cool down the rage in his words. What did it say to me? No, I refuse to control it, I feel my choler moving through my body. The fire of it is so intense that I can’t control it anymore, I swiftly reach for my sword, this insulter must pay!

What is this? My arm won’t move, despite my commands, I look down to it. Its covered in something black, and its connected to the shadow man. Wait, what is that in my hand? My cross? What does he want with Lucifer’s cross

“Let my hand go, you impudent fool.” I say to the organizer. The black is starting to crawl up my arm to my face, slowly sliding up my armor.

“Who said it was me doing it and what makes you think that demanding will get you it? Deal with him Lucifer.” It retorts.

“Lucifer? Hah! You are more of a fool than I thought, I killed Lucifer many years ago.” I answer. This clot pole is too gullible, how could he believe that Lucifer, a high demon, could still be alive?

“That’s what you think.” This voice, I remember it, but where is it coming from. I’m panicking as I look around for the sources, he can’t be alive. I destroyed him myself.

“I’m as alive as ever, thanks to you.” The voice says, the blackness on me is starting to shape and mold into something. I can’t quite make ou- Oh no.

“Miss me, my little paladin?”


I wonder where plate guy is, our fight is supposed to start in a few minutes. Bah, I bet he’ll make a last minute entrance like a drama queens. Anyway, I might as well take a look around. The woods here seem ancient and thick with trees, what’s most noteworthy however is the size of these things. Extending my wings to their fullest, I run forward and jump. I fly steadily upwards, the wind blowing through the robes I wear.

It takes a while to get to the top, by the time I’m there, plate head will be down there waiting for me. Grabbing onto a branch, I look out over the trees. The sun was at its highest right now, and the rays beautifully penetrated the leaves and branches, creating what could practically only be seen in the most masterful paintings.

“I love being able to fly.” Judging by how high the sun is, the match will have started now, might as well head down now.

I was barely able to stretch out my wings again when a strong light blinded me. But it wasn’t the sun, it was coming from below me.

I quickly jumped from where I held onto, using the tree as a platform to launch myself. Looking back, I see some sort of yellowish and whiteish beam of energy blast through where I was standing. Interesting enough, it wasn’t like a laser, more like a large fist.

I guess this mean our fight has begun, as I assume that plate man is down there. I unfold my wings again and steady myself in the air. Looking down I see something a bit grey on the ground, it’s definitely him. Oop, gotta watch out for those beams of his, they don’t seem as dangerous as some laser, but I bet they would hurt.

I quickly dive towards the ground, dodging the beam, and head straight for Mr. Knight.

“Um, boss, what happened in your office?” My assistant asks as he enters the room, he’s a small fellow, thinly built, carrying a few documents in his hands and gives the impression that he’s wimpy.

“What do you mean?” I ask, hopefully he didn’t hear my conversation with the zealot. It’s always a bore to have to look for a new assistant.

“I heard some loud shouts and slams, but what most terrified me was that I heard a scream. What happened?” Damn it, I was hoping he didn’t hear. Darkness damn you Lucifer, why did you go so slowly?

“Oh it was nothing, just mr. Knight being angry as usual. Nothing you need to worry about.” I reassure the boy, he’s not buying it though. He raises an eyebrow and goes up to my desk and places the documents, but then he stops and looks at something.

“Sir, what is this black stuff?” I was hoping he wouldn’t see that, hopefully he’s not smart enough to piece together the evidence.

“Oh it’s mine, don’t mind it.” Despite being a supposed ‘shrewd’ organizer, I can’t lie for shit. Luckily he’s still turned away, so he can’t see my face. Or at least what’s left of it anyway.

“So it isn’t this Lucifer guy’s stuff?” Darkness damn it; guess I got to start looking for a new assistant.

“Don’t try lying to me sir, before you say anything, I know what I heard.” He’s surprisingly insistent on knowing about it. Kid has a strong spirit at least. But before the poor boy could turn around to face me, I already had my hands around his throat.


Well the asshole is tough, I can tell you that. I’ve managed to stab him a few times in his armor’s weak points but he doesn’t even flinch. The guy refuses to slow down, every minute he gets more and more aggressive and angry. Guess what he showed off in the offices was just a tiny portion of the whole thing.

Luckily enough for me, he doesn’t bother to block my attacks, whatever reason that is I don’t know. If this does keeps up for too long however, I might be defeated simply because he could outlast me, maybe I sho-

Couldn’t really finish my though as the dude just smashed me in the stomach with his iron fist. The absolute raw power of his is terrifying, I can’t stop myself from crashing into a tree because of the strength. I slam hard into the tree, causing leaves to fall to the ground, along with me. The impact onto the tree was painful enough; landing violently on the ground sure as heck didn’t make me feel better and the punch probably broke some bones. I quickly get myself up, fighting through the excruciating pain I feel in my body. As I get up however, I notice a bright light in front of me, he’s charging another beam.

Wait a minute, the tree! Yes that could work. I stand up completely, staring right at the paladin, I must not show any fear for the plan to work.

“Its over, demon!” He bellows as he fires his light, it passes through the forest like a small sun, reflection off of my swords. I’d almost say it was beautiful, if it wasn’t for that it was coming right for me. I quickly react, sheathing my swords and teleport behind a different tree to hide behind it. I couldn’t see what happened as I id, but I heard an explosion, followed by a ghastly creaking sound, then followed by the sound of something heavy hit the ground.

I slowly sneak out of my hiding place, gotta be careful, my idea might not have worked. Looking around, I see that the tree I was by was lying down on the ground like someone who fell asleep standing. No armor dude around, and I couldn’t hear any frying pans, so I approached the downed tree slowly.

Quietly now, still not sure where the dude is, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. I just keep repeating that in my head until I’m right by the tree. As I attempt to look under it, I hear a voice, and it ain’t some voice you want to hear when you are in a fight with a blood thirsty fanatical zealot knight.

The voice was darker, darker than anything I have ever heard so far in my life, its sound drilling into my head and skull fucking it. While it was very confusing and I couldn’t hear a dang word of what it was saying, it didn’t take me long at all to find the source of the problem.

Since I know the dude is right under the tree anyway and this creepy voice is under it too, its safe to say that I can probably burn the tree and slowly kill the guy. I mean, its safer to do that instead of lifting the tree and killing him then.

I summon the fire within me, coursing through my body like flames of the heart, I move it up to my mouth and release it onto the tree. I had used my white fire.


Was this the end I pondered, Lucifer has been playing with me for all these years and I didn’t see it for a second. Were all the dreams and messages I had gotten from my lord even true, or were they just Lucifer’s illusions too? Has my god ever really existed? What have I been fighting for all these years?

I guess you really start to think about what you’ve been doing with your life when you are stuck under a tree, slowly getting crushed. I’ve been a puppet in Lucifers plans for who knows how long. Every step I took to stop evil, I gave it more power

I am ready to give up, to lie here forever and die, leaving no etch on history or stories of my glory. This is indeed the end for me, my strength slowly faded; as did what willpower and determination I had left. I have nothing left.

Wait, I feel something, I feel a heat. Where is it coming from? It’s getting brighter, what is it? Is it god? Yes, he must have heard me in my darkest hour and come to strengthen my resolve. How could I ever doubt my lord? Life started to come back into my body as my determination was born anew.

I placed both my hands on the tree, pushing with all my might. Slowly but surely I started to push the tree off of me, at the same time getting myself off from the ground. The heat as I discovered was a pure white fire spreading over the tree, but when it got close, I felt just how hot it was. It was the fire of the lord, it had come to cleanse me of my sins. The fire was intense and scorching, I could feel my armor melting because of it, it dripping onto my body, burning it more than the fire.

The pain was nearly unbearable, I could feel my movements getting more and more sluggish as I shoved the tree to the side. This was the price for my disbelief in my lord, trial through flame, as the armor drizzled down my flesh slowly and mercilessly. I stood up tall, refusing to show any signs of pain, I must repay my lord for his mercy and faith to me.

“You just seem to get tougher and tougher, plate-head.” I hear a voice, the demon still lives. I turn to face the voice and there it is, smiling smugly at me. This petty little game has gone far enough

“My god has given me another chance to kill you, demon, and this time, you will die by my hands.” I didn’t think, I didn’t even grab my sword, I just charged right at it. It was so close to me that it couldn’t react in time for hands to grab it’s head and head-butted it. It started to freak out, taking out its sword and repeatedly stabbing me. I gave no mind to it; it didn’t matter if I died, as long as I could defeat this heathen.

But the more and more it started to freak out, the more it started to morph into a more demonic being, horns started to protrude out of it’s head among other mutation. It let it swords go, dropping them to the ground, and it instead grabbed my arms and with new strength, started to remove them from it’s head.

How did it get all it’s strength doubled? It must be some sort of demonic mutation. More reason to bring it to justice, but before I could think of what to do, it grabbed my head with its mutated mouth. The teeth of the beast was penetrating my armor and stabbing me. It applied more and more pressure onto my head, slowly crushing it.

“I refuse to die!” I shout at the top of my voice, my body shaking with rage. I use all the strength I have to grab the beast’s arms and pull them back as far as I can, it bellows in pain as the sound of bone breaking and flesh tearing echoes in my ears

It lets go and falls back, shrieking loudly in pain. I slam my foot onto its stomach and grab its arms again, this time ripping them clean off its body. Blood splatters everywhere, covering my armor and the slits I see through. Its screaming only increases in loudness as I throw both arms away. I don’t even both cleaning off the blood so I can see where the monster is, it’s not going anywhere. Holding my foot planted on it, I take a step closer by its head.

I swiftly put all my weight on the foot that’s on the beast, and I stomp with the last of my energy on its head.

The screaming stopped


“So tell me, Lucifer, why didn’t you continue to possess the fool. He was as ripe for it as ever.”

“I didn’t need to.”

“And why is that?”

“Because the seed of doubt has already been planted.”

Kamiroo Wolf
10-18-2015, 06:54 PM
You may or may not have forgotten the poll...js

Or is this battle just for fun?

Edit: Thar she blows!

10-18-2015, 07:25 PM
For those that are curious, the names with no other words are meant to tell you what character's point of view you move to.

Of course if dragon could be a dear and bold them, that'd be awesome <3

10-19-2015, 03:05 PM
For those that are curious, the names with no other words are meant to tell you what character's point of view you move to.

Of course if dragon could be a dear and bold them, that'd be awesome <3

Alright, I'll get on it. :)

10-19-2015, 08:57 PM
Quick note for all you voters, if you are going to vote on one of us, please leave a critique so we can further improve on our work! : )

10-19-2015, 09:06 PM
Well, I do have time right now so...

GeneratorRexDragon: Your story felt a bit lacking in detail compared to your fight with Malacal. It almost cost you my vote.

Devi: I was going to vote for you, but I read your story and the transitions felt too frequent and somewhat unnecessary. It broke my immersion and killed my interest before I could finish and I voted for GeneratorRexDragon as a result.

10-20-2015, 08:59 AM
Simply put, Rex's write was a better read.

Devi, the way you split the story up into different viewpoints was kind of confusing for me. If you're actually going to make different views, maybe try a little less splitting? Maybe no splitting?

(Sorry, I haven't CNCed in a while :))

10-20-2015, 09:08 PM
So, I tried to just read and enjoy, but the first story was triggering because of the quality. Now I'm going to have to be all equal rights and help Devi... dangit. Oh well, Dracustos now, Devi later.
EDIT: Holy crap, 2 CnCs... one day. I think that's a new record for me.
Sin Tally I:
"The hall was lit by torches, and the floor was dirt. It was like I’d gone through a portal in time and was walking in the past."
This is straight-up awful (I'm Lobo now, grr). Just, this paints no good picture. It's "look, Generic Coliseum setting!! :D :D " and it's dumb. You need to say WHY it's like the past, not that it is like the past. Describe how the dirt floor is packed more solidly from concrete from all the horrible overuse of a generic Coliseum in the wRHG. Just... MORE. and atleast try, dear god please TRY to really getting us into feeling the general environment and mood. This could be in a forest with leaves on the ground and shaded by trees and nobody would care. Until I have someone flee into a tree.

Random Comment I
Shit... am I steve?

Sin Tally II:
Disregarding that, UNINTERRUPTED DIALOG IS MY TUMBLR TRIGGER. Back and forth dialog is awful. There are few things more awful, one of which is elevator farts and that is arguable. Dialog should be a timestamp in what is happening in your environment. It gives a sense of continual action in your story. What you have are two people who just met sitting like statues telling jokes about dead and soon-to-be dead people and it's just... dead. It's more dead than the word dead after I use dead 7 times in short order.

Sin Tally III:
"Honestly, I was a bit intimidated."
DAMMIT, YOU ALMOST HAD A GOOD MOMENT. But no, you did the biggest noobity noobness: you told instead of showed. Talk about the fear gripping their heart or something. I dunno, have your character gulp at the majesty of the sword, do anything but straight up say "I'm scared"

Sin Tally IV:
In general, your character representation is awful. It's like you're too scared to portray them or you just can't really feel them. The wRHG is full of over-the-top characters so make them act like it. Have Omega try to tame a Handyman (easily one of the best moments on this forum if I am to make Waffles' head any bigger). Make Light more like Light and Dracustos more like Dracustos. Character portrayal is easily one of the most integral things in writing, there's a reason I sometimes read battles people had from ages ago, its so that I can better understand what the character is.

Sin Tally V:
"We continued in this manner until I’d gone a few laps around the brute"
So action, wow, such climactic

Random Comment II:
Okay, your conclusion is alright, I guess. It's not bad enough for me to critique.

Sin Tally VI:
But, you need to slow your stories down. I kinda glazed through most of the actual fighting. Why? Because there was little need for any details and specifics. Individual actions weren't dramatic in the slightest. Read Vern's stuff. He has a really slow writing style that will kinda show what you're lacking in this regard.

Sin Total: 6
Sentence: Cleanse this of the demons
Sin Tally I:
It's LORD in the Bible. Or if you want to really get into details, the original manuscripts would have the equivalent of YHVH.

Sin Tally II:
"An number or so passed by with the small clock, at least, that’s what Light thought as he was looking at the clock object that he was told describes time"
Clock is said twice in the same sentence.
"His fiery rage tempered by the cold of the shadowy figure. Silence fell onto them, Light still staring with rage at the horned robe figure."
And then you use rage two times in a row. There are so many words for anger. It makes me furious that I have to tell you how to say you're pissed.

Sin Tally III:
"Light’s choler was rising to nearly his limit, barely able to raise his hand calmly to shake the other man’s hand. This thing has to be a blue drake, its just taunting me with its human form. I will destroy this creature in our fight and redeem myself to my god and show him of my worth."
Oh yes, I love jarring writing switches from third to first person.

Sin Tally IV:
"his hand was shaking with rage."
I'm just livid now.

Sin Tally V: So I heard you're getting shit about perspective switches. I don't hate them, I just think you did a bloody awful job at it.
So, suddenly going from third to first is bad. you can still do a viewpoint in third-person, that's a thing alot of us do.

Sin Tally VI: Your own character is portrayed well, Dracustos seems off, by alot. Please refer to what I said to Gen.

Sin Tally VII: "It retorted, the cold in his voice did nothing to cool down the rage in his words"
Displeasure, vexation, two more synonyms for you. Also, cool cool.

Sin Tally VIII:
I can't CnC anymore, you two have broken me.

My vote goes to Devi, I guess.

10-20-2015, 09:28 PM
Wow Malacal, it's like you're trying really hard to be Waffles, except you're not British.

In her defense, maybe the "I was kinda intimidated" bit was some form of banter, y'know, like "In all honesty, Omega, that actually landed on me. Good show!"

10-20-2015, 09:43 PM
These people have broken me and therefore I should break them. Eye for an Eye has never gone wrong, as we all know.
EDIT: And I would never want to be british. The only thing I'd wish to be is an octopus.

10-28-2015, 07:12 PM
Thats a wrap ladies and gentlemen, thank you everyone for voting and critiquing. We'll see you all in another battle I suppose.