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View Full Version : 80:6 vs Time Hunter Levi



The Organization
12-20-2015, 01:20 AM
http://i.imgur.com/kYgK8Wm.png
Deadline: 12/19/2015
Specifications:
750 word minimum, no maximum
Combatants:
Time Hunter Levi Magnus Strider (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?98100-Time-Hunter)
80: 6 (Paige Joshi) (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?97811-80-6-In-Combat)

IgnusBurns (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?269657-IgnusBurns)

An Unlikely Fight...
The wind blew through the wheat field, rustling the grain. Levi Strider stood, with his eyes closed, his head tilted back as the wind ruffled his hair. He wore his regular attire, a pair of cargo pants, a long sleeve blue shirt, and a pair of combat boots.
The first few days of being an RHG had been pretty boring, no one had come to challenge him in three days, so here he was, sitting in a wheat field, with nothing to do.
He sighed, and plopped down onto the ground, criss-cross applesauce style. Smoke curled around his legs, and he steadily floated off the ground, breathing in the fresh air as he did.

He’d been asked before, Hey Levi! If you can control smoke, does that make you a smoker? He’d respond simply, “No, I hate smoking…” He’d gotten quite sick of hearing that question, but he found it ironic that he got typhokinesis, he’d always hated the smell of cigarettes, and he later came to hate smoking when he was about fifteen. Mostly because that was the year his father had come to find he had lung cancer and he was going to die. So from that day onward, Levi had sworn to himself he’d never smoke, or let others smoke when he was around.

He stopped meditating, plopping back onto the ground as he did, the smoke dissipating. He rubbed his eyes, trying to wipe the memories away, along with the tears trying to escape his eyes.
He managed to stop himself from crying, looking behind him back towards Rock Hard City. He’d been living here for a few weeks now, and he hadn’t had any challengers yet.

That is… Until he got the text…

His phone went off in his pocket. He took it out and looked at it, a message from an unknown number flashed across the screen. It read: Hey, heard you wanted an RHG battle, I’ll oblige, meet me here for the fight... Under it was an address that Levi was pretty sure was located outside the city. Under the message read:
~Six

Levi raised an eyebrow at the text, then started towards the city to meet his unknown challenger...
***
The address was as Levi predicted. It was located about two miles outside the city, the building being a creepy, old, and generally run down abandoned warehouse.
The two main doors weren’t locked, so he entered, the wooden doors creaking loudly as he did, setting an even scarier mood in his mind…
Standing in the middle of the warehouses main floor stood a young woman…
She was rather short, maybe a little more than five feet, with black hair tied up in a loose braid with a blue bandanna.
Her eyes locked on him as he entered, and he was surprised to see her eyes were two different colors. The right being brown, and the left being amber. Her almond skin was exposed because of her black shirt, which left her shoulders exposed. She also wore a pair of ragged brown jeans.
Levi approached carefully, “Uh… I’m assuming you’re 6?” He asked curiously. She nodded, then said quietly, “And you’re going down too…”
Levi sighed, “I’m not going down without a fight. Y’know, I’ve heard about you a little bit 6, you have a pretty good record…”
She bowed her head respectfully, as did Levi, but as he did, 6 rushed forward, slamming her elbow into his face, sending him flying into a wall…

Levi fell to the ground, more shocked than hurt. He rubbed his jaw where she had hit him. It was sore.
Levi pondered this. 6 may have appeared small and weak, but in terms of strength, she was probably on par with him in terms of her tenacity, and so, he couldn’t doubt her other abilities as well.

He looked up just in time to see 6 rushing him with a one-handed curved sword. He rolled to the side as the blade sunk hilt deep into the wall where his face was.
He stood up just as she ripped her blade out of the wall. Levi’s eyes widened as he examined the blade. (From a safe distance.)
As previously mentioned, the blade was designed for use by one hand, and it had a shorter than average, curved blade. The metal the sword was made out of though, was covered in cracks. It was a wonder that the blade didn’t break when she stabbed the wall.

Levi stood up, and wreathed his arms in smoke. Six got into a ready stance, holding her one handed sword in front of her, with her other hand on her leg.
With unnatural speed, Six rushed forward, stabbing at his face. Levi managed to slow time just enough to smack the blade aside and rush her with a flurry of punches.

She managed somehow to avoid them all, and punched him in the chest, sending him skidding backwards. He peered up at her with anger, and shot the smoke on his arms at her in a barrage of projectiles
She sliced through the first few smokey bullets, but the fourth one hit her dead in the nose, sending her wheeling backwards. He took advantage of her temporary confusion and shot forward, dissipating into smoke.
As 6 looked up, Levi kicked her hard across the right cheek. He then jumped into the air, locked his legs around her head, twisted, and slammed her head into the ground.

He jumped to his feet, drew one of his kunai, about to stab her in the throat. But he was thrown off his feet when she swept her leg against his, and he found himself falling hard towards the floor. He thought fast, as he was about to hit the concrete, he curled his back. When he hit the ground, he put both palms of his hands on the floor, pushed himself off the ground, and spun, kicking his legs out. In an epic display of Levi’s dancing skills, dropkicked 6 in the face, sending her staggering backwards.

Levi took out his other kunai, twirled in his fingers, then rushed to finish her off, but as he was about to strike, a brilliant white light erupted around her, causing him to cover his eyes, when he did, he felt her sword pierce into his right shoulder and through his raised forearm, he screamed in pain, and instinctively lashed out, slamming his head into what he assumed was her face. She stumbled backward, letting go of her sword.

The light suddenly faded, and he put his left arm down. His right arm was starting to burn, considering it had a sword through it. He grabbed it with his unharmed arm, and pulled as hard as he could.
The sword obliged, and came free of his shoulder and forearm. He ripped of a piece of his shirt and bandaged both wounds, then turned his attention back to 6, who was lying on the ground.

He picked up his kunai, which he had dropped when he was stabbed, and hooked them back onto his belt. He walked over to 6, and raised the sword to stab her through.
But instead of hitting flesh, the blade struck the concrete.

Levi just couldn’t bring himself to kill her. He felt for her pulse, finding it, and assuming she was unconscious. He grabbed her bandanna, which had come loose during the fight, and tied it around the hilt of her sword. He stood up, attempting to memorize her face, so, if they met again, he would remember her.

He turned slowly, wincing in pain from his wounds, and made his way towards the exit.
He opened the warehouse’s doors, and found it was raining. He bowed his head, then walked into the storm, the rain staining his glasses…

If you guys were wondering what Levi did to 6 with that dance move, here’s the best example I could find, just imagine him doing this, with an added drop kick.
https://45.media.tumblr.com/bb08bff689880092ba6f731889126e47/tumblr_mj4f7ed7hf1ruuu4oo1_500.gif

The Organization (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?197384-The-Organization)Zero One:

The horizon lit up in a blaze as the Sun touched down, its bright glare dancing across the shimmering water. In its restlessness, the ocean stole the golden sand away from her bare feat, futilely trying to draw her in. As the wind began to pick up, kicking the waves up behind its heels, the woman’s grey cloak danced. Her blonde hair mostly wrapped into a ponytail, an incessant habit of hers, gently swayed in the breeze as well. Her violet eyes vacantly starred across the horizon, perhaps searching for something.

Kept you waiting, huh?

Turning around, she was met with a dark, hooded figure, the dim light of the sunset was only bright enough to light up her lips, full yet pale, as though all the blood had drained from her face. Deliberately, she held her hood down, bracing against the ceaseless wind.

“I’d prefer it if we spoke aloud.”

“Most people do…it’s quite troubling.”

“What would be troubling is if you woke the others up.”

The shadowy woman held her cloak and curtsied, “Milady.”

The blonde woman grimaced in annoyance, “Raise your head One, I’ve no time for your games.”

The shadow snickered as the woman turned back to the sea. The horizon was a brilliant lilac now with bright pink brush strokes streaking across it. “You used to, Acel.”

The woman was quick to correct her, “Cecilia.”

“Old habits die hard,” she conceded, poking fun at a certain choice of hairstyle, “Why did you summon me…Cecilia?”

Ignoring the snide comment, the woman brushed an errant blond strand from her face before answering. “You recently recruited a new Six…do you think this one is strong enough?”

“She’s talented, but it’s obvious she’s nowhere close to where we…where you need her to be.”

Cecilia knelt down as the golden crown of the sun was swallowed by the depths, grasping the cold white sand in her palms.

“How long?”

One pondered for but a moment, she didn’t want to underestimate her new recruit but forgoing her answer longer than necessary was not an option with regards to Cecelia.

“A year at most perhaps…”

Cecelia closed her fist and a disturbing crackling noise filled the air. As though she were a ventriloquist, her reply seemed disembodied, resonating with and yet splitting the air around her.

“That’s too long, One.”

Immediately, One dropped to her knees and bowed her head, “She’s only human, Milady! Any more could kill-“

In an instant, Cecelia was gone from the water’s edge and standing over One, her free hand wrapped around One’s throat. With that single hand, she effortless pulled her up, her eyes glowing golden.

“If she’s not ready in time, I’ll kill her myself.”

She dropped her and One collapsed to the ground, gasping for air. Cecelia did not even pay her another glance and began to walk away, dropping a small clear crystal on the ground.

“I expect to hear from you tomorrow One, I hear she has a fight tomorrow!” she called out as she left.

As the moon began to take its seat in the center of the night sky, its light became scatter across the moonlit beach by the gem of crystalized sand.


Four:

“Gah! This is totally hell!” whined Four as the relentless sun beat down her umbrella. She always preferred the cool, dark solitude of her inner sanctum, only lit by the soft dim light of computer monitors. Instead of the raucous waves assaulting her delicate ears as the crashed upon the cruel sand, she would rather be lulled to sleep by the silent whir of fans and clicks of hard drives being read. Truly, Pleasant Beach was a terrible destination.

“It’s not that hot all,” grumbled Six bored out of her mind, “It’s probably cause you’re wearing that silly dress.

“What would you know you stupid normalfag?! I’ll have you know this is top of the attire direct from France. I always where this set whenever I go out!”

“Normal- what?”

A tap on the shoulder prompted Six to turn back. Startled, she instinctively step back, the face of Four’s bland, uninspiring manservant, Wooster, greeted her.

“Please avoid discussing Miss’s garments and wardrobe. Despite rarely leaving the flat, she is very well versed in her knowledge and awareness of French and Japanese fashion trends. She takes great pride in it,” he pleaded.

Six rolled her eyes and folded her arms, her black scarf dancing to the tune of the serene wind.

“They’re here…” she remarked, completely ignoring Wooster.

A floating long haired woman surrounded by chains constantly streaming around her had reached the beach and begun to approach them. As she came closer, Six began to feel her blood boil with excitement. She could feel a radiant aura of power emanating from the chained woman, she was strong and she made no attempts to hide it. Behind her was a blonde boy with glasses who wasn’t really notable in anyway, Six paid him no mind.

“Maybe, this wasn’t a complete waste of time after all.”

Closer now, the silver haired woman softly floated to the ground, not a grain of sand shifting as she touched down. Her accomplice, a little ways back, rushed to catch up. Arms folded as well, she began to size Six up. Six shook with excitement as she felt the woman’s eyes brush up against her body.

“This shouldn’t take long.”

For a second, Six was taken a back. Was she being underestimated?

“HUH! You think you can take me just cause you float around?!”

The lady of chains widened her eyes in confusion. Suddenly, Six doubled back, clutching her sides. She tried to protest, but she had to catch her breath first.

“Deam Catena I presume? Sorry about my kid’s outburst, she’s really new to the whole thing,” apologized Four.

Despite not being very strong, Four’s punch completely caught Six off-guard, winding her for a crucial moment. Catena chuckled and shook Four’s outstretched hand.

“I am only here observe this young man fight. He wants to join our clan,” she revealed.

“Him…Really?” Six complained, still gasping for air.

“You didn’t read the dossier I gave you did you?” Four chuckled and then turned around signaling Wooster. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” she mocked as she walked to viewing benches.


Six:

Six was visibly displeased. Instead of fighting the chained witch, she had to play with this smiling idiot. Although, he didn’t look nearly as boring as Wooster, he still looked like a regular chump. Her old sensei, a terrible old fool, warned her to never underestimate her opponents, but he was probably dead in a ditch somewhere. Confidently, Six held up her hand fingers outstretched.

“This is how long this fight’s going to last. It’ll only take five minutes. You here?”

“Really now,” he joked, “I’m not sure you’ve got what it takes kid, I’m pretty strong ya know?”

This guy’s optimism was starting to become grating. “The name’s Levi, Levi Magnus Strider. What’s yours?”

“Tell you what if you manage to live to tell the tale, I tell you my name. Hell, I’ll even give you my number, you worthless maggot.”

Levi chuckled brushing his messy blonde hair back.

“You sure talk a big game, but let’s make this fight more interesting. If I win, you have to go on a date with me.”

“Ok,” scoffed Six, “A deal then.”

Levi took his glasses off and polished them with his sword. “You really don’t want anything, if you win?”

“What can a dead man give me?” Six asked, cracking her fists.
“Fair enough, but this won’t be as easy as you think.” As Levi took his stance, Six felt his seriousness blow through the wind. The silly smirk on his face was replaced by intense focus.

In response, an evil grin drew itself upon Six’s lips, “That’s good, that’s the perfect face you should be making.” A powerful white aura erupted from Six’s body as she began to use Empower.

“Anything else would be boring!” she called out racing towards Levi.

The sand burst into the air as Six slammed down upon Levi. The attack was brute and without technique, but for the likes of someone like him, technique was unnecessary. Instead of soft Levi bits though, all she felt was sand. Instinctively, she glanced to side to see a fast approaching round house kick. Just as swiftly as Levi dodged, Six rolled, the kick completely swinging over her head as she landed on her feet and deftly popped back up like a spring.

Despite having the advantage though Levi still did not approach and instead waited till Six ran up to him again.

What a gentleman. What an idiot!

Laughing, Six kicked up the sand right into Levi’s face. What she didn’t see coming, was the dark plume of smoke that erupted in front of his face shielding him from the sand.

“You’re gonna have to do better than-“, suddenly Levi was sent careening into the Sand. Stealing the initiative, Six had quickly flanked him and elbowed him to the side of the face. Barely landing on his feet, Levi began to breathe heavily.

“That was…rude,” he panted.

“Tired already?” mocked Six, completely ignoring him.

“Not…even close!”

Suddenly, Six felt an entirely new presence enter Levi’s body. Strangely, it felt like him, or rather two of him in the same body. Charging at Six widely, she sensed his increase in power and responded accordingly. The powerful white aura returned once again increasing Six's speed.

Levi punched again but it was slow and Six easily dodged, instead throwing hundreds of punches at Levi's abdomen. Unfazed, he slammed down on top of hit, striking her straight into the sand. A powerful blow for sure, but Six managed to land on her hands.

In a one fluid motion she swung her legs around and knocked Levi off his feet. Catching her footing, she slapped her elbow into Levi's chest sending him careening towards the water.

Just as Six's power aura burst apart from its time limit, the extra presence left Levi too leaving him a broken shell.

"Is that it?" laughed Six, "How disappointing.

"That's what I get...for holding back," he admitted slowly pulling himself up off the beach, his pants laced with sand, "I can't afford to make that mistake again!"

Suddenly, a plume of smoke erupted around Levi and launched straight at her. Immediately recognizing the danger, Six futilely back stepped but the smoke easily flanked and then engulfed her. Instantly, the wind was knocked out of her lungs. Her throat burned as the thick black smoke forced its way down it.

In response to the imminent danger, Six revealed her own trump card. A burst of dark energy released from a body, evaporating the smoke as it did. Despite being high noon, the sky darkened as though in an eclipse.

"Nice trick."

"I could say...the same thing to you," wheezed Levi, barely standing.

"I'm surprised," said Six as she calmly approached her defeated opponent, "I didn't think you would force me to use this, but in the end, the result will be the same. Holding her arm outstretched, in a burst of light, her blade Falcone appeared in her hand.

How boring...

As she held up the blade to attack though, she noticed a glint in Levi's eyes.

"Not yet"

In an instant, Levi leapt back and flicked his wrists, a blur of silver leapt from his hands and toward Six's neck. Instinctively, she parried with her own blade, but it instantly shattered. In response, the kunai Levi had thrown had broken as well.

But she was still shocked that he still had some fight in him left, which was why she didn't notice the second one he threw piercing her in the left of her stomach.

Surprised and in pain, Six doubled back, losing focus and dropping the veil of darkness that covered the battlefield.

Just as it did, Levi's smoke began to rematerialize around him and he acted quickly to prevent her counter. This time he solidified his smoke and formed them into numerous Kunai all rocketing toward her in an instant.

Six leapt out of the way once more. Pain shot up her arms and legs as tendons were torn by the sharp blades, but she narrowly managed to avoid most of them as they plunged into the sand. But they were just a distraction. A plume of smoke suddenly burst forth from under her, capturing her once again. Knowing it has worked once before, Six used Expel one more time.

Exactly what Levi was counting on. Materializing out of the disappearing smoke, Levi struck Six with his last Kunai plunging it deep into her heart.

"It looks like...you we're better than I expected," she admitted, "I can't believe...you made me resort to something like this."

Despite what Levi thought, he had actually stabbed her right shoulder, somehow he had missed!

A powerful white aura once again flood her body and danced upon her skin. With her right armed she latched on to Levi, burying the blade deeper and pulling him closer.

"Fist of the Water Dragon. Reflecting Snare."

Six slammed her free hand into Levi's Elbow, a sickening crack rung throughout the beach as his arm bent inwards. Wracked with pain, Levi instinctively fell forward and was met by a powerful knee to the chest that immediately broke two of his ribs. Finally, she let go of his arm and slammed him with her fists locked down to the ground as he fell, throwing the sand up around him.

Six once again lost the aura as she pulled the Kunai out of her shoulder, gritting her teeth as she did so.

"Just when it was starting to get good," she remarked feigning her own exhaustion. When she tried to take a step though, she simply fell back and landed on her butt. Six futilely ordered her muscles to pull her up but they refused to listen. To her surprise she had overexerted her self as well.

Six fell back completely, hair spread out completely across the sand.

"I guess I owe you that number don't I?"
All constructive criticism is welcome and encouraged.

PLEASE give a reason why you voted the way you did even if you can't give a "proper" CNC. Its necessary for our growth as writers.

IgnusBurns
12-20-2015, 08:46 AM
Well, here we go. CnC for Org? I got nothing... Your buildup to the fight was very well written, as was the fight.
This was my first wRHG battle, so please don't hate, I tried my best, but I get the feeling I'm going to lose. XD
Anyway, nice job Organization! Your story was very well written and I enjoyed battling you!
Also, I liked the ending to your fight, very clever.

Malacal
12-20-2015, 07:50 PM
Sin I
"He’d been asked before, Hey Levi! If you can control smoke, does that make you a smoker? He’d respond simply, “No, I hate smoking…” He’d gotten quite sick of hearing that question, but he found it ironic that he got typhokinesis, he’d always hated the smell of cigarettes, and he later came to hate smoking when he was about fifteen. Mostly because that was the year his father had come to find he had lung cancer and he was going to die. So from that day onward, Levi had sworn to himself he’d never smoke, or let others smoke when he was around."
This sounds forced. You would actually do much better without the "he'd respond simply 'No, I hate smoking.'" Seriously, read it without, it flows much better and feels much less like a stupid, random flashback. Now it just feels like a random flashback.
"The two main doors weren’t locked, so he entered, the wooden doors creaking loudly as he did, setting an even scarier mood in his mind…"
Ehhh, also seems very forced. In fact, it also works out better if you remove the last clause. Remember, show, don't tell.

Through either laziness, or you actually being half decent, I fail to see any more sins you committed.
When I'm not at a family gathering I'll read Org's

Sin I
You have... alot of dialog. It isn't necessarily bad to have lots of dialog, but doing it wrong is a most grievous sin. You have moments where characters will talk and not move, stir, observe, or anything. They sit/float/lay like statues. It needs to be more separated. Like, have them do shit in between things of dialog as opposed to idle banter between characters

Sin II
"Her old sensei, a terrible old fool"
*groan*

Sin III
"A powerful white aura erupted from Six’s body as she began to use Empower."
I REALLY shouldn't have to review your character to know what's going on.

Sin IV
Your combat feels like a JRPG or a pokemon battle. It's all back and forth counters and last resorts and special abilities galore. Super effective, it's not very effective. There's no movement, no bystander interaction, no utilization of the beach environment. Nope, back and forth swings.


While Ignus had some very awkward and dumb moments in his writing, it was overall decent. The Org's story felt flat and had unholy amounts of pointless pointless dialog to bog me down. Ignus' fight was also more entertaining to play out in my head.
So for what is probably the first time ever in a Vet vs. New guy battle, I'm voting for the new guy.

The Organization
12-23-2015, 01:58 AM
Sin I
You have... alot of dialog. It isn't necessarily bad to have lots of dialog, but doing it wrong is a most grievous sin. You have moments where characters will talk and not move, stir, observe, or anything. They sit/float/lay like statues. It needs to be more separated. Like, have them do shit in between things of dialog as opposed to idle banter between characters
I disagree with that assessment. The only time characters are static is during direct back and forth when describing what they were doing would slow the pace drastically. They aren't ever idle.
When One and Cecilia are talking, Cecelia is starting at the ocean, brushing hair from her face, playing with the sand, and later crushing the sand and choking One in response to what she said.
One is also curtsying, holding her cowl, and dropping to her knees after being choked.

When Four, Six, Wooster, and Catena are talking there is a ton of interaction as well.

I admit there is a lot of dialog, but I think it's varied: dialogue(back/forth) blocks, broken with action, single lines, broken by action, no dialogue at all, etc. Having just single lines broken by dialogue kills the fluidity IMO, since putting a break is unnatural if the person wouldn't pause in a conversation like that.


Sin II
"Her old sensei, a terrible old fool"
The repetition was intentional, in order to stress her perspective on her sensei.

Sin III
"A powerful white aura erupted from Six’s body as she began to use Empower."
I REALLY shouldn't have to review your character to know what's going on.
I agree to a point, but simply from the context I think it should be clear that its simply a power up identified by the white aura.

Sin IV
Your combat feels like a JRPG or a pokemon battle. It's all back and forth counters and last resorts and special abilities galore. Super effective, it's not very effective. There's no movement, no bystander interaction, no utilization of the beach environment. Nope, back and forth swings.
My intention with the fight itself was for it to be one sided, but only close because Six under estimated Levi. The only advantage he had was his Kunai.
To summarize the fight:
Six rushes Levi, Immediately using Empower [Power Boost]
Levi dodges it with Brain Freeze, the missed punch sends sand into the air hiding him
Rather than countering, Levi waits
Six kicks sand into his face, but Levi blocks it with smoke
Six attacks him from the other side (at this point, Levi has still yet to attack)
He then uses Brain Storm, which changes halves his intelligence, the normally observant and calm Levi is now a lot more aggressive, and now he attacks Six
Six uses empower again as a response to Levi's power increase, but he is so slow she dodges and punches him x 100 in the stomach
He shrugs it off, not because he doesn't take damage or some magical resistance, but because of Brain Freeze's mental effects (after he returns to normal he's heavily wounded/exhausted)
He slams her into the ground, but because of Six's acrobatic skills she can counter by tripping him and elbowing him again.
Since he can no longer fight physical he relies on his smoke. Six sees it coming and tries to avoid it, but the smoke catches her anyway (its fast).
This is the first time Six is actually threaten by Levi, the entire 1st half of the fight, Six had the complete advantage.
I say trump card to imply that this is Levi's last resort, sans the kunai which I will explain in a moment.
Despite overpowering him by spamming Empower, Six was only using half her arsenal because she also underestimated him.
To dissipate the smoke, she uses Expel which is her other standard technique.
This effectively neutralizes Levi's smoke, so once again Six has the complete advantage.
At this point, Levi has no viable moves left, and Six is only winded from that last attack. Its completely one sided.
She summons her sword to finish him off, but then Levi uses his Kunai to counter only because she had summoned her sword had she not, it would've ended right there
Since Levi has 2, one is broken mutually with Falcone and the other pierces her body. (Six has no other defense against projectiles)
Six actually takes damage and drops Expel in shock, allowing Levi to make a comeback and use his smoke again.
She's only taken damage because sans, Levi's Brain Freeze hit, she hasn't even been hit yet
She drops Expel in shock, because she hasn't been wounded until now and she was underestimating him

He realizes this weakness of hers and uses Smoke Kunai's and his Regular smoke forcing her to use Expel again, it wasn't a counter at all.
He planed this and then stabbed her with her reclaimed Kunai.
Six is forced to use Fist of Mireu to stop this attack and finishes him off (This would be the only real special technique/ability, since everything else are both character's standard tools)

Perhaps it seemed back and forth because of the pace, in terms of the swing of battle though its nearly completely one sided for Six, so I disagree with saying its back/forth or special abilities galore.

Every action/reaction is derived from each character's personality.
Since Six is aggressive and wants to end the battle quickly, she uses Empower from the get go and pummels Levi. She only uses Expel to cancel out his smoke powers cause she can't physically fight that. Since the sword isn't practical offensively, she only uses it because she believes she's already won. And she only uses the Fist of Mireu(a style of counter attack), because of Levi's sneak attack.

Conversely, Levi starts with martial arts as well, but is more self conscious and observant so he tries to parry most of it. He uses Brain Storm b/c he is being over powered, but when that runs out he realizes he already physically exhausted. And relies on his smoke cause, he only uses Kunai when the opponent draws his weapons. Since Six disables his smoke, he has nothing till she pulls out her sword, then he uses his Kunai.

As for bystander interaction, aside from Catena, Four, and Wooster who are only observing, the beach is empty. I will admit I should've have described that in more detail. But I don't think Catena would've done anything cause she's only there because Levi is trying out for the clan. Four doesn't do anything because she can't fight, that's why Six is surprised when Four's punch actually hurts.

With regard to environment usage, both Six and Levi use the Sand to disguise their attacks, and Six tries to blind Levi with it as well.


I don't agree with your assessment, but it does point out some major deficiencies that I had. Thanks for the CNC.

@Those who voted, but did not post
PLEASE give a reason why you voted the way you did even if you can't give a "proper" CNC. Its necessary for our growth as writers.

Canis Majoris
12-23-2015, 07:35 AM
It's*
For me, Org's story felt a bit more fluid when it came to the battle. The story leading up to it wasn't as memorable as Ignus's, but the former's battle got me on the edge of my seat a bit more. The latter's battle was hard for me to play out in my head. Therefore, I gave out my vote to Org. But keep at it, both of you, though short, both of your stories were entertaining.

Malacal
12-23-2015, 09:00 AM
Dangit, I hate when people respond to my CnC instead of silently thinking that I'm wrong, it means I have to respond.
Okay, you have breaks in dialog and some examples in the story are actually really good. However, alot of times the breaks don't really amount to anything at all. Especially when you attempt to get into a a characters thoughts. In fact, let's make another sin.
Sin V
You often times have moments, especially in the middle of dialog, where you say the character is confused. Or maybe they're finding another person's actions grating. But, there is an extreme lack of introspection. What are the character's thoughts? Sure she's confused, and it's sometimes very clear why, but how about have sections in between dialog explaining how... oh fuck it, I can't tell people how to improve, I can only tell them how they're wrong. Basically, explore the characters thoughts and not the emotion. It creates more of that "Show, don't tell" thing they teach you at school. If you read the Dresden Files, they're a great example of going in depth with how the character is thinking and his emotions just carry right along with it naturally.

In response to your response to Sin II. Use a different word then. Ancient, crotchety, senile, curmudgeonly, etc.

And on Sin IV, how is that not a JRPG? When I say back and forth I mean they fight like it's a turn based combat. Maybe sometimes they skip turns in order to prepare defensive actions, but it's still "Blegh does X, it's not very effective" and then "Blub does Y, it's not very effective" and then the fights moves on to later have critical super effective hits.
The fight is just kinda... flat. I will admit I got bored and missed the sand interactions, but what about running for tactical positions, working from debilitating injuries, just... something to make the individual attacks mean more.

The Organization
12-23-2015, 10:22 AM
It's*
The story leading up to it wasn't as memorable as Ignus's, but the former's battle got me on the edge of my seat a bit more.
Chp 1 or 2? I intended chp 1 to describe the beach and provide additional context for Six, while chp 2 establishes why she fights the way she does in chp 3

Dangit, I hate when people respond to my CnC instead of silently thinking that I'm wrong, it means I have to respond.
;)
Okay, you have breaks in dialog and some examples in the story are actually really good. However, alot of times the breaks don't really amount to anything at all. Especially when you attempt to get into a a characters thoughts. In fact, let's make another sin.
Sin V
I agree w/ this but not on replacing emotions with thoughts but by showing or elaborating more on reactions like this "The lady of chains widened her eyes" instead of this "...in confusion"

And on Sin IV, how is that not a JRPG? When I say back and forth I mean they fight like it's a turn based combat. Maybe sometimes they skip turns in order to prepare defensive actions, but it's still "Blegh does X, it's not very effective" and then "Blub does Y, it's not very effective" and then the fights moves on to later have critical super effective hits.
The fight is just kinda... flat. I will admit I got bored and missed the sand interactions, but what about running for tactical positions, working from debilitating injuries, just... something to make the individual attacks mean more.
I cant help it if you didnt like the fight, but I still can't see how its JRPGish or formulaic, some examples perhaps?Granted Six is using Basic attacks until the end, when the "critical super effective" is just the addition of martial arts technique is the only difference, I fail to see how any attack is "not effective". Even with Levi, the only 4 hits he landed wounded Six significantly.

Levi relies on smoke for the second half b/c he's physically hurt/exhausted, is that not working from debilitating injuries?

I will admit the Beach was chosen for simplicities sake, no places to hide or get a tactical advg, but even then it wouldnt make sense considering either characters motivations and conditions.

Six wanted to end the fight quickly and was using brute force, the only time she would prioritize positioning is when dodging projectiles, which she did.

By the time Levi realizes he needs a tactical advg, he couldnt have moved into one if he tried. He creates one using his smoke to keep her at range.

If I seem defensive, I apologize. I'm not saying you're wrong I'm just trying to work out how my text leads to that conclusion

Draou
12-23-2015, 11:01 AM
Dang, both of yours were awesome, but I just gotta give my vote to Organization... that fight was just absolutely fantastic. Ignus had a really really good story that fit well together, but Organization had some amazingly striking points that bumped it up for it slightly. This makes me want to make a wRHG... XD . Nice job guys.