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IgnusBurns
01-02-2016, 10:26 AM
Well, TheChosenGamer challenged me to a wRHG battle last week. The due date was today, 01/02/16. Please judge fairly and give us a reason why you voted for who. CnC is appreciated! Now... May the best writer win!

((And Yes... I did two battles within a day of the others, I gotta go fast!))

An Unlikely Opponent
It was any other day…
Birds chirping, the sun shining, and a slight breeze ruffling Levi’s blonde hair. He sat on the top of a hill, listening the sound of nature and the sounds of Rock Hard City in the distance.

He extended his arm, holding up his palm. Smoke billowed from his skin, forming a small, compressed ball of it.
He closed his hand, snuffing out the smoke. Standing up, he dusted off his shirt and turned to go back home, but, seeing an approaching figure, he stayed where he was and waited.

The person approaching seemed to be male, Levi observed. Raising an eyebrow at their attire. Worn out jeans and a hooded shirt that covered most of his head. Over his face he wore an interesting mask that had some type of ancient script on it.

He nodded his head to the stranger, “May I help you, sir?” He asked.
The man didn’t reply.
Levi tilted his head, then went “Awww…” In recognition. “You’re here for the RHG battle aren’t you?” He asked, smiling.

The man nodded his head, saying, “Indeed. I’m Maguma, I’m assuming you are Levi?” He asked.
Levi nodded, “I am him. I hope you’re ready to lose, Maguma…” He said confidently.

Magmua bowed his head respectfully, “May the best fighter win…” He said humbly.
***
They stood, the wind rustling Levi’s hair, the wind making Maguma’s hood waver.

Levi took a step forward, smoke starting to billow around his right arm.
He then leapt into the air, bringing his right fist down to try and smash Magmua’s face in.
He rolled to the side, avoiding the blow. Levi rushed to the side, striking him in the face with a swift kick, he staggered backward, gripping his jaw.
He swept a leg under him, attempting to throw him off his feet. But before his foot Maguma’s leg, he turned into a solid obsidian figure, and Levi’s leg slammed into the hard substance.

Even though it hurt to kick solid obsidian, he managed to shatter both of his lower legs. Maguma fell flat on his face. Levi brought his leg down to smash the back of his head, but he managed to grab his ankle. His fingers started growing spikes, piercing into Levi’s skin, “Ow, ow, OW!!” He yelled.
Maguma heaved, and threw Levi over ten feet into the air. He twisted mid-flight, making sure his feet were heading towards the ground first.
He managed to land on his feet, but instantly stumbled from the sudden flood of pain in his right ankle. He stood still, not moving his bad ankle, then looked back at his opponent.

Maguma was struggling to stand up because… Well… Levi had just smashed his obsidian legs to pieces…
He unhooked his one kunai from his belt and hurled it at him.
Maguma saw the blade flying at him, and raised his arms to protect his face. The knife bounced off his armor. Levi growled, and his kunai flew back to his hands, smoke curling off the hilt.

His opponent looked at him curiously, then all at once, melted into a pool of lava! No seriously! A pool of molten rock! Levi walked over, watching the magma bubbling up and popping.

Suddenly, a human hand erupted from the pool and punched him in the face, sending him flying backwards.
He landed on his butt, clutching his nose in shock. Looking towards the magma pool, it slowly floated off the ground, turning into a humanoid shape and solidifying into his original human form.

Levi got up shakily, “Nice tricks, you’re more entertaining than Six…” He exclaimed. Magmua laughed quietly, “I have yet to see what you can do Levi…” He said quietly as well. He nodded, “Welp, you asked for this!”

Levi dissipated into smoke, reforming behind Magmua. He leaped into the air, dropkicking him in the back. He careened forwards, and Levi jumped into the air again, grappling his head with his feet. He twisted, and Magmua’s head slammed into the ground.

Levi stood up, and jumped on top of him, holding his Kunai to his throat. “Do you yield?” He asked him.
Magmua sighed, “I yield…”
“Good!” Levi said cheerfully.
He got up and offered Magmua his hand, he took it willingly. Levi bowed his head, then started walking back towards the city, like he’d planned a few minutes ago...



The nice, peaceful, atmosphere of the grasslands has become a fierce, deadly battleground for two fighters. As they exchange hits with each other, the strong winds seemed to give at the presence of the RHG fighters, Maguma and Levi. Powerful balls of glowing magma came from the hands of Maguma, however each blast were being deflected by Levi with a mighty sweep of his foot. His face doesn’t show the least bit of pain. As the fight went on the, intensity grows, and the two having the same thought crossed their minds: outsmart the other. Levi ran towards his opponent with both hands at his back. ‘We both have the brawn, but I have the brains’ he silently said in his mind. Moments passed by, Levi gains momentum as he went for the offensive, and then leaps forward holding a kunai with one hand. Maguma began to move for his next strategy. Levi landed right next to Maguma and did a sweeping motion with his hand holding the kunai. With Maguma’s reflexes, he was able to strafe sideways, however, Levi was expecting that move and so he points a palm towards Maguma and a strong gust of smoke came out. Maguma was able to swiftly shift to his lava pool just where Levi was about to land. Levi’s intelligence got him just in the nick of time, he threw his kunai at the ground where Maguma, in his lava state, is waiting and Levi stand atop the kunai with one foot. Maguma quickly went out of the pool for another offensive strike. He fired three magma balls, all going towards Levi. The timehunter moved leapt sideways to avoid being hit, however he just made a mistake he couldn’t correct, or can he? The magma balls intersected just where Levi was a second ago and hit each other. They split into nine different direction, one going straight towards Levi. ‘You’re mine’ this is what’s on Maguma’s mind as one of his attack is about to collide. As the magma ball was a millimeter away from Levi’s face, ‘Brain Freeze!’ he shouted and everything came to an instant halt. He landed over the tall grasses and deactivated his Brain Freeze. The Magma Balls went everywhere burning trees and grasses. ‘No! This is why I don’t like to fight in grassy areas! Forgive me Mother Nature!’ Maguma said out loud. ‘If you don’t like to burn your precious grasses and trees, why don’t we do this hand to hand?’ Levi offered. ‘I agree’ Maguma replied back. As he said these words, he instantly shifted to his obsidian form and Levi covered himself to what looks like, armor, made from smoke. ‘I got two minutes at most, I have to finish this now.’ Levi said to himself. The two clashes and shockwaves of heavy hits erupted from the two. The sounds of thunder could be heard from their fight, exchanging and blocking hits. Neither one shows exhaustion or weakening. They striked each other’s guts, their chest, they spit out blood as they go. Finally, they punched each other right on the cheeks, nobody seems to give, they keep pushing each others with their fist. ‘You’re pretty good’ Levi said between grunts. ‘I could not expect less’ Maguma replied. ‘I’m afraid I have to finish our little playtime here’ as Levi said those words, he quickly turned into a cloud of smoke and went inside Maguma. He fell to his knees, he couldn’t breathe, he was being choked. ‘Surrender now, or I won’t go out of your body.’ Levi threatened inside of Maguma. ‘Not today!’ Maguma said in between gasps. ‘Do you really want to die! I don’t really kill people in these battles, you just have to surrender’ Levi replied. However deep inside, Levi feels he needs to make Maguma surrender, he can only be a cloud of smoke for twenty seconds, he has already wasted five. ‘Surrender now!’ Levi threatened in an even more menacing tone. Ten seconds left. ‘I’ve already died once, I’m not afraid of anything now.’ Maguma answered. Five seconds left. ‘I’ll never surrender!’ Maguma shouted at the top of his lungs. Two seconds left. The cloud of smoke have left Maguma’s body, he took a big gasp of air and exhaled in relief. ‘Sigh, I give up’ Levi said. ‘So, you’re limitation is twenty second am I right?’ Maguma replied. ‘You were counting?’ asked Levi. ‘Of course I am’ Maguma answered. ‘I thank you for the victory, but there’s something I still have to do.’ Maguma said to Levi. ‘What is it?’ he asked. Maguma raised up his arms and an earthquake was felt in the area. Storm clouds approached Maguma’s location. The cloud brought out a heavy rain that hardened the scattered lava and extinguished the fires. The cloud rolled away as Maguma brought down his arms. ‘Awesome, you really can control nature’ Levi complimented. ‘It has been a nice battle, but it looks like I lost’ he added. The two shook hands with each other and went on their separate ways.

TheChosenGamer
01-02-2016, 07:06 PM
Dude, you spelt it wrong. Maguma not Maugma

IgnusBurns
01-02-2016, 11:33 PM
Dude, you spelt it wrong. Maguma not Maugma

Welp, that's what I get for speed reading over your dude at the start. My bad, changed the title, couldn't change the Poll part. Again, my bad... :/

SorrowfulRage
01-03-2016, 01:20 AM
Let me get a go at this. Sorry if Im terrible at this but 1. Im a newbie myself and 2. I'm using my crappy phone to do this. I'm also a little distracted. Let's get on with it!

Hello Ignus! Starting with you.


An Unlikely Opponent
It was any other day…
Birds chirping, the sun shining, and a slight breeze ruffling Levi’s blonde hair. He sat on the top of a hill, listening the sound of nature and the sounds of Rock Hard City in the distance.

He extended his arm, holding up his palm. Smoke billowed from his skin, forming a small, compressed ball of it.
He closed his hand, snuffing out the smoke. Standing up, he dusted off his shirt and turned to go back home, but, seeing an approaching figure, he stayed where he was and waited.

The person approaching seemed to be male, Levi observed. Raising an eyebrow at their attire. Worn out jeans and a hooded shirt that covered most of his head. Over his face he wore an interesting mask that had some type of ancient script on it.

He nodded his head to the stranger, “May I help you, sir?” He asked.
The man didn’t reply.
Levi tilted his head, then went “Awww…” In recognition. “You’re here for the RHG battle aren’t you?” He asked, smiling.

The man nodded his head, saying, “Indeed. I’m Maguma, I’m assuming you are Levi?” He asked.
Levi nodded, “I am him. I hope you’re ready to lose, Maguma…” He said confidently.

Magmua bowed his head respectfully, “May the best fighter win…” He said humbly.

What? You said that Levi was about to go home but later on say that he was expecting Maguma. That's a little contradictory isn't it? Not sure how to put this right now but I think you get what I mean. I'll get back to this when Im on a proper computer.

They stood, the wind rustling Levi’s hair, the wind making Maguma’s hood waver. You used wind twice in a sentence. This repetitiveness goes on quite a bit during the story. You use the exact same word twice or more in a sentence/paragraph/following paragraph and it doesn't look pretty.


Levi took a step forward, smoke starting to billow around his right arm.
He then leapt into the air, bringing his right fist down to try and smash Magmua’s face in.
He rolled to the side, avoiding the blow. Levi rushed to the side, striking him in the face with a swift kick, he staggered backward, gripping his jaw.
He swept a leg under him, attempting to throw him off his feet. But before his foot Maguma’s leg, he turned into a solid obsidian figure, and Levi’s leg slammed into the hard substance.

Even though it hurt to kick solid obsidian, he managed to shatter both of his lower legs. Maguma fell flat on his face. Levi brought his leg down to smash the back of his head, but he managed to grab his ankle. Right there. Again. Try expanding a bit of the vocabulary. Use synonyms. I do this a lot(unknowingly) actually so don't feel too bad.



He twisted mid-flight, making sure his feet were heading towards the ground first.
He managed to land on his feet, but instantly stumbled from the sudden flood of pain in his right ankle. He stood still, not moving his bad ankle, then looked back at his opponent. Lots of "He"s. I'll get back to this.



Maguma was struggling to stand up because… Well… Levi had just smashed his obsidian legs to pieces…
He unhooked his one kunai from his belt and hurled it at him.
Maguma saw the blade flying at him, and raised his arms to protect his face. The knife bounced off his armor. Levi growled, and his kunai flew back to his hands, smoke curling off the hilt.

His opponent looked at him curiously, then all at once, melted into a pool of lava! No seriously! A pool of molten rock! Levi walked over, watching the magma bubbling up and popping. I appreciate the effort to make it seem lively and interactive or whatever but it's a little odd. From serious narrative thing to this. Still ^.^

back to the He/him thing. You use it a lot in a paragraph. I know, you have too. But it gets really confusing. Sometimes, I wonder who you're referring to. Let me show you. (returning to this section)

Levi took a step forward, smoke starting to billow around his right arm.
He then leapt into the air, bringing his right fist down to try and smash Magmua’s face in.
He rolled to the side, avoiding the blow. Levi rushed to the side, striking him in the face with a swift kick, he staggered backward, gripping his jaw.
He swept a leg under him, attempting to throw him off his feet. But before his foot Maguma’s leg, he turned into a solid obsidian figure, and Levi’s leg slammed into the hard substance.
here, is one of the most muddling parts. Can't tell if you're talking about Mgnus dodging or who's attacking and the like.

That's it! You can breathe a sigh of relief. It's Gamer's turn.
For some reason, it feels very short and rushed. I don't know if it's because you didn't have any backup when you sent your part to Ignus, and he accidentally lost it so unfortunately you had to rewrite everything and send it back to him or (big breath) you just didn't have enough time OR you were just lazy.
There aren't any paragraphs so it looks like a wall of text. Your English needs a little bit of work(but then again, I'm not that great in that language too).


The nice, peaceful, atmosphere of the grasslands has become a fierce, deadly battleground for two fighters. As they exchange hits with each other, the strong winds seemed to give at the presence of the RHG fighters, Maguma and Levi. Its abrupt. I have no idea what's going on. It wouldn't hurt to ease into it just a little.

I have to hand this one to Ignus. His, in my opinion, was well written. Well done to both of you! You and me next Ignus. Watch out.

Crank
01-03-2016, 03:37 AM
Any chance you can take TheChosenGamerís story out of the quotes? Itís a little distracting. Thanks!

IgnusBurns:

I havenít read the story yet, but before I do, I want to address this:

((And Yes... I did two battles within a day of the others, I gotta go fast!))

Donít ever be ashamed if you canít get something done in a day. Things develop and evolve as they sit in your mind over time, and what seems like an awesome idea now may look ridiculous after you get over the initial hype of having a new idea. I have no idea how many times Iíve scrapped something I was excited about coming up with because it ended up making no sense after I slept on it. Again, not saying you did this, because at sentence in, I really donít know yet.

Aaaand moving into the actual story, letís start with setting the scene. You said it was a day like any other, but your bullet points actually sounded pretty tender.

Birds chirping, the sun shining, and a slight breeze ruffling Leviís blonde hair. He sat on the top of a hill, listening the sound of nature and the sounds of Rock Hard City in the distance.

Is life really that tranquil for him, or is this dull to him? Either way, the best way to showcase either is to take it out of list form. Something youíll hear a lot here is show, not tell. Basically, use the senses to paint a picture of beauty or create chaos on your canvas.

The shrieking birds felt like drills in his ears as he took cover in the shadow of the tall oak, hiding from the sun plotting to sear his corneas. The only saving grace was the gentle breeze, cooling his face from the radiating heat and ruffling his blonde hair, light to the point that it almost looked bleached in the direct sunlight. The heat almost felt like his own fault in a way, as if the extra couple hundred feet from the hill got him close enough to the sun to make a difference, but going back to the city seemed to be an even worse option. Smoke in the distance tainted the crisp blue sky, and the roar of sirens somehow still reached him in his isolation.

The same can be said as you introduce characters, as Maguma is pretty bare bones as well. In all fairness a quick check revealed that you didnít have much information to work with, but you can still add details of your own.

The next thing that I want to address are your dot dot dots. Going off your ďsaid confidentlyĒ, Iím not entirely sure how they sound. For the most part, theyíre used when sentences are kinda fading away, like when you have rough news to tell someone, or youíre searching for the word on the tip of your tongue.

http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/ellipses.aspĒ]ďEllipses (Ē[url) can express hesitation, changes of mood, suspense, or thoughts trailing off. Writers also use ellipses to indicate a pause or wavering in an otherwise straightforward sentence.Ē[/url]

With your combat, you have a lot of ďThis happened, then this happened nextĒ. It kinda comes across like an old fighting game where blows are independent of the preceding strike. What connects the attacks? Add a bit of flow to your combat and itíll improve greatly.

He then leapt into the air, bringing his right fist down to try and smash Magmuaís face in.
He rolled to the side, avoiding the blow. Levi rushed to the side, striking him in the face with a swift kick, he staggered backward, gripping his jaw.
He swept a leg under him, attempting to throw him off his feet. But before his foot Magumaís leg, he turned into a solid obsidian figure, and Leviís leg slammed into the hard substance.

He then leapt into the air, bringing his right fist down to try and smash Magumaís face in, but his enemy rolled to the side, avoiding the blow as Leviís fit skid along the grass upon landing. Planting his right foot down hard, the time hunter managed a swift pivot and dashed at the lava man. Before the man could recover from his roll, Levi felt wind rush against his body as he spun abruptly, lifting his leg high and feeling his shin bash into skull. The impact rocked Maguma to his core, struggling to stay standing as he staggered back, but with all the elegance of a ballerina, Levi turned his three-sixty into a seven-twenty, closing the distance created with another step while he ducked his body down, following up with a devastating sweep.

Despite his disorientation however, Maguma was able to anticipate the blow. In a black flash, flesh converted to obsidian, but even his best defense proved not to be enough.

The next thing Iíd like to address is this:

His opponent looked at him curiously, then all at once, melted into a pool of lava! No seriously! A pool of molten rock!

This honestly felt pretty out of nowhere. Up until now, this is an unbiased third person perspective, and then our narrator almost becomes a character in their own right. Itís distracting and doesnít really fit in. Maybe it wouldíve felt fine in first person, but here it halts the flow and buildup you have. If youíd like to show the shock of something, show it on the face of the person who doesnít expect it. This is why when youíre watching TV itíll cut away from a person doing something and to someone flinching from it, or something along those lines.

His opponent looked at him curiously, then all at once, melted into a pool of lava. Levi wasnít one to drink, but in that moment as his jaw dropped and eyes swelled open, heíd felt as though heíd soloed an entire keg of moonshine.

The final thing Iíd like to address is that your ending almost lacked purpose. People remember the ending of stories best, so give your a reason to linger in their mind. Did the fight change his schedule at all, or is there any reason why the events matter?

All in all though, not bad! Youíre still new to this so itís a fair place to be, but you could use a lot more fleshing out. Donít be afraid to take more time on your stories and fill them with details like a balloon with air. Itíll take a bit to really get down, but once you do, youíll see dramatic improvement in your work, and weíll be able to take it from there.

Nice work!


TheChosenGamer

Before I read yours, I want to address the chunk of text format youíve got going on. Thatís pretty much the most intimidating version you can have a story in, itís like a foggy forest at 3am. Sure, people might venture inside, but a lot are going to steer clear. Not a hard fix though, just break up your paragraphs, space them out and you should be just fine!

But anyway!

It looks like I may be having some of the same feedback for you that I had for IgnusBurns. Right off the bat, you may want to add a bit more detail to your setting, it seems like youíve got a good setup for some serious contrast to show your reader exactly where everyoneís at.

The nice, peaceful, atmosphere of the grasslands has become a fierce, deadly battleground for two fighters.

The haunting smell of smoke dismantled the tranquility the grasslands once called home. Scorched remains of the common weed killed the green vibrance of the land like Helter Skelter, and as smoke plumed into the atmosphere, the lush cyan sky turned to a gray dark it wouldíve matched the serial killerís heart.

Back to the paragraphs though, thoughts, speaking, or any major changes or developments to the story would all be good places to start new ones. Your combat is also tricky to follow. Part of this may be the chunk of text, but in a way it almost reminds me of a Pokemon game. The attacks and dodges almost seem independent of each other.

Levi used sweep.

Maguma dodges.

Action and reaction are more intertwined than that, how exactly did he avoid the incoming foot of pain as it rushed at him?

Levi landed right next to Maguma and did a sweeping motion with his hand holding the kunai. With Magumaís reflexes, he was able to strafe sideways-

Levi landed right next to Maguma and did a sweeping motion, but the lava warriorís reflexes proved quicker than his assailant, side stepping just out of the range of the speeding foot.

Something else that peppered your story pretty hard we're grammar issues, especially with the tenses. A lot of this feels unpolished, especially when itís paired with the brick of text, so I honestly donít know what you need explained and what can just be summarized with Ďproofreadí. If you honestly donít know what Iím talking about, Iíll be glad to answer, but do make sure you give your work a couple once overs before finally submitting it.

Lastly, same note as IgnusBurns, but make sure you give your reader a reason to remember your ending. Itís what brings them back, but if itís not done right it can keep them away. Why did the story matter? Meaning is important, and whatever you can get away with in terms of animation in that regard, you canít in writing.

Not too bad, but Iíd say where you need to focus most is format and grammar. Most of what else needs improvement is overshadowed by that, and foundation is always a good place to start.

I hope to watch you improve!

TheChosenGamer
01-03-2016, 06:04 AM
It's not that I rushed it that's why it has no separation, copy paste problems, crappy phone, slow internet. These are the ingredients for the most crappiest work.

Draou
01-03-2016, 05:07 PM
Both of these were fun to read. Both started with settings I could easily imagine in my head, which was a nice change for once. I liked the description of both as you transferred from the intro to the fight (Some points were a bit confusing and I had to reread tho, but nothing super serious that offset my interest at all.) Gamer's I felt was a bit more choppy than Ignus's, so I went with Ignus on this one. Nice job tho, both ya.

FanaticPixelf
01-03-2016, 09:54 PM
I honestly found a few problems in each, but then again even professional writers(especially the ones I read) have grammar errors in their books, so I forgave that easily.

Now IgnusBurns often used too many synonyms at times. Another issue was the run-on or repeat sentences. Both of these are elements in a story for the audiance so as to catch their attention and give them a refreshed look at the part in the story. Using them too much however can lead to a problem, the simple solution would be to hold back on the over attention to certain details. These were both some issues in his story but the main problem was the use of "the pronoun game."

Often this tactic is a good story telling device that makes something interesting for readers but can easily backfire. Often readers can find themselves lost and don't know who they're reading about or who is talking. This wouldn't be as big as an issue if it weren't used so much in his story. There is so many "He's","Him's" and other pronouns that a reader can get lost keeping track of the situation. Now this story telling tool is to keep he audience from getting bored by hearing a characters name too many times, but like I said before, too many pronouns is hard to follow.

Even with these mistakes I found his story enjoyable and fun.


TheChosenGamer's story on the other hand while equally good had what I like to call the "Giant wall of text" format. This format takes no breaks and makes it hard to read. This format often frightens readers and causes them to not even attempt to read at times. When an someone does attempt to read it they can become exhausted by the sea of letters and may sometimes re-read a sentence.

Another problem was the loose breaks from dialogue to setting to narrative and back again. A reader can get whiplash to go from reading the scenery to suddenly the characters monologue. These kinds of same paragraph styles make for a hard read. Both of these problems can be easily rectified by simple placing breaks in text like the ones above.

Other then that I found it to be quite a thrilling tale.

While both of these stories were good and had their fair share of problems, I voted for IB's because the story was easier to read, though you both did a splendid job and should be proud of yourselves.

IgnusBurns
01-04-2016, 10:06 AM
Thanks for the CnC guys, I really appreciate it! (I also appreciate the fact you weren't harsh... ;) )
This was my second battle in a row, and considering I had no internet or access to a writing program for a straight four days, I can understand if it felt forced or rushed. I tried my best, and again, I appreciate the CnC! ;3

roBEAT
01-06-2016, 12:54 PM
Ok, some general advice for both of you:

1. Good battles are more than just two dudes slapping each other. You'll need a story around it, more than just "Waiting for opponent - greeting and boasting about powers - Fight - Win - Mercy because good guy.
Your story could answer questions like: "Why do they fight? If the system chose them to fight, why did it do so? What else is going on in your Character's life? Do the fights change him/her?

2. Always use a fitting narrator for everything you write. I recommend writing your fights entirely out of the eyes of the fighters. Don't use an omniscient narrator because it robs the reader of the experience of feeling the danger of fighting and all the emotions that come with it, like anger and fear.
You can switch between who is narrating (like writing some paragraphs out of the eyes of Levi and others out of the eyes of Maguma) but always make clear who is narrating and always stay in the character of the narrator (If he's serious don't make jokes. If he's insane give the reader his fucked up view on what's happening instead of a reasonable one.)

3. Feed your stories with emotions.

4. Clarify who is doing what. If you use "he", you ought to mean whoever was the last one who actively did something. (Example: Paul beat up Phil after school was over. On the next day he had a scar on his forehead. If you use "he" like this Paul is the one with the scar which makes no sense. The reader might guess that it's Phil who has the scar but that's not what you were saying.)

5. Try not to repeat the same words and phrases too frequently, especially at the beginning of your sentences.

6. Avoid fillers like "They slapped each other for 69 minutes both giggling but with a deadly stare in their eyes. They were absolutely equal in strength, quickness, swordfighting skill and dick size."
A realistic fight is usually decided pretty quickly. If you need to add length to your story do it beore and after the fight instead. Or you could think of more attacks, blocks and similar things, but don't use this kind of filler. You might think it sounds epic and creates tension but it actually just screams "Lazy writer."

7.
‘Brain Freeze!’ he shouted and everything came to an instant halt. You're not writing the script for an anime. Write like a more serious author.
Additionally thoughts can't be shown on screen in anime but if you write a story they are your friend.


You're improving guys. Keep going.^^