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View Full Version : Dezi[SorrowfulRage] Vs Levi[IgnusBurns]



SorrowfulRage
01-13-2016, 12:02 AM
Welcome Levi Magnus Strider and Dezi(Dnais) onto the battle field!
Vote fairly - CnC is most appreciated, but please don't be cruel to either of us. Still a little fresh here.
Ignus is on quite the spree here, diving into 3 battles in a row. Meanwhile - I've been spending most of my week in hospital. Quite unfortunate. Still, we did our best(I'm sure). Lets get on with it shall we?

Dezi sat on the edge of the roof of an abandoned church, the afternoon sun baking his skin.

"Hello!" Dezi turned around, legs still dangling over the side. "I heard you're looking for a fight." Dezi looked him up and down. The person who had spoken was a short raggedy looking teen. "I'm pretty sure I got the guy, Dezi right?"

"Yes. You are... Levi. Levi Magnus Strider." Levi's eyes blinked behind his glasses, surprised that Dez knew his name and to hear a voice in his head.

"I guess you know me too."

"I take it as my business to know my competitors."

"They said you were possessed by a demon. Really now? Let me see that eye." Levi took a step closer, his fingers reaching out to pull away the cloth that covered Dezi's eye. In a flash, Levi had his arm pinned to his back, teetering near the edge of the roof. Levi chuckled, seeming to completely ignore the situation he was in.* Dezi raised an eyebrow, yellow flashing briefly over his tattoos in annoyance.

"Do not mess with the demon. It will not do well for either of us, and the outcome of your curiosity could be disastrous."

"Oh come on! Don't be so dramatic. Demon's don't exist." Dezi was silent for a long while, his tattoos pulsing a dark blue.

"I will give you that battle. Hopefully, nothing more. Will that satisfy you at least?" Levi grinned, brushing his blonde mess of hair out of his eyes with a free hand. His smile slipped from his face.

Levi shoved Dezi off and took a swipe at his feet. Dez jumped back but instantly took a hit in the gut. Levi swung at his face and Dezi barely managed to doge it. The time hunter's speed was shocking and Dezi had to move faster to keep up with the swift and unrelenting attacks. Smoke curled around Levi's fingers and shot forward, exploding and sending Dezi off the roof and crashing painfully into the ground below. Dezi stumbled to his feet, pink coloring his tattoos. He did not usually fight people with enhanced speed like him and it had him off balanced for a moment.

'Get back into the game.' Dez thought. He noticed a cloud moving toward him. It reformed into Levi mid-air who landed almost gracefully. He had a serious look about him as he launched himself at Dezi once again. Fingers gripped Levi's wrists and the half-demon used the time hunter's momentum to fling him into the wall. A knife slammed down, skimming the edge of Levi's shoulder and pinning his shirt to the wall. Blood seeped through the material as Dez wrapped his hands around Levi's throat.

Levi gasped and dissolved yet again into a cloud of smoke, slipping past Dez's hands and solidifying behind him, leaning against a wall for support as he caught his breath. Levi pulled Iracundia from it's place in the wall and Lacimosa from it's sheath. Levi noticed that Dezi's tattoos were switching between brown and a reddish-orange shade. Dezi threw a blade at him and Levi slowed down time, stepping out of the way and closer to Dez.
*Time sped up again and Levi pulled his kunai out. Metal crashed against metal, blades screeching against each other as both competitors' weapons came into contact. Levi pushed harder, flinging away one of Dezi's blades. Levi aimed for the half-demon's face but Dez pulled back and the tip of the kunai sliced Dezi's cheek and cloth. The cloth fell away, revealing the pulsing silver eye. Dezi opened his mouth and a faint scream echoed in Levi's head. He watched in fascination as the transformation took place. Dnais arched his back and stared into Levi's eyes.

"Strider. Levi Magnus Strider." Dnais hissed in the time hunter's head. Dnais slammed his horns into his opponent's head, stunning Levi and sending his vision into a swirl of blinding colors. Dnais locked his arm around Levi's and flipped him over, keeping him down with a knee on his shoulder. Levi's vision cleared and he yelled at the sight of wide lips heading straight for his neck. He struggled to keep away the demon with one hand and use the other to find and grasp the hilt of his kunai. Levi struck, missing Dnais as he jerked away. A smile spread across Nais's lips, stretching almost to his ears, tattoos glowing a menacing black.

"You are an interesting species Strider. You are too fast and strong to be an average human. Nevertheless,* I will destroy you quickly. You cannot compare to my superior speed and strength."

Levi ignored the jab and threw his kunai at Dnais's head. Dnais ducked, but the kunai moved as if though it had a mind of its own, cutting deep into his arms. He took a sharp intake of breath as he retreated back, allowing Dezi control again. Levi slammed a foot into Dezi's side, followed by a fist to the jaw. Dezi staggered backwards, attempting to regain his balance. Dark purple pulsed in his tattoos as he blocked an attack from Levi. He sent blasts of smoke at Dezi's arms, wings and sides, causing the half-demon to howl in agony and frustration.

Dezi blocked out everything else, closed his eyes and focused on the time hunter's brain. He weaved his way through small mental blocks and delved into his mind. Dez picked up several thoughts before his head knocked into a wall, eyes bursting open in pain. Levi threw an elbow at Dez's head but Dezi had already anticipated it from his short trip in Levi's brain. His hand shot up and caught Levi's arm mid-strike. Dezi twisted Levi around and pushed him down on the floor. Dez raised Iracundia over his head to deliver the finishing blow and Levi closed his eyes in defeat.

The blade landed with a thud, buried deep in the ground, missing Levi's head by centimeters. Levi pried his eyes open, staring at Dezi in confusion.

"You are a good man with good intentions. Even if you think you are unable to help, you have a purpose in the coming future that will change the tides of things to come. A time will come when we meet again. Until then..."

Dezi helped Levi up, slidding the kunai still in his arm, out of the wound and handed it to Levi. Dezi tore off a piece of his shirt and wrapped it tightly around his eye. As he returned to his human state, he turned around and walked off, leaving Levi standing alone. Levi gazed at the fading back of the half-demon, the sound of a bell still ringing faintly in his head.
*

An Unlikely Encounter
The clouds had grown increasingly darker as the cloaked figure climbed the mountain. The sky steadily becoming pinker as the sun set behind the mountains.

The cloaked figure stopped his ascent up the incline, turning and looking towards the sunset. Pulling his hood down off his face, he sighed, then clenched his jaw, making his scar on his right cheek crinkle.

The sky turning pink in the distance, Levi looked down the mountain, where long, rolling plains stretched into the distance, meeting a city far off on the horizon.
So much better than the world I lived in… He thought. He frowned, and was suddenly met with a drop of rain on his nose.
Wiping it off, he pulled his hood over his face again, turning to continue his ascent up the mountain.

As he climbed and the rain came down heavier, several thoughts rushed through his head…
What am I doing here again?
Oh yeah… To stop the Precursors.
Too bad I overshot the correct time by a good 60 years…
He sighed again, then shook his head. “Well, at least I have some time to enjoy the world before it gets destroyed.” He said grimly.

Grabbing a cliff’s edge, he pulled himself up, the rain having soaked through his cloak by now and starting to soak into his clothes.
He looked up towards the clouds, squinting his eyes to see through his rain stained glasses.

Looking down a little, he noticed a cave a little farther up the face of the mountain. I’ll camp there for now… He thought to himself.
The rain was becoming tiresome though, and Levi, looking around to make sure no one was around, whispered, “Brain Freeze…”

The effects were baffling, and amazing…
The rain stopped falling, as in, it wasn’t moving anymore…
The clouds were still there, but all traces of the rain’s movement towards the ground had disappeared. It was now nothing more than a field of floating drops of water.

Levi strided towards the base of the cliff, taking out his remaining one kunai to help in his climb towards the cave. As he walked, the floating rain smacked into his face, but at least it wasn’t pouring anymore…

He reached the bottom of the cliff, and looked at his one kunai, “Damn Six, broke my other kunai…” He said angrily. He shook his head and sighed, grabbing the lowest indent in the cliff, beginning his climb.
About halfway up, his brain sparked, and the rain started to come down again, if not harder than before.
Suddenly, his hand slipped, and he found himself falling towards the hard ground.
Instinctively stabbing his kunai towards the stone wall, the weapon stabbing into the stone like butter, stopping his descent.

Hanging from the wet cliff, in his wet clothes, in his wet cloak, Levi felt pretty miserable… Soaking wet, no home, no family, nowhere to go… Except that cave… He thought reassuringly.

Grabbing a new handhold, Levi started climbing up the cliff again, using his kunai as a makeshift climbing grip, stabbing it into the stone every now and then to rest.
***
Climbing his way to the entrance of the cave, Levi walked into the cavern, looking around for any traces of human life.
Walking towards the back of the cave, he started to sense that someone besides him was in the cave.

He was right…
In the back of the cave, barely visible due to the tiny amount of light from the cavern’s entrance, was what he assumed was a young man in a black hoodie and a pair of jeans. Crouching in the corner of the cave, muttering to himself.
Curious, Levi acknowledged the individual, “Uh, Hello?” He asked.

The young man leaped to his feet and turned with blinding speed, looking at Levi. Allowing the Time Hunter to get a good look at him…

The first thing he noticed was the guy’s tattoos, which were along his cheeks and on his forehead. The thing that surprised him though, was that his tattoos, were glowing dark-orange.
His hood had fallen off when he jumped up, revealing two small but instantly noticeable red horns jutting from the side of his temple. His long raven black hair covered his left eye, his right eye was bright blue. Attached to his belt were strips of leather with sharp bone pieces attached, as well as two leather sheaths for what he assumed were daggers.
Levi tilted his head, intrigued, “Who are you?” he asked inquisitively.
The guy shook his head, then squinted his eyes, focusing hard.

Levi heard what he assumed was the guy’s voice inside his head. My name’s Dezi. What’s yours? He replied.
Levi bowed accordingly, grinning. “The name’s Levi, nice to meet you Dezi…”
He held his hand out, and Dezi took it reluctantly, shaking it slowly.

Retracting his hand, Levi stuck his both hands in his pockets. “So… What are you doing up in this mountain cave?” He asked.
Dezi squinted again, his words echoing in Levi’s head, Oh... I can’t really tell you that, even if I wanted to… He replied, the words sounding depressed in Levi’s head.
Tilting his head again, mouth curling into a slightly disappointed frown, Levi walked back towards the entrance to the cave.
Looking back out of the cavern, he saw the man-made lights of the city in the distance, illuminating the now dark night sky.
The moon was now rising behind the city’s skyscrapers, adding its light to the night sky as well.
Rain still came down hard, pounding the cavern’s entrance with droplets.
He sighed, taking in the view, pulling his cloak’s hood off.
Turning back into the cave, he sat in the middle, looking out at the rain.
Dezi’s voice spoke in his mind, You gonna sleep?
Levi nodded for him to see, “Yeah, you can too if you want…” He answered.
***
Before he would lie down to go to sleep, something splashed through the curtain of rain outside the cave. It was small, slim, and had a pin. Levi’s first thought was grenade, but this thing was far too slim to be one. His next thought was…

Flashbang…

The tactical grenade exploded, sending forth an ear-splitting sound and a blinding flash of light. Levi stumbled up from his sitting position, rubbing his eyes while also trying to plug his ears to stop the ringing in his ears.
He called out loud, “Dezi you all right?” Or at least he thought called out, no words seemed to come from his mouth, the ringing was draining everything else out.
But he got his answer though, in the form of a punch to the face…

The force from the blow sent him flying out of the cavern, he knew this because he felt himself falling for at least 5 seconds, then hit the muddy ground hard, with rain hitting the back of his head.
Staying down for what seemed like a minute, the ringing and blindness faded, and he got up unsteadily, his left wrist flaring with pain as he did. Broken, at least… he thought, holding his wrist still to keep it from moving.
Looking around, he saw nothing but the base of the cliff, with the cave at the top. Rain fell on his glasses, cleaning off the mud that had gotten on them. His cloak was covered in the mud as well.

However, something caught his eye, two humanoid forms, seemingly fleeing, were moving away from Levi around the edge of the cliff. It was too dark to make out their faces, and he was in no condition to give chase, whoever had punched him would probably be here any minute to finish him off.

His pursuer was like nothing he’d ever seen before, for his standards anyway…
Looking over his opponent, Levi’s lip curled in disgust.
It was Dezi alright, but he looked more like a demon than his regular self.
Two massive reptilian wings as big as Levi sprouted from his back. His once small horns had enlarged and turned into massive bull horns sprouting upward, his fingers had lengthened and sharpened into claws. Lizard like scales spanned the bridge of his nose, and his mouth had stretched to either ear, with two small but sharp fangs protruding from his bottom lip.

The demon landed on the muddy ground heavily, sending a splash of mud around him, and turned his eyes toward Levi. The bandages having fallen off his left eye left it exposed, letting Levi examine the bright blue eye that was examining him...

The demon tilted his head, his mouth twisting into a sick grin. “This is the only challenge the world can offer? How pitiful…” He stated maliciously.
Levi frowned in disgust. “Pitiful? Heh, and I thought we could have been friends…”
He grabbed and threw off his cloak, letting it steadily fall off the cliff behind him towards the rocks a hundred feet below.

Standing ready for a fight, Levi was surprised to hear Dezi’s voice speak in his head.
That flashbang forced him into control! You have to run Levi, he’ll kill you!!
Levi said out loud for both Dezi and the demon to hear, “I’m a lot harder to kill than I look…”
The demon laughed, “Then I’ll make sure you stay dead!”
With a leap, the demon attempted to smash him into the mud with an overhead swing.
Rolling to the side, Levi managed to dodge the blow, but just barely, the demon was almost as fast him. The punch sent mud splashing on both of them.
Faster than lightning, Levi kicked the demon in the face. Instead of staggering, the demon growled in rage and grabbed his leg by the chin, picking him up and hurling him towards the base of the cliff.

Levi slammed into the stone cliff so hard he spit blood. Looking up, he saw a fist racing for his face. He dissipated into smoke, the demon’s fist slamming into the rock so hard the stone cracked.
Levi reformed behind the demon, and shot tendrils of smoke towards the demon, hoping to choke him.
The smoke shot into the demon’s nostrils and mouth, causing him to retch and stagger, clutching his throat. Levi took his kunai from his belt and rushed his opponent, stabbing him in the side and the shoulder.

After stabbing the demon a few more times, Levi yelled “Brain Storm!” And instantly, he felt both stronger and faster. Leaping into the air, he brought his heel down on top of the demon’s head, then grabbed his horns and threw him towards the cliff’s edge.

As he threw him, Brain Storm faded, and Levi shook his head, attempting to shake off the fatigue that came with it disappearing. Blinking rapidly, he looked up to see the demon getting up steadily, a murderous look on his face.
Levi steadily walked towards him, hooking his kunai back onto his belt. The demon approached him as well, flexing his clawed fingers. He was bleeding quite a bit from his stab wounds, but those seemed to have only ticked him off.

Levi breathed for a few seconds, then rushed forward, as did the demon.
Bringing his fist back, Levi struck at the demon, but so did his opponent, and their fists met in mid-strike, sending a shockwave through the air, splashing mud against the stone behind Levi and over the edge of the cliff behind the demon.
Gritting against the other’s fist, they both brought their other fist in a sweeping uppercut, but met the other’s fist again, sending another shockwave through the air, splashing more mud across the area.

They did this for minutes, trying to hit each other but their blows colliding with the other’s, every blow sending another shockwave through the air.
Until, all at once, one of their punches collided, but deflected off of each other, and the demon took full advantage of the confusion. He grabbed Levi’s arm and opened his mouth, baring his sharp teeth, and sunk them into Levi’s shoulder, sending a spurt of blood over the demon’s face.

Levi screamed in pain. Smoke curled around his free arm, and he slammed it into the demon’s face, the smoke exploding into tendrils, which slammed into Levi’s opponent. Sending the demon flying towards the edge of the cliff.

Free from the bite, he clutched his bleeding shoulder, the blood soaking his hand. Breathing heavily from the pain, he looked up to see Dezi getting up unsteadily, smoke curling off his body from Levi’s punch.
By now, the moon was now rising above the clouds, the light from it slowly fading.
Remembering what Dezi had said before engaging him, Levi thought, Light’s what’s keeping him in that state, I need to force him out of it… But how?
Looking at the demon’s left eye, which had been originally covered by bindings, an idea sparked in Levi’s brain. He yelled, “Now I’m going to finish it!!”
His face twisted into a growl and he turned to smoke.
He reappeared, flying forward, in front of Dezi, grabbing his face and pushing him over the cliff. As he did, he had smoke curl around his left eye, making it as dense as possible.

As the demon fell off the cliff, his monstrous qualities quickly turned back to normal, and Dezi looked up at Levi as he fell towards the rocks. He said one thing in his mind, which was lost to Levi’s despair as he watched him fall. I’m Sorry
He had to look away as Dezi hit the rocks…
***
Levi slouched, motionless in the rain, looking down the cliff at Dezi’s now broken form.
Tears slid down his face, but he couldn’t tell, as the rain had already stained his face.
Getting up shakily, Levi turned towards the cliff where he’d seen the two figures run off, looking back down at Dezi one last time, he said to himself, “Don’t worry, I’ll avenge you Dezi…”
He made his way to the cliff, just as the rain started to come down harder, and disappeared into the storm...

IgnusBurns
01-13-2016, 08:37 AM
Alright, as your opponent in this battle I'd like to CnC a few things. If you please...

Your story's fight scene was well done, you did a good job at making it known who was attacking and who was on the receiving end of it, but a few words of advice.
- I Tried the "Arranged meeting" fight before, and I didn't get as much good reception as I would've liked. So I went for a chance meeting that turns into a fight. Your fight did a good job at illustrating either character's qualities, but you didn't really give either enough time to show it. Make your stories a bit longer, and you'll do really good!

Kamiroo Wolf
01-13-2016, 09:19 AM
Ok. Last feedback I typed was deleted. Anyway, my vote went to Ignus for a slightly better fight scene, description, and flow. Not that Sorrow's was bad, but I wasn't as engaged with his story as I was with Ignus'. I'm bad with CnC, but perhaps work on character introduction and development?

SorrowfulRage
01-14-2016, 06:08 AM
Thanks for the feedback guys. Im still very ill so I won't be giving CnC for Ignus. Just to say I loved the way you portrayed everything. Good work

Haru
01-14-2016, 06:14 AM
Ignus, you are a true rising star my friend.
I'll read these later and edit this post with CnC.
Dezi:

So, I'm at the beginning.
"Hello!" Dezi turned around, legs still dangling over the side. "I heard you're looking for a fight." Dezi looked him up and down. The person who had spoken was a short raggedy looking teen. "I'm pretty sure I got the guy, Dezi right?"
Hmmm.. Maybe you can do more than just flat out stating "Raggedy Looking".
I'm not that good at writing, but...
Dezi examined the challenger, his corrupted eye flickering, going over every detail. The talker, to his disappointment, was a torn-clothing, worn, unimpressive looking short-as-a-stump....kid.
If this was his challenge, it wasn't very impressive.
Fail writing, but you get the point.
It also seemed a bit short, with blocks of text. I do that alot myself, but maybe you can space it out more?

Will do Ignus burns tommorrow.

IgnusBurns
01-14-2016, 08:35 AM
Ignus, you are a true rising star my friend.
I'll read these later and edit this post with CnC.

What do you mean by "rising star"? I'm just doing my best! ;)
But yeah, like SorrowfulRage said, thanks for the feedback, and I hope you get better soon Sorrowful... :/

Vern
01-16-2016, 06:32 PM
It's about time I get back in the game again. It's been a while, but I'll try my best to do a CnC for you both.


First things first, I have my qualms with your character in general, mainly because he's jam packed with abilities and weapons that do not seem to correlate with any kind of theme, and because he's also what many here like to dub "edgy", which is basically just to say he's part of a cliche that is quite attractive and very popular in these kind of settings. But don't worry, we all have had characters like these and it's something we all have to work to grow past. (reading your character profile, however, I can see you tried to put a spin on things, so continue working on it as you are ^^)

That besides, I'll move onto your story itself.
The opening very immediately jumps into the action and we see very little of Dezi, his thoughts or his emotions prior, throughout and after the battle. I'm just gonna say this regardless of whether you even watch RHG or not : wRHG is not like RHG. RHG is about jacked up action, story is just a nice touch there but should never be obtrusive. For wRHG it is quite the opposite. We wanna see a lot of story, not just plain out action. We want to see character and setting, emotion and feeling.


Dezi sat on the edge of the roof of an abandoned church, the afternoon sun baking his skin.

"Hello!" Dezi turned around, legs still dangling over the side. "I heard you're looking for a fight." Dezi looked him up and down. The person who had spoken was a short raggedy looking teen. "I'm pretty sure I got the guy, Dezi right?"

"Yes. You are... Levi. Levi Magnus Strider." Levi's eyes blinked behind his glasses, surprised that Dez knew his name and to hear a voice in his head.

"I guess you know me too."

"I take it as my business to know my competitors."

"They said you were possessed by a demon. Really now? Let me see that eye." Levi took a step closer, his fingers reaching out to pull away the cloth that covered Dezi's eye. In a flash, Levi had his arm pinned to his back, teetering near the edge of the roof. Levi chuckled, seeming to completely ignore the situation he was in.* Dezi raised an eyebrow, yellow flashing briefly over his tattoos in annoyance.

"Do not mess with the demon. It will not do well for either of us, and the outcome of your curiosity could be disastrous."

"Oh come on! Don't be so dramatic. Demon's don't exist." Dezi was silent for a long while, his tattoos pulsing a dark blue.

"I will give you that battle. Hopefully, nothing more. Will that satisfy you at least?" Levi grinned, brushing his blonde mess of hair out of his eyes with a free hand. His smile slipped from his face.
We don't see a lot of Dezi and both feel a bit too one-dimensional in this particular sequence, they just ramble out some snappy little dialogue but it does little for either of them. Levi seemingly doesn't have a reason to fight you at all, he's just like "yo let's fight" and Dezi simply agrees with that, but both of your characters (if we are to believe your profile pages) aren't really like that.

It's been too long since I've tried choreographing a fight myself so you'll have to excuse me for giving you some lackluster feedback on the topic ; The fight itself feels a bit too choppy and choreographed if you ask me. It goes something along the lines of "Devi does A, Levi does B, repeat". I'd give you something more to work with but as I said it's been too long for myself as well.

After that, well, the fight becomes extremely one sided, and what I said about "edgy cliche" comes into play. Dezi turns into a demon and it's like "uh look at me, I'm so evil and powerful. *generic trashtalk towards opponent*". Dezi then continues to stomp the everliving shit out of Levi without this one putting up much of a fight, despite him having some formidable powers himself as well. Then, after he's beaten, there's more generic talking down and then the walking away, no-fuck givingly. As I said we see little emotions or feelings throughout the entire fight and that leaves us a bit empty, and as a result aren't left too interested in either characters. All in all it's a bit empty and stiff, try to work on that in the future!

Concerning your writing itself, the biggest issue I could find was the perpetual repitition of both "Levi" and "Dezi".


Levi shoved Dezi off and took a swipe at his feet. Dez jumped back but instantly took a hit in the gut. Levi swung at his face and Dezi barely managed to doge it. The time hunter's speed was shocking and Dezi had to move faster to keep up with the swift and unrelenting attacks. Smoke curled around Levi's fingers and shot forward, exploding and sending Dezi off the roof and crashing painfully into the ground below. Dezi stumbled to his feet, pink coloring his tattoos. He did not usually fight people with enhanced speed like him and it had him off balanced for a moment.
Here you managed to say Dezi a whopping 6 times in a single paragraph. The trick is in either replacing Dezi with the male pronoun, coming up with synonyms or forging your sentences in such a way that neither are required for it to be clear who is undertaking the action. Because you repeated his name as much as you did, the entire battle feels all the more "Dezi does A, Levi does B", so try to keep that in mind and give your text some re-reads ;)

I'm too lazy and rusty to give you much anything else to work with welp. The flow feels a bit off and some of the writing feels choppy, but that's normal. You'll work it out, given that you put enough effort and time into your writing :). I advice trying to articulate your character and your opponent's, that you work on your flow and that you try to spice the battles in general up.

Alright, I hope that was of some help to you. Honestly I'm really rusty myself since I've been on a three months hiatus by now, but hey I gotta get myself back to writing somehow again, right? :p


I can see you've improved since you're last battle (which I glossed over briefly before, I believe). You're doing a good job but don't fool yourself into thinking you're better than you are, you have been picking easy fights up until now (How about we change that? ;) ).

Alas, I'm not here to talk down on you in any way, but to help. You're doing a mighty fine job and I can only hope you'll keep it up and stay involved. Now you'll have to forgive me since I'm quite rusty, I haven't written myself in a few months you see.

Now concerning your character : Pulling up your profile next to what's displayed in this battle shows that you've already improved. It's nice to see him feel and live outside of the wRHG scene. Throughout the battle he's articulated and he's shown as someone who feels and cares, although more often than not it still feels a bit forced and the dialogue a bit cheesy. I do get the feeling that you have a decent idea of what you're doing with him so I'll just leave the learning part up to you ;)

Onto the story itself : While it is commendable that you go through the effort of setting up a nice introduction, it still is a bit too stretched for what it is trying to conceive. What I mean by this is that "him hanging and chilling out in the rain, forgetting about the world" goes on for just a bit too long.
After that, my biggest issue with the story is the unacceptable amount of conveniences and "coïncidences". First of, it's already a dead giveaway Devi is going to be in the cave before you even bother to state that he is, though for Levi it should be more of a surprise since he's pretty far out and you don't exactly expect to find someone inside a cave that far out. Instead you just went with "Whoa, I get the feeling there's something in here" and "Oh would you look at that, there's someone in here". (Also, it's pretty convenient that someone else from the RHG JUST SO HAPPENS to be way out here in this cave, isn't it?)
Next up, allow me to momentarily commend you on realizing and actually articulating that both Levi and Dezi wouldn't really be the types to fight each other to begin with. Now, the flashbang which is thrown into the cave, just as a guy with a demonic eye sensitive to light is in there alongside with Levi is just dumb coïncidental convenience to start the actual battle. It feels like a cheap way to solve the problem of having to make two guys fight who shouldn't really fight in the first place.
During the battle itself, it also feels as if either one of the combatants would've thrown the other down the cliffs WAY earlier than that (considering the amount of force both of them put in their punches, I can only imagine there's a pretty huge flat area in which you two could fight without this happening anytime sooner).
Lastly, it's also pretty fricking convenient that all of their super-punches just so happen to hit the other's fist mid air all the time. This once again feels like a writer's insert just to create a bit of a cinematic effect, but it completely ruins all logical and realistic feel to the battle.

Demon Dezi kinda feels a bit cliche'd as well, though I suppose you were merely trying to accurately depict your opponent.

Still though, the battle was tense and wasn't one sided at all, so good job there.


The demon tilted his head, his mouth twisting into a sick grin. “This is the only challenge the world can offer? How pitiful…” He stated maliciously.
Levi frowned in disgust. “Pitiful? Heh, and I thought we could have been friends…”
He grabbed and threw off his cloak, letting it steadily fall off the cliff behind him towards the rocks a hundred feet below.

Standing ready for a fight, Levi was surprised to hear Dezi’s voice speak in his head.
That flashbang forced him into control! You have to run Levi, he’ll kill you!!
Levi said out loud for both Dezi and the demon to hear, “I’m a lot harder to kill than I look…”
The demon laughed, “Then I’ll make sure you stay dead!”
This entire part of dialogue feels forced and awkward. It doesn't feel natural and quite honestly we've seen conversations like these before. They're cliche, try to avoid that in the future and make things feel as if they came naturally.


As the demon fell off the cliff, his monstrous qualities quickly turned back to normal, and Dezi looked up at Levi as he fell towards the rocks. He said one thing in his mind, which was lost to Levi’s despair as he watched him fall. I’m Sorry
He had to look away as Dezi hit the rocks…
Couldn't Levi have un-demonized Dezi without killing him? I'm sorry but YOU kinda killed him, not the trolly flashbang dudes. Honestly at this rate I expect those guys to go like "It was just a prank bro!" when you finally catch up with them.

Concerning your writing, the phrasing and wording feels awkward and odd at times, with sentences needlessly stretched beyond proportion just to fit in another word at the end. Try to cut down on the general size of your sentences, and try to keep your flow actually flowing ^^ (God I'm not gonna do my entire flow speech again, you'll just have to look up one of my earlier CnC's for that :P)

I recommend some re-reading to rewrite sentences. As for the rest, best you can do is just keep writing and learn. Experience trumps all.

Okay that's it, I hope it was of some use.


Ignus, you are a true rising star my friend.

He probably just meant you're an active writer. No qualms there. Especially considering that he said he hasn't even read this battle to begin with.


I'll read these later and edit this post with CnC.

Lol we'll see about that.

IgnusBurns
01-16-2016, 08:58 PM
Thanks Vern, I really appreciate the CnC, and to answer one of your questions...
I made Levi shove him off the cliff and *cough* kill *cough* him to give him a reason to go after the figures who threw the flash bang in the first place. I don't know if to categorize that as lazy or bad writing, but Levi's the kind of guy who feels guilty about a lot of things, like the death of his parents, which wasn't even his fault.

He's not someone to let go of a death lightly, and Dezi effectively "dying" in front of him spurred his guilt and anger to go after the two people who threw the flashbang.
In truth, I killed off Dezi in my story because Levi has high standards, one of them being to not kill the innocent. Dezi was innocent, and Levi knew this. And so, he linked his death to not only himself, but to the people who threw the flashbang.

And lastly. I'm trying to evolve him as a character, one who, in the end, is relatively easy to understand and relate with.
I really just needed an excuse to make Levi unavailable for about a week, 3 battles in a row takes a toll on you, y'know? And again, thanks for the CnC Vern. ^.^