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View Full Version : Butterphiny, any good? :c



zawmbee
08-05-2008, 05:10 PM
I made this for a school competition, but didn't hand it in ontime, so i may aswell post it here, i dind't like it as much :/
It doesn't have a start, part of the comp.

...I realised from the extent of my mutation, I wasn’t a real boy anymore. I had simply out-grown that unoriginal, generic concept of life and began living a better lifestyle. I was truly happy, delighted with the prospect I was no longer bound to the mortal coil, but a beautiful, gracious and delicate Butterphiny.
I feared no man. No hierarchy could enforce rules or any significant laws on me. I am a free man, although I no longer use the term "man" with any real conviction. I was my own creation and my own experiment, and I was thoroughly satisfied. My svelte, seemingly perfect mind was divided. Feeling suddenly claustrophobic in this new shell, I pondered a modus operandi of reversion, and yet, further thought gave me reassurance. I could not go back. Who would? But my intellect enhanced I grew dull and sad, I could think with my vast knowledge migrating away from my subconscious was almost overwhelming causing my intellectuality to plummet rapidly...
But I looked past that horrendous conundrum, awaiting to see where my new biological parting will be able to be viewed on by the mortal eye, would they be able to handle my ghastly kaleidoscope, or will their low-brow urgings give them an unsociable biased view of my development.

credz to bahamut, i mean baha, i mean darren...pick one - for re-writing this to suit your intelectual capacity.
he removed the big words and replaced them with smaller words, dur.

Cizzil
08-05-2008, 10:05 PM
dude its actually really good. you should add a start and make it into a book. i would read it.

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 03:48 AM
LOL, really?
nice, glad you liked it.
The actual comp was not to have a starting, but to just like pic it up as you go, and not bore the judges.

Bonk
08-06-2008, 03:52 AM
Sounds like you were trying to cram as many big words in as possible :D

Not bad, except the sentences were overly complicated.

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 03:59 AM
The actual last bit my head exploded, it all actually makes sence and has a stedy flow, dont belive me? grab a dictionary, all the words fit, so it isnt rambling, contradicting shit.
I just did that to keep the judge entertained, so he didn't get bored and stop reading, i stripped the story of adjectives 4 times, i managed to remove 24 adjectives from the starting.

Bonk
08-06-2008, 04:01 AM
Oh, it makes sense dude, it just seems a little bit excessive.

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 10:12 AM
well i had to keep the judge entertained -
didnt want him to stop half way through.
anymore feedback?

Darren
08-06-2008, 10:44 AM
lmao, no credit for writing two thirds of it?

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 10:56 AM
noe, you raped the big words out of it <3
credz to darren for removing all the adjectives and dumbing it down -
now go back to DD.

Darren
08-06-2008, 11:06 AM
You'd like that wouldn't you? Then no-one would know about your ghost writer. Like a true ghost writer, I'm going to haunt you forever. LOLOLO!

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 11:07 AM
i think i just peed my pants :c
i'll pm you my address and phone number.

Darren
08-06-2008, 11:11 AM
What did I tell you about putting "and" at the start of a sentence, btw? Don't. >_>

zawmbee
08-06-2008, 11:13 AM
oshit, cant get pass you, now can i?
is "then" acceptable

Darren
08-06-2008, 11:14 AM
Just take that word out. "I realised..." is fine.

Slayer
08-07-2008, 02:07 AM
Not bad, but it does seem like you were trying too hard to sound intelligent.