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View Full Version : WRHG Battle: John Moore (Fellowman) vs Leif (Applecharm11 starhorse)



Fellowman
04-10-2016, 10:38 PM
So here are my and Applecharms works for our wrhg. This wrhg is our first so please judge our works fairly and give some critics on our works thank you.

The sun beamed, baking down on the two travellers.

"Where do you think he is?" Ginn huffed as they trekked through the grass plain.

"He couldn't have gotten far... he hasn't walked for a thousand years, he has to be out of practice." Leif replied, glancing around to look for the brown stickman.

She didn't wear her scarf and held Gem lightly in her right hand, though tight enough to be ready for an attack.

Ginn nodded, the dark grey man using Rowan, his dead stick as a hiking staff. His white pupils gleamed against black. A blotchy scar ran over his left eye. A set of dark veins webbed from below his right eye to down to his shoulder.

Leif brushed her dark green hair away from her face, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead.

It had been three days since they had left the Dojo to look for Dairu. And so far, nothing yet.

"So, you're that lot whose been searching for a young man?"

Startled by the sudden voice, both whirled around to face the newcomer.

He was a young man shrouded by a dark green cloak, that matched his irises that shimmered from the shadow cast by his cloak.

Ginn raised Rowan instinctively, the sharp edge aimed at the mysterious man. Rowan pulsed with a darkish aura.

Dark magic, The demon within the man's head spoke. Interesting.

"Who are you?" Ginn narrowed his eyes as he stepped protectively between Leif and the man.

"John," The man said, casually bringing his hand inside his cloak, drawing out his weapon from its sheath. "John Moore. Half human, demon and angel."

He pulled out an Italian Rapier. The thin and long blade attached to a fancy handle and colours. He slashed a figure 8 in the air before him. The weapon leaving a swish sound as it cut through the air.

"Look," Leid said, breaking in between them. "We don't want any trouble, we're just looking for-"

"I know you're that girl and man I heard about. You're searching for a boy." He said, inspecting the length of his rapier. "And people like you... do not impress me."

"W..What?" Before she could ask anymore, John slashed at her. Leif yelped, swiftly leaping back.

Angered by the intension of attack, Ginn threw himself at the foe.

This will be fun, The demon grinned within John's mind. A mix of a mortal and dark magic.

Let's make this quick, The angel replied.

The fusion of demon, human and angel ran up to meet the young man, weapon at ready.

Ginn stabbed Rowan into the ground, using it to spring over John Moore. The viking stopped and spun back, thrusting forward.

Ginn soared over the blade and as he fell to the other side, shot a burst of dark magic at the seemingly 23-year-old.

John sidestepped, letting the blast fly past. "I've fought since the times of vikings. I've been in the wars accumulated over these few eons."

He readied his rapier. "I am very interested to see what your generation has to offer."

John gleamed a white light, going Angellic, he shot forward with his highly raised speed.

Ginn looked around him with caution, the man circling him so fast, he was a blur that seemed to be everywhere at once. John emerged from behind, driving his rapier into Ginn's shoulder.

Ginn yelped, turning to face him when John had already sped behind him. He struck again, causing the grey man to yowl again.

This carried on for a few seconds. Then at the 7th second, John skidded to a stop, his burst of speed ending. He breathed slightly heavier, having used his abilities drained his strength easily.

Ginn was on his hands and knees, panting.

"Ginn!" Leif called, trying to reach him.

John stepped towards him, taking a darkish shine as he brought his fist forward.

Using his demonic punch, sent Ginn flying backwards, crashing horribly against a large rock. Upon impact, the peak of the rock broke off, crushing down onto Ginn, pinning him there as he gave a blood curdling scream.

He struggled frantically, grimacing. But all to no avail. He fell limp, breathing heavily as he stared at John Moore's blurry figure.

"Demonic Punch," John Moore mused. "Very effective against mortals."

Leif scowled, storming towards him, Gem clutched tightly, extending as a long sword that ate into the ground, leaving a trail of scratched earth.

"This won't be long either." John said, turning to face the approaching 14-year-old.

Leif swallowed her fear, only courage remaining. Ginn struggling under the large debris was enough to fuel her determination.

"Stop it, just let us go." She said, levelling her voice. "We really don't want any trouble."

"You gangsters always disappoint me." John replied, preparing his weapon. "Following and attacking the weaker."

"What are you-" Leif closed her mouth before finishing, bringing up Gem to meet the Rapier, stopping it from a hit to her head.

John parried away the strike and dropped down, attempting to slash at her legs.

Leif leapt into the air, Gem raised, she fell back down towards the cloaked being.

John rolled away, letting her leafy sword enter the crusty earth, unfortunately getting it stuck.

With widened eyes and panicked face, Leif pulled at Gem, attempting to pull it free from the ground's embrace.

Seizing the opportunity, John ran to her, fist encased with darkish flames.

Oh ho ho, foolish mortal, The demon chuckled. She's done for.

The wind was literally knocked out of Leif as she was struck in her upper torso. She gave a pained yowl as she was knocked to the ground, rolling backwards.

She came to a stop on the earth, huffing as she desperately regained her breath.

She brought one hand to her chest, where a bruise had formed. Wincing, she stared back at her opponent.

John Moore walked forward, standing between Leif and her Gem, still stuck in the ground.

"A very important rule I learnt in World War I," John said as he raised his rapier, looming over her. "Never lose your weapon."

He jabbed downwards, only to strike empty air. Leif had thrown herself to the side and quickly stood up, staggering on her feet.

"Another tip," Leif panted, eyes transfixed on John. "Don't hurt my friends."

Leif feigned left and struck right, throwing her body weight against the startled man. John Moore crashed onto his back, stunned.

Leif got up and made a dash for Gem.

John rolled onto his belly and eyes fixed on Leif, threw his rapier.

The weapon cut through the air, striking Leif in the back.

She gasped, blood forced from her mouth as she crashed forward, a stab mark on her back.

She crashed into the ground before rolling to a stop, a trail of blood behind her.

John walked over, reclaiming his blade from the ground. He walked past Gem, who was still wedged between the ground's jaws. He though he could see the leaf tremble slightly, a faint glow as it seemed to struggle from its bound.

Leif shuddered as she slowly crawled onto her hands and knees.

"I don't know who.. you think we are...but... I can tell you...that... we are not... gangsters..." Leif gasped, wincing, barely holding herself up. More blood dripped onto the grass at her hands. "And we do... not prey... on the... weaker..."

John grunted, continuing to advance. "But you are hunting a boy aren't you?"

"Yes... but it isn't-"

"Well, that seems to be unfair to me."

John readied his rapier as he drew closer.

Leif trembled, staring up at him. Her eyes fell close. "I can take being blamed for something I have not done..."

Her eyes opened again, a gleam of gold. "But leave my friends out of it."

Her palms took a golden sheen as they pressed against the red tainted ground.

Before John Moore could move, vines stretched out from the earth, straight at him. They grabbed him by his arms, pinning them in the air. Another vine reached out, slapping his weapon from his hand.

A vine appeared next to Gem, pulling it free.

Having been released by its trap, Gem reverted back to original state and flew into Leif's open hand. Leif staggered to her feet, chest heaving for breath.

John looked at his situation and closed his eyes. "This isn't enough to stop me."

A shockwave erupted from the green cloaked man.

The vines dissipate as the energy stretches out to them.

Gem deflects as a shield, protecting Leif as the shockwave breaks out.

John Moore picked up his rapier, staring back at Leif, both heavily breathing.

Huh, this one isn't down yet. The demon commented. She's a little tough one.

I need to be careful, John thought, staring back at the green girl. My abilities are draining my energy. I need to finish this quick.

Leif looked towards the direction of Ginn.

The grey man was still pinned down his lower torso by the huge rock. He's limp, hands dangling over the rock, head laid down. His breath shallow, blood marks where the rock had struck his chest.

Leif winced, I need to hurry. Ginn needs to get out of there.

Gem extended as a long leafy sword, the hilt strongly clasped by Leif's right hand.

John tightly grasped his rapier.

Both staring each other down.

John's green eye shone as he took a dark aura. His fist encased in black flames. But instead of a demonic punch, the energy flowed throughout his arm, onto his rapier. He aimed the weapon at Leif.

Leif's neck was suddenly warmed by a dark green scarf, fading in on its spot against her skin. It shimmered gold, spreading onto her eyes and Gem. John swore he could see a white girl appear next to her as time slowed around them. She wore an orange scarf and had brown hair. Her grey eyes sparkled as she placed a comforting hand on Leif's shoulder.

"You can do it, Leif." She says warmly, before dissolving into the air, taking the slowed time with her.

Then it happened.

Both shot forward, at the speed of light.

A golden trail surrounding Leif shot forward, to meet up with the darkened trail of Demonic John Moore.

A loud CLANG reverberated off the area, the sound of metals clashing ringing across the landscape.

Both pushed hard, desperate to overcome the other.

John pushed, slowly bringing his rapier down on Leif's sword.

Leif struggled, grunting as she tried to push back.

She let go, moving to the side and swinging Gem back in an arch, slashing John across the chest.

John's eyes widened at the change in attack.

Time froze for a moment.

John's startled look, Leif's blade slicing through his torso.

Leif's glowing gold eyes, blazing with determination.

John was thrown back, a cloud of dust kicking up as he crashed into the ground, rubbing in a trail before he skidded to a stop.

All stood still.

John slowly opened his eyes to see Leif walk towards him, sword in hand, eyes blazing.

"Go ahead," He muttered. "Finish me off."

But she walked past him.

Stunned, he turned, seeing where she was going.

Leif grabbed the rock pressing down on Ginn, Gem gripping the other side.

Three vines appeared, sharing the grip load.

All pulled, yanking the large debris off the grey man.

Ginn coughed, falling forward onto his hands and knees.

Leif bent down, stopping him from falling down. "Are you alright..?"

Ginn nodded weakly but was cut off by a grimace, his hand flew up to touch the spot on his chest were blood stained.

"You're hurt. Sit down." Leif helped her partner into a sitting position, against the rock.

"W..Wh...huh..?"

John stared. Why didn't she finish me off? They're gangsters aren't they not?"

Leif caught his gaze, staring back at him. "What?"

"Why didn't you..."

"Kill you? Yeah, you see, I don't do that." Leif replied, pressing a glowing Gem to Ginn's chest.

"But.. aren't you-"

"Yes, we're looking for a boy, Dairu. He's dangerous and we need to find him before he hurts anyone."

John closed his mouth, looking down. "Oh. I see."

"But.. you said you heard about us? A man and a girl hunting down a boy? What did you hear exactly?"

"Er... well.." John slowly sat up, seeing how all aggressiveness had left the area. "I heard about a man.. who had a spear and a girl with amber eyes were looking for a boy, Saurus I think."

Leif and Ginn exchanged glances.

"Hunter..?" Leif muttered. "But then the other...?"

She shook her head, facing John. "No, thats not us. Saurus is our friend."

"Oh, I...I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.."

"No, its alright." Leif said softly, bandaging Ginn's wound. "Given the circumstances I can understand the mistake."

John slowly stood. "Well then... again, I'm sorry... for attacking you and your friend."

Ginn glanced at John, a look of fear in his eyes.

But something else, a small fire burned in the back of his eyes, rage and anger.

"Its okay, I'm Leif by the way. This is Ginn."

"John Moore," John repeated. "I'm headed to the Dojo."

"We just left, its just on ahead." Leif said, pointing in the direction of the city.

"Right... thanks."

All three said nothing.

John sheathed his weapon, patting the dust from his cloak, he walked on, towards the direction Leif had advised him.

Looking back at them one last time, he disappeared across the grassy plain.

"You alright?" Leif asked, helping Ginn up.

"Yeah..." He panted, a hand thrown over Leif's shoulder for support.

"We'll head on a bit and then set up for the night. You need rest."

"I'm fine."

"Ginn, you're bleeding."

"... since you're beaten up pretty bad, yeah we'll take a break."

Leif chuckled. "Right right. Okay, sure."

Leaning against Leif, Ginn walked forward. Both walking in the opposite direction of John, one of the few toughest foes they had met.

But little did they know, that was just the first of the obstacles they'd face.

And little did they know, the enemy was among them.





“You sure you can challenge her? I mean she is tough you know, plus how can you beat her in your current conditi-““Shut it Mike,” John retorted in a hoarse voice. “Well alright, but are you sure you got those two under control?” Mike asked, his face a showing a bit of worry for John.

“Yeah, just shut it Mike!” John exclaimed, making his face glow a bit red, but soon turned pale oncemore. Mike sighed. “Don’t make any more foolish mistakes John. You might be older than me but you’re still a bit stupid.”

Before turning into golden dust, drifting through the wind. After a few seconds of Mikes departure John howled in pain as a strange purple aura began to envelope his entire body.
------------------------------------------------------------------
“How much longer Storm!” Leif complained, her feet already failing her. “Just a few more meters,” replied Storm, smiling at how easily Leif got tired. “Are you sure?” Leif asked, her face showing some hope. “Yeah, we’re almost to the dojo,” Storm assured her, making Leif jump in excitement. “I thought you were just tired a while ago?” “I was, till you said we’re almost there!” shouted Leif, her voice sounding so giddy.

Before they knew it, they were standing a few blocks from the dojo. “I don’t remember it being this way?” said Leif, as she looked dumbstruck at a small house like structure, which had a sign on its entrance which said: Hyun Hotel. “Leif over here,” said Storm, who pointed at a, you are here map. “Looks like they built a building near the training dojo.” ”So do we go in?” Leif asked, still a bit hesitant. “Sure,” said Storm, as she entered the building. “Storm wait, oh come on!” Leif due to being left by Storm, she had no choice but to enter.

When Leif entered she was shocked on how big the building was on the inside.
In this brief moment Leif went back outside to double check. As soon as she went back inside she said, “How is this possible!” ”Mic wizards magic?” Leif looked at her side and saw Storm staring at a picture of mic wizard with words encrypted on it saying: Give thanks to mic wizard for making the Hyun hotel’s magic possible.

Leif was about to say something when another voice said, “Ah, glad to have you back here Leif. How was your stay in Stickpage city?” Leif turned her head to the direction where the voice came from, and saw a man wearing some white gloves, and a dark green jacket with tails. His name tag read: Bob, Stickpage city, valued team member since 2012.

“Do you have any luggage?” ”Uh… no?” Bob grunted, slightly annoyed. “Alright I will escort you and Storm to your perspective room. Please do follow me, this place is quite big.” They followed him to inside an elevator where it had so many buttons. The highest number was 782, Bob pressed 32.

Throughout the entire elevator ride there was nothing to be heard whatsoever, that was until the elevators cage door went open. Floor 32 seemed like a nice place, other than the raging battle cries of other rhg gladiators, and the sound of weapons clashing inside there suites, it was fine.

Bob lead us through to our suites which already had our names encrypted on them, this kind of bothered Storm. Leif went inside without any hesitation, the room was shaped like a cross, the bedroom being in the furthest area. The living room was nice enough being given her own tv, and sofa.

Seeing how beautiful the suite was she ran and jumped into the bed, which was incredibly large yet comfy. The pillows were also soft and fluffy. Leif then visited the dressing area/bathroom which was in the right, the floor was tiled green and yellow, it had a hot tub, a walk in closet, and a walk in shower!

The walls of the suite were also remarkably beautiful, as the golden walls lit the room. To the left of the suite was her own kitchen. Leif never had a room liked this so she said to Bob, “How?” “Well, it would be a shame if this place didn’t feel great to yah. Honestly though you are one of the unlucky ones I’ve seen a lot more with better rooms.” Leif didn’t care at all what Bob said, tonight was going to be the night where she would sleep in a comfy area.

Skip

Leif woke up at around nine o clock in the morning, and yawned, her hair quite messy. She stood up and fixed her bed still looking like a mess. She took a bath and changed into her regular attire after. The day was rather silent nothing extraordinary or special happened, until someone sent her a crimson colored letter. Leif was inside her suite when she received it, she didn’t know what it was, fortunately though Storm came in just in time.

“Oh hey Storm! Uh… do you know what this letter means?” Leif asked, still unsure of the purpose of the letter. Storm was suddenly startled by the envelope. “Well would you look at that. You got challenged!” Leif eyes widened. ”Really?” She asked, curious. “Yeah. A lot of people get those type of letter. Normally they just contain the address though.” Leif stared at the crimson letter again, inspecting it. “Alright open it!” Storm looked pretty proud of Leif for some reason. “Wait how do you know it’s not going to be a trap like last time?” Leif asked, stopping herself in tearing the letter for a moment.

“Well I’m going to come with you of course!” Storm replied. Leif stared at Storm for a moment, then shrugged “Heh, why not? Come on lets go.” Leif went out of her suite catching a few words from Storm as she went. “Wait now?!” “Well, yeah. I want better now than tomorrow.” Storm nodded at Leif’s response. Leif and Storm went inside the elevator and pressed the button that had two letters shown in it, TP.

As the Elevator went down Leif took out the crimson colored paper then opened it.Just like what Storm said the paper didn’t even say who the challenger was, it only put the area that they would meet: Fluidanims factory. Suddenly a small leaf appeared out of her pocket, a certain leaf she named Gem. “Oh hey Gem, nice to see you again,” said Leif.

Gem flew right next to the crimson letter, and glowed in a goldish color, as if to say, it’s a challenge isn’t it? “Yeah Storm said so,” She guessed. The elevators cage door went open, and both Leif and storm were greeted with a bunch of mic wizard’s cannons, as well as a cannoneer.

“Alright so where dyou yah would wanna go laddiez?” The cannoneer laughed and grabbed the piece of paper out of Leif’s hands. “So dyou are goin too the Fluidanimz aredja!” The cannoneers way of speech confused Leif a bit, but she managed to understand some of it and nodded.

“Alright then! Would dyah pleaze folloz me laddiez!” The canonneer said, laughin while he led her to one of the cannons. “Go in now, laddiez. What dyah wait fer huh? Come on now getz inzined.” The cannoneer showed both of them to individual cannons, both of which had an entrance into them. “Uh… you sure this is sa-“Leif didn’t get that chance to finish her sentence, since she was immediately shoved inside the cannon.

“Wait what are you doing!” screamed Leif, her voice now filled with panic. “Don’t dyah worry laddies this piece of junk can shot dyah the wher’d dyah wanza bee!” What do you mean shot me?!” Leif was now panicking so loudly that she seemed she was going insane. Leif attempted to climb out of the cannon.

“Fire! “Was the last thing Leif heard before a loud crack of sound came out of the cannon. Leif opened her eyes, and realized she was soaring up the clouds, but the amount of air she was taking in was tremendous leading her to scream. “Oh my God!!!” shrieked Leif, as she passed countless off clouds. She saw thousands of buildings below her, and the thought crashing into one was did not help her at all. While Leif was closing her eyes in fear, Storm was whooping, as the adrenaline got in her.

For a few moments Leif glided through the sky still not staring down, but suddenly she felt Gem wrapping around like a shield, making her open her eyes. The good news was the cannon led her to the Fluidanims factory, the bad news was she was going to smash head first into it. Leif quickly took Gem onto her hand, and told him to turn to an umbrella, Gem did what he was told, but at the rate they were falling in, it would still not work.

Leif closed her eyes, expecting to be a pile of mush in the factory soon, but then all the feeling off falling wasn’t there anymore, she opened her eyes, and saw that she and Storm were on the ground safe and sound, and were just a few meters from the factory. Leif puzzled wondered on how this happened, then she looked at Gem. when Gem saw her looking at itself it glowed as if to say, what? “Oh forget it,” Leif said, and hurried toward the factory.

Leif and Storm walked silently towards the factory. Once they entered the factory both were met with a not so satisfying sight. It was dark, abandoned, disgusting, and silent, those were the things Leif decided was what the place was like. They both walked quietly in the factory, only the sound of their footsteps could be heard now. Suddenly two figures came out of their hiding spots. One hid in the ceiling the other behind a pillar. One had Blond hair, with blue irises, the other with brown hair, and green irises.

The brown haired one looked much more serious than the blond one who seemed to be more worried than serious. “So who’s the one you’re going to fight?” spoke the blond haired one, a bit frightened of what was about to happen. “The one with the leaf,” said the brown haired one, as his eyes focused on Gem.

The blond one sighed then said, “Hey you.” He pointed at Storm, “Get out of this part of the factory, if you want to watch then go there,” as he pointed at a rusty looking car a good distance away from us. Storm scowled, but still followed the blond ones orders and went to the rusty old car.

The blond haired one then turned into a cloud of golden dust flying up to the ceiling of the factory.
Once both Storm and blondie were out of harm’s way the guy with the green eyes spoke, “Hey the names John Moore, and the cloud of fart that’s above both of us is named Mike Henderson.” His way of speaking surprised Leif quite a bit, a while ago he was dead serious now he was acting just like he just won the
lottery.

Leif however thought that not replying would be rude so she replied, “Oh hi John, so you’re the one who challenged me huh? Well be prepared to lose!” Leif said this all in a confident tone, yet John just seemed to smile.

“Oh I don’t think that would happen,” John said, his expression turning sadistic as he unsheathe his rapier. “You see I can’t really lose to a mortal like you, you know?” John said, his sadistic smile bothered Leif quite a lot. Leif maintained her confidence and retorted, “Oh really? Well sorry if you didn’t win the battle okay?” Leif then went into her battle stance with Gem by her right.

Surprisingly John laughed, a rather disturbing one too. “Oh you mortals are so funny, you do realize you’re not fighting John anymore right?” Johns comment seemed to have made everyone in the building silent. In a twist of events the cloud of smoke that was Mike Henderson went straight at John materializing back into a human. He punched John with all his might, but John didn’t even budge, and retaliated by punching Mike in the gut, which made Mike fly across the room collapsing on another rusty car.

It all happened so fast that everyone was in utter shock. “Oh sorry I forgot to mention to Mike that his friend isn’t here anymore! Hahahaha did you see his face when he found out man that was hilarious!” John laughed and laughed, before he regained his consciousness and said, “Oh where were we again oh yes!” John the leaped at Leif, with his rapier at his hand aiming for her leg to immobilize her. Johns speed was great, but Gem blocked the attack by turning into a shield.

Leif then pushed her Gem shield, to make John stumble back, it worked and he had to step back. “Oooooooh a transforming leaf, me likey, maybe I’ll take it once I finish dismembering you!” John leapt at Leif once again and created a purple like forcefield. It took Leif a while to realize that both John and Leif were inside the forcefield. “No way in, no way out,” John mused, as he swiped at Leif again.

Gem was being a good shield, but defense can’t beat John on its own, so she told Gem to become a sword, and it did. Leif parried Johns blow, but was met with another strike than almost severed her arm, but instead made a simple flesh wound.

Every move John made he did with a sadistic smile, even licking his lips while he does so. John slashed, swiped, and even thrusted, though none hit Leif’s heart but made some wounds that will soon turn into scars. John attempted to thrust once more, unfortunately for him this time Leif dodged the attack and kicked John at the side of his head with immense power topple down. “Ooh that hurt. Let’s do it again! “shouted John, as he tried to stand back up.

“If you say so” Leif replied, gaining back her confidence.
Seeing that John was still in his knees she lunged forward at him turning Gem into a Warhammer as hard as titanium (Yes Leif knows how durable Gem can be) and hit him right at the stomach, but instead of meeting a soft belly, the hammer met a hand with a purple aura glowing around it.

“Let see how strong this thing is.” As he squeezed on Gem the warhammer. Suddenly both Gem and Leif felt a searing pain making them both jump back. John stood up, wiping the dirt off his cloak, suddenly he disappeared. Leif turned gem back into a shield, being weary of what trick John would do next. Leif stood in the corner off the forcefield, more thrilled than afraid.

Leif stood there for a while, the silence almost unbearable, until a bolt of fire came out from the ceiling of the forcefield. It was John, he apparently teleported somehow.
The bolt of fire hit the shield with tremendous power, knocking Leif to the edge of the forcefield, the impact of Leifs body shattered the forcefield which was weakened from John’s pain.

That was where Storm decided to jump in. “Don’t you dare hurt my friend!” John attention was then turned towards Storm who looked like was having trouble in trying to parkour through the amount of rubble in the factory. In this short moment, Leif seized her chance and ran towards John. John was still distracted from the mere sight of watching Storm struggle, that when he turned back to face Leif, he was met with a punch from a leafy gauntlet. “Got you!” said Leif, her voice filled with triumph.

John tried to regain his footing but then found himself pinned, as both of Leif’s legs wrapped around his neck, with the leafy gauntlet now a sword which was uncomfortably close to his head. “I swear I’ll do it,” Leif bluffed, hoping she could end the fight already.

“Really well then I don’t think you mind me doing this?” John said, as a twelve inch long dagger appeared on John’s hand. Leif didn’t have the time to evade the attack, so she felt the sharp weapon pierce through her left leg. Leif would’ve have been torn to shred if Storm hadn’t’ came in. Storm tackled John down to the ground yelling, “Fuck you! I won’t let you kill her you monster!” She pinned him down to the ground, while barraging him with lightning charged punches bruising John quite a lot of times.
Leif tried to stand back up, but only it made the pain worse.

In the chaos Mike who was previously unconscious woke from his slumber, and was terrified at what he was seeing. He stood up and saw Leif who lying on the ground as blood spewed from her left leg, with a dagger attached to it. He limped his way towards Leif, helping her stand up. But as Leif stood up, Storm shot through the room. John stood up once more, quiet annoyed.

He noticed Mike helping Leif, and quickly appeared behind him, stabbing him with it at the right of his stomach with the rapier. After that he held Leif right at her neck, who was now pleading for help. “Oh my you have beautiful eyes, shame that I got to take em out.” John laughed maniacally. He continued on chocking Leif for one minute till John could no longer feel Leif breathe, he took off his grip from her and said, “Well that was fun.”

He began walking towards Mike’s once more unconscious body. “It’s not fatal. Good,” said John, as he examined the wound.
He was about to carry Mike’s body when a type of orange gold light came from behind, he turned around and saw the leaf was enveloping it’s master with the light. “What the hell are you do—“A bright light
erupted from the area, stopping John from finishing his sentence. As the light cleared, John who was scowling regained his power to see.

John glanced at the area puzzled how the light suddenly appeared, as he gazed upon the area he noticed Leif’s body was floating up in the air and was giggling.

“Wow, didn’t see that coming,” John admitted, as he looked upon the sight before him. Apparently Leif could now summon more transforming leaves, as she was surrounded by an army of them, also it seemed that she was refreshed or energized as power seemed to flow inside her.

“Want to have a rematch?” Leif said in a happy tone. John didn’t even respond this time instead he went into combat guns ablazing. Leif had no fear in her eyes and glided over to John with a dark green scarf to comfort her neck. Both the combatants clashed in an epic duel that lasted for many minutes, but John seemed to be very exhausted already. John tried a final attempt to fatally hit her but only got a bruise to the face making him fall down to the ground.

“Yay I won!” Leif said, her face filled with glee. “Not yet,” John replied, struggling to even stand up. “Come on silly! You know you can’t beat me if you’re beaten up!” Leif smiled knowing she could counter every move John could. “Alright then, one final attack finish it all!” Leif considered, giving John a chance. “Ready?” said Leif, as the army of leaves prepared to strike at any moment.

“Yeah,” John replied, as a hundred daggers suddenly appeared before him, each one suddenly flinging themselves onto Leif, only to be deflected by Gems duplicates. Leaves as hard as titanium clashed with daggers with the power of a demon.

Both sides were in a stalemate, that was until John began to tire down. The number of daggers began to whittle down as John got more tired each passing moment. Leif noticed this and strengthened the attack of her leaves, by shooting goldish magical blasts from the gem duplicates at the knives and John.

After a few moments, all of John’s daggers lay at the floor of the factory, while he laid at the side of a rubber car wheel, beaten up from the barrage of magical projectiles. Leif walked towards John and noticed he was wheezing, but was still alive. “Good game,” She said, as she extended her own arm. “You’re not going to kill me?” “Why should I?” Leif replied, her face showing some sympathy. John laughed weakly. He took Leif’s hand and said, “hahaha, you shouldn’t have spared me mate.”

John grip tightened on Leif’s hand, flames then appeared on John’s body surrounding him, but it did not seem to hurt him or affect his skin. John reached for his rapier, and stabbed Leif on her stomach. Leif cried in pain, her new found energy already failing her. Leif was about to pass out when four arms grabbed her away from John. “You can’t leave this place so easily!” John called out, as he threw more bolts of fire at Leif’s direction.

Leif tilted her head slightly, and saw Mike and Storm trying to drag her away from the destruction. The factory was lit aflame, even the metal parts of the rusty cars were melting away. Before Leif passed out the last thing she saw was a burning John pouncing on them.

SKIP

Leif found herself in a white room, not a single speck of darkness could be seen or even a shadow. There were only two people inside her and another person, who wore a ski mask and a shirt that says, For the Win! He noticed that Leif was there and immediately took of the ski mask revealing an angelic like look. He was well tanned, and had blond hair like Mike, also his pale white eyes closely resembled hers. “Oh do you not like it? I’m trying new types of clothing to fit me best,” The man said, his shining bright teeth were amazing.

“Uh… where am I exactly? Am I dead?” Leif asked dumbfounded. “One, I don’t know, two, and no you’re not dead yet” The man replied. “Wait, what do you mean I’m not dead yet?” Leif asked, still a bit confused. “Well you’re dying right now, but you’re still alive. Wait just wait! Panicking will just hasten your death okay? So don’t try to do anything stupid even in your mind okay?” Leif took his advice and began slowly breathing, trying to relax herself a bit more.

“Oh, yes how rude! My name is Zoriath the angel.” Zoriath then bowed as if he just produced a magic trick. “And you must be Leif, the opponent of my host!” Zoriath walked over to Leif and shaked her hand excitedly, and Leif was happy to shake back. Leif then took her hand off Zoriath’s grip, and said, “What do you mean host?” Zoriath’s turned pale and began looking depressed.

“Well it’s a very long story, you see back in the day a demon possessed John.” “Really?! I’m shocked I tell you.” Zoriath didn’t bother Leif’s sarcasm and went on with the story. “And I was sent to deal with him. Unfortunately before I could banish the demon back to the underworld, It casted a spell that converged all three of our souls. Though we could still talk in our own minds without the other one knowing what we are thinking, it has been horrible. I had to cooperate with that demon without letting it take control of John as it was my duty, however one day me and the demon tried to form a deal, but alas it was a trap.” Zoriath paused. Leif could feel Zoriaths regret refraining him to talk once more, but he did.

“When the demon managed to fool me, he sent me here, rather nice of him to send me to a place I can relax though. That was when Johns mental defenses broke, and that was when the demon took control of his—“ Zoriath’s voice faltered, as he began slowly sobbing. Leif comforted him a bit by patting him in the back, it worked, but he still kept sobbing slightly.

“It’s just unbearable you know? The amount of stress I’ve been through as well as John. The amount of friends we made only for them to day in front of our eyes.” “I can relate.””Yes you can, but what you experienced is not puny compared to what John has.” Leif seemed confused. “What why? We both experienced hardships and lost friends along the way.”

Zoriath wiped his eyes with his hand and continued, “Imagine that you can live forever, no matter what happens. Imagine being thrown into a pit of lava only to be reincarnated a century later. Imagine making friends, only to see them turn to dust as time goes by. Now tell me who is in the sadder predicament.” Leif stood there, as an awkward silence filled the room, but was once again broken by Zoriath.

“Wait did what I just say uncomfort you? Oh I'm really sorry, I idn't mean to make you sad! As punishment you can punch me.” Zoriath finished, and prepared for the strike to come while posing in a stupid manner. After the sentence Leif was awfully quite, yet was blushing from how Zoriath just acted, so she muttered one word: lol.

Zoriath smiled, going back into his regular stance. “Well that’s all for now, and have fun being defibrillated!” Zoriath waved goodbye, as Leif slowly began to wake up, but still pondered what he meant by defibrillated.

AS Zoriath had promised, she felt a defibrillator pressing on her skin, as volts of electricity coursed through her body. “She’s awake! Thank God! Now I can get some cash!” said one of the doctors inside the room. Leif noticed she was laying on a bed so she made her upper body stand up. She saw Storm face through one of the mirrors, and smiled at her, before going outside to meet her, much to the doctors’ persistence to keep her inside to rest.

Leif greeted Storm by hugging her, making her blush. “Ah… you didn’t have to do that Leif,” said Storm, as Leif released Storm from her grasp. “I know, but it just seems right you’re one of my only friends left,” Leif replied, as she remembered what Zoriath said of John’s friends. Both Leif and Storm left the Dojo health care and walked outside, talking while at it.

“So how’d you exactly save me?” Leif asked, curiosity filling her. “Well Mike did most of the job, heck I don’t even know what he did. He just ran at John, and poof, they were both gone.” Leif exhaled, still not able to take the image of a burning John running towards her.

“Well I’m just glad to be alive. I might challenge Buh Bob though his handsome face just makes me want to hunt him down.” “I heard that he was captured though” Storm replied hastily. “Alright. Then I’ll just watch a movie with my pal.”

Said Leif, as she put her left hand on Storm shoulder. “Alright! Now you’re speaking my language!” Both friends continued talking till they got to the cinema and watched a movie. This was a day that both friends would indeed remember. As the sunset could be seen in the horizon, the pink sky begins to fade. As the night goes dark another adventure awaits at dawn.

Kamiroo Wolf
04-10-2016, 11:32 PM
Welp! Proof that less is more! I'm voting for AppleCharm!

@Fellowman, your story wasn't awful. It was hard to follow at times, switched between perspectives, misused a few words here and there, and seems like it would have made a much better animation than story... but it wasn't awful. The reason I'm voting for AppleCharm is because, where your story had an abundance of unnecessary parts and choppy explanations, his was short, sweet, and much easier to follow.

I'm by no means a writing guru, but some things you could try to work on are organization and character development. The only character I actually felt in the story was Zoriath and that's because... idk I like angels? But even he and a few other characters felt like, as mentioned above, they were apart of some cheesy anime or Hyun's Dojo animation. As for organization, I would recommend cutting apart areas where characters are speaking and helping to clarify just who it is that is talking. It might have just been me but I had an admittedly difficult time at the point where they greeted Bob in the Hyun Hotel. I didn't know who the fuck was speaking when xD and please excuse my language.

All in all, I appreciate the work each of you put in to the story, but there were times where Fellowman's was just too much and too little at the same time.

Hewitt
04-11-2016, 12:02 AM
The sun beamed, baking down on the two travellers.
As opposed to baking up? Just "baked" is fine.

"Where do you think he is?" Ginn huffed as they trekked through the grass plain.

"He couldn't have gotten far... he hasn't walked for a thousand years, he has to be out of practice." Leif replied, glancing around to look for the brown stickman.

She didn't wear her scarf and held Gem lightly in her right hand, though tight enough to be ready for an attack.
Look, it's either you held em lightly or tightly which one is it? But I get it, you wanna say both but don't really know how. Rather than describe how hard the character is holding something, use a description that explains a characteristic. She could hold it carefully (to express caution) or closely to her heart (to express how precious it is to her) or her fingers shake as she holds it (to express fear in her actions).

Ginn nodded, the dark grey man using Rowan, his dead stick as a hiking staff. His white pupils gleamed against black. A blotchy scar ran over his left eye. A set of dark veins webbed from below his right eye to down to his shoulder.

Leif brushed her dark green hair away from her face, wiping a bead of sweat from her forehead.

It had been three days since they had left the Dojo to look for Dairu. And so far, nothing yet.

"So, you're that lot whose been searching for a young man?"

Startled by the sudden voice, both whirled around to face the newcomer.
I dunno this just sounds weird. I'm frankly weirded out by every instance of people just appearing out of nowhere like there is literally no other way to describe them. A "newcomer" is defined someone who just entered a group. So yeah...in the meta sense this voice just appeared. But see, how can he be a newcomer if he had had to be there this whole time so that these people could even hear him. Point is, you can't just say someone appears and no one's noticed without giving a reason for it. Was he just really go at hiding? Introduce your characters, don't be lazy with contrived shit like this.

He was a young man shrouded by a dark green cloak, that matched his irises that shimmered from the shadow cast by his cloak.
See, like in this sentence. I feel like this should've come before the last one. Coming into a scene only as a voice only to reveal yourself after is a technique used in visual media because its visually enticing. But in a storybook fashion, it makes no sense.

Ginn raised Rowan instinctively, the sharp edge aimed at the mysterious man. Rowan pulsed with a darkish aura.
Darkish is not a word. Don't be lazy and describe the shade.

Dark magic, The demon within the man's head spoke. Interesting.
You should use different formats to represent speech from the mind or other sources. Italicize them or something.

"Who are you?" Ginn narrowed his eyes as he stepped protectively between Leif and the man.

"John," The man said, casually bringing his hand inside his cloak, drawing out his weapon from its sheath. "John Moore. Half human, demon and angel."
He pulled out an Italian Rapier. The thin and long blade attached to a fancy handle and colours. He slashed a figure 8 in the air before him. The weapon leaving a swish sound as it cut through the air.
These 2 sentences could have been merged together. There was really no reason to not describe the weapon when he drew it out first because it wasn't concealed or anything.

<<<I don't critique Battles because they're so cliche and repetitive.>>>

"You're hurt. Sit down." Leif helped her partner into a sitting position, against the rock.

"W..Wh...huh..?"

John stared. Why didn't she finish me off? They're gangsters aren't they not?"
Because all gangsters finish people off, amirite? That makes no sense because no context is given. Rather than tell us they're gangsters, tell us about the people being described.

I'm stopping here. This should be enough.



“You sure you can challenge her? I mean she is tough you know, plus how can you beat her in your current conditi-““Shut it Mike,” John retorted in a hoarse voice. “Well alright, but are you sure you got those two under control?” Mike asked, his face a showing a bit of worry for John.

“Yeah, just shut it Mike!” John exclaimed, making his face glow a bit red, but soon turned pale oncemore. Mike sighed. “Don’t make any more foolish mistakes John. You might be older than me but you’re still a bit stupid.”So he just waited for his face to go back to normal before continuing on with his conversation? Do you know how long it takes for blushing to subside complete? That must've been an awkward silence.

Before turning into golden dust, drifting through the wind.Uhh I think you had a real sentence going on here and it just gave up halfway

After a few seconds of Mikes departure John howled in pain as a strange purple aura began to envelope his entire body.
------------------------------------------------------------------
“How much longer Storm!” Leif complained, her feet already failing her. “Just a few more meters,” replied Storm, smiling at how easily Leif got tired. “Are you sure?” Leif asked, her face showing some hope. “Yeah, we’re almost to the dojo,”I don't usually correct grammar but this is very basic preposition use. You're almost AT the dojo. The destination is a place, not a means. Storm assured her, making Leif jump in excitement. “I thought you were just tired a while ago?” “I was, till you said we’re almost there!” shouted Leif, her voice sounding so giddy.

Before they knew it, they were standing a few blocks from the dojo. “I don’t remember it being this way?”Why is this a question said Leif, as she looked dumbstruck at a small house like structure, which had a sign on its entrance which said: Hyun Hotel. “Leif over here,” said Storm, who pointed at a, you are here map.Why is there a comma and why is You Are Here not in caps “Looks like they built a building near the training dojo.” ”So do we go in?”Why are there two quotes from the same person one before the other? Leif asked, still a bit hesitant. “Sure,” said Storm, as she entered the building. “Storm wait, oh come on!” Leif due to being left by Storm, she had no choice but to enter.

When Leif entered she was shocked on how big the building was on the inside. AT how big it was
In this brief moment Leif went back outside to double check. As soon as she went back inside she said, “How is this possible!” ”Mic wizards magic?” Leif looked at her side and saw Storm staring at a picture of mic wizard with words encrypted on it saying: Give thanks to mic wizard for making the Hyun hotel’s magic possible.Barring the idiocy of this plot device (that the hotel was made from magic and our characters just chose to believe that based on something they read), why would a sign for a hotel be inside the hotel instead of outside where people can see in order to enter it in the first place?

Leif was about to say something when another voice said, “Ah, glad to have you back here Leif. How was your stay in Stickpage city?” Leif turned her head to the direction where the voice came from, and saw a man wearing some white gloves, and a dark green jacket with tails. His name tag read: Bob, Stickpage city, valued team member since 2012. Okay I already mentioned this for apple. There is no reason a suddenly onscreen character would make no noise or presence until they suddenly can just because they say something out of thin air. It's not that its implausible (that he could just be in another room and came in on these guys), but how the text was presented to follow a format reminiscent of a visual sort of media.

Also, there's no need to say so much clutter. Of course she'd turn her head in the direction of the voice; where else would she turn to? Just write "She turned her head." Of course Leif was gonna say something; they were having a convo previously right? Just write "A voice suddenly chimed in from behind the front desk." These attempts to extend words on a paragraph are lazy and redundant.

“Do you have any luggage?” ”Uh… no?” Bob grunted, slightly annoyed. “Alright I will escort you and Storm to your perspective room.Respective. What does a perspective room even mean? That the room changes based on where you are?! Please do follow me, this place is quite big.” They followed him to inside an elevator where it had so many buttons. The highest number was 782, Bob pressed 32. this should be 2 sentences.

Throughout the entire elevator ride there was nothing to be heard whatsoever That's because the elevator travelled in space where even the elevator itself or air couldn't be heard at all. Yeah nice try being lazy about the transition. If you don't find the ride up significant, just don't mention it and skip to the arrival., that was until the elevators cage door went open. Floor 32 seemed like a nice place, other than the raging battle cries of other rhg gladiators, and the sound of weapons clashing inside there suites, it was fine.I know this is meant to be funny in the way that battles are suppose to be normal stuff, but why weren't these sounds heard on the way up? In fact, sounds should've been heard as it was going up in EVERY FLOOR if we're going by the logic of this hotel.

Bob lead us through to our suites which already had our names encrypted on themYou mean Engraved right? Because encrypted is something hackers do to make passwords unreadable. If they were encrypted how would they know it was even their names on it?! This is the 2nd time you've used a word wrongly. You have to google words you don't know before trying them out., this kind of bothered Storm. Leif went inside without any hesitation, the room was shaped like a cross, the bedroom being in the furthest area. The living room was nice enough being given her own tv, and sofa.

Seeing how beautiful the suite was she ran and jumped into the bedso he tore open the mattress and dove into the foam and springs? She ran and jumped ON the bed. Jesus, preposition use please., which was incredibly large yet comfy. The pillows were also soft and fluffy. Leif then visited the dressing area/bathroom which was in the right, the floor was tiled green and yellow, it had a hot tub, a walk in closet, and a walk in shower!

The walls of the suite were also remarkably beautiful, as the golden walls lit the room. To the left of the suite was her own kitchen. Leif never had a room liked this so she said to Bob, “How?” “Well, it would be a shame if this place didn’t feel great to yah. Honestly though you are one of the unlucky ones I’ve seen a lot more with better rooms.” Leif didn’t care at all what Bob said, tonight was going to be the night where she would sleep in a comfy area.

Skip

Leif woke up at around nine o clock in the morning, and yawned, her hair quite messy. She stood up and fixed her bed still looking like a mess. She took a bath and changed into her regular attire after. The day was rather silent nothing extraordinary or special happened,What, is there like a curfew for all the battles happening in the rooms? Did they just all tucker out and go to bed at the same time? until someone sent her a crimson colored letter. Leif was inside her suite when she received it, she didn’t know what it was, fortunately though Storm came in just in time.

“Oh hey Storm! Uh… do you know what this letter means?” Leif asked, still unsure of the purpose of the letter. Storm was suddenly startled by the envelope. “Well would you look at that. You got challenged!” Leif eyes widened. ”Really?” She asked, curious. “Yeah. A lot of people get those type of letter. Normally they just contain the address though.” Leif stared at the crimson letter again, inspecting it. “Alright open it!” Storm looked pretty proud of Leif for some reason. “Wait how do you know it’s not going to be a trap like last time?” Leif asked, stopping herself in tearing the letter for a moment.This statement makes it look like the letter itself is the trap. It wasn't really significant to mention leif stopping herself from opening the letter if the letter isn't outright dangerous.

“Well I’m going to come with you of course!” Storm replied. Leif stared at Storm for a moment, then shrugged “Heh, why not? Come on lets go.” Leif went out of her suite catching a few words from Storm as she went. “Wait now?!” “Well, yeah. I want better now than tomorrow.” Storm nodded at Leif’s response. Leif and Storm went inside the elevator and pressed the button that had two letters shown in it, TP.Did I miss something here? What does TP mean?

As the Elevator went down Leif took out the crimson colored paper then opened it.Just like what Storm said the paper didn’t even say who the challenger was, it only put the area that they would meet: Fluidanims factory. Suddenly a small leaf appeared out of her pocket, a certain leaf she named Gem. “Oh hey Gem, nice to see you again,” said Leif.

Gem flew right next to the crimson letter, and glowed in a goldishOkay Apple made the error of using darkish, now you're using goldish. Like srsly what is even goldish? color, as if to say, it’s a challenge isn’t it? Really, she can tell just by seeing the color? Maybe it could also have meant "lets not do this" or "Mmmmm, paper." “Yeah Storm said so,” She guessed. The elevators cage door went open, and both Leif and storm were greeted with a bunch of mic wizard’s cannons, as well as a cannoneer.

“Alright so where dyou yah would wanna go laddiez?” The cannoneer laughed and grabbed the piece of paper out of Leif’s hands. “So dyou are goin too the Fluidanimz aredja!” The cannoneers way of speech confused Leif a bit, but she managed to understand some of it and nodded.In general, writing the accent literally is a little racist but if you don't care about that, it's just dumb and distracting. Just mention that the cannoneer has an accent and leave it to the readers to imagine it

Okay I think that should be enough I'm stopping here as well.

Final verdict: Even though fellowman's work feels more meaty and structured, it is wrought by an ignorance of very basic grammatical cues and wrong words used. Normally this wouldn't be a problem but it is because of those kerfluffles that entire sentences have changed in meaning. It's a mess. It's a shame because he sets up this universe and setting unique to anything thus far. Not questioning how stupid the concept of a Hyun Hotel is, I honestly wanna say Apples' is more readable and understandable even though his/her work reads a little more cliche. And Apples' errors are more forgiveable, chalking it to a lack rather than a misinterpretation of how to write well.

I would go for apples. If I was voting.

Fellowman
04-11-2016, 12:14 AM
As what Veir once said, I got rekt.

Edit: Also thanks Hewitt and Kamiroo I'll keep my mistakes in mind

Kamiroo Wolf
04-12-2016, 08:09 PM
I wish more people cared enough to read these things and vote.

Would it be a bit much to say this section is kinda... well, y'know... dead as of late? Eh. Then again, maybe everyone's just busy with school, work, etc.

Haru
04-12-2016, 09:03 PM
I wish more people cared enough to read these things and vote.

Would it be a bit much to say this section is kinda... well, y'know... dead as of late? Eh. Then again, maybe everyone's just busy with school, work, etc.

This part of stickpage has always been a bit dead.
Some battles there would only be 1-5 votes. And that was it.

Kamiroo Wolf
04-12-2016, 09:24 PM
This part of stickpage has always been a bit dead.
Some battles there would only be 1-5 votes. And that was it.

Yeah, I suppose it was because I joined somewhere around the end of summer that I saw as much activity(relative to the past week or so) as I did. My apologies for(sort of) overreacting.

Hewitt
04-13-2016, 03:18 AM
This place is dead because wrhgs are dead. When will people realize that.

Things like Battle of Genre should be what everyone should strive to do, not treat is as a special one off thing

Applecharm11 Starhorse
04-14-2016, 09:41 PM
Hey Fellowman, your part was interesting. :) Though I agree with some, it was hard to follow at some times. Plus, you got two wrong facts. Number one, Gem is a GIRL. Two, Storm never curses. If she does, its '****'.

Hewitt
04-14-2016, 09:57 PM
Thats the same as cursing >_> The asterisks are a literary device for the readers.

A character who doesn't swear but does, does so through the use of hush words (dag nabbit) or stutters and mumbles/