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View Full Version : Ergos, The energy priest(shadowmirror) VS Najenda(Najenda)



shadowmirror
05-28-2016, 06:24 PM
Ok! we will see an awesome fight today!

The shy guy that thinks that energy is every he needs.... Ergos, the energy priest! VERSUS The girl that makes all the dragons bow with her sword and her scythe.... Najenda!

Only screams

The wind swirled around the forest as he silently danced with his eyes closed. He extended his arms letting the energy inside his gloves, go out slowly, forming a spinning blue veil like mist around him as he was smiling.

He opened his eyes again, watching the mystical mist that he created. Suddenly he remembered his brothers and their tails, then he looked down. He wondered why he was born as human and not as a kitsune like his brothers. The blue mist was becoming darker with each thought.

He calmed down breathing deeply, he didn’t wanted to lose control over his body again. With a move of his hands, the energy started to be reabsorbed by the gloves as he watched them. They were very useful as they were compatible with his fighting style, but they had a big influence over him. If he gets extremely mad for any reason, the gloves would start to absorb tremendous amounts of energy leaking it through his veins driving him insane for an amount of time.

The song of the little birds brought him back and he smiled, he wouldn’t let his gloves control him again. Suddenly he felt something could behind him, someone was emanating a massive amount of ominous energy, and a fight wasn’t what he wanted so he started to walk through the forest quickly.

The young man found a large lake with sparkling water in the middle of the forest, he searched on his coat and found a small bottle, and he laid on his knees, filled the bottle, and then drank some of the refreshing natural water.

“I think that they stopped moving, good cause that feeling was terrifying“

But it was too soon to talk, he felt something crawling up his back, the ominous energy was back. He heard the sound of a sudden flame blast then he made a force field around him, just waiting to see who attacked him, then the attack stopped. He dissipated the force field and started to recollect energy as he looked down, remaining of the fire where scattered near his feet, they were glowing with a blue color, that means that was a special type of fire.

Then he looked up again and in front of him were two cloaked person. The first one was very tall and with their arms crossed and the second was smaller than the previous with a ball of blue fire on the right hand, the young man sighed as his gloves started to gain a very light blue glow. He was used to be hunted down by the servants of the God Chikara for years, everyone using a special ability like special flames, summoning different kind of beasts, cursed weapons, he was used to all that and by seeing the situation, that would be repeated again.

“Sister that opponent will be easy for you, you will not have to teleport or use your sword, you will be fine with just with the scythe and the powers of the orb, that’s all you need” the tall cloaked man said looking to the smaller woman as she just nodded in agreement

The girl summoned a pitch black double edged scythe and shot another blast of blue flames to the young man with gauntlets. He made a shield in front of him to stand the flames, then he made a gesture with his left hand and pushed the shield forward repelling the flames on the process as he ran backwards trying to escape the battle.

The girl avoided the flying shield and looked to her brother, then the cloaked duo started to run following their prey. The gray eyed guy made an energy board and jumped on it, blasting energy back to propel himself, he didn’t wanted to fight and lose control of himself again, he wouldn’t stand it, see all the blood on the ground again.

The girl then appeared above him striking her scythe downwards and making a cut on his right arm. The gray eyed screamed and released more of his energy, enhancing the sound of the scream and making her fly upwards as she gasped.

He saw some big bushes and trees, then smiling weakly he reabsorbed the energy board and hided. The duo was looking for him with fast pace as he was in his temporary hideout, breathing hard as trying to heal his arm with the tiny bit of energy that his gloves had. When the cut was better than before, he touched the ground and absorbed then energy of it. If they are serious trying to him, then he would use all his strength too.

When he finished absorbing the natural properties of the ground, he made a mist around him, hiding his presence from the others. With a gesture of his hands, twenty blue energy orbs were made and scattered through the zone. He was waiting for the right moment, even though he wasn’t used to do what he was doing, it was a sacrifice that he would take.

When the duo started to get exhausted, they stopped to track him down, the girl was looking her brother with a bored face and the brother was looking all around staying alert, he was more trained than his little sister. The girl just sighed and looked up to the branches of the trees.

“Hey Virgil, I think that he just ran away, that was a waste of my time, let’s look for other weak prey”
“I guess you’re right, that human was a waste of time”

The “prey” was smiling in his hideout as he was recollecting more energy with his orbs and absorbing from the ground, he was taking a risk, but he would take it, they would see that he wasn’t a weak prey.

As the grey eyed prey left his hideout, he was shooting energy arrows to the brothers, just grasping the legs and face of the smaller sister as the older avoided them gracefully. The younger girl grinned maniacally looking to the small cuts of the arrows, then she made several blue flames appear and shot them in all directions, burning the right leg of her opponent as he shut his mouth with his hand.

“Show yourself, you coward, you’re just a coward!” she said seriously

“Calm down Najenda, you will not do anything if you get mad” said her brother

She made more flames and shot them again in all directions, burning all over her path. Nathan moved the energy orbs all over trying to hide them as they were still recollecting energy for him, then he jumped toward her with two energy swords on his hands, ready to fight her. She sliced through his clothes making a big cut on his chest as he fell on the ground and the swords dissipated.

He was coughing blood and shivering as the cloaked girl engulfed the scythe with blue fire and charged towards him. He smiled and made a weak hand gesture with his left hand, he made a dark blue ball and shot a massive energy blast where she was.

She tried to block the attack with her scythe, but it was too fast for her, the blast impacted brutally and sent her backwards flying. Her brother just looked surprised and worried about her.

“That’s not good” said the big brother looking back to her then to the young man “You’re not a normal energy bender, what are you?”

“Heh… well, I guess that I need to introduce myself now, eh?” said the young man standing up with some problems, he was still shivering with a hand over the big cut trying to heal it

“I am, Ergos… The energy priest… Son of the Energy priest Daisy and the Blacksmith Clay… And the next energy priest of my homeland” said the man in response breathing hard

“Ergos, I am Virgil and that girl is my sister Najenda, I’m sorry that we underestimate you, you sure are strong, now give us all you got”

The girl came back and she shot a giant burst of flames. The young man just smiled extending his palms and receiving it peacefully as the flames became part of his energy, those flames fully fueled him, then watched them seriously, they could use dragonic energy, and only dragonic flames would fuel his gloves so much. That battle was serious.

He made ten orbs more, then fused them together creating five clones and commanded them towards the girl. She charged forwards and cut through two of them, then kicked one down and punched another, the third remaining clone punched her face and she just laugh as she cut through it.

The young man was a little scared because of her violent style of fighting, but we wouldn’t give up that easily, he made ten orbs again and fused them into one shooting it towards her. She avoided it but her brother not, the orb exploded and he was absorbed by the mist of it making him very slow and floating in the mist.

She looked back at her brother and made a furious growl then she looked at her opponent as she sent a giant fiery shockwave.

The young man just extended his palms again to receive the fire and absorb it, she increased the volume of the blue flames, but wasn’t enough, they were absorbed. She went on her knees and punched the ground, summoning a dragon as big as her. She jumped on its back and they started to charge towards the man.

He couldn’t use his right leg, so he jumped with his left leg propelling himself upwards with a burst of energy, the dragon followed him flying as he went down to the lake. The young man soaked with the sparkling water was smiling weakly as the girl just say him from the sky

“What are you laughing at? You are still going to die” shouted the girl grinning like a psycho

“That’s what you think lady… 5…4…3…2…1…0… It’s show time…” the soaked man murmured as he stand up
He made a gesture with his right hand and created another dark blue orb, then aimed at her dragon starting to shot fast rays of energy continuously. The girl avoided the rays but some reached the tail and one wing of the dragon, she petted the dragon then turned it into blue flames and shot a big blast to him again.

He absorbed the blast again and erected a force field around the lake as he was laughing a bit. She landed on the force field, striking it with the scythe but not breaking it, she tried to break it again, but nothing, she was getting anxious, that’s what he wanted.

“This is the first time that I will use this by myself… and I hope that this would be a good idea…” he murmured for himself

He extended both arms and made hand gestures, calling the orbs as they came fast, going through the field and floating around him. The orbs were glowing light blue like the gloves then he started to reabsorb them, when he absorbed the twenty orbs, he started to scream in pain as his veins and eyes were turning light blue and his fangs grow longer.

The girl finally broke the force field but was too late, when she landed on the clear water, her enemy started to growl aggressively, like a wild animal.

She smiled like a superior being and charged towards him with her scythe prepared to slice him in two. The young man now made beast roared making an energy shockwave and charged fast towards her.

She passed through the shockwave and shot a blue flame stream. The beast passed through the flames all burned but didn’t stopped running until he connected an uppercut on her jaw breaking some of her teeth and sending her to the skies

He pointed up making two dark blue orbs and fusing them together then shot it up above the girl. The orb broke into a rain of dark blue rays of energy, striking all over her back and slamming her to the ground.

The beast walked slowly to where her body was and grabbed her neck. She opened her eyes slowly looking him with a spark of fear.

“W…. what are you… monster… monster… Monster!...” said the girl weakly breathing slowly with some problems soaked in blood
“I… am… Er… gos…” the beast grinned manically

In all the forest, only the screams of the cloaked girl were heard.

1 hour later.

The young man was sitting on the ground with his clothes destroyed and soaked in blood. Looking the unconscious and almost naked body of the girl. He used all his energy to heal her completely, but he felt horrible inside. When he regained control over his body, he saw horrified the almost slaughtered body of the girl covered in blood then he started to heal her with his gloves.

Her brother, the guy named Virgil came after several hours of suffering for her and pleasure for his inner beast, the cloaked guy saw her body and became furious, summoning a dragonic sword and pointing to the blood soaked guy.

“I heard her screams… what did you did to her!?” said the brother engulfing the sword with fire

“I healed her… so it’s not a problem…” said the man standing up with a hand over the cut on his chest that was beginning to open “I used all my energy to heal her body… and if you think I raped her… no… I didn’t…”

Her brother took her body and teleported far from the forest, leaving the wounded guy alone as he started to walk limping with his right leg and taking care of the chest cut. The memories started to flow suddenly like a raging river, he saw the white hair of the girl, heard the pitch of her screams and felt his hands clawing her flesh.

“Mom… Dad… Tsubasa… Taiyou… please… help me control this….” He said as he started crying silently looking at the full moon of that night

That same moment inside his soul, ten men with fox ears and tail.

“Ok, he used the power of Ichi and Ni, now we need him to use the power of the ten together” said a man with blue eyes and ten blue white tails

“Don’t worry Boss Ju, he is trying to control the first form, if we help him controlling us, he will use us more” said a two tailed man.

All the men smiled as they looked down through a mirror on the floor, looking where he was.

Pilot by: ~ Najenda ~

Najenda and Virgil walked up to the RHG stadium. As she approached, a lot of people were surprised, not a lot of girls being in the ring, some of them were interested in her. Some of them even tried to hit on her, and Virgil bashed 2 of there heads in, the rest running away.
“ You do know I can protect myself, right? “she said, with one eyebrow raised up.
“ Yeah yeah, I know. I just don’t want you to waste any of your energy before your fight” he said, his voice sounding a bit worried.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine”.

They were in the waiting room, and suddenly the winner was announced from the RHG battle that was taking place while they were in there. They announced the next two contestants on the loud speaker.
“HELLO FOLKS! TODAY WE HAVE TWO NEWCOMERS. IN THE RIGHT CORNER, WE HAVE ERGOS, THE ENERGY PRIEST!! AND IN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE NAJENDA, THE DRACO NINJA!! LETS SEE WHAT ABLILITIES THESE GUYS HAVE AND PUT THEM TO THE TEST, IN AN AWSOME” – the crowd joins in, and repeats what the announcer is saying.
“ ROCK. HARD. GLADIATOR. BATTLE!!!!. ERGOS, ARE YOU READY?”.
“Yes, I am” he said, his face determined as ever, yet his voice was so calm, like he had no fears within him.
“ NAJENDA, ARE YOU READY?”. She wouldn’t answer for a full 15 seconds, so Virgil stepped in and said
“Yes, she is” in a dark-toned manner. “OK, 3. 2. 1. FIGHT!”. Najenda stood still, waiting for Ergos to make the first move. She was confident she would win her first match.

Ergos runs towards Najenda, then makes the first move and throws a punch towards her face. She blocks it with her two fingers. She sweeps his leg, pushes back, and waits for him to start his next attack.
“I’m down already..not for long” he said, determined he could do better. She could now see the cheerful expression in his face, and his eyes turn . He leans forward and tries to absorb energy from her, but then realizes a stream of a dragon blast was coming right toward him, fast. He couldn’t doge it, and it was to late for him to block it. It knocked him to the ground. He gets a little angered, and tries again, this time bringing multiple strikes with him. The dragon blasts keep blocking his attacks, and realizes he can’t hit her physically. Since I can’t hit her physically, I’ll just have to use long ranged attacks, my specialty. He then charged two energy balls, and then threw them at her. The draco blasts eat them, then explode, creating a lot of smoke around her. Ergos couldn’t see her, which was a problem.
Meanwhile unseen, Najenda started to charge up her arm. Virgil, being the only one who could sense what she was doing, knew what was happening. She was getting ready for a Dragon Fist.
“Whelp, might as well put up a calming field until the smoke comes out” he said. While healing himself, Ergos thought how amazing it was that Najenda didn’t have to lay a finger, and she could block every attack he threw at her, whether physical or long ranged.

Finally the smoke cleared up, and Najenda dashed towards Ergos. He couldn’t even see her coming, that’s how fast she was running. She finally gets close up to him, and punches through his stomach with her charged up dragon fist.
“Agh’” he cried, feeling the pain within him. While doing this, she absorbed a lot of his energy, partly when she dragon-fisted him, and the other part in which he didn’t notice : She had put her other hand on his left glove, and drained a good eight minutes of energy stored in there. The Gemstone would have to regain it’s power, and his right glove was the only thing that stood a chance against her, besides his long ranged attacks. Angered by the dragon fist, his eyes turn a pale blue, and he charges up a gatling hazard. He was thinking about a cannon hazard, but since his left hand basically useless for the next eight minutes, he was forced to use this one. After around 20 seconds, it’s at full power, and he fires the blast. This should finally do some damage on her, I hope, he thought. Najenda suddenly takes out her Reaper Scythe, and deflects the incoming bullets. Out of energy, Ergos cannot move, and the bullets overwhelm him. Two minutes had went by, and people were starting to worry if he would ever wake up. He finally wakes up, and his eyes start glowing blue.
He’s mad, she thought. He had reached Phase One. Najenda was getting worried that she may have a match for her. Ergos starts throwing Gatling and Cannon hazards left from right, and Najenda gets hit by two of the gatling bullets in the foot. He had shot a total of 50, excluding the cannon hazard, which would make it 51. Sort of fustrated, she summoned her Reaper Scythe once again. Because Ergos was in his Phase One mode, he was very vunerable. She slashed him two times in the stomach, but he remained standing.
I HAVE TO WIN!! He thought. It was both their first match, and Ergos didn’t want to lose it.
Whelp, this is my last shot he thought. He fuses three Twin Star Makers into one, and throws it at her.
Crap, that’s fast she thought. It headed straight for her. Najenda knew what she had to do. She didn’t want to, but she had to, she just wasn’t fast enough to avoid the blast, her Reaper Scythe couldn’t take that much energy to deflect it, and her Ore of Draco wasn’t yet powerful enough to withstand that kind of power. Najenda drawed her Dragon Sword and absorbed the blast. She charged towards him, he being extremely vunerable and out of energy completely. She counter attacks with a slash that goe’s straight through him, with the energy she had absorbed from his final blast, it completely annihilated him. Najenda brings one final dragon stream, to finish the job.
It was over. Najenda had one the match. The crowd was wild, and Ergos’s eyes had turned blue. Ergos was seriously hurt, so Virgil healed him with a Restoring Factor.
“That was a great fight, hoping we can battle again someday!” he said, grinning. Najenda said nothing, just stared at him.
“She’d love to”, Virgil said. “We should go and train up for your next match, Kin”. She nodded in agreement. And just like that, the two walked off into the darkness

Kamiroo Wolf
05-28-2016, 07:13 PM
Well, uh, y'know... good luck... again @_@


I won't be voting, but just allow me to say that everyone here appreciates the work the both of you have put in to your stories, regardless of quality and/or quantity.

@Najenda, I can post some constructive criticism tomorrow(exempt from finals testing, yay!) if that's ok, but I just want to let you know that your story is not at all terrible! It's not the best, certainly, but its a good place to start! Even if this battle doesn't turn out in your favor, I don't think you should quit here. Take others' advice, build on the promising foundation you have, and achieve greatness.

@Shadowmirror, the same goes for you(I'm really tired but can CnC later). Your story isn't terrible by any means, but your style needs a bit of buffering. I understand English is not your first language, but the linguistic barrier is one you must overcome if you wish to succeed.

You're both rough around the edges, but I see a diamond within your blossoming potential. It's up to you to decide whether or not you wish to shine bright. Anyway! Good job to the both of you, and good luck!


Edit: For future reference, you might wanna make voters visible in your future battles. Now, for CnC.

@Najenda, I was able to follow your story. Not bad, but there are grammatical/spelling errors as well as the issue of swapping between perspectives being unclear. A good way to fix this would be elaborating just whose eyes we're seeing from and/or separating bits of text where communication or perspective swaps take place. On top of this, you might also want to work on showing vs. telling(A problem I too struggle with these days). Showing is where you show us characteristics(such as "the veins were popping out of his forehead"), where telling is less effective and tells us what is happening in a much more basic manner(such as "he was angry"). I'm not too good with CnC, so hopefully someone can fill the gaps I missed, but good job nonetheless

@Shadowmirror, You have, essentially, the same issues(less so in terms of perspective), but there are times where your misunderstanding of past and present tenses and simple spelling mistakes impede the flow of your story

Azure
05-29-2016, 04:12 PM
G'day you two. I'll be delivering CnC tomorrow, but I'd like to ask if you'd be interested in a 4 way battle between me and another fellow, Chrome. If you'd like, you could even collab for the battle. I'll be facing all 3 opponents solo, so don't feel any obligation to collab.

Chromium7
05-29-2016, 04:37 PM
That's me by the way. Here's a list of all the characters we're looking to bring in, but if neither of you are interested, it'll probably just be me and Azure. But an open battle like this usually isn't something that comes around often, as I understand it. You may want to consider it, but we'd understand if you wouldn't. I'll also try and CnC, and will edit it onto this post once it's ready to go. If you're down for the battle though, or have any questions, send us a private message- and we can discuss the rest of the details through there.

-Dante Rockwell / Delta (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?46051-Dante-quot-Delta-quot-Rockwell) ((Chromium7 (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?170004-Chromium7)'s (my) wRHG)) Y
-Manny Ken (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?48890-Manny-Ken-Mannequin/) ((Azure (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?175373-Azure)'s wRHG)) Y
-Ergos the Energy Priest (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99322-Ergos-the-energy-priest) ((Shadowmirror (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?279982-shadowmirror)'s wRHG)) N/Maybe
-Najenda (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99492-Najenda) ((Najenda (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?283018-Najenda)'s wRHG)) Y

~CnC on hold~

shadowmirror
05-29-2016, 05:03 PM
eh, guys, remember that i'm still a rookie here, i don't think that i could

Chromium7
05-29-2016, 05:33 PM
Alright, it's your call! We just wanted to leave the option open and hear what your thoughts were. I'm a bit wary about it myself.

shadowmirror
05-29-2016, 05:38 PM
i will think about it ok? :o

Azure
05-29-2016, 05:38 PM
Yup, no pressure. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it.

shadowmirror
05-29-2016, 06:31 PM
oh, also, please vote fairly

Azure
05-30-2016, 02:55 PM
Ok! Now, as I mentioned yesterday, I'll be going into a detailed CnC of both battles. Now, I haven't really CnC'd in a while, so many might not know or remember exactly my style in regards to it, as I primarily CnC'd back when FA was still a thing. Essentially, I'm going to pretty much tear each story to somewhat easy to digest pieces, each story in its own spoiler so it isn't too cluttery, and I'll identify errors I notice as well as my feelings on the story's flow, if it makes sense, and overall its strengths and weaknesses. Disclaimer, I'm not exactly a nice fellow, either, so don't talk any of this seriously to heart. That out of the way, let's get to this!




The wind swirled around the forest as he silently danced with his eyes closed. He extended his arms letting the energy inside his gloves, go out slowly, forming a spinning blue veil like mist around him as he was smiling.

He opened his eyes again, watching the mystical mist that he created. Suddenly he remembered his brothers and their tails, then he looked down. He wondered why he was born as human and not as a kitsune like his brothers. The blue mist was becoming darker with each thought.

So, let's start here. You never named the character we're "watching," so to speak, so using a pronoun is improper. After the first mention of his gloves, you add in a comma, which is unnecessary. It breaks the flow of reading. Between veil and like, you should've added a hyphen (-) to put them together. In the second "paragraph" (these are a bit short to be considered paragraphs; typically, shorter paragraphs are 3-5 sentences. This could just be a stylistic choice, so I won't touch on it too much), you have him look at this mist he created from energy (might care to explain that more to help build the scene), to wondering why he's a human instead of a kitsune.

The first issue here is that there's a complete change in focus with no real setup. He's making an energy mist, he's enjoying it, he's suddenly wondering why he's a human rather than a monster. This isn't a logical progression, and it breaks immersion heavily. It also seems you continue the idea into the next sentence, saying "The blue mist was becoming darker with each thought," which, while giving us a bit more info on the mist (which could've been used earlier, and even now, it's hard to properly imagine it since all I know is that it's blue; I have no idea how thick the mist is or how bright the blue is), it could've easily been fitted in to the previous sentence. It just feels like a knee jerk transition. Not exactly a strong start, but it does give some preview into your character.


He calmed down breathing deeply, he didn’t wanted to lose control over his body again. With a move of his hands, the energy started to be reabsorbed by the gloves as he watched them. They were very useful as they were compatible with his fighting style, but they had a big influence over him. If he gets extremely mad for any reason, the gloves would start to absorb tremendous amounts of energy leaking it through his veins driving him insane for an amount of time.

The song of the little birds brought him back and he smiled, he wouldn’t let his gloves control him again. Suddenly he felt something could behind him, someone was emanating a massive amount of ominous energy, and a fight wasn’t what he wanted so he started to walk through the forest quickly.

The young man found a large lake with sparkling water in the middle of the forest, he searched on his coat and found a small bottle, and he laid on his knees, filled the bottle, and then drank some of the refreshing natural water.

This entire paragraph likely could've been fit with the previous one and it would've made considerably more sense. As is, it feels like (you definitely did do this btw) you broke the idea. Whether it was for length or because you thought it was for the best, I'm not sure, but it's another break in immersion, which I've yet to achieve yet. Your first sentence should use a semicolon (; ) versus a comma, since it's a break in flow, but it's still the same idea and breaking it into two sentences would've read weird. The next sentence suffers from just being awkward to read. You don't describe how his hands move at all, which makes it appear stale, and the you write "the energy started to be reabsorbed by the gloves as he watched them." A better way to have written this, for example, would be "He watched as his gloves, with a slight sweep, began to absorb the energy." Not only do you get a feel for his movements, you identify where his attention is earlier in the sentence so it doesn't read as awkwardly. You then give a brief explanation of how the gloves work, which breaks immersion again (noticing a recurring theme here?) because of how it's doesn't fit in with the current style. If you'd written it similar to a thought, because he is thinking at the moment, it might've been better, but no, it's just a blunt explanation. You also should've added a comma between "energy" and "leaking," and between "veins" and "driving."

Having him "brought back from his thoughts" by birds singing is a bit Disney-esque; I won't say much on it except that it seems a touch out of place. You use "could" instead of "cold," and it's another case of semicolon vs comma. Moving further along with the sentence, avoiding looking for a fight from somebody radiating an ominous energy by walking away? The sense of urgency is lost in this, and because of how you set it up, the next part is kind of silly. Another case of semicolon vs comma, and then I have to ask, why does he just happen to have a cup on him? Also, and you can call this a nitpick, but natural water tends to not be very healthy for human consumption. It's why we purify it, because the contaminants can make us sick. Dunno if he'd realize it, but he certainly shouldn't be refreshed.


“I think that they stopped moving, good cause that feeling was terrifying“

But it was too soon to talk, he felt something crawling up his back, the ominous energy was back. He heard the sound of a sudden flame blast then he made a force field around him, just waiting to see who attacked him, then the attack stopped. He dissipated the force field and started to recollect energy as he looked down, remaining of the fire where scattered near his feet, they were glowing with a blue color, that means that was a special type of fire.

That sentence shouldn't be a single sentence. He's also kind of foolish for talking aloud when he was so worried about these people he was sure wanted a fight. "Cause" doesn't work in this sense. You'll want to either use the full "because," or the slang "cuz." This might just be a nitpick, but it doesn't help. You also forgot to add punctuation. Another semicolon vs comma error, and the second comma would be better replaced with a period. Next, how did he "hear a sudden flame blast?" I mean, I can understand hearing fire coming towards you, it tends to make a clear crackling sound, but is there some sort of explosion upon its release that alerts you to it being shot? Just curious, not a lot of description given here. You throw up a force field, saying you want to see who attacked you, then the attack stops. Did the fire hit the force field? We're left in the dark as to what really occurred, or how many blasts were sent, or their power or anything. It's kind of pushed to the side until you drop the force field and suddenly there's blue fire. You say that the fire is near his feet, meaning he should've noticed some form of concussive force since it wasn't very wide spread, so this brings up questions of how strong your force field is, as well as how powerful this "massive, ominous" energy is in comparison. I'm also wondering how they managed to sneak up on him so easily when he very definitely sensed their energy earlier. Are you saying they could hide it now? How does that even work? You also use "where" instead of "were."

Lastly, how does fire being blue make it special? Fire can be blue, naturally. Fire can be red, and green, and purple naturally. All that matters is what's burning. To assume that fire is special because it's blue is just silly, though I might forgive the character if it's due to him being super inexperienced about the world.


Then he looked up again and in front of him were two cloaked person. The first one was very tall and with their arms crossed and the second was smaller than the previous with a ball of blue fire on the right hand, the young man sighed as his gloves started to gain a very light blue glow. He was used to be hunted down by the servants of the God Chikara for years, everyone using a special ability like special flames, summoning different kind of beasts, cursed weapons, he was used to all that and by seeing the situation, that would be repeated again.

“Sister that opponent will be easy for you, you will not have to teleport or use your sword, you will be fine with just with the scythe and the powers of the orb, that’s all you need” the tall cloaked man said looking to the smaller woman as she just nodded in agreement

The girl summoned a pitch black double edged scythe and shot another blast of blue flames to the young man with gauntlets. He made a shield in front of him to stand the flames, then he made a gesture with his left hand and pushed the shield forward repelling the flames on the process as he ran backwards trying to escape the battle.

So, I'm assuming he turned around to look down at the fire, that's fair. However, these people are cloaked. How can he tell they're male and female? Give some descriptions. Your second sentence flows poorly, and you could've broken it into different sentences or, as per usual, used a semicolon. You then introduce some element (God Chikara) out of nowhere through shoehorning it in. It works for explaining why he's worried, but the method of delivery is just poor. Again, poor sentence structure. That'll be something you should focus on working on.

Going to the dialogue, you actually miss a place to put in a comma, it being necessary directly after "Sister." You could end the sentence or use a semicolon where you did place a comma, and then again you could use a semicolon after "sword." "You will be fine with just with the" is an error I'm sure you made while adjusting what you were typing, and it reads that you didn't go back to read over this yourself, something I recommend you consider doing in the future. It also feels like you only added this line as justification for why your opponent didn't fight to the full extent of their abilities; it doesn't come across as the brother being condescending or looking down on Ergos or anything natural, it just feels robotic and forced.

Now, we have the girl summoning a scythe (double headed, not double edged) and firing a blast of flames, which is blocked by a shield. Not the most descriptive, but it conveys what's happening. "withstand the flames" works better than "stand the flames." Having the shield rush forward, we already know that it's withstanding the flames, and since there are still flames to withstand, I'm going to assume this isn't some fireball but rather a continuous stream of flames (which I would never have assumed by your descriptions if not for me thoroughly analyzing the story). "In," not "on," and why would he run backwards when he should be turning to run? Actually, why is he running at all? Didn't he show himself determined to fight when we were told about how he'd dealt with situations before? It feels as though he's showing different personalities.


The girl avoided the flying shield and looked to her brother, then the cloaked duo started to run following their prey. The gray eyed guy made an energy board and jumped on it, blasting energy back to propel himself, he didn’t wanted to fight and lose control of himself again, he wouldn’t stand it, see all the blood on the ground again.

The girl then appeared above him striking her scythe downwards and making a cut on his right arm. The gray eyed screamed and released more of his energy, enhancing the sound of the scream and making her fly upwards as she gasped.

He saw some big bushes and trees, then smiling weakly he reabsorbed the energy board and hided. The duo was looking for him with fast pace as he was in his temporary hideout, breathing hard as trying to heal his arm with the tiny bit of energy that his gloves had. When the cut was better than before, he touched the ground and absorbed then energy of it. If they are serious trying to him, then he would use all his strength too.

More issues with commas. You've got to get a better grasp on where to place them. You also seem to not want to name your character for some reason; it's good to not constantly write out their name, but you've yet to mention him by name even once. You also further establish that he doesn't want to fight, and is actively trying to avoid it, seeming to have some bad memories regarding it. It's alright to establish, even if the delivery is a bit poor. We once again have your character not knowing where one of his opponents is in regards to his own position; how did she get above him when he's propelling himself forward with energy? How did he not know she was above him? He then gets cut on the arm and screams her away. It's a bit peculiar, to say the least. He then smiles weakly when he sees bushes and a tree; did getting cut really hurt that bad, or are you implying amplifying his scream was enough to wear him down?

"Hided" is not a word. "Hid" is what you were looking for. "Were" instead of "was." His attitude of "try to avoid fighting" is also very quickly thrown out of the window. I've also got to ask, wouldn't it be noticed when he's absorbing the energy from the ground? After all, he's, ya know, killing the world. Dying grass, dying bushes, possibly even the tree dying. And how does him jumping into bushes help him hide from his pursuers anyways? They found him when he walked away fast the first time, and the girl kept up when he was on his energy board. Just a bit of a discrepancy in their skill level.


When he finished absorbing the natural properties of the ground, he made a mist around him, hiding his presence from the others. With a gesture of his hands, twenty blue energy orbs were made and scattered through the zone. He was waiting for the right moment, even though he wasn’t used to do what he was doing, it was a sacrifice that he would take.

When the duo started to get exhausted, they stopped to track him down, the girl was looking her brother with a bored face and the brother was looking all around staying alert, he was more trained than his little sister. The girl just sighed and looked up to the branches of the trees.

“Hey Virgil, I think that he just ran away, that was a waste of my time, let’s look for other weak prey”
“I guess you’re right, that human was a waste of time”

The “prey” was smiling in his hideout as he was recollecting more energy with his orbs and absorbing from the ground, he was taking a risk, but he would take it, they would see that he wasn’t a weak prey.

So his presence wasn't hidden before? How did he manage to avoid detection so long, then? Also, we're given no real sense of a time frame for how long all this is taking. I'm also curious how he's hiding when he sends 20 energy orbs out. How were these not noticed? What size are they? The comma after moment could be replaced with a period.

Again with the time frame, how long did it take them to get exhausted? How did they not notice the energy orbs? How are they still close enough for him to know what all they're doing, especially enough to hear their conversation? Also, it seems a bit strange they're hunting weak prey so diligently that they'll get tired searching for them. It kind of kills their motivation overall. It's also strange they'd consider him weak when he managed to deflect the fire attack twice completely. I also don't get how these orbs work, as they're somehow providing him more energy. And why does he want to prove he isn't weak? He didn't want to fight at all, now he suddenly wants to prove he's worth the fight. Overall motivations are being ruined on both sides for this entire event.


As the grey eyed prey left his hideout, he was shooting energy arrows to the brothers, just grasping the legs and face of the smaller sister as the older avoided them gracefully. The younger girl grinned maniacally looking to the small cuts of the arrows, then she made several blue flames appear and shot them in all directions, burning the right leg of her opponent as he shut his mouth with his hand.

“Show yourself, you coward, you’re just a coward!” she said seriously

“Calm down Najenda, you will not do anything if you get mad” said her brother

She made more flames and shot them again in all directions, burning all over her path. Nathan moved the energy orbs all over trying to hide them as they were still recollecting energy for him, then he jumped toward her with two energy swords on his hands, ready to fight her. She sliced through his clothes making a big cut on his chest as he fell on the ground and the swords dissipated.

You call them "brothers" for some reason, despite knowing one is a girl. What does "grasping" mean here? You say you grasp the sister's legs and face while the brother avoids the arrows. The girl then makes several blue flames appear and shoots them all over. Are these more streams of fire or fireballs? Be a bit more descriptive so the reader understands what's going on. Also, your character now has a burned leg, but manages to hold back screaming. He was cut on the arm earlier, which is arguably a much lesser wound, but it made him shout. Sudden boost in resilience? You then have the girl ask he shows himself, despite the fact he shot arrows that were avoided by one of the two, which should reveal his location pretty easily.

Also, you had her call him a coward twice. It's silly. Super silly. I refuse to accept this silliness.

Then we get to him leaping from cover and actually hiding his energy orbs, where he is immediately put down. This again doesn't really fit the whole "wanting to avoid fighting" thing he was showing earlier.


He was coughing blood and shivering as the cloaked girl engulfed the scythe with blue fire and charged towards him. He smiled and made a weak hand gesture with his left hand, he made a dark blue ball and shot a massive energy blast where she was.

She tried to block the attack with her scythe, but it was too fast for her, the blast impacted brutally and sent her backwards flying. Her brother just looked surprised and worried about her.

“That’s not good” said the big brother looking back to her then to the young man “You’re not a normal energy bender, what are you?”

“Heh… well, I guess that I need to introduce myself now, eh?” said the young man standing up with some problems, he was still shivering with a hand over the big cut trying to heal it

“I am, Ergos… The energy priest… Son of the Energy priest Daisy and the Blacksmith Clay… And the next energy priest of my homeland” said the man in response breathing hard

“Ergos, I am Virgil and that girl is my sister Najenda, I’m sorry that we underestimate you, you sure are strong, now give us all you got”

So the attack is bad enough that he's coughing up blood, and it clearly made him unable to keep his swords around, yet now he can let out this devastating blast. Weird, but alright, last ditch attack I'd suspect. However, this "brutal" attack is pretty much brushed aside by the brother, who isn't now viciously assaulting the guy responsible. He also assumes that Ergos isn't a normal energy bender, which both means he's dealt with them before, and that Ergos has done something strange enough to elicit this question, despite being hit by 3 different attacks and seemingly doing no damage himself aside from this "brutal blast."

The introductions are also lackluster. They're so simple and pretty nonsensical, and seeing as Virgil and Najenda attacked Ergos because he was apparently weak prey, it makes no sense for them to remain when they assume he's apparently strong.


The girl came back and she shot a giant burst of flames. The young man just smiled extending his palms and receiving it peacefully as the flames became part of his energy, those flames fully fueled him, then watched them seriously, they could use dragonic energy, and only dragonic flames would fuel his gloves so much. That battle was serious.

So it seems he barely damaged Najenda, again making me wonder what exactly showed he was an above average energy bender. Najenda literally just ran back flames a blasting. And now, we see that these flames can be absorbed, meaning that the shield earlier was unnecessary, as was him getting burned earlier. Then, he apparently recognizes the energy as draconic (not dragonic), which is weird in and of itself. What identifies it as such? Because it's strong? Because it's blue? Because it's strong and blue? And why does it suddenly make the battle serious? Pretty sure she's been using the same flames the entire time, and these are the flames that burned Ergos' legs. What the actual hell?


He made ten orbs more, then fused them together creating five clones and commanded them towards the girl. She charged forwards and cut through two of them, then kicked one down and punched another, the third remaining clone punched her face and she just laugh as she cut through it.

He can make clones out of orbs. What. This brings back the question of how big are they, as well as adds more questions. After all, how does energy create clones? How strong are they? Are they noticeably different from the original?


The young man was a little scared because of her violent style of fighting, but we wouldn’t give up that easily, he made ten orbs again and fused them into one shooting it towards her. She avoided it but her brother not, the orb exploded and he was absorbed by the mist of it making him very slow and floating in the mist.

She looked back at her brother and made a furious growl then she looked at her opponent as she sent a giant fiery shockwave.

The young man just extended his palms again to receive the fire and absorb it, she increased the volume of the blue flames, but wasn’t enough, they were absorbed. She went on her knees and punched the ground, summoning a dragon as big as her. She jumped on its back and they started to charge towards the man.

Her fighting style scares Ergos, but he decides to keep on fighting. He also seems in miraculously better shape considering the burned leg and the giant cut across his chest. We know he can heal, but he hasn't had any time to do such, so what's going on here? Is just absorbing energy enough for him to ignore some massive wounds? Also, how did her brother avoid attacks he couldn't see, but get caught in a massive attack he knew was coming? Inconsistency in characters.

We then have Ergos absorb her flames again, which, again, makes any other defense against the flames pointless, and with the siblings taking this "seriously," it brings to question why they're not actively using their other abilities (such as teleportation). Then she punches the ground and summons a dragon. Summons it from where? What's it look like? All we know is it's as big as her, meaning it's pretty damn small, but apparently she can ride on its back and charge at Ergos. Again, details help understand things.


He couldn’t use his right leg, so he jumped with his left leg propelling himself upwards with a burst of energy, the dragon followed him flying as he went down to the lake. The young man soaked with the sparkling water was smiling weakly as the girl just say him from the sky

“What are you laughing at? You are still going to die” shouted the girl grinning like a psycho

“That’s what you think lady… 5…4…3…2…1…0… It’s show time…” the soaked man murmured as he stand up
He made a gesture with his right hand and created another dark blue orb, then aimed at her dragon starting to shot fast rays of energy continuously. The girl avoided the rays but some reached the tail and one wing of the dragon, she petted the dragon then turned it into blue flames and shot a big blast to him again.

How does he manage to get any form of jump upwards with one leg, boosted or not? I doubt he could move his burnt leg so that he's able to properly angle himself. It'd make more sense for him to jump left, or just propel himself period. Also, how powerful was this burst that it sent him back to the lake? I'm assuming from the earlier chase that he made it a considerable distance away, so this is pretty jarring. The small dragon is also able to keep up with him easily, which is strange; shouldn't it have been able to catch him while he was freefalling towards the lake? Also, missing punctuation after sky.

Then, Najenda assumes he was laughing. How did she even see him smile in the lake from the air (where I assume she is still on the dragon)? Your sentence structure is again off, and again, you forgot to add punctuation. Then, your character talks and counts underwater. Then he stands up. What was the counting even for? There's no indication of why the counting was required, or why he wasn't attacked during it, or if he actually left the water. Just all of a sudden, another blast of weird energy which seems just like other blasts he's fired, and which she easily avoids (aside from the dragon taking minor injuries), at which point she turns it into fire and throws it at (because again, assuming he's in the lake) the water. It's illogical to say the least. Unless he's Jesus and walking on water, which may be even worse.


He absorbed the blast again and erected a force field around the lake as he was laughing a bit. She landed on the force field, striking it with the scythe but not breaking it, she tried to break it again, but nothing, she was getting anxious, that’s what he wanted.

Again, this fight has become pretty silly, because there is no real danger from the fire, which has been her preferred form of attack for some time now despite it being entirely ineffective. Most people would switch things up if they find the one thing they've been doing doesn't work. This is the definition of madness. Of course, with the force field going around the lake, this pretty much guarantees he's in or on it. It also makes it hard to gauge the difference in distance between them because she threw the dragon-shaped fire at him and he absorbed it pretty quick, but she didn't fall enough to get close to him or anything.


“This is the first time that I will use this by myself… and I hope that this would be a good idea…” he murmured for himself

He extended both arms and made hand gestures, calling the orbs as they came fast, going through the field and floating around him. The orbs were glowing light blue like the gloves then he started to reabsorb them, when he absorbed the twenty orbs, he started to scream in pain as his veins and eyes were turning light blue and his fangs grow longer.

The tense in the sentence is all over the place. It also is overall nuts. He's doing something that we can assume is risky, and he's doing it for the first time on his own when he's got an opponent that clearly wants to kill him and another that could break free at any time (the fact he hasn't already seems like plot convenience). Lets also recall that he is still injured and has no point attempted to heal himself, and seems to no longer be suffering the negative effects from either injury. And when did he get fangs to begin with?


The girl finally broke the force field but was too late, when she landed on the clear water, her enemy started to growl aggressively, like a wild animal.

She smiled like a superior being and charged towards him with her scythe prepared to slice him in two. The young man now made beast roared making an energy shockwave and charged fast towards her.

She passed through the shockwave and shot a blue flame stream. The beast passed through the flames all burned but didn’t stopped running until he connected an uppercut on her jaw breaking some of her teeth and sending her to the skies

Ok, so, she breaks through the force field. Did he let her, or did it just take that long? Nothing to really tell us either way, and that's rather bothersome. Her smiling "like a superior being" is a peculiar statement. Does this mean she's looking down on him despite everything that's happened? What about her personality or actions so far has shown this to be how she thinks or feels or acts? Next up, she passes through this shockwave without issue, and shoots fire, which you admit burns Ergos, yet compounding this with his other injuries, he seems surprisingly unhindered. I also notice he's apparently using that right leg again. I've also got to ask, how much stronger is he than his earlier "blasts" that sent her flying, that he actually dealt damage this time (broken teeth)?

Also, can I just note, they're fighting on a goddamn lake? On. A. Lake.


He pointed up making two dark blue orbs and fusing them together then shot it up above the girl. The orb broke into a rain of dark blue rays of energy, striking all over her back and slamming her to the ground.

The beast walked slowly to where her body was and grabbed her neck. She opened her eyes slowly looking him with a spark of fear.

“W…. what are you… monster… monster… Monster!...” said the girl weakly breathing slowly with some problems soaked in blood
“I… am… Er… gos…” the beast grinned manically

In all the forest, only the screams of the cloaked girl were heard.

Ok, more orbs, again, actually doing damage somehow. No idea what the change was exactly, aside from Ergos absorbing the energy into his body? It just doesn't really feel like it makes much sense. Also, you're saying that the energy orbs "rain" when they're going upwards. Rain comes down, this is a fact. Also, anything striking her in the back when she's knocked upwards shouldn't send her to the ground. It's also apparently shooting her towards it at an angle, since again, they were fighting on a lake for some reason.

Now, aside from her suddenly taking actual damage, I don't quite understand where Najenda's fear is coming from. She isn't blasting him with fire from close range, using any of her other abilities, she just turned into some frightened girl for some reason and then screams as crazy person does... something.


1 hour later.

No comment.


The young man was sitting on the ground with his clothes destroyed and soaked in blood. Looking the unconscious and almost naked body of the girl. He used all his energy to heal her completely, but he felt horrible inside. When he regained control over his body, he saw horrified the almost slaughtered body of the girl covered in blood then he started to heal her with his gloves.

Now, this feels a bit like a cop out. All we know is that he landed two hits on her, she turned wimpy, then an hour later he somehow didn't kill her in this apparent bloodlust of his. Also, with his clothes destroyed, is he naked? He seems naked, and he's beside the unconscious and almost naked body of Najenda. This doesn't paint a pretty picture. I've also got to ask why you explicitly addressed him healing her twice. You only had to mention it once, we get it. Also, I'm going to assume he healed himself at some point, because otherwise he should be very dead.


Her brother, the guy named Virgil came after several hours of suffering for her and pleasure for his inner beast, the cloaked guy saw her body and became furious, summoning a dragonic sword and pointing to the blood soaked guy.

“I heard her screams… what did you did to her!?” said the brother engulfing the sword with fire

Oh look, there's that brotherly anger that should've been present earlier. I'm guessing seeing naked people and hearing your sister scream works more to fire people up. Also, saying "pleasure for his inner beast" is painting this picture off even worse. Also, again, draconic.


“I healed her… so it’s not a problem…” said the man standing up with a hand over the cut on his chest that was beginning to open “I used all my energy to heal her body… and if you think I raped her… no… I didn’t…”

1. You beat her up, so even if you heal her, it's still a problem. That's not something you can just pass off.
2. You made this a very rape-y scenario. Bringing up the potential for rape doesn't help. It just incriminates you further. You're pretty much admitting to rape, and Virgil should run you through here and there.
3. How did Virgil break free from his little mist cage? Did he finally decide "Hey, I've been gone a while. I should probably do something." You gave no real info here to explain what happened.
4. Why did he only partially heal the cut on his chest? It's opening again, meaning it didn't fully close, meaning that he's still likely bleeding out or bleeding internally, both scenarios being pretty bad.


Her brother took her body and teleported far from the forest, leaving the wounded guy alone as he started to walk limping with his right leg and taking care of the chest cut. The memories started to flow suddenly like a raging river, he saw the white hair of the girl, heard the pitch of her screams and felt his hands clawing her flesh.

Najenda had white hair? Never would've known if I'd given up reading earlier in the story. Also, took him a while for those memories to come in. Strange how he knew he didn't rape her before.


“Mom… Dad… Tsubasa… Taiyou… please… help me control this….” He said as he started crying silently looking at the full moon of that night

Why does he have relatives that have Japanese sounding names when his parents have English names, and his name sounds like a bad fantasy world character? There's no family consistency here. Also, when did it turn into night? Seriously, how long was this fight? When did it start?


That same moment inside his soul, ten men with fox ears and tail.

What is this? Just... what?


“Ok, he used the power of Ichi and Ni, now we need him to use the power of the ten together” said a man with blue eyes and ten blue white tails

What do these guys have to do with anything? Are they the source of his energy power? What purpose do they serve? This is shoehorned ridiculously hard. Also, again, lack of punctuation.


“Don’t worry Boss Ju, he is trying to control the first form, if we help him controlling us, he will use us more” said a two tailed man.

Are you implying they helped him so far? How? He went and viciously attacked a girl who attacked him for no reason, and I don't fully believe that he didn't rape her. If you're saying this is how he acts with assistance, I don't wanna know how he acts without it.


All the men smiled as they looked down through a mirror on the floor, looking where he was.

These guys are serious creepers.


Pilot by: ~ Najenda ~

Najenda and Virgil walked up to the RHG stadium. As she approached, a lot of people were surprised, not a lot of girls being in the ring, some of them were interested in her. Some of them even tried to hit on her, and Virgil bashed 2 of there heads in, the rest running away.
“ You do know I can protect myself, right? “she said, with one eyebrow raised up.
“ Yeah yeah, I know. I just don’t want you to waste any of your energy before your fight” he said, his voice sounding a bit worried.
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine”.

So, to begin, one of my biggest issues here is formatting. Double spacing isn't exactly a requirement, but it makes things cleaner, especially with dialogue. Onto the actual content, you mention Najenda and Virgil both in your first sentence, then out of nowhere, during the second, seem to focus entirely on Najenda. Also, there are actually female wRHGs (as well as female RHGs), so information-wise, this is a bit of a weak reason to have her hit on. It does show the protective nature of Virgil, however, so I'm almost willing to give it a pass. There's not much else to talk about here, since it's pretty short for an intro.


They were in the waiting room, and suddenly the winner was announced from the RHG battle that was taking place while they were in there. They announced the next two contestants on the loud speaker.
“HELLO FOLKS! TODAY WE HAVE TWO NEWCOMERS. IN THE RIGHT CORNER, WE HAVE ERGOS, THE ENERGY PRIEST!! AND IN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE NAJENDA, THE DRACO NINJA!! LETS SEE WHAT ABLILITIES THESE GUYS HAVE AND PUT THEM TO THE TEST, IN AN AWSOME” – the crowd joins in, and repeats what the announcer is saying.
“ ROCK. HARD. GLADIATOR. BATTLE!!!!. ERGOS, ARE YOU READY?”.
“Yes, I am” he said, his face determined as ever, yet his voice was so calm, like he had no fears within him.
“ NAJENDA, ARE YOU READY?”. She wouldn’t answer for a full 15 seconds, so Virgil stepped in and said
“Yes, she is” in a dark-toned manner. “OK, 3. 2. 1. FIGHT!”. Najenda stood still, waiting for Ergos to make the first move. She was confident she would win her first match.

So, this establishes that there's a crowd watching around the arena. I can dig it, it's not shoehorned in too much. You've also got a super hype announcer. Fun. Weird, but fun. Because of this introduction, making this like a sporting event, I'll be expecting some commentary from him. I'm also a bit concerned by Najenda's sudden stage fright. Fifteen uninterrupted seconds of silence? That's a pretty noticeable difference from her outside, and another noticeable shift to her being so confident that she'll be winning her first match without anything leading to this belief. After all, she has yet to see any of Ergos' abilities, and he is acting calm, cool and collected.


Ergos runs towards Najenda, then makes the first move and throws a punch towards her face. She blocks it with her two fingers. She sweeps his leg, pushes back, and waits for him to start his next attack.

She blocks a punch with two fingers. Ok. How? Any explanation offered? Not at all. She then sweeps his leg (singular) and pushes him, before waiting for another attack. Where is this confidence coming from? Where is this blatant difference in skill coming from?


“I’m down already..not for long” he said, determined he could do better. She could now see the cheerful expression in his face, and his eyes turn . He leans forward and tries to absorb energy from her, but then realizes a stream of a dragon blast was coming right toward him, fast. He couldn’t doge it, and it was to late for him to block it. It knocked him to the ground. He gets a little angered, and tries again, this time bringing multiple strikes with him. The dragon blasts keep blocking his attacks, and realizes he can’t hit her physically. Since I can’t hit her physically, I’ll just have to use long ranged attacks, my specialty. He then charged two energy balls, and then threw them at her. The draco blasts eat them, then explode, creating a lot of smoke around her. Ergos couldn’t see her, which was a problem.

Again, double spacing would make this considerably cleaner to read. Back to the current area, that dialogue is awkward. I can't imagine somebody saying something like that, especially somebody who came across as coolly as Ergos did in the beginning of the fight. I'm also curious where the commentary from the hyped announcer is? Why have one with that level of energy if he's not going to use it? The crowd is also strangely silent.

Also, what is a "stream of dragon blast?" Is it fire? Superheated air? A bunch of tiny dragons? Details can make or break a scene. You spelled "dodge" as "doge," so instead of me seeing it as "he can't avoid this attack," I see it as "he can't make an adorable meme." You use "to" instead of "too," and even if it is too late to block, an attempt would be made, because the body naturally tries to avoid injury. With it knocking him to the ground, I can't help but wonder when he got up. All it says he did was lean.

What are these "multiple strikes" he brings with him? Are they YouTube strikes? Is he trying to shut down her channel? You then randomly switch into Ergos' thoughts for some reason, though it doesn't make sense in terms of where it is in the paragraph. It also doesn't have any indication that it's a thought, you just have to realize it for yourself.

I'm also wondering what exactly caused the smoke. Was it his energy blasts, or her dragon blasts? Neither gives the impression of being fire-like in nature, with fire being one of the only known reactions to cause smoke (just for clarification, smoke is caused by combustion or pyrolysis, and is a result of particles being in the air, AKA you need something physical in the air to cause the smoke).


Meanwhile unseen, Najenda started to charge up her arm. Virgil, being the only one who could sense what she was doing, knew what was happening. She was getting ready for a Dragon Fist.
“Whelp, might as well put up a calming field until the smoke comes out” he said. While healing himself, Ergos thought how amazing it was that Najenda didn’t have to lay a finger, and she could block every attack he threw at her, whether physical or long ranged.

Dragon Fist? Did this suddenly become Dragonball Z? Nevertheless, we'll move on. What exactly is a "calming field?" You give no indication of what it does. Also, you meant "clear out" versus "comes out." Smoke isn't a homosexual, I assure you. I'm also curious as to why Ergos is healing when he doesn't appear to have taken any damage whatsoever. He got pushed to the ground. Is he that much of a chump? Najenda is literally putting in no effort here, which he notes, which makes the matchup seem pretty boring. No wonder the crowd and announcer are no longer hype.


Finally the smoke cleared up, and Najenda dashed towards Ergos. He couldn’t even see her coming, that’s how fast she was running. She finally gets close up to him, and punches through his stomach with her charged up dragon fist.
“Agh’” he cried, feeling the pain within him. While doing this, she absorbed a lot of his energy, partly when she dragon-fisted him, and the other part in which he didn’t notice : She had put her other hand on his left glove, and drained a good eight minutes of energy stored in there. The Gemstone would have to regain it’s power, and his right glove was the only thing that stood a chance against her, besides his long ranged attacks. Angered by the dragon fist, his eyes turn a pale blue, and he charges up a gatling hazard. He was thinking about a cannon hazard, but since his left hand basically useless for the next eight minutes, he was forced to use this one. After around 20 seconds, it’s at full power, and he fires the blast. This should finally do some damage on her, I hope, he thought. Najenda suddenly takes out her Reaper Scythe, and deflects the incoming bullets. Out of energy, Ergos cannot move, and the bullets overwhelm him. Two minutes had went by, and people were starting to worry if he would ever wake up. He finally wakes up, and his eyes start glowing blue.
He’s mad, she thought. He had reached Phase One. Najenda was getting worried that she may have a match for her. Ergos starts throwing Gatling and Cannon hazards left from right, and Najenda gets hit by two of the gatling bullets in the foot. He had shot a total of 50, excluding the cannon hazard, which would make it 51. Sort of fustrated, she summoned her Reaper Scythe once again. Because Ergos was in his Phase One mode, he was very vunerable. She slashed him two times in the stomach, but he remained standing.
I HAVE TO WIN!! He thought. It was both their first match, and Ergos didn’t want to lose it.
Whelp, this is my last shot he thought. He fuses three Twin Star Makers into one, and throws it at her.
Crap, that’s fast she thought. It headed straight for her. Najenda knew what she had to do. She didn’t want to, but she had to, she just wasn’t fast enough to avoid the blast, her Reaper Scythe couldn’t take that much energy to deflect it, and her Ore of Draco wasn’t yet powerful enough to withstand that kind of power. Najenda drawed her Dragon Sword and absorbed the blast. She charged towards him, he being extremely vunerable and out of energy completely. She counter attacks with a slash that goe’s straight through him, with the energy she had absorbed from his final blast, it completely annihilated him. Najenda brings one final dragon stream, to finish the job.
It was over. Najenda had one the match. The crowd was wild, and Ergos’s eyes had turned blue. Ergos was seriously hurt, so Virgil healed him with a Restoring Factor.
“That was a great fight, hoping we can battle again someday!” he said, grinning. Najenda said nothing, just stared at him.
“She’d love to”, Virgil said. “We should go and train up for your next match, Kin”. She nodded in agreement. And just like that, the two walked off into the darkness

And now we get to a wall. A poor wall at that. Formatting is your friend. So, we start off with Najenda running at Ergos so fast he can't see her. This is interesting since it means she's running at least at the speed of sound and causing his brain to improperly process the sudden change in speed (after all, the eyes can catch quite a bit, and this appears to be an open arena with nothing else for his mind to process, so there's a minimum speed she has to reach for this sentence to be plausible). I can't help but wonder why she even needed to move so fast when there was just smoke there, which would have been a great time to attack. I'm also wondering how far away she actually was, since he had to have been within touching distance to even attempt to steal her energy earlier. This is a pretty huge discrepancy.

Next, for a "charged up dragon fist" to the stomach, he seems to have taken a pretty small amount of damage. And then she steals his energy from the attack? How does that work? Why does she have energy stealing capabilities like he does? She even stole "eight minutes of energy" from his gauntlet, which is a strange method of calculation considering she can't have been holding it that long. Then, we find that apparently he can use enough energy to overwhelm her despite how she has been totally in command of the entire battle?

Ergos then proceeds to go super saiyan and charges up a "gatling hazard" (no idea what that means), because he can't use his "cannon hazard" (Looks like he understands he lost eight minutes of power? How does that work? And how come he can't just steal back some energy?) We then have him charge for 20 seconds, which is even longer than her noticeable silence in the beginning (why did she let him charge the full time?!), and we're once more treated to his thoughts.

She only then, after he starts firing, summons her scythe and deflects bullets, which is just poor strategy overall. After somehow easily knocking him out (Because he ran out of energy? Really?), she gives him two minutes to wake up (oh look, the bored crowd is mentioned), at which point he wakes up and apparently is now super-charged on energy, since he fires at her like a madman. Here, we come up on a bit of a math issue. You say he throws gatling and cannon hazards left and right, yet then follow up saying he threw 50 gatling hazards and a single cannon hazard. This is a really blatant inconsistency, and it detracts from the whole attack overall. Really, this whole "Phase One" scenario seems pretty weak overall, since all it did was shoot her in the foot twice and frustrate her. She re-summons her scythe (when did it disappear, anyways?), and cuts him in the stomach twice which somehow does nothing (seems like it would disembowel somebody, but hey, what do I know about anatomy?), and then after more thoughts, we have him fuse three "Twin Star Makers" together. No indication what a Twin Star Maker is, but apparently it's fast enough that her "faster than the eye can follow" speed isn't enough to avoid it.

She "drew," her Dragon Sword, "drawed" isn't a word, you misspell "vulnerable," and her knowing he's vulnerable and out of power is some pretty meta knowledge. She then proceeds to slice straight through him and blast him, which tends to kill people (you know, cutting them in half and all), and which you state totally annihilates him, yet then moments later, he's just seriously injured and getting healed. The bored crowd somehow goes wild at this curbstomp of a battle, and even the person who was determined to win does an about face and is super hyped to battle again some time. Overall, there's not much that makes this battle interesting. It's a curb stomp, and a dull one, plain and simple.

Najenda
05-30-2016, 05:43 PM
That's me by the way. Here's a list of all the characters we're looking to bring in, but if neither of you are interested, it'll probably just be me and Azure. But an open battle like this usually isn't something that comes around often, as I understand it. You may want to consider it, but we'd understand if you wouldn't. I'll also try and CnC, and will edit it onto this post once it's ready to go. If you're down for the battle though, or have any questions, send us a private message- and we can discuss the rest of the details through there.

-Dante Rockwell / Delta (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?46051-Dante-quot-Delta-quot-Rockwell) ((Chromium7 (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?170004-Chromium7)'s (my) wRHG))
-Manny Ken (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?48890-Manny-Ken-Mannequin/) ((Azure (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?175373-Azure)'s wRHG))
-Ergos the Energy Priest (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99322-Ergos-the-energy-priest) ((Shadowmirror (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?279982-shadowmirror)'s wRHG))
-Najenda (http://forums.stickpage.com/showthread.php?99492-Najenda) ((Najenda (http://forums.stickpage.com/member.php?283018-Najenda)'s wRHG))

~CnC inbound~

Sure.

Azure
05-30-2016, 06:22 PM
Wonderful. So, may I ask how you felt about the CnC?

Najenda
06-05-2016, 06:21 PM
GG Ergos. Can a moderator lock my wRHG thread now? actually, better delete it.

I got so many views, and it got put to waste. PLease delete my thread.

Kamiroo Wolf
06-05-2016, 07:10 PM
GG Ergos. Can a moderator lock my wRHG thread now? actually, better delete it.

I got so many views, and it got put to waste. PLease delete my thread.

Views, uh, views don't mean anything '-' people were prolly just looking at your thread because drama.

I don't think one loss is a good reason to kill your RHG, but by all means do as you wish...

Najenda
06-05-2016, 07:51 PM
Views, uh, views don't mean anything '-' people were prolly just looking at your thread because drama.

I don't think one loss is a good reason to kill your RHG, but by all means do as you wish...

Fuck you too, asshole.

Kamiroo Wolf
06-05-2016, 07:58 PM
Fuck you too, asshole.

Try to calm down, will you? I wasn't trying to offend you, but it looks as though I did. Sorry.

devi
06-06-2016, 12:19 AM
Just let her pussy off, if she can't handle one loss then she shouldn't be in a competitive activity in the first place.

SaulMurphy
06-06-2016, 01:22 AM
Just let her pussy off, if she can't handle one loss then she shouldn't be in a competitive activity in the first place.

Out of line Dev. No need for kind of manner. We're all mature enough not to get offended by each other's speech and writing, thus you should tone back the apparent dislike and view it more from a unbiased and cool-headed stand point.


Fuck you too, asshole.

However, Naj, there was no malicious intent behind Kamiroo's comments. They were simply confused as to why you want to quit and also that views do not dictate popularity. We all click on threads we barely read. And some click on certain threads more than once to come back to it. So it could be your opponent coming back each time to see some info that he may use in his story. Ergo, more views of the page. Hope this makes sense and you're still around to read it.

Najenda
06-08-2016, 12:45 PM
Just let her pussy off, if she can't handle one loss then she shouldn't be in a competitive activity in the first place.

Can you not be on my thread if your just gonna say that? There was no point because I didn't do anything to you. I responded back to Kamiroo in a bad manner because he actually DID SOMETHING. Why don't you fuck off, stay off our thread, and worry about your own problems you mother fucking jackass bitch.

.l. -_- .l.