PDA

View Full Version : SriGraecus(Wilder) vs. IgnusBurns(Levi M. Strider)



SriGraecus
07-18-2016, 10:55 AM
What a marvelous day for mayhem!

The Horned Spade, Master Marksman Wilder vs. The Time Hunter, Typhokinetic Levi M. Strider.

It was just one of those days again. Every time Percy ended up ripping off the wrong person, they found someone to chase after him. He had set up security cameras around the entire building, so it didn’t take very long for him to realize there was someone he didn’t realize coming in. He sat to watch, and when the man asked for him by name, he knew something was wrong.

Percy swore under his breath, gathering up the cards he had in his apartment before making his way to the door. He had a single, black fedora hanging on the coat rack and a black trench coat to match. He pulled them both on and walked out the door, locking it behind him.

It would’ve been a waste of time putting shoes on, as he would have had to take them off when putting on his suit anyway, so he tried his hardest to mask the fact that he wasn’t wearing shoes by wrapping his pants legs over the backs of his feet.

He came to the elevator rather quickly but decided against it, as his pursuer would most likely be in there. Instead, he walked down the remainder of the hallway, getting to the stairwell and beginning to make his way down. He sat on the rail, sliding down, with one explosive card in his hand just in case he needed it.

Turns out he didn’t need it at all and got back to the alley where his uniform was relatively quickly. He took the coat and hat off, hiding them where his suit was as he pulled it on. He slipped the mask on last, taking a deep breath as it snapped onto his face. He fed the cards he had on hand into his suit before he backed out of the alley, into the open street.

It was pretty early in the morning, so the traffic wasn’t too bad, maybe one or two cars, plus the little boy named Jason that would ride around on his bike delivering the newspapers every morning. Jason seemed to have already passed his building and Wilder was fine with that. It just meant he wouldn’t be in the way of getting hurt.

Wilder heard it before he saw what was happening. Glass breaking, people beginning to scream. When he turned his head up to look, he was shocked. The top of the building was coming down, debris and shards of glass beginning to fall. He couldn’t believe it, two days and two houses, could things get any worse?

He’d wished he didn’t start questioning his own luck. A bundle of dark smoke was falling quickly to the ground, much too dark to be from the destruction of his building. He flipped the explosive card in his hand around, hiding it in his palm as the smoke touched the ground. As soon as it did, it began to shift, the flowy parts of it turning humanlike. After a second, in its place stood a young man, maybe an inch or two shorter than Wilder himself.

He stood, coughing into his hand. He was caucasian, long shaggy blonde hair and he was wearing a long sleeve cyan-colored shirt and baggy beige pants. Wilder scanned him with his eyes a couple of times, spotting two kunais hooked to his belt. He had a big smile on his face, and Wilder had a slight flashback to Shaggy from Scooby Doo.

Wilder finally figured it was time to say something.
“You know, it’s a really big hassle to have lost two homes in two days, friend.” He spat out at the young man. The young man raised an eyebrow, pulling a kunai from his belt and spinning it around a bit.

“It’s pretty hard to tell if you’re actually talking or not.” He responded, ending it with a chuckle. Then he shrugged, walking to the right which Wilder mimicked by around him in a circle.

“I’m not really one to judge though. Someone’s put a lot of money on your head, friend.” He said. Wilder put his arms behind his back, switching his explosive card to his left hand and sliding a piercing card into his right.

“Is that so? Well, my momma always told me I’d be worth a lot of money one day.” He said, grinning, but his opponent couldn’t see it. “I think you’re a little young for this. What’s your name, kid.”

The young man laughed, bringing the kunai up to his shoulder, like Wilder did when he was throwing a card regularly. “Young? I’m twenty three, man.” He stopped walking, the smoke beginning to seep from in between stones and circle around him. “And the name’s Levi.”

In a quick motion, he threw the kunai. He was fast, but Wilder was faster, he’d been doing it all his life, afterall. He threw the exploding card and it collided with the kunai in mid-air, blowing up in a large puff of smoke. Assuming Levi hadn’t left his spot, he threw the piercing card. It cut through the smoke, heading straight for Levi’s head. He pulled the other kunai from his belt, knocking it to the side and dashing through the smoke which curled up around his arms.

He started off with one leaping kick which Wilder sidestepped quickly. He hit the ground much more softly than one normally would, aiming a flurry of kicks at his chest. Wilder blocked the attacks with his arms, the padded armor blocking the majority of the damage. When he saw an opening, he pushed back on Levi’s legs, making him stagger. He then leaned in, bringing his leg up for a hard, pushing kick to the face, one that would probably throw him to the ground if it connected.

Levi steadied himself, bringing his arms up to block the kick. He retaliated with a low sweep, knocking Wilder off of his legs. He hit the ground hard and immediately rolled away, a foot smashing into the ground where his head was a second ago. He lifted himself up on his palms, swinging his legs around like a breakdancer and knocking Levi down.

As soon as Levi hit the ground, Wilder jumped back up, three fire cards in his hand. He threw them all together in a straight line which would amplify the fire. Levi turned, the smoke around him coming in front of him and forming a shield which blocked the cards. They stuck in the shield, and after a moment exploded into fire, burning the smoke away as if it was dry tender for a fire.

Levi leaped up, a high kick aimed for Wilder’s face. He jumped back, retaliating with his own kick which Levi blocked easily, grabbing Wilder’s foot and pulling it toward him, locking him in place. Wilder swore underneath his breath, kicks wouldn’t work and close quarters combat was pretty much a stalemate. Seeing this, Wilder locked his foot under Levi’s armpit and jumped up, bringing his other leg around and kicking Levi in the face. Wilder fell to the ground and Levi stumbled back, his two kunai appearing in his hands.

Wilder rolled backwards, jumping away with three cards in his hands; a piercing, an impact, and an electrocuting one. Levi stayed quiet, leaning back to throw his kunai again. Wilder easily sidestepped them, but when he looked back, Levi was in front of him with a third kunai in his hand. He couldn’t tell if it was an extra or if one of the others had teleported back, but he didn’t have the time to mull it over.

Levi swiped out at him in a wide slashing arc which Wilder ducked under. He stuck his cards in the chest pocket of his trench coat, bringing both hands up to guard his face as if he were a boxer. He threw a few quick jabs at Levi’s chest which were easily blocked or dodged. As soon as Levi stepped back, Wilder dashed in, pivoting his foot inward with a wide swing aimed for Levi’s side.

Just as he expected, it was dodged with a backwards jump, and as he brought his arm back around, he whipped his other arm up, the electrocuting card in his hand, and flicked it forward. Smoke flew up again, hardening into a much more reliable shield, though that didn’t stop the electrocution from taking effect. The electricity arced around the shield, singeing the ends of the smoke before fading away slowly.

Wilder took a few steps back as Levi stood back up, not a hint of emotion on his face. Wilder thought that was weird, but he didn’t care enough to think about it. Three cards ejected from his suit, all piercing. Levi held his hand out, a ball of smoke flowing around in his palm. He crushed it under his fingers and ran forward again.

Wilder threw the first card which Levi blocked with his kunai. He then threw the others in a curving arc, yet Levi swung outward wildly, knocking them both away. When he got in close enough, Levi flipped the kunai around, stabbing it at Wilder’s chest. He managed to dodge most of the stabs but the others only skidded off his suit, leaving small marks.

Levi ran into him, catching Wilder off guard, slamming his shoulder into his chest. As Wilder stumbled back, Levi opened his hand, the ball of smoke coming back. Before Wilder could react, Levi shoved it forward and it exploded into Wilders chest like a shotgun blast. It threw Wilder backwards and he crashed into the ground, rolling before coming to his knee slowly. Wilder brought a hand down to feel at his chest, but his armor was still there. It must’ve been blunt impact.

Wilder turned back to the fight, all too late as Levi was already there above him, a solid sword made of smoke in his hand. Wilder rolled to the side as Levi came down, the sword disintegrating as it made contact with the ground. Wilder jumped to his feet only to be bombarded with small balls of smoke. They stopped for a moment, which gave Wilder time to look up and assess the situation. Levi had another small ball of smoke in his hand, but it was gradually getting bigger. He had to do something about that.

He ejected a confetti card from his suit as well as an impact one. He tossed the confetti one over Levi’s head and nailed it with the impact one, causing an explosion of confetti to drop down on top of him. As Levi fought to get it off, Wilder ran up to him, jumping into the air and dropkicking him as hard as he could. Levi gasped, the ball in his hand falling to pieces as he flew backwards, crashing into a large piece of debris.

Wilder was breathing hard and he made the mistake of shutting his eyes to take a deep breath. As soon as they snapped back open, Levi was in front of him, halfway in the air with a kick aimed to Wilder’s chest. It was too fast to block and too close to dodge, so Wilder just had to brace himself and hope he could take it.

Spoiler Alert: he couldn’t. The force of the kick itself threw him to the ground, but the pain in his chest nailed him to it. It was then that he realized the extra impact behind the kick, which he figured was due to the steel-toed boots Levi was wearing. But that wasn't it, there was something else there, almost as if there were two of Levi, kicking him in the same spot at the same time. God damn did it hurt.

Wilder swept his legs around, knocking Levi off his feet before jumping up to take in his environment. In the middle of the street, debris around them, parking meters, one fire hydrant, and all of Levi’s smoke. Suddenly, Wilder had an idea.

Before Levi could get up, Wilder took three explosive cards, setting them on the ground and backing away. When they exploded, the cloud of smoke being the biggest one yet. Wilder dashed around in the smoke, setting down proximity mines and tying the confetti cards along with them. As soon as he was done with that, he wrapped more proximity and confetti combos around the parking meters.

He walked slowly over, leaning on the fire hydrant. He pulled his mask away to wipe the sweat from his forehead and snapped it back into place. Not even a full second after, the first mine went off, confetti flying off out of the giant smoke cloud. Then the next, and the next, and the next. Levi finally came out of the smoke, breathing hard with confetti covering his shoulders and his hair.

Wilder chuckled, flipping a coin around his fingers.
“Y’know, I think you look better like this.” He joked. Levi sneered, the smoke still floating around the air curling back around him. It slowly took the form of a giant bundle of smokey kunais. Wilder sighed, tossing the coin away and ejecting a piercing card into one of his hands.

He threw it to his side, the card slicing through the parking meters and he ran along the sidewalk, kicking them out towards Levi, the cards would explode when they got near them, and then a secondary explosion would throw confetti everywhere. The barrage of kunais followed him, crashing into the building behind him as he ran. He dove behind an old newspaper box, the kunais embedding themselves in the other side of it. He took a deep breath, taking an explosive card and an electrocuting card and sticking them together with some force. He actually got shocked a little, but the new card combo felt like it would do some serious damage.

As soon as he heard the kunais stop, he lept up over the box, the combo in one hand and a piercing and an impact card in the other. Levi was standing closer to the sidewalk, the kunais floating out behind him in the air. Wilder launched the impact and the piercing card and they whizzed past Levi on his left side.

Unbeknownst to him, the impact card struck the fire hydrant, denting it, and the piercing card sliced straight through the top, water exploding out of the top. It began to spill out, drenching the street in water. Levi hadn’t noticed, but when he did, he stumbled, his smokey kunais wavering and beginning to fall apart for a second, and for the first time since the kick from before, it felt like there was only one of him.

Wilder knew this was his moment. He threw the combo card in his hand at Levi, who didn’t have the time to react. It hit him in the chest, exploding and electrocuting him at the same time. He fell to his knees and Wilder rushed forward, his arm poised for a punch. Levi swung first, but Wilder caught it and twisted his arm backwards, punching him quickly in the face. Levi fell back again, but Wilder held him up, and blood began dripping from Levi’s nose. Wilder brought his hand high over his head, swinging down quickly and chopping Levi in the throat. He choked for a second before falling down to the ground, unconscious.

Wilder stepped back, breathing heavily. The fire hydrant continued to spew water into the air and it began to rain down on Wilder. He looked around, noting the damage they’d done around him. He swore under his breath and bent down to grab Levi and drag him over to the sidewalk, leaning him up against the wall. He ejected two piercing cards, using one to carve a message in the other and then sticking it into the ground. He kept the clean one in his hand and left the scene, not bothering to go back and get his coat and his hat.

He’d had mercenaries sent after him before, but none like that, none with powers. He was starting to think this had something to do with Selofina and his primary home, and if it did, it was beginning to piss him off.

He might as well have just called himself chaos, it always seemed to follow him around…





Later on when Levi would wake up, rain pelting him on the sidewalk, the first thing he would notice was the card embedded into the ground in front of him, a message carved into one side of it.

Brushing his hair out of his face, he shakily stood up, plucking the card from the ground and spinning it around in his hand. After some time, he brought the card to his face to read out the message.

The card was an Ace of Spades, but it was a custom one, detailed with two devils horns and a spiked tail. Around the symbol, the message read; ‘Don’t follow. Things will get Wilder.’ with a little devil emoji with its tongue out carved in at the bottom. Levi snickered, pocketing the card and walking away in the opposite direction.

“He’d be perfect for the Blades...too bad he’s gone now,”






Later on, in one of Wilder’s other backup homes, a sudden thought occurred to him as he was fixing himself a relaxing cup of tea. He quickly ran back to his suit, ejecting all of the cards left in it. There were about a dozen of each card; except for the flashbang and weighted net cards. It would be an understatement to say he screamed his head off.



“What is it?” Levi asked, tilting his head to look.
Catena plucked it out of their front door, scanning it over, “Looks like a playing card.”
“How’d it get here?” Kiro questioned.
Levi pointed out the card’s corners, which were seemingly metal and sharp, “Maybe someone threw it?”
“Why though? Is it a threat?” Catena asked, confusion draping her face.
Kiro shook his head, “It probably isn’t from the same people who attacked Levi, they’ve learned their lesson.” He turned the card over, revealing it was an Ace of Spades, but one he’d never seen before…

The spade was gray, with black horns shooting from the top and a tail from the bottom. The name WILDER was written across it in crooked letters.
Levi laughed, “Whoever Wilder is... He’s picking the wrong fight here.” he said, a smile playing on his lips.

Kiro nodded, “Humph. I don’t think it’s a threat, maybe an invitation? To a fight?” Turning the card over another time, the three of them looked it over for any indication of a clue.
Catena took a step back and grunted, “Whoever this guy is, we already know he works from the shadows. I don’t think he’d just leave a message on there for us.”

Kiro sighed, “You’re probably right. Levi, you still have your blacklight?”
He nodded, “Yeah?”
“Bring it out, I got a feeling…”
Levi ran inside and grabbed the device from his closet, turning it on and running back outside.
The leader took it and shone it over the back of the card. Text appeared under the UV light…
360 West Street Boulevard, Seven PM…
Levi tilted his head to read the note. “Alright. That’s today. We all going?” he asked.

Catena and Kiro looked at him, “Why don’t you go?” the chain goddess proposed.
“Why just me? We could all go and wipe the floor with him!”
They looked at each other, then back to Levi, “We’re busy…” They said in unison.
He stared at them with a disgusted look, “Really?”
Kiro looked down, “No…”
“Unbelievable… Fine I’ll go on my own, give me the card…”
Kiro handed it over and Levi pocketed it.

Going back inside, he put on a his leather jacket and steel toed boots. He tightened the belt around his waist and hooked his old and new kunai onto it. He walked back out and patted his clan mates on the shoulders. “I’ll be back, if I’m not, well… Forget about me anyway.”
They both nodded and walked back inside, slamming the door behind them…
Levi turned towards downtown, “Well Wilder, let me come and seal the deal…”
*****
Walking down the street, Levi looked over the card, almost bumping into several people along the way.
Finally, he stopped in front of his destination, rain splashing against his glasses and nose.
“Couldn’t have chosen a better place to fight Wilder?” He asked himself, looking over the run down apartment complex.
Five stories, boarded windows, peeling paint? Real classy.

Movement at the top of the building made Levi tense up. Acting casual, acting as if he hadn’t seen, he walked towards the building’s door, opening the door with a loud creak. He didn’t enter.
Instead, he let the door close with an equally loud squeak.
“Better move quick, that rain makes it hard to turn to smoke.” He said quietly.
He dissipated, reappearing with both hands latched onto the rooftop’s edge. He pulled himself up with as little noise as possible, taking advantage of the sound produced by the now pouring rain.

Sitting on the ridge, he spied the person guarding the rooftop door.
His costume was interesting, reminded Levi of a comic book vigilante with baggy pants and more armored shoulders.
The armor over his forearms were covered in intricate designs. And his wrists appeared mechanical. A playing card was held in his hand. The familiar Horned Spade was detailed on the back of his sweet looking trench coat.

Levi looked from left to right, then back to who he could only guess could be Wilder.
“Expecting someone?” He yelled over the rain.
The dealer reacted with lightning speed, spinning and flinging the readied card in his hand at Levi. Who raised two fingers and caught it, two inches from his face.
He raised it up for Wilder to see, who seemed to rear back in shock, his eyes wide behind his skull like mask.

“This yours?” Levi asked, pulling out the original playing card from the house.
Wilder nodded slowly.
“Were you trying to threaten us?”
Wilder looked down, then shook his head vigorously.
“Do you just want a fight?” Levi questioned, tilting his head to the right.
Wilder nodded.
“Alright, but... I warn you… I won’t be intimidated!”

Levi bent his legs, one pushed forward, the other set back, and he turned slightly sideways, his normal battle stance. Wilder followed, putting his right hand on his left wrist, a card popping out from a slit on his wrist.
Levi smiled, raised his fists, and gave the “C’mon” gesture…
Wilder’s cheeks tightened behind his mask, giving the impression he was smiling. He tensed, then hurled his card.

Levi dodged, rolling to the left as the card streaked over him. He looked up to see Wilder throw another. Assuming it was another razor tipped one, Levi caught it, but as he did, a blinding flash of light erupted from the card, causing him to cover his eyes and stagger backwards.

He rubbed the blindness away to see Wilder punch him in the stomach. Levi retched, spitting in the card thrower’s face.
Levi retaliated with a sweep of the leg, sending Wilder tumbling, who quickly rolled off the ground and raised his fists.
“Already abandoning your toys?” Levi asked, “Fine…”

He rushed forward, leaping into the air and dissipating into smoke, Can’t stay in smoke for long, the rain won’t allow it…
He reappeared behind Wilder, who had staggered back in confusion, and savagely kicked him in the back with a vicious side kick. The force launched him to the edge of the roof, and Levi got an idea.

The Horned Spade got up, turning around to face Levi again.
“C’mon man! You got anything that hits harder in that deck?” He asked, smiling maliciously.
Wilder growled behind his mask, and a new card appeared in his hand, the symbol being a bomb instead of a Spade.
He threw it, and Levi smiled wider, bending back to let the card fly over him. He yelled “Brain Freeze!” And the rain, card, and Wilder all stopped in place.

The Time Hunter scooted out from under the explosive, picked it up from mid-flight, and threw it back at Wilder. He let time go, and a huge blast hit the dealer in the face, sending him over the edge of the complex.
Levi reacted quickly, turning to smoke and going over the edge after him. He reappeared and drop kicked Wilder in mid-air, kicking him through a fourth story window with a loud CRACK!!!

Levi dissipated again, following Wilder through the window…
*****
Solidifying, Levi’s face scrunched up at the inside...
It was worse than the outside…
More peeling paint. The stench of rat dung and rotting wood filled the musty air, and ruined and soggy carpet blanketed the floor. A torn couch and broken lamp sat in the corner to Levi’s right.

A pile of broken and wet wood laid on the other side of the room, along with a trail of blood through the door and into the hall.
Levi approached the door cautiously, unhooking both kunai from his belt, holding them up against the inside of his forearms to keep them concealed.

He entered the hall and a card soared at him from his right. He spun a kunai like a fan, deflecting the card into the ceiling, where it stuck like a knife.
Levi raised an eyebrow. Then continued down the hall, heading for the fifth floor.

“Better scout around a little…” He whispered, smoke pouring off his body and forming four smokey clones of himself. He sent two into the other doors on the fourth floor, while the other two followed him to the fifth.

He pointed to the first two doors, and the clones walked in. As soon as either of them took a step inside, a blinding explosion ripped through the room into them.
“Traps. Saw that coming. Why wouldn’t he have trip-mine variants?” He said quietly, smirking.
Gonna have to shift the playing field to my favor. Wilder probably recognizes my fighting style now…

Levi focused, and smoke, the smallest particles he could possibly find, started gathering into the rooms.
Stepping into the first room, he immediately felt a presence in the right corner.
A foot slammed into his side, sending him tumbling into the left wall. Looking up, a card raced towards his face. Reacting out of instinct, Levi reached out and caught it, greeted by a massive surge of electricity coursing up his arm and through his body.

Levi tensed, eyes widening as he screamed in pain. The electricity made him clench his fists, disallowing him to let the card go. Nice… Instincts Levi...
He managed to look up and see Wilder preparing a two cards.
Levi struggled to open the hand holding the card, his fingers beginning to cooperate. They slowly started to open while Wilder walked leisurely over, holding two razor tipped cards.

“You know, you gave me quite the scare at the beginning there. But you’re done doing anything now…” Wilder said confidently. He raised both cards over Levi, about to execute him.
Have to… Act… Quick... He thought.

Wilder swung his right card, and Levi reached up with his now open, electrified hand, gripping the Spade’s wrist as tightly as he could, letting the electricity seal his hand shut again.
Lightning now coursed over his entire body and onto Wilder, who started to scream.
“I’m… Not going… To go… Down that easy!!” Levi screamed through his pain.
He grabbed Wilder’s other wrist, brought his head back, and slammed his forehead into the Spade’s nose, cracking his mask.

His opponent staggered backwards, and Levi stood, forced his right hand open, and the card fell from his grip.
He staggered, falling to a knee again and gripping his now charred right palm with his left. His kunai had fallen from his grasp when he’d been kicked, and they laid a few feet away next to the door.

Levi blinked erratically, smoke, not his, seemingly pouring from his eyes. Tears flowed out trying to soothe the stinging pain.
Through the blurriness produced by the moisture, Levi saw Wilder struggling to get up.
“Having trouble getting rid of that pain Wilder? I’m not!” The Merc yelled, his healing starting to kick in.

The burning sensation started to subside, and Levi managed to stand. He scooted over to the door and picked up his knives.
Walking over to Wilder, Levi raised his kunai to slash, but the Spade rolled to the left, avoiding the strike.
The Merc growled in frustration, rushed to the left, leapt into the air and slammed both feet into Wilder’s face, completely shattering the skull like mask.

Levi’s opponent went flying into the wall, sliding down into a slump. Waltzing over, breathing heavily, Levi hooked a kunai back onto his belt. Grabbing Wilder by the collar, Levi brought him up to his face, where he held a knife to his dark skinned neck.
“You were pretty good Wilder…” Levi said, pressing the knife into his neck.

Wilder smiled, his chocolate skin wrinkling, his brown eyes showing amusement. “Yeah… Now you can finish me.” He said.
Levi loosened the knife a little, “I don’t kill, I just came here to teach you a lesson…” He replied, letting Wilder slouch against the wall.
“Well, you better get out of here, the people hunting me are probably already targeting this place.”
“What?!” Levi ran to the boarded up window, kicked a piece off and looked outside. A large, old timey looking military helicopter was flying towards the building.

The Merc turned, hooked his remaining kunai and ran over to Wilder.
He put an arm under the Spade’s shoulder and lifted him up and laid him across Levi’s shoulders, fireman style.
Wilder grunted, sounding confused as he spoke. “What’re you doing?”
“Saving your life-” Levi pointed towards the boarded window, “-Blow that window open.” He said.

Wilder laughed, “I can do more than that…” He braced himself against Levi’s shoulder, drew a card, threw it, and covered his face. Levi turned away as the entire wall blew away…
Turning back towards the hole, the Merc yelled, “Hold on tight!” Followed by Wilder tensing up.

Levi ran to the window as the helicopter fired its missiles…

The Merc and the Spade fell like rocks as the apartments exploded behind them. Levi reached his hand out, and smoke started to form under them, making their descent slow as they plummeted towards the concrete below.
Wilder drew three cards and threw them at the floor, three explosions of confetti forming below them.
“Drop us…” Wilder squeaked. Levi dissipated the smoke, and the two of them fell into the confetti, it mostly breaking their fall.
Levi dug himself out, dragging Wilder out and behind the now flaming complex.

They sat next to each other, breathing heavily, Wilder from injuries, and Levi from exhaustion.
“Does this make us friends now? Since I saved your life?” Levi asked, looking over.
“No, I still wanna beat you.” Wilder replied, without a hint of doubt.
“Good. You know, since I’ve beaten you and taught you not to mess with with Blades. The only way you could ever face me again is if you joined.” Levi said matter-of-factly.
Wilder looked over, “That’s a scary thought. Would I have to share a room with you?”
Levi shook his head for “no”.
Wilder smiled, blood trickling down his temple. “I’ll think about it…”



And that's that! Remember to vote fairly, and CnC is appreciated.

Azure
07-18-2016, 11:01 AM
Hm. Posting this a bit early, eh? Since the thread's already been made, you're not going to be able to add a poll later on.

SriGraecus
07-18-2016, 11:36 AM
Really? I had no idea that's how that worked, I figured it'd be possible to add a poll later on. Well, that's my fault for making brash assumptions, apologies.

IgnusBurns
07-18-2016, 11:41 AM
Really? I had no idea that's how that worked, I figured it'd be possible to add a poll later on. Well, that's my fault for making brash assumptions, apologies.

Eh, it's cool man, want me to do the poll? Azure could bin this (poll.).

SriGraecus
07-18-2016, 11:55 AM
Yea, sure. I feel pretty dumb about that, I shouldn't be trusted to do things.

IgnusBurns
07-18-2016, 11:57 AM
Yea, sure. I feel pretty dumb about that, I shouldn't be trusted to do things.

That's pretty harsh, don't worry about it. We were all rookies once.

SriGraecus
07-18-2016, 12:13 PM
Well, I'm a bit of a perfectionist and it takes a lot to not beat myself up for doing things wrong, I'll get over it soon, but it still affects me.

Creepin_Bro
07-18-2016, 12:38 PM
Can't you add a poll using the thread tools drop down bar?

IgnusBurns
07-18-2016, 12:42 PM
Can't you add a poll using the thread tools drop down bar?

Don't know, I've never tried.

Azure
07-18-2016, 03:30 PM
It seems I can add a poll if need be. Well just wait and see how things go, eh? Focus on your battle, I'll handle technicalities.

SriGraecus
07-18-2016, 05:11 PM
Ah, thank you very much, Azure, that helps a lot. Really takes my mind off of it.

Malacal
07-19-2016, 11:57 PM
You can add a poll without having uber powers after making the post, I've done it two or three times.
However, it's always an annoying and tedious one because they did a good damn job of hiding the option. I want to say you have to edit your post, go advanced, and then somewhere there should be poll options as though you'd just created the post.
But I don't remember so... good luck.

SriGraecus
07-20-2016, 05:43 AM
Oh cool, I'm still fairly new here so I don't really know how the layout of things work. Thanks for sharing that info with me.

Crank
07-27-2016, 11:09 PM
Oh snap, it's up!

Pretty solid first fight! There were a few pretty important thing that I wanted to touch on though. First and foremost, I just want to start with this:



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsoSeeEA83E&feature=youtu.be

Alright, so, realistically, I cared about that much more than you did. Bald dude's my bro, so I can automatically watch him fight and be pumped on his side like no one's business. This edge of your seat-ness needs to be earned though, even if you're already established the character a bit. For the most part, you kinda reset that meter every story, and you turn the dial in your favor by showing emotion. Thoughts, expression, emotion are all how you're going to do this, as well as showing things bit from your character's perspective a bit. Back to my example, Random Bald Dude was most likely just kinda a faceless drone up until 1:41 (if ya even got that far), at which point we get clear pride and whatnot, and then he starts hugging people to confirm his not being a jackass. For the most part, it was like we watched your guy from too far away to really care about him. Things were happening to him, admittedly things that'd ruin anyone's day, but it didn't have as much impact as it could've.

Second thing might be more of a personal preference to me, but I'd recommend avoiding stamping your foes into your stories. Like, your bounty hunter could've been anyone. In my experience, if there's a slot you want a character to fill, you widdle them down to the role you want, typically leaving their personality as shavings on the ground.

Levi, on the outside, appears extremely optimistic and happy-go-lucky. Underneath the skin however, he holds a much more serious demeanor which he shows in fights, concerning conversation or any other situation that calls for it.
He's very critical of how he performs, therefore making him somewhat of a perfectionist, and he constantly criticizes himself to get better.
He does not like talking about family, as it brings back bad memories of his mother. However, mention his sister and he will become somewhat somber and guilty looking, as he feels guilty for not being able to protect her. Mention of his father makes him go monotone, as he never knew him.

They lose a lot of their depth and intrigue like that as well. If you can force yourself to find a way why the characters would fight and give them specific motivations (I need this money, our clan building is going to be foreclosed if we can't get quick cash), which in tern brings out emotion and helps strengthen my first point. For a ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A though, it is commonly acceptable to have the reason for a fight be a literal RHG fight. Just maybe don't do that every single time, and again, reasons for why it's even set up are a plus.

Third thing's actually pretty minor. Said is a pretty crappy word, if you can avoid it I'd recommend it. Retrospectively, I realize you only used it like, twice, but if I drop this I'd have to edit my intro to make 'few' 'couple', and that'd be too much work.

Again though, nice first fight!

As a graphic designer, consistent double spacing is so much prettier than single spaced talking. Anyway!

Pretty solid fight! Your piece did have a lot more personality, but there were a cluster of times that logic seemed vacant, which in turn makes it harder to immerse into.

Take Wilder's arc, for example, there are people following him, so he challenges a handful of people to a fight, not specifying who against, where he meets them on the roof, dispute the issue of a chopper. He then proceeds to exhaust himself and his foe, who he straight attempted to murder right off the bat (at least he appeared to). The fight doesn't pan out for him, but luckily, Levi bails him out, and then Wilder assists with the getaway. At this point, Levi has no reason Wilder, who again, snuck to the clan base with a maybe threat and introduced himself via attempted murder with some pretty clear problems evidently following him, and recommends him joining his clan. Now, the main issue with all of this is that Wilder seemed to know about the chopper, or at least that he was most likely going to be attacked by a third party. This knowledge throws all of his prior actions into question, whereas if he didn't know, he wouldn't suspect running the risk of exhaustion, having to worry about choosing a public place and it'd make sense for him to want to polish up his skills.

Basically, make sure you know what your character knows, otherwise your reader won't know what to do with it.


The other thing I suggest changing a bit, is add some highlights to the action. Ever watch a movie or show where a bullet or something goes slow motion? It's because it's important, and even though in real life action moves quick, it's good to really showcase some actions. Typically, I do first blow, turning points, bottom of the barrel, and finisher, but you can do whatever feels right, really.


The Merc growled in frustration, rushed to the left, leapt into the air and slammed both feet into Wilder’s face, completely shattering the skull like mask.

Growling at the near miss, the Merc bolted to the left as Wilder continued his roll before leaping into the air. A cool shade passed over the card-wielder, but completely clothed, his body failed to warn of the dastardly foreshadowing until his body completed another turn and his eyes bulged in fright. He didn't even see Levi, just the massive boots jetting his face, and lacking even the time to bring his arms to take the brunt of the impact, his plastic mask shattered like glass before the pain of the devastating blow pounded into his brain.
They get easier to write and find good places for as you do them, but it can add a really climatic feel to your story.

Again, good job! Just work on ironing out your motives a bit more and showcase your highlights.

IgnusBurns
07-28-2016, 09:12 AM
Thanks Crank! I appreciate the CnC! Good advice, I'll totally iron out my actions and highlights to try and get the most out of them in the future. Btw, you gonna vote?

SaulMurphy
07-28-2016, 10:53 AM
I am not one for CnC. I sadly have an untrained eye when it comes to seeing mistakes (unless blatantly obvious). However, I do know what I like. In every story I like content and characters, not so much fighting.

"But Saul, handsome and mythical sage that I want to aspire to be like, this is a battle literature section."
"You bet your hat it is Timmy."

I just simply enjoy a fleshed out character and story, rather than A and B come here and fight, poof, winner. Thus my decision was Ignus. While Sri had a compelling and absolutely action packed story with twists and details galore. Ignus had more character interaction and narrative, which is a personal favourite of mine.

I based my decision on personal reading preference. Not necessarily grammar and story structure. While I'm sure both had faults (read Crank above) it came down to story and characters, thus Ignus.

SriGraecus
07-28-2016, 01:27 PM
Ah, I'm glad to see this is getting some exposure!

Crank, thanks for the CnC, I usually try to go back through my own work to try and decipher my own mistakes, but I'm not very good at it. I've only ever criticized myself and this is the first time I've ever had a place where I could get feedback, so it's never been a possibility for me to have someone else read over my things. Nonetheless, I take this as an opportunity to upgrade and improve.

Even if I lose this, it was a lot of fun and it was a nice learning experience.