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Thread: Manny Ken (Azure) vs Fred (buckethead)

  1. #1
    Skull Enforcer Azure's Avatar
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    Manny Ken (Azure) vs Fred (buckethead)

    So, this battle had no formal due date initially, it was simply due "around Christmas time." I've spoken with my opponent several times and my most recent two PMs, trying to verify how far along he is as well as to set an ultimatum, seem to have gone ignored. So, I'll be posting my half of the battle. If he comes and posts his battle by Christmas, I'll set up a poll, but as things currently stand, I'm taking this as a forfeit on buckethead's end. The conditions for the battle were that we needed a minimum of 5K words.

    Here is a link to the battle on GDocs.

    Spoiler for Mannequin v Dummy: The Battle That Could Never End:

    Spoiler for What I've Obtained:

  2. #2
    Return of Asshat Supreme 969_DoomsDruid_969's Avatar
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    I literally can't give CnC on anything you guys write, because it is all too good. wat do

    but in all seriousness, in his "emptiness" arc thing going on right now,this should be his new theme tune.

    Also, once I finish my shit, get my act/priorities together and post an actually good version of Alice, then I will want to fight the feline monk guy. Fucking Come At me Bro

    I am a quality shitposter(and Magnificent Bastard). You, on the other hand, are a shit-quality poster.

    Spoiler for Writing Motto:

    Spoiler for me:

    (made a wRHG)
    (wants to join a clan for the time being)

  3. #3
    Skull Enforcer Azure's Avatar
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    Leoncio is mentioned at the end of this story, and as you may have noticed, he's changed.

    Also, anything is CnC for me. Just say what you think.

    Spoiler for What I've Obtained:

  4. #4
    Return of Asshat Supreme 969_DoomsDruid_969's Avatar
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    That would be why I mentioned him then, wouldn't it?

    As for CnC, I can't think of anything. It's not because I would be a hypocrite, because then I wouldn't try to think of any CnC. I just can't really find any flaws.

    I am a quality shitposter(and Magnificent Bastard). You, on the other hand, are a shit-quality poster.

    Spoiler for Writing Motto:

    Spoiler for me:

    (made a wRHG)
    (wants to join a clan for the time being)

  5. #5
    Keikaku means plan Devour's Avatar
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    Comments that make sense first:
    Your part was a great read. I loved the emotions, the path that everything took to tell the story, the ideas presented... Like how the plan to trap Manny was to seal him underground forever. Though Fred definitely had the opportunity to seal Manny inside without being locked in himself
    I also liked how the savior was Fred's girlfriend coming there against orders. The subtleties of storytelling were awesome. I enjoyed reading this.
    For C&Cing such a long story, what I did was read with Notepad opened and I wrote down my thoughts whenever I saw something that I could offer advice and improvement towards. The story was fantastic, so this is just a long collection of general advice:


    “That was more or less the problem though.“
    This sentence sounds better without the “though” at the end. I'd either say “But that was more or less the problem” or change nothing, but remove the “though.” Try to minimize redundancy.
    ___

    “Fuck moping about,”he says aloud.
    Switched from past tense to present tense here. You actually switched from past to present tense quite a bit in the story. I suppose I'd watch out for that.
    ___

    “There are a few screams from those who saw his fall and his brushing it off;”
    This sentence was a bit awkward. When trying to join two parts together like this, try a descriptive phrase to make the 2nd part its own thing. Perhaps something like, “from those who saw his fall, and his apparent lack of care to what just happened” for example.
    ___

    Sometimes when people are speaking for long periods at a time, I like to break the dialogue with a small segment of what the speaker does in between breaths or some such. Unless someone's reciting a prepared speech, the speaker or the person he's talking to will likely have a reaction of some kind before he's finished talking. For some paragraphs of dialogue, they were quite interesting and colorful. But with none of these breaks between the dialogue, it left me imagining Manny saying his whole speech while standing in one place, while Fred just watched with little reaction. If you read my battle with Piston that I posted just now, I do these breaks a lot (and maybe too much) with my dialogue.


    I would also work on making the dialogue flow a bit more smoothly. Lots of what people said didn't seem natural, or how people tend to speak irl. I'm not really sure how to give an example of this, except that good dialogue has a sort of rhythm to it. It should be easy to read out loud, written in the same manner that people tend to speak. The dialogue in this story was great and quite entertaining, so this is just a general improvement that I suggest.
    ___

    Another random piece of advice while I'm reading: Try to minimize using “and” after a comma. If it's avoidable, then use an alternative since it's technically bad grammar and sounds kind of awkward.
    For example, you can turn “He smashes the edge down again, and again.” into “He smashes the edge down over and over again. The upside is you can use “over and over and over and over and over” without the words growing dull as fast. It can be great for enforcing brutality.
    ___

    “And I’m guessing that, from his being fine being stuck with me and shock at your appearance that this little endeavor of yours isn’t ordained by the RHG Organization.”
    Just pointing this part out as well. The two ideas are conjoined messily in this sentence and I got tripped up reading it. I could write up an alternative that flows smoothly if you want an example, but you could probably do that yourself. I gave advice to this problem a few paragraphs up.
    Last edited by Devour; 12-25-2016 at 04:28 AM.

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