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Thread: Disappearance (A Blade Merc. Tale)

  1. #1
    Extra Crispy Haru's Avatar
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    Feb 2015
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    Disappearance (A Blade Merc. Tale)

    Spoiler for Disclaimer:


    After procrastinating our heads off and being bogged down with school/work, Chaotic and I finally finished a work of literature.
    Hope you enjoy!

    Link to Google Docs

    Spoiler for WHO I SUPP:

    I will remember you, Iwata...
    Quote Originally Posted by Richard
    ...but you just dealt me a crisp one right there.

  2. #2
    Tough Love
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
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    Belgium
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    It's nice to see you two writing something again, in what's been like... forever.

    CBA to do a full critique so here's just the things that stood out to me ;

    Some lines feel really unnatural and forced, either they're a bit too on-the-nose exposition/redundant (“I left knowing we didn’t have anything going on. But you told me to meet you here, which means you have some kind of idea of what’s happening, right?”), or don't really sound like things real people would say. ("I think we are forgetting that he has CIA technology").

    Other than that, the whole part about there being this quote on quote 'massive hacker' feels extremely forced in and out of place. It just suddenly happens, Kiro sputters some dialogue and skims over it like that, and then it's never brought up again. I guess you're trying to set something up for the future, which is nice (hey more writing is always nice), but this part completely wrecked the pace of the story for me a bit :P .

    One last remark is how there's this beep that makes Catena shut up, though it's never really explained what it was, or why it set Kiro off so much. The most I can imagine is that the beep came from the machinery of their makeshift headquarters, but then why would Kiro be so suspicious about it? Feels weird.

    All in all though, the story had some charm and certainly didn't overstay its welcome. Here's me hoping we'll be seeing more writing from you guys soon.

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