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  • Piston

    3 75.00%
  • Azarel

    1 25.00%
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Thread: Steam Vs Azarel

  1. #11
    Senior new guy
    Join Date
    Feb 2017
    Quote Originally Posted by Applecharm11 Starhorse
    And as for Azarel,

    CNC time!

    First off, the way you wrote Steam's character isn't quite clear. He seems to be cold and 'evil' upon the very first appearance, and suddenly soft hearted to his daughter before turning chill. Parts of the battle like Azarel getting into Steam's ship was unclear, had to read a few times to try to understand. Did Azarel teleport up to his ship? They were fighting and suddenly he gets on the ship. This is quite confusing. Try to elaborate clearly on how Azarel and when he managed to sneak onto Steam's ship without him knowing.

    Long sentences are good things, but not too long. I advise breaking up most of your sentences that have too manna commas into shorter sentences. This'll help readers follow easily instead of being fed so much information at once.

    On a side note, Steam has feelings and a proper consciousness. Robots don't. He's an automaton.

    Other than that, the climatic atmosphere created by the battle is too quickly broken down. A bit more description of time passing as he calms down, thoughts of Steam's defeat perhaps, could help ease the parts smoother. But otherwise, your battle's descriptions of actions was quite good. Keep on going!
    Okay, i'll try to make it clearer and easier to read next time, and, I think that I kinda forgot to explain how Azarel got on the ship, but thanks for the CNC. anyway!
    Last edited by Azarel CS.777; 03-21-2017 at 10:26 PM.


    No, battling Sharpiro.

    I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you're not afraid to admit it then paste this into your signature.

  2. #12
    Origami Jeff Sharpiro's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    The Writer's Lounge
    Annnnnnd I'm back! Dang piston, you've improved so much ever since I went off the grid. As for Cnc, I can give none because I am terrible at that. I haven't even read the stories yet, so that's a maybe for Cnc
    Quote Originally Posted by Lao-tzu
    "A leader is best when people barely know he exists, when his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say: we did it ourselves."
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  3. #13
    W 2/L 4/T 0/F 0 Piston1937's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2016
    My personal hell
    Wanna go for another round Sharpiro?

    I am Iching for battle and you are a good stone to hone my skills on.
    Last edited by Piston1937; 03-22-2017 at 04:57 PM.
    RHG Piston1937 (Not complete)

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