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  • Piston

    3 75.00%
  • Azarel

    1 25.00%
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Thread: Steam Vs Azarel

  1. #1
    W 3/L 4/T 0/F 0 Piston1937's Avatar
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    Steam Vs Azarel

    Spoiler for The Darkness and laser light(Piston):

    Spoiler for Azarel vs Steam(Azarel):
    Last edited by Piston1937; 03-20-2017 at 09:28 PM.
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  2. #2
    W 3/L 4/T 0/F 0 Piston1937's Avatar
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    Well I won't say I am exactly happy with Steam exploding but oh well.

    NOW PICK MY STORY TO SHREDS I want all the CNC.
    Last edited by Piston1937; 03-20-2017 at 09:31 PM.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member Urako's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Piston1937 View Post
    Well I won't say I am exactly happy with Steam exploding but oh well.

    NOW PICK MY STORY TO SHREDS I want all the CNC.
    Don't worry about it. Characters die all the time but they come back later anyways
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  4. #4
    W 3/L 4/T 0/F 0 Piston1937's Avatar
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    I guess

    Plus Steam is a automaton. It ain't hard to build a new one.

    Though I do have to say. you missed out on a great battle scene in the hell stage Azarel
    Last edited by Piston1937; 03-20-2017 at 09:35 PM.
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    Spoiler for RHG:

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  5. #5
    Senior Member Urako's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Piston1937 View Post
    I guess

    Plus Steam is a automaton. It ain't hard to build a new one.
    Yeah the real difficulty is working it into the canon (if you choose to do so) of living beings with no special regenerative powers.
    I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you're not afraid to admit it then paste this into your signature.

    I am a self-proclaimed wRHG fight instigator.

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  6. #6
    W 3/L 4/T 0/F 0 Piston1937's Avatar
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    Now that would be a nightmare. Lucky me. I have like three backup characters to work with until I can work in the Steam being brought back to life. If I lose of course.

    If I win everyone goes home alive.

    Also I don't think He captured Steam's personality correctly. He is upbeat, pervy, and a jokester. Not a dull robot that are mass produced.
    Last edited by Piston1937; 03-20-2017 at 10:06 PM.
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    Spoiler for WRHG:



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    Availability Closed for rebuilding





  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Piston1937 View Post
    Now that would be a nightmare. Lucky me. I have like three backup characters to work with until I can work in the Steam being brought back to life. If I lose of course.

    If I win everyone goes home alive.

    Also I don't think He captured Steam's personality correctly. He is upbeat, pervy, and a jokester. Not a dull robot that are mass produced.
    Oh, I think I forgot about that XD
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  8. #8
    Junior Member
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    Hmm... what does CNC. stand for?

  9. #9
    Senior Member devi's Avatar
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    Cocks and Cookies

    [Comments and Criticism]

  10. #10
    Great battle, Piston! You've improved since last time! Whelp, time for some CNC:

    You should try to space out the paragraphs, don't keep a big chunk of text together as it makes it harder to read. Making new paragraphs for dialogue also helps readers see whose talking. Like for example:

    Spoiler for Example:


    So for this part:
    Spoiler for Using your text:


    I like your descriptions and the battle was easier to follow than last time. Keep going!

    And as for Azarel,

    CNC time!

    First off, the way you wrote Steam's character isn't quite clear. He seems to be cold and 'evil' upon the very first appearance, and suddenly soft hearted to his daughter before turning chill. Parts of the battle like Azarel getting into Steam's ship was unclear, had to read a few times to try to understand. Did Azarel teleport up to his ship? They were fighting and suddenly he gets on the ship. This is quite confusing. Try to elaborate clearly on how Azarel and when he managed to sneak onto Steam's ship without him knowing.

    Long sentences are good things, but not too long. I advise breaking up most of your sentences that have too manna commas into shorter sentences. This'll help readers follow easily instead of being fed so much information at once.

    On a side note, Steam has feelings and a proper consciousness. Robots don't. He's an automaton.

    Other than that, the climatic atmosphere created by the battle is too quickly broken down. A bit more description of time passing as he calms down, thoughts of Steam's defeat perhaps, could help ease the parts smoother. But otherwise, your battle's descriptions of actions was quite good. Keep on going!

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