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Thread: Symphony of Storm and Decay (ON GOING) (Chapter 8)

  1. #1
    New Member Kazumi's Avatar
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    Symphony of Storm and Decay (ON GOING) (Chapter 8)

    My first fantasy novel. Updating more or less weekly. Depending on whether I'm busy or not.

    So here you go

    Prologue
    Chapter 1
    Chapter 2
    Chapter 3
    Chapter 4
    Chapter 5
    Chapter 6
    Chapter 7
    Chapter 8



    I'm a complete noob when it comes to literature so criticizms, be it harsh or not are gladly accepted.
    Last edited by Kazumi; 05-09-2017 at 06:36 AM.

  2. #2
    New Member Kazumi's Avatar
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    Permission to bump... please?
    I already finished an arc so I guess it's already long enough for a criticism or something?

  3. #3
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Interesting concept you have, I'm gonna start chipping away at this!

    Now, until I get caught up, I don't know what you've caught and fixed or what still needs to be addressed, but throughout the prologue you seem to fluctuate between past and present tense.

    No skin nor inner clothing is exposed. He wore a dragonscale cloak on his back and a sheathed gigantic broadsword. His entire presence is totally intimidating. But he bowed down before the lady in front of him.

    When you bounce back and forth it can make things feel choppy and off, its not hard to catch when you're looking for it though.

    No skin nor inner clothing was exposed. He wore a dragonscale cloak on his back and a sheathed gigantic broadsword. His entire presence was totally intimidating. But he bowed down before the lady in front of him.

    Something else that could use a little work is the show over tell.

    He asked, his voice sounded like a metallic beast. As his grizzly natural voice was amplified by his iron warhelm. Even then, he talks in a mannerly way. He speaks with the Queen of the realm after all.

    It's a good start here, it really is, but with the way it's written, it comes off terse with a lot of hard stops. If you drive, think of periods as stop signs and commas as yields. Just takes a while to make progress, even if you do need to be slowing down.

    He asked, his naturally grizzled voice sounded like a metallic beast calling from a cave with his warhelm amplifying it. Despite it's power, he still spoke in a mannerly way. His words were directed at the Queen of the realm, after all.

    Last starting thing is more of a curiosity, but is there a reason you're splitting this up in columns?

    I'll check out the next chapter tomorrow, I look forward to seeing what's next!

  4. #4
    New Member Kazumi's Avatar
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    I'm starting to fix the flaws you pointed out. Thanks. And I'll start a general grammar cleanup when I'm not busy with school anymore.
    Oh, and the reason why I split it in two columns is because I don't want the reader to have a hard time reading horizontal texts. It's the same reason why newspapers are printed that way. (My main reader is my crush and I want her to read this in comfort XD)
    Last edited by Kazumi; 05-11-2017 at 06:04 AM.

  5. #5
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Heh, if you're crushing on your main reader, then yeah, keep it that way!

    Got through chapter three, but finding out Rain was 21 tripped me up pretty substantially. In all honesty, with the way they've been reacting, I've been thinking the school was a high/middle school. Admitantly, reactions differ person to person but...

    “But she’ll die if we don’t feed her a cheeseburger soon! How can you be so mean?!” Ami shouted at him but she was ignored.

    “That’s rude. Where’s my ‘I miss you!’?” she pouted.
    “I didn’t miss you.” I coldly said.
    “Why are you so mean?!” she whimpered. She looked at me with teary eyes while eating fries.


    Most people my ageish (23) aren't that fragile. Kid me would break down if I left my homework at school, but adult me can give up his lost cause of a car with a mental-swear and sigh. Granted, I feel like most of my emotions are pretty grated at this point, but as you grow up, what makes you excited/devastated change. As a kid, conflicts are mostly centralized. What effects you personally, or people specifically close to you. As you grow up, that expands. For example, I was 7 when 9/11 happened. I had no idea what the hell it was, our class got pulled together in a little circle, but I really can't say what else happened, because it didn't personally draw any emotion out of me, because it didn't effect my 2nd grade world. You've got a massive, unknown threat that's close enough that you're seeing your friend in the military, and at this point, if push comes to shove, you personally can't really defend yourself. It outright absolutely destroyed an entire company, but it doesn't seem to impact any party.

    I'd say that's the main thing I'm seeing from 1-3. By all means be silly and have fun, but it might help if some of your adults were adultier. More reserved to personally offenses, but more aware of the repercussions of world/national events.

    Does that make sense I hope?

    Looks nice so far!

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