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Thread: The Elementalist

  1. #11
    Goddess of Fireflies fireflygoddess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GreekGladiator View Post
    So she just goes mayhem? She loses control or gains more power? It may be self-explanatory to others but not me
    -facepalms laughing- by the Light. no basically if you are able to cut off her head or anything below that but above the lower body the lower body will go berserk. it will grow teeth where the lower body meets the upper body, bite off and spit out the upper body. pound its feet creating an earthquake and charge at the opponent relentlessly trying to either, a. trample them, or b. bite them in half. does that help. i mean its not to bright. no pun intended.
    Though it be dark there shall always be a light. You just have to look for it. ^_^

  2. #12
    Just better than you GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by fireflygoddess View Post
    -facepalms laughing- by the Light. no basically if you are able to cut off her head or anything below that but above the lower body the lower body will go berserk. it will grow teeth where the lower body meets the upper body, bite off and spit out the upper body. pound its feet creating an earthquake and charge at the opponent relentlessly trying to either, a. trample them, or b. bite them in half. does that help. i mean its not to bright. no pun intended.
    OK. I will start working on my story in the weekend and most likely end it then.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  3. #13
    Goddess of Fireflies fireflygoddess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GreekGladiator View Post
    OK. I will start working on my story in the weekend and most likely end it then.
    fair enough i will have mine done sometime next week or so. given i have work.
    Though it be dark there shall always be a light. You just have to look for it. ^_^

  4. #14
    Seņor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    Sooo.

    Quote Originally Posted by GreekGladiator
    Do me next Daddy Alphaeus
    Your wish has been granted, for better or worse.

    Soo...In this case I'm not copy-pasting the whole post and going point by point. I can address the issues here because they are simple enough.

    1) Appearance is simple and straightforward enough. Good.

    2) Elemental powers...fine. No biggie. Whatever. The question I'm left with is How? How does he control these. You mention casting like he's an Elemental mage, but later you seem to indicate that it's just his mind like he's some kind of elemental superhero. Anyhow, the second problem here is that you don't give any parameters. "Oh, he controls stuff, but XYZ is a bit more taxing, etc." This means nothing to people who have no point of reference. I get a general sense you are trying to moderate is power a bit from the scaling difficulty, etc. What I find helpful is that if I can't quantify a power will in its description, I give a set of examples to show what I mean. I REALLY think you need to do that here.

    3) Don't redirect me to read something else, you informal flipper. I want to read your weapon and know what your weapon does. End of Story. Tell me what each element does, how it changes, how he does that, etc.

    4) Weaknesses suffer from the same problems as the Strengths – just too unclear. You give me a vague idea, but the cross references are just to other powers. I need concrete stuff here. Again, if you feel you cannot quantify it well because they are somewhat broad, use a set of examples to make the points.

    5) Personality is 2D. You tell me about his combat attitudes, not his personality. PERSON-ality. Tell me who he is as a person. Does he like to drink kombucha? Is he into vore yiffing? Is he a nutcase that believes Giorgio A. Tsoukalos is right about the universe? Does he have an unsettling fear of cucumbers? (Don’t necessarily use these exact questions unless you want to, though…). ALSO...even what you have said is fairly generic. Remember, get personal. Get unique. Tell me what makes Jason be Jason, and not Jonny B. Goode.

    6) DETAILS DETAILS. This is literally the origin story of half of all superheros and superpowered protagonists ever. Tell me what makes this the story of Jason instead of the plot of 50,000 other characters, aside from the word “Greece” thrown in.

    7) Demo 1: WHWYWWWWWWYWYWYWYWHWWYHWHY?!?!? As you can guess, this is one of my favorite questions. It’s OK to leave a tantalizing tidbit vague to give something you can use as a plot point. But for the love of pickles WHY?! Why is any of this happening? If Jason has no clue, then at least give us a good solid bit of confusion. The dude who raised you since 7 and made you a superhero and gave you missions and shit doesn’t just fight you to the death and you be like “Oh, huh. That’s new. Sad to see you leaving so soon! Thanks!”

    8) Demo 2: Is this a snipping from some Batman comic? I mean, really…hordes of clown-masked villains? Does Jason live in Gotham and have a secret conflict with the Joker? No? Then really….Clown-masks are NOT that popular. Really. I mean, you could pull this off in a comedy bit, but there isn’t comedy here, so it just looks like a comic-strip rip-off.

    9) Your writing in general is choppy AF. If you touch the “enter” button again without making a nice healthy paragraph I will surgically implant your fingers in your ears. This is not a courtroom transcript, or an aftergame play-by-play. This is a story. WRITE, dammit. Show, don’t tell is one of the oldest lines in the book for good reason. You are literally just going “And so and so did this, and so and so thought this, and so and so did that, and…etc.” NO. NONONONONONO. Stop it. When you write, picture the scene in your head. DESCRIBE that scene as you would see it if you (or, more accurately, the reader) was using the Point of View you’re writing it from (Point of View just refers to what perspective you’re using when you write the story. Are you looking at it from the main character’s PoV, or an omniscient narrator/third person, or…etc?). If you find this hard/odd, do this: Look up from your computer. Look at whatever room you’re in. Just what you can see. Use your own PoV, and write me a full page that makes me feel I’m literally in this room. Now, in a story you wouldn’t need a full page, but the idea of this exercise is to learn how to describe in full minute detail, because you can then scale that skill back or tune it for use in any scene in your writing.

    10) Finals. I really hate finals. If someone is exhausted from stress that’s built up, fine. If someone is deliberately over-giving of their powers to achieve something, fine. But having a power that is innately just a “final form” deal that you use predictably every time things get bad is a crutch. It’s a crutch because it is so predictable that it ruins the element of surprise and novelty supposed to be found in fictional writing. Jason’s electricity is leaning towards that point right now. I suggest you scale it back to being something usable. If you want powers that stress a character, have all of the powers build that stress/exhaustion to a certain degree (some more than others, fine). That way you can work with a normal, logical point where the char is tired as opposed “I ENTER MY FINAL FORM WITH MY LAST ENERGY TO SMITE THEE MOTHERFUCKERS BEFORE I PASS OUT.” Also, please. Passing out is really overdone. It takes a fucking hell of a lot to make any remotely well-trained/fit person pass out. This doesn’t just happen from exhausting yourself. In fact, humans have this little thing called adrenaline. It kinda totally prevents that from happening if they are in any kind of fight, fear, etc. most of the time.


    Summary:

    This character is usable, and has some potential. Work on details, details, details, stop touching that enter button like it’s some kind of fetish, and you’ll be on your way to some decent growth.
    Last edited by Alphaeus; 10-03-2017 at 09:45 AM.
    My wRHG Char: The Fixer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index


    ~Arch

    ~^^ENTER THE TUNNEL^^~

  5. #15
    Just better than you GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    *Gulp*. OK.

    To be honest I was disappointed wth myslef about the state of the thread. Some of these points I have recongnised myself, but was too busy being a lazy fuck so I couldn't change them.

    Let the counter-argument begin(more like answering):

    1:Nothing more to say

    2:As for the origin of the powers... Well what do you want me to say, like a divine creature granted him the ability to control the elements, or that a group of scientists somehow implemented this ability into him while a baby, and then erased his traumatic memories or something. Heh, the second gave me some ideas but I don't think so. Tha abilities themsleves are supernatural, so it is kinda hard for me(as a person with logical thinking and down-to-earth thought) to accept them already. I agree that I should develp more on HOW he controls them though.

    3:Isn't the Demo's purpose to explain the abilities of a character through the story? It might look lacking(it is actually) but the nature of the ability is hard to explain. The limit is Jason's imagination. It is hard to write down everything he can do if you get my point.

    4:Again the same thing with the Demo. It is almost certain I will write a 3rd one because I see much misunderstanding about Jason's abilities. You might(and should) call me a lazy piece of shit for that. I will see what I can do and probably revamp that segment instead of adding and removing stuff.

    5:*evil laugh*. Well you just gave me an idea. Will work on it at the weekend, when I will do a sort-of update.

    6:The story is exceptionally small and underdeveloped, I give you that. It is partly because when I wrote down the character I had everything figured, but the Story and Demo. I just thought of them and wrote it when on top of my head. Probably will make a new one and completely delete the first Demo.

    7:I myself recognise how bad the Demo is and as I stated above, it will be removed. It was just rushed.

    8:I was thinking of writing some other kind of masks but for some reason ended using clown masks. And it could be a plot-twist if was ACTUALLY in Gotham, right?

    9: Me now me wraiting iz bed.

    10:I personally don't consider lighting as a "final-form" sort of move. Like his other abilities It all comes to Jason's imagination to how he uses it. Would you like to see just him walking up to his opponent and shooting him down with lighting? What kind of two second battle is that? And I just don't feel right with not including lightning in his abilities. I hope I described it well enough in the fighting style segment on how he PREFERS to use it. And if it works why not do it amirite?
    Quote Originally Posted by Alphaeus View Post
    If you want powers that stress a character, have all of the powers build that stress/exhaustion to a certain degree (some more than others, fine). That way you can work with a normal, logical point where the char is tired.
    This was my idea on how Jason's abilities work. I regret if I didn't make that clear.

    Summary:

    Have you even seen my "enter" button? It is hot AF. I can't resist pressing it.
    Oh and that details thingy, depends on how lazy I feel at the moment I write. I hope my upcoming battle won't let you down in that regard.(Remember that like many of the people here, English osn't my native language and my experience with it is very recent and relatively small(relative to people who use English as a lingua-franca for long)).

    HOPE I COVERED YOU AND CONVINCED YOU NOT TO SURGICALLY IMPLANT MY FINGERS INTO MY EARS.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  6. #16
    Seņor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    So, in quick response:

    2) Well, you never told us what they are. So at least mention they are off "mysterious" supernatural origin. That's acceptable enough.

    3) A demo's purpose is not to explain. Demo = Demonstration. Demostration does NOT equal explanation. Explain first in the post...THEN demonstrate.

    10) Well, just make that point clear then, because as it stands now it SEEMS that way. That's all.


    And I might be convinced. Maybe.
    My wRHG Char: The Fixer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index


    ~Arch

    ~^^ENTER THE TUNNEL^^~

  7. #17
    Just better than you GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    What about now Alphaeus? I changed some parts as promised. About the story... Eh. I don't think it is the best I can but this is it for now. Feedback on the changes are welcome.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 10-07-2017 at 11:47 AM. Reason: Forgot question mark
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  8. #18
    Seņor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    Sooo...

    I definitely like the improvements you made. The sword is something I can understand, the power-levels of his abilities more clear, etc.

    That said, the shortcomings:

    1) Clarity on how the powers are used. A little vague for me, merely because I don't typically read demos/stories by people unless I like their char and want to fight them. Still, they are better now!

    2) Proofreading: You have a great grasp of English. Not fantastic, but certainly more than enough to do well in the Lounge. That said, many of the errors I noticed were just from lack of proofreading and typos.

    3) Fuck that sexy "enter" button.
    My wRHG Char: The Fixer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index


    ~Arch

    ~^^ENTER THE TUNNEL^^~

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