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Thread: Bethany Brookes

  1. #11
    Of Regret and Longing. Kamiroo Wolf's Avatar
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    Oh shit, Pitch, welcome back.

    Dermot is a fairly simple character from the looks of it, but the mist might be a fun mechanic to play around with. I don't have many critical comments about the page itself, as Alph has gotten across most of the issues.

    Also, it just so happens we've never fought. You down?

    Availability:
    Ready.

  2. #12
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kamiroo Wolf View Post
    Oh shit, Pitch, welcome back.

    Dermot is a fairly simple character from the looks of it, but the mist might be a fun mechanic to play around with. I don't have many critical comments about the page itself, as Alph has gotten across most of the issues.

    Also, it just so happens we've never fought. You down?
    I plan on expanding his backstory through the battles since the main reason he isn't traveling is to find out what he is.

    I'm down if you're down. I don't have anything else to do.

    WRHG:Beth

    Availability:
    Let's Rumble


    I'm a skeleton IRL.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    greasy oil space niggahs.
    Spoiler for Who Do I Fight For?:

    Spoiler for Gif Of My Mascot:


  3. #13
    I like chocolate :D SJCRPV's Avatar
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    The base idea of this can be used for some interesting suspense story ideas, but the character could use more depth.
    As it stands, there's a fair amount of things where I'm left wondering because there simply isn't enough information to go off of. So let me elaborate.

    First of, in the story itself. You claim that Dermot ran away, but doesn't remember why. Even if you claim it was for a good reason, at least one question arises: If he doesn't remember why he left, why doesn't he go back? Regardless of the reason, at some point one would either question whether that reason really was that good, or try and remember what that reason was. That's the characters mother. Since you make no mention of a strained relationship between the two, I can only imagine they were fine with each other, which makes the notion of Dermot not even having made the attempt to remember why he left strange, to say the least.

    Added to that, you also do not explain how the relationship between Ivan and Dermot works. You explain that for Ivan to decide to take over and transform, there needs to exist a period of intense stress or anger, sure, but you don't explain what the day-to-day is like. Does Ivan have any influence on his actions? Is it purely confined to his mind? Does he interact with Dermot at all? How often do these transformations occur?

    Continuing on, how wide does the mist spread? How thick is it? And how quickly does it spread?
    I'll point out, by the way, that there might be a contradiction between the demo and the abilities section

    Quote Originally Posted by Abilities
    Once Dermot transforms into Ivan, “The Mist” will start to roll in
    Quote Originally Posted by Demo
    So, they stood there staring at him as his body started to be enveloped by a mist that had mysteriously rolled in during the conflict
    You say that the mist will only start to roll in after the transformation but, as you explain it in the demo, it had been happening before the transformation had even occurred yet.

    Next on the list would be Ivan's objectives. Is he an unthinking monster? Does Ivan stop after taking care of whatever was the source of the stress/anger or are bystanders also in danger? Does he transform back into Dermot right after or does it take a while?

    Personal nitpick (so don't take it too seriously):
    How does the body react to the transformation? Normally, a 6ft5 body isn't supposed to stretch to 8 feet, so how does it morph and revert between the forms and stay fine?
    And what about the clothes? Does he have a pair of Hulk-brand boxers? XD


    The point is, you have a skeleton, right now. And as much as it's appropriate for that to be the case in October, you need to infuse it with some muscles, some organs and some skin tissue. Because it won't remain October forever.

  4. #14
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    Significant edits have been made:

    - Demo has been moved to the bottom of the page.

    - Abilities and Story have been edited.

    - Populus changed to Populace.

    - Added a section about Ivan to Personality

    - Took out my sig

    - Removed nighttime ability
    Last edited by PitchEnder; 10-06-2017 at 03:10 PM.

    WRHG:Beth

    Availability:
    Let's Rumble


    I'm a skeleton IRL.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    greasy oil space niggahs.
    Spoiler for Who Do I Fight For?:

    Spoiler for Gif Of My Mascot:


  5. #15
    Sentient Training Dummy buckethead's Avatar
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    yo pitch your character be fun. once i change my gladiator to my monster the bone walker, the one i created for the monster contest, how about a battle? because my creature can create mist as well.
    Do I look like a dummy to you? The answer is yes because I am a training dummy named Fred.

  6. #16
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by buckethead View Post
    yo pitch your character be fun. once i change my gladiator to my monster the bone walker, the one i created for the monster contest, how about a battle? because my creature can create mist as well.
    I'm currently in a battle with someone else but I'll definitely battle you next.

    WRHG:Beth

    Availability:
    Let's Rumble


    I'm a skeleton IRL.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    greasy oil space niggahs.
    Spoiler for Who Do I Fight For?:

    Spoiler for Gif Of My Mascot:


  7. #17
    Sentient Training Dummy buckethead's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PitchEnder View Post
    I'm currently in a battle with someone else but I'll definitely battle you next.
    ok but i am also in a battle with someone else with my current character. once i finish my battle with him i will be ready to battle you.
    Do I look like a dummy to you? The answer is yes because I am a training dummy named Fred.

  8. #18
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    UPDATE:

    This page is being reconstructed to get ready for my second wRHG. Both characters will be in spoiler tags until Friday. On Friday, I will delete Dermot, take Fell out of his spoiler tag, and add whatever point I got from my recent battle. Fell will not be active until I delete Dermot, so I won't be accepting battles for him until then. Lastly, you can look at and critique Fell before Friday if you would like to.

    Edit: I won't be accepting challenges for Dermot either.
    Last edited by PitchEnder; 10-16-2017 at 09:15 AM.

    WRHG:Beth

    Availability:
    Let's Rumble


    I'm a skeleton IRL.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    greasy oil space niggahs.
    Spoiler for Who Do I Fight For?:

    Spoiler for Gif Of My Mascot:


  9. #19
    Sentient Training Dummy buckethead's Avatar
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    hmmmm that new character is interesting to say the least but should he not also be weak to fire do to his being undead? other than that it is good to see a Nordic character for once. i hope that my new gladiator the Skull Walker can challenge your new gladiator to a battle.
    Do I look like a dummy to you? The answer is yes because I am a training dummy named Fred.

  10. #20
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by buckethead View Post
    hmmmm that new character is interesting to say the least but should he not also be weak to fire do to his being undead? other than that it is good to see a Nordic character for once. i hope that my new gladiator the Skull Walker can challenge your new gladiator to a battle.
    Well, his body hasn't changed much since he was alive. So, he's as weak to fire as any normal person would be.

    Edit: He would be weak to fire if I followed the RPG law when it comes to the undead. But, since I don't really like basing my characters off of RPG things, he just has weaknesses that would make sense.
    Last edited by PitchEnder; 10-16-2017 at 07:47 PM.

    WRHG:Beth

    Availability:
    Let's Rumble


    I'm a skeleton IRL.


    Quote Originally Posted by Vern View Post
    greasy oil space niggahs.
    Spoiler for Who Do I Fight For?:

    Spoiler for Gif Of My Mascot:


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