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Thread: Oni

  1. #1
    ლ(ಠᨎಠლ) IgnusBurns's Avatar
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    Oni

    (I know I deleted this thread prematurely before, sorry about that. I needed to make some edits and wanted to start the thread clean for critiques.)
    Oni
    Age: 414 (Born 1603; Early Edo Period)
    Height: 7'6" (229 cm)
    Weight: 378 lbs
    Race: Human; Spirit
    Alignment: Chaotic Good
    Hand: Dominant Lefty; Uses Right

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    Spoiler for Abilities/Weapon:


    Spoiler for Appearance:


    Spoiler for Personality:


    Spoiler for Water and Blood:




    Score: 4/3/3/1
    Last edited by IgnusBurns; 11-05-2017 at 11:01 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Through occult magics, I have managed to bring to life what was once dead. For those who thought they could undo my work by deleting it, YOU UNDERESTIMATE MY POWER

    The undying CnC:
    Quote Originally Posted by Vern
    Weaknesses where?
    Quote Originally Posted by IggyBarns
    Would it be a terrible mistake to say that I couldn't think of more than one weakness than him being a very large man, is not the fastest and thus does not suffer from any real mortal weaknesses? This is my half-hearted attempt of an excuse for not having a weaknesses section because I couldn't think of more than one.
    Yes, it would be a terrible mistake to say that because I'd say you have no imagination, and I'd argue it shows in the rest of your character.

    However, that would be putting it needlessly cruel. I'm just very frustrated you see, because for the life of me I can not think of anything that makes your character interesting, while I very much would like to be.

    While I know that for you it isn't the case, Ignus, it bears repeating: As I told Azarel, if you do not care enough to finish your character before putting it out here, how can you expect your audience to care enough to bother reading it? It doesn't make any sense to me. I don't care if it's hard, put in the effort to finish up your character before you put it out here and make us go through the effort of reading it. It's just lazy and being overeager for a positive response. A positive response you should not expect any of us to give.

    But, as I said, I'll give you a pass. Weaknesses are indeed one of the harder things to work on, especially for characters without much in the ways of supernatural abilities like Oni. Besides, I know you do care enough to put in effort so I'm not going to pretend this is a no effort sleezejob.

    That being said, 'weaknesses' are hardly the biggest concern for this character. As I mentioned earlier, I've a hard time thinking of any way in which Oni could be interesting. And I do mean it.

    As with Pitch's Fell, at first glance there is nothing wrong with this character. Backstory is cookie cutter and nothing interesting, but it's realistic and does the job. Personality is meh, but at least it's consistent. Again, a strong opponent, but not one that couldn't be overcome. Appearance wise he does stand out a bit, but that's meaningless considering the vacancy of character beneath the shell. Especially in a medium like writing. The issue is, we've no reason to really care about this character or anything he does. No reason to be invested in his ploy. All he is good for is fighting, and such a thing does not lend itself to the written word. If you were animating RHG's, you could get away with having two non-characters do nothing but fight as long as the spectacle itself is interesting enough while it lasts. That doesn't really work on paper, though. Watching Oni parry a dude then cleave his head off will leave little impact on me if I do not care about Oni's ploy to begin with. I suggest you read my critique of Pitch's character. A lot of the arguments I made thered apply to this character.

    I'll give you a strong piece of advice, one that A LOT of people here would benefit from listening to: Is this the most interesting period of your character's life? If not, why the fuck are we reading this instead of that? Why read a story about a dude riding on top of a big dog hitting people on the head with a broom, if you tell me the same dude at one point in his life also rode a ginormous mecha-T rex, fighting off the devil on top of Godzilla with a giant laser-chainsaw? I'd much rather be reading that. Same applies to Oni. Why would I want to see him bring justice to some random dude in the wRHG for whatever contrived reason you can come up with, when I could be reading about the story of his life under the shogun. His creeping doubts towards his loyalty. His shock when he sees his shogun execute the prisoner he had worked so hard to deliver him, etcetera. Would it be anything I haven't seen before? Not really, but it'd still be a hundred times more interesting than anything you could produce currently. Oni's story has already ended before it begun. You can't come up with any sort of conflict that would be of a higher magnitude than he already faced during his ploy to overthrow his shogun.

    Even on a purely superficial level, nothing sets Oni apart from any of your previous characters. They're all protagonisty goodie two-shoes, stoic and staunch defenders of the innocent. I had suggested to you to turn Oni into a ruthless executioner, pursuing his own view of justice with extreme impunity. It wouldn't solve the inherrent problems with your character's plot, but it'd at least make him stand out a HELL of a lot more. As I said, right now this just feels like Abbas/Riley with a new paint job.

    I wanted to end my critique there but I realised that leaves you with little to actually work with. Again, I suggest you read my critique on Pitch's Fell, but regardless I'll leave you with the following thoughts: What kind of story would you tell with Oni as he currently is? Would he seek to solve the injustice in the wRHG by force? Or on a smaller scale, would he seek to bring justice to the scoundrels that hide under the wRHG's diplomatic immunity. Those fiends like Abra, who content themselves killing people for no reason other than their own pleasure? Why is this story more interesting than the one you already told in his backstory? In short, what is Oni's goal? What does he seek to accomplish? How would he go about accomplishing it? Why does he insist on accomplishing it in that matter? I wish I could give you more, but as it stands I've nothing to really work off of.

    I'll leave you with one last question, and this one is much more personal: What kind of interaction do you think Oni can offer the Lounge that we have not seen before? What kind of story can be told with him that couldn't be told with any other character? I am seriously asking here, because I can not think of a single one.
    Last edited by Vern; 11-01-2017 at 07:37 PM.

  3. #3
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Correct me if I'm wrong, but his goal is to literally murder the RHG? Is there more to it than that, or are there other things that he pursues?

  4. #4
    ლ(ಠᨎಠლ) IgnusBurns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crank View Post
    Correct me if I'm wrong, but his goal is to literally murder the RHG? Is there more to it than that, or are there other things that he pursues?
    Well of course, he's your stereotypical samurai character right? His overarching goal may be to take down the RHG but his goal immediately after reviving was to take up the job as the people's champion, someone who could fight for the weak and protect those who couldn't protect themselves y'know? If he's not hunting a member of the RHG, he's hunting criminals or protecting civilians.
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  5. #5
    Skull Enforcer Azure's Avatar
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    It's back dude.

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