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Thread: Clout, master of Genzu.

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Kamiroo Wolf View Post
    Ok, I'm gonna give my two cents on this. And I know Najenda probably doesn't like me as thingd stand, but I honestly could not care less.

    I'm not going to beat you up too bad about what everybody else has said, but I do want to make sure you understand the vibe everybody gets from this and basically what they have all been telling you
    No no, it's fine! And, I've changed from last year. I hated you because you CnCed my character or just criticized it in some way, I was a bitch. I understand my faults..
    Just to let you guys know, I've updated everything. Clout's Age, his weaknesses, and abilities. I've updated them based on the criteria and CnC you have presented me with, so thank you for that!
    And Kamiroo, you have nothing to worry about (even though you clearly said you don't give a fuck). I'm cool with you, and hopefully you're cool with me. I've tried to update Clout based on your opinions as much as possible ^-^
    ~Nagenda.

    And yeah, I'm back. I'm not the same person as I was before though, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not going to instantly flame you.
    **NEW wRHG INOMING!!!!**

    UPDATE: The new wRHG is here! Just waiting for a mod to approve the new thread for the wRHG Character Registery, you'll soon find the new character for yourselves :3
    CnC greatly appreciated! Thanks! <3

  2. #12
    Señor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Najenda View Post
    Ok...? I get the whole CnC you're doing but I see that some of this is just your own opinion. If I want a scarf, I'm gonna let him have the damn Scarf. But I will take your advice.
    Quote Originally Posted by Kamiroo Wolf View Post
    Don't dismiss this as mere opinion. All you show us by doing that is that you're not willing to make the big changes that are necessary.
    It also happens to be "opinion" that Michelangelo was a good sculptor. I mean, art is definably a subjective work based around opinions -- opinions of those who are more experienced/opinions of a majority of people tend to be the major factors in deciding the quality of art. Writing = art. I keep trying to convey that the wRHG is not just an "RP" in the true sense -- it is writing, albeit in an unusual medium.

    Naj, I legit glazed over trying to read your (unchanged) backstory. I've tried 4 times to finish this tiny piece and make sense of what it says, but cannot do so without entering my vacant death stare.

    My opinion about scarves being edgy AF? HAHahahhaahaha. No. Ask ANYONE on this site with any reputation/seniority if scarves are edgy. Answer will always be YES. See, I'm not talking about someone that wears a scarf with their jacket because it's actually cold and they legit want to keep their neck warm. I'm talking about people who wear scarves for no reason, especially ones that "randomly disappear."

    CnC is ALWAYS opinion unless I happen to cite the laws of English grammar and literary mechanics. These "opinions" however are based off of the centuries of craftsmanship that have gone into creating what we now call "English literature." If you don't want opinions, then you are going to just doing the same thing as before...just more politely.

    Sure, it's just my opinion. Did you stop to consider that my opinion might be pretty damn good right now?

    You can keep your char as it is, if you are content with that. I had hoped you could do better. I would prefer if you proved me right in hoping this.
    My wRHG Canon: The Remarkable Life of Altaer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index
    Spoiler for More stuff:

  3. #13
    *Bites the Dust FX* PitchEnder's Avatar
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    I'm back to comment on the weaknesses because, sadly, I think this is another swing and a miss.

    Quote Originally Posted by New Weaknesses
    - He isn't invincible and his body isn't durable as to be immune to sharp edges, and although his regeneration may cover this human-like flaw, Clout has very low stamina. This is why he likes to finish off his battles as quick as possible.
    - With his agility, in Gate Breaker form, he can predict and dodge maybe 1 bullet or 2. But something like a rapid firing machine gun/turrent? No. Any weapon or harmful ability outspeeding Clout with rapid like speeds will take a toll on him.
    - Aremediate Gems: Like the Ozaru Crystals (As shown in the Demo), these Gems have different types and forms depending on the beast it contains. Furthermore, all Aremediate Gems originate from Galair, and although this might not be a direct weakness to Clout,
    he has to deal with these enemies daily. He can barely defeat some of them, and it might take even 2 hours to defeat one depending on what type of beast it is. The only reason why the Aremediate Gems are on earth is because Galairians reside on Earth, and some of them are only on Earth because some Orkanaics reside their as well. Ozaru Crystals are just 1 time of Aremediate Gem.
    Weakness 1: Again, the first part of this sentence is a given weakness and it is nullified for the most part by his regeneration ability. The "low stamina" part doesn't really make sense to me either. Isn't he supposed to be a part of a really good warrior race? Wouldn't a warrior need some good stamina in order to be a good warrior? Also, he has enhanced speed so he shouldn't have a problem stopping things quickly.

    Weakness 2: This is actually a strength since not being able to dodge bullets is a given weakness. Here, it says he can actually dodge bullets... but not a lot of them at once... I don't see how this is a weakness... He can still dodge bullets.

    Weakness 3: What even is this weakness? It wouldn't be applicable in a battle at all unless you expect us to either A) have your character fight one before the battle to make him weak or B) Have one randomly appear mid fight. This just seems like more odd story dribble rather than an actual weakness.

    EDIT:

    Quote Originally Posted by Alph
    I'm talking about people who wear scarves for no reason, especially ones that "randomly disappear."
    Wait what?

    Quote Originally Posted by Clout
    his scarf randomly disappears as well.
    WHAT?

    Last edited by PitchEnder; 11-25-2017 at 04:56 PM.

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  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by PitchEnder View Post
    I'm back to comment on the weaknesses because, sadly, I think this is another swing and a miss.



    Weakness 1: Again, the first part of this sentence is a given weakness and it is nullified for the most part by his regeneration ability. The "low stamina" part doesn't really make sense to me either. Isn't he supposed to be a part of a really good warrior race? Wouldn't a warrior need some good stamina in order to be a good warrior?
    Well yeah, you *do* need good Stamina. But he hasn't trained with his race, they had specialized training. That's what Tekashi got and he had finally gotten his Gate Breaker form (especially since he was gifted more than Jesus Christ himself), and even though you could just say "But Najenda, Clout got his at 10" that was a MISTAKE. The way Clout and Tekashi get their Gate Breakers are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Tekashi doesn't have a good stamina reserve because 1. Yes, training on your own can significantly improve your skill, and how energy preservant you are in battle. But even then, Clout just doesn't have enough. There hasn't been 1 single battle where he didn't try to hide from his enemies, like the Aresax's from the Ozaru Crystals (Aremediate Gems). He has to hide in caves in order to keep away until he gets his energy back, this isn't like DBZ where you take damage and then you automatically get healed with a sensu bean. Yes, #3 wasn't really a weakness but I didn't really see how this could fit in any other selection. Btw, #2 I didn't really mean "dodge bullets", that's my fault. I meant he's able to sense what a person is going to do before he does it in a split second so he can at least take cover, he can't really do a matrix flipshit and *avoid* the bullet. So I'll edit that, sorry for my mistake there.

    Quote Originally Posted by Alphaeus View Post

    Naj, I legit glazed over trying to read your (unchanged) backstory.
    Well I'm not really changing the backstory, I'm pretty sure I cut out a few lines? Or was that the other one... Idk. But I don't really want to change that.
    I changed his age, and I changed the whole "Guardian of Earth" praisement. That really wasn't needed regardless (as in having those weren't needed and didn't make sense so I took them out)
    If you're talking about the story of Clout instead of the Orkana race backstory, I *did* change that a tiny bit. I don't think I changed the Orkana one... I gotta check again e.e

    Also, you and Alph pretty much ignored everything else I edited. Just to let you know, I *did* change the Orkana race and Clout's backstory as I've checked again.

    As a final note, Alph said "This is just like what you did before... Just more polite" no, that's only 1 comment I made. I didn't really know how much you guys were familiar with scarves relating to edgyness, I thought it was just a cool thing for him to wear.
    So that's why I edited it as: "IS NOT WORN FOR BATTLE" If any of you actually looked at the edit before you made your comment. I've said at least 5 time, INCLUDING in my signature that the CnC's are appreciated, I just didn't know what Kamiroo meant by the whole scarf thing. Personally, I don't think it's edgy. It's actually an inspiration from Zetabrand.

    Anyways, thanks guys. Edited the character. Hopefully you like it in the longhaul and if there's anymore flaws.... Well, I'm pretty sure you're too tired of this already. Sorry to disappoint you Alph, but I'll be keeping this character. <3
    ~Nagenda.

    And yeah, I'm back. I'm not the same person as I was before though, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not going to instantly flame you.
    **NEW wRHG INOMING!!!!**

    UPDATE: The new wRHG is here! Just waiting for a mod to approve the new thread for the wRHG Character Registery, you'll soon find the new character for yourselves :3
    CnC greatly appreciated! Thanks! <3

  5. #15
    Señor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    I didn't ignore what you edited -- the changes to powers were good, but generally speaking the focus of my CnC is on what the person likely doesn't realize isn't good. That said, your edits in the other areas were so minor as to be of little difference in the scheme of what I said.

    Either way, of note is that this is your char, so do it however you please. I'm frank and bold with CnC, but I say what needs to be said in order to improve. My words are (GOD"S FUCKING PREACHED TRUTH) not binding in any way.

    It is my goal for everyone to be able to produce their best work as soon as possible and improve as quickly as possible. Sometimes things are better learned in stages over time, however, so don't worry too much.

    As to the scarf, like I said -- I have nothing against scarves. I wear them a ton personally when it is the right season. It's just the whole feel of the purple scarf on black suit (or jumpsuit) think that comes across as edgy. But whatever.
    My wRHG Canon: The Remarkable Life of Altaer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index
    Spoiler for More stuff:

  6. #16
    That Guy Who Never Posts Shock.WAV's Avatar
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    I have to say, I don't like how Alph and Pitch go about their reviews - It's really hard to take a critique seriously when most of it is profanity and sarcastic put-downs. ('Take your scarf and shove it up a goat's arse' gets a special mention for being so uncalled for it was actually funny.)

    So I think I'm going to give one.

    (I took too long to write this and you've updated a few times since. Keep this in mind if I talk about something that's already been altered - some feedback might be obsolete, some could still be applicable.)

    Name(s) & Personal Information - Usually on profiles, there's nothing to comment on. However, I do think the likes and dislikes are a nice little personal touch. You just don't see it anymore, it's a quick little look into what kind of person they are before you get to the Personality section. Age is a slight concern for reasons we shall come back to later on, but if you insist on keeping it as such, I've no issue with that.
    Only thing I would ask here is, could we have a little more information about Galairia? This is a brand new world we're learning about, but it's only mentioned in passing both here and in the Story, as if we should already know about it. Perhaps the Orkana section could include everything we need to know about Galair and Muves, and the two inhabitant races?

    Appearance - A nice and straightforward description of a person who dresses comparatively plainly and minimalist - this goes well with his speed and invisibility to give Clout a nice ninja-like vibe. And also I like the scarf. If someone's going into a fight wearing an item of clothing they know could be used against them, then more power to them.

    The Orkana - I always like reading about new fictional species, even when all that's said is rumors and legends. Very nice touch on the name, too - I'm under the impression it's an amalgam of 'Ork' and 'arcane', brilliantly fitting for a warrior race known by so few in-story. Clever!

    Story - Here's where things start slowing down, but can be easily fixed. Lots of terms and titles are thrown around, and the story just sort of happens, but nothing's really explained. Is Galairia a place on the planet, or the star around which the planet orbits? Who were the Yellow Eyes? How did Tekashi Nine reincarnate into Clout, and why did it take so long? You know everything about your story, the worlds you've created and how they work - it's just a matter of communicating to the reader what they need to know. Even if you want to keep the reader in the dark about things until you surprise them one reveal at a time, you still need to give them enough to start with to keep them interested in your story, or you risk losing them.
    You say that Clout lived for ten years before being frozen 'on an unknown planet close to Earth' - this leads me to believe he's been travelling through space and between planets since his reincarnation, which further leads me to believe he was never a child, but reincarnated as a full-grown man. This is fine, I can believe that if it's true, but if it isn't, then how does a child of any species travel through space? There's only one rule to things like reincarnation in fiction - the reader needs to know how it works, even if it's just the basics.

    Personality - Intelligence isn't really a personality trait, but it does relate to what is, vis a vis his calculative approach to things. The second part seems a little confusing, and takes a few reads to understand what's being explained - The way I'm reading it is, Clout is well-spoken and socially competent, but prefers to keep to himself rather than mix with a group. Is that correct? Perhaps this needs rewording a little, in the interest of clarity.

    Abilities -
    'Gate Breaker' - Boosts Clout's abilities to four times their usual strength. Straightforward, no nonsense boost. Brilliant. But there's all this we have to read through first; It changes Clout's eye colour and damages his clothing, and he's used it twice before. It's a state of which can be entered at will, but also activates when he's in danger. It was passed down to him from his past life as Tekashi, of whom took fifty-five years learning and mastering it. There's all this before you finally tell us what it actually does, and that's a bad arrangement of priorities.
    On a side note, everything from Clout's experience with it to Tekashi's 'unlocking' of the state - you clearly want us to know this much, but shouldn't it have been in the Story section rather than here?
    Invisibility - Plain and simple, nothing to really fault. Good work. Just some questions to the mechanics of it - how long can Clout keep it up? Is it total invisibility, or is there a giveaway were someone to look hard enough, like a faint outline?
    Genzu - Seems to work in a similar fashion to chi or aura. My only complaint here would be, don't compare your work to something else - that's just lazy. People will make the comparison regardless, but if even you're saying 'it's just a Kamehameha', of course people are going to claim unoriginality, because you did it first.
    Eyes - Interesting trivia, but not really an ability. I would suggest moving this to his Appearance.
    Speed - I see that after Pitch's feedback you're considering lowering his speed to something more fair, but still want him to be 'really fast'. If Gate Breaker boosts his power fourfold, you still need to take into account that limit atop his usual. Speaking in averages here, 200mph (322kmh) is more than enough to qualify for 'really fast', making 50mph (80kmh) the unpowered usual, and still enough to vastly outspeed and outmanoeuvre his opponent.
    Regeneration - Again, the strength of it seems a little extreme when we factor in the Gate Breaker boost, but rather than toning it down, I have an alternate suggestion, a sort of halfway meet. As you mention that this power is 'sped up' by his Genzu, perhaps it could be fully tied in with it instead, so that the power slows down as he uses more of its fuel up? It makes for excellent balance, and it allows Clout's intellect to be really put to the test, which would make for some brilliant moments in your writing.

    Weaknesses - In the interest of balance, it's a good idea to list around as many weaknesses as abilities, give or take. Clout has five abilities (not including eyes), but only two weaknesses - and these two would usually be implied, so really, you've not given us anything we couldn't assume. He's weak against sharp weapons - so is everyone else. He can only take so much of a beating before he's in trouble - so can everyone else. This would be the best place to tell us the limitations of Clout's powers - like how he hasn't mastered Gate Breaker.
    A slight critisism though; I do take issue with the fact that you basically outright say that his first weakness is nullified. To summarise, he can be stabbed and wounded, but he heals super fast and moves too quick for anything to hit him anyway, so it doesn't matter. Please take a moment to consider why that might not be fair.

    Demo #1 - Looks like you listed your weaknesses again by mistake. Always proofread your work.
    EDIT: Nevermind. Still always proofread your work, though.

    Demo #2 - I have to be blunt here; for what there is, the story seems quite short. Clout uses one of each of his abilities for but a moment and dispatches of the Aresax with no real effort or conflict. It all just sort of happens, and again, nothing that does happen is explained. Very rarely in a written story can there be such a thing as too much information.

    I'm terrible at getting my point across, so If I may, allow me to give an example using one of the paragraphs from your demo.

    "The Aresax screaming, Clout clearly classified what type of Aresax this particular one was with the Aresax’s voice. “So it’s an adult… This will take a while” he thought to himself. Running towards the Aresax, Clout jumped on top of it’s massive, dark red thigh’s and proceeded to plunge himself further into the beast. The Aresax started to forge it’s own weapons out of it’s skin and that’s when Clout knew he needed to pick up speed to end this in one blow."
    The Aresax screeched, the sound alone rumbling the ground beneath Clout's feet. Only a full-grown had that kind of volume, that kind of power in their cries. This wasn't going to be easy, Clout thought. Still, he couldn't let this beast run wild - who knew who could get hurt, how many lives were at risk? He sprang into action, a plan quickly concocted to best the foe. With as fast a run-up he could muster in such a short space, he leapt into the air, colliding with the beast's left thigh, and waited for his chance. The Aresax had this trick, they could forge weaponry out of their own flesh. As soon as they pulled the skin from their bodies, it would set to be tougher than steel. That wound it left behind would be an excellent point to strike, but it healed remarkably fast. So when the moment came, Clout would have to strike fast, and strike hard. This monster needed to be stopped.
    Just as planned, the beast reached for his prey, the claws digging through carmine flesh. Quickly, nimbly, Clout made his move. As the epidermis before him peeled away, he jumped upward, gripping the exposed tissue and tearing the wound deeper. The Aresax roared once more as the bothersome Orkan forced his way down to the muscle.


    Look at how with just a little spice here and there, I've more than doubled the size of the excerpt without slowing it down all that much (hopefully). The Aresax's weapon ability is still only mentioned, but it's done so to explain Clout's plan, and how he aims to exploit a strength. His train of thought is extended to allow for exposition, but it's presented in a different manner to his speech, becoming part of the written narration - this prevents confusion, and it allows for exposition to come across as less awkward and clunky.

    Summary - We're off to a good start, and with each edit we get just that little bit better, I'm sure. Just one last thing I would say to watch out for; it's quite obvious where your inspirations from, to the point where it becomes concerning. It's alright to pay homage to the odd thing you like about your favourite programmes, but subtlety is key. Keep tweaking things here and there to further differentiate Clout's world from the Dragonball one. Otherwise, keep up the good work, and good to see you back!

  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Shock.WAV View Post
    Summary - We're off to a good start, and with each edit we get just that little bit better, I'm sure. Just one last thing I would say to watch out for; it's quite obvious where your inspirations from, to the point where it becomes concerning. It's alright to pay homage to the odd thing you like about your favourite programmes, but subtlety is key. Keep tweaking things here and there to further differentiate Clout's world from the Dragonball one. Otherwise, keep up the good work, and good to see you back!
    Since quoting all of this would be too massive, I'm just gonna leave it off with the summary. I've read everything, thank you. I don't really know what else to say that I haven't said to all of the others who cnc'ed me. You've put the most effort into yours, and it's crazy that you actually rewrote one of my paragraphs. I emplore you.
    ~Nagenda.

    And yeah, I'm back. I'm not the same person as I was before though, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not going to instantly flame you.
    **NEW wRHG INOMING!!!!**

    UPDATE: The new wRHG is here! Just waiting for a mod to approve the new thread for the wRHG Character Registery, you'll soon find the new character for yourselves :3
    CnC greatly appreciated! Thanks! <3

  8. #18
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    If no one's asked yet, how powerful are the Genzu blasts. Been a bit since I watched Dragon Ball Z, and the abilities I'm reading span from could be fair to DEAR GOD, depending on definition. If a blast can stagger me, I can run with that, but if I'll turn to ash, I'm not so sure. Similarly, if it's quick as a bullet, back to dicey, but if I'm looking at a baseball, it's avoidable. Does it require a charge?

    Personally, I like looking at character's strength in terms of other characters. If neither character held back, could you write a compelling story against a guy who can walk on walls and throw stones with string?

    That's about the weakest you'll run into.

    Shock's is a bit stronger. How about a machete, throwing knives, tactics and regeneration?

    Check out a few other characters and see what you need those answers to be

    Invisibility is another one you'll want to put under the microscope with 20 questions

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Crank View Post
    If no one's asked yet, how powerful are the Genzu blasts. Been a bit since I watched Dragon Ball Z, and the abilities I'm reading span from could be fair to DEAR GOD, depending on definition. If a blast can stagger me, I can run with that, but if I'll turn to ash, I'm not so sure. Similarly, if it's quick as a bullet, back to dicey, but if I'm looking at a baseball, it's avoidable. Does it require a charge?

    Personally, I like looking at character's strength in terms of other characters. If neither character held back, could you write a compelling story against a guy who can walk on walls and throw stones with string?

    That's about the weakest you'll run into.

    Shock's is a bit stronger. How about a machete, throwing knives, tactics and regeneration?

    Check out a few other characters and see what you need those answers to be

    Invisibility is another one you'll want to put under the microscope with 20 questions
    Uhh ok ._. Gotchu. I'll be trying and updating less frequently now, I just had a lot of time on my hands the past few days.
    ~Nagenda.

    And yeah, I'm back. I'm not the same person as I was before though, so don't be afraid to talk to me. I'm not going to instantly flame you.
    **NEW wRHG INOMING!!!!**

    UPDATE: The new wRHG is here! Just waiting for a mod to approve the new thread for the wRHG Character Registery, you'll soon find the new character for yourselves :3
    CnC greatly appreciated! Thanks! <3

  10. #20
    Abnormal Azarel CS.777's Avatar
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    And one more thing, is his name just Clout? Or is his middle and last name unknown?
    .

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