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Thread: First official writing piece

  1. #1
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    First official writing piece

    2034

    So..... I had a "spark" of inspiration and a lot of spare time. I was motivated by the creation of this sub-forum and decided to go ahead with this. I was inspired by some sources and then ruined it with my imagination. This isn't the whole thing yet. I decided to write it part by part(chapter by chapter if you like). I would really like feedback on this(unlike the other piece I wrote) and want to make this something special.

    Spoiler for Author's Note*:


    Without further ado:

    Prologue

    Chapter I: Recollections

    Chapter II: The search for knowledge

    Spoiler for Update Log:



    ***Supposes you have read it*** Again feedback is helpful as I would like to improve my writing and expression in general. Specifically I would like to know how to improve my describing skills. I know I really lack on that sector so yeah.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; Yesterday at 05:45 AM.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  2. #2
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Alright, here goes:

    So, first off, let's talk about defaults. Everyone is grounded in their own reality with their own experiences that shape their world and their initial views. The more open and vague you are, the more these are going to be plugged in, so the more anything contrary is going to clash, assuming their default does show up at all. Say for instance, you have a character who's a knight. Until I hear otherwise, I'm picturing full body armor, helmet and all, so if a dagger punctures his heart I will become very confused, very fast and all the flow will come to a sudden stop, like a wave crashing against a dam. For me, personally, robots have enough variety for me to just draw a blank. By their inclusion, I know you're going syfy, but I don't know how much. What's the tech here? Star Wars droids, or human like androids? Wally types? Or iRobot? Is there variety, or are they all the same? The further you are from modern times the more details we need.

    Next up, we have repetition:

    He woke up, with his head feeling immensely heavy. He tried to stand up but failed with the first try. He laid down, his body aching in every move. He tried to remember how he got there. He quickly realised that he couldn’t recall anything that had happened to him the last days. Or the last weeks. Or the last years. He had lost all of his memories and was now in an empty junkyard. He wasn’t even able to recall his own name.

    Alright, let's go medieval again. Every sentence is a swing of a sword, you gotta keep it fresh otherwise it'll get predictable. Start the same way too many times or use the same word too many times and your story will start to get dull, like you're beating your blade against a shield. Mix it up a bit!

    He woke up, with his head feeling immensely heavy and legs feeling weak. Sliding to his knees, his limbs quivered as he tried to stand up, but failed with the first try. Too weak to try again, he laid down, his body aching with every move. He tried to remember how he got there, but quickly realised that he couldn’t recall anything that had happened to him the last days. Or the last weeks. Or the last years. He had lost all of his memories and was now in an empty junkyard. He wasn’t even able to recall his own name.

    This actually leads right into a 'Shit!' moment. Not like, this is bad an you should be ashamed, but like, if this is me, I'm thinking strictly four letter words at this point. Not sure if I've given you my feelings spiel, but if I have, don't feel bad if it hasn't taken yet, it's a thing everyone has to consistently work on. What's going through this guy's head when he realizes his past is a blank? When it's unspecified, it comes across as nonchalant, but not knowing who you are feels like a preeeetty big deal. How's he taking this? With feelings, at this point it's going to be important what type of tone you're taking with your story.

    He woke up, with his head feeling immensely heavy and legs feeling weak. Sliding to his knees, his limbs quivered as he tried to stand up, but failed with the first try. Too weak to try again, he laid down, his body aching with every move. He tried to remember how he got there, but quickly realised that he couldn’t recall anything that had happened to him the last days. Or the last weeks. Or... the last years. He felt like a turtle on his back, helpless as agony consumed his body and fears clouded his mind. Everything he'd known was lost. Was anyone coming to get him? Had he done something to deserve his fate? Was there anyone waiting for him... or was he alone? He wasn’t even able to recall his own name.

    He woke up, with his head feeling immensely heavy and legs feeling weak. Sliding to his knees, his limbs quivered as he tried to stand up, but failed with the first try. Too weak to try again, he laid down, his body aching with every move. He tried to remember how he got there, but quickly realised that he couldn’t recall anything that had happened to him the last days, which, all things considered was probably saving him from a few reoccurring nightmares. He couldn't imagine being left for dead in a junkyard was exactly a whimsical tale, but the missing EVERYTHING ELSE was, in fact, cause for concern.

    All depends on how you want to play this, but yeah, mixing things up and details could use the most work. Looking forward to seeing his more fleshed out!

  3. #3
    Keikaku means plan Devour's Avatar
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    I'll give my notes as I'm reading this through:

    -In the first two paragraphs, I'm noticing that every sentence is roughly the same length and said in the same way. It makes reading become bland very quickly. Try and read them out loud and you'll feel it too in your voice. I actually cover this topic here

    -"He woke up, with his head feeling immensely heavy." Commas are tricky to use right. When writing, you don't need a comma when you have something like "with" or "while" or "and," etc. If you do want one, "He woke up, his head feeling immensely heavy." works better.

    -If the MC just woke up to begin experiencing this, what was that about the dust settling? Did something stir it up? The MC wouldn't have known it was ever not settled anyways. I guess the point here is about focusing on stuff relevant to what's happening in the story and use these details to add to it. Maybe you could include a part that the MC is caked with dust which had settled on him while he lied unconscious.

    -The third paragraph has the same problem of sounding monotone and lacking emotion. This is a bit worse since the character just realized he had no memories. And contrary to the previous part, you could really use more commas to join some of these sentences together instead of using periods, making it feel more alive. I'll show you what it looks like and add my own things:
    Through bleary eyes, he tried to look at his surroundings. But nothing of importance was to be found; only broken machines and worn out equipment of all sorts. He was on top of one of the many piles of trash in the area, covered in dust which caked his torn shirt and as his oil-covered shorts. This time he succeeded, temporarily, before he lost his balance and fell on his face.
    I'll list what I did here. In the 1st sentence, I made it clear that Mr. Dude was recovering from being unconscious. I used a ";" to join the following sentences together to avoid the unnatural pause. I changed the description of clothing to make the settling of dust relevant, took out the "green" part which didn't matter at the moment (but could be brought up later). And I wrapped it up a little more concisely. With the last sentence, I wrapped the temporarily with commas on both sides to kind of give that impression that he was teetering on his feet while they read "temporarily," and then it ended as normal.

    It's really a lot of small things. And it's things that you learn to do over time. I could rewrite most paragraphs to "fix" things and add my own style, but in the end your style and such makes you and your writing unique. All that matters is striving to make improvements to your storytelling skillz.

    -"He didn’t actually know this but this way seemed more lit up, which indicated importance"
    Rather than doing this, I would write a cinematic description of the area that made the readers think it was important, rather than being told that it's important. Contrast it to the way that everything else is dark and forgotten.

    -"They were two meters tall and had really long arms and legs while their torsos were really small. Their heads were flat with one eye that could go around 360 degrees. They didn’t seem to notice him and continued their routine."
    1. Avoid using "really X" when describing things. Instead of really long, use "enormous" or "gigantic" or "arms which stretched out." Instead of really small, use "tiny" or "minuscule" or "in proportion to their arms" maybe. It's more interesting.
    2. A small thing into showing, not telling, and focusing on relevant stuff. The MC doesn't know these bot's eyes can go 360 degrees without seeing it done so I wouldn't bother including that description, at least presented so casually. Perhaps a description like "with an eye which swiveled in all directions" would work better since it's creepy and more concise.

    Everything I've said is a relatively large piece of information to add to your writing arsenal, so I'll stop here for now. And I'll comment on more updates to this.
    You have a good setting With a lack of emotion in the writing it's hard to get into, but the foundation is there and it's interesting. Can't wait to read more.

  4. #4
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    First of all, thanks for the feedback. I will of course edit the prologue and will shortly publish the first chapter. I will create a spoiler on the original post with updates. Each time I change something I will say it there. Also there will be a part where I tell something about the latest chapter I post.

    Also Devour.

    This fucking thing! The semicolon;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. In greek there is this punctuation but it used as a question mark . Can you explain me how to use it master? I have seen it before but I am unaware to its usage.

    EDIT: I said that the dust was settling because all the activities were ending in the junkyard so the dust finally sat down as there was no motion to stir it up.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 11-29-2017 at 03:17 AM.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  5. #5
    Keikaku means plan Devour's Avatar
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    Haha the ; is tricky. It's really contextual for when it's good to use.
    Basically, it has a similar use to the ":" symbol, which is used in a sentence before describing something. Just to give an example: (<--- Also using it here)

    "A list of things: Boots, socks, fish and a big rubber duck."
    A semicolon is the same thing, except used a bit differently. It can also be used to join two ideas together. Google explains it pretty well.

    "When a semicolon is used to join two or more ideas (parts) in a sentence, those ideas are then given equal position or rank.
    "Some people write with a word processor; others write with a pen or pencil." Use a semicolon between two independent clauses that are connected by conjunctive adverbs or transitional phrases.|

    Good luck with your writing
    Last edited by Devour; 11-29-2017 at 03:27 AM.

  6. #6
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Thanks a lot. Of course google would have an explanation I can see myself using it in the future.

    I just revised the prologue and will later today write the first chapter. I happened to have a lot of free time today so I said why not. The usual publishing will be longer than this(maybe once or twice a week so don't excited).

    EDIT: Stupid me didn't put the title of this thing.... Ok so now go up and read it I bet you will figure it out.

    Spoiler for EDIT:
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 11-29-2017 at 02:14 PM.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  7. #7
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Sorry for double post but I need a way to make this thread look updated for the new chapters I add, whenever that is. If you know any other way to this inform me

    I am currently under the impression that edits in the orignial post won't work. If that's wrong then also tell me

    EDIT: I added chapter II now. Also I want to announce that every time I update the Author's Note I will add a * next to it for two days. This way you don't have to open it evry time you visit this thread in order to see if something new happened. The same for the Update Log.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; Yesterday at 05:45 AM.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

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