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View Poll Results: so who do you think won this battle?

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  • Fireflygoddess

    2 28.57%
  • GreekGladiator

    5 71.43%
Results 1 to 6 of 6

Thread: Fireflygoddess(Serena) vs. GreekGladiator(Jason the elementalist)

  1. #1
    Goddess of Fireflies fireflygoddess's Avatar
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    Fireflygoddess(Serena) vs. GreekGladiator(Jason the elementalist)

    Ok this is the battle that I have done with GreekGladiator. It took me longer than I expected to finish due to a few things that have happened in my life over the last couple of months but here it is and i hope you enjoy. and please vote fairly. ^_^

    my part
    Spoiler for The Goddess and the Elementalist:


    Greek's part
    Spoiler for A Walk in the Forest:
    Last edited by fireflygoddess; 12-14-2017 at 05:24 PM.
    Though it be dark there shall always be a light. You just have to look for it. ^_^

  2. #2
    Señor MemeBar Alphaeus's Avatar
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    I may or may not give a full CnC of these, primarily because I hate it when a battle is posted and gets no CnC. This is kinda the point of the wRHG battles -- give CnC so that people can see what they did wrong and improve. Just saying. Only reason I might not is because I'm going into a phase where spare time will be rare for me.


    That said, the primary problems:

    Firefly,
    Your story shows little variety in sentence usage. Most of your paragraphs use the same basic structure over and over, which removes any chance of rhythm or flow (some people have/can do this as a highly stylized method that does work. Yours is not on that exotic level of mastery.) Try flipping around the various clauses in a sentence. I believe we have a lesson on this in the new Academy, actually.

    There are, additionally, some grammatical errors throughout. Most of them suggest typos and lack of proofreading rather than a lack of understanding, so that's easy to fix with more review.

    Now, the big problem is that this story either takes itself too seriously, or doesn't take reality seriously at all. In short, you first stretched a bit too far at times for pathos that just .... didn't work. I cant say why, per se, because there are several possible reasons. The one I am inclined to believe is that you haven't been in a deeply threatening combat situation, nor have you -- in lieu of this -- studied quality depictions of them in literature/cinema/theatre. It feels like the battles are supposed to be dangerous and menacing because you tell us this....but come across just really, really bland. On the other hand, most of the time I can't take these characters to be anything more than inanimate doodles and word constructs. In your story, something literally awful/frightening/terrible happens. The characters barely react, if at all. They don't have any emotion besides {Jason: Huh, weird; Imma get this; just stop, k?} and {Serena: I am mighty guardian petty being; Oh what have you done?!}. There are no feasible dynamics here, nothing that makes us give a damn if either of these people live or die.

    Lastly, you toss in details randomly, losing any voice you might have had by throwing us facts like a Snapple lid. **Story begins** Btw, Jason has these powers **Story continues**

    That just doesn't work.

    **On the upside....you allowed me to visualize what was happening, albeit in a manner that was dull, but I could still grasp spacial relations, location, etc. Good job.

    Greek,

    Your battle has one major problem -- it reads like a small-budget horror movie. The comedy lines do make me chuckle, and the portrayal of the characters is laughable. I mean, I managed to read it and enjoy it in an odd way, but like it's analogous movie I wouldn't read it again.

    Now, I'm not certain if that was the tone you were going for or not. Either way, you can turn a fight into comedy in some better way. The supposed suspense wasn't really suspenseful because it was far too predictable and stereotyped. Like I said to Firefly, your characters for most of the story have limited emotional capacity or representation. Serena is reduced to a one-dimensional throw-away guardian monster. Jason is the very average relic-hunter that is cool and barely survives.

    The battle suffers from the same problem as Firefly's, and is something I'll probably write about in the Academy. Battles are, at their core, "he did this, then she did that, then he did this, etc." Fine. But writing them like that is fit for a military report, nothing more. As a writer you have to make me actually be WITH the characters as this happens. What they think/feel/see/experience subjectively.

    Now, your ending did make me laugh again. Overall, I get the feel that your piece is much like the style popular with many modern movies that cover conflict -- serious, but only with a wink because they don't take themselves too seriously. In the ending you managed to pull off that tone in a manner that, at least in my opinion, worked.
    My wRHG Canon: The Remarkable Life of Altaer
    "oh fuck yeah, taco, you've been naughty" ~ Vorpal
    "" ~ Index
    Spoiler for More stuff:

  3. #3
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    I have to agree with you Alphaeus, I would rewrite this story if possible as I see the errors you pointed out. For the last part you have to thank Crank, as with his advice I added a better ending to the story.

    When you say about the tone I was going for... Well if you mean for a more comedical tone, then yes I was kinda going for it. I didn't write this story in one go so this may justify difference in tone and overall style of things. I really want to improve on my description of the environment as I see I am lacking in this sector. So I am looking forward for the Academy

    Seriously I didn't expect to do this good, as I consider I could have written a better story.
    My wRHG: The Elementalist
    Have fun everybody!
    Spoiler for Truth:

  4. #4
    Goddess of Fireflies fireflygoddess's Avatar
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    thanks for pointing out my errors alphaeus. the last story i wrote was my first and that i could actually make you visualize what was going on was what i was going for. so now i know i am on the right track. to be honest i kinda did write the story in a couple of days albeit a couple of really stretched out days.
    Though it be dark there shall always be a light. You just have to look for it. ^_^

  5. #5
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Greek's already showed me his story a few times and I touched on overall themes, so:
    Spoiler for Fireflygoddess:


    Good to see your goddess in action! Lookin' forward to the next one!
    Last edited by Crank; 12-20-2017 at 12:09 AM.

  6. #6
    Goddess of Fireflies fireflygoddess's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Crank View Post
    Greek's already showed me his story a few times and I touched on overall themes, so:
    Spoiler for Fireflygoddess:


    Good to see your goddess in action! Lookin' forward to the next one!
    crank thank you for the feed back this will help me come a long way from where i am. but as i stated before i kind of did write the story in only a couple days so this was not my best work but thats what i get for hurrying.
    Though it be dark there shall always be a light. You just have to look for it. ^_^

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