Fireflygoddess(Serena) vs. GreekGladiator(Jason the elementalist)

[fireflygoddess]

Ok this is the battle that I have done with GreekGladiator. It took me longer than I expected to finish due to a few things that have happened in my life over the last couple of months but here it is and i hope you enjoy. and please vote fairly. ^_^

my part

Spoiler for The Goddess and the Elementalist:

Show

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

Greek's part

Spoiler for A Walk in the Forest:

Show

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing

[Alphaeus]

I may or may not give a full CnC of these, primarily because I hate it when a battle is posted and gets no CnC. This is kinda the point of the wRHG battles -- give CnC so that people can see what they did wrong and improve. Just saying. Only reason I might not is because I'm going into a phase where spare time will be rare for me.


That said, the primary problems:

Firefly,
Your story shows little variety in sentence usage. Most of your paragraphs use the same basic structure over and over, which removes any chance of rhythm or flow (some people have/can do this as a highly stylized method that does work. Yours is not on that exotic level of mastery.) Try flipping around the various clauses in a sentence. I believe we have a lesson on this in the new Academy, actually.

There are, additionally, some grammatical errors throughout. Most of them suggest typos and lack of proofreading rather than a lack of understanding, so that's easy to fix with more review.

Now, the big problem is that this story either takes itself too seriously, or doesn't take reality seriously at all. In short, you first stretched a bit too far at times for pathos that just .... didn't work. I cant say why, per se, because there are several possible reasons. The one I am inclined to believe is that you haven't been in a deeply threatening combat situation, nor have you -- in lieu of this -- studied quality depictions of them in literature/cinema/theatre. It feels like the battles are supposed to be dangerous and menacing because you tell us this....but come across just really, really bland. On the other hand, most of the time I can't take these characters to be anything more than inanimate doodles and word constructs. In your story, something literally awful/frightening/terrible happens. The characters barely react, if at all. They don't have any emotion besides {Jason: Huh, weird; Imma get this; just stop, k?} and {Serena: I am mighty guardian petty being; Oh what have you done?!}. There are no feasible dynamics here, nothing that makes us give a damn if either of these people live or die.

Lastly, you toss in details randomly, losing any voice you might have had by throwing us facts like a Snapple lid. **Story begins** Btw, Jason has these powers **Story continues**

That just doesn't work.

**On the upside....you allowed me to visualize what was happening, albeit in a manner that was dull, but I could still grasp spacial relations, location, etc. Good job.

Greek,

Your battle has one major problem -- it reads like a small-budget horror movie. The comedy lines do make me chuckle, and the portrayal of the characters is laughable. I mean, I managed to read it and enjoy it in an odd way, but like it's analogous movie I wouldn't read it again.

Now, I'm not certain if that was the tone you were going for or not. Either way, you can turn a fight into comedy in some better way. The supposed suspense wasn't really suspenseful because it was far too predictable and stereotyped. Like I said to Firefly, your characters for most of the story have limited emotional capacity or representation. Serena is reduced to a one-dimensional throw-away guardian monster. Jason is the very average relic-hunter that is cool and barely survives.

The battle suffers from the same problem as Firefly's, and is something I'll probably write about in the Academy. Battles are, at their core, "he did this, then she did that, then he did this, etc." Fine. But writing them like that is fit for a military report, nothing more. As a writer you have to make me actually be WITH the characters as this happens. What they think/feel/see/experience subjectively.

Now, your ending did make me laugh again. Overall, I get the feel that your piece is much like the style popular with many modern movies that cover conflict -- serious, but only with a wink because they don't take themselves too seriously. In the ending you managed to pull off that tone in a manner that, at least in my opinion, worked.

[GreekGladiator]

I have to agree with you Alphaeus, I would rewrite this story if possible as I see the errors you pointed out. For the last part you have to thank Crank, as with his advice I added a better ending to the story.

When you say about the tone I was going for... Well if you mean for a more comedical tone, then yes I was kinda going for it. I didn't write this story in one go so this may justify difference in tone and overall style of things. I really want to improve on my description of the environment as I see I am lacking in this sector. So I am looking forward for the Academy

Seriously I didn't expect to do this good, as I consider I could have written a better story.

[fireflygoddess]

thanks for pointing out my errors alphaeus. the last story i wrote was my first and that i could actually make you visualize what was going on was what i was going for. so now i know i am on the right track. to be honest i kinda did write the story in a couple of days albeit a couple of really stretched out days.

[Crank]

Greek's already showed me his story a few times and I touched on overall themes, so:

Spoiler for Fireflygoddess:

Show

Spoiler for Setting (setting):

Show

First and foremost, I know I'm no Mr. Setting, but anything you have pinned down in your mind, ya gotta understand the rest of us are starting with a blank slate.

The time was night. The location the Forest of Light.

At this point, I'm just picturing trees in the darkness. What's so special about this place, is it set apart from anywhere else? Similarly, is this a dangerous place, or somewhere of tranquility? Like with drawing, the same type of thing can be a thing of beauty or horror depending on the lens you look through.





What's Jason looking at?

Technically speaking, it was the morning, but night felt especially dark as a lone warrior walked through the woods. His feet crunched against the dead leaves and decaying branches snapped under his weight, and he could feel eyes on him with each step. As hard as his scanned though, they never saw his watcher, lost in the shadows as his silhouette was illuminated by hundreds of fireflies, flapping their wings around him like lost souls trying to siphon his life. He could feel his chest knot the deeper he got, quickly losing the guidance from the stars above as the trees grew thicker. "Forest of Light" his ass. It's heart was as black as any other.

Surreal. It wasn't a word that crossed Jason's mind often, but no other word felt more true, and each step he took deeper in the Forest of Light, the stronger he felt about it. Magic was in the air, it was like branches had avoided the moon and stars above, letting as might light pour though as possible while countless fireflies kept the shadows before him at bay. You'd never know it was past midnight without a watch, life was brimming at every corner. He could hear birds chirping and the putter-patter of the wildlife all around him, and twice now he'd actually pet a deer. There was a purity within the woods, one that lightened his step and made him wish he had time to spare, made him wish he knew about this place prior to his mission.

Spoiler for Though Your Eyes (Bias/Minor Emotional Events):

Show

Kinda similar thing, but pretty anything that's not normal is going to invoke some type of response, and you'll feel some type of way about it. For example, if I tell you that I trip in front of a girl I like and she giggles, you'd think she thinks I'm silly or a klutz, but maybe in a cute way. If I tell you that she snickered, she thinks I'm stupid. If you tell this stuff to your friends, how would you describe to them?

Once the insect was close enough jason could make out that it was not a gigantic insect but a human-insect hybrid. The human part was clearly human except for the skin which was dark blue and appeared to be full of stars and the hands that only had three fingers on them. What was also odd was the fact that her face had no mouth or nose and had four purple stripes on it and that she had what appeared to be two long snake-like limbs that ended in beaks and has eyes jutting out of her shoulders. The being jumped the last ten feet off the face of the cliff and landed in front of Jason.

Even if I've got a rocket launcher, I'm not taking this super well, so when I tell this story, I gotta make extra sure my bros don't think my screaming flee wasn't bitchy, but was, in fact, totally justified. Then again though, Serena is your protagonist, so you may want to take this the opposite way.

When the insect was finally close enough, Jason could make out that she wasn't just a bug, but a hybrid that looked like she was born above the stars. The closest thing he could reference to the being was a centaur, but even that was miles off. For starters, her bottom half being that of a firefly, which gave her a heavenly glow as she towered above him at almost double his height. Her skin was a snapshot of the night sky, like that jackass who kept popping up on the local news, but she had a breastplate of what seemed to be more light-bringing bugs to keep her vitals safe. Long red hair ran down to her shoulders, which in addition to sprouting a pair of three-fingered hands, gave way to a beaked, snake-like limb with sprouting eyes. For all of her oddities however, Jason was mesmerized by her center head, six eyes making a circle around with only the top two open. Under the last and second to last set, she had a pair of purple stripes, which, judging by their slits, could either open or were all injured. In a graceful leap, she closed the distance between them.

This goes beyond appearances and goes into anything that would trigger an emotion. For instance, back when I worked at McDonalds, I gave our grill guy's phone number to "The girl with the dark red lipstick", who for some reason was still in the store. I looked as uneasy as Dark Souls and comfortable as rubble when I walked there, said "I know this is weird for you because it's weird for me, but out grill guy wanted me to give you this." Gave it to her, to which her friend replied "Nice." and got the hell out of there. That first bit doesn't say much, it's the rest that makes the tidbit worth telling.

“I see so the only way to get the orb of light is by defeating you,” Jason said as he stared at Serena intently, “So be it but it will be mine.”

“What?!” Serena took a step back a bit surprised, “Now hold on here. There is no need to start a fight.”

Jason did not seem to hear her words as he sent a ball of fire flying towards her head. Serena ducked and barely avoided having her hair scorched.

Heck of a bomb to drop. If Serena didn't have an opinion on this guy yet, I'd bet my old uniforms she does now.

“I see so the only way to get the orb of light is by defeating you,” Jason stated, a darkness creeping into his voice as his gaze tried burning into the goddess' soul, “So be it but it will be mine.”

“What?!” Serena took a step back a bit surprised, staring right back like he was the one with three heads, “Now hold on here. There is no need to start a fight.”

Jason did not seem to hear her words, greed possessing him like a demon as he sent a ball of fire flying towards her head. Serena ducked and barely avoided having her hair scorched, half her eyes still wide open from the sudden attempted murder. Was-was this kid for real?

Spoiler for Game Changers (Major Emotion):

Show

This is mainly in regard to your very-ending. On a different thread I used The Walking Dead to show it, but since there's a lot of wrath and grief, I think Se7en captures it pretty well. Swear warning:



I realize there's not going to be the intertwined struggle due to demon mode being active, but the cut off is still really short after. It's like if Pitt capped Spacey with a straight face and then shed a single tear instead of all that. What's going to make the emotion, and ending for that matter, stick is really showing it. I get that if you don't want to write gore you're going to have a tricky time dancing around a violent death, but there are still other ways to show it. If you don't want the visual, you can focus on the sounds. The screaming, the ripping tearing and gurgling. The birds racing from the words to escape the horror, but without any of it, you're cheating out of the buildup that creates the emotion. Without showing her see it the second time either it's harder to connect as well, but even then you could kinda dance around it. Is there anything covering it? Wolves or anything devouring the remains, and giving her just a tiny shred of hope that she maybe, just maybe didn't violently kill someone? And then when the buildup rips her optimistic heart out, it would feel more earned. Like, it'd be different to be told someone was hit by a car than to see it.

It wouldn't be the same scene without Freeman begging for the gun, Spacey's taunts, or Pitt's active tears and eventual snap. Gotta see that struggle.

Good to see your goddess in action! Lookin' forward to the next one!

[fireflygoddess]

Greek's already showed me his story a few times and I touched on overall themes, so:

Spoiler for Fireflygoddess:

Show

Spoiler for Setting (setting):

Show

First and foremost, I know I'm no Mr. Setting, but anything you have pinned down in your mind, ya gotta understand the rest of us are starting with a blank slate.

The time was night. The location the Forest of Light.

At this point, I'm just picturing trees in the darkness. What's so special about this place, is it set apart from anywhere else? Similarly, is this a dangerous place, or somewhere of tranquility? Like with drawing, the same type of thing can be a thing of beauty or horror depending on the lens you look through.





What's Jason looking at?

Technically speaking, it was the morning, but night felt especially dark as a lone warrior walked through the woods. His feet crunched against the dead leaves and decaying branches snapped under his weight, and he could feel eyes on him with each step. As hard as his scanned though, they never saw his watcher, lost in the shadows as his silhouette was illuminated by hundreds of fireflies, flapping their wings around him like lost souls trying to siphon his life. He could feel his chest knot the deeper he got, quickly losing the guidance from the stars above as the trees grew thicker. "Forest of Light" his ass. It's heart was as black as any other.

Surreal. It wasn't a word that crossed Jason's mind often, but no other word felt more true, and each step he took deeper in the Forest of Light, the stronger he felt about it. Magic was in the air, it was like branches had avoided the moon and stars above, letting as might light pour though as possible while countless fireflies kept the shadows before him at bay. You'd never know it was past midnight without a watch, life was brimming at every corner. He could hear birds chirping and the putter-patter of the wildlife all around him, and twice now he'd actually pet a deer. There was a purity within the woods, one that lightened his step and made him wish he had time to spare, made him wish he knew about this place prior to his mission.

Spoiler for Though Your Eyes (Bias/Minor Emotional Events):

Show

Kinda similar thing, but pretty anything that's not normal is going to invoke some type of response, and you'll feel some type of way about it. For example, if I tell you that I trip in front of a girl I like and she giggles, you'd think she thinks I'm silly or a klutz, but maybe in a cute way. If I tell you that she snickered, she thinks I'm stupid. If you tell this stuff to your friends, how would you describe to them?

Once the insect was close enough jason could make out that it was not a gigantic insect but a human-insect hybrid. The human part was clearly human except for the skin which was dark blue and appeared to be full of stars and the hands that only had three fingers on them. What was also odd was the fact that her face had no mouth or nose and had four purple stripes on it and that she had what appeared to be two long snake-like limbs that ended in beaks and has eyes jutting out of her shoulders. The being jumped the last ten feet off the face of the cliff and landed in front of Jason.

Even if I've got a rocket launcher, I'm not taking this super well, so when I tell this story, I gotta make extra sure my bros don't think my screaming flee wasn't bitchy, but was, in fact, totally justified. Then again though, Serena is your protagonist, so you may want to take this the opposite way.

When the insect was finally close enough, Jason could make out that she wasn't just a bug, but a hybrid that looked like she was born above the stars. The closest thing he could reference to the being was a centaur, but even that was miles off. For starters, her bottom half being that of a firefly, which gave her a heavenly glow as she towered above him at almost double his height. Her skin was a snapshot of the night sky, like that jackass who kept popping up on the local news, but she had a breastplate of what seemed to be more light-bringing bugs to keep her vitals safe. Long red hair ran down to her shoulders, which in addition to sprouting a pair of three-fingered hands, gave way to a beaked, snake-like limb with sprouting eyes. For all of her oddities however, Jason was mesmerized by her center head, six eyes making a circle around with only the top two open. Under the last and second to last set, she had a pair of purple stripes, which, judging by their slits, could either open or were all injured. In a graceful leap, she closed the distance between them.

This goes beyond appearances and goes into anything that would trigger an emotion. For instance, back when I worked at McDonalds, I gave our grill guy's phone number to "The girl with the dark red lipstick", who for some reason was still in the store. I looked as uneasy as Dark Souls and comfortable as rubble when I walked there, said "I know this is weird for you because it's weird for me, but out grill guy wanted me to give you this." Gave it to her, to which her friend replied "Nice." and got the hell out of there. That first bit doesn't say much, it's the rest that makes the tidbit worth telling.

“I see so the only way to get the orb of light is by defeating you,” Jason said as he stared at Serena intently, “So be it but it will be mine.”

“What?!” Serena took a step back a bit surprised, “Now hold on here. There is no need to start a fight.”

Jason did not seem to hear her words as he sent a ball of fire flying towards her head. Serena ducked and barely avoided having her hair scorched.

Heck of a bomb to drop. If Serena didn't have an opinion on this guy yet, I'd bet my old uniforms she does now.

“I see so the only way to get the orb of light is by defeating you,” Jason stated, a darkness creeping into his voice as his gaze tried burning into the goddess' soul, “So be it but it will be mine.”

“What?!” Serena took a step back a bit surprised, staring right back like he was the one with three heads, “Now hold on here. There is no need to start a fight.”

Jason did not seem to hear her words, greed possessing him like a demon as he sent a ball of fire flying towards her head. Serena ducked and barely avoided having her hair scorched, half her eyes still wide open from the sudden attempted murder. Was-was this kid for real?

Spoiler for Game Changers (Major Emotion):

Show

This is mainly in regard to your very-ending. On a different thread I used The Walking Dead to show it, but since there's a lot of wrath and grief, I think Se7en captures it pretty well. Swear warning:



I realize there's not going to be the intertwined struggle due to demon mode being active, but the cut off is still really short after. It's like if Pitt capped Spacey with a straight face and then shed a single tear instead of all that. What's going to make the emotion, and ending for that matter, stick is really showing it. I get that if you don't want to write gore you're going to have a tricky time dancing around a violent death, but there are still other ways to show it. If you don't want the visual, you can focus on the sounds. The screaming, the ripping tearing and gurgling. The birds racing from the words to escape the horror, but without any of it, you're cheating out of the buildup that creates the emotion. Without showing her see it the second time either it's harder to connect as well, but even then you could kinda dance around it. Is there anything covering it? Wolves or anything devouring the remains, and giving her just a tiny shred of hope that she maybe, just maybe didn't violently kill someone? And then when the buildup rips her optimistic heart out, it would feel more earned. Like, it'd be different to be told someone was hit by a car than to see it.

It wouldn't be the same scene without Freeman begging for the gun, Spacey's taunts, or Pitt's active tears and eventual snap. Gotta see that struggle.

Good to see your goddess in action! Lookin' forward to the next one!

crank thank you for the feed back this will help me come a long way from where i am. but as i stated before i kind of did write the story in only a couple days so this was not my best work but thats what i get for hurrying.