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Thread: Dardanus

  1. #1
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    Dardanus

    DARDANUS



    Spoiler for abilities:



    Spoiler for weaknesses:



    Spoiler for history:



    Spoiler for personality:



    Spoiler for appearance:



    Spoiler for demo:


    Battles:

    Points:
    0/0/0/0
    Last edited by DDvirus; 02-04-2018 at 01:26 PM. Reason: Taking cnc

  2. #2
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    So mr and mrs community, what are your thoughts?

  3. #3
    Food-loving Senior Member FalconX578's Avatar
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    I don't typically do CnCs, but I may as well as try. I'm sure someone will give me pointers down the road, and I suppose that I won't get any better if I don't try. I think getting a final say from an experienced veteran would be good, but they say anyone can offer their thoughts on something here, so I may as well as give it a try. Vets, if I say something that doesn't quite line up, feel free to say.

    So I read through your character, quick read, and I think one thing that could be improved upon is that it could use a bit more detail, particularly the personality and the backstory categories. For the personality I feel like what you have is fine, but there could be more. What is he like to other people? Does he even like being near people? He may be calm most of the time, but does he have a limit that, once he surpasses, he starts to lose it? And if he does, what is he like when something really gets on his nerves? He has a dark sense of humor, but how far does that go? Is he just a complete sadist who takes pleasure in beating up any living thing near him, or does he just hate humans but has a soft spot for some other species? Make sense? Also, considering this is a place where characters battle against each other, it'd probably be good to show what he is like in battle. Is he a believer in forgiveness or not? Is he gullible? Say he wants information from someone, does his "dark sense of humor" get in the way of getting said info or does he have restraint? In a story, the personality of a character drives their every action, and having a bit more to go off of would help. I know this is only coming from a guy who's unexperienced in writing and giving constructive criticisms, but I think that a little more here is needed.

    As for the backstory, there just isn't much detail to go off of, which has me confused when I read your guy's demo. The backstory is the most important part imo, and if it's only three lines, you're not going to entice people into battling your character, and you therefore won't be getting anywhere as a writer. Like, I get how no one knows about where he's from and stuff, but that doesn't mean the authors can't know too. Like, just because no fictional being knows where he was born and raised and what his childhood was like, doesn't mean you get a free pass for not including it in your char's thread. The backstory of the gladiators here shape them into what they are today. And also, the RHG is a corporation that wants to make money by showing off fights between talented warriors, and if your character is here, then that means he was put in the system one way or the other. It doesn't matter if he chose to be here or if he was put there by force, but knowing why he'd show up would be helpful. Maybe it was to get information on this "Black Clan" or whatever (an explanation on what that is and why they are related to your character would help too), or maybe it was because he just loves bloodshed so much that he decided to take part in the battles. Is he on some quest that relates to the RHG? Is he trying to get revenge on a certain gladiator? You see, what happens in your past affects your future, and giving him a reason to fight, explaining why he's the sadist (if he is one) he is today, saying where he got his powers and his sword helps us for when we go to battle your character.

    When I read through it at first, nothing really stood out, and the main reason for this is because there wasn't any history, at least that's what it was like for me. Like sure he has this big sword and this cool red lightning, but where'd he get it? Is he a part of some clan of magic users? Was he a test experiment? The backstory matters whether the fictional characters know his history or not. If you were to leave that section as the way it is now, not only would people find your char to be somewhat uninteresting, but if you do get a battle, it might be hard to make a reason for Dardanus to fight anyone, primarily because we don't know what he's fighting for, we don't know what he's doing in the RHG, and we don't know what about his past drives him forward. Sure you can go the route of having the bout be a scheduled arena fight, but that's not something all of us like to do all the time, especially since arena battles don't always push the story arcs some of us writers have in mind for our character, but also because some of the characters here don't even partake in arena battles. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing at writing backstories either, in fact it's the one thing I dread when I go to make a profile for one of my OCs. If you read my test room, you'll see that most of the backstories aren't the best. They aren't good at all really. However, in my eyes, it will suffice for side characters. One reason my backstories for my NPCs aren't too good is because it's time consuming, and I have a life away from the computer. When I go to make a character profile, the backstories and the backstories alone are the thing I dread, and while I can manage to make an okay-ish history for a side character that makes clothes, an actual gladiator that you want people to battle against with shouldn't only have three lines with the majority of one saying that no one knows his past and the majority of another just saying where his sword was made and that alone. All I'm saying is that if you can find a good backstory, you're character could have good potential, but right now, there's just too many "why's?"

    Now, it's because of the lack of explanation that the demo has us (at least me) confused. Like sure, it demonstrates his powers fine, and the personality of him that you did explain is shown, along with his appearance, but there's just a lot of questions. Could your demo use work? Yes, it could. Explaining some things would help, but you can make do out of the demo you have. I'm not asking for a great plot that explains everything, because that's not the purpose of writing a demo. Not only is it to help you get a feel for how you write, but it's just to explain you character in a battle, demonstrating their powers, personality, and all that jazz. That's how I view it anyway. You did that, so I'm not asking you to rewrite it. I just advise you to not spring up a bunch of names no one other than you knows about in a full-fledged battle since you will confuse the reader, which is something you do not want. That's why you want a good backstory, so the events in your character's life as a gladiator will make sense. Aside from that, one thing I notice is your use of ' marks for dialogue, when in actuality, you should be using " marks. So instead of ‘Die!’ it should be "Die!" Small but important. Also, it's good to separate paragraphs with a line of emptiness like I've been doing so it makes it a bit easier to read. If you use Google Docs or something, you don't have to do that, but be sure to use indents. Here though on the forums, these blank lines make it easier for us.

    Everything else could use a little more, but your personality and backstory are more important things to fix first. After that, taking a look at your appearance section should be your next priority. Remember, this is the Writer's Lounge's wRHG, and we do all the explaining of the story in words. Your appearance could also be a bit more descriptive though.

    Hope this helps a bit mate, and welcome!
    Last edited by FalconX578; 01-28-2018 at 06:47 PM. Reason: Whoops wasn't done XD .
    I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior. If you're not afraid to admit it then paste this into your signature.



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  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by FalconX578 View Post
    I don't typically do CnCs, but I may as well as try. I'm sure someone will give me pointers down the road, and I suppose that I won't get any better if I don't try. I think getting a final say from an experienced veteran would be good, but they say anyone can offer their thoughts on something here, so I may as well as give it a try. Vets, if I say something that doesn't quite line up, feel free to say.

    So I read through your character, quick read, and I think one thing that could be improved upon is that it could use a bit more detail, particularly the personality and the backstory categories. For the personality I feel like what you have is fine, but there could be more. What is he like to other people? Does he even like being near people? He may be calm most of the time, but does he have a limit that, once he surpasses, he starts to lose it? And if he does, what is he like when something really gets on his nerves? He has a dark sense of humor, but how far does that go? Is he just a complete sadist who takes pleasure in beating up any living thing near him, or does he just hate humans but has a soft spot for some other species? Make sense? Also, considering this is a place where characters battle against each other, it'd probably be good to show what he is like in battle. Is he a believer in forgiveness or not? Is he gullible? Say he wants information from someone, does his "dark sense of humor" get in the way of getting said info or does he have restraint? In a story, the personality of a character drives their every action, and having a bit more to go off of would help. I know this is only coming from a guy who's unexperienced in writing and giving constructive criticisms, but I think that a little more here is needed.

    As for the backstory, there just isn't much detail to go off of, which has me confused when I read your guy's demo. The backstory is the most important part imo, and if it's only three lines, you're not going to entice people into battling your character, and you therefore won't be getting anywhere as a writer. Like, I get how no one knows about where he's from and stuff, but that doesn't mean the authors can't know too. Like, just because no fictional being knows where he was born and raised and what his childhood was like, doesn't mean you get a free pass for not including it in your char's thread. The backstory of the gladiators here shape them into what they are today. And also, the RHG is a corporation that wants to make money by showing off fights between talented warriors, and if your character is here, then that means he was put in the system one way or the other. It doesn't matter if he chose to be here or if he was put there by force, but knowing why he'd show up would be helpful. Maybe it was to get information on this "Black Clan" or whatever (an explanation on what that is and why they are related to your character would help too), or maybe it was because he just loves bloodshed so much that he decided to take part in the battles. Is he on some quest that relates to the RHG? Is he trying to get revenge on a certain gladiator? You see, what happens in your past affects your future, and giving him a reason to fight, explaining why he's the sadist (if he is one) he is today, saying where he got his powers and his sword helps us for when we go to battle your character.

    When I read through it at first, nothing really stood out, and the main reason for this is because there wasn't any history, at least that's what it was like for me. Like sure he has this big sword and this cool red lightning, but where'd he get it? Is he a part of some clan of magic users? Was he a test experiment? The backstory matters whether the fictional characters know his history or not. If you were to leave that section as the way it is now, not only would people find your char to be somewhat uninteresting, but if you do get a battle, it might be hard to make a reason for Dardanus to fight anyone, primarily because we don't know what he's fighting for, we don't know what he's doing in the RHG, and we don't know what about his past drives him forward. Sure you can go the route of having the bout be a scheduled arena fight, but that's not something all of us like to do all the time, especially since arena battles don't always push the story arcs some of us writers have in mind for our character, but also because some of the characters here don't even partake in arena battles. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not amazing at writing backstories either, in fact it's the one thing I dread when I go to make a profile for one of my OCs. If you read my test room, you'll see that most of the backstories aren't the best. They aren't good at all really. However, in my eyes, it will suffice for side characters. One reason my backstories for my NPCs aren't too good is because it's time consuming, and I have a life away from the computer. When I go to make a character profile, the backstories and the backstories alone are the thing I dread, and while I can manage to make an okay-ish history for a side character that makes clothes, an actual gladiator that you want people to battle against with shouldn't only have three lines with the majority of one saying that no one knows his past and the majority of another just saying where his sword was made and that alone. All I'm saying is that if you can find a good backstory, you're character could have good potential, but right now, there's just too many "why's?"

    Now, it's because of the lack of explanation that the demo has us (at least me) confused. Like sure, it demonstrates his powers fine, and the personality of him that you did explain is shown, along with his appearance, but there's just a lot of questions. Could your demo use work? Yes, it could. Explaining some things would help, but you can make do out of the demo you have. I'm not asking for a great plot that explains everything, because that's not the purpose of writing a demo. Not only is it to help you get a feel for how you write, but it's just to explain you character in a battle, demonstrating their powers, personality, and all that jazz. That's how I view it anyway. You did that, so I'm not asking you to rewrite it. I just advise you to not spring up a bunch of names no one other than you knows about in a full-fledged battle since you will confuse the reader, which is something you do not want. That's why you want a good backstory, so the events in your character's life as a gladiator will make sense. Aside from that, one thing I notice is your use of ' marks for dialogue, when in actuality, you should be using " marks. So instead of ĎDie!í it should be "Die!" Small but important. Also, it's good to separate paragraphs with a line of emptiness like I've been doing so it makes it a bit easier to read. If you use Google Docs or something, you don't have to do that, but be sure to use indents. Here though on the forums, these blank lines make it easier for us.

    Everything else could use a little more, but your personality and backstory are more important things to fix first. After that, taking a look at your appearance section should be your next priority. Remember, this is the Writer's Lounge's wRHG, and we do all the explaining of the story in words. Your appearance could also be a bit more descriptive though.

    Hope this helps a bit mate, and welcome!
    Iíll work on that (;

  5. #5
    Skull Enforcer Azure's Avatar
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    Ello. I'll give this a glance over later. Nice to meet you though.

    Spoiler for What I've Obtained:

  6. #6
    Senior Member jirocho1's Avatar
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    Hello and welcome to the wrhg i like this character but it could stand to us a bit more detail, is the biggest thing. Something so we can get more of an idea of who he is, what hes gone through stuff like that. The characters may not know but us writers could. Who knows there may be a situation where something happens that sparks or triggers something from your characte details are important.

    Also if you would like to have a friendly fight my brawler Bulwarks not doing anythig

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Azure View Post
    Ello. I'll give this a glance over later. Nice to meet you though.
    Thanks!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by jirocho1 View Post
    Hello and welcome to the wrhg i like this character but it could stand to us a bit more detail, is the biggest thing. Something so we can get more of an idea of who he is, what hes gone through stuff like that. The characters may not know but us writers could. Who knows there may be a situation where something happens that sparks or triggers something from your characte details are important.

    Also if you would like to have a friendly fight my brawler Bulwarks not doing anythig
    Iíll make sure to battle you after I finish (;

  9. #9
    Junior Member fireboy2244's Avatar
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    Hi there! I'd love to give some feedback as well, if you want it. Personally, I'm very interested in the character's mysterious origins and I like that small air of the unknown of where his story could go. Given that, I still think your character can benefit from a bit more detail. However, I can see you fleshing his story out more and more after every battle until he's fully explained.

    I'm currently waiting for my wRHG to be approved; but once he is, I'd love to have a battle against Dardanus. I think our characters' backstories could create an interesting back and forth, on and off the field.
    "Allow me to show you what it means to be in touch with your soul..." -Pith

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