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Thread: New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

  1. #1
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

    Well shit, I still can't find a name for this one. The good news is that I got the first three chapters ready and (surprisingly) haven't lost interest in it yet. This is by far final, since the completed chapters can of course change. I will also try to add more extras to the story in order for it to not end in like 10 chapters. I have many ideas and I feel very excited for this, as well as your responses to this. Of course I have it written in Gdocs, but comments are enabled (don't really know if it is called comments, mine is in greek). Please Alpaeus have mercy on me. You can also write a proper CnC on the replies (so I don't double post). I will be from now on writing this separately and will be adding new chapters to it when they are done. Will update when a new chapter is ready, but still don't know if the thread shows a notification if the OP is edited.

    Oh yeah here it is.

    I already regret the title...

    SYNOPSIS FOR DEVOUR: Two people, one human, the other hybrid(big story), try to set things straight. In a future where humanity is pushed back to some two hundred Outposts(also big story) and is ruled by a dictatorial elite of nine people called the High Command, those two try to battle everything that is thrown at them. They fight against the iron fist of the High Command and hopefully will be able to overthrow them. At the same time, they have to watch out, because over the wall of the Outposts looms a great threat, endangering the survival of humanity itself.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 11-25-2018 at 02:24 PM.
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  2. #2
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Heh, you might not like the title, but have the movies/shows I can think of are just the name of their protagonist.

    Anyway! I just finished the prologue, and while I peppered some minor notes throughout, the main thing that seems off, is that you really don't know who A004 is. I mean yeah sure, keep your secrets and all that, but we don't know why he matters or why we should be on his side. Is there anything about him that would give him any sense or rank? Otherwise as it is, it feels like a private ranting at a king, and while I'd pay to see that, the power dynamic doesn't fit with the story its introducing. If A004 is a soldier, is his armor damaged in any way? If this is a distopia, are there any marks on him that show his worth? Basically, is there any light you can shine on this guy that justifies why he's someone worth negotiating with?

    The other thing that kinda ties in, is I spent most of the prologue thinking A004's problem is that he has the inability to get physically taller. Is that the issue? If not, it could shine some light on the things I've mentioned above. So far so good!

    EDIT: With chapter 1, I'd say the main takeaway is inner voice. I try to be polite and sometimes mildly formal, but in the back of my mind, there's still my 'me' voice. When a character thinks, it's typically their default. I just drove really far and I have a bit of a crippling height problem, and while the Rocky Mountains are objectively beautiful, there was a lot of 'Fuckthisgoddamnbullshit!' I'd fill my gas tank, smile to the cashier, wish them a good day, and then go straight back to 'Fuuuuuuuuuuck!' when I'm back on the curvy, narrow bridges of Colorado. When you look at something, what do you think? How do you think it?

    Something has changed. They are acting more and more assertive. I must be missing something. Perhaps my grasp on them isn’t as strong as I previously thought. I must plan my next moves carefully; my position is endangered. I will once again have to sacrifice my precious free time to do some digging. But maybe they will feel brave enough to start spying on me again? Uhh, this is stressing me way too much. For now my place is safe. Remember A4, they need you. You may not like each other, but they need you and you need them.

    Something changed... They're acting more and more assertive. Did I miss something? Maybe I don't know that as much as I thought. I need to be more careful, I'm screwed if I mess up again, so I can kiss my free time goodbye. It's going to take a lot of digging to figure this out. Maybe they'll feel brave enough to start spying on me again? Uhh, this is stressing me way too much. For now my place is safe. Remember A4, they need you. They might be awful, but they need you and you need them.

    Generally, your head is going to be the most casual and least filtered, really show off your characters' personality when you're giving that clear a window.

    All in all though, it's looking good so far!
    Last edited by Crank; 09-05-2018 at 05:37 PM.

  3. #3
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Crank as always leading the way in helping us newbies! I remember that you were always first to reply when I posted a story; I really appreciate that.

    I looked through your comments and I have to say thank you. Apparently, proofreading at midnight isn't the best. Many of your questions about the prologue will be answered on Chapter 2(can't expect to know everything from the prologue). I want this to be this kind of dual story but so far I seem too focused on A004. The secrets of this world will inravel as the story continues and more opportunities for exposition appear. When I said 'development' I meant it skillwise. With more training and excercise you become more skillful at something and A004 has stopped doing exactly that.

    It probably will take sometime for Chapter 4 as I want to devote equal time to both protagonists and I also have to find a way to lengthen the story more since, as it is going right now, it will have to end very quickly. I probably will rework parts of the previous chapters too because they don't really reflect the story I want to tell. Let's just hope I don't get bored of this one too.

    Damn man, I was receiving notification at 1am. Also:
    Spoiler for Not everyone is American:
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  4. #4
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Happy to help!

    Spoiler for Talkin' about Talkin':


    Keep up the good work!

  5. #5
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Just put up the fourth chapter. I have to admit, school and everything is sucking me dry. I find it harder and harder to get motivated to sit down and write or edit the story. Honestly, the only thing that keeps me going is how much I like the idea. It would really give me a boost if more of you gave a CnC like Crank, it doesn't have to be specific or that detailed, anything helps. Again thanks for the support(in advance).

    As it is again midnight when I am finishing this, I might have missed some spelling mistakes so be kind enough to use the comments to let me know
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  6. #6
    Senior Member Urako's Avatar
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    I don't know what to say really. I don't have a lot of time to post things anymore. I guess I will say that some of the changes and events feel a bit rushed without too much context behind them and the council seems a bit cliche but otherwise I love the world you are building and I really hope that you can keep it up. Does that help?
    Spoiler for Predictions:
    Last edited by Urako; 09-14-2018 at 11:13 PM.
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  7. #7
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Thanks for the reply! I am aware that the plot is moving way too fast at the beginning, but if I were to change that right now, I am afraid I would mess the whole thing up. Once I have completed it or perhaps when I am deep into it, I will be for sure changing a lot of stuff. This is by now way the end product.

    Now here's the plot twist(or it is just me being bad at conveying a message). The 'bad guys' are actually the High Command, if you want to call them that. They are the highest authority around(and thus their name) and are ruling with an iron fist. Also this is no simple 'war' that's going on. It is an existential battle threatening humanity with extinction. The High Command's motives are unknown and their methods questionable, but that's all humans got. That thing that I foreshadowed at the end of the fourth chapter, oh it gon be good. Without spoiling much, you are going to see what those infamous 'Alectons' are. Be more patient and everything will start falling into place.

    I want at the end of every chapter to put a small segment that looks into the meetings of the High Command, but I am stupid so of course I forgot about it only four chapters in. Going to be adding that as soon as possible. Again thanks for the reply!
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  8. #8
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Spoiler for Words and Clips:
    Last edited by Crank; 09-17-2018 at 01:17 AM.

  9. #9
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    UPDATE: Turns out that Chapter V is going to be way bigger than I expected, so I will break it in two parts. I will refine the first part, which is complete and post, since I currently progressing very slowly.(I know you all expected it so much so :/ )

    I also really have to stop doing this after 10pm cause it ain't good. School has turned out to be a lot harder than I thought, so I have less time than I'd like to focus on writing my story. And here's a small spoiler about the chapter:

    Spoiler for Sneak a Peak!:


    EDIT: Chapter V is up(nobody cares). Also I have a feeling that as I go along with the story, it actually becomes worse. Perhaps I am becoming more aware of how bad it always was? Only Crank will tell(get it? I am so funny).
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 09-25-2018 at 12:21 PM.
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  10. #10
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    (Benine double post.)

    So, I just added Chapter VI. I feel that even though it isn't that forced, the plot is moving kinda quickly, sucking out its depth. I am really excited of how this is turning out.

    I really shouldn't be doing this at midnight... This is unpossible. Anyway, CnC and comments on the doc are appreciated. Now goodnight.
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