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Thread: New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

  1. #11
    Secret Psychopath Crank's Avatar
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    Snap I got behind.

    Anyway! I'd say the main thing to work on in regards to Chapter 5 is chaos. Especially in times of no dialogue, people are going to feel what they're shown, so unfortunately, if you don't stray from your strong willed protagonist, your readers won't feel the full gravity of the situation.

    Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were covering any other sound. Everyone knew what that meant. An Alecton attack was imminent and everyone was getting prepared. Troops were deploying around the walls and the pilots had entered their mechs. Civilians were getting into their protected bunkers and the defences activated.

    A004 was walking with a fast pace towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.


    I understand that attacks are bad, but what does it mean for the people that live there? A004 is focused, which is good for a soldier, but what's happening around him? Part of what makes him brave is the contrast that surrounds him, which also shows the threat and why we should be invested in it. I like clips, and I meant to find a dramatic one, but after an hour in a rabbit hole I'll settle for come pitch black comedy.



    The only reason Starr is badass is because he's surrounded by normal people to show that he's unique in his position. Ironically to focus on what sets someone apart from the rest, ya gotta show the rest a bit. Yellow pops best against purple. Same deal.

    Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were drowning out panicked cries like a biblical flood as the masses screamed to find their loved ones. No one wanted to be on the streets if the impending Alecton attack broke through the walls. Those who could fight fumbled for their weapons while those that couldn't barricaded their doors, desperate to be unlike the slaughter at 48. Engines roared to life as troops sprinted inside their mechs while some of the newer recuits collided with each other, blinded by their dread and the chaos embalming them.

    The odor of sweat was thick in the air as A004 marched towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.


    I'll have to read the next chapter in the next couple days!

  2. #12
    Keyboard smasher GreekGladiator's Avatar
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    Yay, we reached a second page!

    As always, thanks a lot Crank. I will definitely revise some parts of Chapter V, the descriptions in particular. Of I will fix the problems you have pointed out here, and will also add some extra details so stuff on the next chapter don't seem like popping out of nowhere, without a previous introduction.

    Also the video is "not available in your country". Don't worry though, I got the message.

    EDIT: Nvm I found it in a shorter version... What the fuck.

    EDIT SO I DON'T DOUBLEPOST: Hooray! I just added Chapter VII, and I have to say, I like how it turned out. At least a lot more than what VI was. At one point I thought to myself: Man, I really want to know what happens next. Wait, I am the one who decides what happens next what the fuck.

    I am very excited about writing the next chapter, but I am really divided over doing that, or fixing some problems on the previous ones. I currently don't know what to do. On one side, the story ***might*** become more cohesive and understandable, on the other, if I end the story, I would be able to do an overall rework that would cover the entire story and perhaps cover some plotholes that might turn up later in the story.
    Last edited by GreekGladiator; 10-14-2018 at 08:36 AM.
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