New stuff!!! OwoWoowOWO

[Crank]

Snap I got behind.

Anyway! I'd say the main thing to work on in regards to Chapter 5 is chaos. Especially in times of no dialogue, people are going to feel what they're shown, so unfortunately, if you don't stray from your strong willed protagonist, your readers won't feel the full gravity of the situation.

Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were covering any other sound. Everyone knew what that meant. An Alecton attack was imminent and everyone was getting prepared. Troops were deploying around the walls and the pilots had entered their mechs. Civilians were getting into their protected bunkers and the defences activated.

A004 was walking with a fast pace towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.

I understand that attacks are bad, but what does it mean for the people that live there? A004 is focused, which is good for a soldier, but what's happening around him? Part of what makes him brave is the contrast that surrounds him, which also shows the threat and why we should be invested in it. I like clips, and I meant to find a dramatic one, but after an hour in a rabbit hole I'll settle for come pitch black comedy.



The only reason Starr is badass is because he's surrounded by normal people to show that he's unique in his position. Ironically to focus on what sets someone apart from the rest, ya gotta show the rest a bit. Yellow pops best against purple. Same deal.

Outpost 53 was on high alert. Sirens and alarms were drowning out panicked cries like a biblical flood as the masses screamed to find their loved ones. No one wanted to be on the streets if the impending Alecton attack broke through the walls. Those who could fight fumbled for their weapons while those that couldn't barricaded their doors, desperate to be unlike the slaughter at 48. Engines roared to life as troops sprinted inside their mechs while some of the newer recuits collided with each other, blinded by their dread and the chaos embalming them.

The odor of sweat was thick in the air as A004 marched towards the command tower at the west side of the wall. He knew he had no chance of actually fighting, so he was at least going to take part by commanding the upcoming battle. As he walked past the running soldiers and made his way to the top of the tower, he caught a glimpse of what was coming. It mostly was a mob a small Class V and Class IV but he felt that something bigger was heading fast towards them.

I'll have to read the next chapter in the next couple days!

[GreekGladiator]

Yay, we reached a second page!

As always, thanks a lot Crank. I will definitely revise some parts of Chapter V, the descriptions in particular. Of I will fix the problems you have pointed out here, and will also add some extra details so stuff on the next chapter don't seem like popping out of nowhere, without a previous introduction.

Also the video is "not available in your country". Don't worry though, I got the message.

EDIT: Nvm I found it in a shorter version... What the fuck.

EDIT SO I DON'T DOUBLEPOST: Hooray! I just added Chapter VII, and I have to say, I like how it turned out. At least a lot more than what VI was. At one point I thought to myself: Man, I really want to know what happens next. Wait, I am the one who decides what happens next what the fuck.

I am very excited about writing the next chapter, but I am really divided over doing that, or fixing some problems on the previous ones. I currently don't know what to do. On one side, the story ***might*** become more cohesive and understandable, on the other, if I end the story, I would be able to do an overall rework that would cover the entire story and perhaps cover some plotholes that might turn up later in the story.

[GreekGladiator]

I'll have to read the next chapter in the next couple days!

My reaction.

Jokes aside. I appreciate you reviewing this Crank as it develops. I just added Chapter VIII although something about it doesn't fit me just right; perhaps you can spot it.

(We're dead again aren't we? Also

Spoiler for tru:

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sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo orry

for the double post.)

EDIT: WTF IT'S NOT MIDNIGHT. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!? !?!

SERIOUS EDIT: I put up Chapter IX. It's smaller than the previous ones(maybe even half the size), as it simply sets the stage for the next Chapter. This was actually the hardest one to write, as I had no idea of how to connect the point I left the story with I wanted to do next. That's also why it took me so long(even though me being a lazy piece of garbage was 90% of it).

EDIT^2: Also Chapter X is now added. I somehow managed to stall the action this far. I really don't know how I did this. But I really need some feedback. I feel like I am writing in the dark right now(get it? It's funny because I said 'writing in the dark' as in the phrase 'walking in the dark' but the funny part is that I switched the word 'writing' with the word 'walking'. Hahaha.)

[Crank]

What was I on, Chapter 6?

Wait

COMIC SANS!?
AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH

But anyway

Spoiler for Chapter 6:

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You're opening with a strong topic, the maybe death of a liked one, so be sure to give yourself a little time to bask in the moment. A004 has been pretty stoic for the most part, this should hit him, pretty hard, even if 0068 survives, and even if he's going through things like denial, it's still worth highlighting. To be fair, it is mentioned slightly later, but it's still a bit factual. It's Ellen could be dead, vs Ellen could be dead. How's he feel? To be more fair, you also did better with 0068 on A004's maybe death, but it would still be good to see something similar from him.

The other main thing is in terms of pacing. Pretty much everything I've written has a wall of dialogue, so I know I'm being a hypocrite here, but when time is of the essence, that's not exactly something you have time for. A004 is the current commander of a defense against a massive assault, and he doesn't say a word to anyone but 0068 for about 7 pages. And while I do realize that this is about him and her, this sort of thing damages his credibility as a leader in your reader's eyes and hurts the realism. Like, if Einstein Bagels launched an assault on my Panera, the situation would be too urgent for me to give someone a pep talk for five minutes. If A004 is actively choosing to forego the war to aide her, however, then that's another thing you should show him going through.

Conversations are fine in war, but I'd be weary of long ones in active combat.

Still goin' strong! Keep up the good work!

[GreekGladiator]

I can do this all day

But once again, thanks a lot for helping me with this. This is the perfect time to backtrack a bit and correct some earlier mistakes since I am not really up and going with the next chapter. A big thanks also for pointing out mistakes that avoided my proofread. Most of the times you see something like that, I just wanted to write something, I do it halfway, find out a better way to say it and forget to correct the stuff I wrote before.

It's true that I have to give A004 more emotional depth, like I have with Elise. Luckily you pointed it out early enough that it's relatively easy to fix.

EDIT: About that pacing thing. I thought about for, like, a minute, and it all finally made sense to me. The conversations are intended(supposedly) to take long and not follow the battle. That's because they are bad at all of this. They become completely detached from what's going on outside and forget anything else but themselves. Also this incompetence transalates to the bad outcome of the battle. They may have killed it, but don't call it a victory.

[Crank]

Grrrr.

Spoiler for Chapter 7:

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Alright, here we go!

So, at the top, you open with a bit of an inner monologue from Elise listing off what's wrong. If possible, try avoiding making it a straight forward statement. After I found my stolen car (within 20 minutes of finding out it was gone) a few years ago, I showed my friend that the key no longer functioned, and that I had to turn something behind the steering wheel with a knife. I then closed the locked door with the key still in the ignition, attached to my house keys. My first thought wasn't "Alright, my keys are still in the car, I'm going to have to call someone to pop the door open." My first thought was "MOTHERFUCKER!" The thing about thoughts is that they don't have that great a filter, and often times they're more impulsive and raw. Elise knows all the information, but all that's shown is the surface of the issue. When something goes wrong, how do you react? What flies though your head? That said, I'm not saying "More swearing!" Just, more of what the facts mean to the characters, aside from their definitions.

Similar with situations where your mind says "This is bad," if your gut tells you "This is weird," that should be delved into as well. I once randomly ran into a friend at a gas station, and I still had denial over it, even though I was in his neck of the woods, and his car, like mine, needs gas to function. When A004 runs into himself, even if he don't know where he is or what the other he is, what's he guessing? It's really got to trip up his sense of reality, go ahead and take a minute to show him feebly try to process it.

Lastly, this chapter has a bit of an issue with urgency. Other A004 says that A004 is dying, says they don't have much time, says the shadows are going to engulf them and he's only able to keep they at bay though sheer will, but then goes on to talk for a while. Kinda feels like a video game main story. Dragons are back in Skyrim, laying waste to the lands and trying to enslave all mortals once more, but I'm gonna get wasted with this Deadric Prince and adopt a couple kids first. The more urgent a situation is, the more imperative it is to do the thing immediately, so the longer it's put off, the less important the situation seems. You can have the most dangerous threat in the world, but if it's not important to the character, it's hard for your reader to invest in. Also, if possible, try avoid dishing out exposition is such heavy servings, and it tends to go down easier when its organically harvested, if that makes sense.

I really admire your spirit with this! Looking forward to learning what style change means!

[GreekGladiator]

I simply changed my attitude against writing dialogue and text in separate paragraphs. You can notice that later on I mix those two in the same paraghraph and that kind of stuff. I really don't why I was so adamant about separating those before though.

About that urgency thing. The reason I portrayed it like this, has to do with the blue-eyed A004's character and overall psychology. I now realise that I have shown only a fraction of what I have of him in my head, so it's natural to not understand his actions so clearly. Basically, he doesn't really care. He knows exactly what the other one will say and do, so he isn't in any actual hurry. He knows very well how much time he has left, and tries to inform him before they separate for good(or is it for good? Muahaha). This is also the point that this exposition would come somewhat naturally. There is no way he could obtain this information from anywhere else, so I tried to throw it in here. Of course this whole part inside his head needs revising(even I probably put more effort in this than anywhere else). It's pretty tricky; what I want to say in this very delicate situation.

The inner thoughts thing is a whole other area I have to improve in general. I have to keep down the urge to spit out as much exposition as I can and focus on it being more realistic, like you said.

I forgot what I wanted to add here.

I really can't imagine what trainwreck this would be without your help Crank. Especially now that you helped with the table of contents. This is one of the periods where I can't motivate myself to write, but once I do, I'll fix the problems in the previous chapters instead of simply going forward. On another note, tommorow we are writing an exam on English(at school it's barely B2 level). Wish me luck!

[Urako]

I simply changed my attitude against writing dialogue and text in separate paragraphs. You can notice that later on I mix those two in the same paraghraph and that kind of stuff. I really don't why I was so adamant about separating those before though.

About that urgency thing. The reason I portrayed it like this, has to do with the blue-eyed A004's character and overall psychology. I now realise that I have shown only a fraction of what I have of him in my head, so it's natural to not understand his actions so clearly. Basically, he doesn't really care. He knows exactly what the other one will say and do, so he isn't in any actual hurry. He knows very well how much time he has left, and tries to inform him before they separate for good(or is it for good? Muahaha). This is also the point that this exposition would come somewhat naturally. There is no way he could obtain this information from anywhere else, so I tried to throw it in here. Of course this whole part inside his head needs revising(even I probably put more effort in this than anywhere else). It's pretty tricky; what I want to say in this very delicate situation.

The inner thoughts thing is a whole other area I have to improve in general. I have to keep down the urge to spit out as much exposition as I can and focus on it being more realistic, like you said.

I forgot what I wanted to add here.

I really can't imagine what trainwreck this would be without your help Crank. Especially now that you helped with the table of contents. This is one of the periods where I can't motivate myself to write, but once I do, I'll fix the problems in the previous chapters instead of simply going forward. On another note, tommorow we are writing an exam on English(at school it's barely B2 level). Wish me luck!

Oh man, I hope you can motivate yourself to write. By nature of this existing, you have already done so much better than I have with my short stories. Also, I totally wish you luck bro.

[GreekGladiator]

No need to worry, really. I usually go through these circles every now and then. At times I wanna write, at other times, I can't bother opening the doc. Also, the length of a story doeasn't translate to quality. Your short stories might be ten times better than my long one.

Thanks for the positivity.

EDIT: One hour later than promised, and it's up! I really want to say a couple of things here. I have been... exposed... to a lot of content critiquing loads of stuff related to writing(mostly the writing in the series or movies) and have a general idea of pitfalls to avoid. I want to upgrade the quality of my story, so many differences might show up that contradict things previously set up. As of now I don't have the time(or mental capacity) to review and rewrite the previous 70 pages long story I already built up. I will do it at a later date(probably when it's over) so I can be sure of the things I want to correct(not everything about the plot is completely clear to me and might change as I go on).

Who am kidding, it's a train wreck lol

Spoiler for ???:

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(It's supposed to be the moyai emoji, but this site apparently doesn't support it. Picture it yourselves.)

[Crank]

Returning the favor you've been returning

Oh hey, I'm at the style change!

I'd say the main thing to keep an eye on between chapters 8 and 9 is making sure the conflicts matter outside the moments that they happen in. Elise blows up after A4 wants to use 91's box, and it practically rips them apart. I'm assuming this is because he appears to trust 91 more than trusts her distrust of him? Either way, it was a huge point of contention, and in the next chapter, he's usually using it and it appears that all aspects of the argument were resolved. I'm not saying I wouldn't use the thing, because I absolutely would, but when you're just doing pure dialogue, it makes it harder to see what's left unsaid, which in turn makes the extremeness of Elise's reaction seem over the top. She doesn't like 91. That's fair, but if I broke my leg and someone gave me a wheelchair, my girlfriend shouldn't leave me because I'm thankful and would like to use it. It makes her look super high maintenance, so when she's having her inner monologue, your reader's going to be thinking she keeps getting hurt because of that, and then when everything is resolved in the next chapter, it confirms that she just gets furious over nothing.

91 is a dick, and Elise shouldn't trust him, but the way it's presented doesn't put you on her side. The more extreme the reaction, the more important it is to show what's going on inside their heads. What does it mean to her that A4 is past all of 91 blatant assholeness of the past? And does he think she's overreacting?

Keep up the good work!